Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • The Art of Being Happily Single

    The Art of Being Happily Single

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.

    I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy breakup.

    So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.

    I’m thirty-one and single!

    Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?

    Now what? Where to start?

    I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:

    “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

    Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.

    But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

    So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only thirty-one-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.

    In my research, I learned some important truths about being single: (more…)

  • 100 Reasons to be Grateful Today

    100 Reasons to be Grateful Today

    Be grateful

    “Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy.” ~Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

    I began my gratitude practice at a time when I desperately needed help seeing the good in my life.

    Several failed relationships and a broken heart had left me blind to the incredible gifts the Universe had given me, and I was rutted in depression for three years. I couldn’t seem to focus on anything besides what I had lost. Happiness seemed like a cosmic joke.

    The more I focused on what I wasn’t grateful for, like the love I had lost, the less I focused on doing the things I loved.

    Depression is common, and it happens to many of us at some point. But the longer I chose to wallow in it, the more impossible happiness seemed. After my third year of depression I seriously considered whether life was even worth living.

    Then I came across Zig Ziglar’s empowering audiobook A View From the Top.

    I learned from Zig how giving to others can help us foster a deep sense of happiness, and how gratitude is the missing ingredient to most people’s success.

    Immediately, I began a gratitude practice, focusing on the important people in my life and the many gifts I had to share with others.

    It was a tough transition because there was so much negative momentum to reverse. Habits are like roads—the more you travel them, the easier they are to follow. But I stayed disciplined with my new habit and chose grateful thoughts even when I felt hopeless.

    Within two years my gratitude practice turned into a lifestyle, and today I’m enjoying the fruits.

    I make a living doing what I love as a writer, and I make a difference in the lives of thousands of people through my work—all because I shifted my focus from what I lacked to what I had.

    The amazing thing is that no matter how much or little I think I have, I always have more! And gratitude helps me see it.

    If you’ve felt gypped by the Universe, here are 100 reasons to be grateful today.

    1. The breath in your lungs

    2. Your hard-working heart

    3. The food that fuels your experience

    4. The ever-present opportunity to make better decisions than your last

    5. Your brain and memory that allow you to learn from mistakes

    6. The freedom to make unlimited mistakes on your road to self-improvement

    7. The endless supply of wisdom people and books provide

    8. The natural talents you were born to share

    9. The challenges that allow you to grow

    10. The accomplishments that have improved your life

    11. The mother and father who gave you life

    12. The Internet

    13. Humor

    14. Sweet doggy friends, or cats, if you’re that kind of person

    15. Warm sun on your skin

    16. The beauty and life in nature

    17. The senses that allow you to experience beauty

    18. Clean drinking water

    19. Health in any amount

    20. The arms, legs, feet, and hands that give you freedom of movement

    21. The favorite song that keeps you going when you feel like giving up

    22. The artists who struggle to create beauty for others

    23. The gift of language

    24. The ability to read

    25. The ability to learn from the mistakes and achievements of others

    26. The help that is always there when you ask for it

    27. The roof over your head

    28. Piercing stars in a clear night sky

    29. The inspiration that sweeps you out of your comfort zone

    30. The people who’ve dedicated their lives to inspiring others

    31. The kids who remind you to be playful and adventurous

    32. The ability to connect with family and friends anywhere in the world (Skype)

    33. Carrots (If you don’t know about carrots, click this link)

    34. Family farms that are committed to providing organic and sustainable foods

    35. The fresh start you’re given every day

    36. Rain

    37. Hope

    38. The pain that reminds you of the need to change

    39. Our dreams

    40. The people who pray for you every day, without you realizing it

    41. The hard times that made you who you are

    42. Automatic rice cookers, refrigerators, air conditioning, and every little convenience that saves you time

    43. Bare feet on grass

    44. All the organisms in the soil that support life on earth

    45. Electricity

    46. All of the amazing teachers who helped you reach your potential

    47. Each failure that led to your achievements, and everyone who encouraged you to keep going

    48. The “haters” who helped you build resilience by saying, “No, you can’t!”

    49. The fact that every bit of food you need to be happy and healthy is just a short drive away

    50. The garbage men who keep streets clean

    51. The random smile that got you through your last impossible day

    52. That one cashier who you can always count on to brighten your day

    53. Photosynthesis, and the fact that nature’s beauty works to keep you alive

    54. The one friend you’ve been able to count on through every stage in your life—even if that friend is you

    55. The new friends you’ve yet to meet, and the amazing times you haven’t yet experienced

    56. Your favorite spot to recharge when you’re overwhelmed

    57. Sunsets that make the sky explode with incandescent pinks, peaches, purples, oranges, and golds

    58. Your education

    59. Every single one of the trillions of cells in your body that work hard so that you can experience life

    60. That one mule of a person who challenges you to be kind when it’s most difficult

    61. Grandmas and Grandpas who helped make childhood so special

    62. The special people who filled spots where parents or grandparents were missing

    63. Bananas and peanut butter (or your favorite treat)

    64. Fresh baked baguettes that are crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside (and other delicious food)

    65. The spiritual growth you’ve accomplished (give yourself some credit!)

    66. The renewal of spring

    67. The relaxing sound of trickling water

    68. Gardens with fresh herbs, even if they’re just on your window sill

    69. YouTube, for whenever you need to troubleshoot your car or computer, and especially when you need a laugh.

    70. All the quotes that inspire you

    71. Good cheese, and underrated philosophers

    72. The doors that closed on opportunities you wanted but didn’t need

    73. The windows that opened when you almost gave up hope

    74. All the serendipitous occasions that remind you never to lose faith

    75. Everything coconut-related: oil, water, ice cream, flour, cream pie, etc.

    76. The hardships that transform us into more capable, understanding, giving, and forgiving people

    77. The impossible, for inspiring us to expand our limits

    78. The hot showers that completely change your perspective on life

    79. Gluten-free bread that doesn’t suck

    80. Hearing good news

    81. Making good news for others to hear

    82. The little depressions that remind you to fight hard for happiness

    83. The anxiety that reminds you to feel your emotions so you can learn from them and let them go

    84. The fact that you are unconditionally loved and accepted

    85. A really good cry

    86. Sex

    87. New life

    88. Beautiful men and women (look in the mirror)

    89. The rituals that give security and meaning to daily life

    90. Your favorite things

    91. The ridiculous people you can always count on for a belly laugh

    92. Little touches from people you love that make everything okay

    93. Little munchkins who you can never be with quite enough

    94. The good examples who’ve inspired you to be your best

    95. The bad examples who illuminated the paths you shouldn’t take

    96. The movies, music, art, celebrations, and people that remind you just how good it is to be human

    97. The you from yesterday you get to compete with today

    98. Refreshing walks that calm your mind and ease your spirit

    99. The ability to change your whole life with one good decision

    100. The option to be grateful no matter where you are or what you’re experiencing

    —

    Gratitude is the most important choice in your day—and you can find things to be grateful for everywhere if you look hard enough. If you liked this list, try making your own at the end of each week and put it in a gratitude journal. Your life will effloresce, I promise.

  • Is Your Life Really as Perfect as It Looks on Facebook?

    Is Your Life Really as Perfect as It Looks on Facebook?

    Retro woman with phone

    “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.” ~George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

    So would most women.

    This is the way we have encountered life so far. Better to show the world just the socially acceptable and shove the rest under the rug. That’s where the hard truths go.

    But we all know the trouble with the rug. Stuff builds up under the rug and eventually you land on your face. Hard truths don’t go away.

    Social media is exacerbating the historical tendency to present only the pretty, so we’re justifiably, and understandably, really scared about putting the hard truth out there.

    Naturally, we don’t post that our relationship is in trouble, or that we’re going to lose our business, or that we have a physical illness, or some deep emotional stuff that we’re working through, or that we’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, or depression, or have an addiction.

    If we did, it might bring a whole slew of support, but it’s also a high-risk maneuver.

    I saw a meme the other day that read, “May your life be as amazing as you pretend it is on Facebook.”

    It made me laugh out loud. And I’m as guilty as anyone.

    I’m a big advocate of transparency and vulnerability. I’ve written publicly about my eating disorder, as well as depression and anxiety. Those were big.

    But you are unlikely to see me online yelling at my kids, crying after I’ve argued with my husband, or first thing in the morning, pre-caffeine and make-up.

    Recently, on Facebook, I posted a playhouse that I’d sanded it down and re-painted for my kids. I felt pretty damn pleased with myself.

    Here’s what I didn’t post.

    I actively encouraged my four-year-old to watch TV for a lot of the day while I painted.

    The next day my husband yelled at my six-year-old for turning on the electric sander without supervision. She cried. I was annoyed with him for watching rugby and not helping me, even though I didn’t really even want his help. I wanted to take credit for doing it all myself, and I did.

    This is hardly egregious behavior. It’s not super high on the shame scale. But still, I just posted the happy ending. My two girls standing by the white picket fence smiling.

    Actually, it’s a grey picket fence, and I think that’s a great metaphor. Because our lives are never black and white. A lot of life is grey.

    Having a crappy day (or week or month or year), getting the odd bit of road rage, feeling bitter and twisted toward our co-workers, worrying about our appearance, feeling overwhelmed and rushed, disliking the behavior of our children, getting sick—that’s grey.

    We’re ashamed of the grey because we think it is unacceptable.

    But the more unacceptable thing is to choose not to acknowledge it, and to pretend we’re not human. Because clearly we are.

    Part of being human is smiling kids, cute playhouses, and happy families. A big part. A beautiful part.

    But it’s not all of it.

    By ignoring what we perceive as not so beautiful, we do ourselves a disservice. We do our fellow humans a disservice. Because we are not telling the hard truth.

    But the reason we are not telling the hard truth is because it is hard. It feels way too vulnerable.

    We’ve all felt the pain of judgment, whether from ourselves, or from others. It’s a hard thing to recover from.

    It brings up shame, and nothing keeps you quiet like shame. Shame ensures we take the safe option. Picnics with our kids, holidays, sunshine, and happy faces.

    And you know what? This is okay. In the meantime.

    I don’t believe in feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Fear, like any other emotion, has something to tell us. Fear believes it is trying to protect us. So I believe in feeling my fear, acknowledging my fear, honoring my fear for what it’s trying to protect me from, and then letting it know that I’m doing it anyway.

    I wonder, can we honor our fear and allow it to help us be more vulnerable, and more real? To help us show up more? Little by little?

    Can we recognize our shame and our denial, too, and thank them for their role? Can we listen and learn so we can move on?

    Shame, denial, and fear are like misunderstood bad boys. They’ve put up a wall. They are trying to protect you from judgment, because they know how much it hurts.

    Shame will tell you that you can never let anyone know, because whatever it is doesn’t measure up.

    Denial will tell you that if you don’t engage with the hard truth, it can’t hurt you.

    Fear will tell you that courage is a lofty goal you probably can’t reach.

    Like with bad boys, you know in your heart that it’s not healthy to stay in the relationship. You’ve got to learn from the relationship and find a way to leave as gracefully as possible.

    When I experienced depression and anxiety, I had a close relationship with all of them.  

    I wanted to believe there was no problem. If there was a problem I could explain it away with something else.

    I wanted to believe that if I just tried harder, these symptoms would go away. And try I did.

    I wanted to be courageous, but I couldn’t.

    I wasn’t ready to leave denial, and this resulted in a very difficult few years—for me, for my husband, and for my babies.

    When I did leave, I found a way to sort through the grey. Shame and fear were still frequent visitors. They needed time to let go.

    We all needed time to integrate. And this was okay. Not at the time so much, but in hindsight.

    Here is some of what I’ve learned about shame, denial, fear, and courage that I hope will help you:

    1. There was actually nothing wrong with me.

    Shame, fear, and denial stepped in because I thought there was. But there wasn’t.

    2. What was wrong was that I was basing my perception of myself on society’s perception of me.

    I was caught up in people-pleasing and perfectionism and trying to be someone I wasn’t. I had no idea how to handle my emotions, and no idea how my thoughts about myself and my emotions corresponded. This resulted in a long trip down to the bottom of the barrel, and a steady climb back up.

    3. There is something wrong with society’s perception of mental health issues.

    We change that one by one, by individuals understanding that society’s perception is the problem, and allowing ourselves to be honest about that. That is the truth, but it’s still a vulnerable statement, and becoming vulnerable is a journey.

    4. There is something wrong with continuing to seek the white picket fence and ignoring the grey in life.

    It’s not serving us well. We change that too by working toward transparency. Transparency is also vulnerable, and for me has been a work in progress.

    5. When we recognize that everyone has some kind of issue (it’s not just you), we gain courage.

    And trust me on this. Everyone has issues. Kind of like everyone has a belly button. When you come into this world, you get both.

    —

    Opening up and being transparent, whether to family or friends or online, is risking engaging with shame, denial, and fear. It’s risking deafening silence or unhelpful comments.

