Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • Stop Trying to Fix Yourself and Start Enjoying Your Life

    Stop Trying to Fix Yourself and Start Enjoying Your Life

    Enjoy

    “You think that the goal is to be over there, and we say the goal is the journey over there; the goal is the fun you have along the way on your way to over there.” ~Abraham

    I have a clear memory of my mother looking at my bookshelves several years ago and commenting, “You’re always reading all these self-help books, and where has it gotten you?”

    I responded with a quip about how I’ll always be working to align my personality with my soul, to which she scoffed and said, “When will you grow up and realize you have a great life, a great job, and great friends—and just enjoy it?!”

    Of course, all I heard was “When are you going to grow up?” Her point, however, was a wise one: Just enjoy your life. She made a similar comment a couple of years later.

    I had just been told the place I was living was going to be turned into an art studio for my landlady. Thankfully, she gave me two months notice to find a new place. But man, I loved my cinder block house on the river and was crushed by the news.

    I called my mom in tears. I complained about how I’d never find someplace else so wonderful and how unhappy things were with my job. I talked about wanting to just sell everything I owned and take a walkabout.

    Mom didn’t say a lot at the time. However, when I got up the next morning I had a long email from her. My favorite paragraph is this one:

    Shannon, you should stop buying all that self-help crap and going off to retreats to find yourself. You are not perfect, never will be, and no one in the world is either. You make mistakes; we all do. Just live with it. You are a warm, intelligent woman—just live the best honest life you can.

    All of my self-help books and years of spiritual study, and my mom nailed it in one simple paragraph. Granted, her delivery could use some work, but the essence of what she wrote was right on. Again.

    I will, of course, continue to read personal development books and go on personal retreats. However, I no longer do those things because I think something was wrong with me. Now, I do them because I love myself.

    However, I think the best message here is to just live the best honest life we can and let that be enough.

    For the majority of my life, I’ve spent massive amounts of time beating up on myself. My inner critic is a loud and obnoxious voice that has seemed unstoppable. My biggest judgment of myself has been how I tend to “slumber” and “awaken” in my consciousness.

    For example, when I was on a personal retreat in the mountains this summer, I was really feeling inspired, in the flow, and motivated to become a successful writer and speaker. I was excited about this new life I am creating and about feeling fully conscious again. I was sure I was going to maintain my awareness.

    Then I came down off the mountain. Once back to the routine of my everyday life, I easily slipped back into distraction. I stopped meditating every day. I played computer games instead of writing. I vegged out to my favorite show on Netflix.

    Once again, my inner critic rose up and I started to get really down on myself. It’s ironic that what inspired me to get out of my funk was my own voice recording from when I had been on retreat. Listening to it, I was reminded that slumbering and awakening are just a part of life.

    I heard myself say, “When we do stumble, when we do fall, when we are capsized, we learn to have compassion and simply laugh at our humanness.”

    I’ve realized it’s so easy for me to get caught up in this idea that I need to be perfect. If I only drink enough green smoothies, go to yoga class, and chant an hour each day, then I can be happy. However, the minute I skip some part of this self-imposed regimen, I beat myself up and feel like a total failure.

    Life is about slumbering and awakening. It’s about falling off the wagon, the exercise routine, the diet, the spiritual practice. Anyone who appears to always be perfectly aligned is most likely not being fully authentic. We are human, and this is what being human means.

    My dear mother, at age eighty-three, has got this message without having read or studied any of the numerous discourses on this subject. She just enjoys her life.

    At the end of the day, what is most important is how we answer the question: Were we kind to one another? And, equally important, were we kind to ourselves?

    People jumping image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Healthy Ways to Shed Layers of Emotional Pain

    6 Healthy Ways to Shed Layers of Emotional Pain

    Shedding Layers

    “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anais Nin

    Do you remember a time when you wanted to crawl under the bed and stay forever?

    Perhaps you’d been dealing with chronic pain and anxiety, had recently experienced divorce or the loss of a loved one, maybe even lost a job or two. I had experienced all of these things in just a few short years, and, judging by the loud knocking as I hid, was about to have my car repossessed, too.

    I called my dad and told him I was a bit depressed. “Don’t be,” he counseled.

    “Don’t be?” I repeated. “Oh, okay, I’m fine then.”

    “Yep, like that.”

    This way of dealing with the painful feelings, of ignoring and burying them as we force ourselves ever onward, is often expected of us.

    It’s natural—scary things happen to us in life. We fall down unexpectedly, we fight, we fail, we are betrayed, abandoned, overwhelmed by loss. The subconscious starts enfolding us in protective layers when we need them so that we can move forward with life.

    But what happens when we don’t let go once the need has passed?

    Believe it or not, emotions, especially those that needed to be dealt with long ago, can become toxic little bombs tucked secretly inside our muscles, our organs, running through our blood. According to Caroline Myss, “Our biography becomes our biology.”

    These emotional layers can build up as extra weight, angry outbursts that seem to come from nowhere, aches and pains, unhealthy habits, an itchy feeling that something isn’t right, depression, anxiety, perhaps even disease.

    At first, my layers were mostly hidden from the world. The evidence of a tumultuous childhood showed up only when I was pushed too far by something little but snapped with the resentment of a hundred years, the times when I backed down easily instead of standing my ground, the nights when I had that extra drink to ease social anxiety. Let’s call this the invisible, sneaky layer of plastic wrap.

    Then came the thicker materials: burlap, leather, drywall, the hair shirt, the ironclad ball and chain around the ankle. Leather made me look tougher as I moved to Texas to hide from my parents’ divorce. But moving did not help and neither did the armor.

    My steps through life grew heavier, depressed. My body grew heavier, too. I jokingly called it my “layer of pizza” resulting from a car accident at age twenty-three: chronic back pain and herniated discs with no relief in sight. The chocolate was a great listener; the cheesy bread totally got it.

    When my dad passed away suddenly, just hours after we’d been laughing on the phone together, my anxiety was so high, my wall built up so tall, that I could not leave the house without medication.

    I coped with Netflix marathons, hiding from the world and hoping that life would just gently go away, leave me alone, let me pretend to be a character in someone else’s story.

    To the world, I looked unscathed, but the layer of pain remained ever-present. If I had to add another layer, I felt I would never move again.

    I heard an urgent whisper, “Let go, let go, let go…”

    Desperate, I decided to try “that crazy yoga stuff.” And that’s when I learned how to acknowledge the layers, let the tears melt them away, and send them on their happy way to help those who needed them more.

    A layer or two of “pizza,” the medication, the unexplained and unidentifiable sadness, started disappearing. Lighter, I discovered a little more self, a gleam of joy, a dream or two remembered.

    I will not lie to you—the rainbows and unicorns come after the hard work. First, you must face the emotion that was so terrible, you instead let the layer of scales and fangs grow in. But when that unicorn comes galloping down the rainbow to gently peel the scales away forever, well, that’s worth it, my friend.

    There is no telling how many times we need to go through this process. Once we’ve sorted through and let go of all the “stuff,” life is still happening, constantly changing no matter how tightly we are gripping. We must always re-evaluate: What am I clinging to? What layers are holding me back?

    Practices to Shed Layers of Old Feelings

    1. Journal.

    What emotions or habits might be holding you back? Without the pressure of forcing yourself to give anything up immediately, simply allow yourself to imagine what your life could look like if you did let go of negativity. How does your ideal self look and feel while realizing your wildest goals?

    For me, journaling was really tough at first. Sometimes I would just make lists to get ideas flowing. Some of my entries started, “Today sucked. I feel bad.” Oooh, award winning. But as the words flowed, the emotions would sneak out, begging to be named: “but yesterday, my boss said…and it reminded me of dad and I miss him…” OH. There it is.

    2. Meditate.

    When I first meditated, I set a three-minute timer at my desk at work during my lunch break. Now it has grown into my favorite twenty minutes of the day. The small action of stopping to check in with yourself, even for a moment or two, can be a very powerful key into learning more and letting go.

    3. Find a healing practice for yourself.

    Whether it’s a local yoga class, massages, regular exercise like running, a Reiki treatment, a day at the spa, or even a virtual course on chakras, intuition, or any type of self-healing, setting aside time for self-care melts the layers by adding a little more love and self-respect, leaving less room for the doubt and worry. Combine a few of those in the same week and see how you feel!

    My favorite go-to practice is taking a bath with essential oils, candles, and soothing music when I need to re-charge. If I’m short on time, a simple ten-minute foot soak in the tub, with salts and some lavender, works just as well.

    4. Take a break from the media.

    I know, it’s unthinkable. What if we miss everything? As if the expectations of others weighed with our own grief weren’t enough to navigate, now social media adds a new layer of hurt, comparison, and confusion. Just when you think you’re over it, you can be “blocked” or stalked or publicly assailed. It’s even more in our face, so to speak.

    When I had a hurtful disagreement with a friend, I decided to take a month away from Facebook to heal. It really helped. I also step away when I notice I’m starting to compare my life with the glossy “this is who I want you to see me as” photos of others. And guess what? I still have friends when I return every time, in addition to a fresh perspective and better feelings about myself.

    Real friends will still be there. It can even be as simple as a time limit. You can do it.

    5. Read uplifting books.

    You can choose self-study through gorgeous spiritual books, like Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, or Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.

    Choose books that lift your spirit and open your mind, especially those that instruct on letting go and being present. This was a game-changer for me; I could feel layers just floating away from the soothing advice of those who’ve been there, too.

    6. Laugh.

    When you laugh until you cry, no doubt a layer is disappearing. Releasing emotions doesn’t always have to be hard work. Play can offer the relief we need, too. So can dancing in your living room to Enrique Iglesias or to your guilty pleasure, flail like no one’s watching jam.

    —

    So why bother with peeling back the layers?

    Our layers have layers, born of layers that were layered over layers. This work is like unwrapping a mummy, and as you go deeper, you learn things you never could have imagined. You may even see some scary stuff you weren’t expecting. Better out than in, though, right?

    And guess what’s hiding underneath? The truest, most lovely version of yourself waiting to blossom and shine.

    Shedding layers image via Shutterstock

  • Why Stress and Pressure Can Actually Be Good for Us

    Why Stress and Pressure Can Actually Be Good for Us

    Stressed

    “A diamond doesn’t start out polished and shining. It once was nothing special, but with enough pressure and time, becomes spectacular.” ~Solange Nicole

    It’s one of the last days of summer, and I wake up to my mother screaming.

    I’m ten, and I pull off the covers and sneak to my door. Opening it slowly, I peek out and look down the stairs.

    Men have stormed into our house. Ignoring my mom, they head into the living room, pick up the sofa, and throw it out on the lawn. They do the same with the dinner table and the rest of our furniture. But they’re not thieves; they’re not here to rob us.

    They’re here to evict us.

    There was no notice mailed to inform us that they’d be coming, no note plastered on the door.

    Our first notice was the ding dong of the evictors ringing the doorbell.

    As a kid, I had no idea what to do. The amount of stress was overwhelming. I didn’t cry. I just sat down on the stairs, held my knees to my chest, and watched, numb.

    All our rent had been paid on time, but the landlord pocketed the cash instead of paying the mortgage. We spent the next six months homeless, living in a motel.

    It was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

    It took me twenty years to realize it, and when I did, I grieved. I had forgotten about it for a long time, but when I remembered the details and how the eviction had shaped me, the tears came.

    When you’re evicted like that as a kid, it changes you in a funny way. It creates a lot of stress, and a lot of fear.

    For a long time I lived in fear that people might come in at any moment and take everything from me… but I didn’t know it. I just stopped trying at a lot of things.

    Teachers at school would tell my mom I needed to “apply myself.” I didn’t work toward much; why bother when all your progress might be snatched up the next day?

    Fear can hold us back without us realizing it. We might not call it fear, but maybe we say we’re “tense,” “feeling nervous,” or “stressed.” They’re often the same thing. It’s just a shadow hanging behind us, following us through life.

    But what if it doesn’t have to?

    When we were evicted, I didn’t know what to do and sat on the stairs. I froze.

    But what about my mom? The source of the stress was the same for both of us, so did it make her sit down and give up?

    After the initial shock, my mother went to work. She was a single mom taking care of her brain-injured brother and me. She had no time for a breakdown.

    She picked up the phone and called friends and relatives for help. Out on the lawn she boxed up what she could and organized what we needed to get through the next few months in our motel room. Movers came and took the rest into storage.

    The stress and fear my mother felt didn’t paralyze her. It motivated her to action.

    The Power of Stress

    For a long, long time after, I avoided stress as much as I could. I avoided it through school, and in college always took light class loads so I would never feel any pressure.

    Like those movers had done to us, I evicted my stress.

    But my life, empty of stress, was also empty of meaning. The two go hand in hand. If you want to life a meaningful life, stress is going to come with it.

    We only feel stress toward the things we care about. As Dr. Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist at Stanford, says, “Stress only arises when something we care about is at stake.”

    In college, living a stress-free life, I started to feel worthless. For six months, I hated myself.

    Whenever I had class, I rode a train to and from campus. The train tempted me. All I had to do was step in front of it. Easy.

    I held myself back, and I don’t really know why. The self-destructive feelings didn’t go away until I started putting myself under pressure. For me, it was writing. At the time I wanted to be a novelist, but wasn’t writing.

    Starting to write put pressure on me. That gave me stress I needed. The depression lifted, and I started feeling happy again.

    Give Your Stress a Home

    Stress and fear are often the same response, and we can’t truly get rid of them (as much as we might like to). Being human, they’re always going to be there.

    Being evicted was one of the best things to happen to me, even if I didn’t realize it for years.

    On one level, living in a motel room for six months brought us closer as a family.

    But on the other, it taught me how to work with my stress and fear (even if it took twenty years to learn it). It taught me to give my stress and fear a home.

    We can run from our stress and fear all we want. It’ll chase after us, never letting us escape.

    We don’t break free by getting away. We break free by turning around and seeing the stress and fear for what they really are.

    They’re not there to hold you back; they’re there to point the way you have to grow.

    I started looking at my stress and fear differently. Whenever I felt anxiety, stressed, or afraid, instead of seeing those feelings as warning signs to run away, I saw them as signs pointing me in the direction I needed to go to grow as a person.

    Become like Diamond

    Diamonds are one of the hardest materials we know of. They don’t get that way by sitting out in the sun.

