Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen

    “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

    If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

    We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we often get stuck in grief when something changes—a lay off, a breakup, or a transfer.

    We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

    In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

    When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important— letting go is letting happiness in.

    It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

    The best approach is to start simple, at the beginning, and work your way to Zen.

    Experiencing Without Attachment

    Accept the moment for what it is.

    Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.

    Believe now is enough.

    It’s true—tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.

    Call yourself out.

    Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment—when you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.

    Define yourself in fluid terms.

    We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment, because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.

    Enjoy now fully.

    No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity; aim for quality instead. Attach to the idea of living well from moment to moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.

    Letting Go of Attachment to People

    Friend yourself.

    It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people, not just how they make you feel about yourself.

    Go it alone sometimes.

    Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.

    Hold lightly.

    This one isn’t just about releasing attachments; it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.

    Interact with lots of people.

    If you limit yourself to one or two relationships, they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.

    Justify less.

    I can’t let him go—I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her—she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.

    Letting Go of Attachment to the Past

    Know you can’t change the past.

    Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.

    Love instead of fearing.

    When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear—fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.

    Make now count.

    Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.

    Narrate calmly.

    How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past—how hurt you were or how hard it was—challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.

    Open your mind.

    We often cling to things, situations, or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations, and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes

    Practice letting things be.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.

    Question your attachment.

    If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job or the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.

    Release the need to know.

    Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.

    Serve your purpose now.

    You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait—do it now.

    Teach others.

    It’s human nature to hope for things in the future. Even the most enlightened people fall into the habit from time to time. Remind yourself to stay open to possibilities by sharing the idea with other people. Blog about it. Talk about it. Tweet about it. Opening up helps keep you open.

    Letting Go of Attachment to Feelings

    Understand that pain is unavoidable.

    No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    Vocalize your feelings.

    Feel them, acknowledge them, express them, and then let them naturally transform. Even if you want to dwell in anger, sadness, or frustration—especially if you feel like dwelling—save yourself the pain and commit to working through them.

    Write it down.

    Then toss it out. You won’t always have the opportunity to express your feelings to the people who inspired them. That doesn’t mean you need to swallow them. Write in a journal. Write a letter and burn it. Anything that helps you let go.

    Xie Xie.

    It means thank you in Chinese. Fully embrace your happy moments—love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: It will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate. Everything is cyclical.

    Yield to peace.

    The ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. Even if you think you want to stay angry, what you really want is to be at peace with what happened or will happen. It takes a conscious choice. Make it.

    Zen your now.

    Experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience.

    It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and mentally to people and ideas—as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s okay. It’s human nature.

    Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace, and love.

    The most important question: What do you choose right now?

    Jumping for joy image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    5 Everyday Places Where You Can Find Presence

    Woman Meditating

    “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Presence. It’s something that used to be an absolute mystery to me.

    During my five years working in the fast-paced world of public relations, I was frequently running from one meeting to the next, nose in my cell phone, barely coming up for air and completely oblivious to the world around me.

    Little did I know, I was missing out on so many moments during my day where I could feel grounded, grateful, and present instead of stressed out and anxious.

    Today, life is much different. I strive to feel present on a daily basis, and while there are still moments where I’m challenged, I’ve found that with commitment and practice, it’s possible to weave small moments of mindfulness into my day.

    I love meditation, but mindfulness doesn’t always have to be closed-eyes, cross-legged experience, either. I’ve found it really helpful to tie my mindfulness practice to everyday activities.

    Here are five places where you can find presence as you go about your daily routine.

    Drinking your morning coffee

    It’s a fair assumption that we all look forward to our morning cup of joe—and as a Brit, I confess I am partial to a cup of tea first thing in the morning. This may not seem like the obvious place to create a spiritual practice, but it’s almost perfect.

    It’s one of the first things you do when you step out of bed and it sets the tone for your day. You can continue racing through this simple activity, if you wish, or you can set aside five minutes (set an alarm on your cell phone) and sit down with your coffee and just be.

    Leave your cell phone alone. Don’t check social media. Ignore your email. Just take in the flavors and aroma of your morning beverage and enjoy the moment.

    In the shower

    My absolute favorite morning ritual is a long shower, and it’s the perfect place to relax and be free. Left unchecked, however, this morning routine can provide a breeding ground for your mind racing through the day’s laundry list of tasks and ‘what ifs.’

    Bring your mind back into the present by becoming aware of the physical sensations of the water on your skin and the smell of the shampoo in your hair. Feel grateful that you have access to fresh, clean water. Breathe in. Relax.

    When you step out of the shower, you will feel rejuvenated not only physically, but in your mind and spirit, too.

    Commuting to work

    Traveling to the office doesn’t have to be a ho-hum activity; it can be an opportunity to fit in a mini-meditation. And granted, this does depend on which mode of transport you take to work and it typically fits a bus or train ride best.

    All you need to do is this—close your eyes and breathe deeply. It sounds simple, I know, but it makes the world of difference.

    If you’re driving, you will of course need to stay alert and aware at all times, so use this as your meditation. Turn off the radio, allow your thoughts to fall away, and simply focus on driving your car as you take in the sights and sensations around you. For me, driving feels incredibly grounding.

    Waiting in line

    Forever short on time during my PR days, I would rush to the bank during my lunch break and inevitably become stressed out at the sight of the long line. I would huff and puff, check my cell phone, and generally panic as I felt my heart rate increase and noticed beads of sweat form on my brow.

    It doesn’t have to be this way. Instead of feeling frustrated at the wait time, take it as an opportunity to relax. Look around you. Connect with your fellow human beings. Smile at the person in line next to you. It can be a simple and beautiful experience.

    During exercise

    I truly believe exercise is a spiritual practice, but if you’re attending a class at the gym after work, it’s so easy to let your mind race and mull over the events of the day and run through your to-do list for the evening.

    Instead, be mindful of which parts of your body you are working and focus on that. Bring your attention to your legs, your shoulders, the muscles in your back. Not only is this meditative, but it also helps bring focus to your workout and improve your form. It’s a win-win.

    —

    By applying these tips, you will invite presence into even the most mundane of daily chores. This not only transforms each moment an opportunity for stillness, it also helps you to be less stressed and more peaceful, no matter what is happening around you.

    Woman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • 25 Powerful Acts of Love and Kindness

    25 Powerful Acts of Love and Kindness

    The holiday season has the potential to bring out the best in us. Though the days get shorter and colder, somehow our hearts get bigger and warmer.

    Maybe it’s the thoughtfulness handwritten on Christmas cards, maybe it’s the focus on giving over receiving, or maybe it’s the anticipation of celebration with people we love.

    For many, it’s the reminder of what’s important in life—not what we do, what we earn, or what we buy, but how we treat each other, how we help each other, and how we use our gifts to make the world a better place.

    Yes, the season inspires us not just to believe in magic, but also to create it.

    It’s for this reason I created a series of “holiday love challenges” (some taken from Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges), to inspire more acts of love and kindness.

    Some focus on giving, others on appreciation, and others on giving ourselves the same compassion we strive to offer others.

    I hope some of these inspire you to create a little magic in your world, one tiny act of love at a time!

    Holiday Love Challenge #1

    Tiny Buddha's Holiday Love Challenge #2

    Tiny Buddha's Holiday Love Challenge #3

    Tiny Buddha's Holiday Love Challenge #4

    Tiny Buddhas Holiday Love Challenge #5

    Tiny Buddhas Holiday Love Challenge #6

    Tiny Buddhas Holiday Love Challenge #7

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    Holiday Love Challenge #9

    Love Challenge #10

    Holiday Love Challenge #11

    Holiday Love Challenge #12

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    Holiday Love Challenge #14

    Love Challenge #15

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    Holiday Love Challenge #17

    Holiday Love Challenge #18

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  • 5 Unexpected Benefits of Being Friendly

    5 Unexpected Benefits of Being Friendly

    Smiling Gingerbread

    “A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon

    What are the benefits of being friendly? Some might argue that there aren’t many advantages to it. These people might even tell you that you should mind your own business instead of trying to please everyone.

    But is friendliness really just an attempt to please others? Is it really a sign of insecurity or even weakness?

    I believe friendliness is a sign of inner strength and balance.

    Just a year ago, I was confronted with an extremely negative person at work. At first, I believed she acted as she did because she was struggling with he burdens we all have to bear from time to time.

    I thought the problem would eventually resolve itself, but it didn’t. Only in retrospect I am beginning to understand that unresolved underlying pain could have influenced her behavior.

    Unfortunately, I didn’t consider this possibility back then. In my ignorance I assumed the worst of her, thinking her behavior was a cold and calculating attempt to manipulate everyone around her.

    I judged her based on her actions, without considering the underlying motives. She was igniting conflicts wherever she went, so I assumed she felt more comfortable in an unstable environment.

    Usually, I try to stay calm in situations like this. But there are some people who know exactly how to push your buttons. She was one of them.

    I had already decided to confront her when something unexpected happened. Apparently, she had found one of my colleagues’ sensitive spots, which led him to burst out yelling at her in front of our boss.

    Our boss wasn’t too happy about that, demanding my colleague take anger management training.

    The whole experience taught me an important lesson. It showed me that calmness and understanding are the only healthy options you have when you’re confronted with someone who’s dealing with underlying pain.

    Here’s what I learned about the advantages of being friendly.

    1. You can make a difference with friendliness.

    Sometimes it feels as if the world is filled with impolite or angry people. As a result of this misperception, we’ve learned to raise our shields to the maximum. Instead of being open to people we don’t know yet, we do our best to avoid the risk of being vulnerable.

    You can make a difference in this world by making the first step toward a potential relationship with others. Or, as Scott Berkun, former manager at Microsoft, has put it: “Initiating a positive exchange is a hallmark of a difference maker.”

    Just imagine what could have happened if I had the courage to make the first step with my not so polite colleague. It would have given me at least the chance of discovering the underlying cause of her behavior, and maybe even helping her.

    Instead, I was so preoccupied with defending myself that I didn’t even consider honest friendliness as a possible means to resolve the issue. This was the moment when I realized that I could only make a difference by being kind and helpful to other people.

    2. You’ll strengthen your willpower.

    Let’s face it, there will always be people who test your limits. It’s not easy to treat others with respect in such situations.

    We all know how difficult it can be to be kind to certain people. However, we shouldn’t use their misbehavior as an excuse to treat them just as badly.

    Allowing someone to make us behave impolitely only makes the situation worse. On the other hand, if we have the courage and willpower to keep our balance, we can contribute a great deal toward the easing of the situation.

    I experienced this firsthand, when my boss was yelling at me for a mistake I’d made. Instead of arguing at the same level of aggression, I chose to remain calm and tried to explain what had led to my mistake. Surprisingly, this not only helped calm him down, but it also helped me resolve the problem quickly.

    These are the situations that both test our limits and strengthen our willpower, if we choose not to give in to the temptation of treating others as they treat us.

    3. Good deeds add meaning to your life.

    Friendliness isn’t just about treating others with respect, it’s also about caring for others: You treat others friendly because you care about them and their well-being. You help others because you see yourself in them.

    Kindness doesn’t have to be limited to people we know. Instead, it’s the universal willingness to treat each individual the way we would like to be treated.

    Being friendly and helping others will add significance and meaning to your life. Knowing that you are helping to make this world a better place is one of the most rewarding experiences.

    4. It makes you feel good.

    Being friendly to others doesn’t just help them, it works in your favor as well. Friendliness will instantly boost your happiness.

    Whenever I’m being kind to another being, I feel good about myself.

    Just recently I was buying a train ticket at a vending machine when I noticed the man standing beside me at the other machine didn’t have enough change to pay for his ticket. He had already thrown in many coins, but seemed a little helpless when he realized that there weren’t enough in his wallet.