    It’s not always going to feel safe. It’s not always going to be safe. You should feel no pressure to do it if you haven’t had a chance to work through the stuff that you need to work through.

    But it is something to work toward, little by little. Because grey is a very pretty color, really. And the truth, although hard, is still the truth.

    And only the truth will bring us closer to love.

  • The Good News About Feeling Bad (And How to Get Through It)

    The Good News About Feeling Bad (And How to Get Through It)

    “To honor and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It’s whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime.” ~Robert Johnson

    There’s nothing worse than having a bad day (or week or years…)

    Or when emotions take over and carry us away.

    Or when our relationships bring challenges.

    Or when we endure great loss.

    Or when we wish that just once when things started getting good, they stayed that way.

    But difficult times are really offerings that show us what no longer serves us. And once they’re cleared, they no longer have power over us.

    No one, including myself, wants to feel bad. After decades of trying to overcome depression and anxiety, one day, I finally stopped trying to fix myself. I then came to the amazing realization that there’s really no problem with me.

    This is what set me free:

    Several years ago, my parents both died of cancer, I had many miscarriages, my husband and I divorced, and my dog of sixteen years had to be put down.

    It was intensely difficult, and I fell apart. I hardly recognized myself. At the same time, even in my darkest hour, I knew in my gut that I would somehow get through it.

    In the midst of my mid-life crises, wondering when and how I would get over the debilitating, soul-crushing loss, I trusted myself not completely, but enough. 

    During that time, I made a new friend whose father had recently passed. I invited him over for a bowl of my famous Italian chicken sausage lentil soup.

    He was angry and confused. He was in shock. I picked up my soup in the palms of my hands and said to him, “Grief is a big bowl to hold.”

    At any given time, without knowing why or how, grief can overcome us in a number of aching expressions.

    We get super pissed off. Or we want to hide. Or we push away those we love, and wall off. We want to numb the pain. Or cover it up.

    Seemingly insignificant annoyances trigger us. Perhaps a token, memory, or random happenstance wells us up.

    We all mourn in different ways, wanting more than anything for it all to end. And we sometimes pretend that it’s over when it’s not.

    Someone once told me that there is grief and frozen grief.

    Frozen grief is grief that got stuck like water passing from a liquid to a solid state—a cohesion of molecules holding together, resisting separation. Like a Coke in a freezer, it can burst.

    Warmth and equilibrium are what’s needed to nurture it. But there’s not a single temperature that can be considered to be the melting point of water.

    I read once that after suffering a great loss, it takes two years to heal—or at least have a sense that the trauma is now of the past, even if not “over.”

    At two years, I was doing better but I still wasn’t great. I worried then I was frozen.

    Cheryl Strayed wrote in Brave Enough:

    “When you recognize that you will thrive not in spite of your losses and sorrows, but because of them, that you would not have chosen the things that happen in your life, but you are grateful for them, that you will hold the empty bowls eternally in your hands, but you also have the capacity to fill them? The word for that is healing.”

    Cheryl Strayed knew about the bowl too.

    It took four years, and then one day, I saw the clouds disperse and the sun rise. I was frustrated it wasn’t two. It was four. But that’s how long it took me.

    In the grand scheme of things I can look back now and see all that I learned and how I grew. In my most broken hideous moments the most magical thing happened.

    I came to love my big, beautiful, messy self. I came to accept her like nothing else.

    As much as I missed my mother and father, the husband I loved, the babies I didn’t have, and the dog that replaced them, I came to a place of loving myself like my own parent, my own spouse, and my own child.

    I was all that was left. And if that was it, then by God I was going to love her.

    And what did loving myself really mean?

    It meant accepting myself enough to allow myself to be a mess.

    To not apologize 100 times for every single mistake, or kill myself over them.

    To humbly say to others and myself, this is it.

    And then, somehow, I started to accept others like myself. They got to be messes too. And my heart opened. And I could love again. And I let love into my big, beautiful bowl of lentil soup.

    Here are some tools to help you love yourself as you feel all that you’re feeling—the good and the bad.

    1. Accept feelings without judgment.

    Use this question:

    What if it didn’t matter if I felt ________ or not?

    Then, fill in the blank with whatever you’re judging yourself for. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is.

    Let it be, without doing anything with it or trying to make sense of it, while holding a loving container for yourself and the people around it.

    2. When an emotion is carrying you away, identify the feeling by narrowing it down to one of these:

    • Anger
    • Fear
    • Sadness/Grief
    • Joy/Loving

    Our feelings are layered. Underneath anger is fear, under fear is sadness, and under sadness is our heart, where our joy and loving lies. 

    This formula can guide you in uncovering each of your emotional experiences to come to your heart more quickly.

    For example, after my mother died I was angry. I didn’t know why I felt so angry until I cleared through the layers.

    I discovered I was mad that she left me. But the anger wouldn’t have subsided until I identified the fear underneath it: I was terrified of living life without my mom, and I was shutting down my vulnerable feelings to protect myself.

    Of course, under the fear was tremendous sadness that she was gone. In order to heal, I needed to feel the tears rather than suppress them with anger and fear.

    Once I could touch the tender, fragile parts inside, my tears had permission to flow out whenever necessary.

    When my tears emptied, the sadness lifted and was replaced with enormous love, compassion, and gratitude for my mom. When I thought about her it didn’t come with pain anymore. I think of her now only with happiness and joy.

    3. Realize that spirals both descend and ascend.

    When we hit a particularly difficult downward spiral, we have the opportunity to focus on raising our frequency.

    In these times, I meditate more. I choose not to fuel the negativity by talking too much about it with friends. I clean up my diet. I go to yoga—whatever I can do to make a positive adjustment toward self-loving and self-care.

    I find something to ground me. It could be as easy as taking the garbage out (literally!), jumping into a creative project that fulfills me, or taking a walk in the sunshine—anything to find the scent of the roses.

    4. Know that after good experiences, “bad” things will happen.

    After expansion, we always contract. And that means nothing about us.

    Life brings us lemons so that we can discover how to go deeper and closer to our true selves. Once we’ve hit one level, there’s always another.

    We can have some good days where everything is great, and then WHOA, something steps in that challenges us to grow.

    I’ve come to accept that I will eventually lose momentum after being in the flow.

    The good news about feeling bad is that when we get thrown off course, each letdown strengthens our spirit when we find our way out.

    “Downtimes” are our ally. Without “bad,” “good” wouldn’t exist, and just like life, we learn to roll with it. What’s most important is how we acknowledge and validate our being human as truly enough.

  • Calmness Is Contagious, Even If You’re Faking It

    Calmness Is Contagious, Even If You’re Faking It

    Man meditating

    “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

    We had just reached cruising altitude, and my friend and I were settling in for the eight-hour flight from Tokyo to Honolulu. Exhausted after spending the day in the airport, we were excited to finally be in the air with beaches awaiting us at our destination.

    Jered and I were on an adventure around the world flying with standby tickets to any destination that had open seats. Even though we had been trying to get a seat to Bangkok, then Sydney, then Seoul, then Frankfurt, and then Paris, all with no luck, we decided to take the only available seats on the last plane of the day.

    After getting comfortable we decided to pass the time by racing each other in solving our Rubik’s cubes (what can I say; this is what we did for fun). It turns out this odd hobby was about to help me on the road to improving my inner calmness.

    “BANG!” We hit sudden, unexpected turbulence from a winter storm. I only remember two things: my stomach squishing into my throat as we hit an air pocket and a little girl in the aisle flying to the ceiling.

    Thankfully, there was a nearby flight attendant who heroically jumped, caught the girl, and curled up on the floor before she got hurt. 

    The plane was jerking violently in all directions. People were screaming. The pilot was on the intercom saying something, but no one could hear it over the chaos.

    Throughout the maelstrom my friend and I stayed focused on our cubes, continuing to spin their sides as we attempted to solve them before the other could. While my exterior seemed calm and focused, in my mind I was screaming.

    My hands were clammy and it became harder to keep my hold on the plastic toy in my hands. I was afraid I was going to die.

    The worst of it was over in twenty or so minutes, but the flight was still rough for several hours. As the sun started to rise and the flight had been calm for a couple hours, passengers slowly started to liven up again, chatting with the people around them about the experience.

    Having spent the time focused on the cube in front of me, I was surprised when the guy sitting next to me said, “Man, I was freaking out. I was about to lose it, but then I looked over and saw you two just playing with those things. You two were so calm that it helped me calm down too.”  

    This struck me as odd since I felt the same way he did, just internally. But soon other passengers sitting around us around us started chiming in, sharing the same experience. It seems a wave of collective calm slowly rolled over the back of the plane helping to ease some of the tension.

    Without being aware of it, I projected calmness to the people around me. They in turn became calmer. And ultimately my internal fear started to fade away as well.

    It was a surreal experience, but it became clear to me that calmness was contagious, even if I was only faking it.

    In many meditative traditions a calm, clear mind is often said to be like a still pond under a full moon. The smooth surface is transparent, allowing the moonlight to clearly illuminate the bottom of the pond. It is also like a mirror, reflecting back in perfect detail the moon and the night sky.

    Unfortunately, however, our minds are not always clear. The surface is full of ripples that make it hard to see the bottom and distort the image of the moon. While these ripples are sometimes created by the wind or the environment, most of them are caused by rocks dropped into the pond; rocks created in our minds.

    These rocks are emotions like anger, hatred, or fear. Often without realizing it we are constantly throwing these stones into our ponds, never letting it return to stillness.

    Returning to a calm mind is simple. Just stop throwing rocks and let the waves calm down on their own. Despite this, we often try to calm our minds by throwing more rocks into to pond.

    Sometimes when I can tell my wife is upset with me, but tells me nothing is wrong, I start to provoke her, “What’s wrong? I know something is wrong! Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong!?”

    I genuinely want to calm things down but, as you can imagine, I end up making her feel worse because I continue to throw rocks instead of letting things calm down on their own.

    When we do stop throwing rocks, though, the effect can be powerful and lasting. As we are interconnected with others, the stillness of our mind, the refusal to throw rocks, can help others find the same peace.

    When people see that your mind is clear it helps them realize that they too can let go.

    I still think about that flight from time to time, but mostly when I’m flying. I used to be a fearless flyer, but even today I feel pangs of panic, that squirt of adrenaline down the back of my neck, every time a plane bumps or shakes.

    However, as I’ve increased my awareness of my own emotions, I can sense when I’m holding a rock and then I set it down.

    Here’s an exercise to try. Next time there’s something or someone causing you distress: stop talking. Pause and take a moment to take a few deep breaths. Begin to watch your thoughts and note the upsetting ones. Don’t ignore them, just notice them. These are your rocks.

    As you notice anger or hatred forming in your mind, imagine it as a rock. See yourself holding that rock, poised to toss it into your mind. But instead of throwing it, picture yourself gently setting it down beside you. Take a deep breath. Let it go.

    Practice this when you can. Not only does cultivating calmness have tremendous effects on your personal state of mind, you never know how big an effect you may have on the others around you.

    Photo by oddsock

  • 21 Easy Ways to Create a Calm Mind (Without Meditating)

    21 Easy Ways to Create a Calm Mind (Without Meditating)

    “Learn to calm down the winds of your mind, and you will enjoy great inner peace.” ~Remez Sasson

    While juggling a full-time job and my writing, I found it easy to lose track of the days. Weekends ceased to exist, and my life ebbed and flowed between working and writing, the two constantly blurring into one another.

    I dragged myself from day to day without a moment’s rest in between. When I did rest, I’d feel guilty for taking a break from working on my dreams, and it didn’t take long for the guilt to turn into frustration.

    I wondered whether I’d ever reach my dream of writing full-time, if and when it would ever come.

    I intended on using every free moment I had from my job to write, without realizing the true consequences of what I was doing. And by constantly pushing myself forward, I never gave my mind the space it needed to shape and form my thoughts; I never allowed myself to simply be, which resulted in all kinds of mental blocks and frustrations that met my writing progress head-on.

    I was on my way to burnout, and fast, and I knew I needed to make a change. So I turned to meditation. It helped me become more mindful throughout the day and approach my writing from a new angle of clarity.

    As I began to incorporate mindfulness into my daily routine, I found it easier to give myself permission to relax and unwind from the pressures of my day job, rather than simply filling every moment with something more to do.

    Mindfulness Goes Beyond Meditation

    While meditation can help you become more attuned with your mind, you already possess all the tools you need to reap the benefits of a quiet, calm mind.

    By simply tuning into the small things in life, you can work your way towards a greater happiness and fulfillment in your own life. Here are twenty-one ways you can boost the quality of your mind without meditating.

    1. Create a mindfulness mantra.

    As Eckhart Tolle says, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” Every morning I remind myself that my new life starts today, which helps me step into the now and connect more deeply with the present moment and separate myself from the worries of my mind.

    2. Remind yourself you’re not your thoughts.

    Whenever a negative thought occurs in your mind, simply identify it as a “thought” or “feeling” and move on. You’re not scorn or regret, and you’re not self-doubt or anger. You’re separate from your thoughts, and they’re separate from you, so why dwell on them?

