Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • You Are Not Responsible for Anyone Else’s Emotions

    You Are Not Responsible for Anyone Else’s Emotions

    Fix your feelings

    “Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    “I don’t believe you,” I jutted out my chin like a petulant toddler. Collapsing back into the tufted leather loveseat, I conceded, “I want to believe you, but I can’t.”

    My therapist had just explained to me that I am not responsible for regulating other people’s emotions. My mind couldn’t process this truth.

    There were too many decades of owning the moods of those around me.

    In my younger years, if a parent was stressed, I felt it was up to me to calm them down. I prided myself on acting as a mediator between my siblings.

    In high school, I drove my boyfriend crazy trying to cheer him up when he was in pain from frequent sports injuries. Later, I would allow other boyfriends to dictate how I was feeling each day, according to their mood.

    And here my therapist was pointing out that it wasn’t up to me to help other people regulate their emotions. I had been doing it wrong all these years.

    Undoing “Good Daughter” Habits

    If you struggle with this, like me, chances are there was some chaos in your early years. I’m not necessarily talking about major trauma (although that may have occurred), but as a child you found yourself trying to compensate for the emotions of those around you.

    The good news is that you can break free from this habit.

    Trust me. It’s necessary for your mental health and for the well-being of your relationship to let this go.

    As my therapist would say, even within a marriage it’s not my job to regulate the emotions of my spouse. I’m responsible for my own emotions. And it turns out that I’m not very good at helping “fix” my husband when he is stressed.

    Changing the Dynamic

    My first chance to change this pattern came in the form of a Saturday breakfast at a local coffee shop.

    You know that feeling you get when you place your order with a trainee, and you have zero confidence that you are going to get what you ordered? It was one of those situations.

    Thirty minutes later, our order still hadn’t arrived. My husband was getting agitated, and I could feel my blood pressure rising in response. It suddenly occurred to me that this was my big opportunity to approach things differently.

    Step 1: Observe.

    I noticed my husband was grumpy. I watched his scowl and listened to him mutter.

    I noticed my heart race. I noticed that I wanted to say something to make it better.

    I also noticed that I wasn’t upset about our food order. I had my coffee. I was okay to wait.

    It was my husband who was upset, not me.

    Step 2: Own your emotions.

    If I am feeling stressed, I know how to calm myself down: pay attention to my breathing, reframe, and refocus.

    But in this situation, if I were by myself I would have been fine. So there was nothing that I needed to do at that moment to deal with my own emotions.

    I just needed to fight my urge to take on my husband’s frustration.

    Step 3: Give the other person space to regulate themselves.

    “Are you mad?” I timidly asked my husband.

    “Nope,” he said, “just hungry.”

    “Okay. I’m gonna just sip my coffee and read.”

    “Thank you for not trying to fix me. I will be better after I eat,” my husband mumbled as he scrolled on his phone.

    Ouch. I actually got thanked for leaving him alone. Further reinforcement that I would have been making it worse by taking on his frustration.

    Step 4: Relax.

    The world is not going to end if my husband is “hangry.”

    My brain was trying to tell me that I was in danger, but sometimes our brains give us the wrong information.

    My husband is a mild-mannered man. We’ve fought less than five times in fifteen years together—and it was me doing the yelling. I was definitely not in danger.

    I was okay. He was going to be okay.

    I just needed to let go of my fear that something would go horribly wrong if I didn’t intervene.

    And guess what?

    Everything was okay.

    An Exercise in Humility

    It’s hard to let go.

    But the key insight in this process is that, even within a committed relationship, each person is responsible for themselves. We must give each other the opportunity to manage our own emotions.

    If you are with somebody who doesn’t have the skills to regulate themselves, that’s a separate conversation. Do they want to learn those skills? How would they prefer to learn: a therapist, a book, or a trusted coach? Even so, it’s not your job to force them to acquire those skills.

    We can only own our behavior. The world does not rest on our shoulders.

    And the irony is, when we step back and let go of control, the fear starts to go away. We feel freer to relax.

    Practice Makes Perfect

    I encourage you to think of the last time that you tried to compensate for your partner’s frustration or stress. Think about what you could have done differently, now that you are more aware.

    Even if you don’t manage to navigate all four steps smoothly, reflect afterward what went wrong and decide what you will do differently next time.

    You’ve got this.

  • Stop Chasing Happiness: 17 Alternative Ways to Live Your Best Possible Life

    Stop Chasing Happiness: 17 Alternative Ways to Live Your Best Possible Life

    “If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time.” ~Edith Wharton

    I have a question for you.

    What would you be willing to sacrifice to be happy?

    Would you be happy to let go of Netflix? Alcohol? Pizza?

    Would you be willing to take up a monastic life?

    Every single day of the year we’re being sold happiness. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the form of a pill or a book or a holiday, the underlying idea is the same: What we have to sell you will make you happy.

    The problem with happiness is that no one really knows exactly what it is. It’s intangible, even a little mysterious, yet still we all want to be happy. But trying to be happy is like trying to get to sleep; the harder you try, the less likely it is to happen.

    So four years ago, on New Years Eve, I made the pledge to myself to stop trying to be happy.

    Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t miserable. I was just spending too much time thinking about whether or not I was happy—even though neither I, nor anyone I knew really, could give a clear answer about what this meant.

    So instead of saying to myself, This year I’m going to be happy, I said, This year I’m going to try new things. I’m going to meet new people. I’m going to go to new places. I’m going to push myself out of my comfort zone.

    And if I’m not happy, well, I’m not happy, but at least I’ve had some interesting experiences.

    The result of this was the best (and probably happiest) year of my life, at least up to that point. And I realized something obvious in hindsight, but still profound: Happiness is something that comes a lot more easily when we stop thinking about it.

    It’s more like a place you occupy than an object you obtain. Some days you’ll be there and some days you wont, but the more time you spend thinking about being happy, the less likely you are to spend time being so.

    A large part of what less than happy people have is a problem with their patterns of attention.

    In the same way the attention of an extrovert is naturally directed at social communication, the attention of an entrepreneur seeks out business opportunities, and an artist looks for creative expression, an unhappy person tends to look directly at happiness.

    This post will explore some practices that can help you to stop focusing so hard on the idea of happiness and instead embrace the experiences and thoughts that will actually make you happy.

    1. Take the word “happy” out of your vocabulary.

    We all know words are used to communicate ideas. Unfortunately, sometimes a word can get overused and it becomes confusing, stifling, or even dangerous.

    Here are some other words you should start to use in conversations with yourself and others about how you feel. Don’t be fooled into believing you need to experience all of them; you don’t.

    If you find yourself asking, Am I happy? Replace the question with: Do I have [insert word] in my life?

    • Contentment
    • Enjoyment
    • Laughter
    • Well-being
    • Peace of mind
    • Cheerfulness
    • Playfulness
    • Hopefulness
    • Blessedness

    2. Practice living in the present.

    Letting go of past regrets and future anxieties is not easy, but it’s the fastest way to live a full and enjoyable life. Think about enjoying each moment for its own unique role in the ongoing narrative of your life.

    If you want a short mantra to keep in mind: be here now.

    3. Decide what you really want to do.

    A lot of people that are searching for happiness will end up with “shiny object syndrome.” This is what happens when they bounce from goal to goal because they’re looking for something (or someone) to take away all their suffering.

    Knowing yourself and what you truly want can help you develop purpose and focus—so much so that you don’t even have time to waste pondering happiness. You may even realize that happiness is not what you really want, that you’re willing to put up with being unhappy some of the time if it means you will have a sense of achievement.

    4. Let go of unrealistic expectations about how happy you’re supposed to be.

    For most of human history people lived relatively rough lives. The idea that you’re supposed to be happy all of the time is pretty new.

    Though you should strive to live the fullest life you can, it’s actually more normal and perfectly okay to live an average life interspersed with brief periods of joy.

    5. Take small daily steps.

    If you think you know what you want and you’re determined that it will make you happy, at least decide on small daily steps that you can take to get there.

    Setting unrealistical goals that you never get to finish is far less fulfilling than setting small goals that you can finish and appreciate—and ones that let you know you’re on the right track.

    6. Make serving others a regular habit.

    One key habit of unhappy people that we often don’t talk about is that they are inherently self-centered.

    This doesn’t mean that they are bad people by any means. It just means their minds spend a disproportionate amount of time focused on the self.

    Serving others is one way to break this pattern of attention from “How am I feeling?” to “How are you feeling?” There are a lot of studies that show that giving to others is more rewarding than receiving.

    7. Separate your happiness from your achievements.

    We all need to learn to separate our happiness from our achievements. It’s okay to feel content with our lives simply because we have an inherent sense of self-worth.

    Reaching our goals can obviously bolster this feeling and give us a deep sense of accomplishment, but the absence of achievement should not mean the absence of happiness.

    8. Don’t force yourself to be positive all the time.

    There’s a lot of advice in the self-help community and spiritual circles about being positive. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the best advice. It’s better to be positive when you are actually feeling positive than it is to be positive when you’re feeling negative.

    9. Remove things that prevent happiness.

    This is actually a lot more important than finding things to make you happy.

    Are you in a toxic relationship?

    Do you dislike your job?

    Are you eating a lot of unhealthy food?

    These things all need to go before you start to seek happiness; otherwise, they can hold you back and you may never be satisfied.

    10. Be okay with okay.

    When people ask you, “How’s work? How’s the new city? How’s your relationship going?” Don’t you feel compelled to say “really good!” even when it’s not?

    We’re so conditioned to feel like we need to have the best of everything that “okay” just isn’t good enough for most of us.

    Learning to be okay with okay is a much better strategy toward allowing things to become great than is anxiously wishing that they already were.

    11. Get out of your comfort zone.

    Getting out of your comfort zone is good not only for your sense of self-worth, but it also gives your brain a huge adrenaline dump and a flush of endorphins.

    You’ll know when you’re getting out of your comfort zone when you feel anxious before doing something, but you do it anyway, because you know it is beneficial to you in the long run. Afterward, you’ll often feel a huge relief and sense of self-worth at having done something you were scared to do.

    Depending on your own situation you might find this in traveling to new places, meeting new people, trying new activities (public speaking, scuba diving, bungee jumping etc.) or even just meditating through negative emotions.

    12. Look after your body.

    From muscular tension that can trap emotions to serotonin production and bacterial imbalances in your gut, your body is the number one vehicle that will allow you to experience joy and satisfaction, so treat it with care!

    13. Meditate daily.

    This is a no brainer. I’m sure anyone reading this article is familiar with the physical and psychological health benefits of mindfulness and meditation.

    But there is one I’d like to add:

    Meditation is long, slow, and you often you don’t see the deep benefits for a long time; in fact, when you are starting out, it can often seem like a complete leap of faith. But this is why it’s so important.

    When you sit and stare at a wall or focus on your breath or do anything that (compared to our normal lives) is so bland, it conditions you to not grab on to the colorful, shiny objects that usually point you toward a shallow sense of fulfillment.

    With a longstanding meditation practice that tendency to grasp will usually just fall away naturally. You’ll unknowingly get out of your own way.

    14. Meet new people.

    Meeting new and positive people can give you new vital energy that kickstarts your life and helps you focus on enjoying the present.

    Because we are such social creatures, having likeminded people in our lives can have such a powerful impact on the way our habits and beliefs develop. As the old saying goes, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

    To find people with similar interests and ambitions in your city, there are plenty of sites that can help you connect. You can try MeetUp.com for starters, or just do a simple search in Facebook for groups in your area.

    Likewise, if you are interested in meditation and spirituality, retreats are a great way to know people and connect on a deep level in a short amount of time.

    15. Go out in nature.

    A lot of the time our worries and concerns are largely linked to our environment—both immediately, such as the construction noise outside our bedroom, and peripherally, such as when an advert on T.V. reminds you of a past failure.

    Nature allows you to completely unplug, allowing yourself the space to experience relaxation and acceptance.

    16. Be honest with yourself.

    Discontentment often comes from what psychologists call cognitive dissonance—incongruence between two conflicting ideas or emotions in your mind.

    You can greatly reduce this by just accepting, admitting, and experiencing the emotions that are passing through you.

    If you are angry, be angry; if you are sad, be sad; if you are joyful, be joyful. When we try to actively change or deny present emotions, they become meta-emotions: guilt about sadness, anger about fear, fear about unhappiness. Then they become toxic.

    17. Energize yourself in the morning.

    As much as we like to think we have control and autonomy when it comes to our feelings, the truth is that momentum is a huge factor.

    Morning routines have been a keystone habit of content and successful people throughout history, and for good reason; starting your day with a spiritual practice, a physical practice, and a healthy breakfast may not seem like much, but compounded over years, it can make all the difference in the world to your well-being.

    —

    We can all learn to let go of the neurotic need to chase happiness.

    Doing so will do us a world of good—and who knows, we might even have a pretty good time.

    How have you learned to stop chasing happiness? Let us know in the comments!

  • 5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    “Feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Breathing techniques are now such an important part of my daily routine. I couldn’t think of starting a day without doing my breathing exercises.

    I usually combine these with my morning meditation, which, through sheer perseverance, I have made into a habit and have been doing for the last few years.

    Almost everywhere you look, you can find stress—at work, at home, on the road. It’s hard to avoid it and even harder to not get sucked in.

    I used to let stress get the better of me on a daily basis through an incredibly stressful and demanding job. That was until I realized the dangerous effects it was having on my body.