    I asked him if he needed more coins. It turned out that it wasn’t much, so I gave him what he needed.

    The man’s response truly warmed my heart. You could see the happiness and relief in his face, and that made me happy as well.

    5. It will likely come back to you.

    Should we be friendly just so that other people will reciprocate the favor in our time of need? I think that would be rather selfish. True kindness and friendliness can only be expressed when we let go of the need to gain something from it.

    Still, I believe that if you’re a genuinely friendly person, you’re more likely to be surrounded by people who are also friendly and accommodating. Kindness attracts kindness, just as rudeness often attracts rudeness.

    It really feels as if I receive that which I send out to another person. And that makes me feel appreciated, accepted, and respected for who I am.

    —

    We all face challenges, and it’s not always easy to be friendly and polite, but doing so can make a profound difference—for others and for ourselves.

    Gingerbread man and woman image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    Woman reading book

    “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent Van Gogh

    I attended an interesting event a few nights ago. It featured ten speakers who spoke for ten minutes each on ten things you should know before you die.

    The speakers included TV and film stars, CEOs, cover-shooting photojournalists, traveling journalists covering natural disasters, and HIV survivors. As you can imagine, there was a wide spectrum of perspectives shared.

    Here are a few of the lessons that stuck out for me. A lot of these can profoundly change your mindset, how you view the world, and how you choose to react to things. You just need to take a step back and put things into perspective, which leads us into our first one.

    1. Maintain perspective.

    A journalist told a story of how he traveled to Haiti after the devastating earthquake that hit them a few years back. In the capital of Port-au-Prince many of the homes had fallen apart, and people who already had nothing were now living in small plots of land in public squares in the city.

    The separations between each family’s plot were drawn in by hand, with tents and tarps set up overhead.
    In one particular plot was for a seven-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy.

    The speaker spoke a bit of Creole French and asked the people in neighboring tents which family these children were with. They replied, “That is the family.”

    The seven-year-old girl and one-year-old boy’s parents and older siblings had been killed. She was now responsible for this baby.

    This is where the notion of perspective comes in. The next time you’re upset at traffic, or someone is taking too long in the checkout line, or someone hasn’t texted you back quickly enough, take a step back and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is this really worth being upset about?

    The book Unbroken drove this point home for me. Reading what this man went through quickly made me realize, if I were privileged to be born into a first world country (Canada) in the current peaceful time, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. A reminder to myself the next time Netflix is slow to load something…

    2. Take care of your health.

    Health is the gateway to happiness. If you are not living with your fullest energy and vibrancy, how can you expect to get the most from life?

    This was the main message from a middle-aged woman and entrepreneur who broke the status quo and went her own way in life, much to the dismay of her parents. She dropped out of school and traveled the world, falling into a few rough crowds on the journey and eventually settling in Toronto.

    There, she visited a local fresh juice place that ended up changing her life. She fell in love with how the juices made her feel and the energy they gave her, and ended up opening her own juice place called “Juice for Life” (which her Jewish parents hilariously thought was called “Jews for Life” at first). She’s now the founder and CEO of Fresh Restaurants chain in Toronto.

    Anyone who knows me knows health is massively important to me as well. I always pose the question: Is it not a bit crazy to think that people will spend more money on their car, their fashion, and accessories than they would on their body?

    Ask anyone with a serious illness what would they rather have; they all would give up everything they own to get healthy and undo the damage that was done.

    3. Be true to yourself and your calling.

    If you are living and doing something that doesn’t align with you, how can you ever be truly happy and enlightened?

    This was the main message from the founder of Yuk Yuk’s comedy club, a popular spot in Toronto.

    You can imagine the reaction he got from his friends and family when he told them he wanted to enter the comedy business. This was his passion, however, and he knew from experience that if he was doing something different, he would rarely be at peace or be inspired.

    When you find something that aligns and resonates with you, you will know it from the energy it gives you.

    The Vincent Van Gogh quotes sums the message here up quite nicely: Would you rather die of passion or of boredom?

    4. Don’t be afraid to stand out.

    When you go your own way and make your own path, you alone write your legacy.

    This was the motto of a female photojournalist who spoke to us. She joined the world of journalism in the sixties and seventies, when it was completely dominated by men. She was different from what was considered the norm and despite ridicule, sexist remarks, and being seen as lower, she used it to her advantage.

    Being shorter than the male photographers, she was always in front of the pack, allowing her to capture some of the closest, most personal photos. She became one of the first females to have their photos published on the cover of multiple well know magazines, and went on to be the prime journalist covering Terry Fox’s run across Canada.

    It is your inherent right to challenge the status quo. Never be afraid to forge your own destiny due to the thoughts of others. People may laugh at you because you are different. You could pack up and quit here, or you could feel sorry for them because they are all the same.

    As well, never be afraid to challenge why things are the way they are. After all, this is the very question that has forged almost all innovation mankind has ever done.

    5. Don’t play the victim.

    As I mentioned earlier, one of the speakers was a girl born with HIV. She was abandoned by her parents and adopted by a supporting family with nine other adopted children.

    Her new family took her in with love and put her through school like a normal child. But when the other children’s parents found out she had HIV, it was no longer normal. They refused to invite her over to birthday parties and sleepovers and forbade their children from being friends with her.

    She could have closed up and felt angry at the world, but instead she took a position of power and action. Now in her late teens, she has spoken globally, on major TV networks and YouTube, to educate the world on HIV and how ridiculous it is to “ban” your kids from socializing with someone who has it.

    Many people constantly place blame on everything and everyone and make themselves a victim. Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I make more money? Why am I stuck at this job?

    The world doesn’t owe you anything; you were not born a victim. Yet when you look around how many people do you find complaining about their situation but not taking any action or effort to improve it?

    The world gives you so much to work with if you work with it and put in the effort.

    6. Re-direct your energy.

    An actress told her story of failed audition after failed audition while witnessing other people’s success. She knew she could have gotten caught in the negative energy of envy and blame—upset that others were getting roles, getting paid more, or traveling more.

    She didn’t go this way, though; she knew envy can be channeled into focus and motivation.

    The lesson in here is quite simple. Instead of wasting energy being angry, envious, or jealous of those with more success, redirect that energy and ask, “What can I learn from this person to improve my own life?”

    As a result of doing this, she re-auditioned for a part she hadn’t received and was so motivated she ended up blowing them away and getting the role on the spot.

    7. Give your attention.

    One of the speakers began his talk with a severe stutter. The energetic crowd grew quiet, not knowing how to react. He then switched to a more fluent voice and told the audience he suffered with this stutter for the first twenty years of his life.

    When he was a young teen, he worked at one of Vidal Sassoon’s salons, doing odd behind the scenes jobs where he didn’t need to speak, like sweeping and tidying up after customers. Most people didn’t give him the time of day or would mock his difficulty in speaking.

    One day it was announced that Vidal Sassoon himself, the CEO, was coming to visit their Salon. Vidal made a point to meet with everyone, from the highest manager to the ones attending to the cut hair on the floor.

    When he approached the young boy, he asked what his name was. The boy tried to respond but was too nervous, and his stutter was so severe that he just could not get his name out. Vidal smiled, crouched down in front of him, and said “It’s okay, son, I have all the time in the world.”

    The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Never allow yourself to get in the mindset that people are “below you,” because even the smallest conversation can make someone’s day. People will forget many things, but they will always remember how others made them feel.

    —

    Imagine a world where everyone learned the lessons above from a young age. It’s possible, but starts with each of us.

    Woman reading image via Shutterstock

  • What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    What Are You Practicing—Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

    Woman with heart hands

    “You are what you practice most.” ~Richard Carlson

    “What are you practicing?” she asked in a gentle, lilting voice.

    The entire class was in triangle pose, and at that moment I was comparing my triangle to the young woman’s right next to mine, scolding myself for wobbling out of the pose and simultaneously harassing myself for not being “further along” in my career. (Because if you’re going to hate on yourself, my motto is GO BIG.)

    “Are you practicing judgment or comparison?” she tenderly probed.

    “WTF!” I thought. “Does this woman have a direct line to my brain?”

    “Are you practicing worry or blame?” she continued. “Perhaps you’re practicing patience and love. Notice what you’re practicing and know that you become what you practice. What you practice is what you live.”

    DAMN IT!

    I was three days into a five-day yoga retreat and I was far from blissed out. In fact, I had deftly managed to tie myself into a knot of comparison, self-doubt, judgment, confusion, shame, and embarrassment.

    With my inner critic having hijacked my brain I was a total wreck, and caught myself, more than once, crying through one of the two yoga classes I took each day.

    I should also mention I was pissed to be spending days of supposed relaxation and inner communion bumping up against every old demon that laid buried within me. Not a productive use of time, and if there’s anything I hate, it’s feeling unproductive.

    I had gone on the yoga retreat (my first ever, and a huge indulgence according to my inner critic) for a good dose of soul care. I was craving reconnection badly and knew an idyllic yoga retreat in the Berkshire mountains was just what I needed to come back to myself. Little did I expect that to get to that reconnection, I first had to wade through a number of stinky layers of self-perpetuated crap.

    And so there I was, wobbling in and out of triangle pose, in full blown comparison mode and hating on myself for not having written a book yet, for not being on SuperSoul Sunday, and for most certainly not being Zen during a yoga class.

    And then her soft words plucked me out of my maelstrom of negativity.

    “What are you practicing?”

    I took a breath.

    And then another, letting the fresh oxygen pulse through me.

    I took another, solidified my stance, stretched more deeply into the pose, and faced all I was practicing.

    I let the comparison and self-doubt wash over me. Let the judgment and shame flow. Let the embarrassment of this entire emotional debacle be there without feeling bad for feeling any of it.

    In the breath I found that I wasn’t practicing the negative feelings and old stories. I was experiencing them. What I was practicing in feeling them (without kicking myself for experiencing them) was compassion.

    I let the compassion grow, filling every edge of my body, and watched it morph. First into curiosity for my feelings, then acknowledgement for my pained state, and then into deep love for myself for finding kindness where there had originally only been gripped anger and a cold heart.

    What I found in the instructor’s question was this: I can experience any number of painful thoughts and feelings, and in approaching them with compassion, it’s compassion I’m practicing, not negativity.

    I wish I could tell you with that realization my struggle ended, my demons were forever released, and I quickly became the blissed out, wise yogini I had wanted to be at the start of my retreat.

    Not so much.

    It took another few days (and will probably take the rest of my life) to continually soften, to come back to the breath, and to remember to practice compassion.

    But what her question did do was loosen the knot.

    It created space to find compassion where there had originally been none. It sparked the sloughing off of old layers, the questioning of painful stories, and the unfurling of my most sacred knowing to allow me to reconnect with myself.

    “What are you practicing” is a brave question, as it often brings us face to face with the uncomfortable emotional space we’re in. And yet, it’s in letting ourselves ask the question and getting curious about it that a crack is made for compassion to squeeze through.

    The next time you catch yourself in a maelstrom of comparison, anger, self-doubt, worry, or judgment, take a breath and ask, “What am I practicing?” Be gentle with what comes up (no judging yourself for being judgmental) and notice if in embracing your experience with tenderness, compassion has a chance to blossom.

    Know this: It’s impossible to practice love and patience all the time. That kind of every-second-of-every-day bliss was not built into us humans. We suffer, and that’s okay.

    And when we can be compassionate with ourselves when we’re practicing things other than love, our heart softens, our grip loosens, and suddenly we have a greater access to the love we were seeking all along.

    Woman with heart hands image via Shutterstock

  • What to Do When Your Partner Disappoints or Frustrates You

    What to Do When Your Partner Disappoints or Frustrates You

    Upset Couple

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

    We are wired to seek “the right one,” the ever-supportive partner, and the loving relationship.