    3. Accept that thoughts arise naturally.

    And if you can’t change them, then why bother trying to replace them with different and “better” thoughts? Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t control, but don’t ignore them either; simply move past them and choose not to identify with them, even as they cloud your mind.

    4. Breathe.

    Take a long breath through your nose and breathe it out through your mouth. This can help to calm you and remind you that your thoughts are a small part of the infinitely vast world around you.

    5. Thank someone in any way you can.

    Even the small act of saying “thanks” to a cashier can reconnect us with the present moment, and it can also prevent us from becoming stuck in our own thoughts, which block us from enjoying life as it comes.

    6. Smile at a stranger.

    Smiling helps focus our attention outward to the people around us, and by reconnecting with this gratitude for others, we can connect more deeply to the present moment and remind ourselves to simply be.

    7. Go for a nature walk.

    Go for a walk and fade into the environment around you, and listen for sounds you’d otherwise have missed.

    8. Keep a daily gratitude habit.

    Keeping a gratitude journal helps pull us away from the stress of the day. It also forces us to appreciate life as it comes and find the good in every day.

    9. Leave your phone on silent all day.

    You can also turn off your phone’s notifications, as these can be distracting and pull you away from the present moment. Your messages will still be waiting for you there later when you’re ready to go through them.

    Turning your ringer off can also stop each disruption from clogging your mind and blocking you from the peace of mind you could be having throughout the day.

    10. Eat slowly.

    Focusing on the texture and the taste of what you eat can help remind you that while all feelings are temporary, it’s important to truly experience the moments as they come, rather than letting them pass you by.

    11. Drink tea.

    Tea can help calm your nerves and slow down your thoughts and connect you more to the present moment.

    12. Take a bath.

    Baths can help you relax by forcing you to take a step back from the bustle of the day, and they can be a great way to let your worries fall away as they fade into the heat of the water.

    13. Listen to instrumental music.

    It’s proven to boost your ability to focus, which can raise your quality of mind and help you relax when your thoughts won’t stop coming.

    14. Tackle one of the most stressful things on your to-do list.

    While it’s important to be mindful despite the demands of your day, don’t avoid completing a stressful task on your list if it’s giving you unneeded anxiety. If you need to finish your taxes, for example, but keep putting them off, then it might be useful to complete them to get rid of the stressful thoughts that come from procrastinating.

    15. Have a deep conversation with somebody you know.

    Fully focus on the other person and listen to what they have to say. By not simply waiting to say our piece, we can help pull ourselves out of our own heads and connect more deeply to the moment by showing appreciation to the people we talk with.

    16. Watch your favorite show.

    It’s important to take time out of our day to reward ourselves, and indulging in a simple pleasure like watching a show we like can help us step away from our worries and enjoy our free moments from the bustle of life.

    17. Write a haiku or any restrictive poem.

    This can challenge you to be creative in ways that free-form writing can’t do, and can help you recapture a moment in your life that was pleasant but fleeting.

    18. Do a word puzzle.

    Crosswords can help your mind be creative and can boost your intelligence, as well as the overall clarity of your thoughts. They can also provide a break from your daily routines, all while being fun to complete.

    19. Do the dishes.

    Doing the dishes can be a great way to take a break from life, and also be productive while you’re at it. Cleaning dishes can help you feel great, and it pulls you away from your current thoughts, which, in turn, can give your mind permission to relax and recharge from the stress of the day.

    20. Stare at a piece of art you love.

    Whether it’s the Mona Lisa, a poem you like, or a drawing that your spouse made, nothing is off the table here. Art is subjective, and it can help you feel and fully embody the moment by showing your appreciation for the work of others. (Just don’t think about why you like something, as that’s not important here).

    21. Pet a dog or cat.

    Feel the fur beneath your hands and the softness of their skin. Petting an animal can help release our tensions and connect us to the moment, and can pull us away from our thoughts.

    Sometimes we’re so busy focusing on ourselves that we forget to enjoy the moments as they come. We become trapped in the confines of the day-to-day and the span of our own goals, and we forget to enjoy the beauty of life and the little things.

    Being more mindful helped remind me that all good things come with time, and there’s no sense in working so hard if you don’t enjoy life as it comes. It helped me escape the pressures of my job and embrace my writing without allowing it to consume my life, and it helped remind me to enjoy life again by tapping into the power of the present moment.

    We All Have Time To Be Mindful

    Mindfulness doesn’t have to be time-consuming or all-encompassing. You can easily use any of these techniques throughout your day to calm your mind and keep yourself fixed in the present moment and free from your worries.

    Just don’t forget to stop once in a while and breathe it all in.

  • 3 Ways to Cultivate Gratitude and Boost Your Happiness

    3 Ways to Cultivate Gratitude and Boost Your Happiness

    “Gratitude can turn common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” ~William Arthur Ward

    Living in India for more than two years now has been an eye opening experience for me, as I’ve realized how I used to take so many things for granted. While growing up and living in my home country (Bosnia and Herzegovina) in Europe, I was lacking gratitude for all the blessings that surrounded me.

    While sitting in our penthouse apartment in the New Delhi suburbs, in an air-conditioned room, still feeling the need to chill with a cool water or a mango shake due to the intense heat (which can reach up to 118° in the summer), I could observe the construction ground across from our building.

    Constructions workers would come in at 9am and work for twelve hours, with only a short lunch break, without proper safety equipment, chilled water, or any shaded cover to rest.

    While they’d wipe sweat from their face, I’d imagine how hot they must be feeling, as I was sweating even in an air-conditioned room.

    Some of them were working together with their wives, who would help them earn their daily wage (equal to $1).

    These women would carry piles of cement and bricks on big pots on their head, from one side of the construction site to another, sometimes climbing many stairs as well. In my home country, I never saw women working on construction grounds or carrying such heavy loads on their heads.

    Their children would play in front of the construction ground with sand and small rocks, as their parents could not afford to send them to school.

    I thought about how, in my home country, children often complain that they “have to” go to school and people complain about how tough their jobs are. These people in New Delhi could not even dream of sending their children to school or having an eight-hour job in an air-conditioned office.

    The wives who didn’t work on the construction ground would work in our building as maids. One of them cleaned our home. Every day she came in with a water bottle, which she’d cool in our refrigerator, as they did not have an electricity, not to mention a refrigerator, in the slum where she lived with her family.

    After cleaning our home, she’d run back to hers with a chilled water bottle in her hands, almost losing her breath, as if she was afraid the heat might warm that water before she would return. Then she wouldn’t be able to cool her small children, who were waiting in the heat in a slum without a fan.

    Since that day, I never look at the ice cubes in my drink the same way I once did. Ice cubes were just pieces of frozen water, until I saw that for some people, even chilled water is a luxury! Ice cubes are a symbol of wealth and abundance to me now.

    I suddenly became grateful for all the things I am blessed with in my life, even the small things, like ice cubes, chilled water, nutritious food, a fan, an air-conditioner, mosquito repellent in the night, clean running water in my home, electricity—not to mention the “big” things, like an opportunity to get educated, to grow up in a beautiful home, which was warm in winters and cool in summers, my job, the power to choose my own husband.

    I never thought I should be grateful for choosing my husband. Yet, in a place where arranged marriages are still tradition, I realized that it was a blessing that I was born and raised in an environment where I could fall in love with a man and choose to marry him.

    Although arranged marriages do work here, and I see people fall in love after marriage, or at least create a relationship based on kindness, mutual respect, and care, I feel so grateful every day that I had a chance to choose the man I thought was the right for me, with my parents’ blessing and best wishes.

    We often take the things we have for granted, yet in many other parts of the world, there are people who would feel blessed and happy if they could enjoy them on a daily basis.

    If we just take a look around us we could find so many things to be grateful for.

    Some of the practices that can help us to cultivate the feeling of gratitude in our life include:

    1. Gratitude journaling.

    Keeping a gratitude journal, where we note all the things (or at least three things) we feel grateful for every day, can be a powerful reminder of how blessed we are.

    Noting down even simple things—like a delicious dinner we enjoyed, a warm home, a cup of tea or coffee, time spent with our beloved—can be a powerful practice to keep us grounded in a positive mindset on a daily basis.

    2. Creating a list of possibilities and blessings.

    It helps to write a list of all the things we are blessed with, things we usually see as givens, that in other parts of the world are not available to many people.

    So many women around the world still do not have the right or the opportunity to get educated, and so many children cannot attend school or University due to lack of financial resources. According to WHO, 12.9% of the world’s population (over 1 billion people) is undernourished and will probably go to bed hungry tonight.

    Millions of people around the world do not have an access to clean, running water and electricity, which in Western countries we usually take for granted.

    Having a roof over our head, a warm room, a meal on our plate, a degree or opportunity to go to University, electricity lighting our home, and cool water in summers are all big reasons we can feel grateful every single day.

    3. Shifting our perception.

    Instead of feeling sad and frustrated about being single, we can look at this same circumstance from another perspective—as the freedom to be able to choose our partner and wait until we find the right one. This simple shift can help us move from a negative emotional state to a state of gratitude.

    In the same way, we can shift our perception of looking at other things, like the job that we don’t like or our living conditions.

    When we catch ourselves complaining about housework, we can see it as a blessing that we have our own home and, as a result, clean it with gratitude.

    Instead of feeling annoyed that we have to cook dinner, we can feel grateful that we’re able to afford groceries. We can also consider it a blessing that, in this modern era, we do not need to manually wash our dishes or clothes.

    When we catch ourselves complaining about the job we hate or feel bored with, we can feel grateful that we have a job and regular income that can pay our bills.

    We can also be grateful for small things, like air conditioning in our office, having weekends off, or the fact that we don’t need to be exposed to harsh weather conditions or safety threats every day, like so many people in other corners in the world.

    There’s nothing wrong with trying to achieve more and move ahead in life, but we can never be truly happy if we do not appreciate what we already have.

  • How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity (And How to Stop)

    How Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity (And How to Stop)

    “Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better.” ~Unknown

    When I was about sixteen or so, one of my parent’s friends got into some trouble with the law. When we’d visit him he’d often shake his head from side to side and mumble, my life is in the toilet.

    He said it many times, for many years, even when things seemed to have gotten better for him.

    My life is in the toilet was his mantra.

    At the time I thought it was funny, so I adopted it for myself, until one day I started to believe it. I’ve since dumped that charming phrase and gotten a new mantra.

    Things haven’t magically become ideal for me since I did that. I mean, there’s this pinched nerve in my neck and those construction sounds across the street, and I could really use some more work, and…

    Type of Drains

    Everyone complains, at some point, at least a little, says Robin Kowalski, PhD, a professor of psychology at Clemson University.

    There are different types of complainers, according to Kowalski, such as The Venter. The Venter is a “dissatisfied person who doesn’t want to hear solutions, however brilliant.”

    Venting. We’re just letting off steam, right? Maybe not. I’ve personally found that the complain drain can be soul draining, not just for the complainer, but for all within earshot.

    Other types you may have met along the way (or may be yourself) are the Sympathy Seekers, the I got it worse than you do, and the habitual everything sucks folks.

    The Chronic Complainers, those living in a state of complaint, do something researchers call “ruminating.” This basically means thinking and complaining about a problem again and again. Instead of feeling a release after complaining, this sort of complaining can actually make things worse. It can cause even more worry and anxiety.

    No one is suggesting you be a peachy-keen-Josephine and pretend all is swell when it isn’t. What I’ve learned in my mindfulness practice is to aim to do the opposite.

    In mindfulness meditation, we try to experience fully the truth of the situation, in this exact moment, and allow it to just be. Easier said than done (but what isn’t?) Still, with practice, the need to express our dissatisfaction for things not being how we’d like them to be lessens.

    Can’t We Just Call Roto-Rooter?

    Running with this drain analogy…

    Call Roto-Rooter, that’s the name and away go troubles down the drain!

    When I was a kid I loved singing along to those Roto-Rooter commercials. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could “away go troubles down the drain?” Well, maybe we can.

    Most of us may have been unintentionally reinforcing the nasty habit of complaining, by virtue of… complaining.

    There’s something called “experience-dependent neuroplasticity,” which is the continuing creation and grouping of neuron connections in our brains that take place as a result of our life experiences.

    Neuroscience teaches us that neurons that fire together, wire together. Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist, coined that phrase back in 1949. What this means is that whenever we think a thought or have a feeling or physical sensation, thousands of neurons are triggered and they all get together to form a neural network.

    With repetitive thinking, the brain learns to trigger the same neurons each time.

    So, if you keep your mind looping on self-criticism, worries, and how nothing is working out for you, your mind will more easily find that part of your brain and will quickly assist you in thinking those same thoughts again.

    This shapes your mind into greater reactivity, making you more vulnerable to anxiety.

    Imagine a truck driving down a muddy road. The wheels create a groove in the mud, and each time that truck drives down that exact spot, the groove gets deeper and deeper.