    I worked in video production as a producer, where there was a new type of stress every single day.

    There were so many cogs that all had to fall perfectly into place for the production to move ahead, not to mention the number of people who would depend and rely on me. The deadlines were tight, and to make sure that every stage of production was complete, I often had to work long hours.

    This was an incredibly stress-inducing job, and so often I felt myself getting overtired and angry due to the workload.

    Stress can make it near enough impossible to control your emotions. I found the more stressed I became, the more irrational I would become.

    Stress is also strongly linked to diseases, and chronic stress can give these conditions the green light to flood your body. Stress has been linked to cancer, lung disease, fatal accidents, suicide, and cirrhosis of the liver.

    Not to mention that stress can make you gain weight, look older, and ruin your relationships.

    After understanding that I was a very stressed person, often attracting stressful situations into my life, I decided to learn stress-combating techniques.

    The best methods I discovered were various breathing techniques. They’re quick to do and have amazing results.

    Now, if I ever feel myself getting stressed or am about to enter a stressful situation, I simply stop for a moment and use one of my breathing techniques. This instantly calms me down and has an immediate effect on my state of mind, allowing me to think clearly and rationally.

    Breathing is used in meditation as a method to relax the body fully and achieve a clear state of mind. We are extremely lucky that such a powerful tool, like breathing, is something that we can regulate and control ourselves.

    Practicing breathing techniques will not only give you beneficial life tools, but they are also a great starting point for your meditation journey.

    The techniques I have shared are simple and easy to learn. Some will bring calm and inner peace, while others can be used to kick-start your mental awareness and vital energy.

    Abdominal Breathing

    Abdominal breathing slows your entire body down; your heart rate and blood pressure reduce with each controlled deep breath you take.

    Your aim during this technique is to focus on your diaphragm, not your chest, as you breathe.

    To begin, place one hand on the chest and the other on the belly.

    Breathe in through your nose enough for your diaphragm to inflate with enough air to produce a stretch in your lungs. Then exhale slowly.

    Make sure each breath is deep and steady.

    Repeat this technique with seven to ten breaths per minute for ten minutes.

    Alternate Nostril Breathing (aka Nadi Shodhana)

    This technique will unite both sides of your brain while bringing calm and balance.

    To begin, sit in a comfortable meditative pose; this can be on the floor, on a chair, or on a sofa, wherever is most comfortable for you.

    Now, hold your right nostril down with your thumb or one of your fingers on your right hand. Breathe in deeply through your left nostril.

    When you’re at the peak of inhalation, let go of your right nostril and cover the left. Then, exhale through the right nostril. Continue with this technique for as long as needed until you feel calm and focused.

    Because this method connects your brain on a deep level, you shouldn’t practice this technique before going to bed.

    Instead, if you need to prepare for a big presentation or a difficult job interview, or you’re in any kind of nervous situation, take a few minutes practicing alternate nostril breathing to calm yourself. Doing this will help quiet your mind so that you can be the best version of yourself without having to worry about the nerves!

    Not only will you experience calm and balance, but you will also feel focused and super energized.

    Relaxing Breath (aka “4-7-8”)

    This technique is used to completely relax the body and nervous system. It can be used in many different scenarios—when you feel internal tension, when something upsetting happens, or simply to help you relax before sleep.

    Before you begin this technique, ensure you are sitting comfortably with your back as straight as possible.

    Place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth where they meet the gum ridge. You will need to keep your tongue here for the duration of the technique.

    Start by exhaling fully. Usually, because of where your tongue is placed, this would make a natural “whoosh” sound.

    Inhale quietly for a count of four. Once reached, hold your breath here for a count of seven and then exhale fully for a count of eight. This is one full breath. You should aim to do four or five full breaths each time you practice this technique.

    Stillness in Breath

    If you are able to focus on your breath for long periods of time, then this technique is for you.

    This breathing awareness variation doesn’t involve any counting, merely observing.

    To begin, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breathing pattern.

    Once you have settled into the process of observing your natural breathing rhythm, turn your awareness to the point at which the breath switches from inhalation to exhalation. Then observe as it changes from exhalation to inhalation. Notice that there is a gap, or still pause, between the breaths.

    If you find that your mind wanders during this variation, simply keep guiding your attention back to this still pause between each stage of breath. The more you practice this technique, the more it becomes a continuous experience in which you will find peace.

    Stimulating Breath (aka Bellows Breath)

    Bellows Breath is used to invigorate your senses and sharpen your mind. If practiced well, you will raise your vital energy and feel an increased level of alertness.

    To begin, sit comfortably. You don’t need to be in a certain position or sit anywhere in particular for this technique.

    Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose. Try to keep your mouth shut and as relaxed as possible. Aim to keep your inhales and exhales equal in duration but as reduced as possible.

    For beginners, you should start by practicing this technique for a maximum of fifteen seconds. As you become more comfortable, you can increase this time by five seconds each time you practice until you reach a full minute.

    Like alternate nostril breathing, this technique connects with your mind on a deep level and shouldn’t be used before you go to sleep.

    Next time you feel like you need an energy boost, instead of reaching for caffeine, try this technique and see how invigorated you feel afterwards!

    —

    By practicing breathing meditation for ten to fifteen minutes a day, you will be able to reduce your stress and anxiety levels significantly. You’ll start to experience calmness of the mind, the turbulence of day-to-day worries will simply fall away, and feelings of happiness and fulfillment will rise from within.

  • The Mevii App: Support for Anxiety and Moderate Depression

    The Mevii App: Support for Anxiety and Moderate Depression

    Peaceful meditating man

    As someone who’s struggled with depression and anxiety, who runs a website that recommends tools and practices for peace and happiness, I was excited to learn about the Mevii app a couple months ago.

    I’m even more excited to offer 500 readers a chance to try the app for free. But first…

    What Is Mevii?

    Mevii can help you manage your emotions, build coping skills, reduce stress, and feel better day-to-day, using strategies rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy.

    At the heart of cognitive behavioral therapy is the idea that your thoughts and actions affect your feelings—whether it’s a fleeting emotion or a longer lasting mood.

    I first learned about this concept in therapy, at twelve years old. It seems so obvious now, but as a child I had no idea I could change my feelings by taking a closer look at the thoughts that preceded them.

    I also didn’t have anything more than a notebook and pen to do this inner work—and I often wished I had my therapist on speed dial so she could help me recognize and change my unhealthy patterns between my bi-weekly appointments.

    I think we could all benefit from this kind of ongoing support and guidance, especially when doing something as challenging as changing deeply ingrained habits.

    Although that’s not an affordable option for most of us, fortunately, there’s an app for that.

    If you’re feeling overwhelmed, dejected, anxious, and out of control, Mevii can help you identify and tackle the root causes to find a sense of peace, calm, and balance in your daily life.

    Mevii Screenshot 1

    How Does Mevii Work?

    The app includes six modules, designed to be completed in order, one per week, allowing you to:

    • Identify and manage your stress triggers
    • Record your thoughts, feelings, barriers, and accomplishments
    • Learn techniques to help you relax throughout your day
    • Improve your health habits
    • Identify and reframe negative thoughts
    • Improve the quality of your connections
    • Set goals to maintain your well-being

    Most important, it’s highly personalized, offering you a customized plan based on your answers to questions about your current feelings, thought processes, and behaviors.

    I’ve seen a lot of tools to combat stress, anxiety, and moderate depression, but none quite as comprehensive as Mevii. I highly recommend the app to anyone who’s looking to develop practical skills to manage their mood.

    Mevii Screenshot 2

    What’s Required to Use Mevii?

    Mevii is designed for smartphones, specifically iPhones and Android.

    Supported devices include: iPhone 6 Plus, iPhone 6, iPhone 5s, iPhone 5, iPhone 4S, iPhone 4, iPod Touch, and Android 2.1 and up.

    How Can You Try It for Free?

    Ordinarily, Mevii costs $3.99, but it’s available for free to the first 500 people (in the US only) who claim it here: https://www.mevii.com/partners/?c=ITBB16

    Please note that by claiming your free download, you’re agreeing to receive occasional emails from Mevii with questions to help them improve the app.

    —

    Have you already tried the Mevii app? If so, how has the experience been for you? Has it helped you reduce stress and manage your emotions?

    *None of the tools or practices recommended on Tiny Buddha should be considered alternatives to professional help. If you’re feeling hopeless because nothing seems to work, please consult a qualified professional. If you are currently taking medication, please consult your doctor before considering going off it. 

    FTC disclosure: I received free access to Mevii in order to try and review the app, and compensation for this post—though I only share products and services that I love and can enthusiastically recommend!

  • What to Do When Words Hurt You (Just Like Sticks and Stones)

    What to Do When Words Hurt You (Just Like Sticks and Stones)

    Mean Words

    “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~Gandhi

    Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

    Do you remember this saying from childhood? It was one I heard often and wanted to believe. The saying states that physical acts can hurt us, but no one’s words can.

    There’s nothing that seems further from the truth. Words hurt, and they stick with us far beyond the time of their telling.

    It was in elementary school where my hair color was a joke. I was a carrot top, and my peers didn’t look kindly on this rare trait.

    They insulted me with disgust and laughter, and I believed the things they said. I wished that I had hair like the other kids. If I were the same as them, they couldn’t say anything mean about me.

    They also insulted me for being flat chested, stupid, a snob, and more. I let the words stick with me and affect my self-perception.

    Fast forward to adulthood, I’m a quiet introvert enjoying my solitude. I’m not one to put myself forward. I’m not a snob, the complete opposite actually, but I’ve been called it on more than one occasion.

    I learned to walk around feeling that in my solitude I was doing something wrong. I was actually hurt by these people’s words and judgments. The words hurt.

    Or so I thought…

    Here’s how it works: Someone says something to us that isn’t very nice, we hear from a friend that a co-worker has insulted our new hairstyle or personality, or we walk down the street and we see someone pointing at us and whispering.

    Someone has spoken harsh words to us or about us, and even though we don’t want to be, we’re hurt.

    We’ve taken these words and ingested them. They are now harboring somewhere deep within us.

    We feed them with worry and anger. We contemplate the words, trying to dissect their meaning. We absorb their negative energy. Then, to make it even worse, we hold on to them, allowing them to fester for days, weeks, or maybe even years to come.

    Why do we allow these seemingly meaningless words to stick with us?

    We rely heavily on the support and acceptance from the people in our life. We feel the pressure to please those around us and to be accepted. We thrive on others’ attention as a confirmation of our own self-worth.

    What we fail to consider is why someone could be using their words against us.

    More than likely, these people are projecting onto us a negative belief or fear they have about themselves.

    Perhaps they’ve ingested too many negative words directed at them. We need to take this into consideration before we allow others’ words to negatively affect our self-perception.

    In truth, words can’t hurt. They are only words. The words cannot live without us feeding them with our thoughts. Without thoughts put behind them, they mean nothing.

    It has taken me some time to realize this, and the way I did it was by becoming a sieve.

    Let me explain what being a sieve means.

    We hear and see things hundreds of times a day.

    We hear a train whistle. We step on a leaf. We hear the words “thank you.” We watch a cat jump on a fence. Our days are filled with sensory input.

    We take it all in at the moment, then we allow it to pass. We still may hold on to the memory, but this experience hasn’t affected us. We allowed them to pass right through us.

    Then there are things that we don’t allow to pass: the judgmental glare, the insinuation that we ate too much, the lack of appreciation, the insult from a nearby driver.

    These instances stick with us. We didn’t let them pass like we did with the cat jumping over the fence. Instead, we fed these experiences with thought after thought, dissecting and defining. We absorbed it all.

    Why? Why do we hold on to some things and allow others to stay with us?

    We think about and keep alive certain experiences. Some are good, like the passionate kiss we received from a lover or a simple smile from a passing stranger. Keep these ones that feel good. Let them nourish you.

    But when you come across an experience that doesn’t feel good, be a sieve. Let what feels bad go straight through you. Don’t hesitate. Don’t let the thoughts or anger take over.

    Here are the extremely simple yet life-changing steps to letting go.

    1. Recognize the bad feeling that comes from words directed at you. Here you have the choice to feed the experience with thoughts or to just let them go.
    1. If you are willing to let the experience go, imagine yourself as a sieve. Now see the bad words and thoughts pass right through you.

    For example, let’s say a friend tells you that a mutual acquaintance said something negative about you, and you immediately feel hurt and angry.

    You could spend the next ten minutes to a week, or even more, dissecting what was said and keeping it alive. Or, you could consider that it’s not personal—that the other person may have been having a bad day, or projecting their own issues onto you—and then choose to let it pass right through you.

    I don’t know about you, but I think the second option would feel a lot better.

    After some practice, being a sieve will become second nature, and all that negativity you once experienced will disappear and go right through you, floating away to be transmuted into something better.

    Maybe the old adage is valid. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you—so long as you don’t let them.

    Be a sieve and filter it out.

    *This post is referring to occasional rude, ignorant, or insensitive comments, not ongoing verbal abuse. You can read a little more about verbal abuse, and how to respond to it, here.

  • You Can Have The Love You Deserve If You Just Let Go

    You Can Have The Love You Deserve If You Just Let Go

    “Even if it seems like it’s taking too long for what we want to arrive, it’s better to stay with the ache than abandon the desire.” ~Danielle Laporte

    Last week when I was in the front row of a yoga class, I moved my hips up and back into downward dog, and through my legs saw the top of my ex-boyfriend’s head. I hadn’t seen him in months, and I wasn’t really interested in having small talk with the man who’d crushed my heart.