    If we get all three, it’s like winning the lottery of life. When we meet someone, we dream of him/her being our soul mate. When we are in a relationship, we hope they’ll love and support us unconditionally, and the relationship will be loving and everlasting.

    That would be the ideal world, and, unfortunately, the ideal world isn’t the one we live in.

    It took me a divorce and a few failed relationships to learn what real love is. Strong, lasting love is not being with “the right one” or being in a relationship that is effortlessly wonderful all the time. That’s a disempowering way of living, just like waiting for life to be perfect.

    I came to understand that true love is a daily commitment to make the relationship great by being loving and attentive in our action and our words.

    With the exception of cases whereby our partner is purposefully being physically/verbally abusive or emotionally manipulative, to love is to commit to being loving even when our partner unintentionally disappoints, frustrates, or hurt us.

    On days when it’s difficult to fulfill this commitment, I apply these five steps and they help me avoid getting caught up in passive-aggressive spirals with my partner.

    1. Get real and see the whole picture.

    When our partner lets us down, it can hurt so bad that we become blinded from everything else that matters.

    In defense of our wounded ego, we overreact by blowing the issue out of proportion and getting argumentative beyond reason. Our logic gets hijacked and we forget to see the whole picture—that in most cases, what we fight about isn’t truly important.

    During times like these, I ask myself, “Is it the end of the world, or the relationship, that this problem happened because of his insensitivity/immaturity/irresponsibility? Or is it a passing storm that ravages, but we can rebuild from there and learn lessons for the future?”

    2. Dig out the “I am loved” list.

    Reason flies out the window of our mind whenever we’re in pain or experiencing rage. Our mind focuses on how we’re being victimized and blacks out the times when our partners acted lovingly toward us.

    Whenever I find myself reacting like this, I dig deep in my “I am loved” list. It’s a list I keep of all the big and small loving things my partner regularly does and recently did for me.

    For instance, I may recall that when I was feeling stressed and exhausted, despite finishing work late himself, he traveled a long way to my place, got me dinner, went grocery shopping, and stocked my fridge with my favorite nourishing food items.

    I’ll also recall the regular acts of love he does, such as texting me first thing after he wakes up and last thing before he goes to bed each day, getting me coffee in bed, giving me massages when I’ve been working long hours, and cheering me up whenever I feel down.

    3. Picture his/her plate and realize how full/heavy it is.

    In the ideal scenario, our partner is loving, caring, attentive, and affectionate 24/7. That said, it’s easy to be so when we are not bounded by life’s stresses, problems, and burdens.

    Whenever my partner is acting in an unloving way, I try to counter my feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment by putting myself in his shoes and picturing the responsibilities, issues, and worries that are in his life at that point.

    This simple exercise helps me see things from his perspective and enables me to be understanding on days when he isn’t able to act in ways a “good” partner would. Instead of focusing on how he can be loving toward me, this practice gives me the opportunity to identify how I can be loving and supportive of him.

    4. Get aware of how your response perpetuates your partner’s unloving behavior.

    It takes two hands to clap. When our partner isn’t being loving, the ego’s response is to think, “I don’t deserve this, so I’m going to retaliate and claim back my power.” Such a reaction only traps us in a lose-lose cycle.

    We pit ourselves against each other, when deep down all we want is to feel that our partner cherishes us and is on our side as our biggest supporter.

    Whenever I feel tempted to react negatively, I take a deep breath and direct my thoughts to how I can break the vicious cycle. I’ll ask myself, “How can I communicate my boundaries on unacceptable behavior without angry words of blame, judgment, and criticism?”

    The challenge is to swap the unconstructive reflex of finger pointing with the constructive practice of educating our partners on the right way to treat us.

    5. Be loving, but keep healthy expectations and boundaries.

    While it’s important to be the right person in a relationship, rather than wait for one, it’s critical that we maintain firm boundaries. Being loving should not happen at the expense of our sense of self-worth.

    It’s healthy to expect our partners to treat us with respect, to prioritize us, to communicate their feelings to us, and to show appreciation. When our partners start to take us for granted, we need to communicate in a firm but non-confrontational way that we will not accept that behavior.

    —

    How do you respond when your partner is acting in unkind and unloving ways? Do you think these tips could help?

    Upset couple image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Ways to Make Your Workday Awesome

    7 Ways to Make Your Workday Awesome

    Happy at Work

    “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I wish my first real boss had read the book Fish. It’s the story of Mary Jan Ramirez, a young widow who took a job managing the least productive and most negative department of First Guarantee Financial, in Seattle, Washington. In fact, the department was referred to as the “toxic waste dump” of the company.

    One day she had an epiphany as she observed workers in “Pike Place Fish Market,”—people who had smelly, nasty jobs of cleaning, wrapping, cooking, and serving fish to an overflow crowd.

    This team was having a great time and were the reason for the overflow crowd. She found the owner and began a several-month relationship during which she learned how to make the workplace both fun and productive.

    My first real job was when I was a student at USC, studying computer science and game/app design and minoring in media communications. I took a part-time job with a small local consulting firm that handled digital marketing campaigns for small businesses—maintaining their blogs and their social media platforms, user testing designs and specific strategies, and so forth.

    The owner of the firm was a sour man. He assigned tasks and deadlines to all of us, discouraged collaboration, and seemed only to come out of his office to “bark” at someone.

    While the creativity portion of the work was personally rewarding, the office itself was a bleak, stark den of unhappy people. Fortunately, he was gone quite a bit, meeting with prospects and managing current ones (I don’t know how he made any sales—perhaps he had a split-personality), and we were like those bad children who came out to play when he left.

    I was determined to make my workday more pleasant, and hopefully the days of my co-workers, so I began to add things to the environment. The result? We began to have some fun at work and, despite, the disapproving looks of Mr. Sour Man, he could not argue with success. Everyone was more productive.

    If you are in such a situation, I urge you to take a look at the suggestions below. They really do work.

    7 Strategies to Help You Transform Your Workday

    You may actually like your work, and you may already feel that you are plenty productive; on the other hand, you may not really like your work that much and are the first one out the door when you workday is over. You can change that, however, by adding these seven easy elements.

    1. Bring just a bit of fun to your workplace.

    In the morning, while you have you coffee, get online and find a great joke. Type it up, make copies, get in early, and put it on everyone’s desk—anonymously.

    If that’s not possible, post it on the inside doors of the restroom stalls or on the mirrors; post it in the lounge and by drinking fountains. Call it the joke of the day and do it every day. They will begin to look forward to it every morning and it will start their day, and yours, in a totally different way. This was my first “secret” activity.

    2. Make someone else’s day.

    Nothing complicated here. Notice what snacks or drinks you co-workers consume. Pick one, maybe even the sourest one, and present him/her with it.

    Do this often—people will actually start to be nicer to each other and they may begin to emulate your behavior. I discovered that people do really want to “pay it forward.” When I did this for just a couple of people, they began to do it for others.

    3. Hate your current task? Stop and do something fun.

    Put in your headphones and dance; walk the halls and whistle. You’ll return with much better energy. Do this every hour or so, and you will actually work better and faster.

    This was not always possible for me, because the office space was quite small. However, we had our own take on this.

    We used our lunch hour for music and fun. Instead of running out of the place to escape for lunch, people began to bring their lunches and stay in, so that we could have our music, but also share our specific challenges and bounce ideas off of one another. Lunchtime became team-meeting time. I was only there for lunch two days a week, but it still happened when I was gone—huzzah!

    4. Decorate you workspace.

    For this, you have to lose a bit of inhibition perhaps. Do you like colorful balloons? Do it. If you work in a cubby, decorate the outside too—give your workers some incentive to get creative themselves. You can even hold a contest. We didn’t have any contests, but once I personalized my workspace, so did others. It does wonders for the whole atmosphere.

    5. In the nice weather, have a parking lot picnic.

    Do this once a month or so—bring your grill and have everyone else bring food to share. In the winter, cure those doldrums by organizing a themed lunch—everyone brings a dish.

    We actually did have some parking lot barbeques, and relieved the receptionist/secretary so she could participate too. She became our biggest fan.

    6. Put a team together to do good.

    Surely there is a local charity organization that needs some volunteers—maybe Habitat for Humanity or a boys’ and girls’ club. Adopt some families at Christmas. One office team gave up an entire weekend and painted all of the classrooms in an inner city school.

    The great things about these kinds of activities? Everyone feels really good about themselves, and co-workers begin to establish personal relationships that carryover into the workplace. With those kinds of relationships, you can ask for help when you need it without feeling like you are intruding or irritating someone else.

    My fraternity was involved in Habitat for Humanity, and I managed to get several of my co-workers to come out for some of the projects. We developed strong relationships began to pitch in to help when one of us was “under the gun” and needed help.

    7. Find inspiration from others.

    There is a lot of good stuff in print out there. Visit a bookstore and browse through the sections on success and self-help. Pick up a couple of books that speak to making your workplace more enjoyable, including both mental and physical activities that will inspire you and that you can put into practice right away. I didn’t use any of these books, but for sure there have to be some more great ideas out there.

    Accept the fact that you cannot change your boss or the tasks of your work right now. You may really dislike them and even look toward the day when you can make a change. But for right now, you have to be in the “now” right where you are. You have to be able to get up every day and look forward to going to work—that’s what attitude is all about.

    If you can find things that will make your workplace more fun, you may be surprised that the tasks you hated actually “change” for you. That is what Wayne Dyer’s quote is all about.

    For me, I chose a life as a freelancer because it suits my lifestyle choices. But I have never forgotten reading the book Fish and taking up the challenge to help transform a workplace.

    Happy at work image via Shutterstock

  • The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    The Power of Literal Listening: Take the Stress Out of Communication

    Listening

    “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    If I’m honest, I don’t think I listened to another person until I was in my thirties. I wasn’t really listening, not completely. It’s not that I’m super selfish or vain; I was just so busy doing the mental gymnastics that I thought I had to do to keep up in conversations that I missed what was actually being said to me.

    I grew up in a family where it felt like nearly everything that was said had another, unspoken meaning. I remember feeling really confused as a child, not sure why the things that were said to other people were so different from what I’d heard in private and why what was said was not always what ultimately happened.

    There was definitely an element of “do as I say and no as I do” in there, but it was more than that too. It was like there was a hint of secrecy underneath those conversations. Even though I couldn’t articulate it or understand it at the time, I certainly remember that I felt it, and that it had a big impact on me.

    I often felt like there was something else that wasn’t being said, and that if I could just figure out what that something was, all the pieces would fit together and everything would finally make sense.

    This created so much uncertainty for me: Why wasn’t I good enough and trustworthy enough to be told? Why did they think I wasn’t I strong enough to handle it? Why wasn’t I smart enough to figure this out?

    In the end, I never could make all those pieces fit, even after years and years of trying. Now, looking back on those experiences and those messages I got while I was growing up, I can see what happened instead was that I developed some very unhealthy habits and beliefs about people and the world.

    I learned to be hypersensitive to other people and their emotions, and perfectionism took over all areas of my life. I was just a kid, but I was trying so hard to read other people’s minds, interpret and analyze their words, and to prepare myself (mostly through endless worrying) for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

    Let’s skip a few of the messy middle bits where I failed miserably at perfectionism and mind reading (and I’m so grateful that I did!) Fast forward to me as a grown up, having kids of my own, to me loving them so fiercely and wanting to always be able to communicate with them, no matter what.

    So I did what anyone in my situation would do—I searched desperately for someone to tell me what to do; I googled, I read self-help books, and did coaching and counselling. All that helped bit by bit, but it wasn’t quite enough.

    It wasn’t quite the right fit for me and I needed to figure out a way to make it my own. Thankfully, kids start out as babies, so I had a bit of time to try out a bunch of different things and put my own unique spin on what I’d been learning about before my kids started having bigger, more complicated emotions and asking me Why? all the time.