    The truck might even, eventually, get stuck in that mud rut. But it doesn’t have to. Instead of repeating the same negative complaints, we can drive our thoughts on a different road so we don’t get stuck in that negative mud rut.

    Throughout our lives we are wiring our brains, based on our repetitive thinking. We get good at what we practice.

    If we worry, creating more unease and anxiety, we become stellar worriers since our brain is responding, making it easier for us to worry each time we do it, thus creating our default mode living.

    Default mode living is our habitual way of going about our lives. It’s our reacting minds as opposed to our responding minds.

    Our reacting minds are often knee-jerk reactions to something. We often say or do things that we’ve said and done in the past, as if we were in that default mode living, on automatic pilot. But our responding minds come into play when we give ourselves a pause before responding to a situation.

    We ask ourselves what’s really going on and what the next best step is. It’s a clearer response in the moment that’s not linked to past responses. So, how do we respond instead of react?

    4 D.I.Y. Tips – Stop The Drain!

    You’re stuck in traffic and not only are you complaining out loud to the cars that are in your way, you’re imagining getting home and complaining to tell your significant other all about it. You’re practicing this conversation in your head while in the car. Your heart races, your forehead tenses up. It’s all so very annoying! What to do?

    1. Catch yourself.

    During meditation we soon find out that our minds will wander. The moment when we notice it wandering and we bring it back to our focus, our breath, that moment is what one of my teachers calls “that magic moment.”

    The catching yourself is the practice. Also, the not judging or berating yourself for having a mind that thinks thoughts. All minds think thoughts. That’s their job.

    So to stop the drain:

    • Catch yourself in a complaint.
    • Stop complaining.
    • Congratulate yourself—you’re aware!

    2. Be grateful.

    I’ve tried it; I simply can’t seem to complain and be grateful at the same time!

    I’m stuck in traffic, but I’m grateful to have a car. I’m grateful for the song that’s playing on the radio and the sunny day.

    It doesn’t matter what you’re grateful for; it can be the smallest thing, just notice. Complaining could very well be the evil twin of gratitude. Favor gratitude.

    3. Practice wise effort.

    In Buddhism, wise effort is letting go of that which is not helpful and cultivating that which is skillful.

    In the book Awakening the Buddha Within, Lama Surya Das breaks down wise effort into four aspects, the first one being, restraint: “the effort to prevent unskillful thoughts and actions.”

    Make the effort to pay attention and catch your complaining, negative thoughts before they become words.

    Try it out and see how it feels. You might be surprised as to where you habitually have been putting your energy. Everything takes a certain amount of energy.

    Next time you find yourself caught in a complaining loop, pause and regroup. Make the choice to put your energy elsewhere. The more you do this, the easier it gets.

    4. Make a new groove.

    Just the way our thoughts created that groove to make negative thoughts easier to replicate, we can create a brand new groove for pleasant feelings.

    The more often we allow our minds to remember the good stuff, the easier that kind of thinking becomes.

    Do you want to be the person who’s never satisfied and can always find fault in others, yourself, and the world at large? Or would you rather be someone who sees things as they are and finds a way to make peace with it? Let’s pretend it’s up to you. Oh, wait, it is up to you.

    So, what do you say? You don’t need Roto Rooter to flush your troubles down the drain. Just make a new groove.

  • 20 Life Lessons I Learned In My Twenties

    20 Life Lessons I Learned In My Twenties

    Osha Key
    Photo: Osha Key

    “The Universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that.” ~Rumi

    I remember when I was a kid, “thirty years old” sounded very old and mature. “Someone who is thirty clearly knows everything about life and has it all figured out.” That was my assumption.

    Life taught me that not only thirty-year olds, but most people in general have no clue what they’re doing with their lives and why they’re here.

    Although I’m far away from knowing all the answers to life’s biggest questions, I feel like my twenties have been such a learning curve.

    I lived in eight different countries, changed careers, started my own business, transformed my body several times, met my soul mate, overcame major challenges, and it feels like I’ve become a completely different person.

    I recently turned thirty and it made me reflect on the last decade. Although it often seems like life doesn’t change much and every day is the same as the last, when I look back at my life it feels like I’ve traveled to a parallel universe.

    I’d love to share the life lessons I learned in my twenties.

    1. How other people judge us is none of our business. We won’t please everyone anyway.

    I spent my teen years and early twenties worrying about what other people thought and said about me. But later in life I realized that it could only affect me if I allowed it to.

    What other people say or think of us is a reflection of them—their values, expectations, insecurities, and standards—and has nothing or very little to do with us.

    People who are wise and/or know who we truly are will not judge us, as they see and know our essence. And those who don’t, we can’t control their thoughts and actions.

    2. Admitting mistakes and apologizing is a sign of strength, not weakness.

    I used to think that apologizing was a sign of weakness and used to play cool and ignore my mistakes. But now I think that the sign of weakness is being full of yourself, having a huge ego, and trying to pretend to be right, no matter what.

    When I noticed how much I respect people who admit they are wrong and apologize, I embraced this behavior myself. It feels liberating.

    3. No one is perfect; we’re all works in progress.

    People might seem like they have their lives together and live perfectly, especially if you judge them by their Instagram pictures. However, when you get to know people more intimately and they open up, you see that even the most successful and seemingly perfect people have insecurities and problems. Some of them have even more than you could ever imagine.

    My life, too, may seem perfect on the outside: I love what I do, travel a lot, live in the tropics, and have an amazing partner. But I still have plenty of challenges and ups and downs in my life—you just won’t find about them on my Instagram account.

    4. Living according to our values and truth is the most satisfying thing in life.

    Determining my main values in life (which are currently health, freedom, connection, and contribution) has put me on a journey to growth. It’s given me clarity and strength to make difficult decisions, like moving countries, ending relationships, and changing careers.

    No matter what you do, if you let your values and truth guide your decisions, it will turn out well, even though at times making these decisions might feel scary and make you feel vulnerable.

    5. Money is just a form of energy.

    I went through periods when I put too much importance on money, as well as times when I criticized money as not being spiritual. It turns out money is just a tool that enables us to do certain things, and it can even help us grow spiritually if we face our patterns or limiting beliefs.

    At the end of the day, money is just a form of energy. The more energy and value you give, the more it comes back (although there’s often a time gap between giving and getting).

    6. We’re not stuck in our reality, our identity, or our story.

    Our sense of self, or identity, is a conceptual fabrication. It’s nothing more than a summation of what everybody else—our parents, teachers, mentors, friends, and society—told us we were, and we accepted as truth.

    We can change instantly if we choose to, although most people unconsciously choose not to. The only thing that keeps us stuck is our own mind. Investing time and effort in mind training, aka meditation, has been one of the most valuable things I’ve done in my life.

    7. Outside circumstances are usually a reflection of our inside.

    Negativity could never affect us unless there was negativity inside of us in the first place.

    Anything that triggers us is a gift, as it points out the areas that we haven’t dealt with or things that are unhealed.

    8. Health is more important than appearances.

    I want to be in great shape because being healthy and fit improves the quality of my life, not because I need to look hot to impress others.

    Although I tried to convince myself that I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me, I still cared a lot—until I learned how to love myself and realized that all I ever needed was a genuine acceptance and appreciation from myself, not others.

    Once we know who we are and are confident about it, external approval becomes less and less important.

    9. Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

    We’re all going through life and doing the best we can with the resources and knowledge that we have at any given time. Let go of anger and grudges, and forgive others and yourself for being an imperfect human.

    10. I’m biased (and so are you) and I know it (and so should you).

    We’re all biased, and realizing that our perspective is neither better nor worse than someone else’s has been both scary and liberating. Letting go of the need to be right and understood has accelerated my growth and allowed me to see the world from many different perspectives.

    11. Loving-kindness moves mountains.

    Whenever I walk with loving-kindness, in my heart, the whole world smiles at me. I mean it literally, not just metaphorically.

    If the world seems like a sad, scary, or unfair place, practice loving-kindness and compassion, and you’ll see from a different perspective.

    12. Listening to our heart, even if it looks ridiculous from a logical perspective, will never fail us.

    All my best decisions in life didn’t make sense. From the outside perspective, I looked like a mad person when I made some of my choices. But there was this inner voice saying, “Even if you don’t know how exactly it’s going to turn out, all is going to be okay.”

    We all have this inner voice; we just need to remove the distractions that hinder us from hearing it, and most importantly, find the courage to listen to it and act on it.

    13. Plans are for adjusting.

    Nothing has ever turned out exactly how I planned. But I believe life always gives us what we ask for. It might not be in the exact form we ask for, though. If you ask for patience, you’ll get a queue in a bank. Life will give you people, opportunities, and circumstances to learn what you need to learn the most.

    14. If we want our relationships to succeed, we have to leave our ego behind.

    Relationships challenge us and facilitate growth. My romantic relationship taught me that trying to be right or holding your pride just doesn’t work if you want it to succeed.

    You have to see a relationship as one ship. If you try to fight and argue and win the “battle,” you’re trying to sink the ship you’re on, so it’s best to see the common goal and common good. This was very challenging in my early twenties but probably the best lesson I’ve learned in life.

    15. Connections are the key to happiness.

    We’re social beings and we long for connection.

    No matter how many cool and amazing things you have going on in your life, if you don’t have people to share it with, you won’t be as happy.

    Surround yourself with people who make you feel your best and recognize who you truly are.

    16. Comparing ourselves to others is the fastest way to feel anxious and unfulfilled.

    It takes practice and self-love to be able to celebrate others’ success, especially when things are not going the way you want to in your own life. But understanding that we’re all on our own journeys has helped me stop comparing myself to others and instead be inspired by others’ journeys and success.

    17. Learning and investing in our skills is the best strategy for future success.

    Physical things, money, even people in our life come and go. The knowledge and skills we’ve acquired is what we carry with us.

    18. Don’t take things personally.

    We suffer when we identify with things, people, circumstances, situations, job titles, and relationship statuses. Embracing the attitude that nothing belongs to us and “all just is” has been very liberating and has brought ease and joy to my life.

    19. Other people don’t always want our help.

    We have to stop forcing our beliefs or trying to help if our help is not welcome.

    I made this mistake way too many times in my early twenties. I was always passionate about helping people, but it took some time and bad experiences to realize that if someone’s not ready for your help, they will not accept it, and you might even do damage rather than service.

    20. Building healthy habits will pay off one hundredfold.

    When I was twenty, I used to smoke, drink alcohol, consume excess caffeine, and eat foods that were unhealthy for my body. And I was fine for a while. When you’re that young, your body can handle anything. But later your body starts tolerating these habits less and less, plus they add stress and your body starts to break down.

    Becoming healthy and changing my lifestyle has been one of the best things I’ve done in life. It gives me so much energy and I feel amazing every single day, thanks to a healthy lifestyle I lead.

    Chances are that on my fortieth birthday I’ll look at these lessons from my twenties and think that I had no clue about life whatsoever. That’s okay. The only constant is change, and humans are consistently inconsistent. I’m can’t wait to see what my thirties will teach me and what kind of person I’ll to become.

  • 5 Simple Words That Can Turn A Bad Day Around

    5 Simple Words That Can Turn A Bad Day Around

    “If your heart is beating, if your lungs are breathing, if you are still alive… then it is not too late to do something kind, creative, generous, satisfying, and courageous. Today.” ~Alexandra Franzen

    It was one of those days.

    You know the ones—when nothing really bad happens, but everything just seems to go wrong. When lots of little annoying things happen and the day seems to spiral from there.

    This was one of those days.

    I had woken up with a headache and decided to hit the snooze button on my alarm (twice) so I didn’t have to face the day yet, which meant I had to rush to get ready and make it to my first university class of the day.

    I ended up getting to class late (and I’m one of those people who hate being late), and as the day went on, things got worse.

    In another class, I found out that we had a test that I had completely forgotten about and hadn’t prepared for.

    Then, later on, I was meant to be meeting up with a group of people to work on a group assignment, and no one came.

    So, by the afternoon I was pretty over it.

    “Could this day get any worse?” I dramatically thought.

    And then it did.

    When I was walking home, I got caught in a rainstorm and discovered that there must have been a hole somewhere in my shoes. I seriously felt like I was in a movie where someone was having a comically bad day.

    As I stepped in the door, I decided that the day was ruined and there was no point in trying to do anything now, but I stopped myself in my tracks with one of my favorite mantras by Alexandra Franzen:

    “Today is not over yet.”

    This mantra shifted my thinking immediately, and I realized there was still time to make the day count.

    After all, it was only late afternoon.

    So, I had a shower and put on dry clothes. I waited for my boyfriend to get home and we headed into town, where we bought mint raw chocolate and kombucha. We walked around the town and through one of my favorite parks.

    We ended up getting burgers for dinner, having a really meaningful conversation, and then going to see a movie.

    When I arrived home that night, I realized how profound those five words had been and how they had helped me completely turn my day (and attitude) around.

