Tiny Buddha

Category: mindfulness & peace

  • How to Stop Worrying: 5 Things to Try When Nothing Else Works

    How to Stop Worrying: 5 Things to Try When Nothing Else Works

    Calm woman

    “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” ~Mark Twain

    If you’re like me—a worry prodigy from a young age—you hate when people say, “Don’t worry about it.” As if it were so easy, as if I hadn’t already tried.

    I’ve used many of the tips and tricks out there. Some of them helped for a while, but few did much for long.

    The trouble is, most of the advice out there only addresses the symptoms of worry. It’s like taking cherry-flavored cough syrup when you have bronchitis: tempting, and probably the most palatable option, but not likely to do any lasting good since it doesn’t address the real issue.

    I’ve been a worrier ever since I was seven years old and slept with my covers over my head because I was afraid that foxes and burglars would attack me at night.

    What I’ve learned over the years of working with worry—a nice way to phrase it, though it could also be described as obsessively thinking, planning, and catastrophizing, forgetting to breathe, and grinding my teeth—is that resisting it only makes it grow stronger. In order to find freedom from apprehension, you have to get to its root.

    So here are five things you can try if you’ve meditated, said your positive affirmations, and smelled your grapefruit (yes, it’s a thing) and your worries still haven’t gone away:

    1. Get curious about why you worry.

    As I got older, I began to notice what a big drain worry was on my time and energy. I saw how it never helped me feel stronger, more innovative, or more able to respond. I also began to read about all the negative impacts it has on our health and well-being. So naturally I started to worry about being worried.

    A much better response would have been to get curious about why I did it. Because we all get something out of worrying or we wouldn’t do it.

    In my case, I realized that I do it most when I feel powerless. The act of worrying helps me feel like I’m doing something, like I have some sort of control over an uncontrollable situation.

    Worry can also distract us from even scarier parts of our lives, or from our own intense emotions. And it can help us feel like we’re protecting ourselves and what’s important to us just by thinking about them. Though worrying can’t actually change anything in reality, it can promise to help us feel more empowered and secure.

    We worry because we think it helps. When we see what worry promises, we can also see clearly what it fails to deliver. Without this clarity, letting go of worries can feel too scary for most of us to attempt. With it, we can find new, more effective ways of dealing with uncertainty in a world where so much is out of our control.

    2. Feel your fear.

    In some ways, worrying is an attempt to avoid what you fear, which is really an effort to avoid fear itself. Feel the fear, and the worry becomes unnecessary.

    I experienced this recently when I had the idea for a novel. For the first couple of months, everything was great. I kept getting ideas, writing them down, and feeling more and more excited about the project.

    And then when I decided to actually start writing the novel, I had a breakdown. Suddenly I couldn’t stop thinking about the story line, going over and over it in my head, worrying that something was wrong with it, and trying to get it right.

    Every spare moment I had, I was in my head trying to solve this imaginary problem. I couldn’t relax, I could barely sleep, and I certainly couldn’t write.

    Finally it occurred to me that the reason I was worrying so much was because I was terrified. I experienced what felt like a huge rejection of my writing when I was young, and it devastated me. This was the first major project I had attempted since then, and part of me was scared that the same thing would happen all over again.

    Once I became aware of it, I felt a tidal wave of fear waiting to wash over me. And though part of me wanted desperately to avoid it, I knew I needed to let it in. So I did.

    It wasn’t pleasant. Fear can be very uncomfortable, and we avoid it for a reason.

    But similar to storm clouds that look dark and sinister on the horizon, once the feeling actually arrived on my shores, it washed over me like rain. I was reminded that fear is really just a bundle of uncomfortable sensations that I can handle. And then it’s gone.

    When you let yourself feel your fear of whatever outcome you’re trying to avoid, it loses its power over you.

    The best way I know to do this is to name your fear, exactly what it is that frightens you. Then you can let yourself feel it, by sitting quietly, or dancing it out, or moving and noticing where you feel it in your body. If you can let it be there, knowing that it’s temporary and can’t harm you, you can free yourself from the need to distract yourself from it with worry.

    3. Do what you can.

    Too often we try to get rid of our worries without truly understanding them. The problem is, worries are kind of like toddlers: when they aren’t listened to, they get louder. When they aren’t listened to for long enough, they throw a tantrum.

    Our worries are really just trying to help us. They can usually point us towards something worth paying attention to, so it’s worth listening to them.

    You can do this by asking yourself:

    • What feels like it’s at stake here, and why is this important to me?
    • What does this worry want from me?
    • How can I address this concern in a way that feels good to me?

    In the case of my fears about writing a novel, I realized that the worry was trying to make sure that I wasn’t hurt or disappointed again. It wanted to protect me from possible rejection. It felt like my entire self-worth was at stake, that if I failed, I would know with certainty that I had nothing of value to offer the world.

    The worry wanted me to protect myself. It wanted me to make sure that what I did was so good that it couldn’t possibly be unappreciated.

    These realizations led me to do two things: first, I reminded the part of myself that was scared that though there will be people out there who don’t like what I write, there are a lot of others who will. Nothing appeals to everyone, and though disappointment hurts, it’s also temporary. Regardless, there’s always value in what I create from the heart, and my worthiness doesn’t depend on the result of one project.

    And secondly, I committed to going slowly. Part of myself felt very scared, so rather than push myself out of my comfort zone all at once, I resolved to take baby steps and give my vulnerable self time to feel it out and adjust.

    I also promised myself that I would only share it when I was ready, and would start with the people and communities who were most likely to appreciate it. When I did this, I no longer felt the need to obsess about the story.

    Sometimes listening to worry’s hidden wisdom and taking action on its behalf is enough to convince it to lay down its arms.

    4. Accept the worst.

    This is easier said than done, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to undercut worry.

    I had to do this big time when I made the decision to get married.

    At the time, I was so worried about making a mistake that I could barely think about anything else. (And just to be clear, this had nothing to do with my lovely husband-to-be. I was so scared of committing at the time that I could have been dating Prince Charming and I still would have had doubts.)

    It was only when I came to terms with the fact that our relationship might not last forever that I was able to stop worrying and take the plunge. Don’t get me wrong—I sincerely hope that we’re happy together ever after, but I also know that we may not be. And that’s fine. Splitting up would be painful, difficult, and sad—and I also know I would survive and ultimately be okay.

    Many of the things we worry about (failure, rejection, embarrassment, inconvenience) are pretty much just temporary challenges when you get down to it.

    But even for those things that are more painful or permanent, there is a way to accept them and know you’ll be okay. No matter what happens, you’ll have options for moving forward. Other people will always be there to help. And regardless of what goes wrong, you can count on all the incredible internal resources you have (compassion, loving-kindness, wisdom, strength, intelligence, resilience, humor, joy) being there to support you.

    Being willing to accept anything isn’t easy, but it’s an incredibly powerful way to find more equanimity and peace.

    5. Practice trust.

    The idea of trusting the universe used to give me a rash.

    It seemed to me that it was hard work, foresight, and copious amounts of worry that held everything together in my life. I believed that if I relaxed at all, things would fall apart.

    But eventually it dawned on me that as capable and amazing as I am, I do not single-handedly hold the world together. I began to notice how other people grow my food, trees create the oxygen I breathe, and the sun provides me with lots of light and warmth everyday, all without my involvement.

    What’s more, I realized that if I’m being honest with myself, most of the good things in my life didn’t happen solely because of my own foresight or effort. Sure, I contributed to many of them, but they also required a lot of luck, happy accidents and coincidences, and forces outside of my control.

    Recognizing this, I began to be willing to experiment with turning my troubles over to a force larger than myself. When held thrall in the throes of worry, I would remind myself that it wasn’t all up to me to make something happen.

    I would recall all the help I’d ever gotten over the years and all the things that turned out well. I would think of all the things I was grateful for, most of which were out of my control, and then I would visualize placing my problem in the hands of a universe that had supported me so well up to that point.

    And then I would do my best to let go and think about something else. (This is when meditation and other calming techniques worked really well.)

    Much to my surprise, the world didn’t fall apart when I did this. In fact, the outcomes were often much better when I turned things over than when I tried to fix everything myself. Even better, the more I turned over, the calmer and freer I felt, and the more I began to trust.

    Trust, it turns out, is the ultimate antidote to worry. And we don’t have to be born with it to use it—it’s possible to build trust in ourselves and the universe through practice, one worry at a time.

  • 5 Easy, Natural Ways to Reduce Stress

    5 Easy, Natural Ways to Reduce Stress

    Meditating on a beach

    “It’s all about finding the calm in the chaos.” ~Donna Karan

    Like my grandfather, I have always been a weather geek. I check the weather news daily and, for as long as I can remember, thunderstorms, warm/cold fronts, and clouds have fascinated me.

    Close friends of mine will be the first to tell you that I have the bad habit of stopping someone mid-sentence to point out cirrus clouds, or a storm on the horizon.

    But it’s more than just a nerdy interest. Looking at thunderstorms and clouds has always had a calming effect on me.

    A few years ago I spent a summer in Edmonton, Canada, on my first extended work assignment abroad. It started well, but after a month I began receiving negative feedback from my client on the quality of work that I was submitting. Looking back, I realize there were power struggles going on in the background, and I was the scapegoat stuck in the middle.

    But at the time it caused me a lot of stress, and each negative comment made me feel more and more like a failure.

    At the end of one rough day in particular, I received another critical email from my client. On the drive home from the office I could feel my heart accelerating and hammers bashing on my forehead, signaling the onset of a stress-induced migraine.

    My apartment sat high on a hill, and when I arrived home I happened to catch a glimpse of the outside view from the corner of my eye.

    An enormous thunderstorm dominated the horizon; turbulent masses of air and water billowed high into the sky. The sunset was hitting the tops of the clouds at an angle that made the storm look like it was on fire. Hues of orange, red, and deep gray swirled into each other.

    I was intrigued and stepped outside on my balcony to take a better look. I sat down on a chair and stayed there for at least an hour, watching churning clouds climb through the atmosphere and streaks of lightning flash through the flaming vapors.

    As I sat there, with my eyes fixed on the spectacle before me, my heart rate and breathing slowed down, and the pounding in my head abated.

    I knew that everything I was going through would pass and I felt at peace.

    We all experience stress at one point. And because we have busy lives, we don’t always have the time to go running, or do yoga, or watch a funny movie to get rid of it.

    Practicing mindfulness can be an effective alternative though. This pulls us into the present moment and can reduce our stress with minimal time and effort. Five ways we can use our surroundings to do this are to:

    1. Sit quietly by a body of water.

    Since mankind first came into existence, humans have used the calming effects of water to find peace. If you are stressed, find a river, a pond, an ocean—any body of water will do the trick. Try sitting next to the water and notice what your five senses are registering.

    Listen to the sounds of the waves or the soft gurgles of the streaming water. Watch how the wind dances across the water, changing its surface into different shades of blue. Feel the wind on your face.

    You might find that the cool water is able to carry your problems away with it.

    2. Surround yourself with plants.

    Another option for us is to spend a quiet moment in a green environment, whether it’s a park, a forest, a field, or our own backyard.

    Use your senses and concentrate on how the sun feels on your face, or the ground underneath you. Smell the grass and plants. Listen to the birds and watch the various insects and other creatures go about their daily activities.

    Surrounding ourselves with trees and grass can have a positive effect on our well-being by removing us from stressful urban environments. This gives us a chance to take deep breaths, reset our attention, and focus on the most important parts of our lives.

    3. Look at the sky.

    If you don’t have the time to find trees and water, just look up at the sky, wherever you happen to be. I’ve always loved watching thunderstorms, but the sky offers countless opportunities for us to sit back and take our minds off of our problems.

    Spotting funny shapes in clouds is useful for expanding our own creativity. A good sunset, on the other hand, with its wide spectrum of colors, helps us appreciate the beauty of the world, even if we’ve had an awful day.

    And at night the sky is lit up with the soft glow of the moon and the stars. These remind us that, in the grand scheme of things, our troubles are often a lot smaller than they feel at that particular moment.

    4. Observe the people next to you.

    Observing the people around us, however, can also be an effective method to take our minds off of a stressful situation.

    I often use this technique in airports. It’s hilarious to watch parents try and corral their small children, who are always on a mission to explore every square inch of the terminal.

    Or sometimes I pick a person walking by and create a backstory for them in my head. For example, I might imagine who they are, where they are from, and why they are in the airport at that moment.

    It sounds strange, and it’s not the same as being in nature, but at least it can be entertaining and help us to think about something else.

    5. Focus on the outside world.

    When we are stuck in the office though, sometimes the best method for us is to spend a moment quietly observing the world outside of our windows. If you can see water, or trees, these can offer similar benefits as being in nature.

    If you are in a high-rise building, and are surrounded by concrete and glass, try observing whatever is outside. Watch the cars driving by, the flashing lights of the billboards, or the people scurrying to and from work. This gives our brains a break and reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles.

    —

    Stress can come at inconvenient moments when we are unable to devote much time and energy to mitigate it. Using mindfulness to observe the world around us, even if only for a minute or two, can have immediate positive effects. .

    It’s simple and free, so why not give it a try?

  • How We Avoid Our Feelings and How Embracing Them Sets Us Free

    How We Avoid Our Feelings and How Embracing Them Sets Us Free

    Eyes

    “We numb our minds and heart so one need not be broken and the other need not be bothered.” ~Peggy Haymes

    Feelings are important, no doubt about it. They communicate all sorts of information to us. I don’t know about you, but I’ve preferred to ignore some of that information. Raise your hand if you would much rather feel the good feelings and just jump right over the not so good ones.

    Okay, so it’s unanimous. We all prefer the good, happy feelings. I expect we are all experts at finding ways to avoid the uncomfortable ones. But maybe we can share some avoidance techniques and try something new.