    Diamonds are formed under intense heat and thousands of pounds of pressure.

    Your diamond self is waiting for you. Your stress, your fears, they don’t stand between you and what you want. As uncomfortable as they may feel, they’re the lanterns lighting your path.

    You don’t have to leap down that road; you don’t even have to take a running start. You just have to start walking that path, one small step at a time.

    Stressed woman image via Shutterstock

  • What’s Really Going on When Someone Seems “Too Sensitive”

    What’s Really Going on When Someone Seems “Too Sensitive”

    Crying Eyes

    “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ~Cynthia Occelli

    The whole time I was growing up, I was told, incessantly, that I was “too sensitive.” These words, when I first heard them, came from the mouth of the person I vowed I would never become.

    And yet, as I grew up, these words didn’t stay within the darkness of my childhood home. They began to roll out of the mouths of kids on the playground, boyfriends, classmates, friends.

    “Wow, you’re really touchy.”

    “You’re so emotional.”

    “You’re turning really red. Are you, like, really offended right now? You should take a chill pill.”

    “You can’t take a joke.”

    Often, my reaction was to a joke—an insulting one. I’ve never liked insult humor, and yet it’s followed me throughout my life. It was (and still is) there in my Eastern European origins, and it was there every step of the way when I came to Canada as an immigrant.

    They were right. I just couldn’t take a joke.

    Each time this would happen, I would own it. Yes, I was too sensitive. It was my fault. I had to try to hide it better. I came up with all these tactics to hide my volatile emotions, but they failed.

    Even if I didn’t cry, I’d turn red. Even if I didn’t turn red, my lips would quiver and my body would tense up. Someone would never fail to point it out.

    “Wow, you get really red—like a tomato!”

    “Hey, lighten up. You take things so seriously.”

    I left the toxic environment of my childhood when I was seventeen years old, having counted down the days until I could be free. An old journal of mine from around then says, “I’m so glad I’m over the past.” I thought changing locations was the end of the story.

    I had focused so much on getting free that, when I got to that freedom, I didn’t know what to do. Slowly, I developed serious mental health issues that grew from not healing. I became more than just sensitive. I became what my ex called “crazy.”

    After my first relationship—which quickly turned into mutual emotional abuse—dissolved, something broke inside of me. I became cold, distant, intolerant. I began to make comments about other people being too sensitive when they reacted, because I no longer did.

    And you know something? It felt good. It felt so good to, for once, not be the one that felt ashamed of my emotions. I felt powerful. I felt like everything would be okay.

    I became everything I had fought so long and so hard against: loveless, distant, cynical. I became the bully I once feared. I began my journey to become the abuser I vowed to leave in my childhood memories.

    Thankfully, I had a breakdown. I say thankfully, because those weeks of unbearable pain were nothing compared to a lifetime I could have lived as yet another abuser recreating her past.

    As I allowed myself to feel again, I felt a flood of regret and guilt for the people I’d hurt. I felt terrible about shaming those emotions in others that I’d had shamed in me. I used this feeling to forgive the people who had hurt me, realizing that their actions were by-products of abuse in their pasts as well.

    I had escaped hurting myself and hurting others by healing the pain of the past, which was only possible by feeling the pain of the past. And I realize now that this was what I was trying to do all those times I would overreact—heal. I was trying to heal.

    When we get ignored or put down, it hurts. It leaves a wound. And then, when we’re in a safer situation, that wound tries to heal.

    Each time I reacted emotionally to a situation that didn’t seem appropriate, my wound was trying to heal.

    Each time I would react to a joke with pain, my wounds were trying to heal.

    Each time I’d get this rush of anger or anxiety or self-hatred, triggered by some little thing someone did that reminded me of the abuse of the past, my wounds were trying to heal.

    But what did the world say?

    When I needed someone to hold me while I cried about being insulted and pushed down after being triggered by something little and silly, people would say, “You’re too sensitive.”

    When I needed someone, anyone, to just look at what was happening in my life and listen to me, having no communication skills and able only to start drama, people would say, “You’re doing it for attention.”

    I came so close to killing myself before I had a breakdown. If I had, wouldn’t they have said, “We didn’t see it coming”?

    Abuse has been rampant in my family for generations. In my work, I see every day how rampant emotional abuse is in our society.

    Abuse makes people “sensitive.” I put this in quotation marks because there’s a difference between perceiving a person’s sensitivity as a characteristic and perceiving that person as having gaping wounds, which are sensitive because they’re healing.

    And our cultural tendency to push down the healing process in those who have been abused is the most silent killer of them all.

    As human beings, we need to connect, to love, to belong. We need to feel like we are accepted and respected for who we are. And how many of us had those needs shattered at a young age? If not by our parents, by a group of peers. If not by a group of peers, by a partner.

    As soon as we get hurt, we start to heal. This goes for paper cuts as much as it goes for emotions. We can allow that healing, or we can block it.

    Those who appear outwardly sensitive and touchy are actually doing something incredibly brave. They are choosing to stay with their emotions, which are pathways to healing, instead of shutting down and joining the abuse statistics.

    So next time you hear someone being called too sensitive, know this: there are only so many times a person’s healing process can be repressed before they can’t take it anymore. And the way a person breaks out is either through ending their life or ending their emotional life by becoming abusive themselves.

    This is happening everywhere, and we can all do our part to stop it.

    Jon Briere said, “If we could somehow end child abuse and neglect, the eight hundred pages of DSM […] would be shrunk to a pamphlet in two generations.”

    We can all do our part in this, and the way we can start is by understanding the connection between emotional release and healing, by allowing people to experience emotions in front of us without judging or backing down, and by allowing ourselves to experience those emotions, to heal, and to find people who will allow us to do so.

    Like this, we can build a better world together. But we can’t do it alone. We need you. We need all of us.

    Crying eyes image via Shutterstock

  • How to Develop Self-Love and Why This Will Strengthen Your Relationship

    How to Develop Self-Love and Why This Will Strengthen Your Relationship

    Happy Couple

    “An outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.” ~Pia Scade

    My partner and I were having a conversation about our relationship recently.

    We both told each other just how much we loved the relationship. We weren’t talking about how much we love each other, but about how much we enjoy this shared space between us, this thing we call our relationship.

    We enjoy giving to it and nurturing it. We enjoy receiving from it. It challenges us on a regular basis, but ultimately those challenges make us better people.

    We feel that the relationship enhances us as individuals and makes us happy. We don’t need it, we don’t depend on it, but we sure do want to keep it.

    It wasn’t always like this for me. With past girlfriends things always started out well, but over time my insecurities would take over.

    I would lose my sense of self and become absorbed into the relationship. I would come to depend on the partnership for satisfaction, happiness, validation, and self-worth. My other half was often equally struggling.

    The result was that the positive energy in the space between us got drained. The more needy we both became the more toxic it got.

    We clung on because we thought we needed each other but we became resentful and started to hate the relationship. Neither of us was doing anything to nurture our love. We hung on until it got so bad that somebody snapped, and then it ended.

    The difference between then and now is self-love. In the past I was insecure and needy, and I didn’t yet know who I was or what I wanted from life and from love. My partners had similar problems and inevitably my relationships would eventually turn sour.

    Now, after a lot of personal growth and self-actualization, with a partner who has also done the same, I can genuinely say that I love myself and I am glad to be me.

    Self-love means now that I also love my relationship. I don’t depend on it, as I did in the past, and it doesn’t take away my individuality. It enhances me.

    It seems like such a simple concept but it was a big epiphany when we both came to realize it in our recent conversation.

    We love ourselves, we love each other, but long after the rose tinted glasses have come off, we love this thing called “us.” As partners, teammates, friends, and lovers we think the space between us is awesome.

    Learning Self-love While In A Relationship

    It can be difficult to be in a relationship if you don’t have a great deal of self-love. Often the insecurities will lead to conflict, and sometimes the conflict will lead to a breakup.

    A common piece of advice is that you have to learn to love yourself before you even get into a relationship.

    But what if you are already with someone? Does it mean you have to part in order to do the work on yourself before finding love again? Do you have to meet some arbitrary self-love prerequisite before you qualify for a relationship?

    Of course it helps to be entering a relationship with a strong feeling of self-love. But I also think that if you are in a partnership where self-love is lacking, and the space between you is needy, irritating, and harmful, things can be turned around.

    Learning self-love is an ongoing process. It’s not a switch you can just flick on. Even couples who have a healthy amount of self-love could have more.

    How To Develop Self-Love If You Are In A Relationship

    1. Maintain a degree of space and independence.

    It’s unhealthy to allow the relationship to absorb your identity and to lose yourself as a person. Keep your own rituals, your own activities, and your own friends. Spend a healthy time apart doing your own thing to nurture your soul.

    2. Remember you are the master of your own happiness.

    Your partner can’t make you happy. Only you can do that. He or she can enhance the happiness that you nurture in yourself, but it is not their responsibility to make you happy. If you rely on them for happiness you will drain the space between you. Make sure you take the responsibility yourself.

    This isn’t an easy thing to do and is a habit that you need to develop over time. It starts with adopting a mindset that happiness is a choice, meaning you give yourself the power to cultivate happiness for yourself. It’s difficult and it’s hard work, but it’s liberating because you refuse to allow your happiness to be dictated by your circumstances or by other people.

    Choosing happiness means accepting the truism that the only person you can change is you. Instead of looking to change others, you work on yourself and make sure you meet your own needs.

    Another way to take responsibility for your own happiness is to choose to be present. If you wait for the perfect conditions before you allow yourself to be happy, then you will always be waiting.

    Instead of saying, “I’ll be happy when…” you choose happiness now. You quiet thoughts of the past or the future and decide to be happy in the moment.

    Doing the little things that make you happy helps with this. Embrace the small daily moments you have to nurture yourself, like sitting down with a cup of tea or taking ten minutes to meditate. This can help quiet your mind, allowing you be present and to find a moment of joy in your day.

    Working through your baggage from the past can also help you feel lighter and more present and makes it easier to choose happiness. Yet working through past pain is an ongoing process, and while it’s good to do it, it doesn’t have to hold you back from choosing happiness.

    It doesn’t have to be, “I’ll be happy once I overcome my baggage.” You can be happy right now.

    3. See in yourself what your partner sees in you.

    Insecure people struggle to see anything good in themselves and are often dismissive of the positive things their partner sees.

    Ask you partner what they see in you and what it is about you that they love. This is a great date night exercise for couples. Write a list of twenty things you love about each other and take turns reading them out.

    If you do this regularly you will slowly take it onboard and internalize it and start to believe it about yourself.

    For example, I used to be critical of myself for being too reserved and boring. But I’ve come to realize that my partner really appreciates my ability to keep an even keel when in rough emotional waters.

    My highs aren’t that high but my lows aren’t that low. Instead of seeing this as me being boring and something to be critical of, I now see it as a sign of strength and something valuable that I bring to the relationship.

    In a relationship you aren’t just learning about the other person, you are also learning about yourself.

    4. Don’t get disheartened when you see your flaws.

    On the other hand a relationship will also hold up a mirror to your flaws. Things you have learned to live with about yourself may irritate your partner.

    We all have our flaws. Some things can be ignored; others might be something you want to work on. Either way, don’t let it get you down or get in the way of self-love.

    Exposing flaws is a natural part of a relationship; it doesn’t mean you are a terrible person or that you are unlovable.

    5. Forgive yourself for your failings.

    Holding a grudge against yourself gets in the way of self-love. It’s inevitable in a relationship that there will be times you say or do things that you regret. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

    6. Remember love is an action, not a feeling.

    Wise minds have always maintained that love is something you choose to do, not an emotion that you feel. This is often said about loving another but the same is true about loving yourself.

    Even if you don’t feel like you love yourself, choose to act in a self-loving way. Make time to nurture yourself and fulfill your own needs.

    The best way to do this is to schedule “me time” everyday. This is a period where you put yourself first over any other commitments or other people. Do simple activities that you enjoy. For me it’s going to the gym, reading the news, and eating a quiet breakfast. Some like to meditate, do yoga, or read.

    It’s all about creating a little self-love ritual. One session might not make a big difference, but if you can make it a regular daily habit then the cumulative benefits will add up.

    I’ve been won over by the early riser brigade that the morning is the best time to schedule this, as there are no other distractions. Every day for the last year I have woken up an hour earlier than normal so that I have my daily self-love time. You may prefer to do it in the evening as a wind down before bed, but either way, make it a priority.

    —

    Remember that self-love is important for enjoying a happy, healthy, and respectful relationship. When you are secure, confident, and feeling good about yourself you feed positive energy into the space between you.

    If you are feel that you are struggling in your relationship, focus on yourself, work on self-love, and you will see things improve.

    Happy couple image via Shutterstock

  • Create an Extraordinary Life: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself Daily

    Create an Extraordinary Life: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself Daily

    Woman thinking

    “We have one precious life: do something extraordinary today, even if it’s tiny. A pebble starts the avalanche.” ~K.A. Laity

    Do you have a vision of a life you want to lead?

    Doing work that you enjoy, being happy, healthy, and having great relationships?

    You probably have your own idea of what an extraordinary life means. But how often do you feel that you are living that life?

    Life is bound within the confines of our schedules, our money, and our limited resources.

    There are many things that you want to do, or want to be, but most of the time you tend to go with the flow, putting things off for later. Either because you are too busy, or because you feel that you lack the means to do so.

    What if that’s not true?

    What if you are mistaken about the limitations you think you face? What if you can do much more—starting today?

    What if, by just asking yourself a few questions every day, you could become happier, healthier, and much more successful?

    For me, an extraordinary life is not about being in a permanent vacation in Vegas or having millions in the bank. My vision is not of any particular destination, but a journey. It’s a life where I am content with what I have yet strive for more. A balance of the present and the future.

    Last year was one of the best years of my life. And I could make it so because I was able to look past what I had assumed to be major limitations that were holding me back.

    A Dream on the Backburner

    Since I was ten years old, I wanted to visit Scotland.

    Filled with breathtaking natural beauty, fascinating legends, rich history, incredible medieval architecture, wonderful people, and divine food, Scotland is one of the most enchanting places on Earth.

    I had glimpses of it all my life through travel shows, books, and movies –Braveheart, The Water Horse, the legend of the Loch Ness monster, R.L. Stevenson’s stories, and more.