    Earlier in the day I could have chosen to give up on the day, but instead, I made a choice to find a way to make the rest of the day count—to do something that was meaningful for me—all because I reminded myself that the day wasn’t over yet.

    My day went from being the worst day of the week to one of my favorite days of the week, even though it wasn’t all good.

    This wasn’t just a one-off experience; I’ve used this mantra so many times, with amazing results.

    There was the time where I felt like I had wasted an entire Sunday and this mantra inspired me to head outside and go for a walk, where I ended up witnessing one of the most spectacular sunsets I’ve ever seen.

    There was the time where I was having trouble getting some writing done, and this mantra convinced me not to retreat to the couch and binge-watch my latest Netflix obsession. As a result, I ended up getting more work done than I wanted to.

    There was the time where I felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong, and I had been in an unhappy mood for days that I just couldn’t shake. This mantra inspired me to spend one hour writing down every single thing that I could think of that I was grateful for, which turned around my day (and mood) completely.

    And this is just the beginning. Time and time again I’ve used these five words to turn my day around.

    I love using “today is not over yet” as my mantra to turn a not-so-awesome day around because:

    1. It is a powerful reminder to find a way to make the day count.

    This mantra reminds me that there is still time to make something good happen, no matter what has happened so far in the day. It reminds me that I don’t need to wait for a new day, a new week (or month or year) to decide to turn things around.

    2. It reminds me that I have a choice.

    And when I’m not having a good day, I can choose what happens from that moment. I can choose to throw the day away, or I can make a different choice and try to find a way to make the day count.

    3. It reminds me to do something (or many things) each day that are meaningful to me.

    It can be easy to fall into the habit of living each day on autopilot, but this mantra makes me re-evaluate how I’ve been spending my “life-minutes” and reminds me to be intentional about making this day—and each day—count for me.

    4. It reminds me to be grateful for each day, no matter what.  

    As Alice Morse Earle said, “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.” And this mantra helps me to be intentional at finding and creating the good in each day.

    So, no matter what has happened so far in your day, if you want to make the rest of your day count, you can!

    To make this day count you might like to:

    • Do something kind for yourself. This might look like doing something you love that you don’t usually make time for, giving yourself a five-minute break to breathe and have a cup of tea, or asking yourself, “What do I really need right now?”, then doing it.
    • Do something productive. This might look like doing that thing you’ve been meaning to do for ages but haven’t gotten around to getting it done, making appointments that you’ve been putting off, or cleaning an area in your home.
    • Do something you wouldn’t normally do. This might look like going to the movies in the middle of the week, or baking a cake even though it’s no one’s birthday, or going for a walk on a trail you’ve never been to.
    • Do something—anything—that is meaningful for you. Something that makes you feel like you’ve made the rest of the day count.

    So whatever time you’re reading this, whatever has happened today, know that there is always time to make the day count.

    The day doesn’t have to be over yet.

    It’s up to you what happens now.

  • How to Raise Your Self-Esteem So You Can Thrive in Life

    How to Raise Your Self-Esteem So You Can Thrive in Life

    “Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    Aren’t you tired of it?

    You know, that sneaking suspicion you aren’t enough.

    That inner commentary about where you fall short all the time. The mean internal remarks about your ability to handle life and how you just don’t measure up.

    And aren’t you fed up with how it’s been holding you back from pursuing what you truly desire?

    A better relationship or more meaningful work. That dream you’ve never told anyone because it just seems impossible when you think about going for it.

    Listen, I’ve been there too.

    My self-esteem was so low that I was eventually overcome by a terrible apathy, which turned into bouts of debilitating depression, which led to even lower self-esteem.

    It was a vicious cycle that started when, as a young child, I somehow disengaged from my true self and my higher power. This disconnection led to many irresponsible choices.

    The worst one was getting pregnant at sixteen and giving my baby up for adoption. It was the right thing to do given my situation, but I was consumed with grief and guilt for years.

    Then there were the addictions I created to cigarettes, overspending, anxiety medication, and alcohol.

    For years, I unconsciously went from one self-destructive behavior to another, rather than connect with and develop myself.

    As you can imagine, all this didn’t exactly build my sense of self-worth.

    Thankfully, I eventually found the courage to let go of the patterns that held me back, reclaim my true self, and recognize talents I never knew I had.

    Step by step, I was able to heal, rebuild my self-respect, and become who I am today—someone who never doubts that she is worthy of love, belonging, and all of life’s riches.

    How I Raised My Self-Esteem and How You Can Too

    1. Take a risk.

    We’re often afraid to show the messy, flawed, and vulnerable part of ourselves to others. But it’s a tremendous relief when you do and someone accepts you just as you are.

    When I finally shared my teen pregnancy and adoption story with a friend, I was so surprised when she told me the same had happened to her, only she had decided on an abortion. In that moment, our connection deepened, and my emotional wounds healed a little bit more.

    Shame vanishes when you receive support and understanding from others. We must stop trying to appear perfect by keeping our perceived flaws a secret and going it alone.

    2. Don’t get stuck in regret.

    Accept the reality that we all make mistakes, and choose not to get stuck in regret.

    Mourn your slip-ups fully, learn from them, and make amends where possible. Then forgive yourself, and let go of the past so that you can move forward, knowing you’ve done your best.

    Try to view difficult circumstances as opportunities to grow in awareness rather than as blows to knock you down. Accept the things you can’t change, change the things that are under your control, and keep heading in a positive direction. Strive to go forward and deeper within as well.

    3. Refocus your attention.

    Rather than focusing on your flaws, pay attention to everything that’s good about you and makes you unique.

    Come up with an actual list, and refer to it often to remind yourself of your strengths. This might include your natural talents, your learned skills, your achievements, your dreams, and even your healthy relationships.

    Cultivate extra self-confidence by choosing one item from your list and honing it further until it turns into something you can be even more proud of.

    You can actively direct your attention to creating the kind of experiences you want in life and becoming the person you want to be.

    4. Strive for integrity.

    Live in accord with life-affirming values such as truth and kindness. You feel proud of yourself when you seek the truth and do the right thing—the thing that gives you a sense of integrity and wholeness.

    Take time to identify what matters most to you. Then measure all your choices and actions against these core values, making sure you’re in alignment.

    Living this way simplifies decision-making and leads to genuine integrity.

    For example, loving-kindness is currently my highest core value. It’s important to me to treat myself, other people, Earth, and all living things with love and compassion. So when I have a choice to make or face a challenge, I often ask myself, “What would love do?”

    5. Develop your self-trust.

    Self-esteem rises when you know you can trust yourself, when you trust your own instincts and intuition over the ideas of others, and when you’ve proven to yourself that you can face disappointment and frustration without becoming destabilized.

    The more you can handle stress by self-soothing and finding strength within rather than escaping into self-destructive behaviors, the more you will trust yourself.

    And the more you honor your core values when facing life’s inevitable challenges, the better your outcomes will be, leading to more self-trust.

    In this way, you can build a sense of security and self-contained confidence that is not based on the approval of others.

    6. Be of service.

    Look around for how you can connect with and help others in your everyday life. Even a smile or a kind word can make a difference to someone else and instantly increase your sense of self-worth.

    Consider volunteering for a cause you care about that needs your particular skills. One of the best things I ever did was volunteer as a head coach in my local Girls On the Run after-school program.

    Empowering young girls to be joyful, healthy, and confident lifted my spirits and boosted my self-confidence. There’s no better feeling than knowing you truly helped someone.

    7. Never, ever give up.

    You must not allow negative thoughts to overwhelm you. Stand up for yourself no matter what. When you choose to be positive, you know you’re doing your best and can feel good about yourself, despite unfavorable circumstances.

    No matter what difficulties show up in your life—even if things seem hopeless—don’t ever give up on yourself. Always choose to channel your energy in a positive, productive direction.

    “Most of the important things in the world,” said personal development teacher Dale Carnegie, “have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

    You: Necessary, Valuable, and Worthy of Reverence

    The truth is, healthy self-esteem requires ongoing vigilance and upkeep. It calls for self-understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, plus large doses of self-compassion.

    It’s a tall order, but it’s worth the effort.

    We’ve all made excruciating mistakes, encountered harsh criticism, and experienced crushing disappointment. We’ve all taken a hit to our self-worth at one time or another.

    But you are just as entitled to good relationships, fulfilling work, and having your dreams come true as anyone else.

    After all, your being born a human here on Earth was, in itself, a miraculous event. It means that your uniqueness is necessary, valuable, and worthy of reverence.

    So don’t cheat us of your gifts by getting stuck in low self-esteem. We need you out here in the world.

    In the words of spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, “You are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are!”

  • We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

    We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

    Deppresive Man

    “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” ~Robert Gary Lee

    It felt like I was being crushed by the weight of the world.

    “Impossible,” I thought.

    It’s impossible that people actually suffer this kind of pain and survive to tell the tale.

    When I thought about it, my stomach contracted as if I’d taken a blow to the gut. I’d gasp for breath and try to find some air through the tears and in between sobs.

    So this is what grief felt like.

    Now I understood why denial is the first stage of grief. How could you endure this kind of agony if you had to face the force of its full frontal attack?

    I felt sick and exhausted. I lay down and, although I expected never to find enough peace to sleep again, I quickly drifted off into a place where there was no more pain.

    When you think of grief, you think about a great loss.

    A death of a loved one, news of your terminal illness, and the loss of your home from the violent winds of a tornado are all acceptable events to grieve about.

    We can understand how any of the above can bring a person to their knees. We expect people to grieve over these losses.

    What we refuse to understand is the grief we feel over the smaller losses. (more…)

  • 6 Empowering Lessons Death Taught Me About Life

    6 Empowering Lessons Death Taught Me About Life

    “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies inside us while we live” ~Norman Cousins

    I am not dead and I am not dying, so you may wonder why I write that death has taught me what I need to know about life.

    I lost my mother when I was fifteen. Being a teenager, thoughts of anyone close to me dying had not entered my head. My mother had a brief illness and passed away unexpectedly at age forty-seven.

    I remember that my schoolmates came to see me, and I kept thinking that they had their moms. More than being sad that I had lost my mom, I was angry that I had been placed in that position. I missed my mom a lot and just wanted her to come back and be with me.

    I started developing a fear that my father would die soon too. When I was in my early thirties, my fears came true when my dad passed away suddenly after a heart attack. He was a skilled physician, a kind man, and more importantly, a wonderful father to me.

    As if my dad’s passing away was not enough, my older sister died unexpectedly a year later. I always considered her a strong person, and I could not fathom how she could have died.

    To add insult to injury, another sister of mine passed away soon after that.

    By then, I had decided that the Universe was conspiring against me. I did not think anyone cared, and I put on an act, pretending to be happy. The truth was that I was buried under the rubble of my fearful thoughts, and constantly worried that something would go wrong.

    The next couple of years passed by with various family mishaps till one day, I lost the prestigious job I had.

    You may wonder why I classify a job loss in the same category as death, as a job is not irreplaceable. To me, at that point in my life, the job loss had the same feeling of injustice that the death of my parents and siblings so early in my life had for me.

    One of my friends suggested that I read books about having positive thoughts. I googled “positive” and started to devour self-help books. I subscribed to Tiny Buddha and spent time meditating.

    I reflected on what I read while drinking coffee in the quiet stillness of the early morning hours.

    I meditated while on the treadmill, and I realized that the answers to my questions had always been within me. I had just let the unannounced and uninvited negative thoughts I had to overshadow the shackled positive thoughts within me, yearning for a release.

    I realized that I was not singled out for anything bad, as I also had a lot of blessings to be thankful for. I had just chosen to not focus on the good in my life. I knew then that I am a survivor. I would like to share my lessons, which I hope will help you face loss of any kind that devastates you.

    1. There is a survivor in each one of us.

    If you have survived even one moment after a tragedy, you are a survivor.

    Yes, there is a sense of utter hopelessness and despair at first, soon after a loss; but every passing moment shows that you can and you will live this life you have been given.

    It proves that you are strong; it proves that you are not a quitter; and above all else, it proves that even if you never forget who or what you have lost, you will not run away from living life.

    After all, life is not about living in defeat.

    2. There is always something that is going right in a person’s life.

    Even in the midst of a tornado of unforeseen circumstances, and all the despair it brings in its wake, there is always something to appreciate in life.

    Even though I lost my parents and sisters, I still had wonderful friends in my life.

    We need to focus on the good in our life and try to be happy. Being sad and focusing on what we do not have does not change the circumstances.

    You can either make a list of what you have, or you can make a list of what you do not have. The first list will bring you peace and happiness, while the second list will bring you only sadness.

    You may have a lot of things that make you unhappy, but if you have even one thing going well, you have to focus on that. I have found that the more I consider the good in my life, the more things seem to come together for me.

    3. Do not take the people you love for granted.

    If you are lucky enough to have loved ones in your life, call them often. Visit them often. Share your life with the people who love you.

    What can be more important than the people you care about, who care about you?