    I like to eat. Food has been synonymous with love in my world. It comforts… until it doesn’t, right? Alcohol? Well, thank heaven I was spared addiction, because, but for the grace of God, there go I.

    Running and exercise were at least a healthier alternative to dealing with my feelings, and I did feel a little better about myself, so that was justifiable, I’m sure. Oh, and let’s not forget a good movie, or even a bad one is a great distractor. Binge watching is even better.

    So, let’s add to the list. What do you do to avoid those uncomfortable feelings? Just take a minute to think about it. What are your avoidance techniques? Okay, time is up.

    Do you shop for stuff you do not need?

    Are you constantly on the go?

    Do you peruse social media incessantly, call or text anyone available?

    Do you eat, drink, and be merry?

    Spend more time with Match.com than you do with yourself?

    Do you clean your house, obsessively making sure everything is in its place?

    Lose yourself in a book?

    Surround yourself with so much chaos that you can hardly hear yourself think?

    Or maybe you avoid certain places or people or being alone.

    Do you work long hours?

    Get a front row seat into the life of someone that appears messier than you?

    The list could go on and on. So, pick your favorites and have at it.

    But before you do, I have to tell you that, in hindsight, I was one of the lucky ones.

    I was lucky because I could not keep avoiding those uncomfortable feelings, no matter how hard I tried or what avoidance technique I used. They were like a bad penny that kept showing up.

    If you want to know how that made me lucky, read on. If you prefer to just add some avoidance techniques to what you are already doing, then you can stop reading now.

    So, why was I lucky?

    Because, you see, my feelings ended up being my North Star to the life I wanted.

    First, some education: Feelings, and the emotions that go with them, like absolutely everything else in life, are energy. Energy, by its very nature, has to keep moving. Unfortunately, too many of us learned, at a rather young age, to stuff feelings down deep. Until expressed, those feelings still live on in our bodies.

    We often stuff them so deeply that we don’t necessarily know they exist, unless we are paying attention. Whether you recognize it or not, I assure you those feelings are still having a profound impact on your life. They follow you around in your relationships and in your interactions with yourself and others.

    Your feelings don’t keep you from being all that you can be. They don’t keep you from getting what you want. Your avoidance of them does.

    They show up in the tweak you feel inside when someone says something you don’t like. Or when the voice in your head is saying something different from what is actually coming out of your mouth.

    Maybe they make themselves known when you are driving in traffic or when your child is not obedient.

    How about when your spouse doesn’t help around the house the way you want or when your friends let you down?

    Maybe it shows up in the jealousy or envy you feel for others.

    And let’s not forget the way we tolerate inappropriate behaviors from others.

    The invitation can be subtle. Listen for it. Watch for it. It is always beckoning.

    Feelings left unresolved in our bodies result in dis-ease—mental, physical, and spiritual.

    At some point in my life, despite running, literally and figuratively, the feelings I was trying so desperately to avoid caught up with me.

    I had been running from feelings left over from childhood. I was angry. I was sad. I felt unloved. My self-worth was in the toilet. I tried not to notice.

    Having never learned my value, I unknowingly invited further abuse in my twenties. Running helped me deal with the emotional energy and irritability without my processing the feelings in ways that would permit resolution. In fact, I did not know feelings could be resolved. I thought, “I guess I will always feel this way.” I was wrong. Thank God I was wrong!

    So now, like one of those 5k races, I had run out of steam and I could not outrun my pursuer. So, unable to avoid any longer, I instead began to befriend those difficult feelings. Admittedly, I begrudgingly befriended those feelings, but befriend them I did.

    And I am forever grateful for having done so.

    I learned to be present to my own pain.

    Life is a mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Many of us have experienced some degree of childhood abuse, bullying, neglect, or trauma. The truth is, even in the best of circumstances, we have painful experiences and loss.

    As kids we were powerless. We were dependent on the adults in our lives, unable to fend for ourselves. That left us pretty vulnerable to our environment. As kids we were also pretty ingenious, finding phenomenal ways to defend against situations and feelings we could not handle.

    I became an extension of my dad, trying to be as agreeable and as like him as possible. If Dad was happy, I was better off.

    The problem is, I became the agreeable one in my adult relationships, denying the essence of who I was. I was taking care of the people around me better than I was taking care of myself. I hid who I was assuming it was not acceptable, since in childhood, it was not. What worked in helping me survive childhood ceased to serve its purpose in my adult relationships.

    In fact, those survival skills impede us from being whole, accomplishing our dreams, and having the healthy, intimate relationships we actually want. Unresolved feelings can leave us feeling depressed, anxious, physically sick, and any other number of symptoms. I had them all.

    I remember sitting in my family room one day, thinking. I probably don’t have to tell you how dangerous thinking can be! It’s one of the things we are often trying to avoid. I sure was. The next thing I knew, I was wiping down an already clean kitchen counter. As I regained consciousness from my obvious lapse, a light bulb came on.

    I realized that I did not like what I was thinking about, because it made me feel something I had no interest in feeling.

    Without any conscious awareness, I had gotten up and moved to the kitchen. Now, having woken up from my sleepwalking, I said to myself, “I keep moving to avoid my feelings.”

    Bingo!

    That awareness was a turning point for me, as I began to pay closer attention to the ways that I was avoiding myself, my thoughts, and my feelings.

    As a result of my newfound awareness, another light bulb moment happened one day while driving. I was entering the highway from a two-lane ramp, when a huge dump truck decided to cut over in front of me. I, having little choice, hit my brakes; otherwise, I would have hit him. Man, was I ticked!

    This was not a new experience for me. Trucks cutting me off always left me angry. That was the invitation. I had ignored it long enough. This time I was paying attention.

    Having a history of being pushed around by men, I had learned to be very quiet and compliant, in my attempts to avoid their wrath. Their unresolved anger was taken out on me and being smaller and weaker, I had little choice but to endure.

    Those unresolved feelings still festered inside, and every time a vehicle bigger than me “pushed” me into another lane or forced me to relinquish my right, those feelings got triggered.

    Now, I had something to work with. I needed to be angry. I needed to be sad and I needed to cry. I also needed to feel the powerlessness that had been mine.  

    This was just one of many aha moments I had on this journey of self-discovery. Feelings of anger, grief, sadness, and loss showed up in so many ways and for so many reasons. I finally allowed them to express themselves.

    So, yes, I was lucky. I could not avoid my feelings any longer.

    Through this process, I began to get more comfortable with the pain. It ebbed and flowed like the tides. I found the support I needed and could trust. This is not something we can often do alone.

    I chose to take myself to a psychotherapist, and that turned out to be one of the best things that I ever did for myself. “When the student is ready, the teacher will come.”

    I also began to deal with my self-esteem issues. My inner voice was harsh and judgmental. My feelings about myself were pretty hateful. Each feeling led to the next, taking me deeper into my own experience, and like the proverbial onion, I peeled it back.

    I was being invited to heal. And heal I did. Had I not gone through it myself, I would not have believed that my own transformation could take place in the way that it did. I was made new.

    Learning to sit with my feelings freed me from the need to live in avoidance mode day in and day out. I was no longer fearful. I was better able to go with the flow of life.

    As feelings showed up, I processed them by giving them voice and expression. They were leading me somewhere, and although I was not certain of the destination, I began to trust them.

    As the old feelings began to find their rest, I began to feel better. I was less depressed and less anxious, until I was neither. I enjoyed myself more. My relationships began to be easier. I was more comfortable in my own skin.

    Weeding through those difficult feelings was not easy, but neither was the way I had been living my life previous to having them. I had been afraid to speak up. I had been afraid of being ridiculed. I didn’t like myself. I was more uncomfortable than not. My relationships were distant and disconnected. I was living beneath my potential.

    The avoidance of those feelings controlled my life in more ways than I had been aware.

    We all avoid; it is human nature. We are afraid of the unknown. We are afraid we will collapse and never get up again. We are afraid of spiraling out of control. We are afraid of what change means. We are afraid of what others will think. We are afraid of so many things. And so we avoid.

    We tell ourselves, “It was in the past” or “It happened so long ago.” And lets not forget the “shoulds”: “I should be over this.” “I should let this go.”

    People would tell me, “Let it go.” I would think, “Don’t you think I would if I could?”

    People would say, “Get over it.” I would wonder, “How do I do that?”

    I would think of the people who hurt me, “They did the best they could. What’s wrong with me?”

    I realize now that those telling me to “let it go” or “get over it” were not dealing with their own feelings. And telling myself, “They did the best they could” may be true, but it did not eliminate the fact that what they did hurt me. It was just another way for me to avoid the hurt.

    There was nothing wrong with me. My feelings were about me. No one else. It wasn’t about blame. It was about acknowledging myself and listening to my pain.

    Unexpectedly, I began to trust myself. I learned what it meant to take care of myself and to follow my heart. I made myself a priority. I finally understood what it meant to “let go,” and I could. I made peace with my past, began to enjoy the present, and started to look forward to the future. I was excited about the possibilities.

    Don’t let anyone else tell you how it is. Don’t wait for someone else to make it okay for you to do what you need to do. Don’t minimize your own experience.

    I want to invite you to wake up. Dig in. Lean in.

    Know yourself, understand yourself, learn to love yourself. Pay attention. There are buzzwords like meditation, mindfulness, and self-awareness. Pick one and put it into practice.

    It’s okay to be scared and uncertain. It’s okay to find the support you need. Be your own best friend. Let those feelings have their day. Release them from your body. It will change your life in ways you cannot even imagine.

    You deserve to be free. You will be amazed at your own transformation. You deserve to have all that your heart desires. Can you hear it calling you?

  • Healing from Depression: It Begins With Asking for Help

    Healing from Depression: It Begins With Asking for Help

    Adult Man Crying

    “I speak of a clinical depression that is the background of your entire life, a background of anguish and anxiety, a sense that nothing goes well, that pleasure is unavailable and all your strategies collapse.” ~Leonard Cohen

    Right before my eighteenth birthday, when I was about to go to university, I was hit by a car and sustained multiple fractures to my right leg. This led to a couple of operations and the best part of ten months with me unable to walk.

    While all of my school friends and peers were having the time of their lives in school, I was silently suffering with depression and anxiety, both of which continued to increase.

    Whether it was the weed I smoked, the bottles of whiskey I drank, or the junk food I ate, I could not find comfort or relief from anywhere. Things just got worse, and I felt absorbed and consumed by the victim mentality that I had let penetrate my identity.

    I dropped out of university after re-doing my first year. Despite passing, I just couldn’t go back. I was so ashamed to be me. I didn’t even tell my future housemates that I wouldn’t be returning.

    About this time I realized there was a problem. In retrospect, it should have been glaringly obvious to me, with the self-medicating that was going on, but of course it’s harder to spot problems in ourselves.

    In two years I had gone from one of the most outgoing people I knew, someone who always liked to do things like play sports or party, to a recluse who needed some sort of alternate state of consciousness to function. I started working and going out again on the weekends with some of my old friends and people I had met through work.

    Naively I thought the problems were dissipating and I was returning to who I used to be. Now I look back on it and I know that the younger me had no idea who I was. Things leveled out for a few years until one day I had a breakdown on the way to work.

    There was now no denying the extent of the problem, but hell, if you are in denial you can dig your heels in pretty firmly, and that’s what I did.

    After a few more years of self-medicating, something happened, and to this day I can’t put my finger on the trigger, but something changed that made me realize enough was enough. A good friend recommended a therapist to me, and I was keen to see him and work through the issues that had been building up for seven years.

    So I met with Peter and it seemed like an expensive chat with a nice guy for the first five or six sessions. Around this time I also had had a regular meditation practice. One day whilst meditating I felt like I gave myself permission to open up at the next session with Peter, but I have no idea from where or by whom this permission had been granted.

    I was finally able to approach the issues with candor and rank honesty. I was able to bare my soul and describe how I had felt.

    It’s weird to think that at the age of twenty-five this was perhaps one of the first times I’d done this, but I’d been so suffocated by depression and anxiety, and numbed by my self-medicating, that I had not once looked under the surface to see what things were really like inside. 

    Therapy began to get in to the nitty gritty of what was causing me to feel how I felt.

    I had a fortunate and mostly happy childhood. My parents always did their best for my brothers and me. I could never doubt that. Interestingly, though, there were some wounds from my formative years that may well have contributed to me making some less than ideal choices in my teenage years.

    Add to this the massive fear of missing out and jealously of my peers when I began university, and it’s a perfect recipe for some kind of psychological disorder, which in my case manifested as depression and anxiety.

    I want to take a moment to describe the feeling of depression and anxiety as I experienced it, because I think too often in many parts of our society they are not described in their full ugliness.

    Imagine waking up and feeling sick. Sometimes you throw up, sometimes you don’t. You then have to think about going to work. These thoughts mainly contain a deep sense of dread—not dread of anything in particular, but dread at the overall sense of having to interact with the world.

    It’s so hard to describe because I wasn’t scared of interacting with people and I had friends, I just didn’t want anybody to know me.

    After the dread comes self-loathing. I wasn’t worth knowing. I wasn’t worthy of any attention or any of the good things in life. How could anybody want to be around me? I didn’t feel deserving of anything really, and I projected this on to my work life, where I never tried anywhere near as hard as I could.

    If it were the weekend, I’d do the only thing I knew that would help me: smoke weed or get drunk. It seems ridiculous now, and it probably is, that despite me being anxious and paranoid about going out, I would smoke weed, which only served to exacerbate this reluctance to leave the house. But it was my crutch; it held me up. (It didn’t, it made things worse.)

    I’m aware of the futility of describing feelings in explicit terms. Nobody else but me will know exactly how I felt.