    For me, this was not just about a vacation. This was connected to the very core of my identity—to my sense of freedom and adventure; to my love for art, beauty, and a desire to live a life of meaning.

    The trouble was that I was running a startup business and I was always either too busy or had too little money to spend on personal matters.

    My wife and I had this grand vision of a luxury trip to Scotland, when we would have enough time and money. We really didn’t want to go on a regular trip because we wanted it to be ‘extraordinary.’

    One day all that changed. But not in the way I had expected.

    A Simple Bit of Wisdom

    I came across a bit of simple but powerful wisdom by bestselling author Marshall Goldsmith. He spoke about asking ourselves daily questions about things that really matter to us:

    Did I do my best to (be or do something) today?

    The question might seem simple, but it has a very powerful impact. It will make you examine your life and your perceived limitations. It will prompt you to take personal responsibility for your life.

    I became intrigued and began to ask myself one particular question that he recommended:

    Did I do my best to be happy today?’

    Asking this question made me more cognizant of taking responsibility for my own happiness. Initially, it prompted me to practice gratitude every day. But then came a big revelation.

    A Revelation

    Over a couple of weeks, I began to think more deeply about my life. I really began to wonder, what would make me more fulfilled right now? And the same answer kept repeating itself: I had to go to Scotland.

    And then, I thought, why not? Why am I putting off something that means so much to me?

    My wife and I were planning a trip for the next year, but many ‘next years’ had elapsed without us taking action.

    Over the next few days, we did some serious research and realized that it wouldn’t really be as expensive as we had thought. Besides, there are ways to save, like staying in AirBnB instead of a hotel.

    Soon after, we were standing in the medieval city of Edinburgh!

    Nothing can prepare you for the magic when you actually land in that mesmerizing city. Traveling through the Highlands, visiting castles, and taking a boat ride on the legendary Loch Ness was far more beautiful than I had ever expected.

    And it all began by asking a simple question every day. Honestly, if I hadn’t asked that daily question, we would have put off our trip again for ‘next year.’

    The Power of the Question

    A meaningful question has the power to prompt you to take a close look at your life and your actions. It directs you to take responsibility for your success and happiness. So what other questions can you ask that have the power to change your life?

    I will share four more daily questions that you can ask yourself about different areas of your life. Each of these questions has the power to transform your life. But first…

    A Word of Caution

    Don’t expect an earth shattering revelation when you ask any of these questions for the first time. You will only realize the profound power of these questions once you begin asking them for at least a few days. But over time, these questions can truly make your life extraordinary.

    Ready? Let’s begin.

    Here are four more daily questions for living an extraordinary life.

    Improving your Career

    Are you less than satisfied with your job?

    Most of us are, or have been. Few of us feel completely fulfilled at work.

    However, what’s also true is that few of us consider themselves to be responsible for their happiness at work.

    Ask yourself, “Did I do my best to enjoy my work today?”

    Asking this will prompt you to make a sincere effort to enjoy your work.

    The moment you take this responsibility, it will become easier for you to connect with people, resolve conflicts, take more initiative, and lend a helping hand to a colleague.

    Over time, taking personal responsibility will drive better results, reduce your stress, and bring you more recognition and success.

    Improving Health and Fitness

    Do you tend to ignore your health because you are too busy? Do you make fitness resolutions without ever sticking to them?

    Ask, “Did I do my best to stay healthy?”

    This question will provide you with the energy to persevere.

    Eating better, going for a run every day, or even changing simple habits like taking the stairs instead of the lift takes time and effort to build.

    It is important to do your health habit a little every day till it becomes second nature.

    By asking this daily question you will remind yourself to take the small steps toward everyday health—eat a fruit, skip the rope, or sit down to meditate for a few minutes

    It will also give you the assurance that you can succeed despite your lack of time or inconsistency in the past.

    You realize that all you need is some extra effort and perseverance. Let the question be your inspiration every day.

    Improving Relationships

    Do you often find yourself involved in a disagreement or a conflict?

    Conflicts are one of the biggest sources of stress. How much easier would your life be if you had a way to resolve conflicts quickly, or even better, prevent them from occurring in the first place?

    Ask, “Did I do my best to understand people?”

    Most conflicts happen because people fail to understand each other. Because we fail to see the other person’s viewpoint, or appreciate their interests. Before you can truly make the other person understand you, you must understand him or her. Why not take the first step yourself?

    Designing your Life’s Purpose

    Do you ever feel a lack of clear purpose? Or that there is a special purpose to your life, but you don’t know what it is?

    There have been times when I have felt the same. It’s not unusual to question the direction your life is taking.

    But have you considered that you don’t really have to discover a special purpose in life?

    What if you can design your purpose every single day? What if your life has multiple purposes, the same way we have multiple roles in life—a spouse, a parent, a friend, an employee, a citizen, a human being.

    What if you just strived to be a person who attempts to do the best in one or more of these roles – everyday?

    Ask yourself, “Did I do my best to find meaning in my life today?”

    Out of all the above questions, this is probably the most powerful of all. Take the responsibility of finding meaning in your life every day. I believe that meaning already exists; we just don’t recognize it. Well, now you can—every day.

    It’s All Up to You

    I believe that life is a gift. Life itself is extraordinary.

    All of us will not find equal success in relationships, work, finances, or health. However, we can choose to do the best with the limited means that we have. We can choose to make a sincere effort to live life to the fullest every single day.

    These are just a few daily questions that can take you in the direction of creating an extraordinary life.

    What areas of your life do you want to focus on? What daily questions will you ask yourself?

    Woman thinking image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Lessons on Living a Long, Healthy Life, from a 90-Year-Old

    5 Lessons on Living a Long, Healthy Life, from a 90-Year-Old

    Happy Old Woman

    “In the end, long life is the reward, strength, and beauty.” ~Grace Paley

    In September 2014, my grandmother turned ninety years old. She lives in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. It is where she has lived her entire life, and while my parents could have brought her to live with them in the US a long time ago, she has always preferred to live independently in her hometown.

    I went to Rio to celebrate my grandmother’s ninetieth birthday. Although I was born there, I had not been back for over twenty-five years. I learned a lot about my country of birth, my hometown, and my relatives on that trip, but the most important things that I learned were from my grandmother.

    She is healthier, more active, and more independent than most seventy-year-olds. By simply observing her, I learned some key lessons about what it takes to have a very healthy and long life. Here are the five keys to her longevity.

    The Importance of Being Physically Active

    When you imagine someone in their nineties, you probably imagine a person who has difficulty moving because of body aches, stiff joints, muscle loss, and a lack of stamina. You may imagine someone who needs a cane or walker to get around and can’t walk long distances without needing to stop for a break.

    My grandmother is definitely not that person. She is very active every day. She cleans her apartment, cooks her meals, and does her laundry. She also goes to the market, the bank, the post office, and anywhere else she needs to go on foot.

    Because she lives in a big city and almost everything she needs is within walking distance, my grandmother is able to walk to most places.

    She doesn’t walk because she thinks it’s good for her. No doctor has ever told her that she needs to be more active. She is active because it’s how she has always lived her life.

    My grandmother is twice my age, but she moves more on a daily basis than I do. I have to make a conscious effort to perform as much physical daily activity as she does. My grandmother doesn’t have to go to a gym to work out; her daily life is all the work out she needs.

    The Importance of Living Independently

    Although she has many relatives who live close by (her younger sister lives in the same building), my grandmother has lived on her own for over thirty years. She manages her finances, makes all her own decisions, and doesn’t need to rely on anyone to provide for her basic day-to-day needs.

    She takes care of everything herself every day. As a result, she has been able to remain confident in her abilities and her judgment.

    My grandmother doesn’t feel like the world is moving too fast for her to keep up. She knows how to use modern technology, stays current on world events and local politics, and has no problem speaking her mind. She knows that she is vital and doesn’t need anyone to tell her what to do or how to do it.

    Nothing intimidates her.

    The Importance of Mental Wellness

    For as long as I can remember, my grandmother has loved to crochet. Both my mother and I have boxes of table runners, bedspreads, and countless doilies that she has created for us over the decades.

    There is plenty of anecdotal information as well as scientific research showing that crafts such as crocheting and knitting are good for your brain.

    Some of the ways that crochet has been shown to improve brain wellness are by:

    • increasing mindfulness
    • requiring problem-solving
    • improving hand-eye coordination
    • encouraging creativity
    • improving ability to focus

    If you think about it, the act of crocheting is very similar to the practice of meditation. Crochet is relaxing and repetitive, requiring focus without any stress. In fact, for my grandmother it has always been a stress-reducer and (without her even realizing it) a way for her to be fully present.

    The Importance of Close Relationships

    Although my grandmother lives alone, she has many relatives who also live in Rio. Her younger sister lives in a different apartment in the same building and they spend several hours every day together. The sisters are extremely close, but they both benefit from the independence they are afforded by having their own homes.

    My grandmother is also a big part of the lives of her relatives who live abroad. She speaks to and Facetimes with my mother almost daily. She also remains in close touch with her grandchildren and her great-grandson through letters, phone calls, and video chats.

    My grandmother may live alone, but she is never lonely. She chooses when to spend time with others and how much time she wants to spend them. She has worked a balance between being involved and remaining independent that works out perfectly for her.

    She knows how important she is to all those around her. She knows she is still appreciated which provides a great boost to her emotional well being.

    The Importance of Feeling Useful to Others

    My grandmother doesn’t just live close by to her younger sister; she is also her unofficial caretaker. My great-aunt lost her sight several years ago and can no longer do a lot of things for herself.

    My grandmother knows that her sister truly needs her. She does all the cooking for her and they share daily meals. She also helps her by running errands and performing other daily tasks that have become much too challenging for her.

    One of the most powerful books I have ever read is Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. In his book, Frankl states that finding a meaning that gives us something to live for is our best source of happiness and longevity.

    My grandmother is a perfect example of Frankl’s statement. Although she and her sister bicker sometimes (as all sisters do), when I see them together I know that they have an unbreakable bond. And I know that my grandmother benefits just as much from that bond as her sister does.

    —

    These are the five keys to a long and healthy life that I have learned from my grandmother. If you want to live as long and happy a life as she has, be sure to find ways to stay physically active, maintain your independence as much as possible, enjoy activities that will keep your mind sharp, nurture your close relationships, and find a way to provide and care for others.

    Do you have any longevity lessons that you have learned?

    Happy old woman image via Shutterstock

  • Healing Through Service: 20 Ways to Help Others (and Yourself)

    Healing Through Service: 20 Ways to Help Others (and Yourself)

    Woman and a Kitten

    “To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own.” ~Abraham Lincoln

    A feral cat tempered my most recent bout with depression. I wasn’t seriously depressed, nothing like the debilitating times in my past, but I had a fairly strong case of the blues.

    It was just before Thanksgiving, that time of year when people across America break bread with family and friends, and I was feeling sorry for myself.

    I missed the gatherings we used to have when I was married. My ex-husband and I both loved to cook and every year we put together a gourmet feast for a group of family and friends.

    This year I would be alone.

    I live on the high desert and winters are harsh. Outside a sixty mile an hour wind was howling and a blanket of snow covered the ground. It didn’t help my mood.

    When I opened the door to let my dog out to pee, I heard a high-pitched mewling. From the frozen hillside a scrawny white and black cat came crawling out of the sage. Its fur was matted and its ribs showed.

    When I moved toward it, it retreated with a hiss. My own calico eats well, so I borrowed some of her Fancy Feast, a cup of dry food, and a bowl of water and set it outside.

    Before long the cat was a regular visitor, but what was more gratifying is within a week it had filled out, and while its tail was still matted, its fur began to look glossier.

    The cat, however, showed no appreciation. It continued to spit and growl when I brought its food out, and I have no doubt it would have taken off a finger if it could.

    As the days went by I found myself looking out the window for the cat. I stuffed some blankets under the shed, although it rarely slept there. Once it ate, it moved back out into the desert.

    I also found my depression lifting. I shared Thanksgiving dinner with a small group of new friends and when I returned home, the cat, with its usual ill-tempered snarl, was under the shed.

    I brought out its food and told it, “You could come inside if you’d just chill out.” It pulled its ears back and hissed.

    Small things can change our mood and they often have one thing in common—helping someone or something else. As soon as we step outside our own problems and feel compassion for someone who has it worse than we do, we begin to appreciate the life that’s in front of us.

    It was impossible to not feel moved for this tiny creature that had survived in such a harsh environment. At night it seemed coyotes crawled out from every bush and burrow, yet it eluded them.

    When it snowed I worried about it, but the following day its tracks would be in the snow and I’d find it hiding under the shed.

    There are many ways we can be of service in the world. Even small acts of compassion can go a long ways. I think it’s more effective than donating money.

    Of course, everyone needs money and it’s great to contribute to something we believe in, but money is service at a distance. It doesn’t alleviate the heart the way genuine human kindness does.

    When we hand over a plate of hot food at a soup kitchen or save an abused animal, we’re connecting with another living being. We’re touching hands or fur, sharing a smile or a word.

    Even if you’re shy and don’t like to be in groups there are many low-key, private ways to help lift someone’s spirit or ease an animal’s suffering:

    1. Do you like to cook? Bake some extra pies and donate them to a homeless shelter.

    2. Become a virtual mentor for a teen through a site like icouldbe.org.

    3. Volunteer at a local school. Many schools are short staffed and welcome community involvement.

    4. Knit or crochet afghans or scarves and take them to your local senior center.

    5. Offer to babysit for a friend. You serve the adult, who could use a night out, and being around kids is often uplifting.

    6. Volunteer to shop for a sick neighbor.

    7. Volunteer for a crisis hotline.

    8. Offer to take an elderly person shopping, to the movies or just for a drive.

    9. Volunteer to read to children at your library’s story hour.

    10. Put together a hygiene kit for a homeless person that includes toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, soap, etc.

    11. If you pass a panhandler, take them out for a hot meal. Listen to their story.

    12. Volunteer at your local animal shelter. If you’re able, adopt a shelter dog or cat. If you can’t make a long-term commitment, you might consider becoming a temporary foster parent for a shelter animal until they find a permanent home.

    13. Send a card to a hospitalized kid through a site like cardsforhospitalizedkids.com or to someone in the military through a site like amillionthanks.org.