    I’ve done all kinds of self-development work around mindfulness, forgiveness, and gratitude, which has given me a new appreciation for my family, for those skills I learned in childhood, and for my own sensitivity. After all, they’re part of what makes me really good at helping people and at being an amazing parent, wife, and friend.

    Even though I was able to change a lot of my old beliefs, the way I was communicating, and the way I was parenting my own kids, it still took me a really long time and a lot of practice to learn to trust that what people say is what they mean.

    It turns out that this practice is an actual practice. It’s called “literal listening,” which may sound all fancy, but it’s really quite simple and you don’t need anything special to do it—just another person who is talking and some patience.

    Basically, when you’re having a conversation, you focus on the actual words that the other person is saying and respond to them from a place of sincere belief that this is what they actually mean.

    Definitely try this out with your partner, if you have one, and your kids! It might feel a bit strange or difficult at first, but it’s a much simpler way of relating to other people and it’s totally worth putting in the effort to learn.

    Just listen. Listen to the words that are being said to you. And ask yourself, What is the literal meaning of these words? If I believed these words are true, how would I respond?

    The caveat: People don’t always know how they feel, what they need, or what to say. Sometimes, for any number of reasons, they choose to be extra careful or extra vague with their words. And sometimes, no matter how sincere your efforts at literal listening are, there are other unspoken things going on underneath their words.

    The truth is, listening and understanding will never be exact; language is messy and words are shaped by individual experiences. But it can get so much better, and this is the way!

    So, if you find yourself stuck, or if you’re having trouble following the other person’s literal meaning, just ask. Ask for clarification, ask for more information, or ask them to repeat what they’ve said. The other person will be so happy you cared enough to ask, and then you can practice your literal listening skills on whatever they say next.

    When I first started doing this with my husband and kids, I had to explain that I needed more concrete responses from them (it’s really hard to work with grunts, maybes, and I don’t knows!) and sometimes even ask them to explain things to me again, using different words.

    I also have a few things I started saying to them over and over: I trust that what you say is what you mean (because I really do!), I don’t know anything you don’t tell me (because I really don’t and guessing gets us nowhere!) and I’m not upset, I just need more information from you (because asking for an explanation can sometimes leave the other person feeling like you’re trying to start an argument).

    With practice, you’ll realize you no longer have to try to read between the lines, guess at the other person’s ulterior motives, or mind read. And that you can let go of trying to squeeze that one conversation or one sentence into the context of an entire relationship, let go of holding on to the past, and let go of all that judging, second guessing, and over analyzing.

    There’s an extra added bonus too: You’ll also start to notice that you trust yourself more, because you’ll learn to say what you actually mean too. You’ll start to communicate more clearly and confidently, and other people will notice (and probably thank you for not expecting them to read your mind like everyone else does!)

    Just think about how much time and mental energy you could save by using literal listening—not to mention how much more honest and trustworthy the other person will feel and how much more safe and certain you will feel.

    Let’s be real here, I’m not saying literal listening is going to fix every communication problem you’ve ever had and that you’ll never be upset or disappointed by someone else again. You are, after all, a human being talking to other human beings and we’re all beautifully complicated and sometimes changeable.

    What I’m saying is, we all have hundreds of little exchanges and conversations every day, so give literal listening a try. Try it today with the next person you talk to. You have nothing to lose, no one will ever know you’re doing it, and it will absolutely change your relationships for the better.

    Listening image via Shutterstock

  • How to Live a Fulfilling Life: 10 Powerful Lessons from Loss

    How to Live a Fulfilling Life: 10 Powerful Lessons from Loss

    Man in Rays of Sun

    “Make ‘Let go of control’ your mantra today.” ~Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges #177

    When the phone call came I was thousands of miles from home. My father was suddenly ill, admitted to the hospital. I was a medical doctor by then, and I felt a foreboding.

    My mind went back to my childhood.

    Imagine being a little child in a dark room. Every small noise evokes images of vicious monsters lurking in the night. They draw nearer.

    You cry out, “Daddy!” And cry out once more. Then your hero comes to the rescue.

    Your father shuffles in half-asleep, picks you up, and pats you to sleep. All terrors dispelled, you feel invincible in your father’s arms. That’s one of my earliest memories.

    That feeling of utter safety and joy in my father’s arms was deeply imprinted in me. I said to my wife, “I don’t want to lose him!” He wasn’t very old, my mother had just retired, and they intended to travel the world together.

    Only months earlier I had taken our daughter to visit him. His first grandchild had thrilled him beyond description. He gazed at her adoringly as she fell asleep, bought a parrot in a cage to amuse her, clowned around to keep her laughing, and generally behaved as if he was high on love.

    Now we had a brand new baby, a son. My father had not seen him. “As soon as Daddy’s well again, I’ll come back with our son,” I thought.

    I rushed from the airport to my father’s hospital bed. He seemed to have aged by decades in the few months since our last visit! A variety of tubes went into and out of him, his eyes were shut.

    “Daddy, it’s me,” I said. His arms, pinned down by tubes, tried to reach up for a hug. The tangle of tubes made a hug impossible.

    Over the next few days I watched with growing frustration as he sank. All my instincts as a son and a doctor were to save him by any means. I demanded to speak to his very able doctors, and urged them to try a novel, desperate procedure.

    It was too late; his internal organs started shutting down. As the sun set over the sea outside the window, I held his hand and chanted to him softly, “Sleep in peace, old warrior, my darling.” He died some hours later.

    The fact of his death didn’t sink in immediately. I was still smiling at his funeral, comforting and reassuring the mourners.

    The next morning I woke up in my old bedroom and went automatically toward the bathroom where Dad would usually be shaving. He wasn’t there. I couldn’t exchange the usual “Good morning.” That’s when it hit me.

    I broke down, blabbing like a baby. His brother, my uncle, hugged me close. It was the start of a slow grieving process, which opened my eyes to a few things about life.

    1. You can’t control some of the most important things, so stop pretending. Be less impatient and more carefree.

    As Nietzsche wrote, “Through the certain prospect of death a precious, fragrant drop of frivolity might be mixed with every life.” Or, as Belloc wrote, “There’s nothing worth the wear of winning but laughter and the love of friends.”

    Make some room each day to nourish celebration, no matter how dire your circumstances. You’re breathing; treat that as a gift. Inhabit each moment more fully instead of being constantly preoccupied with the past or future.

    2. Don’t postpone happiness.

    It’s okay to make plans for when you’re 100, but don’t forget to reach for fulfillment this year, this month, this week, and today. You aren’t just preparing for life; this day and this moment are all you might have.

    As the economist Keynes wrote, “In the long run we’re all dead.” Make sure you live before you die.

    3. Don’t be afraid to reach for your dreams, even if you might fail.

    No matter what you do or don’t, the eventual outcome of your life is certain: death. Death can be sudden and unexpected.

    If you can’t predict when you’ll die, there’s little point in fearing small failures. Just aim for the most fulfilling life you can imagine, and take one meaningful step after another in that direction. You’ll surprise yourself with how much you achieve, and how meaningful the journey is.

    Sometimes you’ll win and sometimes you’ll lose, but join the games that fit you. Only potentially catastrophic risks need put you off.

    When the dice roll against you, remember death. It will help you make molehills out of mountains. That’s how you’ll stand like a rock in the storms of life.

    4. Fill your minutes with fulfillment and the years will take care of themselves.

    Time slips away like the sand in an hourglass. The hourglass of your life, however, can collapse without warning.

    Live intentionally; choose what work, play, and celebration receive your precious time. Even if you have a boss, find ways to be the pilot of your own life. Don’t be afraid to move on from soul-destroying situations as you reach for more fulfillment.

    Don’t neglect to allocate your time intentionally on a weekly and even daily basis. Align work, chores, play, relaxation, and celebration with your most cherished values.

    5. Measure your success by criteria that go beyond money.

    There’s only so much you can eat and drink, and only so much bed-space you can occupy. Don’t let the pursuit of money blind you to the wider ingredients of a deeply fulfilling life.

    As Steve Jobs said, “Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful… that’s what matters to me.”

    6. Make the most of the sheer, primal joy of family.

    One of the best gifts I gave my father was the joy of holding his first grandchild. I have a picture of them together, from our short visit. It’s one of my most treasured possessions.

    It’s amazing: two individuals come together and make a baby, then that baby often goes on to make a baby of the next generation. When someone says you have your father’s eyes or your mother’s nose, they are usually seeing a physical part of your parents in you.

    If you’ve started a family, don’t treat it as an interruption in your “real” life. Recognize, respect, and nurture it as a deep and priceless part of your being.

    7. Don’t let grudges simmer.

    Death takes away the opportunity to clear the air and make things right with someone. Do it now.

    I was blessed with a beautiful relationship with my father, which easily bore the weight of our faults and shortcomings. However, his death prompted me to put things right with other loved ones.

    If you were to exchange circumstances and history with someone else, you might behave even worse than they do. Be more understanding toward the real or imagined faults of others. Even your parents are mere human beings deserving of your understanding and forgiveness.

    8. Build hoops of love that can reach beyond the grave.

    My father is with me everywhere now. I should have a hole in my heart where he was, but it’s partly filled by the wonderful love that flourished between us and which I still feel vividly.

    The grief of loss is still real, but the profound love which underlies the grief is like an everlasting balm.

    9. Don’t underestimate the power of touch.

    As I broke down the morning after the funeral, my uncle’s hug was more comforting and healing than any words could be.

    People with depression will tell you how powerfully comforting the gentle touch of a loved one can be. A hug can reach the parts that mere words can’t reach.

    10. Live as if nobody’s watching.

    When you’re dead, the expectations of others will be irrelevant to you. Don’t squander your life suppressing your own potential in order to chase the approval of others.

    Keep growing in your understanding of the gifts and treasures within you, which deserve and require nurturing. Keep growing toward your best self, and recognize that you are a unique gift to the world. Don’t blindly copy the lives of others, or you might die before you’ve had a chance to live your own life.

    Death often brings indescribable grief and pain to the bereaved. But it’s also a great teacher.

    Whenever you remember death, treat it as a pointer to a better life. Create a life in which each moment expresses your cherished values. Then death, however sudden and unexpected, won’t be able to snatch fulfillment away from you.

    Man in rays of sun image via Shutterstock

  • Giveaway: Let It Go Coloring Book for Stress Relief

    Giveaway: Let It Go Coloring Book for Stress Relief

    Let It Go

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    • Lyndsay G
    • Beth Casey
    • Marsha Lawrence
    • Claudia Menger
    • Teejayhanton

    You can get a copy of Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress on Amazon here.

    When I was a kid, I could color for hours. I could be a little Type-A about it; if I went outside the lines, I would often rip out the page and throw it away, and I may even have yelled, “I hate coloring!” while cursing my imperfection.

    But that was a lie—I loved it. So it was only a matter of time before I way lying on my stomach in the living room, humming the Gummy Bears cartoon theme song, and trying again for a crayon masterpiece.

    Years later, in my early twenties, I did the exact same thing in my living room while my boyfriend (at the time) played video games. I remember thinking we were both regressing, but I didn’t care.

    We’d each battled depression before, and were always on the lookout for something to numb the pain. I don’t think we consciously realized it at the time, but that’s exactly what we were doing right then, in a far healthier way than usual.

    There was something so calming about doing these mindless, childlike activities, free from the burden of our usual stresses. Bills were piling up, neither of us had a career path, but for that short time, our minds felt free.

    In my late twenties, having lost touch with my coloring habit for years, I went to a visit a friend who had a toddler at the time. Sure enough, I found her coloring with what she called “Mommy’s markers.”