    It’s like having a weighted vest on your chest that makes doing anything difficult. It’s like having the most negative person you could think of on your shoulder constantly nagging you, deeply instilling a sense of not being good enough and destroying any modicum of self-worth and self-respect that remained.

    Despite this being my personal experience, I now know that I was not alone. Nearly a fifth of people in the UK, where I live, suffer with depression or anxiety at some stage in their lives. This I am okay with, it’s natural. Life has its downs, bad stuff happens, and it is our psyche’s way of dealing with it.

    What I am not okay with is that it’s estimated that 50-80% of people suffering with depression do not receive treatment. 

    The stigma surrounding mental health issues in functional human beings is astounding. Because of our society’s attitude toward mental health, many people suffer in silence, and suffer much longer than they might need to.

    I want people to know that you can talk to people. You can get help. There are support structures in place through healthcare providers that can give you a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I was one of the lucky ones who, through a stroke of luck, found a way to ask for the help I needed. I’m still not sure how that happened, but I know I am forever grateful for it.

    Through therapy, learning to accept myself, and my meditation practice, I am fortunate enough to say I don’t think I will head down that road again. And I know that the people around me will help me. If not, then I can pay to see qualified professionals who will be able to give me the help I need.

    I know we have weeks and campaigns to raise awareness of these issues, but this is something we should always be aware of.

    If you are the one who is suffering, know that there are people out there who can help. If you’re suffering in silence and carrying on, then you have already shown you are brave enough to ask for help.

    If you know somebody who is suffering, remind them that you are there for them, and that there are people who can help.

    With the rate of diagnoses of these types of illnesses increasing over the last half a century or so, it’s more important than ever that we are able to help each other in anyway we can, especially with something as quintessentially human as our feelings.

    There are a few links below to free online resources that can provide support in dealing with your feelings. Of course, you can also discuss how you feel with a trusted friend or family member, or a professional. However you do it, know that taking the first step and asking for help is how it starts to get better.

    Anxiety Forum – Recommendations and a forum to discuss anxiety

    The American Psychological Association – Site includes research on anxiety, getting help, psychology news, and helpful books pertaining to the illness.

    Depression Forums – Offers a caring, safe environment for members to talk to their peers about depression, anxiety, mood disorders, medications, therapy, and recovery.

    Mental Health Forum – Loads of information and a friendly place to discuss mental health issues.

    British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy – Find a UK therapist.

    For further resources see the Tiny Buddha Helpful Free Resources page

  • When Fear and Panic Win: How to Deal with Anxiety

    When Fear and Panic Win: How to Deal with Anxiety

    Panicked man

    “Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe. You’re strong. You got this. Take it day by day.” ~Karen Salmansohn

    As much as I believe that you can move through fear to do whatever it is that you want to do, sometimes fear wins.

    Sometimes, try as you might, you can’t push yourself forward. You retreat, worn, battle scarred, banged up, and with your tail between your legs.

    You wave your white flag. You surrender.

    Fear wins.

    But it is in this moment of loss that you can learn some very important things.

    Let me explain.

    Earlier this year, a friend invited me to a play. Looking forward to it, I got dressed, ate lunch, and headed out to take the train.

    On the train to the show I had a panic attack.

    Sometime along my teen years, I developed a phobia called emetophobia (the fear of throwing up). It manifests itself most often as panic attacks, usually in confined spaces like trains. It had been better for years, and that day on the train the panic came back.

    Through sheer grit, distraction, and tears I made it to the theater, pulled myself together. and tried to pretend that I was okay (to my friend and to myself).

    We made it to our seats in the top row in the corner and panic began again. About five minutes into the show, the panic returned, and all I could do was hop out of my seat and book it down the steps and out into the hallway.

    I tried to wait it out. I went to the bathroom, paced in the hallway, went downstairs, but I couldn’t go back inside. I sent a text to my friend to tell him that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to go home, and then I left, absolutely defeated.

    Still feeling too anxious to get in a moving vehicle, I decided to walk, or rather I just started walking. I walked almost 1.5 miles (or 2.4 kilometers) home wearing heels. About halfway home, I called my mother to tell her what happened and began to cry hysterically.

    What a sight. Fear had won. I had lost.

    Shame, disappointment, and self-hatred poured into my psyche from all angles.

    “What’s wrong with you? You’re defective. You’re unlovable like this. You’re a failure. How can you write about fear when you can’t even master your own?”

    My mind hurled insults faster than I could catch them, and by the time I got home I was so exhausted that all I could do was go to sleep.

    After I woke the next day and in the weeks after, I began to journal about my experience and speak to people about what happened.

    I learned some things that have made a profound difference in how I experience and deal with anxiety now and I’d like to share them with you.

    1. You are not alone.

    The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 18% of adults in the United States experience an anxiety disorder. That’s at least 50 million people! And when you add in what’s likely to be similar rates around the world, that figure grows even more.

    When you’re struggling with fear, it’s easy to feel like you’re alone and no one else goes through what you go through. Anxiety is way more common than you think, and while it’s sad that it affects so many people, you can use that knowledge to lighten up on any judgment you make of yourself.

    2. With that said, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

    Fear, anxiety, and panic don’t make you defective or broken; they make you human. When I experienced a panic attack, I would find myself feeling ashamed. Like I was wearing a scarlet letter, branding me as a worthless person.

    Ever notice how people who suffer from a physical challenge like arthritis or poor vision or a broken leg don’t often feel ashamed about their condition? It’s just something they’re dealing with. They are not lesser people because of it. It’s the same with fear-related struggles.

    There is nothing wrong with you if you struggle with fear, anxiety, or panic attacks. It’s just something that you’re dealing with.

    3. Sometimes fear wins, but it’s how you bounce back that matters.

    If I’ve learned one thing thus far in this journey of life, it’s that there’s always something to work through. This means that while you might be accomplished in dealing with fear in one area (for example, I’ve developed the ability to go to social events by myself, in spite of fear), you might come across other areas that you want to work on, and that’s just life.

    The power comes in recognizing this, acknowledging that you’ve had a setback and then picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and trying again some other time. In that way, fear may win a small skirmish, but not the long-term battle.

    4. Sometimes fear wins, but it’s what you learn that matters.

    Again, fear doesn’t win for long or at all if you learn something about yourself or life through the process.

    When I panicked on the train and at the theatre and immediately went into self-hatred and judgment, I realized just how much I was loving myself with conditions. When things went well, I felt pretty good about myself, but as soon as I felt anxious, I snatched that love away.

    True self-love comes from accepting yourself as you are, not from waiting until you are perfect. It’s about loving yourself in spite of what you feel might be wrong, and not because nothing is wrong. Let those things that you find lacking in your life make you love yourself more.

    Learning to use the panic attack as a signal to love myself more has made me feel safe in my own body to experience whatever it is that happens to come up.

    5. And in addition to self-love, learn to treat yourself with extreme care and kindness.

    Pretend you’re dealing with a small child who is terrified. What would you do? Probably not yell, judge, or berate the child. You would likely give the child a hug, offer to buy them a treat, play with them, or try to make them laugh.

    Pretend you are that child. Give yourself what you would give that child. In many ways we all carry around our child self, even when we become adults.

    6. Who you have in your corner outside of yourself also makes a difference.

    Fear can be so isolating. It’s easier to retreat to the safety of your own known thoughts than it is to chance being exposed or judged by another. At least that’s what I used to believe.

    I now believe that fighting fear completely alone can be so much harder. Having at least one person in your corner who you can talk to about your fears and your bouts with anxiety can help you keep moving forward. Someone who can say to you the things that you have a hard time saying to yourself. Someone who is kind and caring and can help you learn how to be kind and caring to yourself by internalizing their words.

    7. And finally, panic feeds on running.

    It’s the running that makes things worse, so find ways to stay with what’s happening.

    I’ve been learning more about what happens in our bodies when we have a panic attack, and it’s essentially a fear-symptoms-fear cycle.

    You feel or think a scary thought. Your body responds with the fight-or-flight response, causing your heart to race, your breathing to quicken, your hands to shake, your stomach to feel weak. You interpret those physical symptoms as something being wrong and then you get more afraid, furthering the cycle, until you’re in a big panicky mess.

    The most effective way to deal with these feelings is to understand what is happening in your body, know that it’s not dangerous, accept that you feel those things without trying to push them away (being fully able to admit how much the feelings are uncomfortable), and then just wait and let them pass. In time, they inevitably will.

    As much as I resist this, I’ve since tried this approach many times, and while uncomfortable, I’ve seen it work enough that I’m convinced that there’s something to it.

    The more you can view your panic attacks as an opportunity to learn about yourself and practice unconditional self-love, the less you will feel like a victim in your life. And when you feel empowered to know that you can trust yourself to move through any scary situation that comes your way, in the end you will have won.

    I’d love to hear what you do to support your journey when fear and panic win. Please share your tips (or questions) in the comments below so we can all support each other!

  • Gratitude: The Antidote for Painful Feelings and Fuel for Happiness

    Gratitude: The Antidote for Painful Feelings and Fuel for Happiness

    “The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

    The longer I travel on my journey, the more I realize that gratitude is the universal antidote to painful feelings. In fact, it’s the quickest route I know to happiness, which makes it a good idea to be grateful all day long.

    However, when we are in a low mood or something knocks us off course, it can be easy to forget just how many amazing things there are in our lives to be grateful for, even just in one single day. It’s as if a setback erases our memories of all the good things and it feels like nothing has ever gone right for us.

    Like so many things in life, it takes daily practice to develop gratitude. As a wise anonymous person said, “Gratitude is not the result of things that happen to us; it is an attitude we cultivate by practice.” So just how can we practice being thankful and bring more of this into our lives?

    For me, my gratitude diary is the single most effective tool to date in my self-development.

    It’s not a chore, but a practice that is essential to my well-being, combined with meditation to relax and focus on the present moment. I want to share with you just how I approach this, in the hope that it might support and inspire you too.

    A few mornings ago, I woke up very early feeling low, worried, and anxious, and didn’t want to get out of bed. I had suffered a lack of sleep from worrying, and nothing seemed worthwhile.

    I was full of fear and doubt about the less conventional path I had chosen for my life. Shouldn’t I be following the nine-to-five work routine like everyone else?! What did I think I was doing trying to follow my dreams?!

    I had been used to a fixed structure or routine in my life, like a safety net or comfort zone (not that it had been that comfortable, which was part of the reason I chose something else!) Suddenly, I felt vulnerable without it and panicky. What was going to happen to me? My inner critic was working overtime, and I was momentarily in the grip of my fears.

    Luckily, I have established a daily routine of writing in my gratitude diary and doing twenty minutes of meditation first thing every morning for over a year now. I do it without fail, even when I can’t be bothered or it seems pointless. Even when my heart is not in it.

    It’s an important ritual that resets my day on a positive note from the very beginning. In the words of Buddha, “Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.”

    Within a few seconds of putting pen to paper, I am reminded of why I do it. Gratitude is a lifesaver. I can’t help but smile as the process of writing helps me remember just how many things I have experienced, even just in the past day, that I am grateful for.

    It’s not so much the words on the page, but the process of recalling the memories and writing them down.

    This also makes me feel, again, the enjoyable emotions that I felt at the time I experienced these things, so it reinforces the positive feelings and sets up a sort of loop of gratitude and of happiness.

    In the words of another anonymous speaker of wisdom, “When you smile about the life you live, you end up living a life worth smiling about.”

    So, here are my tips for how to establish and maintain an effective daily gratitude practice:

    Pick a time of day that suits you.

    The morning is without a doubt the best time for me to write my diary. It sets me up for the day. Not only do I have the chance to review all the wonderful experiences of the day before, but this programs my mind, right at the beginning of my day, to look for things to be thankful for in everything I do.

    I also know people who write such a diary in the evening so that they go to bed having reviewed and appreciated everything in that day.

    Try different times of day to see what works best for you as an individual rather than subscribe to how other people approach this.

    Fake it till you make it.

    Write things down even when it feels insincere. If you are feeling low, it is a great opportunity for this practice to help lift you mood. You would be surprised how quickly your mood can change for the better, even from the time you start writing to when you have finished.

    If you can’t think of anything to be grateful for, start with what seem like small things: the fact that you are alive today, you have a roof over your head, you have food in your belly, you have your breath—not only does it brings you oxygen, but it gives you access to calmness and the present moment. The list goes on, and writing one thing leads to another, until you realize just how much there really is.

    Do it every day.

    Make this part of your daily routine. Even if your mood doesn’t change immediately, persist with the practice. To me, it seems that, like meditation, it has a cumulative effect. So, even if you don’t notice the difference in your mood over the first few days or weeks, don’t give up. It builds a reserve of gratitude in you that will eventually affect every moment of your life.

    I know this might sound too good to be true, but this practice really does start to seep into every aspect of your life.

    Set aside the time to do this as a gift to yourself.

    It is easy to say that we don’t have time to do things. However, using that excuse means we often cheat ourselves out of practices that would really benefit our well-being.

    My diary writing takes me ten minutes before I get out of bed in the morning. I keep my diary next to my bed, and it’s the first thing I do after opening my eyes. To wake up to gratitude is the best way to start my day. Along with twenty minutes of meditation, once I am fully awake and feeling positive from my diary writing, my whole pre-breakfast routine takes me just thirty minutes.

    (Actually, sometimes I go for a run too, if I feel like it—another great way to start my morning.) I avoid the urge to check emails or social media. This is my sacred time that is set aside each morning for me. It’s a way of starting the day as I mean to go on, by taking care of myself.

    Try a format that works for you.

    I love writing, so that is a format that suits me. However, if that doesn’t work for you, try something else. What about drawing? A video diary is another option, or an audio version.