    14. Rake, shovel or clean for an elderly neighbor.

    15. Donate blood. You never know when your blood will save someone’s life.

    16. Color (alone or with your child) and donate the picture to Color A Smile.

    17. Do you have a special talent? Offer to do a free one-day workshop at a low-income community center or battered women’s shelter.

    18. Offer to teach someone to read.

    19. Donate your used books or clothing to a shelter.

    20. Do small acts of service throughout the day—hold the door for people, let someone go in front of you at the grocery store if they have fewer items. Smile.

    —

    Once you begin to think of ways to help, the possibilities are endless. You are giving to the world, and as a result you’ll find yourself thinking less of your own problems and your heart softening.

    When we approach life with an attitude of service we develop empathy. It’s no longer about us, but about what someone else needs.

    As for the cat, when you feed something, a responsibility goes with it. For the past several weeks I’ve tried to trap it to take into our local feral cat clinic where they will spay or neuter and vaccinate it. So far it’s eluded me, even managing to twice steal the food without setting the trap.

    There’s a lesson in this as well. Service is not the same as saving.

    We can help ease another’s suffering, but we’re not responsible for saving them. We need to accept that sometimes our service isn’t wanted or appreciated and if necessary, we need to step back and let them go.

    Some people don’t want to be saved. Some cats don’t want to be caught.

    It doesn’t matter. Being of service isn’t about accolades or praise. It’s about healing the world and us by taking tiny steps to make the planet a better, more compassionate place for all the creatures that share it.

    Woman and kitten image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stay Calm in a Chaotic, Stressed Out World

    How to Stay Calm in a Chaotic, Stressed Out World

    Meditating Girl

    “You can’t calm the storm so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself and the storm will pass.” ~Timber Hawkeye

    After another driver pulled out in front of me and narrowly missed a collision, I put on my brakes and waited for the car to stop. As the other driver sailed off ahead of me, my hysterical passenger screamed, “What an idiot! Didn’t you see him? Why didn’t you blast the horn? These people shouldn’t be on the road!”

    I realized my reaction, or lack of reaction, was out of the ordinary, and I also noticed that despite the circumstance I had remained equanimous—I hadn’t let it disturb my peace of mind.

    I wasn’t angry with the driver, my blood pressure hadn’t increased, and no damage had been done. I was at peace.

    It hadn’t always been this way. I inherited a short fuse from my dad (at least, that’s the excuse I used for years).

    I was a footballer and with it, competitive and aggressive. Road rage was common, even when I wasn’t in a car, and I’ve been known to throw things across the room in frustration.

    The person I am now could not be more different in this respect, and I’m a lot happier as a result, not to mention the improvement in my relationships and my health.

    Imagine a day where very little upsets you and in the face of annoyances you just sail through, calm, peaceful, and happy. It may seem like an impossibility, but when I look at where I was and where I am now, I can assure you it’s not.

    So how did I become equanimous and how did it change my life?

    It started when I began daily meditation.

    I took up the habit to try to control stress in a busy life. As I progressed I noticed I was becoming more relaxed, centred, and calm. But there was more to it than that; my brain was changing and I was becoming more self-aware, and also more considerate and compassionate toward others.

    I was able to notice my emotions arising and slowly regained control over my moods.

    This isn’t the same as supressing anger and emotions; this can be even more damaging. It’s getting to a point where the emotions don’t even arise in the first place.

    It’s a long journey, it doesn’t happen overnight, and like with everything it takes practice.

    Before I could do anything about controlling them, the first step was just to notice them. I spent a long time at this point prior to progressing! But with awareness comes progress, and just noticing the emotions arise is a huge step in the right direction. 

    The funny thing is that, as I traveled with a friend recently, I was shocked by how frustrated she got with drivers doing the speed limit but getting in her way.

    I watched how her demeanor changed as she got more agitated and how the experience affected her mood after the journey, and I thought, This is crazy, how can people live like this? Then I thought, Well, exactly how you did not so long ago!

    It’s become so common we consider it normal, but when I spend time in Thailand and other Buddhist countries it’s refreshing to notice that people don’t really lose their temper or scream, swear, and shout.

    I used to think it was an unattainable goal. I’d look at monks and nuns being zen and think, Well surely it’s easy to be zen if you live on a mountain top away from the world. But as one old monk (who looked very young) told me, while they may not have the outside pressures like traffic jams, shopping, and emails to test their equanimity, they still have human internal pressures.

    He explained to me about his separation from his mother when he was a young child, living through a war, the death of his brother, and his overcoming cancer. There’s enough there to make any human mind an unpeaceful place!

    Our minds are so precious and powerful it makes sense we should keep them as peaceful as possible. Not only does it impact on our mood, our relationships, and our effectiveness, but also our health.

    Imagine how different life could be if the ups and downs and little annoyances didn’t affect us anymore, if our brains were trained to not react, not suppressing anger but not having it there to suppress.

    It’s not as difficult as we’ve been lead to believe, and it opens up a whole new way of life, one I am experiencing now. Having been both sides of this fence I can tell you which I prefer, and the way to get there—equanimity!

    I learned this skill by meditating most days for just ten minutes, and the change was so subtle that sometimes I’m not quite sure when it all changed and how I arrived here. But looking back in hindsight, I can see how far I’ve come and what a difference it’s made to my life and the life of those around me.

    My days are not the same if I don’t get some yoga or meditation done first thing. Once I’m up out of bed I like to sit for just ten minutes and focus my awareness on my breathing.

    On my more distracted days I might chose a guided meditation to help me focus. Some days if I don’t have time to sit on a cushion I find ways to incorporate stillness into my daily life. It could be a few deep breaths while I wait for the kettle to boil or a mindful walk on the way to work.

    There are so many opportunities throughout our day to stop for a second, bring our awareness to our breathing, and notice what is going around us and within us. This is the key to developing equanimity.

    The more awareness we have of our thoughts and feelings, the easier it becomes to detach from them, over time, with practice.

    Imagine what a different place the world would be if we could all learn equanimity. Well, be the change you want to see and start today! Bringing stillness to our mind also brings peace, and when we are at peace nothing disturbs our equanimity.

    Meditating girl image via Shutterstock

  • The Truth About Social Anxiety and 5 Ways to Relieve It

    The Truth About Social Anxiety and 5 Ways to Relieve It

    “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.” ~Brené Brown

    About fifteen million adults suffer from social anxiety according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Fifteen million. And we’re not just talking about what you’d call shyness. We’re talking about big fears of judgment and scrutinization from others.

    When we hear statistics it can be difficult to remember the humanness of those numbers. These are people who want to find love, who want to make new friends, or who need to talk to new people for work. Maybe you’re one of them. I used to be.

    I remember feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, being highly aware of what I was saying, how I was saying it, and how other people were taking me in. I even remember being in college at a party standing with a group of friends when one of them loudly declared that I looked super uncomfortable.

    Well, I was super uncomfortable, and that statement only brought more attention to my demeanor making me even more self-conscious. It sucked. I didn’t want to feel awkward let alone be known as the awkward girl.

    I was always so concerned with how I was presenting myself. I wanted everyone to feel like I had it all together. I wanted to appear cool, but mostly I didn’t want to do a lot of things.

    I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. And I definitely didn’t want to be disliked.

    What I wanted was to be able to speak easily to people. I wanted to feel laid back. I wanted to not be “shy” in groups. I wanted to feel comfortable. I wanted to get lost in the moment instead of watching and analyzing my every move. I wanted to just be me, and be okay with it.

    Often times when we talk about anxiety this is where we stop. But I’ve discovered something deeper. I worked on myself a lot in my twenties. I made a very dear friend who was super outgoing. Being in her presence helped me see that I could present myself differently.

    I could open up a bit more, I could smile a bit more, and I could show my happiness to strangers.

    I also learned a lot about my ego. I saw some of the ways my mind was holding me back. I was able to acknowledge that fear was driving me in these situations and that I didn’t have to pay so much attention to my mind.

    I became more comfortable in social situations through practice. I found my edge and worked from there. I became more cheerful, more outgoing, and it worked.

    People responded, and I connected more deeply. It felt great, but it didn’t entirely feel easy. I still didn’t feel 100% in my own skin, and I found myself exhausted after being in social situations.

    Years later I discovered that all along I had been afraid of being seen.

    I’m not talking about being out in the world and observed by others. I’m not talking about being afraid of showing up at a party or an event and having people look at me. I’m not talking about superficial self-consciousness. I’m speaking about a deep, spiritual need to be seen for who it is we really are.

    All this time I had actually been terrified that if someone saw who I really was they would reject me, and I didn’t know that I could recover from that. But if someone rejected the persona I’d created, well, that wouldn’t be as bad—it wasn’t really me.

    I discovered this truth through something we all have at our disposal 24/7. It’s actually something we all need and use: the breath.

    Breathwork is a powerful active meditation, and it’s changed so many aspects of my life including this one. It’s given me access to deeper truths about myself and about human beings in general.

    We all want to be loved, and to be loved means you’re accepted as you are. So if you’re deeply afraid, unconsciously afraid, that you might not be loved, how do you think your body is going to respond? It’s going to feel fear.

    It shows up as self-consciousness because our minds work to remedy the situation. If I monitor my every movement I’ll be safe. I won’t show too much of myself, and I won’t be rejected.

    The problem here, aside from the fact that we don’t want to actually be living our lives in constant moderation of ourselves, is that we expend so much energy watching ourselves, trying to be the person we think we should be.

    That’s why I was so exhausted after being in social situations. It took up so much of my energy to be around people and not feel like I could really be myself.

    There is so much relief in being able to be yourself. There is so much freedom in having deep, unconditional love for yourself and knowing that the only thing that matters is that you have your own back.

    It leaves you feeling comfortable being you. It allows you to have a more intimate relationship with yourself, discovering who it is you actually are instead of living under the guise you’ve created for yourself. That guise was a defense mechanism; it was your shield so you wouldn’t get hurt.

    But you don’t have to worry about getting hurt anymore. Yes, you will still feel pain, but you will have such a deep trust in life that you know you’ll always get through it.

    With this trust and this love and this new life, it’s not scary to show yourself anymore.

    You know that the right people will forgive you if you mess up. You know that the people who you need to have around you are the ones who love the things that come out of your mouth, who don’t push you or manipulate you or judge you.

    From simple, immediate action steps to deeper healing work, here are five ways you can start relieving your social anxiety today:

    1. Use the power poses.

    Power Poses are simple body movements scientifically proven to increase confidence hormones and decrease stress hormones. Before you’re going into a social situation put your hand behind your head or even simply raise your hands wide and high in the air.

    2. Focus on others.

    When we’re self-conscious in social situations we’re so focused on ourselves that it’s extremely difficult to connect with others or to even relax. Try finding someone to connect with by asking them about themselves. Become interested in them and place all your awareness on what they’re saying. This helps us engage and removes us from our own self-concern.

    3. Find your edge.

    Know where you’re comfortable and where you feel like you’re going to have a panic attack. Somewhere in the middle lies your edge.

    Your edge is the place you can go to that feels uncomfortable but not like you’re going to die. Hang out there, take some risks.

    This might look like you starting a conversation with someone on your own, asking someone a question, making eye contact, or telling someone something about yourself that feels personal. Continue to practice living on your edge, and it won’t be your edge anymore.

    4. Look deeper.

    You can remedy things by watching and emulating those who excel socially. Or you could spend time getting to know yourself more deeply, facing the truth that maybe you’re afraid to show who you really are. Once we’re willing to face the things we’re hiding from we can begin to liberate ourselves from these deep fears.

    5. Use your breath.

    You can use your breath in the simplest way to reduce your stress levels. Take deep belly breaths very slowly. The slower and deeper the breath the more you activate your parasympathetic nervous system creating a relaxing environment in your body.

    If you want to go for full transformation you could try breathwork and see what you discover about yourself.

    There is a life free of social anxiety. When you choose to dig a little deeper and take steps to heal yourself, you’ll find yourself on a new path. On that path you may discover that you don’t even know who it is you really are. But once you discover yourself, you’ll see there is a whole world of people out there waiting to meet you.

  • No Matter What You Tell Yourself, There Is Nothing Wrong with You

    No Matter What You Tell Yourself, There Is Nothing Wrong with You

    “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” ~Bronnie Ware from Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

    I wish I could remember the exact moment I mis-learned that being myself wasn’t going to cut it.

    It happened early. Maybe kindergarten. I didn’t do it consciously, but at some undetectable moment, I put my real self in a box and created someone else. This new me was so much better—always happy, very accommodating, super quick and witty, and an expert at everything.

    This new me was almost impossible to maintain. She required constant observations, self-sacrifices, and living in fear of being found out. But I knew she was necessary. The real me was not an option.

    Why? Because something was wrong with me. Even in elementary school, I had come to an unfortunate conclusion: Everyone is better than me. I can never let anyone see that.

    There was evidence. I had the only divorced parents in a conservative suburb. I had stringy hair that never congealed into the halo formation I desired no matter how much spray I applied. (It was the eighties!) I didn’t own any brand names. And, worst of all, my father was gay.

    My dad never told me he was gay. He just was gay one day when I was ten. The problem was, he left my mom for a man when I was three. That left seven years of deception in between.

    I went to gay parades with him because he “had some gay friends.” I slept over at the house he shared with his “roommate.” So when my mom finally sat me down to tell me the truth, I was shocked. And betrayed. They’d both been putting on a show for seven years. Why?

    My ten-year-old brain assumed they must have hidden it because it was supposed to be hidden. In a time before Ellen or even an inkling of gay marriage talk, I figured this was a secret so shameful that nobody should know about it.

    I wasn’t against my father or against homosexuality. I was against being different. Flawed. Weird. I was surely the only girl in elementary school who had seen assless chaps at a street fair. I wish I had owned it and flaunted a rainbow flag backpack, but I couldn’t then. I was too obsessed with being ‘the same.’

    I decided not to tell anyone. Not my friends. Not my teachers. No one.

    But a story has all the power when the only place it’s allowed to live is inside you.

    Keeping up a constant lie is exhausting. The anxiety alone about being found out can overtake your body. It controls the way you speak, the way you breathe, what you choose to share with friends. The latter kept all my friends at an arm’s distance. I craved so badly to feel closer to them. Connected. But connection was too scary.

    Six years after I found out about my father’s true self, he fell into one of his many deep depressions and took his own life.