    He approached me, eyes shining, happy to see me. I, on the other hand, drove home, walked into my apartment, and sat on the bed for a good cry.

    I cried because when I saw him, all of the love came rushing back in and because he didn’t seem to have a clue how much he’d hurt me. So I found myself considering reaching out again.

    Should I write him an email so he knows how much he’s hurt me? Should I get coffee with him and fill him in on everything he seems to not understand?

    My mind was moving into “fix it” mode, my habitual state. It’s a controlling tendency, something that has kept me in back-and-forth relationships for most of my life.

    You see, I have had many opportunities to learn the lesson of letting go throughout my life. People I loved have died, friends have vanished, and men have come and gone. Every single time I have had the opportunity to let go, I have fought it.

    We fight letting go because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of what’s on the other side.

    First we’re afraid of the pain we’re going to have to face when we let go, and then we’re afraid that things won’t be okay. We’ll never find love again. No one will ever be as good. The pain will never stop. we’re unlovable.

    When I was going through the devastating first weeks of my breakup, I kept getting the same message over and over again: You are being cleared out for something amazing to come in. Deep inside me, buried quietly under the overwhelming heartache, was my soul nodding yes.

    I have actively faced my pain over and over again these past few months.

    I know that to heal we have to be with our feelings so we can release them. I cried more than I ever have in my life. I went deeper into my darkness than ever before. I saw the unworthiness I felt and all the fears. I was braver than I’ve ever been.

    Because of that bravery, I’m connected to my soul in a completely new way. Instead of just hearing it, I am fully abiding by it.

    My soul is telling me clearly that it’s time for me to get what I deserve in life, and the only thing that has been holding me back is myself.

    I have been making choices that aren’t serving my highest self. I have dated men who were not capable of holding space for a strong, passionate, big-hearted woman. It has felt easier to fall in love and to keep giving chances than it has been to say no and hold out for a partner who is right for me.

    I desire a relationship with a man who I can deeply connect with. Who gets me. Who can open his heart as big as I can open mine. Who won’t run away because he’s afraid. Who can hold space for me to live in my power just as I will hold space for him.

    I desire an incredible partnership that is mutual and trusting and loving and joyful and honest.

    And I deserve it. I am finally waking up to the fact that I deserve that kind of love.

    I am finally waking up to the fact that if I want to have that kind of love, then I need to do things differently. I have to listen to my soul and choose to give myself what I deserve. I have to allow that man into my life.

    So the aching, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for a little bit longer while the right person finds his way to me. It’s worth it so I can learn more about myself.

    There are times when it’s your turn to take responsibility, to be the one to reach out and make amends. But if you’re on the Can’t Let Go Bandwagon like me, you probably need to delete that email, put the phone down, and bring the focus back to you.

    When we find ourselves reaching out for someone else, it’s usually a sign that we need to pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves what it is we deserve. Then we have to let go of the need to ask someone else to give that to us and give it to ourselves instead. That’s self-love. That’s self-respect.

    We stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t feel like we deserve anything more. We refuse to let go of exes because we don’t trust that someone better suited for us will come along. We reach outside of ourselves to feel better because we’re terrified of facing the pain.

    The truth is that you can actually have what you truly desire. You can have the great love and whatever else your soul is yearning for. It just might show up in a different package than your mind is willing to accept right now.

    When we have deep faith that everything is exactly as it needs to be, that the universe is supporting us, and that good things are coming, then we’re capable of letting go. We trust that it’s all going to work out.

    If you want something greater for your life, pay attention to where you’re reaching outside of yourself. In those moments, choose to pause and breathe. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Feel the pain you’re running from. Cry if you need to.

    Embrace the pain and the fear and the hurt and love yourself through it all. That is your job, no one else’s.

    Do this over and over again until you find yourself more and more free. Trust that everything is exactly as it needs to be. Be patient. Stay with the ache a little bit longer. Something big is coming your way.

  • How to Enjoy Your Days More: 4 Ways to Live Life to the Fullest

    How to Enjoy Your Days More: 4 Ways to Live Life to the Fullest

    “It wasn’t until I slowed the car and rolled down the windows that I realized I spend most of my days driving ‘through’ life without driving ‘in’ life. So, I’ve decided to walk because the pace is slower and the windows are always down.” ~Craig D. Lounsbrough

    Voices—they’re everywhere. As soon as I wake up, I can feel the stress of keeping up with their demands. As soon as I look at my smartphone, I am overwhelmed with all the notifications “needing” attention. They seem to pull me in every direction and keep me dodging here and there, attempting to keep up with all the differing opinions, unnecessary tasks, and media.

    The sound of the voices seems to echo throughout every part of our lives. Calling to us from our Snapchat notifications, our workplace newsletters, and our family reunions. Wherever we go, distractions and other people’s opinions shout for our attention.

    We desperately try to keep up with the influx of media, news, responsibilities, and social events, but we often find ourselves too worn out to really enjoy any of the aspects of our lives. Everything seems bland and dull, like an endless mill of things to do and ponder that we aimlessly run to keep up with, much like a hamster on a wheel.

    So how can we truly relish the fullness of life?

    1. Say “no” to unnecessary activities and busyness.

    It’s hard for us to really experience and enjoy life when we are so busy running from place to place taking care of extra work or someone else’s duties. We hardly even have time to realize what we are doing much less to fully live in each moment.

    Instead, we brush the surface of precious moments that we pass through instead of diving in and immersing ourselves in the embrace of a partner, the warmth of the sunshine, and the taste of home-baked cookies. We simply don’t have time to experience the essence of what makes life good when we say “yes” to unnecessary responsibilities.

    Part of the problem is that we simply have far too much to do. We need to learn to say “no” sometimes to the extra burdens our work, friends, or even family members beg us to take care of.

    Don’t say “yes” to an added responsibility when you already feel too busy. Sure, your friend might be disappointed, but if she is really your friend, she will eventually understand that her problems aren’t yours to solve. Learn to politely but firmly decline from taking on too many tasks.

    As a recovering perfectionist, I have a hard time saying “no” to tasks I know I could do well. This past year I’ve had to learn that I can’t do everything.

    I’m getting married in the winter and beginning graduate school, so I have a lot on my plate. But, when people ask me if I could play my violin for their wedding or church service, I have had to weigh which events are priority and which ones I simply don’t have time for. For instance, saying “yes” to helping with a close friend’s surprise wedding this summer versus getting paid to play my violin at a stranger’s wedding.

    I’ve even had to decide which social events I really have the time, energy, and desire to go to versus the ones that sound too stressful or that simply don’t fit into my schedule. In short, I have had to learn to say “no” to unnecessary activities, even if my decision might disappoint someone. Only by avoiding extra busyness have I begun to truly experience and live in each moment.

    2. Minimize your exposure to media.

    Media is everywhere around us in today’s society. From television to smartphones to iPads, we are constantly flooded with media. In fact, we often get so distracted by media that we feel like we have to check Instagram every five minutes and we have to watch the news every morning and we have to post one more tweet on Twitter.

    The media saturation can cause us to be distracted from our work, family, and hobbies. Just recently, I noticed that even though I see my fiancé only on weekends I was scrolling through Instagram more than I actually conversed with him. I was too busy taking creative pictures and reviewing the likes and comments on my posts.

    Every time I had a free moment, I would feel the urge to check my phone. In fact, I would sometimes find myself sitting next to my fiancé on the couch, blankly scrolling through Instagram instead of engaging in real, deep conversations. As a result, I uninstalled Instagram.

    Almost instantly, I noticed a change. I didn’t feel like I had to check my phone all the time. I felt more attached to my partner and looked forward to spending time talking with him. I was less superficial and less worried about how I looked.

    Furthermore, I became interested in my old hobbies like writing poetry and reading, now that I was less distracted with social media. I miraculously looked forward to work and what I could accomplish each day. Clearly, we need to avoid becoming distracted by media, so we can more fully experience life.

    3. Take time to do the things you love.

    Many times, we think that as adults, we should outgrow hobbies and live in the routine of work and household responsibilities. While adult life does include many more necessary duties, we should not let our daily tasks keep us from occasionally taking time out to do the things we love.

    Remember what you used to do in your free time? Take a minute to read a chapter of your favorite book, to go birding at your local park, or ride your bicycle downtown. Sure, you might not be able to do it very often, but don’t let the busyness of life keep you from doing the things that bring that extra sparkle of life to your eyes. Just because you’re a busy adult doesn’t mean you should never have a little fun or relish doing something just for the enjoyment of it.

    For me, that meant sitting down to write this article. Or, going to the library and finding a couple of good books to read. Or, writing a few quirky poems to add to my poetry collection. Without realizing it, I had allowed myself to be so busy that I had stopped doing the things that I loved, and I just kept chasing after the things I had to do without ever coming to the end of them.

    There will always be more necessary activities to do in life. But, your hobbies are part of what make you uniquely “you.” Learn to take time to cherish those activities and to experience the joy they give you. The constant grind of work and home duties can grind a person’s spirit into the dust. But, pausing to do something you love can help bring vibrancy and vitality back int your life.

    4. Be authentic to your beliefs and values, even if it goes against popular beliefs or the opinions of those close to you.

    Letting other people’s opinions control our lives can squelch our creativity and joy in life. Constantly worrying about what other people think is draining and keeps us from experiencing life fully and genuinely. We are always uneasy when we are pretending to be what we are not, and we are always dissatisfied when we are living in a way we would not live unless society told us we should live that way.

    I was lucky to grow up in a wonderful, loving home that nurtured and grew me. However, when I started college, I realized that I had absorbed so much of what my family, community, and society believed that I needed to figure out what I really felt and thought to see if it was the same.

    I had to sort through what I did because I’d always done it that way and what I did because I believed it should be done that way. I had to discover what I felt about social issues because I’d absorbed what society taught me and what I felt about injustices because that’s what I’d discovered to be true.

    I had to decide whether it was more authentic for me to continue my career as a musician because I’d played violin since I was a toddler, or if my talents and life experience led me to explore a different field of study like writing and library science.

    The people around me didn’t all support my career change. Some even challenged me because they thought it was a waste of talent and that I was “too smart” to be a librarian. At times like this, I’ve had to consider my choices and decide to stand up for myself, even if others didn’t agree with me.

    Other times, I’ve had to reconsider my choices and beliefs again and have discovered new, even more fulfilling truths. In either case, I’m learning to be genuine and make decisions that I believe support my convictions and who I am, instead of living to please other people.

    Living life genuinely gives us the freedom to be authentic. We can make decisions logically and emotionally from the values that we hold to be true, and thus we can be fully content with our decisions.

    We do not need to pretend in order to make more friends or please our family. If our friends truly love who we really are, they will accept us and all our idiosyncrasies without us having to put on a façade.

    In the same way, we need to put up boundaries with our families and disconnect ourselves a healthy distance from family dictums, so that we can discover for ourselves what we really believe, how we really want to live, and what we really want to accomplish in life.

    We need to learn to make decisions because we think they are right, not because that’s how everyone else does it, because that is what is acceptable to society, or because that is how our families did things. Only when we can stay authentic to our own values and beliefs can we truly feel satisfied and live life to the fullest.

    With so many distractions and opinions surrounding us every day, it can be difficult to be fully present and truly experience each moment of our lives. But, if we say “no” to extra duties, if we reduce our time distracted by media, if we take time to do the things we love, and if we stay true to our own values and beliefs, we will find ourselves enjoying more of our days.

  • What to Do When the World Doesn’t Get You

    What to Do When the World Doesn’t Get You

    Drunk or High at a Nightclub

    “Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” ~Pema Chödrön

    For as long as I can remember, I have always been a little different, defiantly so.

    I was that child who never liked cartoons. I was nicknamed “the little old lady” for the things I said at the age of five.

    I was that girl from northern Vietnam who refused to change her accent and use of language while schooling in the south, despite being made a subject of ridicule for that.

    I was the only pupil that felt indignant about having analyses of literature imposed on us at school—why did everyone have to think and feel the same way about a poem?

    The feeling of being out of place plagued my childhood and early adolescence.

    My disposition as an outsider deepened during my time studying in Singapore. It was bad enough that I found nothing in common with the locals, but I did not feel an affinity with other Vietnamese students either. Joined by origins and circumstances, we were supposed to feel a bond, but I only felt my difference in interests and values.

    When I left Vietnam and subsequently Singapore, I did not know how I would fund my future studies beyond the scholarships I was given. But in my mind, the pain of feeling an outsider justified the risks. I left in search of a place to belong.

    My sense of isolation became acute after university. I was probably more out of place in the investment bank I worked for than I had ever been in my life.

    Although I was very open to my colleagues, I did not develop the kind of relationships that surpassed our time working together. At the same time, I became more distinctly different from my friends. They all wanted to get their first car, buy their first home, and start a family, none of which was a priority of mine.

    Over the years I learned to make peace with the notion that the world did not get me. I was relatively comfortable with my difference but deep down, I never gave up on a hunt for “my tribe.”

    When I eventually found my calling and immersed in the world of entrepreneurs who cared about doing good things in the world, I thought my search was finally over. Yet as the months went by, I once again became acutely aware of how different I was from them all.

    It was then that I decided to look at the matter more closely.