    Another option is to write something you are grateful for on a piece of paper and put it into a jar. After a year, you can open it—maybe on New Year’s Eve—and read all the wonderful things you were thankful for that year. Again, don’t be swayed by the way other people are doing it. If you don’t enjoy the process then you won’t keep up the practice. Do what appeals to you.

    Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

    If you set a target of two pages of gratitude diary every day, you are unlikely to keep the practice up for long. Set yourself a goal that is easily achievable and doesn’t feel like a chore.

    My commitment to myself (as part of a longer list of self-care promises) was to write just three things a day. Anyone can write just three things. You will be surprised, though, how easily three things can turn into a lot more.

    Because I know I only need to write three items, I am relaxed and not pressured. This means that I invariably end up writing a whole page, maybe more, just because I want to and because the gratitude flows easily. You would be surprised, once you get started, just how many things there are to be grateful for.

    Actively choose gratitude.

    Your mind is a powerful and adaptable tool. If you program it to be a certain way, including with the language you use to yourself, then it will learn to be that way. If you program it to look for and celebrate things to be grateful for, then it will learn to do that for you. As Buddha is quoted as saying, “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.”

    It’s our choice and it’s a simple question really: Do I want to spend the day being miserable, or do I want to choose to do something about it and shift my attitude? As Wayne Dyer said, “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”

    See things to be grateful for in every occasion.

    If you can even identify and be grateful for the opportunities that come to you as a result of seemingly bad occurrences, then you are a master of gratitude and well on your way to a happy life! The ultimate example of this is perhaps famous Haiku poet, Basho, when he wrote;

    “Since my house burnt down,

    I now own a better view

    Of the rising moon.”

    Mine is just one approach to keeping a gratitude diary; maybe you do yours differently. Or maybe you have another gratitude practice that works for you. I would love to hear what you do to focus on an attitude of gratitude.

  • 9 Mindful Social Media Practices That Will Make You a Happier Person

    9 Mindful Social Media Practices That Will Make You a Happier Person

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    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    Social media is not a full (or even sometimes real) portrayal of someone’s life. If you forget this, you fall into the trap of comparing your life to what someone else chooses to share.

    This is dangerous.

    Comparing can lead to feelings of inadequacy, envy, and even hatred toward others. These kinds of feelings, if left un-dealt with, can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Or, if you are a person who already struggles with anxiety or depression, having these kinds of negative thoughts all the time could make it even worse.

    I used to struggle with low self-esteem and negative thoughts. I didn’t deal with this and ended up having severe anxiety and depression. My life was turned upside down. I had panic attacks daily and felt overwhelmed almost every single day.

    I let it get unbearably bad before I did anything about it. When I did decide to make a change, I did a number of different things in order to take control back of my life. One of those things included committing to a consistent mindfulness and meditation practice.

    My health and life literally depended on me learning how to be more positive and mindful, and social media wasn’t helping.

    As I started to become more and more aware, I realized that there was a lot of negativity consuming me from being online all the time. All those images of perfect bodies, perfect friendships, and perfect relationships were leading me to assume that my life wasn’t perfect.

    I was always thinking in terms of lack, what I didn’t have, and what everyone else seemed to have. 

    Thinking like this all the time made me sick, in the literal sense.

    My life and feelings dramatically improved when I began to apply the teachings of mindfulness to every aspect of my life, including the way I operate on social media.

    The things I am about to share with you will help you to integrate mindfulness more deeply into your daily life. They will turn your daily social media experience from a negative to a more positive one.

    The first thing you need to know is that when the mind is left unattended, it doesn’t do a great job of taking care of itself. If you are not consciously making an effort to choose positive thoughts about others and yourself, you may, by default, end up thinking negatively.

    So, if you are scrolling through Facebook or Instagram and you do not have awareness of your thoughts, it’s likely that your mind will come to negative conclusions and assumptions about others, and also yourself, such as:

    “She is so much prettier than me.”

    “Wow, she has a good body. I need to look like her.”

    “He has everything going for him. My life is so boring.”

    “Why would he post that?”

    “What an attention seeker.”

    Sound familiar?

    The second thing you need to know is that what you think and say affects how you feel. Positive thoughts lead to positive feelings and negative thoughts lead to negative feelings.

    Now that you know these things, we’re ready to dive in. Here are my top nine ways you can be mindful on social media and consequently, become a happier person.

    Before You Begin

    1. Set an intention.

    Before you get on social media, stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that your goal is to have a positive experience.

    2. Remind yourself to stay present.

    The only way to truly be happy is to be present, and the more you can apply this to your life, the less negativity you will feel. Notice your hands touching the screen, feel your body sitting on the couch or chair, and focus on your breathing as often as possible to avoid getting lost in your thoughts.

    3. Take the time to clean up your feed.

    Unfollow people that regularly complain or post negative content, and consciously choose to follow more positive people and pages. This will make a world of difference if you end up scrolling through unconsciously, because you will unconsciously be taking in uplifting information.

    I used to wish that I looked like anyone but myself. I used to look at other girls with deep envy, wishing I had their perfect skin and bodies. Because my mind could not control itself, I choose to unfollow all fitness inspiration people in my feed and filled it with positive words and inspirational content instead. You get to choose who you follow. Make sure you choose well.

    When Posting

    4. Let go of your attachment to the outcome; don’t expect a certain number of likes.

    Unconsciously, you might think that likes = validation and that the more likes you get the more liked you are as a person, or that if you don’t get likes that you’re not liked as a person.

    The amount of likes you get has nothing to do with who you are, how attractive you are, or how many friends you have. Remember, some people actually pay for likes! They mean nothing.

    Notice if you have this belief about likes. Do you feel differently about a situation when you get fewer likes? Do you compare the amount you get to the amount someone else gets?

    These are all things we need to start to become aware of. You will feel happier when you have confidence and believe in what you’re posting, and when you don’t feel the need for it to be liked. Just simply reminding yourself that you don’t need this image or post to be liked, before posting, can be really powerful.

    5. Post positive content or things that are helpful. Avoid complaining.

    This is in relation to posting and also commenting. Ask yourself, Is what I’m posting positive? Is it helpful? Try not to complain or engage in arguments or negative conversations. This will drain your energy.

    Make it a habit to compliment one or two people or express your gratitude to one or two people each time you go online. Without sounding so cliché, I would like to strongly recommend that you take the time to spread love and good vibes when you are online, not just because it is good for others but because it’s good for your health!

    I’m not suggesting that we should pretend that bad things don’t happen, or that we should hide or suppress our feelings. We should, however, ensure that we do our best to see things in a positive light to avoid spiraling further down a path of negativity.

    6. Challenge your initial reaction to criticism.

    If you receive a negative comment, take some time to reflect upon whether or not there’s truth in it. It’s not easy, but try to detach from your ego and be honest with yourself.

    If it’s true, express your gratitude to that person for bringing it to your attention. If it’s not true, forgive and delete or forgive and don’t engage. I heard this tip from Gabby Bernstein, and it has completely changed my experience on social media. It just makes life so much easier!

    When Scrolling

    7. Practice non-judgment.

    We all know we need to do this, but do we actually do it? It can be helpful to remind yourself of the consequences of judging. When you think negatively about others, this makes you feel bad, not the other person.

    Remember that negative thoughts lead to negative feelings. If you want to feel good, you have to start thinking good thoughts about others on a regular basis. If you catch yourself judging someone else, make an effort to find three good or positive things about that person.

    8. Realize that envy is a call for inspiration.

    Instead of seeing others with envy, look at them as a person to be inspired by. If someone has achieved what you want to achieve, then that means it’s possible for you to achieve that in your life too!

    9. Be curious about the stories your mind makes up.

    You can do this as an experiment: Scroll through your feed for five to ten minutes, with your full attention, and notice all the stories your mind makes up.

    When something comes up, ask yourself if it’s helpful for you to believe that story. Is it helpful for you to think you’re not good enough? Is it helpful for you to judge that other person’s choices or life?

    The mind thinks things that we wouldn’t want others to know. We have to acknowledge that this content is there and be non-attached to it at the same time.

    It’s important to be curious about the mind instead of judging it or getting frustrated by it. This is one of the most important things to know if you want to be a more mindful person.

    Your frustration on top of your judgment only makes things worse. It’s only by learning to accept yourself and others that you can bring a sense of peace and happiness to your life.

    By integrating mindfulness into your social media experience, you can decrease anxiety and stress, eliminate negativity, and live a happier and more fulfilling life.

  • 10 Creative Ways to Express Gratitude

    10 Creative Ways to Express Gratitude

    Thank you

    “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” ~William Arthur Ward

    It’s probably no surprise to you that gratitude is one of the most effective ways to increase your own happiness—and the happiness of others. But did you know that practicing gratitude can also make you healthier, less stressed, and more optimistic? Plus, it’s even been shown to have positive effects on your career and relationships.

    Gratitude is clearly a worthwhile practice, and there are tons of wonderful resources online (even here on Tiny Buddha!) filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas for practicing thankfulness.

    Whether it’s writing in a gratitude journal, sending out a thankful note, or saying “thank you” to people you love, there are countless ways to express appreciation and thankfulness.

    Embracing gratitude might not be so difficult when things are going well, but over the past few years I’ve discovered just how powerful gratitude can be when going through a difficult time.

    After a lifetime of perfectly good health, last autumn I was unexpectedly faced with the challenge of having four surgeries. As someone who battles with extreme anxiety when it comes to anything medical (especially needles!), the prospect of surgery terrified me.

    During this difficult time, I was so fortunate to have friends, family members, and even strangers treat me with kindness, love, and compassion—something that I know wasn’t always easy, given my panicky state of mind!

    One of the ways I coped with my anxiety was transferring my attention from my apprehension to appreciation. Every time I found myself dwelling on my fears, I asked myself: What can I be thankful for? Who can I thank today?

    While I won’t deny that four surgeries (and tons of bed rest!) was an unpleasant experience, it did give me the opportunity to have a life-changing revelation: expressing gratitude can be a transformative experience.

    The more I focused on being thankful (and expressing that gratitude), the less time I had to ruminate on my worries.

    Being thankful not only helped me to better cope with my worries, but expressing my appreciation to others helped me to strengthen my relationships with my friends, family members, and even my surgeon!

    Whether you’re in the midst of one of life’s highs or one of it’s lows, you have a great deal to gain from taking your appreciation and sharing it with the world. Here are some of my favorite ideas for doing just that:

    1. Like every post on friends’ social media feeds

    Pressing a button to like a post might seem like a small thing, but in our digital age, this tiny act can be a great—and easy!—way to express gratitude.

    Silly as it might sound, those little notifications can mean a lot to some people and, unless you actively disagree with what’s being conveyed in the post, why not show your appreciation for the person who shared it by giving it a thumbs-up or a heart?

    2. Forgive someone who has hurt you

    Forgiveness might not sound directly connected to gratitude, but when you forgive someone who has hurt you (with or without an apology), what you’re essentially doing is expressing gratitude for the experience and for the opportunity to experience compassion for someone else.

    Forgiveness, mind you, does not condone the wrongdoing. It merely offers you a chance to free yourself from resentment and anger, which is a way to love yourself.

    3. Connect two friends who might like each other

    Friendships are one of life’s greatest gifts, and what better way to express gratitude for them than to help create more positive relationships?

    If you think two friends might hit it off (either romantically or platonically), introduce them to one another. This is a great way to not only express your gratitude for friendship in general, but also to show these two people that you love and value them.

    4. Donate clothing to your local homeless shelter

    How many articles of clothing to you have that you don’t actually wear? If you sort through your closet and drawers, you’ll probably find tons of items you no longer need to keep.

    Choosing to donate these items to those in need is not only a kind thing to do, but also a way of express gratitude for the time you were able to wear those clothes, for those who made the clothes, and for the opportunity to pass them along to someone in need.

    5. Make and share a list of someone’s good traits

    Do you ever have those moments when you look at a friend or loved one and think about how amazing they are? Don’t keep those thoughts to yourself!

    Every time you notice something wonderful about someone else, write it down. When you have a nice little list gathered, share it with him or her to express how thankful you are for his or her wonderful traits.

    6. Share your positive reviews with others

    More often than not, when people take time to speak to a manager at a shop or restaurant or write an online review, it’s because they’ve had a bad experience and want to vent about it. But imagine what it would be like if people shared every positive they had with a product or service!

    The next time someone is helpful or you enjoy a product, tell others about your experience. Leaving positive reviews and telling managers about positive employees is a fantastic way to express gratefulness.

    7. Put your phone away when you’re with people

    One of the absolute best ways to express your gratitude for others is by doing your best to be fully present in their presence.

    This is not always easy (especially with all of the digital distractions!), but try your hardest to put your phone away when you’re interacting with others. Doing so will allow you to be more appreciative of the experiences you have with them.

    8. Write a handwritten letter (not just a note!)

    You’re hopefully no stranger to the thank you note. A handwritten thank-you is one of the most impactful ways to express gratitude in an era when most people simply jot off an email or a text. But when was the last time you wrote a letter to express you gratitude?

    Break out that loose leaf paper, a pen, and take some time write a full-page letter to a loved one, expressing your gratitude for everything they’ve done for you.

    9. Pick up and throw away litter when you see it

    Big picture gratitude is something that’s often ignored when thankfulness is discussed, but if you’re not spending time appreciating, and caring for, the world around you, you’re missing out on a great gratitude opportunity.

    One simple and effective way to express appreciation for the world is to pick up and dispose of litter whenever you see it. It’s a small act, but if we all did it, the world would be a much better (and cleaner!) place.

    10. Teach someone about something new

    We all have unique skills and talents. Whether it’s something small (like mastering Snapchat) or big (like fully comprehending how quantum physics works), we all have knowledge we can share with others.