    I had just gotten my driver’s license. His phone was off the hook, and I drove against my mom’s rules to see him. His apartment was a den of depression and his 6’5” body thinner than I’d ever seen. I gave him a hug, and when I drove away, I had no idea it would be our very last hug.

    At sixteen, there were few conclusions for me to make besides: See! Something is seriously wrong with me. My dad didn’t even want to stay to see me grow up.

    Outwardly, I pretended it was no big deal. I cried alone in my room, in my car, places where nobody could see. I wanted to rewind it all. I wanted to change everything. I wanted to go to sleep for years and wake up a happy adult with it all figured out.

    I jumped further into people pleasing. That guy needs a date to something? Let’s go. My teacher is handing out extra credit? I’ll do double. Smile. Smile. SMILE! I got my grade point average to 4.5 and was crowned homecoming queen. (Kids, take notes! You too can become homecoming queen if you simply accommodate every single person who is not you.)

    I went to college far away to get away from myself, but my self followed. My fear. My pretense. My anxiety followed. And as I compared my family to an even broader spectrum of strangers, it got worse.

    The only time I would talk about my personal life was when I was drunk and making jokes. Once a salesman told me to buy a present for my father. I laughed and said, “My father is in the ground!” Then I walked out of the store laughing as if it was the funniest thing I’d ever said.

    Years after college, I met a girl in a writing class. She was the tiniest person I’d ever met and had a voice to match. It happened that our leases ended at the same time, and we had a frank conversation about becoming roommates.

    “I am a loner,” I told her.

    “Me too. We can close our doors and we’ll know that it’s not a good time. Let’s do it.”

    We moved into a two-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles, and one month after combining our silverware, this girl washed the dishes I’d left in the sink. I didn’t get it. She wasn’t my mom. She didn’t have to. I could not grasp the concept of someone else actually wanting to do something for me without being forced or wanting something in return.

    She also insisted on driving me to the airport or paying for dinner or seeing if I needed anything from the store. She simply wanted the best for me. She was offering me the connection I’d craved, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

    We would lie on the carpet at night and stare at the popcorn ceiling. I tried to be vague when she asked me about my life. I was used to short answers, accustomed to my motto: Get done with the talking fast so the group can move on to someone better. But she wouldn’t let me off the hook.

    She reached for me. She held my hand. I’d never experienced such intimacy with a friend. I recoiled at first, but she persisted. It’s like she knew the terror inside my head—the terror to be close, to be discovered, to be guilty. She knew, and she was guiding me through.

    And so I told her my truth. I let it out. And she told me hers. And we cried and we laughed and we didn’t stop until our lives made a pile on the living room floor. She didn’t hate me. She didn’t abandon me. She didn’t tell me I was weird or different or wrong. She just held me and said it was all okay.

    At twenty-eight, she was my first real friend. At twenty-eight, I finally grieved openly for my father.

    This first friend of mine began to unravel the mask I had spent years sewing. She pulled the first thread, and then I began to write, which untied me even more. I posted an essay about my father on my blog and was met with solidarity and hugs. And love.

    Being real felt suffocating at first. I had to get used to awkward pauses when I’d say the word ‘suicide.’ I had to learn to relax and not be on constant alert during conversations in order to say the wittiest response first. I had to admit when I was wrong or didn’t know. I had to be willing to show others my imperfection.

    I’m still working on it all. Every day. But since I came clean, my world is completely different. I drink less alcohol because I don’t need to hide from my own terror-filled brain. I have a set of friends with whom I can share every tiny detail about myself. I feel fulfilled. I feel honest. I sleep well.

    And most of all, my story has lost its power. Once I began saying it out loud, I realized that every single person has felt shame at some point. No one thinks she or her family is perfect. But it takes sharing to find that out.

    I felt such a relief from letting go of my secret that it became my mission to spread the word.

    I started a show in Hollywood called Taboo Tales. I help people take their secrets and make them into emotional comedy pieces they tell on stage to a big crowd of strangers. It’s a mini version of what I’ve experienced over the last seven years. People get to tell their story, feel a relief from letting go, and then find immediate solidarity from the audience.

    Brene Brown says, “When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.”

    It is the absolute truth. I have seen it firsthand countless times on stage. And I experience brave new endings every day. I have an entirely new life after learning to become vulnerable. To tell it all. To own what’s made me who I am. To be proud of my cool, gay, leather-wearing dad!

    Sure, I’m still working on figuring out who I am after faking it for so long. But I know for sure I’m doing my best. And I’m not following in my father’s footsteps. He let his shame simmer inside of him until it was too much. Not me. Vulnerability saved my life.

    —

    If you’d like to taste some vulnerability, you can start with a tool I use in my Taboo Tales workshops. Set a five-minute timer and write a list of all the things you would never share with anyone else. The timer makes you keep going, and you’ll be surprised at what comes up.

    Take one of those things on your list—the scariest one— and write about it. You can burn everything later, but just getting the story out from inside where it festers is a necessary step. See where that takes you. Maybe read what you wrote to one person if you can.

    If not, start with small truths. Post an honest picture on social media instead of something posed and perfect. Let someone see your messy house or car when you may have made an excuse in the past. Respond with anything other than ‘fine’ when someone asks you how you’re doing. And something I really value in my own life: tell the truth when it’s time to break plans.

    “I’m really too depressed to hang out today” is actually what a good friend would want to hear instead of “I can’t make it.” Your honesty could open that friendship up to new and more intimate conversations.

    Friends are really important in your path to vulnerability. Could you tell any of those items on your list to a friend or two? If you feel like they would all judge you, maybe you could use a new, cozier friend. They’re out there, I promise.

    And one last tip: participate less in gossip. One thing that keeps us holding ourselves back is the fear of being judged. So I challenge you to not be a part of judging on the other side either. Once you begin letting go of your own judgments against others, the idea of being judged yourself becomes less scary.

    Tips or no tips, the goal is to tell your story, whether it’s big and taboo or not. Start small and work up to letting it out in whatever ways you can. Hey, if you want to start below, let’s make this comment section a judgment-free space where everyone’s allowed to share whatever it is they can. That can happen on the Internet, right?

  • 7 Steps to Overcome Daily Despair and Start Living Again

    7 Steps to Overcome Daily Despair and Start Living Again

    Man on Mountain

    “If you cannot make a change, change the way you have been thinking. You might find a new solution.” ~Maya Angelou

    Have you ever felt really stuck? Like every day was a struggle to get through and you knew in your heart the next day would feel the same?

    For the last seven years—since the crash of 2008—I’ve been redefining myself, and it’s been painful.

    In 2009 I opened an Internet retail store, knowing nothing about retail, let alone the intricacies of the Internet.

    After years of hard work and little to show for it, every day began to feel like total drudgery. Facing daily discouragement and defeat weighed heavily on me.

    I began to lose my self-confidence and doubt everything I was doing. I was frozen by the fear of failure.

    Every day was torture. Each morning I promised myself I would be productive, but day after day I failed to accomplish even the simplest tasks. Days added up to weeks, and weeks piled up into months of “stuckness,” frustration, and despair. I was literally ensuring my failure. And I knew it.

    Despair encompassed every area of my life. I felt like I was thrashing through quicksand. I stopped meditating regularly, couldn’t get enough sleep, and the stress was affecting my digestion and my health. I was in a fog of depression.

    Although these issues manifested in my business life, I placed such a focus on making my business succeed that I lost all balance. My personal life suffered greatly. Despair can’t be compartmentalized. It affects all aspects of your life.

    Why do we get stuck?

    The irony of life is that so many of our problems—the stumbling blocks that hold us back—are often there because we get in our own way. We can create a prison of continued, daily suffering for ourselves. And then all we can do is agonize because we desperately want out.

    Each day we wake up in a fog hoping the cloud will lift. We simply can’t see clearly enough to evaluate our problems and realize that each one links back to an action or thought that created it.

    If only we could see this, we could untangle the threads and clear up our lives. Knowing the cause can make the problem much easier to fix if we can just get our minds in the right place.

    How to Reset Your Mind

    Use the following seven steps to overcome daily despair and start living again:

    1. Break the pattern.

    The first thing to do with any negative pattern is stop what you’re doing. You’ve got to break a pattern to change it. This means emotionally removing yourself from the situation. You’ve got to regroup.

    Taking time away is helpful. If that’s not feasible, find a quiet place where you can retreat for alone time during all spare moments. If you have kids, do this while they’re sleeping or safely occupied.

    Tell yourself you’re leaving all your worries outside the door and you’ll pick them up later if you decide to. You deserve this time. You need it. Think of it as a gift to yourself.

    If you’re open to meditation, this is a perfect time to start a practice or deepen your existing one.

    I separated myself from despair during my time alone by admitting that I was torturing myself and not accomplishing anything. I declared that I refused to live like that any longer, and promised I would find a different way.

    2. Free your mind.

    During your free time, don’t think about problem-solving of any kind. Focus on resting, healing, and gifting yourself with positive, healthy thoughts and experiences.

    Change your daily activities from TV and other distractions to calming interests. Take walks outdoors. Read only uplifting things. Catch up on your sleep. Get to bed early when possible.

    Clear your mind by practicing silence. Silence does wonders to slow your thoughts and help you to be mindful of the present good moments.

    I began to shift my focus to meditation and other down-time activities instead of work. I practiced silence every morning while walking to clear my mind and stay healthy. And I made time for friends and family even when I didn’t feel like I had the time.

    I was so relieved that my despair soon began to lift when I stopped focusing all my efforts on work.

    3. Collect ideas to kick-start your thinking.

    Once you’ve broken your pattern, determine the key issue you’re struggling with and find a high-quality resource to begin collecting ideas.

    Are your relationships getting you down? Do you need some spiritual rejuvenation? Is your problem depression? Do you need to learn positive thinking, stress management, or time management?

    Plenty of resources to address your problem are at your fingertips on the Internet, in a bookstore or library, at a local group meeting or Meetup, or a seminar. Find something that sparks your interest and has received top recommendations from others, and dive in.

    I took an online marketing course to rebrand my business. The instructor planted the thought that I’d be much happier shifting my business into something I was more passionate about.

    After listening to me, she suggested that I share what I’ve been doing for years on my yoga path to help others like I was helping myself.

    4. Give your situation some preliminary thought.

    Armed with fresh ideas and with the new resilience gained from your self-care, begin to gently daydream some possibilities.

    This is important. Approach this in a relaxed way—not grasping for answers but allowing them to surface naturally if they do. It’s not even a requirement. This is a creative process.

    During this time, I casually ran ideas through my mind to see if sharing my yoga experiences was a possibility. A big part of me wasn’t sure it was right because my practice was so personal. But I loved the idea of turning my passion into my work.

    5. Trust the process.

    There’s no plug and play solution for transforming despair. Your subconscious, creative, problem-solving mind takes time to process properly.

    Be patient. You don’t need all the answers right now—just some starter fluid to get your brain thinking. As with any creative process, the first answers won’t be your best.

    Know that the right answers will come in time because you’re feeding your mind and you’ve removed all pressure. If you’re stressing out at all or pushing too hard for answers at any point, back off and resume Step 2.

    6. Reset your reality through change.

    Once you’ve cleared your mind, absorbed input from a trusted resource, and eased into daydreaming, you can start making some changes in your life.

    When promising, unique answers begin to surface, start deciphering the details.

    Although the advice you found probably felt uplifting and hopeful, in order to successfully transform your life, you’ll need to put the new ideas into practice. What steps can you take to follow the recommendations?

    It took me a full year from the first time I thought about changing my focus to actually doing something about it. The more I daydreamed about what can be accomplished through the ancient yoga teachings, the more it seemed a perfect fit for me to spread the word.

    I incorporated my instructor’s advice, and made sharing my yoga journey a main part of my business. This time I consulted respected resources to learn how to do it successfully rather than winging it like I did with the retail store.

    Your answer doesn’t have to mean changing your work. My business had to change because it wasn’t working and I was allowing it to cause my despair.

    You can change whatever aspect of your life is causing your pain.

    7. Trace back to the thoughts or actions that caused your stuck feeling.

    Changing the outer aspects of your life is often the best way to uproot despair. But to make the change permanent, it’s important to carefully consider the inner aspects. Identify the thoughts or actions that resulted in your situation to begin with.

    For me, my business wasn’t taking off like I expected it to, raising serious issues of self-doubt. Not making it work meant failure. Hadn’t I already failed to hang on to my career in corporate America?

    This doubt caused me to spend more time researching what I should do to market the business than actually marketing it. I was always being attracted to the next “best idea.” Fearing it wouldn’t work, I kept searching instead of implementing.

    When I finally realized that self-doubt had caused my problem, I was able to start implementing instead of doubting, and complete my healing.

    —

    No matter how bad life seems, you can find the way out of despair.

    We all need time to rejuvenate, so break your pattern. Take time to reflect on what you truly want out of life and what you must do to get back on course.

    The answers often are not complex. They’re just hidden because you lost your focus on what’s important.

    Take some time to think about the thoughts or actions that may have led to your despair. Once you identify the problem, with a little guidance you can correct it and completely change your life.

    The best part? Your answers will often arise on their own once you devote time to yourself to heal and reflect.

    Man on mountain image via Shutterstock

  • How to Help a Friend Through Grief

    How to Help a Friend Through Grief

    Comforting Friend

    “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ~Vicki Harrison

    I’m no stranger to grief. When I was twenty-three I lost my mum, and then eight years later I lost my second daughter, Grace, when she was only one day old.

    Soon after Grace died, my husband and I saw a grief counselor. He said something about other people’s reactions to grief that turned out to be one of the truest statements anyone has ever made to me.

    He said, “There will be at least one friend you never hear from again because they don’t know what to say. At least one person will tell you not to worry because you can have another baby. And there will be one shining star—someone who you didn’t consider to be that close a friend—who will be there for you more forcefully and consistently than anyone else.”

    All three of his predictions came true.

    If you have a friend who is grieving, I know you will want to be their shining star. Grief is awkward and difficult; it’s something we tend to shy away from if we can help it. If you have never experienced grief, you may be at a loss to know what to say or do.

    You Don’t Need to Say the Right Thing

    In fact, you don’t need to say anything at all. You just need to be there.

    It may not feel like much, but your physical presence alone is a comfort—a hug, a hand to squeeze, a presence in the room. These are all important crutches when someone is navigating grief. Remember that you can’t fix this; all you can do is open your arms and open your heart.