    No one is guaranteed to live a hundred years, and even a hundred years can pass all too fast.

    4. Let go of expectations that events in life need to happen in a certain manner that you favor.

    Life happens, and it may or may not turn out as you hoped it would. You just have to work with what you have. A lot of times, you may be surprised to find that you end up liking what you get.

    Even if you are disappointed that you did not get what you expected, and even if you are upset that you do not have what you want, it is still possible to lead a good life if you can let go of your expectations and find reasons to be happy with what you have.

    Life becomes a lot better when you learn to accept it.

    5. It is not your fault that bad things beyond your control happen.

    Blaming yourself will take you down a long and lonely road with no end in sight. Guilt is a hard taskmaster with no mercy.

    Even the most meticulously thought out life will have unforeseen hardships disrupting the plans.

    You could not have changed the circumstances surrounding the loss. You could not have prevented it in any way.

    Sadly, death happens and life still goes on. When my mother died, it was the day before the Festival of Lights, and all my neighbors were enjoying firecrackers outside in their garden. Life went on. When my father died, life went on. When my sisters died, life carried on.

    I used to wonder where God was till I realized that God is the strength and energy that pulled me through all of these circumstances.

    6. Be open to miracles.

    As long as you are living, something wonderful could happen at any moment. Life may have lows that you never expected and that you did not foresee, but it also will have highs that you never dreamed of that will bring you joy beyond your wildest imagination.

    The Universe does not owe you anything, so be grateful for any blessings that you have. Do not let anything slip away.

    No matter what happens, try to enjoy the life you have. No one else can enjoy it for you.

  • Get Out of Your Head: The Life-Changing Power of Embodying Your Body

    Get Out of Your Head: The Life-Changing Power of Embodying Your Body

    woman skipping

    “The modern individual is committed to being successful, not to being a person. He belongs rightly to the ‘action generation’ whose motto is ‘do more but feel less.’” ~Alexander Lowen

    I’ve always been a little bit scared of my body. And when you’re scared of something, you tend to avoid it at all costs. So that’s what I did for most of my childhood and teenage years.

    I avoided it in lots of different ways, and most dangerously, I avoided it unconsciously.

    I was bought up doing a lot of physical activity—gymnastics, dance, basketball, and horseback riding. Although this wasn’t bad, the perspective I developed was. I grew up seeing my body as a challenge to overcome—something to will into performing better.

    Moving into my awkward pre-teen and teen years, surrounded by an image-obsessed culture where our bodies are displayed in a hierarchy of perfect to undesirable, I started to rank myself.

    It was inevitable that I’d become even more isolated from my body. I stopped playing sports as much, feeling too insecure to lose myself in something I enjoyed, and started feeling embarrassed about my body altogether.

    I had an idea of what I should have looked like, but it seemed impossible to mirror that image without feeling miserable.

    It was as if my body didn’t belong to me anymore. Other people’s preferences determined the way it moved and how it looked.

    I neglected the conversation my body was trying to have with me.

    We are a head culture, and increasingly so. We spend a scarily large portion of our lives inside our minds. Whether it’s on Facebook, talking on the phone, listening to music through headphones, or staring at screens, our physical interaction with the world is limited.

    It’s rare for us to use our bodies physically in any activity. Even when we exercise, we often have the ultimate ego goal of looking good in our minds, not feeling good.

    I realized that my mind had become so loud, and with university coming up and more responsibility looming, it was just going to get louder.

    One day, by chance, I came across bioenergetics.

    Bioenergetics is a form of therapy that seeks to understand personality through the expression of our bodies. Its most fundamental principle is that what goes on in the body affects the mind, and vice versa.

    Essentially, the mind and the body are the same thing.

    This was groundbreaking to me, because I had always thought of myself as two separate entities—the mind in control and the body along for the ride.

    Exploring bioenergetics further, I started to practice calming my busy mind through paying attention to the physical sensations in my body.

    I would stretch every morning, not using any particular routine, just allowing myself to move, and in turn, relinquishing any sense of control over my body.

    I learned to let myself breathe in a way that made me feel good. Not with the shallow breaths I was used to taking from years of sucking in my stomach, but deep, indulgent belly breaths. The satisfaction and happiness I felt from simply breathing deeply was phenomenal.

    I learned that being exhausted doesn’t indicate a “good workout,” but that my body was telling me I had done too much.

    I would go on these intense runs and not even be aware of myself until I was home, sweating, and bright red in the face. Why do we force our bodies to run that extra mile if they’re screaming at us to stop?

    In a society that values power and progress, our bodies can sometimes take the role of subordinate, working beneath our minds.

    We want to achieve more, so we repress feelings of tiredness in the name of getting more done. We ignore tough emotions, like sadness, because we think we have to put on a happy face to the world around us.

    When you listen to your body, you get a greater sense of your emotions flowing within you. Allowing your emotions and feelings to surface and be expressed, as opposed to repressing them, is a recipe for happiness.

    It takes courage to give in to how you feel, but when I started doing this, I wasted less energy trying to hide my real feelings.

    Instead of runs, I tried going for walks, moving slowly and sensually, with purpose, being completely aware and engaged with myself and everything around me. It has proven to be a much more enjoyable experience.

    And why not enjoy our bodies?

    Our heads are a seductive place to live because inside them, we feel we have complete control. But through having complete control, are we really enjoying life more? The gaping void between a mind that can’t be quiet and a body that is a dozen steps behind causes us nothing but stress.

    Sometimes we need to let go of our heads and follow our hearts. To truly experience life is to allow the thinking in our head to mute and the feelings and sensations in our bodies to amplify.

    Next time you’re going somewhere, pay attention to everything you feel in your body as you walk. Try not to plan what you’re going to do when you arrive; just stay very present with your body in the moment you are.

    Think of children playing, and how much excitement and joy they get from just moving and being in their bodies. There is no reason we can’t be like this again. We just need to trust in our bodies—in ourselves.

    I turned against my body and the intricacies of its needs, all in the name of progress—in order to look better, run faster, perform more accurately. I now know that our bodies are our gateways to the world; and unless we are fully living in them, our presence will be limited and the world will pass us by.

  • Release the Stress: Plan, but Know That Plans Change

    Release the Stress: Plan, but Know That Plans Change

    “Failed plans should not be interpreted as a failed vision. Visions don’t change, they are only refined. Plans rarely stay the same, and are scrapped or adjusted as needed. Be stubborn about the vision, but flexible with your plan.” ~John C. Maxwell

    This year started as a complete mess for me.

    After a five-week holiday away from December to January, it was difficult to get back to London and into the swing of things. Not only was I still in holiday mode, but I also came back without a plan.

    I am at a point in my life where I am still exploring where in the world I want to be, what I want to be doing, and how.

    My background is quite varied and broad. I am half Finnish, half New Zealander, but I grew up in Singapore. I came to London for university, where I studied Geology & Geophysics and then Business Management. I also developed a passion for running, which extended into overall health, fitness, and nutrition, thus I started working as a fitness and running instructor.

    I am at quite a fragile point, deciding what path to go down (which field—earth science, business, or fitness; which country—stay in the UK, one of my home countries, somewhere completely new).

    It is a decision made harder by having lots of options and a mind that tends to look for the perfect decision. It results in overanalyzing and overthinking, and leads to procrastination. Even small steps and imperfect action would be better than staying still. But I am just so scared to make the “wrong” decision.

    I know I want to live life doing what I love. I know what I love—the outdoors and nature, health and fitness, running, travel, and exploration. Therefore, I have a rough idea or vision of the where, what, how—somewhere with amazing nature and sunshine; something that combines the environment, outdoors, and fitness. So a rough idea, but not completely clear, and it feels like a lot of big decisions to make!

    At the start of the year, I felt quite lost, really. The lack of plan and knowing made me feel out of control and anxious about the future. Having always harbored perfectionist tendencies and feared the unknown, it was terrifying for me.

    So I tried to get back on track by planning. Planning things would make me feel more in control. Having a plan would make me feel less anxious and stressed. A perfect plan would solve everything and help me achieve anything, I thought.

    And it did help get back into a routine and on track. But it also did the complete opposite and made me overthink everything, which created a lot of stress and more fear.

    During the spring I was actively looking for different opportunities and things to learn, do, experience. It is amazing how much you can find when you really look.

    I applied for and asked about many different opportunities including world expedition/exploration jobs and courses, fitness jobs, internships in these fields, startups related to nutrition or fitness, photography, writing, language courses, further education degrees.

    At times I got good news and I thought I was in such a great place—lots of opportunities obtained and the whole year set out. I could relax and go with the plan.

    But then I got bad news and things seemed to fall apart. For example, because of a foot injury I had to stop running and expedition hiking. And I didn’t get the startup job, which brought me back to square one with no set plans.

    Throughout this time, no matter how much I planned, things would change. I felt so out of control and anxious. The whole opposite of what planning was meant to do.

    But as time went on, even though the ups and downs kept coming, I started to feel calmer about it all. I don’t know if it was my daily meditation or the fact that I had been thrown out of my comfort zone so many times that I was getting used to it. In any case I was calmer and started to reflect.

    I came to realize a few very important things:

    1. Plan, but know that plans change.

    Having a plan is good because it leads to setting and working toward goals. Hopefully these goals pertain to things that will bring you happiness and a sense of achievement. However, as much as you plan, things change. It is important to be okay with this and flexible. Then re-evaluating and getting going again will be much easier.

    2. Overthinking can keep you stuck.

    Spending all your time planning, overthinking, and overanalyzing is often procrastination for actually doing something. Usually because of some fear.

    3. Doing something is more important than finding the “perfect” opportunity.

    It’s important to take action toward any opportunities, even if they don’t seem perfect, as this opens doors for you. It gives you different avenues to explore, new ideas, and even routes to your goal. The open doors are also something you come back to, even when plans change. In the very least, it gives you experience.

    4. And finally, in life we go through phases, some that seem good and some that seem bad. But neither lasts forever.

    Sometimes you get into a bad phase and feel so stuck and unhappy. It feels like it will never pass. But it does. And then you get into a good phase and are really happy. As awesome as that is, unfortunately, that doesn’t last forever either. But the good news is that a good phase will come again!

    I like to think about this as a metaphor about a blue sky and clouds. I got this idea from the mindfulness and meditation app “Headspace” (highly recommend!)

    There’s always a blue sky. There may be sun, clouds, or rainy days (representing positive and negative thoughts or phases) and the weather keeps changing. But behind it there is always the calm blue sky, and overall everything is all right.

    This idea helps you live more in the present and be calmer. It helps think clearly and make plans or decisions based on your core values. It helps with anxiety in not having everything planned, not having the perfect plan, thoughts of “what if my plan doesn’t work?” It just takes the pressure off and helps you live in the present rather than constantly fearing the future.

    It’s great to make plans, to have a direction and vision. This helps you achieve the goals you set for yourself, things you always wanted to do or accomplish, things that could bring you happiness. But we need to accept that plans don’t always go, well, to plan!

    Know that when they don’t, you can still achieve your goals and vision, just in a different way—and with a lot more peace of mind.

  • The Trap of Thinking You’re Special and Entitled to Success

    The Trap of Thinking You’re Special and Entitled to Success

    Man on a pedestal

    “Life is not designed to give us what we need; life is designed to give us what we deserve.” ~Jim Rohn

    Is there something wrong with being special?

    Short answer: yes.

    But why is that? Being special is… special!

    That’s true, but there’s a downside most people aren’t aware of.

    Before we go any further, let me clarify what I mean by “being special.”

    In short, being special is about thinking that what applies to others doesn’t apply to you, thinking that you’re an exception to the rules of life that others have to follow.

    It has nothing to do with having healthy self-esteem or thinking highly of oneself; in fact, it’s all about ego and self-deception.

    And you could be thinking in such a destructive way without even realizing it.

    The Trap of Being Put on a Pedestal

    Let’s say when you were growing up, people put you on a pedestal for something you did well.

    Maybe you used to get straight A’s, maybe you were a good boy/girl who never broke the rules, maybe you were more physically attractive than most of your peers, and so on.

    In short, you had a privilege that set you apart from your peers, and you may have done nothing or very little to get that advantage.

    Maybe you never had to study hard and didn’t know how you got those awesome grades every time—it just happened!

    Maybe politeness was natural to you and it seemed odd that people gave you so much credit for it.

    You just had an advantage and enjoyed it, but you didn’t know how you got it.

    People around you likely assumed you’d have an awesome future based on your awesome past (which, once again, didn’t require much effort from you).

    Now, this kind of child, with the right set of circumstances, may grow up thinking that he/she is special. And this child might believe that he or she can succeed in anything with little effort. Soon enough, this person will figure out that this isn’t true.

    My Story

    When I was a kid, I used to be the perfect student.

    Not only were my grades good, but also I used to be very polite and I made almost no mistakes.

    My peers would say “Mosab, how do you get such great grades every time? How do you study?”