    Sharing what we know allows us not only to show appreciation for others (after all, we value them enough to teach them something), but it also is a chance for us to be grateful for our personal knowledge and skills (and for the ways we were able to learn them).

    —

    Whether you choose to express gratitude using one of these creative gratitude tips or all ten, it’s my hope that they’ve inspired you in some way to think outside the box when it comes to showing appreciation for the people and experiences in your life.

    Gratitude is one of the greatest ways to make your world a happier place, and the more you practice it, the more things you’ll find to be grateful for.

    —

    Editor’s Note: Dani has generously offered to give two sets of her two new books, Gratitude and Living in the Moment, to Tiny Buddha readers. To enter to win a free set, leave a comment below sharing something you’re grateful for. For an extra entry, share this post on one of your social media pages and include the link in your comment. You can enter until midnight, PST, on Friday, September 16th.

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are marleyposh and Siege Htrowsdloh.

  • The Self-Analysis Trap: Stop Dissecting Your Every Thought and Action

    The Self-Analysis Trap: Stop Dissecting Your Every Thought and Action

    Monkey Mind

    “Explanation separates us from astonishment, which is the only gateway to the incomprehensible.” ~Eugene Ionesco

    We are taught from a very young age that it is our responsibility to reflect on the motives behind our actions and behaviors. From the time we can form sentences, we are asked the questions: “Why did you make that choice?” and “What made you do that?”

    These questions often follow bad behavior and punishment. Our parents were trying to teach us, with the best of intentions, that we are responsible for our own actions.

    This is a necessary lesson for young children, who are discovering their autonomy and the consequences of their behavior in a social world.

    To a certain point, we should be held responsible for our actions, by others and ourselves. A conscientious person practices self-reflection and recognizes the origin and causes of thoughts and feelings when possible.

    But for some of us, myself included, it feels like every thought and behavior needs to be analyzed.

    Self-reflection, rumination, and justification fill my day and keep me up late at night. In order to maintain a sense of self-control and discipline, I dissect every emotion I feel and every action I take, all the while building a psychological narrative for my life.

    For a long time, my drive to understand my behavior was an asset. I could explain my actions and thoughts more maturely than other kids, and adults prided me on my reflective nature.

    When I was younger, I was blessed with mental health. Because my mind was functioning correctly and promoting the right behaviors and feelings, it was easy for me to explain and justify my actions. For the most part, they were appropriate and positive.

    If I did act slightly out of line or overreact to a situation, I could assemble a psychological justification for it. Whether I dipped into parental relationships, miniature traumas from kindergarten, or a mere misunderstanding, I always managed to justify my behavior with sound psychological reasoning.

    I thought of myself as my own personal therapist, totally capable of unearthing the intricate details of my inner psyche.

    I perceived myself to be in total control of my feelings and my life. My brain was subject to my willpower. Most importantly, I was never at a loss when asked the question: “Why did you do that?”

    The summer after I turned sixteen, my mental health began to unravel. I began to use my copious willpower and self-control to lose some weight and increase my fitness level.

    At first, I did have control of my weight loss, and my brain’s intentions lined up with my conscious goals. I looked great, I felt great, and I hadn’t faltered a single day in my diet and exercise routine.

    Then, some time in August, my weight-loss spiraled out of control. I became more restrictive and ramped up my exercise. My behavior, once a matter of conscious decision, was inexplicable to me. The thoughts in my head, centered on weight loss and extreme exercise, were loud and unintelligible to me.

    For a while, I kept these thoughts quiet, telling myself that I would soon get control of my brain. I didn’t want to admit to myself or others that I had lost control of my thoughts and feelings.

    I felt weak and stupid because I couldn’t understand my own behavior, and I felt the need to punish myself for failing to comprehend my mental state. Unfortunately, the easiest way for me to punish myself was to lose more weight and push myself even harder in my exercise.

    My parents and other adults in my life did notice that I was losing weight, and asked me what was going on.

    I cycled through faulty lines of logic—school stress, loneliness, a desire to be “healthy” taken too far—but I knew that none of these explanations was entirely correct. I would tell those around me that I had finally figured out the true root of my restrictive eating, only to continue the next day.

    Nearly a year after this began, one of my favorite teachers suggested that we have a talk about my mental health. I told him about the craziness of the past year, and came clean with the fact that I didn’t understand my own mind anymore. I apologized profusely, waiting for him to question me about my social, emotional, and academic life to find answers.

    Instead, he told me something I will never forget:

    “Avery, you don’t have to understand. No one can really understand everything that they say or do. We aren’t supposed to figure everything out, because life is messy and not everything can be analyzed and justified. Some things are just incomprehensible.”

    Some things are just incomprehensible. Hearing this lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. It was okay to rest in a state of unknowing, to breathe, even in the midst of confusion.

    After this conversation, I was finally able to accept that my brain is only partially open to my conscious analysis. I can justify some of my actions, but sometimes I will feel or think certain things that can’t be rationally explained. I realized that I am allowed to understand only a fraction of what it means to be human.

    In lieu of our talk, I stopped trying to justify my behavior, and instead focused on what I could control: my reaction to my thoughts and feelings. When thoughts enter my head, I can decide how to respond to them, even if I can’t understand where they came from or why they are surfacing in the moment.

    Paradoxically, accepting that I do not and cannot justify all of my thoughts and behaviors has been the single most important step in recovering my weight and my mental health.

    I no longer need to punish myself for failing to understand. I can love myself without absolutely knowing myself, just the way I love others without understanding their every thought and action.

    At first, when talking to my family and friends, I expected them to be disappointed in me when I confessed that I couldn’t make sense of my feelings and behavior. Amazingly, the opposite happened: People felt closer to me than ever before, and found me more relatable because I too struggled to understand myself.

    The truth is, none of us will ever fully grasp the origin and cause of our every thought, feeling, and action. Neurologically speaking, we actually aren’t supposed to; scientists now know that we can only infer and predict many of our actions, just as we predict the actions of others based on limited information.

    Letting go of our constant self-analysis and rationalization is scary at first for people like me, who take pride in self-control and reflection.

    However, by accepting that you cannot know or explain your whole self, you liberate yourself from the constant burden of rumination. You are free to control what you can control—your reactions to thoughts—and to let the rest come and go.

    Next time you ask yourself, or someone asks you, “Why did you do that?” you have the right to say, “I don’t know” if the answer truly eludes you.

    Of course, in some situations, it will be necessary to get to the root of a problem, especially when dealing with relationships. Even so, you have the right to not know yet; some feelings and habits can only be understood with time and distance.

    It’s okay to tell others that you need time and space to process your thoughts, and that, for the time being, you cannot offer a succinct explanation.

    They say that the only thing as complicated as the universe is the human brain. Both are chaotic, awe-inspiring, rife with contradictions, and impossible to fully comprehend. That is what makes them, and, by extension, life, so exciting and beautiful.

  • How to Stop Measuring Your Worth in Achievements

    How to Stop Measuring Your Worth in Achievements

    “The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.” ~Robert Hand

    The first vivid memory I have of anxiety is when I was only seven years old. I sat in math class, gripped with fear that I wouldn’t get a perfect score on my test. If I got even one answer wrong, I would feel worthless.

    This striving for achievement followed me all the way through college. I not only graduated with a 4.0 grade point average, but I had an impressive Curriculum Vitae filled with awards, extra curricular activities, publications, honor societies, and more. Each time I added something to my list of achievements, I felt a surge of worthiness.

    Yet, this satisfaction with myself didn’t last long. Soon, I was on to the next task to prove to myself (and others) that I am worthy. 

    I fell into the same trap in graduate school: commuting each night, taking extra classes, making all A’s, working a part-time job—until the panic attacks hit. I couldn’t control my brewing anxiety anymore, and I developed debilitating panic disorder and agoraphobia. I could barely function, so I made the decision to drop out of my graduate courses.

    I believe the panic attacks were my body’s and mind’s way of screaming out for help. Their way of saying, “I’ll make you stop since you won’t listen,” of letting me know that perfection isn’t healthy or possible.

    During those anxiety-ridden days, the panic made it impossible for me to live a successful life according to my previous definitions. Suddenly, my biggest accomplishment was simply making it through the day or going to the grocery store alone. I felt antsy and worthless without academics or a steady job.

    I was forced to redefine my ideas of self-worth. I realized that chasing my worth based on one accomplishment after another was making me miserable.

    I had to learn that my worth runs so much deeper than what I can prove through achievement. I had to learn that I am worthy simply because I exist, and nothing more.

    Here are four ways that I have started overcoming the need to base my worth on accomplishments.

    1. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself that have nothing to do with achievement.

    This may sound silly or trivial, but making a list of the things you adore about yourself is actually a lot harder than you’d think. The first time I sat down to write this list, nothing came to mind that wasn’t linked to my accomplishments.

    Slowly, I opened up to the fact that I love how genuinely good-hearted I am. I’m compassionate and sensitive, and I love that about myself. I love that I’m a good listener. I love that I’m soft-spoken and not confrontational. From there, the list just kept flowing.

    If you have a difficult time with this, it can be helpful to ask your loved ones to write a list of all the things they love about you. This can be a wonderful way to remind you that you are more than what you do.

    2. Redefine your idea of success.

    Recently, I felt twinges of worthlessness as I perused social media and found that my peers were accomplishing seemingly great things in their high-paying, full-time jobs. They looked successful, and I felt very unsuccessful teaching my low-paying yoga classes and publishing my writing for free.

    But then I stopped and asked myself what a successful life would look like to me. For me, a successful life would be spending the day doing things I love. It would be having loving relationships that teach me and help me grow. It would be making a positive impact, however small, with my work. Success doesn’t have to mean money or recognizable accomplishment.

    After I defined what success looks like to me, I realized I’m already living that life. I spend my days teaching yoga and writing, the two things I absolutely love to do. I have beautiful relationships. I’m making a positive impact with my teaching and my words.

    As I was busy chasing some unattainable dream of success, I didn’t realize I had it all along.

    When you find yourself gripped with unworthiness, ask yourself what success would look like to you, and you alone. Are there ways in which you’re already living a successful life, based on your own definition? The answers might surprise you.

    3. Meditate on the part of you that never changes.

    When I was going through my yoga teacher training, I came across this idea in Nicolai Bachman’s The Path of the Yoga Sutras, and my heart skipped a beat. Meditate on the part of you that never changes.

    This meant the part of me that stayed the same whether I got a good grade, or I failed a test. The part of me that will stay the same whether I win an award, or I’m housebound with agoraphobia.

    As I meditated on this idea, I came to realize that the part of me that never changes is pure love. There is a space of infinite love, peace, and understanding that has been with me all along.

    Chasing validation of my worth through outside, visible accomplishments had only served to take me further away from the fact that I am love. Achievements don’t change, and never will change, who I am at my core.

    4. Practice unconditional self-love.

    A light bulb went off in my head while I was playing with my dog recently. I love that little rascal inside and out, and he doesn’t have to do a single thing to deserve it or be worthy of my love.

    It’s the same with babies. Babies don’t try to prove themselves to you. They don’t have to accomplish something in order for you to love them. You love them unconditionally simply because they exist.

    What if you didn’t have to do anything or prove anything to be worthy of your own love? What if you deserved your own unconditional love, just like you give to your pets or to your children?

    Practice extending unconditional love to yourself by forgiving yourself when you’re not perfect, and recognizing that you deserve love no matter what you achieve.

    Letting go of perfectionism and the need to base our worth on external validation is a continual process. But, with time, we can begin to shed our layers of conditioning that taught us we are not worthy, and see ourselves for the beautifully deserving beings we are.

  • 5 Ways to Find Peace: Life Lessons from an 8th Grade Teacher

    5 Ways to Find Peace: Life Lessons from an 8th Grade Teacher

    Chalkboard meditation drawing

    “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Good Morning, and welcome to 8th grade History with Mr. Bacchus. The first thing I need everyone to do is to take out your class schedule and make sure that it says Mr. Bacchus for this period. Is there anyone who doesn’t have my name on their schedule?

    No? We sure? Great!!

    Now I need each one of you to take a moment and thank whoever you believe in, the powers that be, or even the magic genie that granted you this wish, because you’re one of the few lucky enough to be in my history class this year.

    Why lucky?

    Because there is going to be a day when you don’t feel like getting out of the bed, but you will remember that you have Mr. Bacchus today and you will be up before the alarm goes off.

    One day, your boyfriend or girlfriend will break up with you in the middle of the hallway, and the news will quickly spread via social networking. But when your friend asks you if you’re okay, you’ll simply smile and say,

    “I have Mr. Bacchus today.”

    I couldn’t make this up if I tried. A student fell in gym class and broke his leg one year. It was an awful injury, and he was seriously hurt but refused to go to the hospital. He said it wasn’t that bad. He had Mr. Bacchus next period.

    This has become my first-day-of-school opening monologue as an 8th grade teacher. It’s a nice way to break the ice. I say these words with a sense of confidence. A sense of purpose and joy comes over me the second I begin this inaugural address to my students.

    And it lasts throughout the school year.

    My class has often felt like a beautiful symphony (and I was the highly acclaimed maestro), but in the midst of my father falling back into addiction and my ex-girlfriend moving across the country with her new fiancé, it seemed as if I couldn’t play chopsticks in my personal life.

    My father has always struggled with addiction, but this was the first time I had to face it as an adult. This time around I knew exactly why he wasn’t answering my calls, why he was asking to borrow money, and why he was nowhere to be found for weeks at a time.

    Likewise, it wasn’t the first time my ex and I had called it quits either. But somehow the news of her impending move across the country with her new boyfriend—two months after our most recent breakup—had a sense of finality to it. The curtain was officially closed once I got word of their engagement.