    It became apparent to me that my unreserved self-expression actually did not help people understand me; I seemed to have a different mode of communication from everyone else! As a result, I was almost always “misinterpreted” in early encounters.

    With this realization, it was tempting to conform to social norms and expectations, just to be more understood. Yet I could not bring myself to do it. The idea of adopting “inorganic” behaviors for no good reason did not sit well with me. After all, I never offended or harmed anyone with my way of being.

    This conflict of wanting to be more understood while being fiercely protective of my authenticity came up in a deep conversation I had with someone. For the first time, I was hit by the thought that rather than the world refusing to connect, it may have been me all along.

    Could it be that at some point during my childhood I assumed that my difference would never be welcomed, so I built a self-defense mechanism that kept me from engaging and risking rejection?

    That could not be right. I was always unreservedly open about myself. I had a genuine interest in people and an ability to empathize. How could these not have come from an open heart?

    Yet my heart knew that it was more open to let out than to let in.

    I used to feel that amongst the few, I bore the curse of being different, and in order to not get hurt, I would only let in the special ones who “got” me. From the lofty height of my proud difference, I filtered people as those who I could potentially connect with and those who would be unlikely to get me.

    I had little patience for people who did not seem to be on the same wavelength. While I would still be genuinely interested in their stories, my intention to connect would be taken out of the conversation.

    This filtering process continued throughout every relationship of mine. I remember being disappointed with good friends for remarks that felt off, and a part of me would be forever shut to them from that moment on.

    I was doing to others what I felt the world was doing to me. I judged! The more new people I met on a regular basis, the faster my filtering process became and the more despondent I grew about making new friends.

    I felt a twinge in my heart at this realization.

    And then something hit me.

    More compassion. Yes, I needed more compassion.

    If I could listen with compassion to those I did not instantly like, I wouldn’t dismiss them so quickly. Then who knows, maybe I would find a connection with them on some level.

    If I did not write off everyone who made an unwelcomed remark to me, I would spend more time trying to understand their perspective. Then who knows, maybe I would find that I had simply misunderstood them.

    If I could have more compassion for this world, which works on bases so different from my own, maybe I would not see my difference as such a hindrance for connection.

    If I had more compassion for myself, maybe I could start to believe that I, too, would be loved and understood for who I am by the majority of people out there.

    If I believed that there was always a place for my individuality, maybe I could feel a sense of belonging anywhere in the world. If I believed that I did not need similarity for connection, maybe I could stop the search for “my tribe.”

    I have finally realized that we are all different in our own ways, and what I struggle with, many others do too.

    Making myself special and playing the victim role did protect me, for decades, from becoming someone else. But it also took away my faith in the abundance of compassion out there.

    Whoever you are and whatever your difference may be, there is enough love, respect, and understanding for all of us. Will you choose to believe?

  • How to Confront Someone When You’re Afraid of Conflict

    How to Confront Someone When You’re Afraid of Conflict

    “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict.” ~Dorothy Thompson

    I used to think that in order to live a completely peaceful existence, there could never be any conflict in my life, so I would do anything possible to avoid it.

    That included selling myself short, never sticking up for myself, and effectively compromising my value. That didn’t seem like the road to peace.

    The odd time I did say something, it still felt like a losing situation because I never felt I actually gained anything.

    Conflict scared me. It made me feel like I was a bad person or not spiritually evolved enough.

    About ten years ago, it became apparent that I simply couldn’t maintain a functional relationship with my in-laws, and I was devastated. The relationship became only about conflict, and it was simply too much for me.

    After saying goodbye to that dream of being part of one big happy family, I felt traumatized and fearful whenever I was faced with any sort of conflict.

    Despite always trying to do the right thing, I have had a falling out with a family member, an argument with a good friend, and a teeny, tiny disagreement with a colleague that became a much bigger drama than it should have.

    Each time I tried to learn from the previous situation and handle things differently; each time it didn’t work out for me. I was left wondering, what’s the best way to handle conflict?

    When someone does something to upset you, do you say how you feel? Do you ignore it and let it blow over? Is there another option?

    First, I decided to question my belief about conflict. Do I have to view conflict as a negative thing?

    It’s impossible to be perfectly aligned with everyone in our life so that no conflict ever arises. Expecting that is just going to result in disappointment, or, as in my case, feeling like I was lacking in some way when I couldn’t achieve that.

    Sometimes it doesn’t seem right to ignore things either.

    When someone is out of line, do we have a duty to make them aware of their impact on others? When someone is being unkind to you, isn’t it showing yourself kindness to put a stop to it? Is potential conflict your opportunity for growth?

    If you have a relationship in which you know that sharing your feelings is safe and the other person will respond positively, then you likely don’t even have to contemplate what you should do.

    It becomes difficult when you feel unsafe, so you start debating whether to ignore things or tell someone you’re hurt or angry.

    If we ignore it, we run the risk of the relationship with that person revolving around how we’re upset with them. We then look for any wrongdoings as evidence; that makes that story true and justified. Things can snowball, and then we can misinterpret everything they do or say in order to support what we believe.

    Telling people how we feel sometimes isn’t a good idea either. (Again, I should point out that I am talking about situations where conflict has the potential to increase—maybe with difficult family members, certain acquaintances, or challenging friends).

    If we tell people how we feel, there is an expectation for them to accept or at least acknowledge that we feel that way. That might not happen. The other person might not be capable of that, and things then escalate.

    Instead, they might go straight to defending themselves. Chances are, the other person did not intend to hurt you, and telling them will make them feel bad, intensifying the situation. This is not the foundation in which to resolve conflict.

    Fact and truth are different. Facts aren’t disputable. Truth is.

    There is your truth, and then there is what is true for the other person. Both truths are based on perception, which can be completely different.

    That doesn’t mean that one is right and the other is wrong. It means that truth can be different for everyone, because it’s influenced by one’s experiences, wisdom, and thoughts.

    We expect to feel better by telling someone how we feel and then can blame the other person if that doesn’t happen, making things worse.

    So, is there another option? Yes, yes there is. Instead, tell them what you need.

    Defining what you need requires a bit of self-reflection, and that allows you to work through what is your ‘stuff.’

    If you are angry with the other person and actually can’t whittle it down to being able to ask for something you need from them, then perhaps it is an internal conflict that the other person triggered, and you actually don’t need to involve them.

    Focusing on what you need removes “should” and “should not” from your internal dialogue –”they shouldn’t be so insensitive” or “they should be more respectful.” It isn’t true that they should or shouldn’t be a certain way; that’s just something you want.

    After determining how their behavior is affecting you, you can then discover what you need or would like to change.

    The intention of simply asking for what you need is not to elaborate, but if the other person seeks to understand the situation further, then they might ask questions that lead you to sharing your feelings.

    This becomes more of a conversation rather than a confrontation, because the person knows up front what is expected from them and they invited you to share your feelings; therefore, the dynamic in the discussion is different.

    Sometimes asking for what you need results in creating boundaries, which are useful and essential in life. (But remember that enforcing boundaries creates separation, which is kind of the point. But if you don’t seek to show your affection within those boundaries, the other person may just feel rejected.)

    There is no perfect approach to conflict; there is no surefire way that ensures both parties go through the process without being hurt or upset. And I certainly don’t think that we should never tell people how we feel.

    What I am suggesting is that sometimes, in some situations with certain people, it doesn’t help to voice our feelings (and it never accomplishes anything), so taking this approach to only ask for what you need might be more useful.

    Unfortunately for me, some of my conflict has resulted in me taking a major step back from certain people, which raises another important question: How do you know when enough is enough? What if there is continual conflict, or you don’t receive what you need?

    If grieving that relationship is a less painful option than having that person remain in your life, then that is something for you to consider, especially if it affects your self-worth.

    If I had asked my in-laws for what I needed, might things have turned out differently? Maybe.

    If I knew what they needed might it have changed things? Probably.

    If it didn’t conflict with my boundaries, then I would have accommodated their needs any way I could, had I known what they were.

    I know that things would have been very different with my family member if I had just said, “I need your support; I want us to be closer because you matter to me” instead of just feeling rejected, dismissed, and criticized.

    Or, if I had just said to my friend who would always cancel our plans at the last minute, “Can we only make arrangements if you are sure you won’t have to cancel, because I really want to see you.”

    Or, to my colleague, who I thought was being insensitive when a conflict of interest had arisen, “Maybe we should avoid talking about this topic until there is no conflict of interest, but I really enjoy talking to you, so let’s just focus on other things.”

    Asking for what you need, instead of focusing on the other person’s negative behavior and your feelings, is going to make it easier for them to respond to you, especially if you follow your request up with a positive statement.

    So, next time you are debating whether to ignore something or say when you have been upset, try asking yourself, “What do I need?”

  • 6 Ways Gratitude Can Improve Your Life and Make You Happier

    6 Ways Gratitude Can Improve Your Life and Make You Happier

    Girl with heart

    “I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.” ~Brené Brown

    For the longest time I sought after happiness in the wrong place, and I wasn’t always leading with my heart to obtain joy.

    I used to picture myself living in a big house, with nice things to furnish and fill the fantasy home I dreamed of.

    I didn’t obtain this large dream home, and I’ve learned that it’s not important, nor is it what I want. I’ve been fortunate to live in a moderate home with exactly the things I need, and more—a happy, healthy, loving family.

    Prior to gaining the wisdom of wanting less, I spent a lot of money on material items, because, one, I thought I deserved it on a good day, because I was “celebrating,” or I worked too hard not to have it; two, I told myself I had to shop on a bad day, because I needed to cheer myself up; three, I shopped out of boredom; or four, I went shopping as a social activity.

    After collecting these possessions of “happiness,” I realized my life wasn’t totally fulfilling and satisfying.

    In fact, I eventually became short-tempered, overwhelmed, and stressed out. I was overwhelmed with the amount of maintenance these material things required, while caring for my family.

    My belongings took over my life, and, therefore, I lost myself underneath everything. I started to hate what I was becoming—someone who wasn’t consistently happy, and someone that lost track of what mattered most.

    My perspective on life changed when my daughter came into my world in 2014. A few months after her arrival, I made a change that has significantly changed me for the better and brought more happiness by

    Practicing Gratitude and Living Simply

    Being thankful for the essentials—appreciating what I already have—has allowed me to live more simply. It’s also revealed these benefits…

    1. You’re better able to be present.

    Being thankful reminds us of what we have to be grateful for in our current state, and that helps us be more present.

    I used to worry more about what I didn’t have and seemed to constantly strive for these things. That changed when I figured out how to be thankful for what I have and in the most important place—the present.

    There’s no better moment than the now. Practice gratitude to enable yourself to be entirely present.

    2. It boosts confidence.

    When you focus on appreciating what you have, you feel less concerned about what you lack, and that can help boost confidence.

    Now that I’m more accepting of myself and my life, I don’t compare myself to others and I take pride in paving my own path. It’s a great feeling to do things that are best for me and my family, without trying to please the rest of the world.

    3. Being thankful means less worry.

    Practicing gratitude helps lift away worry because you recognize and appreciate that you have enough.

    Knowing that I have the essentials brings me relaxation and eases my mind. I’m also more at peace because I don’t add things that aren’t valuable to my life in order to avoid the stress they carry.

    4. Gratitude improves your sleep.

    Recognizing our blessings and worrying less enables us to sleep better.

    It’s a rare event that I’m up tossing and turning because of stress or worry. If something is keeping you from falling asleep, think of a few thoughts that bring gratitude.

    5. It also improves relationships.

    Showing gratitude toward others goes a long way and creates better connections.

    I’m thankful for my family every day. They’re my favorite people and I love being with them. Prior to practicing daily gratitude, it was easiest to take frustrations out on them first. Why? Because I’m most comfortable expressing myself with them, and they put up with me and love me no matter what.

    Since I’m so thankful for my family, and because they love me without question, I’ve improved how I let anger out and make it a point to convey my love for them on a daily basis.

    I want to leave this world knowing that I tried to give people the best version of who I am, with the hope that they know how thankful I am for them. Being around inspirational and joyful souls is contagious, and I aspire to be this type of individual.

    6. Gratitude leads to generosity, which can be highly rewarding.

    Observing thankfulness helps us identify how fortunate we are, which naturally gives us the desire to give.

    I personally prefer not to give material things, as I don’t find it as rewarding as other forms of giving. Sure, it’s nice to give someone a gift they need, but I believe there is more value in giving time or helping a hand.

    Time is priceless, and these days it seems our schedules are packed to the max. People scurry from one place to another, and at the end of the day, they feel stressed and dissatisfied.

    I’ve discovered immense joy in donating my time or helping someone in need. It’s gratifying being able to help with something as small as holding a door open or as big as helping feed the hungry.

    Discover the benefits of giving by helping a friend, family, or the community.

    —

    Practicing gratitude has led me to greater happiness and a better me. The same can happen for you.

    Allow yourself to live simply and make life less complex, in as many ways possible; remove unneeded possessions, stop doing unimportant tasks, or say “no, thank you” to an activity that doesn’t fit in the schedule.

    Start each day with gratitude. There is always something to be thankful for—family, watching spring bloom, your favorite song, or feeling the warm sun on your face. And don’t forget to smile when thinking about these things; it’s a quick and easy way to fill your heart with gratitude and live in those extraordinary moments.

  • What You Need to Know When You’re Considering a Big, Scary Change

    What You Need to Know When You’re Considering a Big, Scary Change

    “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Ten months ago I found myself floating on my back in an outdoor pool somewhere in California. Overhead was a clear blue sky, leaves dancing in the breeze, and birds singing their morning song.