    The teachers would tell another student to be like me: “Why can’t you be like Mosab?!”

    I even remember that one day, a teacher caught my friend and me playing during the lesson, and I vividly remember that he told my friend something like:

    “He doesn’t need to pay attention because his grades are already good, but you are the one who needs to pay attention.”

    Because of the conditioning everywhere around me, I continued being that little “perfect” kid.

    I ended up going to one of the best high schools in my country, graduating, and then going to one of the best colleges inside my country.

    And don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for the opportunities of studying in such awesome places and meeting great people throughout my journey.

    But all of my past conditioning made me think that I had some kind of special power, that I was too smart to fail, and that everything I’d do would be a success.

    I never understood how success really works, how real life works, or how to move one step at a time toward your goals. And here’s the most interesting part: I never understood how I could earn something or qualify for it; it was all there for me and I was already qualified.

    For example, when I started my own blog, I assumed that people would love my writing immediately and that I’d have more knowledge than many other self-development bloggers, because I thought things would work the same way they did when I was a kid.

    I assumed people would give me recognition immediately; I wouldn’t have to work hard because I’m so awesome! Of course, that proved to be untrue.

    What About You?

    For you it could be a whole different story, but the outcome may be the same: You were deceived to believe you were an exception, especially if you had a bright past.

    At some point, you may get lazy, assuming that one day you will have a better future just because of your astounding past.

    Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. The only way to create a great future is to work for it.

    From my own story, and from many people I’ve seen who think that they’re “too epic to fail,” I can confidently say that “being special” is nothing but a way to escape the discomfort of taking responsibility and changing things. It’s a way to avoid hard work, a self-deception strategy.

    After all, it’s easier to say you’re special, especially if you have the past to back it up, than to jump into the mud and get your hands dirty working on changing your situation.

    The Valuable Lessons You Need To Learn Here

    Ego, especially when you hide it from yourself, is your worst enemy.

    In fact, ego is nothing but a symptom of feeling weak in one area and wanting to cover that up by acting too strong, which never works.

    In order to get something, you need to qualify for it, to earn it, and that requires putting yourself on the line and working hard.

    It also requires facing yourself and admitting that sometimes you’ll fail and struggle, but you still have room to grow.

    I leaned this the hard way, and I’m still learning, but now I can see clearly that I must stop thinking that the world owes me something and start working hard to get what I want.

    Now, I like to think that I’m unique, not special. We’re all unique somehow; we all have unique perspectives and abilities, and we can use our own uniqueness to design our future—if we’re willing to put in the effort.

  • 8 Simple Ways to De-Stress and Rejuvenate When You Can’t Take a Vacation

    8 Simple Ways to De-Stress and Rejuvenate When You Can’t Take a Vacation

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

    It’s a common theme—jobs keep piling up, new problems arise, and deadlines are nearing. Taking time out for yourself to de-stress and rejuvenate is so far down the to-do list you don’t even consider it a possibility.

    But the long-term effects of putting yourself last are real, especially because they take a while to show. They creep up slowly until one day you’ve burnt out.

    When I was in this position, it didn’t end too well. The combination of dealing with long-term insomnia, hairdressing full-time, and studying led me to exhaustion.

    I had adrenal fatigue and my body was so tired that everything hurt. My eyes were constantly stinging, head continuously throbbing, and my muscles were always sore from never getting the rest they needed.

    I eventually quit hairdressing, because there’s only so long you can function as a zombie with sharp scissors in your hand, but I left to pursue my own business which brought with it even more work.

    I had to find a way to recharge constantly throughout the day if I wanted to keep up with such an involved career.

    You are your own most valuable asset, and no matter how important another task is, if you don’t dedicate some time to yourself, you’ll burn out. The harder you push, the harder you’ll fall.

    I learned how to find time to dedicate to me while working, studying, and sleeping only two hours a night. I’ll show you how you can do it, too.

    1. Let go of shoulds.

    Let go of telling yourself you should do certain things. If it’s not a necessity, don’t overthink it.

    Shoulds are guilt trips disguised as obligations, which add to extra stress and eat up time. Even if you don’t do anything else I mention in this post, let go of telling yourself you should do tasks you don’t need to do, or even want to do.

    The ones I constantly struggle with are “I should get up earlier to get more work done, I should do yoga every day, I should spend less time on my phone.” Whenever I catch myself saying these, I smile and simply reword it: “I should do whatever makes me feel good right now. What is that?”

    Sure, there are times when we need to push ourselves to make healthy choices. But if you’re too tired to go to the gym and it would make you feel good to take a walk through the park, that gets the job done too.

    This one change in perspective will make you feel lighter and happier throughout the entire day.

    2. Find a short, relaxing exercise routine.

    Whether it’s stretching exercises, yoga, or a moving meditation, a short routine like this is ideal.

    You address three things in one go: You give yourself fifteen minutes to yourself, you get your blood flowing to your head and around your body, and you relax and stretch out your tight muscles.

    Rather than choosing a fifteen-minute power yoga session to “make it worthwhile,” find something that feels good that allows you to feel centered. Don’t worry about how many calories you’ll burn; this is purely for pleasure.

    There are plenty of guided videos on YouTube, so you don’t even need to go to a class to reap the relaxing benefits.

    3. Spoil yourself.

    No matter how small it is, get out of the house and get something done that makes you feel good.

    Haven’t brushed your hair properly in a month? Go to the salon and get a hair treatment. Shoulders are tired and achy? Get some acupuncture or a massage.

    Even when the budget doesn’t allow for a indulging, remember that you are fully qualified and capable of looking after yourself!

    Try soaking your feet in a tub of hot water with epsom salts while listening to a podcast, relaxing music, or an audiobook. You want this to be an enjoyable timeout so listen to your body and let it tell you what it wants.

    4. Get away for a day.

    You may genuinely not have time right now to leave for a day, but what about if you committed to going in three weeks’ time? Could you aim to get everything done before then or book the rest in for when you return?

    Changing scenery and getting away from your usual routine will do wonders to your mind. Leave everything and decide that on this one specific day nothing else matters.

    5. Set yourself a daily routine.

    I first learned about efficient daily routines from a book called The Miracle Morning. In a nutshell, this routine consists of completing the six most efficient personal development practices, every single morning.

    These include meditation, affirmations, visualization, exercise, reading, and journaling.

    I read The Miracle Morning when I had insomnia. Falling asleep before 3am was a “good night,” so the idea of getting up an hour early wasn’t even something I’d consider. But I knew there was something to it.

    So instead of mornings, I would find time during the day to complete these, and not always all at once, either. Ten minutes of reading on my lunch break, ten minutes of exercise when I got home, ten minutes of journaling and visualizations before bed, and so on.

    If I ever found myself sitting there doing nothing (or worse, mindlessly flicking through social media!) I would try to complete another one.

    Though this wasn’t the “correct” way to do it, it introduced me to a world of self-love and forgiveness. I forgave my mind for not falling asleep when I needed it to, I forgave myself for the anger I felt when I was tired and cranky every morning, and I decided to give myself the love I deserved.

    By doing these short practices throughout the day you prove to yourself you’re worth this time to serve you. And the best part is that it doesn’t require a big chunk of time to benefit.

    “The moment you accept responsibility for EVERYTHING in your life is the moment you gain the power to change ANYTHING in your life.” ~Hal Elrod, The Miracle Morning

     6. Find a hobby.

    What is something you love to do? Something you’re yearning to do, but don’t?

    Can you find a community group that does this on a regular basis? Imagine connecting with likeminded people while doing something you love.

    When you reconnect with an activity you enjoy you’ll fall in love with how it makes you feel, which means you’ll make it a priority to do regularly.

    Whether it’s an art class or salsa dancing, fulfill this desire you have and it’ll naturally lead to letting go of stress.

    7. Leave criticisms and gossip; express gratitude instead.

    We’ve all been there, even though we know it makes us feel terrible and accomplishes nothing.

    Instead, talk about your latest achievements or something fabulous you noticed someone else doing. Tell your friend that you love what she’s been doing lately, and ask her what she’s learned from it.

    Not only might you learn something new, but showing gratitude and appreciation is the quickest and easiest way to feel excited and alive.

    Do you ever notice how you light up when you’re pumped about something? How you start talking three times faster and can’t even express in words how happy it makes you?

    We could all benefit from raising each other up and celebrating accomplishments and it would lead to building strong, happy, and powerful relationships.

    8. Find a song that makes you go places.

    You know the ones that give you goose bumps and make you forget about the rest of the world for those few minutes? Keep those songs handy, whether they’re on your phone or saved in YouTube. Then when you need a break all it takes is to plug your earphones in and listen.

    You don’t always need to do something to fix a problem; sometimes all it takes is to let go, surrender, and let your problems and stresses melt away.

    —

    Dedicating time to yourself is essential to de-stress and rejuvenate. And as you can see, these ways are achievable no matter how busy you are.

    The aim is to do small, purposeful practices throughout the day to truly make your moments count. Which one will you start on first?

  • How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    “It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    We don’t see with our physical eyes, we see with our minds. I learned this lesson the hard way when I turned fifty-five. Suddenly, new wrinkles, deeper crow’s feet, dry eyes, and dryer skin seem to enjoy welcoming me each morning when I looked in my mirror.

    I began to notice other people my age and I would automatically compare my appearance to theirs. Was she younger looking than me? Did she still appear under fifty (even when I knew she wasn’t)?

    As you might guess, the negative train of doubt, comparison, and judgment did not fill me with joy. Instead, a looming sense of dread began to permeate through my life, dragging me into the abyss of aging despair. Hope became a lost memory, and the inevitability of growing older my reality.

    My age stories became a lens through which I saw my life.

    My mirror was my worst enemy. The more anti-aging skin care products I bought, the less I liked myself. It soon became a self-fulling prophecy—I thought I looked old, so I started acting older.

    It wasn’t until after I meditated that I realized the trap I had fallen into—telling myself limiting stories when I had the same ability to tell myself something positive and empowering. I learned to shine my awareness on the negative beliefs and use a simple process to reframe them.

    Story Alchemy™ to the Rescue

    The word “alchemy” has earned a bad reputation over the centuries. Magic and witchcraft are associated with it, as well as charlatans and sorcerers. But alchemy is really about transformation.

    Instead of changing lead into gold, Story Alchemy guides you through a simple four-step process to transform your limiting stories from negative to empowering.

    The four steps are:

    1. Realize.

    You have to first realize that you created your story. No one else—just you. When you accept this fact, it returns your power to change your story.

    2. Responsibility.

    Once you acknowledge that you created your story, you understand that you have the responsibility to change it. If your story keeps you playing small, then it’s time to decide to tell a different version.

    3. Reframe.

    This is the fun part! Reframing requires looking at the situation or person and seeing another side that you did not acknowledge before now. Every situation can be reframed into a positive version. If nothing else, that fact that you survived to tell the story is cause enough to celebrate.

    4. Release.

    The last step requires forgiveness of yourself for creating the limiting story. Being kind and compassionate to yourself releases you to tell your new story. The old one has served its purpose, now it is time to let it go and replace it with the new, empowering version.

    How did I use Story Alchemy to see past the physical evidence of growing older? I realized that I had accepted society’s definition of age, and I set about creating a new definition.

    Now when you ask me how old I am, I will always respond (with a twinkle in my eye) that “I am as old as I think I am. Today, I think I am in the mid-forties.”

    The person usually laughs and nods her head, acknowledging my joie-de-vivre if not my humor.

    My declaration of age in terms of how I feel makes me happy, because tomorrow, I can decide again how old I feel. My self-image and value is not tied to a number that I can’t control, which is quite a liberating concept.

    As I began telling my new story about my age, I noticed something peculiar. Whenever I passed by a mirror, I deliberately stopped and took a moment to look deep into my own eyes. A spark of divine light was always waiting for me to acknowledge it.

    Knowing that I am the embodiment of such loving energy always puts a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. I know that I am not just my body or my age, but part of something so much bigger than myself.

    Of course, age is only one topic that is ripe for limiting stories. There are so many more—money, relationships, career…the list could easily expand beyond the word count for this article. The point is to start becoming aware of your limiting stories and make a conscious decision to pivot and tell a more empowering version.

    For example, if you are struggling in a relationship or have a history of “failed” relationships, why not take some time to discover the thread that runs through your past? It is helpful to pretend that you are an “explorer” and you want to discover the buried treasure in your past. Some questions you might ask yourself are:

    • What did the other person claim was the reason?
    • What limiting story do you carry with you about that relationship?

    As you dig deeper into the rich soil of your past, you will discover some artifacts of insight. Make a chart and write down what you discover about each relationship. A pattern may begin to emerge that will lead you to a common story you told yourself that led you to act in a way that impacted the health of the relationship.

    Remember, the stories you tell yourself filter your reality. If you believe that you are incapable of forming new relationships because you are too sensitive, then you will be. If you are convinced that you are too old to learn a new career, you will remain stuck. If you always feel constricted around the topic of money, then its energy will never flow the way it is supposed to.