    So I began going to counseling in hopes of finding my way, and one day my counselor asked me if I could “live like I teach.” Could I take some of the things that allow me to be at peace while teaching and apply them to my life?

    This is what I came up with.

    1. Be yourself.

    As a new teacher, you’re told not to crack a smile and to be extremely strict at the beginning of the school year. This will help you “set the tone” for the school year and show your students who is “the boss.”

    The problem is that I smile all the time!

    So as I tried to fight my smile with the students, they often fought against me. Whether it was Ashley throwing pencils at me or Shailia composing an essay titled “Mr. Bacchus, the Worst Teacher Ever,” my students weren’t responding well to the person I was trying to be.

    Once I finally gave up that lousy advice and started smiling, joking, and being myself from the beginning, my relationships with my students began to improve.

    It was a light bulb moment. Improving my relationship with my students made me realize that I have to be my genuine self in real life too. I can’t be who I think I’m supposed to be—I have to just be me.

    2. Don’t hold too tightly to plans.

    The projector isn’t working.

    The video won’t load!

    The copier is down!!

    FIRE!!!!

    These things can happen at any given moment, and the best laid lesson plans need to be adjusted. I plan every week but know that it’s just a blueprint of how I would like things to go.

    Once you arrive to school and realize the wifi isn’t working, you have two choices: You could continue forward with your lesson hoping the wifi genie magically shows up and the website you were going to use will somehow work, or you can change your plans.

    Learning to be fluid with my plans allows my classroom to flow with a certain ease. If I want that same ease in my personal life, then I have to understand that the Universe has a way of turning our plans upside down too. I need to be able to adapt and adjust just like I do when little Johnny throws up in the middle of the classroom during third period.

    3. Don’t get stuck on the negative.

    I planned what I believed would be an awesome lesson incorporating a Nas rap song into our coverage of Ancient African Empires.

    As I could barely contain my excitement, one of my students couldn’t seem to care less. He made unrelated comments, disturbed others, and left me feeling like the lesson was a complete failure.

    Later that afternoon, a group of students were leaving the school singing the song I used in the lesson. I inquired about the song choice, and they said how much they enjoyed it and thought it was cool how I tied it in.

    Here I was basing my perspective on one person while ignoring the reactions of the other thirty students in my classroom. How often in life do we only focus on the negative aspect and fail to notice the good all around us?

    We can always find the bad in our life experiences, or we can choose to find the good. I try and find the good every day. The entries in my daily gratitude log help me to focus on the daily good, like the students that remembered the song, not the one who didn’t.

    4. Each day is new.

    My first two years of teaching inundated my life with stories about something one of my students did, said, etc. I couldn’t wait to run and tell family and friends about my adventures as a teacher.

    As time passed, those stories became less and less unique, and I found myself looking at the days and the students as the same old blur. I had seen it all. The students, lessons, and days were starting to become a haze of gray.

    My friends and family would ask for new stories, and I had nothing. “It’s going” became my simple response to the question “How is teaching?”

    The reality is that each year I get different students, who will do different things, during each day of the year, every period of the day.

    I have to be aware of how much beauty and joy lies in that variety and appreciate the newness of it all, or else I will become like so many teachers who have lost their excitement for what they do.

    I try my best to see the newness of each student and each class every day because I don’t want to lose my passion for teaching.

    I also don’t want to lose my passion for life. I’m now starting to see that I have to find the newness of each moment in each day so that “it’s going” doesn’t become my answer to “How’s life?”

    5. It’s okay to laugh.

    Theodore Roosevelt set up the National Park System so that he could conserve the National Booty of America. Yeah, you read that right. I said National Booty instead of National Beauty. The kids laughed hysterically and I cracked up laughing too.

    The truth is, school is funny.

    There are too many moments that deserve a good laugh during the course of a school day. I can deny it or I can let out one of the few things guaranteed to increase my mood. I have chosen to increase my health and vitality by laughing in school.

    And also in life. Because just like the classroom, there are so many funny things to laugh at in this world! To deny laughter would be to deny one of the basic parts of pleasures in life.

    Three years ago I was blessed to receive the “Teacher as a Hero” award from the National Liberty Museum. I would have never thought the things that made me a “Teacher as a Hero” award winner would also help me to emerge from one of the toughest times in my life a better person.

    All I had to do was start living like I teach.

  • Are You Showing Up in the World as Your Best Self?

    Are You Showing Up in the World as Your Best Self?

    Happy handsome man smiling on the beach

    “Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” ~Robert Kennedy

    Many years ago, I had the opportunity to take a yoga class at San Quentin State Prison in Northern California.

    I had visited the prison before, attending other classes, with inmates, on anger management and a class based on Bryon Katie’s The Work, but this was my first yoga class.

    It was an evening class, which made the prison seem that much more foreboding, and the class was full of lifers. The inmates in that room had committed very serious crimes. Most would never again see outside the prison’s walls.

    A man sat down on the mat next to mine and immediately struck up a conversation.

    He shared with me that the class had changed him in ways he hadn’t anticipated, that the yoga and mindfulness practice was helping him see the oneness in the world, and the invisible connections between all of us.

    He had also begun to realize the damage he had caused by taking a life, not just to himself and the victim, but to his family, his community, and that of the victim’s. The circle of people affected by the violent act and its outcome was ever-widening. He had been in prison for years but had never really considered all of that before starting his yoga practice.

    He said that what he had done was like throwing a pebble in a pond that causes ripples, only, he said, his was like tossing a brick in, and the ripples became destructive, monster-size waves.

    That man will never again see the outside of the prison walls, yet he is taking significant steps to show up a better person and make a difference.

    He is starting with himself.

    When you take steps toward becoming your best self, no matter what you’ve done or how you’ve felt in the past, it is essential to walk your talk, while recognizing that even a tiptoe makes ripples.

    How, you may ask, can you become your most authentic version of yourself? How can you live your values?

    Start to imagine tiny ways that you can make a difference in your community, and then translate those thoughts into actions.

    For example, if you love your neighborhood, support local businesses. If you love the Earth, recycle and compost. When you travel, look into staying at hotels and participating in activities that are both eco and socially aligned. Those are easy choices that help you feel (and be!) aligned with your values.

    Of course there will be days where you trip, and sometimes fall and scrape your knee (or just your ego), but if you do your best, your best keeps getting better!

    Your next step after a fall: Brush yourself off and examine what happened and why, then continue on the path with this new knowledge. Each time, it gets a little easier.

    Every choice we make makes a difference.

    In contrast to the lifer whose body was literally imprisoned, I knew another person whose mind it seemed was figuratively trapped. He once told me that nothing he did had any effect on anyone or anything else in the world. My heart sank—for him, and for all of us.

    The truth is, every tiny thing we do leads somewhere. Social change of any kind starts with the individual, with our thoughts, words, and actions.

    What we do and how we choose to be present in the world impacts not only our own lives, but the entire global community. The interconnections of every living being are infinite and continuously unfolding.

    From inside of the tall, unyielding prison walls, lined with razor wire and lookout posts with armed guards, the lifer I met in that yoga class was choosing to show up, contribute, and make a difference.

    He recognized that while he was only one person and had severe limitations imposed on him, he could still create positive ripples. His actions translated into a better, more mindful life for himself and those with whom he came into contact.

    We Generate Positive Ripples by Living Authentically

    This event took place nearly a decade now, but to this day, his story has stayed with me, continuing to generate positive ripples in my own life. On the person I choose to be. On the way I choose to show up in the world. On the choices I make, the words I speak and the actions I take.

    Over the years, I have learned that it takes so much more oomph to get through the day when I’m not living authentically compared to when I am.

    Inauthentic living is draining and depleting. By showing up as the most genuine version of myself, I have so much more energy, time, and space to do more in the world, creating positive ripples near and far.

    Whenever and wherever we touch the water—we toss a feather, or a pebble or a boulder, negative or positive—the ripples and waves travel as far as the eye can see (and then keep going).

    What’s most important to you? How do you reflect that through your daily thoughts, words, and actions? How do you show up in the world…what ripples are you creating?

    How do you start living authentically and create more positive ripples?

    First, define your core values. How do they show up in your daily life? How are you living them and/or not living them?

    Next, be present where you are. Each step you take on the path will bring your values more into light.

    Lastly, continue on the path, even when you fall.

    It may not happen overnight, but eventually, your values will equal your words and your actions. You will also recognize your missteps much faster as you live more authentically. You’ll then be able to correct them and continue on the path, creating more positive ripples.

  • Why We Need to Stop Judging Our Feelings

    Why We Need to Stop Judging Our Feelings

    Sad woman

    “Your emotions are meant to fluctuate, just like your blood pressure is meant to fluctuate. It’s a system that’s supposed to move back and forth, between happy and unhappy. That’s how the system guides you through the world.” ~Daniel Gilbert

    As a highly sensitive person I experience emotions very deeply, though it’s not usually obvious to others that I’m having such strong internal reactions.

    For those not familiar with this trait, high sensitivity is not a defect or a personality flaw; it simply means that you experience sensory and emotional input more strongly than non-sensitive people.

    Of course, this is not to say that humans are really that bipolar in terms of their emotional and physical experiences; sensitivity is a spectrum, and I’ve found myself leaning to the more sensitive side.

    High sensitivity has wonderful benefits: it facilitates deep insightfulness, fosters a drive for authenticity and creative expression, and enriches the sensory experiences of life. It’s a double-edged sword, however, because just as the positive aspects are magnified, so too are the negative aspects.

    Just like with most aspects of life, this is a delicate balancing act, because it can be difficult not to become overwhelmed by emotion, whether positive or negative.

    Embodying this trait throughout my life has been a challenge: I’m always super aware of my environment (both external and internal), and processing that information on a deep level pretty much all the time.

    This causes me to have a preference for quiet environments (yet I live in New York City!), and also to need lots of alone time to recharge. This is not to say I’m a hermit or that I hate people; quite the contrary: I crave authentic connection and love engaging deeply with others.

    It’s been crucial to learn to accept this trait, to pinpoint my needs without feeling guilty for them, and to have the courage to express those needs to my loved ones.

    One of the most beneficial things I’ve been learning is the importance of non-judgment. For every high there is a low, and the only thing making a low “bad” is that we judge it as so.

    Everyone experiences a full range of emotions, and a highly sensitive person will feel it even more intensely. However, fluctuating emotions are part of life. They’re not something to be avoided at all costs, as I believed I should be able to do in order to achieve an imagined and unattainable level of perfection, which didn’t include messy emotions that only get in the way.

    When I feel “negative” emotions such as anxiety, anger, and sadness, I berate myself for succumbing to such “bad” feelings and feel the need to make them go away as soon as possible. Needless to say, this reaction does little to alleviate the distress caused by these emotions, and usually only exacerbates them.

    What I’ve realized is that it isn’t the emotions themselves causing me to suffer—it’s my judgment of those emotions and my desire to rid myself of them.

    When I am unable to make the feelings go away, it feeds my anxiety and I retreat even deeper into myself instead of allowing the emotional wave to pass and expressing my feelings to others.

    Judgments are thoughts about emotions. Emotions are simply fleeting currents that come and go and provide a compass for us to fully feel and address whatever issues may be under the surface.

    Though thoughts and emotions are related, they’re different things, and we can learn to manage both of those experiences.

    In order to do this, I practice mindfulness exercises in which I simply allow my thoughts to stream and recognize that these thoughts don’t define me unless I give them that power; I’m the one in control of my experiences.

    I also allow myself to fully feel my emotion, without judgment, sometimes naming them as they pop up if that helps.

    Self-understanding and a connection with our intuition are essential for strengthening our emotional intelligence, and this is an instance in which high sensitivity is a major benefit, because it’s highly conducive to deep introspection.

    I continually practice being mindful of my thoughts and how they cause emotions so that I can catch any spirals before they snowball.

    This act alone has had tremendous benefits for my overall well-being, as well as my ability to manage, and most importantly, accept, all the emotions that come with being human.

    A recent experience of unrequited love has demonstrated to me how far I’ve come in terms of riding the emotional waves without added layers of judgment and criticism.

    At my gym, I met a very attractive man with beautiful chin-length blond hair, deep expressive blue eyes, and a sweet disposition.

    I developed a little crush and tried my hardest to be more open, but also to accept that I do get shy and I’m slow to warm up to new people.

    I didn’t judge myself negatively for it, but rather was proud of myself for my efforts to maintain eye contact, smile, and initiate conversation.

    Unfortunately, as I was beginning to think the feeling might be mutual and trying to work up the courage to ask for a date, I saw him with another girl who frequents the same gym. It was obvious they had something going on.

    Although it felt like I had been punched hard in the gut to see them together, in the past a situation like this would have also made me spiral into a deep hole of self-hatred. I would have criticized myself for being too shy, for failing, for missing an opportunity, and for allowing another woman to snatch up my crush.

    These thoughts would then fuel intense regret, anxiety, fear, despair, and anger—which are emotions in response to thoughts, not in response to the actual situation. Then I’d criticize myself for allowing these feelings to get so out of control, and the vicious cycle would progress ad infinitum.

    But that isn’t what happened this time.

    Instead, I allowed myself to completely feel every emotion that came with this experience, not with thoughts about the experience.

    A twinge of sadness, a pang of despair, loneliness, frustration, jealousy, defeat, embarrassment, desire, anxiety, lust, and anger all passed through me in waves every time I saw them together or felt how much I still liked him and wished I could have had a chance with him.

    Without the layer of judgmental thoughts, these feelings became manageable. I’ve also developed a sense of gratitude for all the things I feel, because this is what it means to be human, and vulnerability is a beautiful thing that can connect us directly with our inner selves.

    We hurt because we love, so hurt is a sign that you’ve let love in.