    Unlike her son’s, these ones had fine point tips, ideal for coloring intricate pictures. I sat down, pulled out a page, and once again I was hooked.

    Still, I didn’t keep the habit for long. I remember thinking she had an excuse—she had a son. But it was a little embarrassing for me to color, alone, in my free time.

    That’s what I thought back then. Now, however, I’m not afraid to admit it: I love coloring. I love my fine point markers. I love my stack of coloring books.

    I love the time I take for myself to clear my head and focus on something fun and creative. I love that this enables me to relax, recharge, and not reflect, as I do all too often throughout my day.

    And I love that adult coloring is all the rage now, and there are so many awesome coloring books to choose from.

    I’m still a little Type-A about it—I admit I’ve ripped out a few pages after coloring outside of the lines. But I’ve also learned to turn “mistakes” into interesting details, challenging my sometimes-judgmental mind to turn the “bad” into “good.”

    Since I’m always on the lookout for new coloring books (a sentence I never thought I’d write as an adult), it was quite serendipitous when I received an email about Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress.

    Illustrated by Sherise Seven, the book includes forty one-sided, hand-drawn, perforated coloring pages and eleven activity pages that will “push your brain toward happiness and inspirational positive thoughts.”

    I love how this book is filled with unique, intricate images and uplifting messages. And I especially appreciate that it comes with a color protector page so I don’t ruin any of the awesome pictures from color bleeding through the page.

    Lori-Deschene-Let-It-Go-Coloring

    Yes, that’s my work above. (Look Mom, I stayed in the lines!)

    If you too are looking for a fun, creative, stress-relieving hobby, I highly recommend grabbing a coloring book—and fortunately, I have five copies of Let It Go to giveaway. 

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of five free copies:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • For an extra entry, share the giveaway on Facebook or Twitter, and include the link in your comment.

    You can enter until Friday, December 25th.

    Want to grab a copy now? You can get a copy of Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • What the Bathroom Scales Are Not Telling You

    What the Bathroom Scales Are Not Telling You

    Feet on Scale

    “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

    At a recent visit to the doctor’s office I had some routine checks done. Afterward, the doctor flipped through the findings and said, “Blood pressure, good. Pulse, good. Weight, okay.”

    He then continued talking about other things, but my mind was still on his previous words. “Weight, okay.”

    Why wasn’t my weight “good” like my pulse and blood pressure? 

    I had managed to completely skim over the fact that my vital signs were absolutely fine. I immediately fixated on the physical aspect—and added my own negative slant to it. 

    There is so much that is so deeply ingrained within us that even when we are self-assured, we still get caught off guard sometimes.

    A few weeks before the doctors appointment I’d gone shopping for a winter coat. I found one I liked, grabbed two sizes for comparison, and went through to the fitting room. One size was slightly too snug under the arms and the other gave me more freedom to move.

    But the better fitting coat had a label that read “large.” And I had a problem with it.

    I tried both coats on again, as though somehow expecting a different result. I told myself I was just making sure. Just being certain. Once again I determined that the larger size was a better fit. Except this time, I played it a little differently.

    Instead of just looking at my body shape and size in my reflection, I looked into my eyes. I reminded myself that I am a beautiful, empowered woman who does not permit herself to be restricted by limiting labels. Who does not measure her self-worth by numbers. 

    And off I went to the cash register smiling.

    Both experiences gave me a bit of a wobble, but I was also grateful for the opportunity to remind myself of what truly matters.

    It can be challenging at times to keep our confidence in tact, because even when we deflect the worst of what some of society (and almost all of the media) tries to throw at us, occasionally it finds a way through.

    Yes, I could be slimmer. I could say no to the glass of wine or the homemade fudge. I could. But—empowerment alert—I don’t want to.

    I choose my life. All of it. I choose the thoughts that I feed my mind and I choose the food that I feed my body. I strive to ensure that I’m in balance.

    There is a space between greed and deprivation and I (mostly) live there. Sometimes I wander. I’m okay with that. Because honestly, it’s better for me to visit both directions occasionally than to be hell-bent on staying firmly in the middle. 

    I follow a plant-based diet and I exercise every day. But I don’t want to be fixated on a so-called ideal (and unrealistic) image that doesn’t allow me to enjoy my life.

    Sometimes a little loss of control is good for the soul.

    Like many of us, I used to obsess about my weight. I would step onto the bathroom scales every single day and look to see if I could hit that magic number. Quite often I did. I also had a variety of hospital trips that unearthed low blood pressure, repeated urinary tract infections, and a brutal inner ear infection.

    And that’s why I went to the cash register with the large coat and a larger grin.

    The bathroom scales cannot tell me how much my contribution to this world counts. They cannot tell me the density of the passion I feel for what I do. They cannot tell me the value of my cherished relationships.

    What if we stopped measuring our waistlines and started measuring our magical moments? The ones where we laugh like lunatics with our friends. The ones where we look down and find our hand wrapped in someone else’s. The ones where we let ourselves get gorgeously lost in a book or a movie. The ones where we fill up on love and get dizzy drunk with happy. 

    Will you get to the end of your days thinking, “I’m so glad I spent all those years sucking in my stomach”?

    Or will you smile as remember how much you enjoyed creating precious memories?

    Will your final thoughts be that you wish your thighs had been slimmer or smoother?

    Or will you just be grateful that they carried you?

    Will you ponder on what everyone else thought of your life?

    Or will you just think “I’m glad I did it my own glorious way”?

    I may have the odd moment of self-doubt (aka being human) but there are many, many more moments where I remember that I’ve come a long way since being that younger, slimmer, unhappier, less confident girl.

    I’m now a woman with a wonderful weapon—an empowered mind. And believe me when I tell you, she doesn’t play small.

    Feet on scale image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Practice to Appreciate Our Bodies, Flaws and All

    A Simple Practice to Appreciate Our Bodies, Flaws and All

    Sunset Silhouette

    “Who does not thank for little does not thank for much.” ~Estonian Proverb

    I remember the moment so well: I had been seeing a new guy for a few months and I was staying the night for the first time. Up until that point he hadn’t seen me without heavy makeup, as I was careful to always look completely put together while with him.

    That night I had to make a decision.

    I could fall asleep with my makeup still on, or I could remove it first. Did I feel comfortable enough to let him see me without foundation, eyeliner, or mascara? Would he still like me?

    For many people this might not be a tough decision to make (and truly, I have nothing against makeup or those who wear it), but for over a decade I had worried constantly about anyone seeing me without. I had over a decade of time to build up unhealthy attitudes about my appearance.

    Any time I spent the night away from home, from trips and staying with friends to dating, I would get up around 5am to redo my makeup and get back into bed before “waking up.”

    It was exhausting, but the only way I felt comfortable around other people. Going to the beach or the pool was a real struggle.

    I remember this particular moment so strongly because when he saw me the only thing he said was “you look so different.”

    The comment itself wasn’t outwardly negative, but I also noticed his body language and the look on his face. Let’s just say it didn’t make me feel supported, or beautiful, or seen. It simply made me feel sad.

    Moving Past Crippling Self-Criticism

    Sometimes I feel gratitude for that moment, the weight of my own insecurity so heavy that I knew there was a choice to make.

    Would I repeat this scenario again and again in each new relationship, holding my breath and expecting the worst in that critical moment? Or would I learn to truly accept myself first, as I was?

    Not long after, I stopped wearing makeup completely.

    I had significant difficulty at first, to be honest. I was so used to feeling put together and confident. No makeup left me feeling depressed and deeply unattractive, as I was struggling with significant acne at the time.

    I even had trouble looking up from the ground while I walked, as I was so afraid to be seen.

    I remember thinking to myself during this time have faith, have faith, have faith.

    And then one morning I was drawn to stand in front of the mirror and place one hand on my stomach and the other hand over my heart. I took a deep breath and said to my body, Thank you for taking care of me.

    Then I touched the skin of my cheeks to feel their warmth and said, Thank you for your resilience.

    Then my hands, my fingers, my wrists: Thank you for your strength. 

    And finally my throat, saying, Thank you for your truth.

    I ended the practice with a simple thank you. I love you.

    A Shift in Perspective

    Whenever my critical eye began to get the best of me, I’d return to the mirror.

    Thank you. I love you.

    The most powerful part of the exercise for me has always been the element of touch.

    I’ve always found it so easy to briefly glance in the mirror and only see what I dislike. My flaws become harder to see when I feel the strong beat of my heart and the muscles beneath my skin that make my life as I know it possible. A pimple doesn’t seem as important when my chest rises and falls beneath my hand during a powerful breath.

    I still have mornings when I wake up and am not pleased with what I see in the mirror. However, I now also have mornings when I feel complete gratitude for what my body allows me to do and who I’m able to be.

    I now have mornings when I look at my eyes in the mirror and instead of seeing pale eyelashes I see kindness. I see courage and determination.

    Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for your resilience.

    It’s incredibly easy to be critical of ourselves, and so incredibly vulnerable to embrace our bodies, acne and all.

    The next time you feel insecure, try reconnecting to yourself with a simple touch. Touch reinvigorates us with the energy that runs through our veins, our skin, our organs.

    Thank you for your strength.

    Place one hand over your heart and the other on your stomach and breathe in and out, feeling the healing impact of your breath on your body.

    Thank you for your truth.

    Stay there for several breaths, eyes open or closed.

    When you’re ready, say thank you.

    When you’re ready, I love you.

    Sunset silhouette via Shutterstock

  • 5 Things That Stop You from Achieving Your Goals and How to Overcome Them

    5 Things That Stop You from Achieving Your Goals and How to Overcome Them

    “Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.” ~Oprah Winfrey

    I’ll never forget being filled with utter disappointment as I watched my mum cross the finish line at the Paris marathon. I should have been celebrating her achievement. Instead, all I felt was regret for not crossing the finish line alongside her.

    I had set myself the goal of running a marathon and invited my mum along for the challenge. Unfortunately, I have still yet to reach my goal.

    After returning home from Paris I did a lot of soul-searching to see why I had been unable to complete a goal I’d had for three years.

    Although a personal crisis had contributed to the situation, I realized a number of things within my control had held me back. If you struggle to reach your goals, these five things could be standing in your way.

    1. Your core beliefs are holding you back.

    We all have a set of core beliefs around what we believe is possible for our lives. I had set myself a challenge to run a marathon, but in fact my core belief was that I couldn’t, because I had failed to stick to my fitness goals in the past.

    We can never achieve anything that contradicts our core beliefs, but we can change our core beliefs. By having small wins each day we can prove that what we believe about ourselves isn’t necessarily true.

    2. You don’t have a schedule (or you’re not sticking to it).

    It’s not what you do every now and then that counts, it’s what you do on a daily basis. I created a training schedule, but I didn’t commit to making progress on a daily basis. It was easy to talk myself out of runs and before I knew it, it was one month before the marathon and my fitness levels were nowhere near where they needed to be.

    Create a schedule and make sure you are sticking to it each day. Commit to doing everything in your control to make progress and you’ll be surprised how far it will take you.

    3. You don’t have an accountability partner.

    It’s one thing to set yourself a goal, but it’s another to be held accountable to it. Having another person hold you accountable will make it that much harder to quit when the going gets hard.

    Although I had signed up to do the marathon with my mum, she was in New Zealand and I was living in England. Finding someone to train with on a weekly basis would have helped to hold me accountable to my schedule.

    To achieve your goals you have to be self-motivated, but it also helps if someone else is also on your case. Pick an accountability partner who can relate to what you’re trying to achieve and will make sure you stick to your plan.

    4. You want it for the wrong reasons.

    When I was studying at university I told a friend that I wanted to run a marathon one day. “You’ll never do it,” he replied. It made me angry that he had no faith in me, and so I set out to prove him wrong.