    After you alchemize your limiting stories, you will see the light instead of the dark. Your sensitivity in relationships actually makes you a better listener and friend. Your work experience is valuable, especially when you are confronted with conflict because you have a deeper understanding of people and their motivations. Money is seen as just an exchange of value, instead of a definition of your value.

    When you begin using your new, empowering story, observe the changes that naturally result in your relationships. Because you have changed your internal dialogue, your external actions will also shift.

    You may also discover small bits of your authenticity that you had forgotten. You may find that you laugh more often and you give yourself permission to be playful or silly. As you peel away the layers of limiting stories, your vision will clear and you will see yourself and your world from a new perspective.

    The end result is that your mind and eyes will begin to see the same things. No longer in conflict, you will notice random moments of happiness and joy bursting into your awareness. Be forewarned: spontaneous dancing may also occur!

  • Stop Worrying About Being Good Enough and Start Accepting Yourself

    Stop Worrying About Being Good Enough and Start Accepting Yourself

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”~Anna Quindlen

    “I’m not actually happy,” I heard myself saying.

    They were words I hadn’t yet admitted to myself, but I found myself sharing with a friend and mentor several years ago.

    At the time, I was deeply identified with living a happy life. I was also deeply identified with the views of what you might call a cult, something I’ll explain more in a moment.

    I was always working on bettering myself, and I devoted my life to living with purpose. The sentiment I shared with my mentor didn’t fit with the life I thought I had created, and it certainly didn’t fit with the notion of being on the leading edge of consciousness and culture, my organization’s motto.

    He listened without judgment, and then he said this:

    “This is your life and your spiritual path. It can be anything you want it to be, but it should be joyful.”

    In that moment I felt liberated, and I realized that I had unconsciously bound myself to a life my mind had created.

    I thought all of my hard work and dedication would bring me to some final place of happiness and didn’t realize that happiness is not a future goal to attain. It’s a relationship to ourselves.

    I spent most of my life feeling misunderstood and lonely. In my mid-twenties I found myself at a party with a bunch of people of all ages who appeared joyful and treated each other like family. Over the next few years I became more involved with these people, many of them beautiful, loving people who I still consider friends.

    This group was basically a cult, a small gathering of people committed to a spiritual principal.

    We would get together and talk about spirituality, the nature of life, consciousness, human development, and culture.

    I found myself excited to be so intellectually stimulated, but also intimidated. All of these people seemed so comfortable with themselves. They spoke with intention, and when it was my turn they all gave me their undivided attention.

    I found myself in a situation where I was forced to be seen, and in turn I began to see myself.

    It would be easy for me to blame the organization, and it’s true that there were things that were not conducive to my growth. Although I enjoyed many of the people, the collective feeling for me was one of judgment.

    I felt like my words were being measured each time I spoke so teachers could see how I was growing. While I never felt an insufficiency of kindness, I did feel a lack of warmth and love.

    The deeper truth was that I was judging myself. I felt inadequate. I felt like I couldn’t show who I really was because I was terrified of being perceived as less than.

    I developed serious anxiety around speaking in groups. I started to shut down. I put pressure on myself to do as much as possible behind the scenes. I felt like there was always so much more I needed to learn and understand before I could add value to the conversation.

    Instead of looking inward to discover who I was, I had an idea of who it was I should be. I spent my time striving to maintain that image, and it sucked me dry.

    I suddenly woke up to the truth, years in, that I was unhappy. My zest for life was gone.

    You might not have had the same cult-like experience, but I’m sure you can relate to the experience of trying to fit it and not feeling good enough.

    It’s a burden that we often put on ourselves, one from which we have the power to liberate ourselves.

    I have found that people who want to better themselves have a tendency to never be good enough for themselves, and it leads to deep dissatisfaction in life.

    I could say that I lost myself during my time in that organization, but the truth is that I never actually knew who I really was. My time there was part of my journey to discovering myself. I walked away from that group and walked into a path of personal exploration.

    I found that the things I felt in the organization, the lack of love and fear of judgment, were things I was struggling with within myself. I didn’t truly love who I was, and I was constantly self-judging. The feelings we have in relationship to others are often reflections of our relationship to ourselves.

    I have found that those of us most interested in becoming better people are often far too hard on ourselves. We can look at our lives and see that we’ve put in a lot of effort, but we often experience little joy.

    We have an idea of who we should be, and we’re constantly attempting to live up to that ideal but never seem to make it. When we attempt to do something to prove our worth, it’s never good enough for ourselves.

    Being willing to see that we’re being hard on ourselves is the first step in transforming, but it’s really the big leap between seeing it and doing something about it that transforms our lives.

    Soon after I realized I was unhappy I discovered breathwork, an active meditation practice that opened my heart and showed me what it meant to love myself. For the first time in a long time I felt joy again, and I discovered what it means to be truly happy.

    I found that I needed to learn to let go, to surrender to my heart and soul instead of continuing to “power through” my life. In addition to my breathwork practice, I started doing more yin and restorative yoga. These tools helped me connect to my body and allowed me to see the truth I had been hiding from.

    I found that I was afraid to show who I really was to the world, so I kept trying to change myself into someone I thought would be worthy of acceptance. I was afraid of being judged, afraid of being seen as imperfect. The even deeper truth was that I wasn’t accepting myself.

    All of the pressure I put on myself to be this specific kind of person pushed me further away from loving who I already was.

    The only way I could live the life I truly wanted was for me to release what I thought it meant to be happy.

    Happiness doesn’t come from what we think our lives should be like. True happiness is a deep state of love for ourselves. It comes from awakening to the truth within you, that you are already everything you need to be right now.

    When we’re chronically hard on ourselves we’re attempting to be someone other than who we really are. Within the body we find wisdom. We find signs like anxiety, depression, and illness that point to the truth that our systems are being burdened by our minds.

    We’re driving ourselves like machines, and we’re suffering greatly because of it. The practice of slowing down and looking inward whenever we find ourselves consumed with who we think we should be gives us the opportunity to surrender.

    We have to stop spending so much time trying to be better and see the beauty that is already there. We have to stop striving and start surrendering. We have to begin to acknowledge how incredible we are in this moment, right now, for being exactly as we are, as imperfect as that might be.

    Remember, this is your life and your spiritual path. It can be anything you want it to be, but it should be joyful.

  • How to Defeat Your Insecurities and Tell Someone You Love Them

    How to Defeat Your Insecurities and Tell Someone You Love Them

    Couple in love

    “Our own ego judges us, so we become afraid of self-awareness. If it’s not puffing us up to look better than others, it’s tearing us down—anything to block us from feeling at one with reality and who we are.” ~Beth Maynard Green

    Have you ever had insecurities stand in your way?

    Have you ever felt afraid to tell someone how you feel?

    Have you ever felt like someone could never love you the same way you love them?

    We all have insecurities that hold us back in our professional life, our social life, and most of all, our love life. This is something I’ve struggled with a lot.

    As someone with a serious physical disability who is basically a quadriplegic, I have often told myself I am not complete.

    I’ve told myself I’m not enough, that I’m not good enough or strong enough. I’ve told myself that other people are not interested in knowing me or that they have already made all sorts of judgments about me.

    Through my self-criticism, I’m actually imposing my self-image on other people, assuming they see me the same way I see myself. That way, I have an excuse to refrain from being vulnerable because I already made their minds up for them. I don’t have to open myself up and see what they actually think. I have an excuse not to take chances.

    So, in a twisted sort of way, I’m actually feeding my ego while also “protecting” it from any actual feedback that I could learn from. Also, I’m missing out on the possibility that I could reach out and make a meaningful connection because maybe my self-criticism is off base.

    How Insecurities Blocked Me From Telling Someone How I Truly Felt

    I remember struggling with insecurity when I met a girl in college. She was beautiful and talkative, and I was an attentive listener. She liked to tell stories, and I loved to listen to her slightly British-sounding Caribbean accent.

    She was energetic and outgoing while I was more laid back and introverted. Our temperaments complemented one another. We hit it off right away.

    I really liked her, and I felt like she might like me too, but my insecurities kept getting in the way. In my mind, she could never like me the way I liked her.

    We spoke on the phone late into the night and spent every moment we could together. But we were just friends.

    So I talked around the issue. I poked at it from one direction and prodded at it from the other. I did everything I could to avoid being the first to say something really dangerous, to avoid showing my true feelings.

    My subtlety was without compare; my hints were so obscure that even I wasn’t sure what I was talking about. She never suspected a thing.

    Eventually, my ego got tired of protecting me from the terrible fate it knew would result. I decided to try something different.

    I got up the courage to let her know how I felt about her, and she reciprocated. The feeling was unbelievable. She was my first and only real girlfriend.

    From then on, the world would feel like a profoundly altered place. For the last twenty years, she’s been a constant reminder that my ego has no idea what it’s talking about!

    How to Find the Courage to Tell Someone You Love Them

    As someone with a physical disability that leaves me dependent on others, I’m no stranger to insecurity. I’ve told myself all sorts of stories about how unworthy I am.

    If I can find my way past negative self-talk, anyone can. Allow me to share some ideas that helped me along the way.

    1. Break up with your ego.

    Often, when we accuse someone of having a big ego, we mean that they are overly confident. But sometimes we can be overly confident about what we think reality actually is.

    I took a while to learn this, and I’m still learning this every day, but the ego is a double-edged sword. It can make you feel great about yourself, and also terrible.

    What the ego loves to do is tell stories about reality; it likes to believe that it has everything figured out.

    We think we know exactly where we stand, exactly the way it is that people perceive us. Sometimes it’s easier to “know” we will fail than it is to actually try and risk embarrassment.

    It’s time to challenge our assumptions and burst the ego’s bubble.

    2. Stop playing telepath.

    When we attribute thoughts or motives to others, this is often just based on our own insecurities. This mental chatter can even be randomness. Thousands of thoughts go through our heads throughout the day, many of which we ignore as inconsequential or even nonsensical.

    You’re doing yourself and the other person a disservice by trying to read their thoughts through a cloud of your own insecurity.

    I did this a lot with her facial expressions and intonation. I was reading her all over the board, convincing myself that she was everything from madly in love with me to pitying me and using me as a charity case.

    This sort of thing can drive you crazy, and at some point, I knew I had to stop because it was destroying my ability to be genuine. If I’m not being myself, pursuing a real relationship with anyone, let alone someone I have real feelings for, is pointless.

    3. Leave your mind; enter the moment.

    When you want to tell someone you love them, you want to feel fully in tune with them. If for some reason you decide that the other person doesn’t feel the same way, you want that decision to be based on that person’s actual behavior, not some random doubt on your behalf.

    As an introverted person, my ability to project my own insecurities on the world is strong. I have to make a conscious effort to focus on what is actually happening in the interaction. 

    This can sometimes be done with a mini mindfulness exercise. Just focus on the sights, smells, and sounds in your immediate vicinity. Most importantly, focus on the other person and what they’re saying, not what you’re saying to yourself in your head.

    4. Let your heart speak; let your ego be vulnerable.

    Keep it real, but accept there are no guarantees. If you’re nervous, show it, or even say it. If you’re not sure how to say how you feel, it’s okay to say so and take a moment to figure it out.

    If you’ve known this person long enough to feel like you’re ready to share intimate feelings, they probably like you enough to allow you the time to gather your thoughts. If not, this probably isn’t the time to broach the subject.

    In my case, I can remember stumbling over several different versions of what I wanted to say before settling on one that seemed appropriate. It’s been a long time, so I don’t remember exactly what I said, but the words will be different for everyone, and, honestly, they don’t matter so much as the authenticity of the feelings behind them.

    5. Remember, no matter what, you will be okay.

    When it comes to love, we often stop ourselves because we fear the consequences we’ve dreamed up. “What if I ask someone on a date and they say no?” But the truth is that, whatever the consequences, we have the capacity to move on.

    Living your life in fear is far worse, never knowing how it feels to take a risk on love.

    When you accept the idea that you will be okay despite any social consequences, you will act with far more freedom — which is invaluable in areas even beyond romance. Because fear of social consequences can cripple us in so many different ways, from making friends to career advancement.

    If I Can Do It, I Know You Can

    I know you’re thinking that you don’t have the courage to tell that special person what you’re truly feeling, but I believe in you. If I can do it, I know anyone can.

    See yourself taking that first step and feeling the relief of being open and honest for the first time. Envision the smiling face of that other person in response to the heartfelt words you’ve shared.

    Picture the newfound confidence you’ll feel because you were rewarded for your bravery and authenticity. Imagine the new life that is ahead of you, a life shared with someone you care about.

    This reality could await you if you would just abandon your self-criticism and the insecurity, and open yourself up to true possibility.

    You’re probably telling yourself that this sounds unlikely. I know this because I’ve told myself the same thing, but I know from experience that the negative self-talk is a lie more often than not.

    Take the first step, and follow the principles I outlined above.

    A beautiful new romance is waiting for you.