    There were a few friends I never heard from again after I lost Grace, as the counselor predicted. It seemed so unfair to lose friends at the same time as losing my baby. I wish they had known that I didn’t expect them to say anything profound or heal my pain, but I did expect them to stick around.

    Try to Steer Clear of Platitudes

    The discomfort and awkwardness outsiders often feel toward grief has given rise to many platitudes over the years. Personally, I would steer clear from saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” or, “It is God’s will.” Even someone with the strongest faith will find that hard to swallow.

    Many platitudes are focused on trying to make the griever focus on the future and move on. While the intent is admirable, I just didn’t want to hear that time is a healer and how all would be fine. My grief is a burden I carry with me every day, and while it is true that I have learned to bear the weight of it (most of the time), I will never “get over it.”

    Try to consider your friend’s beliefs and values before offering words that you feel may be of comfort. Someone said to me, “Grace and your mum are up there watching over you,” which is a statement that just doesn’t match my beliefs, however much I wish it did.

    Instead, I felt slightly annoyed and then guilty for feeling annoyed, because I knew how well-intentioned my friend’s statement was.

    Remember Anniversaries

    Try to remember anniversaries such as the birthday of the person who died and the anniversary of the date of their death. Sending a card or even just a text on the day will let your friend know that you are remembering too.

    I have a friend who always writes Grace’s name on our Christmas card. This means so much to me at a time of year when Grace’s absence from our family is even more keenly felt.

    Celebrate Together

    Celebrating the life of the person your friend has lost can be as simple as reminiscing and talking about them. You could ask to look at photos and other mementos with your friend or help put together a life book.

    Don’t be afraid to mention the person they lost. You may think it kinder to steer clear of the subject, but trust me; your friend will want to talk. Memories are all that remain after a loss, and talking about the person who died really does help to keep them alive.

    If your friend is fundraising in memory of their loved one, you could offer to help. My husband and I carried out a lot of fundraising after Grace died, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the wonderful friends who helped out at and supported our events.

    Always Remember

    Deep loss causes lasting changes—I know I’m not the same person I used to be. Your friend may seem fine one day and angry or depressed the next. It’s all part of grief’s rhythm, which is eternal and has no logic or pattern.

    Vicki Harrison’s quote above really sums up what it is like to live after loss. So don’t take it personally if your friend seems distant or has no wish to socialize at times. He or she is just learning to swim.

    I can bear the load at times; other times I simply can’t. One of the consequences of my loss is that I have unintentionally become more introverted. Some days I just need to stay in a safe bubble with my little family, because letting the rest of the world in is too difficult.

    It’s easy to remember the profound effect grief has on your friend shortly after the loss, but much tougher to keep this in mind months, years, and decades after. I don’t believe that time is a healer; instead, it seems to be an adapter. With much difficulty, I am learning to adapt to life without my loved ones.

    The rawness may be dulled with time, but the emotions and sorrow are not. I know it can’t be easy for the friend of a griever, but if you can remember and be there for the long term, you will be the shining star your friend so desperately needs.

    Friendship vector via Shutterstock

  • The Beauty of Being Single: 6 Benefits of Solitude

    The Beauty of Being Single: 6 Benefits of Solitude

    “I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Shock. Rage. Sorrow. Excitement. Terror. These are just a handful of the emotions one experiences in the aftermath of a separation or divorce. Emotional rollercoaster? It’s more like being hit with the speed and velocity of a bullet train.

    I should know. After twenty-five years of marriage to a kind and accomplished man, I found myself alone.

    Our decision to divorce was neither acrimonious nor cruel; neither sudden nor impulsive. Rather, our decision to file for divorce was an incremental process.

    We had more disappointment than hope, more unease with each other than affection and contentment. As difficult as it was to recognize the wrong turns we’d made in our two-plus decades together, we both realized that it was time for each of us to draw a new map.

    While my husband remained in the home we had lived in together throughout our marriage and the raising of our daughter, the path on the new atlas of my life led me back to Italy, the country of my birth.

    In retrospect, it was far easier to relocate to somewhere radically different from the place I’d called home for thirty years than it was to sit with the equally radical emotions aroused by separating from the person who knew me best.

    Once the bags were unpacked, the boxes unloaded, and the small apartment I’d rented in the heart of Rome redecorated, I had to contend with the alien feeling of a naked ring finger and a heart full of pain.

    The relief of our separation—no longer would I have to tiptoe around the mounting frustration and disenchantment between us—was short-lived; the rush of excitement at the idea of “a fresh start” evanescent as a shooting star.

    With a job from home, only a shoebox of an apartment to tend to, and no wifely duties, motherly chores, or social commitments, I had only one thing to do and one place to go—and that was inward.

    It was lonely in there. Where, I kept thinking, was that rock-solid husband of mine who was ready to jump onto the roof at a moment’s notice when the gutters overflowed?

    Who would take care of me when I was sick, keep me warm when I was cold, ease me into sleep when I had insomnia? Who would share the beauties of life with me?

    How could I live if I didn’t have a partner to love?

    I was in profound disbelief (it wasn’t really over); angry (how could my husband let me go?); worried (would I end up begging for scraps of food in Piazza Navona?); ashamed (I should have tried harder); resolved (I’d get him back and we’d make it work), and adrift (life was pointless).

    But then resignation arrived, and with it, a certain, glorious freedom. I was divorced, not dead. The questions I had? It was akin to asking a well where I could find a drink of water. And in their absence, new ones arrived: Who were my neighbors in the eternal city? Which interests could I develop? How could I create a routine that nurtured my values? And how could I march in single file?

    As I began navigating life alone, I discovered that, while enormously different, a great deal of solace and satisfaction can be found in solitude. If you’re going through a similar transition, consider the following benefits of flying solo:

    1. Your imagination will soar.

    It’s true: Creativity emerges from quiet and an open agenda. Having long been a writer—but also a wife, mother, homeowner, and full-time corporate executive—I long ago learned to write against distraction.

    In my new space, where the only distractions were those I created, my imagination was provoked in ways that I hadn’t experienced since I was a child. Without time- constraints and working to the tune of a television show I wasn’t watching, I found myself freer on the page, more productive, and thoroughly content daydreaming about a daydream.

    If thinking of a long, unstructured weekend day fills you with the blues, use it to your advantage. Creative expression, whether through writing, drawing, or dancing, often proves to be cathartic for people.

    Paint your way through anger, redecorate a room to lift your mood, or spend an hour imagining the places you have the freedom to explore in your new, unencumbered state.

    2. Your life will become entirely yours.

    Responsibilities have always been a large part of my adult life. From commuting to the office to hosting dinner parties for my husband’s colleagues, rarely did my former schedule allot much time for what I—and I alone—wanted to do.

    In the absence of these duties, I found a surplus of time, energy, and excitement to pursue my passions. A candlelight yoga class? An art-house film on a Tuesday that would have been otherwise dedicated to household chores? Cocktails on a school night? Yes, yes, and yes, please!

    I discovered the deliciousness of creating my own schedule and following what called to me rather than what was expected of me—and you are wholly free to do the same.

    What fell by the wayside during your relationship—friendships, hobbies, unread novels, moving to the city of your dreams—are exactly where you left them. Only now you have the time and devotion to give them the attention and energy they deserve.

    3. You will learn self-reliance.

    While I was the master of my own life, I was also the one solely responsible for making sure that such a life worked.

    Going from a dual income to one was daunting at first—until I recalled the gift I had for budgeting pre-marriage, which allowed me to buy my first apartment before I turned twenty. A leaky faucet, a flat tire, a frustrating day? I bought a toolset and watched YouTube videos, befriended our local mechanic, and learned that Rainer Maria Rilke was entirely right when he said that no feeling is final.

    The more self-reliant I became, the more confident—and happy—I felt.

    Should you find yourself in the same place, start slowly but stay determined. Pick one area of your life where you need to become self-sufficient, whether it’s in balancing your checkbook or learning to cook for one. Once conquered, attack the next…and next, and next, and next, until you find yourself surprised that at one time you depended on anyone else at all.

    4. You will befriend yourself.

    With only myself to please and take care of, I embarked on a new relationship—with myself.

    I was tentative at first, much as one is when they first start dating someone new. Would I like a glass of cabernet out of habit because it’s what my husband often ordered, or did I think a Viognier might be a better fit with this dish? Would I like to stay at home and take a bath, or venture out to a café with a newfound friend?

    The more I began treating myself with the kindness and attentiveness I showed toward my husband and daughter, the more I got to know myself on a deeper, truer level, realizing how much of what I did and what I ate and how I acted was an act of either submission or compromise.

    If you’re in a similar position, listen to your needs, honor your wants (within moderation), and tune in to what your heart is telling you. The more you take care of yourself, the better equipped you will be to deal with the conflicting emotions your newfound single status has likely stirred.

    5. You will learn the art of a healthy inner monologue.

    Marriage and motherhood don’t leave much room for listening to one’s inner voice—there’s enough noise as it is. Alone, I was introduced to a whole cast of inner players I had silenced out of necessity for years. Some of these voices were unkind—judgmental, condescending, or tempting me in unhealthy directions—but with time and practice, I learned to conduct inner dialogues that were loving, beneficial, and illuminating.

    As you set out alone, give yourself the time and space to listen to the voices inside of you. Silencing those that are cold or self-sabotaging will allow you to hear the tenderness and determination of others. And, with time, you will cultivate an ability to listen to what is best for you—and the backbone needed to ignore all the rest.

    6. You will find peace with your past.

    Those first few months alone were ripe with recrimination. If only I’d done this; if only he’d done that. How could I have done this; how could I have done that? I was reprehensible, a failure, destined for a future of take-out alone and two too many cats. But, again, with time (a true salve for most things), I realized that the old adage is true: Everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason.

    My marriage was not so much a failure as it was a stepping stone on my journey. I had lost, but I had also learned.

    If you’re bearing similar grief, consider compiling a list of what you have gained rather than focusing on what you’ve suffered; what you look forward to rather than what you miss.

    If you’re anything like me, you’ll find that the greatest lesson of all is that the person you were looking for was right where they were supposed to be all along: within.

  • You Are Beautiful; Can You See It?

    You Are Beautiful; Can You See It?

    Melody and Cindy“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~Confucius

    This is my sister Cindy and me when we were little. If you look closely you may be able to tell that Cindy has Down Syndrome. This was a long time ago and one of my most favorite pictures. I am now fifty-eight and Cindy would be sixty this month.

    I followed Cindy into this world and I was with her three years ago when she left. I am who I am in this world because of Cindy. She taught me all of the most important things about life through being who she was.

    If you have never had the privilege of knowing anyone who has Down Syndrome, you are missing something extraordinarily beautiful. My belief is that they are angels who are here on earth to teach us about beauty. True, real beauty.

    I have some strong beliefs about beauty.

    Real beauty is totally free. It doesn’t cost any money and it’s in abundance for everyone.

    Real beauty feels good. It’s a relief when we recognize it in ourselves and others.

    Real beauty is worth more than money.

    We all are beautiful and beauty is all around us.

    When Cindy looked in the mirror she saw extraordinary beauty, every single time.

    She saw a treasure, a work of art, grace, refinement, happiness.

    She didn’t see what many others saw when they looked at her. She was different looking. She walked funny. She kind of hobbled from side to side. She had a short neck and a fairly large face and her eyes were different. She often did things with her tongue and held her mouth open. Her tongue was thicker than ours so she didn’t speak with the clarity that ‘normal’ people do. She often twisted her words.

    And yet, she was exquisitely beautiful.

    She was nothing more and nothing less than who she was.

    She was pure, precious, and tender.

    She didn’t judge. There was no right or wrong or better or worse with her. No one was less than or more than anyone else in her eyes. Everyone was simply who they were. No expectations. No hidden agendas. No judgment. No measuring up. Ever.

    Somehow I think she saw right into the soul of everyone she met. She saw right into me. I know that. She didn’t see my skin tone or hairstyle or makeup job or weight or size of me. She saw the real being of me. She saw my essence, and because she saw what was real in me I was authentic with her. My mask fell off every time I was with her.

    When Cindy died I made a commitment to live my life with courage to see and reveal my beauty. I also made a promise to look for and see the beauty in others. I am doing that more and more.

    At fifty-eight I now look in the mirror and see lots of wrinkles and fifteen extra pounds that want to stay with me. And I am okay with that. When I look in the mirror now I consciously look for love.

    I look to love myself and what I see before me. I know that all those lines are paths to loving myself and others even more. They are not scars to be erased or covered up. They are lines of living and loving fully. Of sharing and caring for others, and myself, with tenderness and compassion. Just as Cindy saw me. No judgment. No criticism. No agenda.

    Cindy saw me, and she loved me so that I could learn to see and love myself.

    And if I can do that, you can too.

    Today, when you look in the mirror, look carefully to see you.

    Try to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you unconditionally, appreciates you for all your best qualities, and would never judge you.

    If there’s no one who has ever loved and appreciated you in this way, understand that this is likely why you struggle to see your beauty, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

    Don’t worry about an image you think should be reflected back at you. Look for you in the mirror. Don’t focus on the laugh lines; focus on the smile. Don’t home in on the scars; remember the strength that helped you heal. Don’t look at yourself with a critical eye; look for and celebrate the light in your eyes.

    I guarantee if you look carefully, you will see something, someone beautiful. Someone worth loving and caring for. Someone soft and tender and precious. Someone who has a place in this world and a gift to share.

    Someone beautiful.

    You.

  • How Getting What You Want Can Sabotage You

    How Getting What You Want Can Sabotage You

    Winning the Race

    “You can’t win enough. You can’t have enough money. You can’t succeed enough. The only thing that can satiate that existential thirst is love. I just remember that day I made that shift from wanting to be a winner to wanting to have the most powerful, deep, and beautiful relationships I could possibly have.” ~Will Smith

    About a year ago, I made the decision to start seriously working out with weights for the first time in my life. I’ve always been an athlete and in decent shape, but I wanted to test my body and see how much of its physical potential I could realize.

    Besides, I was approaching thirty and wasn’t exactly looking like the same pillar of youth I used to look like.

    Well, needless to say, it worked. Within six months, I got into the best shape of my life I had ever been in. I went from a very unhealthy 170 pounds down to a very healthy, lean, and toned 160 pounds. I felt so incredible, both physically and mentally.