    Do you want to achieve a goal because you want to prove someone else wrong? Are you working toward a goal because someone else decided you should? Find out what you really want, don’t be motivated by the opinions of others. Aim for a goal because it’s the right thing to do for you.

    Although I was partly driven to run a marathon because I was told I couldn’t, I did have other positive motivations. Overcoming a massive challenge, getting fitter, and achieving a personal goal were just a few of the positive reasons why I wanted to complete a marathon. I should have focused on these motivations, not wanted it because another person had no faith in my abilities.

    5. You let your past experiences define you.

    Just because you failed to reach a goal in the past, that doesn’t mean you will always fail. Even though I have yet to run a marathon, I’m proud of myself for setting the challenge and I know I will eventually reach my goal.

    Many people have goals, but never attempt them. While leading up to the marathon I significantly improved my fitness levels and took part in a half marathon. Something I may never have done without the goal of running a marathon.

    When you fail, don’t start calling yourself a failure. If you have failed in the past it shows that you have attempted to take risks. Be proud of yourself for stepping out of your comfort zone, learn from the mistakes you made, and help them propel you forward to achieving your goals in the future.

    There will be times in life when we fail, but what we learn from our failures is extremely important. Those who achieve their goals also face failures, but they grow from their mistakes, get up when they stumble, and make progress each day in the direction of their dreams.

    Remember, you are just a few small adjustments away from achieving your goals.

  • Is a Subconscious Money Taboo Holding You Back?

    Is a Subconscious Money Taboo Holding You Back?

    Money Taboo

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

    I was one of those who used to say, “Money isn’t taboo for me! Not in a million years!” That’s until I became aware of the knot in my stomach during a phone conversation with a potential business partner.

    I intended to explain how I award commissions for client referrals.

    “Well,” I said, “I offer a…gift to friends and colleagues who refer potential clients to me.”

    “A gift?” he asked on the other side of the line.

    “The gift is…uh…” My mind searched in vain for a synonym of “commission.” I cringed as the word left my mouth.

    I realized that wasn’t the first time I had felt my stomach clench during money-related conversations. I had experienced a similar feeling at the time to discuss my fees, or even at the time to bill current clients.

    That’s when it really hit me. I was uncomfortable talking about money.

    I was taught it was “bad manners” to ask people how much money they earned or how much they paid for something.

    When I was growing up, focusing on wealth or having a large fortune was also negatively seen. You might have been raised in a similar environment. “Filthy rich” is cliché for a reason…

    And this money taboo can cause big problems.

    Why? Because the result of the subconscious messages you’ve received about what is and isn’t socially unacceptable might be driving you away from the income you need to care for yourself and those around you.

    You might be subconsciously choosing to be underpaid for what you do.

    Unknowingly, you might be devaluing your contribution to the world, and by doing so, struggling to make ends meet. On top of that, the financial strain you experience might be preventing you from helping others as much as you would like to.

    Do you tend to:

    • Avoid talking about how much you charge until you absolutely have to?
    • Avoid revealing how much money you make?
    • Dread asking for a raise?

    If you can relate to any of those situations, it’s time for you to stop the subconscious money taboo. The five steps below helped me, and they might help you, too.

    Perform a value inventory.

    Money flows were value resides. It’s as simple as that. To feel that it’s okay for you to make money, you must feel that you’re delivering value.

    I felt a positive shift in my attitude toward money when I listed everything I do for those around me. The list also helped me realize I needed to make changes to some of my offerings so they would be more valuable.

    Starting today, create an inventory of the ways you contribute your skills and abilities to the world. Go beyond listing projects or services. Instead, ask yourself, “What results do I get for people? How is the planet a better place because of me?”

    If you conclude that you’re not delivering a lot of value, it’s time to change what you offer.

    You’ll be able to create massive value when you design a comprehensive solution to address a problem or meet a need.

    Assess your confidence level.

    Here is a question I always ask myself before I spend time and effort creating and selling new programs: “Would I buy this?”

    My answer must be yes before I start to work.

    Doubt is a clear sign that either your offer isn’t as good as it could be or you’re lacking self-confidence.

    Set aside some time to closely study your daily work. If you conclude that you deliver true value but still feel as though you wouldn’t pay for it, then you’ll know it’s time to do some inner work to quiet your negative inner voice.

    Any time a defeatist thought pops up in your mind, replace it with a thought that feels slightly better. For example, instead of saying, “I will never be able to pull this off,” proclaim, “I have a small chance to succeed.”

    This inner work might take some time. Be patient.

    It’s only when you feel confident about your contribution that you’ll be able to open the door to a higher income.

    Rehearse money conversations.

    One of the first public speaking tips that I learned in Toastmasters is, “Practice, practice, practice!” I decided to apply this tactic to master the skill of talking about money.

    Stand in front of the mirror and rehearse the conversation you would have with your manager or a customer. First, clearly state the value you deliver, and then communicate how much money you deserve for your contribution.

    The first few times you do this might feel uncomfortable or even silly. Keep going.

    In time, money conversations will become natural to you, and when people sense how natural the money talk feels to you, they will relax and be more willing to say yes to your proposal.

    Test money conversations.

    It’s time to test your new money conversation skills. Don’t lose hope if the first few times you ask for payment/more money aren’t perfect.

    I still felt slightly uncomfortable during my next commission conversation, but I got through it! This motivated me to continue testing and practicing.

    What matters most is that you learn from your mistakes. Make tweaks to your delivery until you see the results you desire.

    And remember, not everyone will say yes. You will be rejected, but you can turn rejections into useful feedback for the future.

    If possible, ask the people who rejected you what you could have done better. Ask what else you could offer to help them say yes, and take prompt action.

    Celebrate your success.

    If you focus on what you’ve done right, you’ll feel empowered to continue on your road to financial success.

    Share your accomplishments with close friends and family. Treat yourself to your favorite activity to celebrate.

    With the right focus and positive attitude, you’ll see how success builds upon success.

    And remember, the more value you deliver, the more money will be available to you, and the larger impact you will be able to make in the world.

    In the comments section below, tell me what kind of value you deliver to those around you. This is the first step to attract more money into your life so that you can take care of yourself and make a difference in the world.

    Money taboo image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Should Never Force Our Spiritual Beliefs on Other People

    Why We Should Never Force Our Spiritual Beliefs on Other People

    Monk Meditating

    “A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.” ~John Steinbeck

    Around six years ago I started to meditate. I had a spiritual awakening, and life started to look really different.

    I have always been a feeler and reader of emotion, but this was different. It was like I was synchronized with everyone around me, as if everyone else was connected to me in some strange and mysterious way.

    It later turned out to be the case that everyone is connected to me, the same way everyone is connected to you. That we are all made up of the same stuff and really we are just one giant organism connected to the same sphere of consciousness.

    I believe that if you project hate, hate is what you will receive, and if you project love, you will be showered with love.

    This is a strange concept, and one that I am sure many of you think is a little crazy, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and what is a reality to me may not be a reality to you.

    For me to claim my version of reality is the one truth that exists from over seven billion minds on the planet would be pretty egotistical and naïve.

    The fact is science could account for everything, in the same way a higher power could or evolution or the collective consciousness of humanity.

    We could have been put here by a lifeform more intelligent than ourselves, or our planet could indeed be just a cog in a bigger organism that we do not understand. We could be a hologram or a hallucination or something conjured up in the mind of someone or something. The truth is we really do not know!

    But when I had this moment of spiritual enlightenment six years ago, I did know. There was clarity, things made sense, and the world seemed like a better place. I thought that I had stumbled upon secret wisdom and that I was in some way elevated to a deeper level of mind than most other people.

    I knew this was the answer not only to my own problems, but the problems of every man, woman, and child on the planet. The only problem was no one who I knew was sharing my enthusiasm.

    Over the last six years since that first moment of clarity, I have come to realize that when you have a spiritual awakening it is only the start of a journey that has no end. You learn more and more about yourself as the days go by, but with each new answer multiple questions will be asked.

    If I had written about spiritual awakenings six years ago or even one year ago this article would have been very different, and if I write one six years from now, I am sure I will have many more revelations and differences from the opinions I have now.

    When I started out, I was certain that everyone else needed to meditate, that everyone else needed to jump on the spirituality bandwagon. And if you were not into spirituality you were in some way less enlightened than I was. But I now know this was my ego getting in the way.

    Because of this I alienated myself from friends, my behavior became erratic, and it nearly cost me my relationship with my girlfriend. Something that I learned from this experience is: you should never force enlightenment, information, spiritual beliefs, or a way of life on anyone else.

    I wrote this article because after coming to this realization, I noticed that it was not all that uncommon for people just starting out on the spiritual journey and even those who have been living it for a very long time to develop this spiritual snobbery and an aggressive need to inform people who are really not that interested in this way of life.

    The fact is people need to come to their own conclusions in life. No matter how big an opportunity, no matter how easy it is, even if something is so painstakingly obvious, it doesn’t matter. People want to make their own decisions and we have no right to force our way of life upon them.

    One of the main reasons we seek to recruit others when we go through transformation is to seek validation. The spiritual journey is a cosmic experience that can sometimes leave you questioning reality. If you have someone to join you it seems less scary. But you have to embrace the fear and do it anyway!

    The same rings true for a lot of other things—we may want our partners to come and see a show with us even though we know they are not interested, or we may need a buddy to join us at a martial arts class because we do not have the confidence to attend alone.

    However you dress it up, human beings generally crave acceptance and validation of their decisions.

    The truth about spirituality is that while it is one of the most connecting things that you can do, it is also one of the most solitary and individual experiences that you sometimes need to face alone. This is not to say that you should not seek guidance (you should), but a good teacher will lead you, not show you, and every conclusion and realization that you come to should be your own.

    This is why you cannot force your beliefs onto others, because while spirituality is a personal experience for you, it is also a personal experience for others; and if you do convince someone else that it is the right thing for them, they will only be doing it in an attempt to seek your approval.

    The best thing to do is be available to those who want your help and are asking questions. It can be very fulfilling to help someone who is just getting started, but ultimately they will still need to find their own way.

    There are plenty of people and communities where you can connect with those who are on the same path as you are. People who have experienced a spiritual awakening are usually pretty friendly, so don’t be afraid to reach out to others who have common goals and interests as you.

    They will usually (not always) have more of an understanding of what you are going through than your friends and family, so sometimes it is just good to be able to chat with someone whose beliefs are in line with yours.

    To wrap up, the things I have spoken about in this article do not only hold true for spirituality, but also any other journey that goes against the grain. The opposite could be the case; you are not spiritual in nature and are surrounded by people who are deeply spiritual and do not understand you.

    Maybe you have escaped the rat race and found a great business opportunity, which is being met with the same kind of resistance. Or maybe you have found out that you can reverse disease naturally and no one wants to listen to you.

    Whatever it may be, remember the only life you can live is your own; you cannot control anyone else’s destination or path. So get to know those around you, connect with people with common goals, stop seeking approval of others to validate your journey, and get out there and start living!

    Monk meditating image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Ways to Make Pain Work for You

    7 Ways to Make Pain Work for You

    Crying Girl

    “Grief can be the garden of compassion.” ~Rumi

    Have you ever had lower back pain? I once wrenched my back and walked at snail’s pace for weeks, crippled by pain. Lower back pain troubled me for years, until I found an exercise that reliably switches off the pain.

    Have you ever lost a loved one? The anguish can seem unbearable.

    Abolishing pain might seem a good idea, but please pause to consider this story.

    I was once the doctor and scientist on a health “mission” with a major international organization. Our team included a vivacious and intelligent young lady called Sheryl Sandberg (now the Chief Operating Officer of Facebook). One of the diseases in our “portfolio” was leprosy.

    Peripheral nerves of people with leprosy become infected by a germ. The skin supplied by such a nerve becomes anaesthetic. Lack of pain might seem like a blessing, at first glance.