    I felt more alive in that moment than I had in years. And so I made a promise to myself, right there and then, not to forget this feeling. I made a promise that I’d follow it. I made a promise that this feeling wouldn’t just be a three-month trip to a new country, but that I’d make it my entire life.

    And that’s how I came to be selling the flat I’ve lived in in London, the UK’s capital, for the last eight years.

    That’s how I came to be standing on the edge of something entirely new and uncertain and unknown.

    That’s how I came to be on the verge of yet another adventure. By noticing something that made me feel alive and promising myself I’d do whatever it took to bring more of that feeling into my life, until that feeling was my life.

    So here I am, sitting at my kitchen table, tapping out these words surrounded by the beginnings of packed up boxes, bags for the local charity shops, and the promise of a new life. The promise of a life made up of “that” feeling.

    For me, “that” feeling is about nature, wide-open spaces and a large majority of my time spent outdoors.

    And I’m excited, I am. There’s real excitement there. But layered up over that excitement?

    Fear.

    Here’s why:

    Travel’s so exciting, right? It’s adventure and freedom and play and sun and ocean. It’s the romantic idea of exploring new places, meeting new people, and tasting new cultures.

    Except, I don’t want to travel. I have no desire to travel the world. No desire to move from place to place. No desire to live out of a suitcase or a backpack. No desire to jump on the Bali bandwagon.

    I want a home. A community. A base. I want to be around friends. I want some continuity. And I want a partner to share my life with.

    And I have all of that. Right here in London I have it all. (Except the partner, that is.)

    But what I also have is an environment that’s suffocating me. I feel hemmed in, limited, detached from my true nature. And I know it’s time to leave.

    But leave for what? For where? I’m packing up my life and I don’t even know!

    I’m afraid I’ll never find another place that feels like home. Afraid I’ll become a lonely drifter, never quite finding the place I fit in.

    I’m afraid I’ll never meet my life partner because I’m unable to settle anywhere.

    I’m afraid I’ll wake up one morning and find myself old and alone. I can’t tell you how afraid I am of being alone.

    But you know what I know, amongst all that fear?

    That without this next step I cannot pass Go, cannot collect $200, and cannot create the most beautiful vision I hold for my life.

    The reason I wanted to share this story with you is this:

    The beauty of your life is that you get to create it in any way you want. You can create the sort of life that feels truly fulfilling and deeply aligned in every way, but life will always require you to let go of something before the next thing is in sight.

    If you find yourself stepping out onto that cliff edge right now, or making a decision to take that step, not knowing what the outcome will be or where you’ll end up, these are things I hope will help:

    Sometimes you have to close a door before another will open.

    I remember back in 2012 when I left my job to “figure out what I wanted to do with my life,” there was some confusion amongst the people I knew at how I could leave a well-paid, respectable job behind without any real idea of what I wanted to do next.

    I didn’t have an answer for them.

    The only thing I knew at the time was, “this isn’t it.”

    Stepping into that uncertainty paid off. I wound up starting my own business, which I’m grateful for each and every day. And I know, without a shred of doubt, I wouldn’t be here today, doing work I love on my own terms, if I hadn’t made that leap.

    And as much as I’m afraid right now, I know this is the same.

    Sometimes there are ways to build a bridge between the life you have now and the life you want in the future. But even when that’s possible, at some point, you’re always going to have to make a final leap. And it’s that leap and the final letting go of what was, that opens the way for what will be.

    To be reborn, you first have to die. To rise from the ashes, you first have to burn.

    Closing doors is scary, yes. But I comfort myself with the knowledge that there are few doors in life that can’t be re-opened in some way, shape, or form. And the likelihood is you’ll never actually want to do that when you see all the new ones that open to you.

    Other people’s fear is just that, theirs. Don’t take it with you.

    To many people, selling property in London is equivalent to murdering your own child. It’s just not something any sane person does. Alongside my own natural worries and fears about my decision, I’ve had to cope with other people’s fear too.

    I’ve had to untangle myself from other people’s thoughts about my life. I’ve had to step aside from the fear other people hold on my behalf.

    After nearly four years out in the world carving my own path, this is something I know to be true:

    Other people’s fear has nothing to do with you. Do not take it with you. People see life through the lens of their own experience and sometimes they find it difficult to see that their experience might not be the same as yours.

    Don’t let other people’s fear hold you back.

    Have courage and trust.

    Like most people, I’ve lived through some significant, and often tough, life events in my thirty-three years on the planet.

    In each of those moments it’s felt like I might not come through. Like the world might end, even. Heartbreak, most recently.

    But every time I’ve come through, and I’m beginning to realize I can always handle it. That no matter what life brings, I will, in fact, always be okay.

    As you leave the comfort of what you know, whether that’s a relationship, a job, a place or something else, know that you have the strength inside you to cope with every situation life might conjure up.

    What happens if you remain where you are?

    At the end of the day, I ask myself, what happens if I stay?

    My own answer to this question right now is stagnation. And since I believe my ultimate purpose is to grow, I don’t really have much of a choice.

    When faced with the fear of stepping into an unknown future, ask yourself, what happens if I don’t? And is that something I’m willing to accept?

    Your answer might just give you that final little nudge you need to step into the void and find out what life has in store for you next.

    And if all that fails? Well, just remember Oprah, who said there are no wrong paths in life. And Oprah never gets it wrong, right?

  • How To Take Your Life Back From People Who Ask for Too Much

    How To Take Your Life Back From People Who Ask for Too Much

    Say no

    “It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority.” ~Mandy Hale

    It sucks, doesn’t it?

    People who ask too much of you?

    People who steal your time and drain your energy.

    Who just keep on attacking your natural defenses, abusing your loyalty and exploiting your love.

    You want to stop giving, to say no! But frustratingly, when you try to pull away, they say or imply that you’re the selfish one.

    And in some cases it’s unwanted or impractical to distance yourself from that person, especially if they’re a family member or even a partner.

    But if you do give in to the barrage of persistent requests, the cumulative effect can be devastating to your emotional and physical well-being.

    I know from personal experience.

    A Lost Life

    Oh dear, life turned out not so great for my mum, bless her. The more her life came unglued, the more she retreated into a space she felt comfortable in. With each setback, she stepped further back, refusing to take action, to accept responsibility.

    It became noticeable when she stopped driving. Nothing had happened, no accident or near miss to cause anxiety, but driving meant she could accomplish tasks that needed doing, and that meant taking responsibility.

    From an early age any errands beyond the village fell to me. Soon that became errands in the village—going to the bank or getting the washing machine repaired, and soon, more and more tasks in the house.

    With every errand I ran, there were another two waiting.

    Even back then I could see Mum was looking for attention. She fell into being needy to be assured that she was loved. But no matter how often I told her I loved her, those words weren’t enough.

    When I left for university, it was to the closest campus to Mum, not to the best one for my future. And when I had to move further away from home to find work, the flood of requests never lessened. Moving out had felt callous enough, so I put up with the four-hour journey back and forth to home every few days without a word.

    My life was dealing with hers, from my late teens to early thirties. And I took it on, willingly out of love but also unwittingly out of ignorance.

    Hindsight really is a wonderful gift. After Mum passed away I looked back over so many years and saw that neither of us had lived our lives at all.

    I wish I’d had the courage to explain to her that me doing all that she asked wasn’t filling any holes in her life. That I was missing out on living mine, yet it was solving nothing in hers. That way we both could have blossomed.

    That is the most painful lesson I think I will ever learn.

    But oh boy, I now recognize when someone is asking for too much. I still understand that constant or unreasonable demands are borne of the other person’s struggles. But I’ve mastered the tenets of a healthy relationship—reasonable limits and mutual respect. Without those two things, it’s unhealthy, detrimental, even damaging.

    But saying no isn’t usually our happy place.

    Maybe you’ve tried to be assertive and drew back because it felt uncomfortable, unfamiliar.

    Take heart, you can seize your life back, and in many cases without confrontation.

    And even in cases where a little confrontation is unavoidable, maybe with a family member, there are ways to not freak out so you still have somewhere to go for the holidays.

    8 Ways To Take Your Life Back

    1. Make peace with them.

    When someone demands too much, it’s often a result of the fierceness of their own personal battles. If you try to put yourself in their shoes, in their head, sometimes you can reach an understanding that means your needs are still met and at the same time you feel that you’re not being selfish.

    Your elderly mother or granny may keep asking you to run errands for her, and it might seem that many of them are unnecessary or she could do them herself. But she may just be lonely and seeking company.

    If you can only find out what it is that’s eating her up inside, you may find a way to make peace with her and manage those demands sympathetically by offering a real solution, such as accompanying her to join a local friendship group… once or twice.

    2. Identify the threat.

    If someone tries to commandeer way too much of your time or energy in one go, then it’s easy to spot. However, they can also encroach upon your physical and mental resources little by little, almost imperceptibly.

    When they make a request, even a seemingly small one, pause before replying. Ask yourself, “If I say ‘yes’ to this, where might it lead in the future?” It’s always easier to say no to the first request than later on, when people have come to expect you to say yes routinely.

    If I’d been alert to Mum handing over tasks she could easily do, I could have helped support her in finding a way back into normal life without losing mine.

    3. Set up an early warning system.

    Identify your needs first. Work out which personal resources are critical to you achieving your physical and mental goals. Once you understand these, you can spot early on if someone is bombarding you with demands that will leave you low on reserves for your own life.

    If you have worked out you need an hour to yourself each day to recuperate, then if someone asks you to commit to something that would eat into that essential you-time, you can politely but firmly say “I’m sorry, but that’s my only time in the day to recharge, I’m sure you understand.”

    4. Secure your perimeter.

    Set up a mental and, if needed, physical barrier to attacks on your personal resources. If they cannot reach you, they can’t invade your life.

    Choose a separate ringtone for those demanding calls you need to leave unanswered. Put a sign on your bedroom or den door not to be disturbed. At work, be less available for unreasonable demands by leaving the building at lunchtime. For online intrusions, use social media blocking if you need to.

    Always being available not only makes it harder for you to say no, it gives exactly the wrong message to those making demands. Always being there actually says “Pick me, I’m right here waiting.”

    5. Think strategically.

    Learn to evaluate all requests. Think about the consequences down the road if you keep giving of your time, energy, and emotion. Are you getting anything back or is it just a one sided-game of take and take again? Not all requests need to be give and take, but on balance if you find yourself always giving and rarely, if ever, receiving, then it’s time to say no.

    In trying to help Mum, I gave her so much time and energy that she came to see it as expected. And finally she became reliant on me being available. If I’d looked ahead and set some limits, we both could have kept out independence and still enjoyed our relationship.

    6. Find your allies.

    If someone is forever expecting you to do their bidding, then it’s likely they are behaving this way to others you know, maybe family, friends, or co-workers. Get together and come up with a joint strategy for dealing with them and their persistent demands.

    By delivering a joint and consistent message, you will help the person making demands to see their behavior is universally unacceptable. You can also draw strength and comfort from united allies.

    Remember that though allies are helpful, they are far from essential. You can still communicate your own strong stance by choosing to confront an over-demanding person on your own. Just remember, be firm, be you.

    7. Stand your ground.

    Sometimes the only answer with people who are greedy for as much of you as they can grab is to face them head on and say no. Learning to stand up for yourself and refuse to bend to their will is essential to your self-esteem and self-preservation. There are many ways to say no without offending, although some people will take offense no matter what, so stand firm.

    Refuse to meet unreasonable demands by being honest but kind. However uncomfortable it might feel, you’ll walk away knowing you let them down gently and held onto your self-respect.

    8. Outmaneuver them.

    If someone persistently lays claim to your time, energy, and emotion, then try reversing the flow. Ask them for as much or more than they are asking of you. This makes it harder for them to justify their requests if they are not reciprocating in equal measure.

    If they are constantly asking you to run errands for them, ask them to run one for you. If they can’t for some reason, then request something that will take up an equal amount of their time. If they refuse, then ask, “But isn’t this the kind of thing you are asking me to do all the time? Do you think maybe it’s a little one-sided?”

    Again ask the question politely, quietly and in your own words. The idea is not to antagonize them, but to get them to look at their own behavior towards you. And of course, remember to give your elderly granny a little leeway!

    It’s Your Life—Take It Back

    Giving up your life for anyone isn’t noble unless they are incapacitated. It isn’t healthy. It absolutely isn’t necessary.

    Being the go-to person makes you the go-nowhere person. Your life is on hold, permanently.

    And if this sounds harsh, I’m sorry, but forever putting yourself second doesn’t help anyone.

    Aiding and abetting over-demanding behavior in others will never serve you or them. It will only perpetuate their own lack of self-reliance.

    If I’d said no to Mum, she would have had every chance of making a fantastic second go of her life.

    Don’t wait until hindsight tells you that you did it wrong.

    Take your life back right now.

    It’s your time.

  • How to Feel Better When You’re Down (Without Forcing Yourself to Be Positive)

    How to Feel Better When You’re Down (Without Forcing Yourself to Be Positive)

    Woman with dark cloud

    “Forget the failures. Keep the lessons.” ~Dalai Lama

    The year had finally come. I’d officially entered the “adult” world after celebrating my thirtieth birthday.

    I’d enjoyed being in my twenties. It was an incredible time for self-growth and healing after growing up in an unstable environment with a narcissistic, alcoholic father, and also a time of living life fully, having fun, and going on adventures.