    But then something strange happened.

    I started to slack off, until eventually, I just up and stopped. I lost the desire and motivation to keep going and keep exercising. As a consequence, within a few months, I fell back into the same shape I was in before I started.

    I got exactly what I wanted. I started lifting weights to get into the best shape of my life, which I did. I wanted to get really healthy and fit, which I did.

    So then why did I stop? Why did I slow down? What happened to my desire and motivation to keep going?

    I just couldn’t understand what happened.

    I wanted to find the answer to these questions, so I started doing some exploring, both internally and externally.

    The fact is I was duped. Actually, we’ve all been duped.

    In the modern era, we’ve become an overwhelmingly results-based society. It’s all about the destination. It’s all about goals. It’s all about the achievements, the rewards, the prizes, the medals, the trophies, the paycheck, and the big shiny things we can acquire and stuff into the big shiny house.

    The only problem is this: Nobody ever told us what would happen once we actually got those things.

    If a person sets out to lift weights and exercise for the sole purpose of reaching a weight goal, then where is the desire and motivation to continue lifting weights and exercising going to come from once that goal is reached?

    Some might say, “Well, then you have to set a new weight goal and go after that one!”

    So I’m supposed to just constantly be held hostage by results? I’m supposed to just keep chasing one goal after another, like a cat chasing a string? I’m supposed to become permanently attached at the hip to hitting targets?

    That sounded really monotonous, tedious, and lifeless. No thanks!

    The answer to my questions came to me when I was watching an interview with a man named Elliot Hulse, a gym owner and passionate fitness coach:

    “When we go to the gym with a goal in mind and we just go through the motions robotically, it robs us of the experience of the actual workout. Think about going to the gym just for the workout and not for the goal; not just so that you can put a check mark next to the reps and the sets that you did, but so that you can really become engaged with what your body wants to express.” 

    Like most people, I decided to start lifting weights and exercising to get into great shape. I did it for the sole purpose of achieving an outcome; of getting an end result. The problem with that is, since that was my main source of desire and motivation to work out, I lost that source of desire and motivation once I reached my goal.

    Getting into great shape and becoming fit was an awful source of desire and motivation. My reasons for starting to work out in the first place were bad ones.

    Lifting weights and exercising was nothing more than a means to an end for me. I didn’t do it because I actually wanted to do it. I didn’t do it because I loved the activity itself. I did it for superficial reasons.

    As a consequence, once I got what I wanted, I didn’t care to do it anymore. I no longer had the desire or motivation to keep working out.

    Instead of lifting weights and exercising for the sole purpose of getting into great shape, I should have started lifting weights and exercising for the sole purpose of loving the activity itself; of loving the physical challenge it presented to me as a way to test myself.

    Boom! That was it. That was the answer I was looking for. That was the answer to my questions, and was exactly what I was looking for.

    So, I started over. This time, however, my reasons for working out and exercising changed.

    With my newfound outlook, I completely stopped setting goals. No targets, no projections, and no objectives. I simply told myself this, and reminded myself of it every single day:

    “Love working out. Love lifting weights. Love the challenge of pushing myself to my physical maximum. Love the process. Enjoy it!”

    Not only did I get back into great shape, I felt much better along the way. I didn’t feel any pressure to achieve any arbitrary goals or targets. Working out didn’t become this monotonous task that I felt like I had to do in order to justify an expectation.

    I actually loved working out. I became engaged with it. It became really fun. I became much better at it, and even performed better.

    And the best part? My desire and motivation to work out has never been greater. It’s never faded off. Not even in the slightest bit. It will never run out. Why? Because my desire and motivation for working out comes from an infinite source: The love of the activity and the process itself.

    I transferred this outlook over to my work life as well. I have zero goals in my career. I don’t have a single objective or target set. Instead, I tell myself this, every single day:

    “Love your work. Enjoy working. Be the absolute best you can at what you do. Provide as much value to every single person you work with as possible.”

    To this day, I’ve never been more successful, happy, and fulfilled in my career. I’ve progressed much further than I ever did before since adopting this new outlook. I feel liberated and unshackled, like I’ve lifted a huge mental weight off my shoulders.

    Results are always the biggest imposter. Goals are always the biggest distraction. They’re a trap. If you do things for the sole purpose of achieving results and goals, then you’re robbing yourself of the opportunity to really become fully enthralled, intimate, and engaged with the process and journey itself.

    You’ll sabotage yourself.

    You don’t have to set goals to get results. Results are simply a natural consequence of enjoying something and doing it well. Results are things that come to you. They’re not things you can get.

    By prioritizing the process itself as opposed to what you can get from it, you create an endless source of desire and motivation. You liberate and unshackle yourself from the traps of results-oriented thinking. You’re able to do what you love with less pressure, less tension, and less stress.

    Not to mention, you’ll still get the results you want. Often times, you’ll get even better results than before.

    You might be thinking, “What if I don’t enjoy the process I’m doing?” Well, perhaps it’s time to move on. Quit. If something doesn’t make you happy, or makes you miserable, is it worth it to continue that process in the long run?

    Or, you can simply change things up a bit. If lifting weights is a process you don’t enjoy, try bodyweight exercises. Try resistance training, like kayaking or swimming. Keep changing things up until you do find something you can truly love and enjoy taking part in.

    Besides, if you find yourself truly unhappy doing something, there’s a good chance that whatever goals you aim to achieve won’t actually satisfy you anyways, or make it feel like the price you paid was worth doing something that made you feel miserable the entire time.

    The process is the most important thing. It’s the journey itself that yields the greatest rewards; that makes you feel awake, present, engaged, and alive.

    “Happiness is in the doing, not getting what you want.” ~Jesse Wallace

    Winning the race image via Shutterstock

  • Pushing Yourself to Try When You’re Afraid of Failing

    Pushing Yourself to Try When You’re Afraid of Failing

    You Only Fail When You Stop Trying

    “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.” ~Beverly Sills

    Before I became a teenager, I developed a characteristic and a disease that went hand-in-hand: I was a perfectionist, and I had an eating disorder.

    While my perfectionism was helpful in succeeding at things such as school and sports, the same perfectionism helped to fuel a dangerous relationship with my own body.

    Fortunately, I received treatment in high school, and I learned to handle my issues related to anorexia and bulimia in healthy ways. This process was neither easy nor simple, but I felt cared for in the arms of recovery. It wasn’t until years later, when I was out of college, that the safety of recovery felt far away.

    Felt far away, I should emphasize. It was tantalizingly within reach, but I was reluctant to seek its grasp. This reluctance was based on my fear—not my fear of asking for help (I had done that before, after all), but my fear of failing at recovery.

    Since I relapsed into an eating disorder in my twenties, going back into treatment felt daunting—I let myself go too long in sickness and poor health, physically and emotionally, because of my trepidation.

    Certainly, one fear was based on living without a disease I had grown to depend upon, but another fear was my unwillingness to ‘fail’ at treatment—if I couldn’t be perfect at it, why bother?

    In the end, this fear kept me from receiving the help I desperately needed. I did not want to disappoint others (or myself) by entering recovery and failing. My disease affected not only me, but also my family and friends. Could I really subject them to the hope of my recovery, only to disappoint them?

    Eventually, I reached the point where I knew I was either going to die by this disease or live another way. As scary as recovery felt, I knew I had to try at life. And that meant trying again at treatment, even if it took several tries.

    Entering recovery—or rather, my long putting-off of entering recovery—was not an easy or perfect process.

    Like a normally calm person losing their temper, I finally had to abandon my pride (I don’t need help! I’m not that bad! Recovering means settling!), and accept the inevitable: I did need help, the disease was that bad, and recovering meant much needed (and deserved) health.

    Through the process I learned that I deserve a life of recovery, no matter how hard it can be, and I also learned how to find the success in moving past the fear of disappointment and into a mindset that strives to try.

    The end result is not guaranteed, and you may even fail, but we can find joy and resolve in the effort.

    Are there areas in your life you have felt the fear of disappointment? Perhaps a new job opportunity, or going back to school? Sometimes pursuing relationships or new passions and hobbies can create this anxiety.

    The process can seem overwhelming, and the fear of failure can loom large. But what if the fear of disappointment did not dictate what we tried to do and who we tried to be? How can we feel confident in trying?

    1. Think it through, but don’t over think.

    Any new undertaking involves discernment and time to think and weigh the options. But sometimes when we overthink, we may talk ourselves out of opportunity due to fear instead of into a worthwhile adventure.

    This doesn’t mean you should take a leap and then tune out your thoughts and feelings. There is something to be said about your instinct and what your gut is trying to tell you.

    When I finally reached out to a therapist that was recommended to me, I did not have a strong connection with her. But my time with her reinforced that healing was possible, and she led me to another therapist who was a better fit and has been instrumental in my recovery.

    2. Find value in the process.

    Some projects in life have definite finish lines, but other times we are called to continue growing. In both cases, the process itself is essential to the work being done. Once I settled into therapy, I was reminded that mental health does not operate on linear time—celebrating simple or little success helped me see the bigger picture.

    For those embarking on a new adventure or trying to undertake a new project, it isn’t too uncommon to worry oneself so far into the future that we struggle with the realities of the present. I know I began to fear how I would handle recovery in future situations, like while on vacation or out to eat with friends. But in each day of the process, I discovered more of my own strength that allowed me to continue on, even in the face of unknowable circumstances.

    Focus on each step of the journey and the outcome will take care of itself.

    3. Talk away the fears.

    Fear and disappointment can ring loudly inside your mind. Letting them out and bringing them to light can help diminish their power. When I sat the people in my life down and explained to them that I was seeking therapy once again, I saw the concern and love in their eyes, and that erased my fear of their disappointment.

    Having the right people in your life who can listen to your fears is a great gift. Allow yourself the freedom to recognize these people and the value they bring. If you struggle to know who to reach out to, consider the power of your word in journaling, poetry, or song writing (or even wordless body movements—dancing, painting, and sculpting, and so on!)

    You may not be able to completely let go of your fears, but expressing them may help you find the courage to act in spite of them.

    4. Find value in yourself, despite the imperfections.

    Since recovery—ten years in—I certainly have failed, by some standards for sure. I have not always made the best decisions. But what has made me successful is the resolve to absolutely never settle into how I used to think.

    My recovery was successful the moment I decided to try. Being patient with the process and gentle with myself even when I experienced setbacks allowed this success to continue.

    Give yourself credit for making an effort and you’ll find yourself motivated to continue.

    Ultimately, we may not be perfect, but we will not be doomed so long as we try.

    You only fail when you stop trying image via Shutterstock

  • What Creates Abusive People and How to Release Your Anger

    What Creates Abusive People and How to Release Your Anger

    Peaceful Man

    “The biggest problem for humanity, not only on a global level, but even for individuals, is misunderstanding.” ~Rinpoche

    Through the course of the relationship he was dishonest, emotionally manipulative, and unkind. It was subtle at first—do we really sign up for this on the dating application? But the acts wound their way through like a slow vine that eventually kills a tree. When it ended, he handled it atrociously.

    It took me many months to process it all, facing things I had suppressed in denial. When the shock wore off, I had a desire to let him know how he traumatized me—to outline all the ways in which he made me uncomfortable and how unbelievable and disgusting his behavior was.

    I wanted to punish him.

    I wanted him to understand that his actions—secrecy, meanness, disregard—were simply not the way you treat someone you supposedly love, someone that cares for and supports you.

    I knew I had my own issues to work out around why I chose to stay in this kind of dynamic, but I somehow thought a really good apology on his part would at least validate my experience and hike me back up onto the pedestal on which I deserved to stand.

    I wanted to believe that somehow my words would enlighten him—that understanding my experience would affect and change him for the better.

    And I tried! My goal honestly wasn’t to get all prison gangster on him. I just wanted my pain recognized; to feel regarded and important.

    I wrote a few letters that I thought diplomatically captured my hurt and positioned him perfectly to validate me and apologize. That apology would never come. In fact, when he did respond, it was in the form of anger, denial, projecting or minimizing. 

    When engaging him didn’t work, I turned inward. I created little pieces of art that depicted him with a huge ego and small…other parts. (I did not send those. One mature point for me there.)

    In time I accepted that the recognition and apology were clearly not going to happen.

    But the anger kept surfacing, and it was getting annoying. I had read volumes on the notion that “the behavior of others is about them, not you.” Logically I understood this, but I remained stuck in a purgatory. I couldn’t fully connect to and let go of the hugely distracting resentment.

    Then a curious thing happened. As I began to learn the deeper roots of why a person mistreats another, the anger dissipated.

    This didn’t require an individually detailed personal history to construe. They were facts that can be generally applicable to anyone that displays habitually abusive or destructive behaviors. They came through lots of therapy and research as I sought understanding I would never receive from him.

    It is this:

    When a healthy person behaves in a way that hurts others, they take responsibility for that action and make amends.

    I was dealing with an unhealthy person.

    There are people who, because of an abusive childhood (emotionally, physically, or otherwise), navigating their way with a narcissistic or extremely controlling parent, or suffering other emotional trauma, developed protective mechanisms early on to avoid dealing with the shame and violation they experienced.

    These mechanisms can start in the form of an inflated sense of self, denial, or even a secret life. They are ways to create “emotionally safe” conditions that allow them to experience freedom, “love,” or accomplishment in a way they didn’t have access to through healthy means.

    Emotional stability was the most immediate, basic human need. But they had to learn to achieve it at a time when core values—such as respect, honesty, and empathy—may have not been fully developed.

    When this person fails to deal with their pain and anger into adulthood, they never outgrow their early emotional survival skills. As these mechanisms take on an increasingly functional role, values that the person eventually came to understand (or claim to adhere to) become secondary to protecting their emotional safety.

    These methods weld to their identity: they can live without the values but not without the relief their emotional protections provide. They develop into practices such as criticism, disconnection, projection (applying their transgressions or perceived shortcomings—whatever they don’t want to own about themselves—onto their victims), lying, and addictive behaviors.

    What a healthy person considers a normal relationship negotiation or expression of personal needs, or even when life demands the basics of responsibility of regard for others, the unhealthy person perceives a threat to their vulnerable sense of self and unleashes their behaviors to maintain the emotional “safe place.”

    Their abusive techniques essentially produce short term (false) feelings of success, confidence, or acceptance that feel uplifting and comfortable, especially when the alternative is to face a reality that is filled with perceived failure. 