    A leprosy patient with an anaesthetic hand can, unfortunately, hold their hand in a flame. They keep injuring themselves unknowingly, gradually eroding their fingers, feet, and eyes.

    It can be worse: there’s a Swedish province where some people feel no pain anywhere. That condition is inherited. People suffer severe deformities because they unknowingly twist and batter their own joints in the course of daily life.

    Physical pain is often protective. A lack of physical pain can be a curse.

    I was once playing hockey when I tripped and fell on an arm. I continued to play, with little pain, thanks to the endorphins (natural opioids) from vigorous exercise; but after the game the pain became excruciating. My mother took me to our doctor, who found a broken collarbone.

    Let’s come to emotional pain.

    I followed Sheryl’s progress with interest. She got married, but then the marriage ended.

    She got a position in the White House, but then the presidential term ended. She got a position in Google, but then felt in need of a move. She got a position in Facebook, and finally seemed to be on top of the world: with a happy second marriage, wonderful children, and a thriving career.

    Then she lost her husband suddenly in a freak holiday accident, while he was exercising.

    Having suddenly lost my father some years earlier, I can somewhat understand the gut-wrenching anguish of such bereavement. Sheryl, however, movingly transcended her grief as she vowed to “kick the hell out of option B” (having lost “option A”) and still make a great life for her children.

    You can feel deep emotional pain even without bereavement, especially if you have depression or anxiety. Could such pain ever be a useful part of life?

    It helps to understand the science of pain. When you touch an open flame, your hand automatically springs back, thanks to protective reflexes at the spinal level. When pain is persistent, at least four levels in your brain process the pain.

    One part of your brain (your somato-sensory cortex) receives the news about the pain.

    A second part (your anterior insula) assesses how severe this pain is: merely unpleasant or mild or agonizing etc.

    A third part (your anterior cingulate cortex) clothes this pain in emotional garments: such as feelings of anger, frustration etc.

    A fourth part of your brain (your prefrontal cortex) prompts thoughts and action.

    Pain, therefore, is a combination of what happens to us and how we respond.

    How can you make pain less oppressive?

    1. Observe.

    I once dropped a heavy stool with sharp edges on my foot. I decided, in that instant, to calmly observe the ensuing sensations. The excruciating initial pain rapidly gave way to a burning sensation, which was somewhat bearable.

    Calm observation of your body can make even emotional pain somewhat bearable. The more calmly you observe your bodily sensations while feeling sad or anxious, the less you dwell on your emotional turmoil.

    Music-making and other creative activities can help you stay calm in the face of suffering.

    2. Seek help.

    Physical pain can be your body’s way of protecting you. However, persistent pain requires attention.

    My pain after the hockey injury drove me to seek medical attention. My lower back pain drove me to seek an exercise that works.

    My father, on his deathbed, wanted merely to be more comfortable, to hug his family, and to have a sip of tea to help him cope with the many medical tubes invading his face. On a deathbed, pain control can transform life.

    If you have a chronic painful condition, sympathetic professional help can often control the pain.

    Emotional pain can sometimes seem overwhelming. If sadness threatens to drown you, seek help without delay. Let friends and family know, get professional help, allow yourself a medically prescribed life-jacket.

    Healing always takes time, whether your wounds are physical or emotional. Compassionate people and professional help can keep you afloat, gifting you time to heal yourself.

    3. Learn from others.

    No matter how bad things seem, the experiences of others can be reassuring. Thousands have come through suffering as severe as yours, or worse. Besides, your vulnerability can attract compassion.

    Make sure you reach out to others for help. It can be enough to say “I’m hurting, please help me.” People can be surprisingly compassionate, as I discovered once when forced to use crutches.

    What has helped many others could well help you. Take courage, and hold on to hope.

    4. Give it meaning.

    I know of one person with leprosy whose leg needed to be amputated because he burnt himself severely by soaking a leg in unexpectedly hot water. It’s relatively easy to see protective pain as a gift.

    How can you give emotional pain a positive meaning?

    Emotional pain, too, can stop you from brutalizing yourself. When a boss repeatedly treats you unfairly, or someone repeatedly treats you with hostility or betrayal or abandonment, you know when enough is enough. However, when you turn against yourself, you can feel trapped.

    If you fail to give emotional pain a positive meaning, you might start to feel bad about feeling bad. Bit by bit, self-loathing can gain a foothold.

    Instead of judging yourself for feeling bad, try visualizing your suffering as a pointer towards a new life. It may take time to learn and grow, so it’s helpful to hear stories of success. After every setback, believe that you, too, can “kick the hell out of option B.”

    5. Unlock the best in you.

    Pain, suffering, and death are inescapable. Our own suffering encourages us to become more compassionate, to treat others who suffer as if they were our own loved ones. Our suffering can be a key that unlocks our compassion.

    There are too many examples of hatred in the world, of violence, cruelty, and contempt for human beings. The world has witnessed great tussles between good and evil, as happened during World War 2. The willingness of people then, to suffer or even die for a just cause, helped civilization to survive.

    When we’re moved by the misfortunes of others, and respond generously, we gradually replace a civilization of hatred with a civilization of love. This can happen within our family, our community, our town, our country and our world.

    Sheryl has a platform as a senior executive in a major corporation, which she uses to campaign for better opportunities for women. Bill Gates has turned his billions to good use, by driving a number of important health and education initiatives. We might have less influential positions, but we’re just as capable of compassionate action right where we are.

    6. Persevere.

    My late mother-in-law was incapacitated by severe rheumatoid arthritis, which kept her in frequent pain. Her response was to do as much as she could, treat everyone with compassion, and look for the best in every situation.

    Her example of maturity, endurance, and spiritual greatness—in the face of suffering—remains an inspiration to me.

    7. Grow confident.

    Pain, suffering, and death are unavoidable. They can be especially cruel if you treat them as masters. Try taming pain by interpreting it as an ally, an educator, and an invitation to grow into your most compassionate self.

    Endurance of suffering builds character and character produces hope: the confidence that nothing in life will get the better of you, nothing will rob you of your human dignity. Instead, your endurance of suffering can gift you with the confidence to cope with any challenge.

    —

    Live courageously and suffering might bend you, but won’t break you. Instead, you might well become a compassionate inspiration to others, just as my late mother-in-law is to me.

    In your darkest hour, believe that your suffering is helping to replace a civilization of hate with a civilization of compassionate love. Then, no matter how painful your predicament, your horizon will remain luminous.

    What are your own experiences and insights about pain and suffering?

    Crying girl image via Shutterstock

  • How to Be Happier Without Making Any Big Life Changes

    How to Be Happier Without Making Any Big Life Changes

    “The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

    In 2014 I changed my whole life.

    I quit a horrible job, traveled to Costa Rica and Panama, moved across the country, moved in with my partner, and landed my dream job in an education charity.

    Why did I change so much? The answer is simple—happiness.

    I had spent three years planning and dreaming of a different future for myself. One where I could travel, have a job I found meaningful, and live with my boyfriend in our own flat. Finally, after one morning too many spent in tears, I built up the courage to quit my job.

    I spent the next few months riding on a wave of relief. Everything was going to be all right. I was going to be happy and in love with my life.

    The problem was, this didn’t happen.

    It soon became clear that I wasn’t experiencing the blissful future that I’d dreamed of. I ended up feeling even worse than I had felt before I changed anything. A sense of dread and helplessness crept over me as I realized that changing your life situation doesn’t automatically make you happier.

    There was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

    After a month or two of trying to pull myself out of a depression by making plans for a long off future, I started reading what I could about life and happiness. I went back to books I’d started but hadn’t finished and reread old favorites.

    As I read and reread these books, I started to notice a pattern. At the heart of all the arguments and instructions in those books were the same two ideas:

    1. Be aware of your thoughts so your mind can’t control you.

    Learning how to be aware of thoughts rather than letting your mind control you seems to be essential to experiencing lasting happiness. Meditating every day, even just for ten or fifteen minutes, makes it easier to be aware of your thoughts and to learn how to quiet your mind.

    For me, being aware of my thoughts has made me more intentional about how I think about things. I now try to look at my life positively and search for solutions to issues rather than worrying about problems that might not even happen.

    Being in the present moment also takes the power away from your mind. In the present moment there’s no past to regret and no future to worry about, so you are naturally happier. Though keeping your attention in the present is hard to sustain, it’s simple to try.

    Give it a go by focusing what you can see around you right now. What sounds can you hear? What can you smell? What can your body feel? Don’t answer these questions in words, just move your attention to your different senses and acknowledge what they notice.

    I’ve now made being aware of my thoughts a daily practice. Instead of reading the news on my phone, I dedicate my ninety-minute commute to meditation and being present.

    As I walk to the train station I listen to the birds singing and hear the wind rustling in the trees. On the train I meditate for fifteen minutes before reading a book for the rest of the journey.

    How could you incorporate meditation and being present into your daily routine?

    *Recommended Reading: The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle

    2. Fill your life with things you enjoy now.

    This step is more straightforward. There’s an easy process you can follow to complete it. First, you need to write a list of all the times you’ve felt truly, deeply happy. What were you doing? Who were you with? Are there any common themes?

    After you identify the common themes that brought you so much joy, fill as much of your day-to-day life with them as possible!

    Could you take a walk in nature on your lunch break? Or could you listen to your favorite type of music while cooking dinner? Perhaps you could swap TV time for working on a creative project like crafting, drawing, or writing?

    I realized that some of my happiest moments happened outdoors when I was surrounded by nature. So now I’m trying to spend most of my free time outside, inviting friends and family along too so I can spend time with them. I’ve noticed that I’m so much more relaxed and I really look forward to my weekend’s adventures!

    Now it’s your turn! What changes can you make to fill your life with joy?

    *Recommended Reading: Finding Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck

    Making these little changes doesn’t mean that you can’t make a big change in your life. They will just help you to be happier in the process and put less pressure on the end result.

    Enjoy the journey along the rainbow and it won’t matter so much how much gold is at the end.

  • 5 Simple Practices for a Healthier, Happier Life

    5 Simple Practices for a Healthier, Happier Life

    Happy Woman

    “To ensure good health: eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.” ~William Londen

    Who doesn’t want to be healthier and happier?

    Too often we focus on one and not the other and wonder why we achieve neither. We neglect to realize that health and happiness often go hand in hand.

    I spent my teens trying to lose weight because I thought being skinny was the key to happiness.

    I spent my twenties ignoring my health, abusing my body, and looking for happiness in superficial relationships and my status at work. And I got sick.

    In my thirties, I searched for inner harmony through spiritual practices, but I hid my emotions by overeating.

    Finally in my forties, I’ve realized that health and happiness aren’t so complicated, but they don’t come from one aspect of our lives. Not from your dream job, your ideal weight, or even the perfect relationship.

    Each of these fulfills one aspect—physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. Neglect one and you create a void.  And fixate on another, like your physical health, and you’ll end up imbalanced too.

    Obsessing over weight loss, I neglected my emotional and spiritual voids that caused overeating. When I was consumed with my status at work, I neglected my physical health. Now, I pay attention to all sides with a few simple lifestyle choices. 

    You can achieve a healthier and happier life without feeling overwhelmed. The following five steps will help you along your path.

    1. Eat lightly.

    So you’re thinking, what does it mean to eat lightly? It sounds terrible and impossible, right?

    I used to think so. Until I tried.

    Learning that yoga has a philosophy of eating, based on how foods impact our minds, changed my life.

    Sattvic foods cultivate mental clarity, luminosity, and lightness of spirit. Tamasic foods and overeating create a dull, heavy mind. And rajasic foods make us agitated, hyperactive, and anxious.