    I felt pretty happy…until I hit thirty.

    I began examining my life not so positively anymore.

    Health problems had become more frequent and scary, my career path was ominous, I had not settled into a place where I wanted to live, and the answer to the big question for women my age (“Are you married with kids?”) was a definite “no.” I felt like I had nothing to show for myself.

    So, I resorted to one companion that I had known for a long time: the negativity blanket.

    We all have our times with the negativity blanket. It’s not soft, warm, or big, but it’s so familiar.

    I used the negativity blanket as protection during the times when I had no safe haven, when I had no comfort, no one to hug me and tell me it was all going to be okay. In a way, it helped me cope with the difficult aspects of my life.

    In my twenties I’d learned how to let go of that blanket. I’d learned about discarding old habits that were no longer serving me, accepting situations, fostering a positive mindset, and trying to find solutions to problems without allowing negativity to hold me back.

    The time had come to get back to that mentality—but I had to do it without shaming myself for my natural feelings.

    It’s easy to feel guilty about not being positive all the time, but we’re only human. It’s okay to have low times, so long as we don’t let them consume us.

    Below are some ways to gently move from a place of persistent negativity to more positivity.

    Go through what you have to go through.

    We all experience difficult emotions. Own them. If we do not own our emotions, we feel shame for having them and it’s harder to see the issue in front of us clearly. It may even become suppressed or internalized.

    I felt a string of mixed emotions before I turned thirty. Mostly, I felt lost and insecure because of where I was in life in comparison to a large majority of my peers. These were totally natural emotions.

    By letting myself feel them, I was eventually able to move beyond them. As they say, the only way out is through.

    Realize your triggers.

    It’s always easier to deal with something if you know what you are dealing with. Breaking down a problem and identifying your fears, unknowns, and stressors gives more clarity into what you can change, face, or let go, as well as what challenges you might have in front of you.

    For example, my triggers were fears related to being financially stable and cared for, as well as having someone to care for in the future. Realizing what was bothering me helped guide me through finding solutions, such as re-directing my life goals and working on being patient.

    Find space.

    Begin to create space between you and issues. Creating space means that you are taking a step back from your emotions and taking a look at what you’re experiencing a little more objectively.

    I began to work on shedding the shame I was feeling as a result of the narrative that I was telling myself, that I had no accomplishments when I turned thirty. Instead, I found space in between my feelings by relinquishing control over them. I stopped trying to control my future by planning or worrying, and instead focused on my hopes and intentions.

    Be grateful.

    Gratitude is a powerful tool. It’s the first step to setting a good mindset. You don’t have to be grateful for anything related to your problem; it helps just to identify three things you’re grateful for each day.

    I became aware of more value in the life I was living and began cultivating gratitude toward that. I was grateful for the opportunity to move to a different state, for my friends back home and in my new one, and for having the privilege to work as an ecological restoration technician on some of the most beautiful natural areas, I would argue, on this planet.

    Reminding yourself to be grateful allows you to see some richness in your life, regardless of what you’re going through.

    Take the good with the bad.

    It’s not that bad things don’t happen to good people, but the way we handle our issues depends on our perspective. A feeling of personal empowerment emerges when you are able to accept the bad and enjoy the good in each situation.

    Even though I had not spent my former years settling down, when I look back I see that I traveled to different countries and states, worked an array of cool jobs in the natural resources industry, got involved in various hobbies and activities that I never thought I could even do, and so much more.

    Watch for opportunities.

    During this hard time, I began to find opportunities to better myself. I started fine tuning my skills in the various activities I pursued and refined my habits into more appropriate and healthy ones. I realized that I had an opportunity to grow into a better person, and in a better direction than ever before.

    It may just take time and patience to realize what may come out of a situation; after all, to quote Joni Mitchell, “Something’s lost, yet something is gained in living every day.”

    Build strength.

    Call on your courage and see how this can make you stronger.

    I was having a terrible time traveling solo internationally at one point in my life and was reciting my woes to a hostel roommate of mine, who happened to have more bad luck than I did. Her perspective was “Sometimes the more you go through, the more you know you are able to handle.” Believe that.

    Focus on the lesson.

    If you look at past issues, are there any lessons that were learned? Did you get through them and did you feel good about that? That may be one silver lining.

    During this time, I was again reminded of how my perspective influences how I work through issues and how much I enjoy life. That negativity blanket was not as useful in the big picture of things.

    It’s not possible or healthy to be positive PollyAnna all day. Tragic events, trauma, and drama happen, and we have to go through anything that life hands us. When I felt bad for feeling bad, I reminded myself to stop being so hard on myself. This allowed me to accept my challenges and to recognize the beauty in my life.

    It’s the little things we do to motivate and encourage ourselves that bring positivity to our inner world.

    Accept all the emotions that arise, and don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Instead, gently pull yourself out of it, just as you’d offer compassion and support to a friend. With your own motivation and encouragement, you’ll feel much stronger overall, and a lot more positive.

  • How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain

    How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain

    “If a person’s basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful physical experience.” ~The Dalai Lama

    When I finished graduate school I was a bright-eyed engineer with a fresh diploma in hand, ready to take on the world. I landed a great job at a multinational engineering firm and began my career working with people from all over the world.

    So it was a major downer when, not long into my new job, I began to suffer from chronic migraines. Every day I would wake up feeling fine, but within a few minutes I would feel so lightheaded I was convinced my head was going to float away.

    It wasn’t because of stress, though, just genetics. My mother, grandfather, and great-grandmother all had experienced similar issues with migraines.

    Lights. Noise. Crowds. Computer screens. They made me feel miserable.

    I was able to hide my symptoms pretty well from friends and coworkers, but I needed relief. My symptoms were not typical for migraines, so the doctors I saw couldn’t help much, and I didn’t have any luck with homeopathic remedies. My mother suggested I try meditation; it had helped her with her symptoms before.

    Meditation?

    Being an analytically inclined engineer, I was skeptical. To me, like many of us, meditation was something reserved for monks who wore funny robes and lived in the mountains, far away from the commutes and crowds and endless computer screens of the modern world that give the rest of us of headaches.

    But I didn’t have anything to lose.

    I started with one minute a day. And then two. And then five.

    The more I meditated, the better my symptoms became. There were setbacks, but in general my condition improved. After a couple of years, going to a bar or writing an email didn’t make my head feel like it was going to explode.

    I finally felt like my old self again.

    I wasn’t sure if the improvement was solely due to meditation, but my analytical mind wanted to know more about it, with the more facts and hard data the better. According to the studies I have come across, meditation can:

    1. Improve focus and memory

    A 2013 UC Santa Barbara study published in Psychological Science found that mindfulness training, including meditation, can improve our ability to focus on tasks at hand and recall details from memory.

    For those of us who have hectic jobs and find that our attention is constantly jumping from our mobile phone, to our desk phone, to our email inbox, to the person standing at our desk, or to the millions of other office distractions, a few minutes of quiet meditation in the morning can positively affect our critical thinking skills.

    2. Reduce stress and anxiety

    Research at Harvard Medical School found that meditation can physically change the brain’s amygdala, the portion of our brain related to stress and anxiety, and lower our levels of stress.

    This one might seem like a no-brainer (pun definitely intended); if we are quiet and still, we will be calmer. But for all of the skeptics out there, like myself, it’s reassuring to know that the anecdotal evidence of meditation reducing our stress levels now has physical changes to the brain as documented evidence to support it.

    3. Reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease

    A 2012 study published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes found that daily meditation can not only reduce stress, but can actually reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease as well.

    The patients in the study, all of whom had coronary heart disease, were divided into two groups: a control group, and a group that underwent a transcendental meditation program.

    Over the course of the multi-year study, the group that received the meditation training saw reductions in their blood pressures and stress levels, and had lower rates of heart attacks and strokes.

    Heart disease continues to be a global problem and could affect many of our lives as we age. But studies like these show that, in addition to the tools of modern medicine, we have one extra weapon in our arsenal to help improve our cardiovascular health.

    4. Boost our immune systems

    Another great benefit of meditation, at least according to a 2003 study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, is that it can improve our bodies’ ability to fight off disease and illness.

    During the study, a control group was compared with another group of participants who received meditation training. Afterward, the meditators were found to have a significantly higher number of antibodies in their blood compared to the control group, which help ward off disease.

    That means that regular meditation could help us get sick less often, giving us more time to have fun and be with our loved ones, instead of lying in bed and feeling miserable. Let’s remember that tip the next time flu season rolls around…

    5. Reduce physical pain

    According to a 2015 study by Wake Forest University published in the Journal of Neuroscience, meditation has the ability to reduce pain sensations in our bodies.

    During the study, patients who had undergone meditation and mindfulness training experienced less pain when exposed to hot surfaces than those who did not have similar meditation experience.

    This was also true for a group of “meditating” patients who had been given injections to chemically block their bodies’ natural production of opioids (i.e. our own internal painkillers), which kick in once we start to feel pain.

    The authors concluded that this has the potential to help mitigate chronic symptoms and reduce dependencies on prescription medicine, and that future work could help to determine the exact mechanism of how meditation alleviates pain.

    From my own experiences with daily migraines, I have full faith in the Wake Forest results. For anyone else suffering from pain, a few minutes a day could make all the difference.

    —

    Meditation is no longer a mystical practice hidden behind the walls of Tibetan monasteries. It is being studied by some of the most respected health organizations in the world, which are now able to use science to validate claims that have been around for thousands of years.

    The physical and neurological benefits that meditation can provide make it a valuable accompaniment to modern medicine for curing or alleviating health problems. If you have been suffering from stress, or pain, why not try meditation? It’s natural and free.

    A simple way to begin is to first find a comfortable seated position. Keep your eyes and body relaxed, and focus on your breath. Try not to fight all the thoughts and chitter chatter that run through your head. They’re normal.

    Just observe them and then focus on your breath again once they have passed. Like me, you can start with one minute and then have longer sessions as you begin to feel more comfortable meditating. The positive effects you start to experience from daily meditation might surprise you.

    What is there to lose?

  • If Self-Love Seems Difficult, Start with Self-Like

    If Self-Love Seems Difficult, Start with Self-Like

    “It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine.” ~Byron Katie

    Self-love is a word that gets used a lot. Overused, in fact.

    The pressures and associations around the phrase “self-love” are immense. At school, we actually tore apart girls who loved themselves, as if it was such a bad thing. As teenagers, we saw self-love as big headed and arrogant.

    If only we knew the harm that we were doing, not just to others but most of all to ourselves.

    So how about we begin with self-like?

    I definitely felt that I had to try to get people to like me when I was growing up. I wanted to fit in, I definitely didn’t want to embrace my individuality; all I wanted was acceptance.

    But I now understand that those desperate attempts to make others like, and love me, were actually a reflection of what I needed to learn for myself.

    Fast forward to over a decade later and this constant struggle appears to have reached a crunch point. My inability to love myself has caused huge problems in my relationships, both with myself and with the people I care about.

    I can’t even begin to think about practicing self-love, because in all honesty, I struggle quite a lot of the time to even self-like. The pressure of consistent self-love is way too much for me to handle right now.

    How am I expected to really truly love myself unconditionally? Love my wobbly bits, love my dark thoughts, love the fact that I sweat profusely during every type of exercise, love the times when I eat a bar of chocolate, just to get an instant hit of pleasure, love the fact that at times I can be a real scaredy cat?

    How am I supposed to do all of this when a lot of the times I can’t even like these parts of me?

    And so the self-like process must begin.

    Take Self-Love Away

    If you are in a place of self-loathing and self-hatred right now, take self-love off the table altogether. Don’t pressure yourself into unconditional love, because the very fact you can’t force it upon yourself will only frustrate and hurt you more.

    If you put too much emphasis on love right now, you will simply end up suppressing the intense resistance that comes up and burying it deep within, only for it to rear its ugly head at a later date. Liking you right now feels a little more attainable than love.

    Add in Self-Care

    For a long time I thought that by doing things that fell into the self-care category, I was showing myself love. It was, in fact, a very important first step, but I deluded myself into believing that self-care was the same as self-love.

    Self-care is vital because it helps you to start believing in your own worth. But it is far easier than self-like or self-love, which makes it a great place to start.

    By starting to implement self-care practices—such as eating well, taking time to exercise, booking yourself a massage, and looking after your appearance—you are giving yourself the amazing signals that you are worth it.

    Begin to Implement Self-Acceptance

    Accepting where we are right now is absolutely imperative in our quest for self-like. And that doesn’t mean when you get your ideal job/dream body/loving partner/lottery win. It has to happen in this very moment.

    If you don’t accept yourself now, you still won’t accept yourself when you do get the ideal job/dream body/loving partner/lottery win.

    I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I look back at photos and pine for the body shape I once had; however, I didn’t love myself then either. So I realize that the solution is not in a dress size but in accepting and liking myself no matter what I look like.

    Accepting that where you are right now is okay is incredibly powerful and an integral part of learning to like yourself. You don’t have to love where you are; you just have to be okay with it as a starting point.

    That doesn’t mean you have to stop striving for more in your life. But if you can like the place you are in now, then you are far more likely to love the way your life evolves.

    Embracing Your Darkness

    Unconditional self-like comes from embracing your darkness as well as your light. That means your fears, your worries, your doubts, your body shape, yes, even the things that disgust and disappoint you about yourself. They may not be pretty, but they are part of you.