    In my experience, there was often no discernable threat when my ex displayed inconsiderate, bizarre, or hurtful behaviors.

    For example, if his sense of self was feeling particularly low—despite my adoration and support—that may have meant him blatantly ignoring me in a social situation to drink and flirt with other women. He often met requests to accommodate my schedule or needs with indignation. Playing with my son started to turn antagonistic to the point where I’d have to intervene.

    Mere days after we ended our relationship, he claimed he had become “emotionally connected” to a new lover. A couple of weeks later he purposely paraded her in front of me and my children, yet completely ignored us. I couldn’t fathom what I, much less innocent children, had done to deserve that.

    Even long before this absurd “new lover parade,” trying to have open, mature dialogue about the effects of his behavior, even in the most non-threatening way, resulted in projection, disconnection, or playing the victim.

    There they were: the mechanisms to cushion himself from the emotional pain associated with having to take responsibility for his behavior (that he most likely regretted or felt ashamed of already).

    The crazy-making boomerangs hurled at me made me realize the relationship would never grow into the beauty I had envisioned for myself, and if I stayed in, I would have to live with only erratically and unreliably receiving the things that were important to me: honesty, respect, commitment, kindness, empathy.

    And that’s when a giant light bulb shone on my anger. His mechanisms for achieving emotional “stability” occurred in direct conflict with some of my deepest core values.

    Anger is not a primary emotion; it is created to avoid core hurt feelings such as being disregarded, devalued, or rejected. And I felt all of those things every time my values were trampled.

    Anger isn’t a measurement of something negative in your life; it’s a signal to reaffirm your own boundaries and values. 

    With emotionally unhealthy people, we’re not talking about mild immaturity or self-centeredness—we’re talking full-scale inability and unwillingness to recognize responsibility for their actions. And almost anyone is subject to the pie-flinging.

    The slightest thing that he could translate into a question of his principles, responsibility, or regard for others resulted in anything from stonewalling to an aggressive verbal assault. I observed it wasn’t just me: it was his siblings, parents, the mother of his children—anyone he felt was “locked in” to him enough to have to swallow his behavior.

    When I could finally understand that his motivation wasn’t to devalue me—that his destructive decision-making processes existed long before I came along—the adage “Don’t take anything personally” finally, fully came to life for me.

    I was able to dissociate from the anger and focus on the more critical issue: regaining control of my life and all the wonderfulness of me. He was stuck in his own tornado, but I had a choice to live differently.

    There are still moments where a tiny part of me wonders “Why won’t he change?” Because the fact is, he could. We are all capable of extraordinary growth. He chooses the comfort of the known; though disappointed, I can now accept that the disregard, disrespect, and uncompassionate behavior I experienced weren’t a matter of my value or importance.

    I never thought it could be possible, but the love I feel now being alone with just my kids and my friends is more fulfilling and inspiring than having a partner I couldn’t trust to live by the values of basic human kindness when life gets challenging.

    Understanding allows me to hold a prayer for peace for him in my heart, while I live my own life of opportunity from a place of strength and joy.

    Peaceful man image via Shutterstock

  • The Keys to Finding Happiness After a Traumatic Childhood

    The Keys to Finding Happiness After a Traumatic Childhood

    Sad Child

    “It is never to late to have a happy childhood.” ~Tom Robbins

    A few days ago, when my older brother and I were sorting through old family photos, we found a picture of us from when we were about five and six years old. We were smiling. Just two kids full of life with no idea of what was to come.

    This was before the start of all the rage—before all the pain and an unfortunate series of events.

    My childhood was rough. I know some people may wish to return to those young innocent years of playing outside and going about our way without a worry in the world. However, if I had a choice to return to my childhood, I would hesitate at the gate.

    At the tender age of eleven, I was snatched from my home. I didn’t know why, all I knew was that my mother had done something bad and that my siblings and I had to be removed for our safety.

    When I was old enough to understand what had happened, I learned that my mother had gone to a mental institution to receive help and counseling for her anger.

    I used to think, “Well, everyone gets angry,” but this was different.

    Her words were a bit too harsh, her actions a bit too unpredictable, her impact a bit too negative. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying and wondering why I just couldn’t live a simple, happy life like the children in movies.

    Recovering from a traumatic childhood can be extremely difficult, especially when taking into consideration how valuable our childhoods are when preparing for adulthood. As of today, although my mother is generally in a more stable mindset, I can still hear the sound of her voice shouting threats I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

    When attempting to deal with a traumatic childhood, I feel the first solution that comes to mind is to forget it. However, trying to pretend that something did not happen doesn’t fix the negativity it has already enforced.

    When I first entered college, I saw it as an opportunity to get away from home and interact with others. With this in mind, I left my family home, but brought all the effects of my childhood with me.

    Throughout my high school years, I had become agoraphobic. I barely left my house and it pained me to attend school. When I entered college the same pattern persisted.

    I was scarred and I blamed my mother.

    She was the reason I was so negative, vain, and alone. I finally came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to dwell on the past, allowing it to devour me inside out. So I eventually had to learn to let go, which proved more difficult than I first perceived.

    The first step to recovering from a childhood of physical, emotional, or mental abuse would be to attack it at the source. I mean standing head to head with what happened and not running away. We must accept that it happened and admit that it has affected us.

    When I attempted to dispose of my issue by running off to college, I forgot that it was still the reason behind my negative attitude. I would try so hard to disguise the fact that something was wrong and that I was unhappy.

    I thought it made me look weak and defeated. However, accepting that something is wrong takes even more strength than trying to pretend that everything is all right.

    It also allows you to take control of your life and put yourself on the path to healing.

    After determining that I was indeed affected by my mother’s explosive fits of rage, which led to other events throughout my childhood, I needed clarification as to why all of these things had occurred.

    I wanted to get to the bottom and dig up the roots of this issue in order to seek closure. So I sat and spoke with my mother, something I had never done. She explained to me that anger disorders had always been prominent in her family.

    She informed me of the time my grandmother killed a puppy trapped under her barn because the noise kept her up at night.

    She also told me how my grandfather went into explosive fits of rage after coming home from a night of drinking. At one point he even attempted to hit her with an axe. I then realized that my mother’s behavior did not come from her genuinely despising me, but was a direct reflection of what she’d experienced during her childhood.

    With this, I knew that I had to change because I did not want to continue to spread this lineage of anger.

    When we ask questions and gain clarification, we begin to achieve a sense of peace or relief that we finally have the answers and can learn to move on. When we choose to run away from our problems, we never get the clarification we need to move forward.

    Another important step on the journey to recovery is learning to define our happiness by ourselves. Quite often, we tend to dwell on the challenges of our childhood and blame them on one particular person, or blame them for our current unhappiness.

    Not to say that our traumatic childhoods had no effect of our adult lives, but rather the reason we are still unhappy is because we’ve chosen not to recognize these effects and properly address them so that we may move forward.

    If you choose to remain in a state of unhappiness due to the challenges faced during childhood, you will never be able to find peace.

    During my high school years, I would always blame my mother for my childhood experiences, and I concluded that my childhood experiences were the reason I could not be successful or accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish.

    I felt my childhood had made me a victim, and thought that was the reason behind my unhappiness and overall instability.

    What I came to understand was that I was still unhappy because of the fact that I viewed myself as a victim. I was still unhappy because I held on to my childhood. To me, it was a valid explanation for all the things I felt I could not do.

    I became a happier person when I began taking responsibility for my own happiness. I stopped blaming my mother for every horrible thing that had ever happened to me and I stopped blaming my childhood for my failure.

    One of the most common mistakes we make when referencing our traumatic childhoods is comparing them to others with “normal” childhood experiences. When we compare ourselves, we are taking away from the essence of who we are. Our childhoods, traumatic or not, are a part of who we are and what makes us, us.

    Take a look around and think of where you are now. You may have a beautiful family and the career you’ve always wanted. As for me, had I not had such a traumatic childhood I wouldn’t be able to write this post and help someone else by sharing my story.

    Think of all the good things that have come from your experience and you might just begin to be thankful you had it.

    One of the major lessons I’ve learned throughout my entire journey is that sometimes you just have to let go and trust that everything will turn out okay. Moving on from the past is stressful, especially when we feel as if we have an obligation to fix something that can no longer be fixed.

    We also tend to look to the past for answers to current situations. By doing this we are unintentionally taking away from present moment. Holding on to my traumatic childhood prevented me from moving forward with the rest of my life.

    It wasn’t my childhood preventing me from accomplishing things; it was my negative perception of myself. When I finally decided enough was enough, I began to look at things from a different angle.

    Maybe it wasn’t my fault or anyone’s fault for that matter—it doesn’t matter. What does matter is finding happiness once again and being content with what happened in my past without allowing it to become a burden.

    We sometimes get this clouded illusion of how life is supposed to be, but truth be told, you have to fight through some bad days, to earn the best days of your life.

    Sad child image via Shutterstock

  • Who Says We Have To Be Happy All the Time?

    Who Says We Have To Be Happy All the Time?

    Im Sad Be Happy

    “Develop a mind that is vast like the water, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can appear and disappear without conflict, struggle, or harm. Rest in a mind like vast water.” ~Buddha

    When I think about having to be happy all of the time, I feel a certain kind of pressure. Sure, it’s different now then it was. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t cycles when I question everything.

    Sometimes I can catch myself thinking that everything would magically fall into place if I had all the success I want in my career, the happily-ever-after relationship without any issues, or anything else I seemingly need.

    Happy enough that I didn’t care, I’d walk around like a beaming light where everyone saw my radiance and adored me.

    It’s a noble wish. I can envy those who seem happy all of the time and seemingly have it all together. The problem is, it’s a dream of perfection. On a day when I don’t feel happy or like a dark cloud is passing over my head, I can feel I’ve failed at life.

    The pressure to be happy actually makes me unhappy. And when I feel sorrow or pain or depression, I can fear it’ll never go away. I worry the prize of arriving to this Big Beautiful Happy Life isn’t mine to have in the first place.

    Here are three things I’ve learned to get through the lows that have helped me change the way I view my life and myself.

    1. Moments of real connection often stem from acknowledging our struggles.

    Sometimes when I was in the dumps, I wanted to hide and isolate myself. But shared moments of loving connection didn’t always have to happen when I was my happiest self. 

    When I look at my closest friendships, I realize what helped form them into solid, supportive relationships were through moments of shared vulnerability.

    True intimacy came when I revealed what I was feeling or what I was going through, opening up to a deeper emotional honesty.

    Not feeling afraid to share truthfully what was going on for me allowed another person in more profoundly. And because of this, others felt safer to be real with me. They didn’t worry I’d judge them for how they felt on any given day and I’d have compassion.

    It’s the heart where true connection lies, not just in times of laughter and shared happiness. And forming a loving bond through times of difficulty gave us more appreciation for the shared joys that did arise.

    I learned how to do this though without being in a victim mentality. If I shared what I was feeling with a sense of neediness or wanting the other to help me, fix me, save me, it was harder to be around me.

    But if I shared with a sense of 100% responsibility for my feelings and issues, others trusted I would take care of myself without having to do anything for me.

    I could say, “I’m having a difficult time and this is what I’m learning about myself.”

    My intention for self-awareness and an interest to solve my own problems with humility gave people space to be with me without feeling burdened.

    And this in return (although not expected) allowed reciprocity.

    2. Peaceful acceptance is more important, and more sustainable, than happiness.

    I can be hard on myself.

    This idea of a perfect life—to not be messy, mixed-up, afraid, and feeling small—makes those days when I’m down much harder.

    Now, I just let those dark days be. Or more than that, I know even though those times suck royally, I’m growing.

    Now, I focus on what can make me feel peaceful rather than happy. There’s a lot more room then to get stronger and bring back the fire that seems to have left me.

    I do grounded, simple things that bring me joy—like knitting, reading a good novel, seeing a play, or taking a long walk in a different neighborhood.

    These small moments of taking the day easy and allowing with grace brings me inner-balance, which I discovered is most needed in these kinds of down-and-outs.

    Just chilling out and taking the strain off helps me feel more present, alive, and clear. And that is far more sustaining than the elated, euphoric states I can have when something great does happen for me.

    Those super-over-the-top kind of happy moments are fleeting and transitory. They pass by quickly as I return to daily life.

    Creating peace rather than striving for constant happiness gets me off the hook. Free of drama, stress, and anxiety, I take it easy even if I still feel messed up. Then, I’m even keel and that’s a lovely feeling.

    It’s really kind of refreshing. In reality, I don’t have to do anything or get anything to be happy. I just get to be me.

    3. Periods of uncertainty do pass, but it’s how we hold them in the present that matters most.

    I’ve learned I can feel down when I’m not feeling on purpose or when I’m unsure of what’s next.

    Not knowing what’s going to happen, I can fear I’ll be stuck in the muck, unsafe, unlovable, and not enough.

    That in-between space is uncomfortable and disquieting. If I don’t feel on point, motivated, or like I’m getting what I want immediately, I can think I’ve failed in life.

    As an artist, I can worry my next creative project won’t come or fear I will never fall in love again.

    This kind of future thinking is the death to my happiness—because I can think there’s something wrong with me for not having it all figured out.

    What I do in these times is . . . nothing big.

    I focus on nurturing myself and find the easiest thing I can do. I apply what’s gentle, loving, and kind. I ask my spirit what it needs rather than my ego that’s striving for happiness.

    I accept it as a time to go within rather than seek pleasure without—a gentle time to restore and regenerate, giving myself space to prepare inwardly for the new.

    Truth is, there are sometimes slow moving streams and still pools, and I can’t force a river no matter how much I want to.

    My learning is not to flee from my sense of emptiness but to loosen my grip and relax into the gap. Like a trapeze artist letting go of one bar and reaching for the next, I trust it’s in this very space that the new is discovered.

    I try to honor the passages without forcing anything. As I take tender steps toward my endeavors, I allow the beauty of the next to arise according to its own timing.

    Somehow I’m freer even if I happen to be unhappy. I know it’s not really the truth of my being. And that’s a very cool thing.

    (Kinda’ something that makes me happy . . .)

    What gives you a sense of peaceful aliveness? In what ways can you connect more with others? How might you meet transition cultivating a sense of “easy”? And how might all of this give you more permission to be?

    Be happy image via Shutterstock