    Sattvic foods include seasonal fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and ethically sourced animal products. Eat these, and you won’t feel heavy or dull. Minimize processed, stale, and old food that is tamasic and leave you feeling lethargic and muddled. Use rajasic foods with caution—when you need a perk, have a coffee, a bit of sweet, or spice.

    And eat mindfully by digging a little deeper. Are you really hungry? Are you filling an emotional void? Or maybe just procrastinating? Eat before you’re hungry, and you’ll never know when you’re full.

    Learn to eat lightly for mental clarity and physical health, and you’ll feel better than you thought possible.

    2. Breathe deeply.

    The breath is your gateway to a calm, clear mind.

    Deep breathing creates physical and mental space, strengthens your immune system, and decreases inflammation. I’ve witnessed hundreds of yoga students experience diminished pain, better sleep, and less anxiety thanks to simple breathing exercises.

    A veteran student refused his cortisone injections because the deep breathing and simple chair yoga helped him more. His case worker reported, “I was seriously blown away because he’s been a constant challenge due to his pain. He’s one of those cases where you wonder how to help such a severe case of chronic pain…and then there was yoga!”

    Experience the benefits of deep breathing for yourself with the following simple practices:

    • Lie on your back with bent knees and your feet planted on the floor, hip-width apart. Put a heavy book on your abdomen between the bottom of your rib cage and your belly button. Inhale, and raise the book toward the ceiling. As you exhale, relax your abdomen. Repeat this twenty times.
    • Sit upright on the floor or in a chair.Place your hands on the sides of your ribs, and move your ribs into your hands. Keep the area between your ribs relaxed. Imagine that your lungs inflate like balloons as you inhale, and then deflate as you exhale. Now exhale for double the count of your inhale. If you inhale for four, exhale for eight.

    Practice a few times a week, and create a relaxed, deep pattern of breathing and a calmer mind.

    3. Live moderately.

    Can you distinguish the difference between needs and desires? We need basics such as food, shelter, and transportation. But we desire expensive clothes and fancy cars.

    Satisfying desires doesn’t make you happy, and more possessions create more work. Because the more books, clothes, gadgets, and cars that you have, the more you have to worry about. People in your life bring you more love than possessions.

    Recently, I felt like I was drowning in my clutter. I delved through all my clothes. If I hadn’t worn something in a year and also didn’t love wearing it, goodbye. I gave clothes to friends, and the rest went to Goodwill. Same process with books. Releasing possessions decluttered my mind and home.

    Each day you’re presented with a myriad of choices. Do you eat out or cook at home? Do you buy the new style of yoga pants?

    Find the sweet spot where you have enough to satisfy your basic needs but you’re not over-consuming to satisfy desires. Your body needs nutritious, non-fancy food. Sure, it’s a treat to dine with friends at your favorite restaurant sometimes. But dining out frequently isn’t a need; it’s a desire.

    Your body needs some daily movement for health. But does it need an extreme workout? And is this something you’ll maintain?

    Moderation might not be as sexy as extremes, but it’s better for your long-term health.

    4. Cultivate cheerfulness.

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Viktor E. Frankl

    Frankl was imprisoned in the WWII concentration camps of Nazi Germany where most of his family perished. In the midst of his suffering, he realized that his captors couldn’t take away his power of self-awareness. He could decide within himself how his experience would affect him.

    Frankl spent his time rewriting his last psychology book in his head and on scraps of paper. Through his mental, emotional, and moral disciplines, he slowly gained his own internal freedom from his captors. He lived to become famous for his work on our power of choice based on self-awareness.

    The process of cultivating cheerfulness through self-awareness is a key to happiness. Self-awareness is finding your permanent self beyond your emotions, fears, thoughts, and physical body.

    You’re born with inner joy. For many reasons, you lose this state as you mature. You can’t necessarily change what happens to you, but you can change how you respond. Your power lies in your response to your own thoughts and external negativities.

    Do you believe your critical thoughts? Learn to notice them, examine their truth, and challenge rather than believe them.

    For example, like you, I juggle lots of responsibilities. Yesterday, I realized I hadn’t organized a fundraiser, so my first thought was, “You’re behind. Why are you so forgetful and selfish?” Then I examined the thought, “Well, I took care of my son all afternoon, and I had no time to do anything else. Mommy duty wasn’t selfish.”

    See the choice? My final response was self-compassion, different from my initial judgmental thought.

    Allow yourself space to respond rather than react. Over time, you’ll develop the power to separate your true self from your thoughts and emotions. And then you’ll feel happier.

    5. Maintain an interest in life.

    Keep your mind and spirit healthy by pursuing your passions. What makes you happiest and peaks your interest? Is it supporting a cause, supporting your family, your profession, or time in nature? Get clear on what’s important, and make it a priority.

    And being a lifelong student will keep your brain healthy. Our minds are like muscles, and the more we use them, the stronger they get. People who learn more tend to be healthier and happier.

    One of the miracles of the Internet is the wealth of information at our fingertips for little or no cost. Over the years, I’ve taken food photography, writing, marketing, and habit-changing courses.

    Think about the things you’ve always wanted to know more about, create a list, and look for courses and books. Many universities such as Harvard, Stanford, and MIT offer free online courses. Or if you go the non-traditional route, you can find incredible Internet courses on meditation, writing, marketing, psychology, and design all at your fingertips.

    Keep your life interesting by following your passions, even as hobbies, and you’ll feel happier.

    The Power of Simplicity

    Feeling healthier and happier isn’t as complicated or elusive as you think.

    Eating vegetables and fruits doesn’t seem sexy, but when you eat well, you’ll feel great and glow from the inside out.

    Simple breathing exercises might not seem as heroic as acrobatic yoga postures, but they’re a more direct route to your inner happiness.

    Buying less is certainly not always appealing, but less chaos and clutter certainly will promote clarity.

    So stop procrastinating and doubting, and take the first step!

    You won’t believe how far these simple steps will take you toward your health and happiness.

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Beliefs That Hurt Your Relationships (And How to Let Them Go)

    5 Beliefs That Hurt Your Relationships (And How to Let Them Go)

    Couple with Arms Raised

    “Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy.” ~Tony Robbins

    “I’m not great at relationships.” This is something I used to say all the time, to others and myself.

    I’d had quite a few unhealthy friendships that ended in dramatic showdowns when our combined issues proved toxic.

    My romantic relationships weren’t any less volatile—largely because my deep-seated shame affected the type of men I attracted and compromised my ability to be there, with and for others.

    But even after making significant progress with my insecurities and working through some painful experiences from my past, I realized I still felt terrified of somehow messing up relationships.

    As much as I wanted to believe the future could be different from the past—that I could be different—I couldn’t let go of that one sentence: I’m not great at relationships.

    I had to challenge my beliefs about myself, and I also needed to recognize and unload my subconscious self-judgment. Because when I said, “I’m not great at relationships,” I wasn’t making an objective observation. The unspoken ending to that sentence reads, “…and it’s because I’m lacking as a person.”

    I needed to believe I was worthy of healthy connections, and capable of forming and sustaining them, even if I’d struggled in the past. Otherwise, I’d never allow myself to let my guard down, let others in, and then, freed from the burden of my own defenses, show up fully for them.

    Over the years, I’ve identified countless limiting beliefs like these, and I’ve seen tremendous improvements in my relationships by releasing their grip on me.

    We all have beliefs like this, and they can compromise our ability to show up for the people we love if we don’t acknowledge them and proactively work to let them go. Perhaps you’ll recognize some of these tendencies and beliefs in yourself:

    1. COMPARISONS: If someone appears to be doing better than me in some area of their life, that means I’m less than—and I have to catch up to prove that I’m worthy.

    We all want to feel happy for the people we love, and we want them to feel happy for us when we’re doing well. This can be challenging, though, if we allow comparisons to convince us we’re somehow behind and therefore inferior or inadequate.

    The solution? Work on nurturing a sense of self-worth that has nothing to do with what we achieve. Every last one of us will experience highs and lows on our journey. Sometimes we’ll thrive when friends struggle, and vice versa, and sometimes we’ll thrive at the same time.

    If we can work at valuing our efforts and ourselves regardless of the outcome, we’ll be better prepared for the inevitable lows, less attached to the highs, and more supportive of our loved ones—regardless of where they are in their journey.

    2. SCORE KEEPING: If I don’t get exactly what I give, someone is devaluing and disrespecting me, so things always need to be even.

    Nothing suffocates a relationship like keeping score. It communicates to the other person, “I suspect you’ll cheat me if I don’t keep track and remind you when you’ve fallen short.”

    I’m not suggesting we give and give without regard for receiving. The key is to create an atmosphere of caring and generosity by giving without always expecting reciprocation, and then trusting that you’ll receive that same courtesy.

    It’s about creating a team mindset and recognizing that we all have different strengths, and we all give in different ways.

    I may do more laundry than my fiancé, but he’s an excellent cook. We each contribute in our own way, in all aspects of our relationship. (Keep in mind this isn’t always the case. If you always give and never receive—despite communicating your wants and needs—you may want to rethink that relationship.)

    3. ASSUMPTIONS: I know why people do the things they do, and they often have selfish or hurtful intentions.

    Formerly, I assumed the worst of everyone. If someone hurt me, they meant to. If someone did something I didn’t understand, they were selfish and thoughtless. Primed as I was with these cynical beliefs, I frequently brought out the worst in people.

    That’s often what happens when you guard yourself with these kinds of assumptions; people guard themselves in return, and seem to confirm your fears.

    The truth is we can never know why other people do the things they do unless we ask—and then trust the answer. More often than not, people are doing their best, just like we are, and would never intentionally hurt us.

    Stephen Covey wrote, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” If we assumed that other people have positive intentions, we’d all judge each other a lot less, and feel better about each other, and ourselves, as a result.

    4. EXPECTATIONS: If someone doesn’t meet my expectations, that means they don’t care or value me, or intended to hurt me.

    It happens all the time: We expect a certain outcome, or response, and then we feel disappointed and disrespected when things don’t go according to plan.

    Things rarely, if ever, go to plan. Even when we communicate our wants and needs, it’s entirely possible that someone else may fall short—because they’re imperfect, just like us, and dealing with their own challenges.

    I’m not suggesting we don’t expect anything of anyone, but rather that we try our best to recognize and appreciate what people do “right” instead of maintaining a list of all the things we think they’ve done “wrong.”

    Think back to when you were young. What would have motivated and empowered you more: being praised for your efforts, or being chastised for your shortcomings? The same holds true in adult relationships.

    5. BITTERNESS: I can’t let go of what hurt me because that would be letting that person off the hook.

    For years when I was younger I tried to maintain a relationship with someone while holding on to anger and bitterness. As a result, I unknowingly made this person “pay” for their lack of compassion in the past by treating them without compassion in the present.

    Not only was I not “being the change I wished to see,” as Gandhi recommended, I was losing self-respect by becoming the very thing I’d condemned.

    Eventually, I realized I needed to make a choice: I could let go and recreate the relationship anew, or let go and move on—but it was no longer an option to hold on to both the person and my bitterness.

    I chose the former, aided by the belief that hurt people, hurt people—and conversely, healed people, heal people.

    Forgiveness may be “letting someone off the hook,” but that doesn’t mean we deserved whatever happened, or that it was okay. It simply means we’ve accepted it, and chosen to grow through it.

    Nothing could be healthier for our relationships, with others and with ourselves.

    —

    Obviously, this is all a lot easier to neatly summarize in a list than it is to regularly apply. But we don’t need to tackle all of these beliefs all at once. We just need to try our best, each day, to recognize when we’re getting caught up in one of these limiting beliefs.

    Even the tiniest bit of progress can make a huge difference, so give yourself credit for every small shift you make and then watch as they all add up.

    This article first appeared in Best Self Magazine, the digital magazine for the next generation of seekers and doers. Couple silhouette via Shutterstock.