    We can’t simply banish these feelings away and shower them with positive affirmations. We can’t hide away and use avoidance tactics in the hope that they will go away. But we can accept them and start to gently tweak the pattern of thoughts that come up.

    Create Purpose

    When we feel on purpose, self-like becomes a lot easier. When we are living our lives in a way that satisfies and fulfills our creativity and our wishes, then we can begin to like our life from the inside and the outside.

    Think about the things that you enjoy doing. What brings you joy and makes you feel fulfilled? You don’t have to know what your life purpose is right now. Just by allowing yourself the chance to implement more of these things into your daily routine, you might start to really like that life.

    Self-like can start with the tiniest of steps—simply admitting to yourself that you have done a good job, or that there is even just one part of your body that you like. It isn’t an overnight transformation, but I do believe that it is the very first step toward learning self-love.

    Can you be brave and find just one thing to like about yourself right now?

  • How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

    How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

    “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

    I was sitting on the couch in my bedroom, at sunset, looking at the trees outside my window. I felt a profound sadness, frustration, disappointment, and desperation taking me over.

    While I was staring into oblivion, all my expectations came flashing to my mind.

    “No, this is not what my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to have my own house. I was supposed to be happy. What happened?”

    What happened was that I am part of the majority, not the exception.

    My entire life I expected to be the exception. I assumed that if I worked hard enough, I would succeed; if I did well in university, I would succeed; if I poured my heart and soul into something, I would succeed; my dreams could come true.

    I had become a slave to my expectations, and they were ruining my life.

    In my mind, things were supposed to be different. My great expectations were robbing me of happiness, because I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t have what I expected to have, and I wasn’t who I expected I should be.

    The truth of the matter is that there are few people out there who are lucky enough to be living their dreams.

    Most of us survive on crumbs of our expectations. We have a job, even if it’s a job we don’t like. We work from nine to five every day to pay the bills. If you’re lucky, you get to go on a vacation once a year, and for the very lucky, two of them.

    Statistics show depression and anxiety are on the rise. I am part of those statistics, along with 350 million other people who suffer from the same hell I do.

    How could depression and anxiety not be on the rise when we are constantly bombarded by repetitive messages that tell us about all the great things we can accomplish?

    Of course giving people high expectations is what sells. If beauty creams advertised their products by saying, “It will moisturize your skin and that’s pretty much it,” not too many people would buy the product.

    Marketing survives by raising people’s expectations. When the product doesn’t meet up with their expectation, disappointment follows. And so it goes with most things in our lives.

    Don’t get me wrong; I truly believe that dreams can come true. The point is that we shouldn’t expect it to happen. If it does happen, it will be a nice surprise. But if it doesn’t and we’re expecting it, we are likely doomed for disappointment and frustration.

    Of course it would be amazing if we could all live our great expectations, but we shouldn’t base our happiness and personal satisfaction on them, because there is no rule that says that we will all live to fulfill them. I know this might sound pessimistic, simply because it goes against everything we’ve heard.

    We read great stories of people who defied the odds and became a success, but we never read about the people who did their best and failed. Their stories never become motivational quotes and bestselling books, because they didn’t make it.

    We never hear their stories about how they put their heart and soul into something and failed, because that doesn’t sell books; that doesn’t sell conferences.

    Many motivational books and personal coaches survive by raising people’s expectations instead of focusing on finding happiness with what they already have.

    Of course meeting our expectations could bring happiness, but if we’re waiting to be happy for that to happen, we might be waiting a long time.

    Maybe you’re not Anna Wintour or Mark Zuckerberg, and you don’t have a million dollars in the bank.

    Maybe you’re feeling frustrated because parenthood didn’t turn out to be what you had expected (it’s tiring and demanding).

    Maybe your job is not fulfilling, and at one point you expected you’d grow up to be somewhere completely different from where you are today.

    I could sit here and write that you can change everything and you should fight to meet your expectation. I think you should, but you shouldn’t base you personal satisfaction and happiness on that.

    I’m here to tell you that it’s all right if you didn’t meet your expectations.

    Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, and for some reason or another life doesn’t go to plan. It doesn’t mean we have to stop working toward our goals; it just means that we can be happy regardless.

    Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we need to focus on what we do have.

    Capitalism shoves down our throats to strive for more, and we obediently follow, only to meet a brick wall and realize how frustrated we are for not being everything the system promised we could be.

    Millennials in particular are battling this problem harshly.

    We were sold the idea that if we went to college, got great marks, and did tons of unpaid internships we’d be destined for the stars. Instead, millions of millennials have a huge amount of debt from student loans and are finding it hard to find a job. I’m not even talking about their dream job—just a job.

    Did you know that millennials have the highest statistics on depression and anxiety ever recorded in history? That’s mainly because we expected to at least have the quality of life our parents had. But things have changed, and now we are not even close to what they had at our age.

    Our expectations were too high, and we live in a world where it’s harder to meet those expectations.

    It would have been a lot better to break things down to millennials in a realistic way, and if some of them got to meet their expectations, then good for them. But for the rest, we’d know that not all expectations need to be met for us to be happy.

    I know you might be reading this and thinking of all the expectations that you had that you didn’t get to live up to. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and sad.

    The best and easiest way to be happy is to work toward our goals but never expect for them to become a reality. It’s a paradox. It’s the duality of existence.

    We need a goal and a dream to keep us motivated, but at the same time we need to not expect anything from life. That way, regardless of the outcome, we don’t become disappointed.

    I know it kind of goes against the motivational quotes we read, and it especially goes against the greedy perception that has been incrusted in our minds. We are taught to never be content with what we have and to always strive for more. But this greedy mindset is what has many feeling frustrated with their lives.

    I’m not saying that it’s good to get comfortable in mediocrity, but to push ourselves to be the best person we can be without expecting a great outcome. To do things because we love doing them, not because we’re expecting something.

    It’s like doing a good deed expecting a “thank you.” If the “thank you” doesn’t come, you become disappointed. If you do it regardless of the gratitude, you still feel content.

    It’s about being happy while working to be better, not by placing happiness on a goal. You find that happiness in your progress, in your daily life, in feeling grateful for the small things—for having food on your plate, a roof over your head, health, and loved ones to share your life with.

    It is about coming to terms with the idea that your dreams might not come true. Making peace with life—that even if it doesn’t allow you to fulfill your dreams, it has given you life, and life itself is a treasure.

    As the saying goes, happy people are not those who have the best of everything but the ones who make the best of everything they have.

  • Why The Old Adage “Enjoy Every Moment” May Be More Harmful Than Helpful

    Why The Old Adage “Enjoy Every Moment” May Be More Harmful Than Helpful

    “In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.” ~Francis Bacon

    One phrase my husband and I have heard often since becoming new parents—heck, since I was still waddling my way through my last trimester—is, “It goes so fast.” This is most often delivered by another more seasoned mother with an all-knowing shake of her head and a longing gaze at my once rotund belly, or now at our beautiful boy.

    We smile and nod, silently agreeing to the harsh reality of time. Which inevitably leads to the dreaded follow up, “Enjoy every moment!” This is usually spoken at a higher, more fervent, almost frantic timber as she smiles hugely at us.

    The thing is, I know she means well. I know that her child(ren) must be older and that she has undoubtedly forgotten the reality of the many difficulties with which new parents are faced as they begin to navigate the oftentimes muddy waters of raising a child.

    I also now know that because of the prevalence of phrases like, “Enjoy every moment,” many new parents are unable to reconcile the very real conflicting emotions of loving their children so much that at times it is hard to breathe, while at the same time feeling for any myriad of reasons like they don’t measure up. Or that because they aren’t, in fact, enjoying every minute, that they must somehow be failing as a parent and a person.

    A couple of months before my son was born I bumped into a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while. The typical conversation between a fairly new mother and woman in late stage pregnancy ensued.

    We discussed how I was feeling; she made a fleeting comment about her back labor, encouraging me to be open-minded about any birth plan I might have in place; and then she said something so outlandish and foreign that I couldn’t in that moment find the words with which to respond.

    She told me, with great certainty, that there would be things I would endure in the very near future that would be almost incomprehensibly difficult, and that in no way would I enjoy them all.

    I was stunned. But it wasn’t that she spoke the truth that stunned me; it was that everyone else I had come into contact with hadn’t.

    In that moment, I was more grateful to her than she’ll ever know. Right there, at the entrance to the grocery store, she granted me permission to honestly experience all that lie ahead on the bumpy, blissful path of motherhood.

    Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. At least not in those first few months when every cry my son emitted from his frighteningly fragile little body left me panic-stricken and absolutely sure that I was simply not cut out to be a mother.

    Not because I wasn’t doing every possible thing in my power to care for and nurture my boy. But because there is nothing enjoyable about massive hormonal shifts, staggering sleep deprivation, unexpected postpartum anxiety, and three bouts of excruciating mastitis.

    It wasn’t until my husband—bless his kind and patient heart—asked me, after one agonizingly long and sleepless night, what I had expected life with a newborn to be that I remembered my friend’s wise, and let’s face it, frightening words.

    I realized then my perception of what my experience as a new mother should be had become quite skewed. I also realized that it was thanks to all those well-meaning, “Enjoy every moment” comments that I found myself floundering to make sense of just how I was supposed to manage to do that—and if I was unable to, then surely there must be something inherently wrong with me.

    Maybe you think I’m being too literal. Surely everyone knows you can’t possibly enjoy every moment.

    Okay sure, I’ll give you that. But I’ll also argue that our words and thoughts carry great weight. And with that weight often comes unrealistic expectations, both of ourselves and of others. This is true for all of us in any given situation, parent or not.

    Plus, I think the issue runs deeper than simple semantics. Let’s face it, most of us have spent a large majority of our lives constructing often intricate and elaborate means of avoiding pain and discomfort.

    We go well out of our way to escape those pesky emotions that leave us feeling vulnerable. We choose, instead, to focus only on what we, and society as a whole, has deemed “good” or “positive” rather than risk putting our more “negative” thoughts and experiences out into the universe. You’ve heard this, right?

    While I am a staunch believer in the power we have to manifest and create our own reality, I am also convinced that we cannot simply bypass the harder, more uncomfortable aspects of the human experience.

    It is not surprising then, that it has been in my new role as both an ecstatic and scared new mother that I have found there is absolutely no place in which to escape from anything. After all, my child’s cries of discomfort and/or discontent cannot, in any language or universe, be denied. And this, I have found, is a good thing. It literally keeps him alive.

    Well, we were all babies once. Maybe there is a trace of that survival instinct still hibernating within each of us. Maybe our own fears and discomforts are coming up when necessary as a way to keep us alive, too. Or at the very least, to wake us up.

    During the first six euphoric and arduous months of my son’s life, I began to awaken to the paradox of my new situation.

    I had been granted the greatest gift I will ever receive in this life. It’s true. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Yet it is because of that very greatness that I was unable to allow for the intense feelings of discomfort I felt when faced with the very natural sense of overwhelm that comes with being a new mother.

    I, like many others in any number of life’s scenarios, believed that I had no right to feel the tough stuff when I was so obviously blessed with such a massive amount of good.

    But just as I believe we need the darkness to appreciate the light, I am also certain that I needed—and must continue—to allow myself to fully surrender to and move through those harder, oh so unenjoyable moments. For it was and is in the moments when I have thought I had nothing left to give that I learned just how good a mother I actually am.

    I have learned, time and again, the lengths I will go to for my son. I have abolished the limitations I unknowingly set for myself simply by being faced with staggeringly hard situations and circumstances.

    Ironically, It is because of these situations that I now trust myself and my capabilities more than ever before.

    It’s unreasonable to think we should enjoy every moment, and that if we don’t, we’re doing something wrong. So let yourself off the hook. You never know, it just might result in you enjoying life’s messy process and all the glorious moments in between that much more.

  • Why We Can’t Have Healthy, Happy Relationships Without Self-Love

    Why We Can’t Have Healthy, Happy Relationships Without Self-Love

    Happy Couple

    “Worry about loving yourself instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.” ~Unknown

    Body image and self-love have been my biggest struggles. They’ve affected every area of my life, including relationships.

    I developed anorexia in high school after experiencing a number of losses in a short period of time.

    During my high school years I didn’t date much. I had a few boyfriends, but the relationships never progressed because I was afraid of intimacy, due to the fact that I was uncomfortable in my skin and didn’t like my body.

    I had body dysmorphia, thinking I was overweight when I wasn’t.

    Shortly after high school, I fell into the cycle of restricting and binge eating and used excessive exercise to purge my binges. I hated my body and was obsessed with making it smaller.

    About a year after graduating from high school, I entered a relationship with a guy who was very pushy and persistent.

    I now know that I never would have entered that relationship had I loved myself.

    I remember thinking he wasn’t my type, because he seemed cocky and consumed with his own looks, which actually made me feel uncomfortable. That turned into a five-year relationship.

    I looked to this guy for happiness but never got it. I remember so many days and nights of anger, unhappiness, and complete distress. I ignored my inner voice for a long time. I now know that true happiness comes from within, and no one outside yourself has the power to dictate how you feel.

    I remember when I first realized I was still struggling with disordered eating, and that binge eating was something others struggled with too. I started seeing a psychologist and I would lie to her about our relationship, as well.

    I stayed for too long because I didn’t have any self-esteem, and didn’t know where I would go or what I could do if I left. I didn’t love him. I don’t feel he loved me either, but I did love the idea of him loving me.