    I’ve used this experience to learn more about myself, and I’m thankful that it can help facilitate my continued emotional intelligence training.

    As I began to praise myself for my efforts rather than only criticizing myself for failing and letting my emotions consume me, I began to cultivate self-love as well. Since love for others stems from love for self, I found that this not only diminished anger toward myself, but naturally flows outward to others.

    Compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves, and high sensitivity facilitates this process.

    I’ve also learned that how we react to events is far more important than what actually happens to us.

    Unrequited love is usually seen as a negative thing, and it truly does hurt, but it’s also a window to deeper understanding and compassion. For that reason, I’m grateful to have had this experience, even though it’s painful.

    Pain has a purpose. It shines light on the most important issues we must face, as well as our biggest opportunities for growth and learning. True, my crush doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, but I still have a loving family, I still love myself, and I love being alive to have all these experiences.

    When I think about it like this, I’m grateful, and I’ve learned to love myself throughout all the fleeting emotional experiences that ultimately don’t define me anyway.

    We just have to ride the waves and recognize that our thoughts are not always an accurate depiction of reality, our emotions are fleeting, and it’s completely okay to feel the entire spectrum of them.

    We are human, and as the perfectly imperfect beings that we are, feeling the spectrum is what we are here to do.

  • 5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    “Feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Breathing techniques are now such an important part of my daily routine. I couldn’t think of starting a day without doing my breathing exercises.

    I usually combine these with my morning meditation, which, through sheer perseverance, I have made into a habit and have been doing for the last few years.

    Almost everywhere you look, you can find stress—at work, at home, on the road. It’s hard to avoid it and even harder to not get sucked in.

    I used to let stress get the better of me on a daily basis through an incredibly stressful and demanding job. That was until I realized the dangerous effects it was having on my body.

    I worked in video production as a producer, where there was a new type of stress every single day.

    There were so many cogs that all had to fall perfectly into place for the production to move ahead, not to mention the number of people who would depend and rely on me. The deadlines were tight, and to make sure that every stage of production was complete, I often had to work long hours.

    This was an incredibly stress-inducing job, and so often I felt myself getting overtired and angry due to the workload.

    Stress can make it near enough impossible to control your emotions. I found the more stressed I became, the more irrational I would become.

    Stress is also strongly linked to diseases, and chronic stress can give these conditions the green light to flood your body. Stress has been linked to cancer, lung disease, fatal accidents, suicide, and cirrhosis of the liver.

    Not to mention that stress can make you gain weight, look older, and ruin your relationships.

    After understanding that I was a very stressed person, often attracting stressful situations into my life, I decided to learn stress-combating techniques.

    The best methods I discovered were various breathing techniques. They’re quick to do and have amazing results.

    Now, if I ever feel myself getting stressed or am about to enter a stressful situation, I simply stop for a moment and use one of my breathing techniques. This instantly calms me down and has an immediate effect on my state of mind, allowing me to think clearly and rationally.

    Breathing is used in meditation as a method to relax the body fully and achieve a clear state of mind. We are extremely lucky that such a powerful tool, like breathing, is something that we can regulate and control ourselves.

    Practicing breathing techniques will not only give you beneficial life tools, but they are also a great starting point for your meditation journey.

    The techniques I have shared are simple and easy to learn. Some will bring calm and inner peace, while others can be used to kick-start your mental awareness and vital energy.

    Abdominal Breathing

    Abdominal breathing slows your entire body down; your heart rate and blood pressure reduce with each controlled deep breath you take.

    Your aim during this technique is to focus on your diaphragm, not your chest, as you breathe.

    To begin, place one hand on the chest and the other on the belly.

    Breathe in through your nose enough for your diaphragm to inflate with enough air to produce a stretch in your lungs. Then exhale slowly.

    Make sure each breath is deep and steady.

    Repeat this technique with seven to ten breaths per minute for ten minutes.

    Alternate Nostril Breathing (aka Nadi Shodhana)

    This technique will unite both sides of your brain while bringing calm and balance.

    To begin, sit in a comfortable meditative pose; this can be on the floor, on a chair, or on a sofa, wherever is most comfortable for you.

    Now, hold your right nostril down with your thumb or one of your fingers on your right hand. Breathe in deeply through your left nostril.

    When you’re at the peak of inhalation, let go of your right nostril and cover the left. Then, exhale through the right nostril. Continue with this technique for as long as needed until you feel calm and focused.

    Because this method connects your brain on a deep level, you shouldn’t practice this technique before going to bed.

    Instead, if you need to prepare for a big presentation or a difficult job interview, or you’re in any kind of nervous situation, take a few minutes practicing alternate nostril breathing to calm yourself. Doing this will help quiet your mind so that you can be the best version of yourself without having to worry about the nerves!

    Not only will you experience calm and balance, but you will also feel focused and super energized.

    Relaxing Breath (aka “4-7-8”)

    This technique is used to completely relax the body and nervous system. It can be used in many different scenarios—when you feel internal tension, when something upsetting happens, or simply to help you relax before sleep.

    Before you begin this technique, ensure you are sitting comfortably with your back as straight as possible.

    Place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth where they meet the gum ridge. You will need to keep your tongue here for the duration of the technique.

    Start by exhaling fully. Usually, because of where your tongue is placed, this would make a natural “whoosh” sound.

    Inhale quietly for a count of four. Once reached, hold your breath here for a count of seven and then exhale fully for a count of eight. This is one full breath. You should aim to do four or five full breaths each time you practice this technique.

    Stillness in Breath

    If you are able to focus on your breath for long periods of time, then this technique is for you.

    This breathing awareness variation doesn’t involve any counting, merely observing.

    To begin, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breathing pattern.

    Once you have settled into the process of observing your natural breathing rhythm, turn your awareness to the point at which the breath switches from inhalation to exhalation. Then observe as it changes from exhalation to inhalation. Notice that there is a gap, or still pause, between the breaths.

    If you find that your mind wanders during this variation, simply keep guiding your attention back to this still pause between each stage of breath. The more you practice this technique, the more it becomes a continuous experience in which you will find peace.

    Stimulating Breath (aka Bellows Breath)

    Bellows Breath is used to invigorate your senses and sharpen your mind. If practiced well, you will raise your vital energy and feel an increased level of alertness.

    To begin, sit comfortably. You don’t need to be in a certain position or sit anywhere in particular for this technique.

    Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose. Try to keep your mouth shut and as relaxed as possible. Aim to keep your inhales and exhales equal in duration but as reduced as possible.

    For beginners, you should start by practicing this technique for a maximum of fifteen seconds. As you become more comfortable, you can increase this time by five seconds each time you practice until you reach a full minute.

    Like alternate nostril breathing, this technique connects with your mind on a deep level and shouldn’t be used before you go to sleep.

    Next time you feel like you need an energy boost, instead of reaching for caffeine, try this technique and see how invigorated you feel afterwards!

    —

    By practicing breathing meditation for ten to fifteen minutes a day, you will be able to reduce your stress and anxiety levels significantly. You’ll start to experience calmness of the mind, the turbulence of day-to-day worries will simply fall away, and feelings of happiness and fulfillment will rise from within.

  • The Mevii App: Support for Anxiety and Moderate Depression

    The Mevii App: Support for Anxiety and Moderate Depression

    Peaceful meditating man

    As someone who’s struggled with depression and anxiety, who runs a website that recommends tools and practices for peace and happiness, I was excited to learn about the Mevii app a couple months ago.

    I’m even more excited to offer 500 readers a chance to try the app for free. But first…

    What Is Mevii?

    Mevii can help you manage your emotions, build coping skills, reduce stress, and feel better day-to-day, using strategies rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy.

    At the heart of cognitive behavioral therapy is the idea that your thoughts and actions affect your feelings—whether it’s a fleeting emotion or a longer lasting mood.

    I first learned about this concept in therapy, at twelve years old. It seems so obvious now, but as a child I had no idea I could change my feelings by taking a closer look at the thoughts that preceded them.

    I also didn’t have anything more than a notebook and pen to do this inner work—and I often wished I had my therapist on speed dial so she could help me recognize and change my unhealthy patterns between my bi-weekly appointments.

    I think we could all benefit from this kind of ongoing support and guidance, especially when doing something as challenging as changing deeply ingrained habits.

    Although that’s not an affordable option for most of us, fortunately, there’s an app for that.

    If you’re feeling overwhelmed, dejected, anxious, and out of control, Mevii can help you identify and tackle the root causes to find a sense of peace, calm, and balance in your daily life.

    Mevii Screenshot 1

    How Does Mevii Work?

    The app includes six modules, designed to be completed in order, one per week, allowing you to:

    • Identify and manage your stress triggers
    • Record your thoughts, feelings, barriers, and accomplishments
    • Learn techniques to help you relax throughout your day
    • Improve your health habits
    • Identify and reframe negative thoughts
    • Improve the quality of your connections
    • Set goals to maintain your well-being

    Most important, it’s highly personalized, offering you a customized plan based on your answers to questions about your current feelings, thought processes, and behaviors.

    I’ve seen a lot of tools to combat stress, anxiety, and moderate depression, but none quite as comprehensive as Mevii. I highly recommend the app to anyone who’s looking to develop practical skills to manage their mood.

    Mevii Screenshot 2

    What’s Required to Use Mevii?

    Mevii is designed for smartphones, specifically iPhones and Android.

    Supported devices include: iPhone 6 Plus, iPhone 6, iPhone 5s, iPhone 5, iPhone 4S, iPhone 4, iPod Touch, and Android 2.1 and up.

    How Can You Try It for Free?

    Ordinarily, Mevii costs $3.99, but it’s available for free to the first 500 people (in the US only) who claim it here: https://www.mevii.com/partners/?c=ITBB16

    Please note that by claiming your free download, you’re agreeing to receive occasional emails from Mevii with questions to help them improve the app.

    —

    Have you already tried the Mevii app? If so, how has the experience been for you? Has it helped you reduce stress and manage your emotions?

    *None of the tools or practices recommended on Tiny Buddha should be considered alternatives to professional help. If you’re feeling hopeless because nothing seems to work, please consult a qualified professional. If you are currently taking medication, please consult your doctor before considering going off it. 

    FTC disclosure: I received free access to Mevii in order to try and review the app, and compensation for this post—though I only share products and services that I love and can enthusiastically recommend!

  • How to Enjoy Your Days More: 4 Ways to Live Life to the Fullest

    How to Enjoy Your Days More: 4 Ways to Live Life to the Fullest

    “It wasn’t until I slowed the car and rolled down the windows that I realized I spend most of my days driving ‘through’ life without driving ‘in’ life. So, I’ve decided to walk because the pace is slower and the windows are always down.” ~Craig D. Lounsbrough

    Voices—they’re everywhere. As soon as I wake up, I can feel the stress of keeping up with their demands. As soon as I look at my smartphone, I am overwhelmed with all the notifications “needing” attention. They seem to pull me in every direction and keep me dodging here and there, attempting to keep up with all the differing opinions, unnecessary tasks, and media.

    The sound of the voices seems to echo throughout every part of our lives. Calling to us from our Snapchat notifications, our workplace newsletters, and our family reunions. Wherever we go, distractions and other people’s opinions shout for our attention.

    We desperately try to keep up with the influx of media, news, responsibilities, and social events, but we often find ourselves too worn out to really enjoy any of the aspects of our lives. Everything seems bland and dull, like an endless mill of things to do and ponder that we aimlessly run to keep up with, much like a hamster on a wheel.

    So how can we truly relish the fullness of life?

    1. Say “no” to unnecessary activities and busyness.

    It’s hard for us to really experience and enjoy life when we are so busy running from place to place taking care of extra work or someone else’s duties. We hardly even have time to realize what we are doing much less to fully live in each moment.

    Instead, we brush the surface of precious moments that we pass through instead of diving in and immersing ourselves in the embrace of a partner, the warmth of the sunshine, and the taste of home-baked cookies. We simply don’t have time to experience the essence of what makes life good when we say “yes” to unnecessary responsibilities.

    Part of the problem is that we simply have far too much to do. We need to learn to say “no” sometimes to the extra burdens our work, friends, or even family members beg us to take care of.

    Don’t say “yes” to an added responsibility when you already feel too busy. Sure, your friend might be disappointed, but if she is really your friend, she will eventually understand that her problems aren’t yours to solve. Learn to politely but firmly decline from taking on too many tasks.

    As a recovering perfectionist, I have a hard time saying “no” to tasks I know I could do well. This past year I’ve had to learn that I can’t do everything.

    I’m getting married in the winter and beginning graduate school, so I have a lot on my plate. But, when people ask me if I could play my violin for their wedding or church service, I have had to weigh which events are priority and which ones I simply don’t have time for. For instance, saying “yes” to helping with a close friend’s surprise wedding this summer versus getting paid to play my violin at a stranger’s wedding.

    I’ve even had to decide which social events I really have the time, energy, and desire to go to versus the ones that sound too stressful or that simply don’t fit into my schedule. In short, I have had to learn to say “no” to unnecessary activities, even if my decision might disappoint someone. Only by avoiding extra busyness have I begun to truly experience and live in each moment.

    2. Minimize your exposure to media.

    Media is everywhere around us in today’s society. From television to smartphones to iPads, we are constantly flooded with media. In fact, we often get so distracted by media that we feel like we have to check Instagram every five minutes and we have to watch the news every morning and we have to post one more tweet on Twitter.

    The media saturation can cause us to be distracted from our work, family, and hobbies. Just recently, I noticed that even though I see my fiancé only on weekends I was scrolling through Instagram more than I actually conversed with him. I was too busy taking creative pictures and reviewing the likes and comments on my posts.