    I remember the first point at which I thought maybe I could live without him. From there, it took another year for me to leave.

    Once I did leave, I knew that I needed to work on myself before I could even think of entering another relationship. I needed to discover who I was, work on improving my body image, and learn to love myself.

    I stayed single for three years, which were filled with ups and downs. I eventually hit rock bottom with my disordered eating. That actually gave me the strength to pull myself out of that vicious cycle and helped me realize I needed to change my thoughts and mindset around my body and food.

    Over time, I learned to love and accept myself as I was. I practiced authenticity and vulnerability with others and eventually met the man of my dreams.

    You see, to be able to attract another emotionally healthy person, I had to first become emotionally healthy myself.

    Lack of self-love doesn’t only show up in people with eating disorders, either. Others may have different unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, drugs, social media, or a shopping addiction.

    The important part to understand is that if you struggle with loving yourself like I was, you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship until you can build one with yourself.

    So many people feel as though they are running out of time to meet the “one,” but it’s important to take the time to work on yourself instead of focusing on filling the void with another person. If not, you may fall into the trap of settling for less than you deserve, like I did.

    So how can we develop self-love?

    First, become aware of the thoughts and words you speak that are demeaning toward yourself.

    Next, focus on shifting those negative thoughts to a positive thought you can believe. Affirmations are great, but they won’t help if you don’t actually believe them. You can make the new thoughts progressive if you struggle with believing them.

    For example; instead of saying, “I love my body,” say, “I am working toward accepting, loving, and honoring my body.” It’s much easier to believe this when you are in the process of getting there.

    (For more helping taming your inner critic, check out this post, Create a Kinder Mind.)

    Also, try being vulnerable with others and share your imperfections. You will quickly realize that everyone goes through tough times and you are not alone, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    Just be careful of sharing with the wrong people. Some people don’t get personal growth, or maybe your particular struggle, and they may say the wrong things or judge you.

    If this happens, just understand that they aren’t in the same place as you, and don’t let that stop you from being authentic with others. It will help you connect on a deeper level and find the people you want to surround yourself with in life.

    Take the time to figure out what your passions are and what lights you up in life. This will help you realize your worth comes from what’s on the inside, rather than what you look like or how much money you make.

    Once you start to change your thoughts, it’s much easier to make healthy lifestyle choices from a place of self-love.

    It’s easier to eat in a way that nourishes your body and soul.

    It’s easier to want to fit daily movement into your life, because it makes you feel good, not because you hate your body and you’re trying to change it.

    It’s easier to get to bed on time and get enough sleep every night.

    It’s also easier to choose which relationships benefit you and which ones do not.

    Self-love cascades into every area of your life, just like self-hatred does. You can choose which way to live, but I can guarantee the challenge of building self-love is well worth it.

  • True Connection Happens When We Release Cynicism and Judgment

    True Connection Happens When We Release Cynicism and Judgment

    Cartoon teamwork holding hands / happy cooperation

    “Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” ~Bill Nye

    It’s cool to be a little cynical, right? We’ve all seen the movies; we know an air of ennui and a well-cultivated sneer is all a person needs to get by.

    When I was in my early twenties I used to archly describe myself as an “optimistic cynic.” To me, it sounded cool. I was playing in bands, and I’d decided this was how I wanted to show up to the world.

    Back then I responded to everything, whether good or bad, exciting or not, through a filter of sarcasm. (And for those who don’t know me, I’m talking British sarcasm here too. The strongest kind.)

    Thankfully, though, after years of deep work on myself, I eventually realized that really, in being so cynical, I was just hiding behind a façade, a front. The cynicism was a barrier to protect myself, and ultimately, it halted me making real connections with others, and myself.

    I think I first realized this while at university. There was a guy who lived on my floor who was just a really good person.

    Andy was happy, friendly, well-liked by everyone. The source of good emotions wherever he went.

    At the time, of course, I dismissed his demeanor as an act to be liked, which, as I write this now, I realize was me projecting my own issues on him.

    But even then a part of me knew Andy was doing something right. When he’d invite me to things (and I of course turned him down with a sarcastic aside) I felt a little silly, a little humbled by his great outlook and energy, which contrasted so greatly with my self-defeating ‘cool.’

    You see, deep down I knew I wanted to do all the things he was doing. I wanted to live my honest truth like he was, but for whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to let go and just be myself. Andy held a mirror up to my sneer, and I didn’t like what I saw.

    I’m glad to say I’m not like that anymore. But it’s still in me on occasion, and I think in all of us if we aren’t careful. It seems more and more, cynicism is becoming the default setting for our collective consciousness. It’s the way to be now in this post-modern world.

    Don’t trust people. Don’t show your feelings. Don’t give a damn, frankly.

    We live in very uncertain times, so it’s understandable, then, that we’ve learned to question people’s motives. But where this once still bordered on liberal curiosity, it is fast turning to simple mistrust, disconnection, and in many cases, actual fear of others.

    It’s a sad situation, and something I feel we all need to be aware of. More so, we need to actively fight against this cynicism and learn to connect with each other again.

    A study at Harvard that was conducted over a staggering seventy-five years has proven beyond any doubt that that when it comes to being happier in every way, it’s all about making real connections:

    “The more areas in your life you can make connection the better…The study’s most important finding is that the only thing that matters in life is relationships…Happiness is love. Full stop.”

    But before we can make powerful connections with others, there’s someone else we need to connect with—ourselves.

    When we are disconnected from ourselves, we lose our power and our confidence in our abilities; thus, our ability to trust ourselves diminishes. And if we can’t trust ourselves, how can we trust others?

    So, we need to take the time to discover our own wants and desires and to connect fully with our core values. When we have this self-knowledge a lot of other things quickly fall into place.

    You can practice this in small ways too. Take time throughout the day to engage in a tech-free walk in nature and get your peripatetic system working. You’ll be surprised how quickly you connect with your truth when you’re completely alone with no distractions of any kind.

    Meditation, too, is a great way of just being with yourself fully. You’ll often find you have great insights once you actively create some silence for a short period and calibrate yourself. In this way, we can quickly become a person who is so focused on their path that cynicism never even gets a look in.

    When we connect with the vision we have for ourselves, we gain clarity and can then relax, become more comfortable, and begin to create real connections with the world outside.

    When you take the time to do this, you make peace with yourself, and it is from this position of power that you can create powerful moments with other people and become the source of good energy wherever you go.

    You can start this today: Practice actively connecting with people on a deep, powerful level. Look into their eyes just that extra second longer; give a hug that has real emotion behind it, a handshake that lasts a little longer than normal, or a comment that hits just right.

    With every person you talk to from now on, make a connection. Create a moment. Turn off the rest of the world and just, warmly, be with them.

    Do this right and it’ll feel like you’ve made time stand still. You’ll soon realize how great you not only make others feel, but how great you feel yourself as your connection and empathy for the world grows.

    Because flip back to the “cynical optimist” version of me you met at the start, and you’d see someone who regularly reacted badly to others, who got annoyed easily.

    I’m sure we all have had those times when other people have riled us—the man on the street walking too slowly in front of us or too close behind us, the rude checkout girl who can’t raise a smile, the work colleague who makes bad jokes or talks too much.

    We know that getting annoyed only ultimately harms ourselves. If something annoys you, that’s on you. And while we might think we’re displaying dominance and superiority by getting annoyed, really, all we’re doing is giving away our power and becoming disconnected to others and our true, better selves.

    Researchers have dubbed this fundamental attribution error, which states that we tend to give too much weight to someone’s personality or disposition in explaining their behavior in a given situation.

    In other words, we all too often take one single thing that someone does and use it to make a judgment on their entire persona. I’m sure you can agree that this does not help at all in creating honest connections with our fellow humans.

    We need to combat this bias whenever we can. A great technique I found, that immediately helps us feel more present and connected with others, is to consciously reframe the event.

    When you feel yourself getting a little antsy, rather than stewing on it and becoming disconnected and wound up, simply change the story.

    That man walking too fast behind you? He’s late for his new job and is a little worried about what his new boss will say.

    The sulky checkout assistant? They’ve just split up with their partner and feel heartbroken.

    If someone annoys you, tell yourself a story about why they are doing what they’re doing, and reframe it in a way that you can relate to.

    In this way we can all learn to be a little more empathetic, a little more connected, a little nicer even.

    And like I say, living this way really is a win/win situation all round; as you grow more connected with yourself and your environment, your own power and confidence will grow as a result. So create moments, reframe the stories you tell yourself about others, and show up in the world as a source of great emotions.

    That’s something we can all connect with.

  • 3 Ways to Tell If You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

    3 Ways to Tell If You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

    Broken Heart

    “The harder you fight to hold onto specific assumptions, the more likely there’s gold in letting them go.” ~John Seely Brown

    It was Christmas night and I was ecstatic. He would be there any minute.

    I touched up my gloss and gave myself a quick once over in the hallway mirror. Despite having had a hearty dinner at my Mum’s, my stomach was flat and my dress fit me like a glove, enveloping my curves perfectly. I was ready and raring to go.

    Glancing at the clock, I wondered where he was. I double checked my phone to see if he’d text, but no—nothing. Oh well, he was only twenty minutes late. It was fine. He had probably just been held up or something.

    I went and sat patiently on the stairs, looking at the front door and willing the doorbell to ring.

    Two hours later he showed up. No apology, no nothing. I didn’t even get a kiss.

    He staggered in, obviously drunk, and asked if there was any food. I led him into the living room and said I would go fix him something. Grunting in response, he made himself comfortable while I headed into the kitchen.

    As disappointed as I was, now was not the time to pick a fight.

    Colin was never reasonable when he’d been drinking, and I didn’t want a repeat of last time; I didn’t want to upset him.

    I suppose I should have been grateful he had decided to come over. After all, he didn’t have to, did he? What was important was that he had, which was good enough.

    He did like me really, but he just had a lot on his plate, and it was up to me to be strong and support him. He didn’t mean to hit me; I just needed to stop being so provocative and expecting too much.

    That was my problem: I was always looking for trouble and couldn’t just be content with what I had.

    Running back into the living room, I lovingly gave him his food and watched him wolf it down, pleased that he was satisfied and enjoying it. It made me happy seeing him happy.

    He put his plate down and looked over at me. My heart started beating faster and I got nervous. He beckoned me over, and I eagerly went and sat on his lap to embrace him.

    It didn’t matter that he had been late; he was here now.

    I nuzzled against his neck and breathed him in. This was all I wanted, to be with him, and it was moments like this that made it worthwhile. All the other details were irrelevant. For as long as he wanted me, I would always be there for him, giving anything and everything I had to make it work.

    Colin was my world, and that was how it would always be.

    Almost ten years on and my eyes are wide open to what that relationship was all about. I was in such need of love from a man that I was willing to take any small amount of breadcrumbs tossed in my direction.

    That was how it was for years. All the men I got involved with were only out for what they could get, and I accepted it because I genuinely believed that was the best I could have. It’s only looking back now that I realize I was the better half, and I shouldn’t have settled for such treatment.

    Matters of the heart are always complicated, but combined with insecurities and fear, they’re often more destructive than anything else.

    I know how easy it is to convince yourself that you are with someone because, deep down, they love you. Manipulators are experts at deceiving people, but we are even better at deceiving ourselves, especially when we long for love with all our hearts.

    3 Non-Negotiable Factors

    I’ve had the worst kind of relationships, but from them, I have gleaned three crucial pointers in identifying a healthy vs. unhealthy one.

    Reciprocation

    Who provides what in the relationship emotionally, physically, financially, etc.? Are you the one making all the effort? Is it balanced, and if not, why?

    Your time and energy is just as precious as anyone else’s. Are you being appreciated in the way you should be?

    Your Feelings

    On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel around this person most of the time?

    In what way do they benefit and enrich your life?

    Can you be yourself when you’re with them?

    Do they make you feel good about yourself and love you for who you truly are?

    While no relationship is perfect, for the most part, they’re meant to be a source of joy and pleasure, and to add value to our lives.

    Hopes and Dreams

    How do you feel about the longevity of this relationship?

    Imagine twenty years from now, if your relationship continues as it’s been; would this future be in alignment with your own goals and plans?

    Does your partner support and share your vision for the future?

    Do they encourage your self-development or hinder it?

    If you cannot picture long-term happiness with this person in your life, you need to question how much you are prepared to sacrifice to be with them.

    Be True To Yourself

    These questions should enable you to obtain some perspective.

    If your partner is worth the emotional investment, that’s wonderful. If, on the other hand, you instinctively know this is a bad set up, the best advice I can give you is to end the relationship as soon as possible.

    It’s similar to removing a Band-Aid; it will hurt, but it’s best done quickly and without delay. Speaking from experience, the reality of them vacating is never as scary as you imagine it will be.

    Stay true to yourself and don’t just accept things for how they are. I was completely intoxicated by all my ex boyfriends, but only because I allowed myself to be, and they took advantage of that. As soon as I decided to cut all ties, they disappeared almost instantaneously.

    Be strong and know that you are worth so much more than you believe. If you lie to yourself that everything is okay, you are prolonging the pain and simply postponing the inevitable.

    Take some control and free yourself from a life of guaranteed hurt and misery. Any short-term pain will be outweighed by the bright future, full of love and light, that is waiting for you. All you need to do is make the choice to allow and receive it.