    Every time I had a free moment, I would feel the urge to check my phone. In fact, I would sometimes find myself sitting next to my fiancé on the couch, blankly scrolling through Instagram instead of engaging in real, deep conversations. As a result, I uninstalled Instagram.

    Almost instantly, I noticed a change. I didn’t feel like I had to check my phone all the time. I felt more attached to my partner and looked forward to spending time talking with him. I was less superficial and less worried about how I looked.

    Furthermore, I became interested in my old hobbies like writing poetry and reading, now that I was less distracted with social media. I miraculously looked forward to work and what I could accomplish each day. Clearly, we need to avoid becoming distracted by media, so we can more fully experience life.

    3. Take time to do the things you love.

    Many times, we think that as adults, we should outgrow hobbies and live in the routine of work and household responsibilities. While adult life does include many more necessary duties, we should not let our daily tasks keep us from occasionally taking time out to do the things we love.

    Remember what you used to do in your free time? Take a minute to read a chapter of your favorite book, to go birding at your local park, or ride your bicycle downtown. Sure, you might not be able to do it very often, but don’t let the busyness of life keep you from doing the things that bring that extra sparkle of life to your eyes. Just because you’re a busy adult doesn’t mean you should never have a little fun or relish doing something just for the enjoyment of it.

    For me, that meant sitting down to write this article. Or, going to the library and finding a couple of good books to read. Or, writing a few quirky poems to add to my poetry collection. Without realizing it, I had allowed myself to be so busy that I had stopped doing the things that I loved, and I just kept chasing after the things I had to do without ever coming to the end of them.

    There will always be more necessary activities to do in life. But, your hobbies are part of what make you uniquely “you.” Learn to take time to cherish those activities and to experience the joy they give you. The constant grind of work and home duties can grind a person’s spirit into the dust. But, pausing to do something you love can help bring vibrancy and vitality back int your life.

    4. Be authentic to your beliefs and values, even if it goes against popular beliefs or the opinions of those close to you.

    Letting other people’s opinions control our lives can squelch our creativity and joy in life. Constantly worrying about what other people think is draining and keeps us from experiencing life fully and genuinely. We are always uneasy when we are pretending to be what we are not, and we are always dissatisfied when we are living in a way we would not live unless society told us we should live that way.

    I was lucky to grow up in a wonderful, loving home that nurtured and grew me. However, when I started college, I realized that I had absorbed so much of what my family, community, and society believed that I needed to figure out what I really felt and thought to see if it was the same.

    I had to sort through what I did because I’d always done it that way and what I did because I believed it should be done that way. I had to discover what I felt about social issues because I’d absorbed what society taught me and what I felt about injustices because that’s what I’d discovered to be true.

    I had to decide whether it was more authentic for me to continue my career as a musician because I’d played violin since I was a toddler, or if my talents and life experience led me to explore a different field of study like writing and library science.

    The people around me didn’t all support my career change. Some even challenged me because they thought it was a waste of talent and that I was “too smart” to be a librarian. At times like this, I’ve had to consider my choices and decide to stand up for myself, even if others didn’t agree with me.

    Other times, I’ve had to reconsider my choices and beliefs again and have discovered new, even more fulfilling truths. In either case, I’m learning to be genuine and make decisions that I believe support my convictions and who I am, instead of living to please other people.

    Living life genuinely gives us the freedom to be authentic. We can make decisions logically and emotionally from the values that we hold to be true, and thus we can be fully content with our decisions.

    We do not need to pretend in order to make more friends or please our family. If our friends truly love who we really are, they will accept us and all our idiosyncrasies without us having to put on a façade.

    In the same way, we need to put up boundaries with our families and disconnect ourselves a healthy distance from family dictums, so that we can discover for ourselves what we really believe, how we really want to live, and what we really want to accomplish in life.

    We need to learn to make decisions because we think they are right, not because that’s how everyone else does it, because that is what is acceptable to society, or because that is how our families did things. Only when we can stay authentic to our own values and beliefs can we truly feel satisfied and live life to the fullest.

    With so many distractions and opinions surrounding us every day, it can be difficult to be fully present and truly experience each moment of our lives. But, if we say “no” to extra duties, if we reduce our time distracted by media, if we take time to do the things we love, and if we stay true to our own values and beliefs, we will find ourselves enjoying more of our days.

  • 6 Ways Gratitude Can Improve Your Life and Make You Happier

    6 Ways Gratitude Can Improve Your Life and Make You Happier

    Girl with heart

    “I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.” ~Brené Brown

    For the longest time I sought after happiness in the wrong place, and I wasn’t always leading with my heart to obtain joy.

    I used to picture myself living in a big house, with nice things to furnish and fill the fantasy home I dreamed of.

    I didn’t obtain this large dream home, and I’ve learned that it’s not important, nor is it what I want. I’ve been fortunate to live in a moderate home with exactly the things I need, and more—a happy, healthy, loving family.

    Prior to gaining the wisdom of wanting less, I spent a lot of money on material items, because, one, I thought I deserved it on a good day, because I was “celebrating,” or I worked too hard not to have it; two, I told myself I had to shop on a bad day, because I needed to cheer myself up; three, I shopped out of boredom; or four, I went shopping as a social activity.

    After collecting these possessions of “happiness,” I realized my life wasn’t totally fulfilling and satisfying.

    In fact, I eventually became short-tempered, overwhelmed, and stressed out. I was overwhelmed with the amount of maintenance these material things required, while caring for my family.

    My belongings took over my life, and, therefore, I lost myself underneath everything. I started to hate what I was becoming—someone who wasn’t consistently happy, and someone that lost track of what mattered most.

    My perspective on life changed when my daughter came into my world in 2014. A few months after her arrival, I made a change that has significantly changed me for the better and brought more happiness by

    Practicing Gratitude and Living Simply

    Being thankful for the essentials—appreciating what I already have—has allowed me to live more simply. It’s also revealed these benefits…

    1. You’re better able to be present.

    Being thankful reminds us of what we have to be grateful for in our current state, and that helps us be more present.

    I used to worry more about what I didn’t have and seemed to constantly strive for these things. That changed when I figured out how to be thankful for what I have and in the most important place—the present.

    There’s no better moment than the now. Practice gratitude to enable yourself to be entirely present.

    2. It boosts confidence.

    When you focus on appreciating what you have, you feel less concerned about what you lack, and that can help boost confidence.

    Now that I’m more accepting of myself and my life, I don’t compare myself to others and I take pride in paving my own path. It’s a great feeling to do things that are best for me and my family, without trying to please the rest of the world.

    3. Being thankful means less worry.

    Practicing gratitude helps lift away worry because you recognize and appreciate that you have enough.

    Knowing that I have the essentials brings me relaxation and eases my mind. I’m also more at peace because I don’t add things that aren’t valuable to my life in order to avoid the stress they carry.

    4. Gratitude improves your sleep.

    Recognizing our blessings and worrying less enables us to sleep better.

    It’s a rare event that I’m up tossing and turning because of stress or worry. If something is keeping you from falling asleep, think of a few thoughts that bring gratitude.

    5. It also improves relationships.

    Showing gratitude toward others goes a long way and creates better connections.

    I’m thankful for my family every day. They’re my favorite people and I love being with them. Prior to practicing daily gratitude, it was easiest to take frustrations out on them first. Why? Because I’m most comfortable expressing myself with them, and they put up with me and love me no matter what.

    Since I’m so thankful for my family, and because they love me without question, I’ve improved how I let anger out and make it a point to convey my love for them on a daily basis.

    I want to leave this world knowing that I tried to give people the best version of who I am, with the hope that they know how thankful I am for them. Being around inspirational and joyful souls is contagious, and I aspire to be this type of individual.

    6. Gratitude leads to generosity, which can be highly rewarding.

    Observing thankfulness helps us identify how fortunate we are, which naturally gives us the desire to give.

    I personally prefer not to give material things, as I don’t find it as rewarding as other forms of giving. Sure, it’s nice to give someone a gift they need, but I believe there is more value in giving time or helping a hand.

    Time is priceless, and these days it seems our schedules are packed to the max. People scurry from one place to another, and at the end of the day, they feel stressed and dissatisfied.

    I’ve discovered immense joy in donating my time or helping someone in need. It’s gratifying being able to help with something as small as holding a door open or as big as helping feed the hungry.

    Discover the benefits of giving by helping a friend, family, or the community.

    —

    Practicing gratitude has led me to greater happiness and a better me. The same can happen for you.

    Allow yourself to live simply and make life less complex, in as many ways possible; remove unneeded possessions, stop doing unimportant tasks, or say “no, thank you” to an activity that doesn’t fit in the schedule.

    Start each day with gratitude. There is always something to be thankful for—family, watching spring bloom, your favorite song, or feeling the warm sun on your face. And don’t forget to smile when thinking about these things; it’s a quick and easy way to fill your heart with gratitude and live in those extraordinary moments.

  • How to Feel Better When You’re Down (Without Forcing Yourself to Be Positive)

    How to Feel Better When You’re Down (Without Forcing Yourself to Be Positive)

    Woman with dark cloud

    “Forget the failures. Keep the lessons.” ~Dalai Lama

    The year had finally come. I’d officially entered the “adult” world after celebrating my thirtieth birthday.

    I’d enjoyed being in my twenties. It was an incredible time for self-growth and healing after growing up in an unstable environment with a narcissistic, alcoholic father, and also a time of living life fully, having fun, and going on adventures.

    I felt pretty happy…until I hit thirty.

    I began examining my life not so positively anymore.

    Health problems had become more frequent and scary, my career path was ominous, I had not settled into a place where I wanted to live, and the answer to the big question for women my age (“Are you married with kids?”) was a definite “no.” I felt like I had nothing to show for myself.

    So, I resorted to one companion that I had known for a long time: the negativity blanket.

    We all have our times with the negativity blanket. It’s not soft, warm, or big, but it’s so familiar.

    I used the negativity blanket as protection during the times when I had no safe haven, when I had no comfort, no one to hug me and tell me it was all going to be okay. In a way, it helped me cope with the difficult aspects of my life.

    In my twenties I’d learned how to let go of that blanket. I’d learned about discarding old habits that were no longer serving me, accepting situations, fostering a positive mindset, and trying to find solutions to problems without allowing negativity to hold me back.

    The time had come to get back to that mentality—but I had to do it without shaming myself for my natural feelings.

    It’s easy to feel guilty about not being positive all the time, but we’re only human. It’s okay to have low times, so long as we don’t let them consume us.

    Below are some ways to gently move from a place of persistent negativity to more positivity.

    Go through what you have to go through.

    We all experience difficult emotions. Own them. If we do not own our emotions, we feel shame for having them and it’s harder to see the issue in front of us clearly. It may even become suppressed or internalized.

    I felt a string of mixed emotions before I turned thirty. Mostly, I felt lost and insecure because of where I was in life in comparison to a large majority of my peers. These were totally natural emotions.

    By letting myself feel them, I was eventually able to move beyond them. As they say, the only way out is through.

    Realize your triggers.

    It’s always easier to deal with something if you know what you are dealing with. Breaking down a problem and identifying your fears, unknowns, and stressors gives more clarity into what you can change, face, or let go, as well as what challenges you might have in front of you.

    For example, my triggers were fears related to being financially stable and cared for, as well as having someone to care for in the future. Realizing what was bothering me helped guide me through finding solutions, such as re-directing my life goals and working on being patient.

    Find space.

    Begin to create space between you and issues. Creating space means that you are taking a step back from your emotions and taking a look at what you’re experiencing a little more objectively.

    I began to work on shedding the shame I was feeling as a result of the narrative that I was telling myself, that I had no accomplishments when I turned thirty. Instead, I found space in between my feelings by relinquishing control over them. I stopped trying to control my future by planning or worrying, and instead focused on my hopes and intentions.

    Be grateful.

    Gratitude is a powerful tool. It’s the first step to setting a good mindset. You don’t have to be grateful for anything related to your problem; it helps just to identify three things you’re grateful for each day.

    I became aware of more value in the life I was living and began cultivating gratitude toward that. I was grateful for the opportunity to move to a different state, for my friends back home and in my new one, and for having the privilege to work as an ecological restoration technician on some of the most beautiful natural areas, I would argue, on this planet.

    Reminding yourself to be grateful allows you to see some richness in your life, regardless of what you’re going through.

    Take the good with the bad.

    It’s not that bad things don’t happen to good people, but the way we handle our issues depends on our perspective. A feeling of personal empowerment emerges when you are able to accept the bad and enjoy the good in each situation.

    Even though I had not spent my former years settling down, when I look back I see that I traveled to different countries and states, worked an array of cool jobs in the natural resources industry, got involved in various hobbies and activities that I never thought I could even do, and so much more.

    Watch for opportunities.

    During this hard time, I began to find opportunities to better myself. I started fine tuning my skills in the various activities I pursued and refined my habits into more appropriate and healthy ones. I realized that I had an opportunity to grow into a better person, and in a better direction than ever before.

    It may just take time and patience to realize what may come out of a situation; after all, to quote Joni Mitchell, “Something’s lost, yet something is gained in living every day.”

    Build strength.

    Call on your courage and see how this can make you stronger.

    I was having a terrible time traveling solo internationally at one point in my life and was reciting my woes to a hostel roommate of mine, who happened to have more bad luck than I did. Her perspective was “Sometimes the more you go through, the more you know you are able to handle.” Believe that.

    Focus on the lesson.

    If you look at past issues, are there any lessons that were learned? Did you get through them and did you feel good about that? That may be one silver lining.

    During this time, I was again reminded of how my perspective influences how I work through issues and how much I enjoy life. That negativity blanket was not as useful in the big picture of things.

    It’s not possible or healthy to be positive PollyAnna all day. Tragic events, trauma, and drama happen, and we have to go through anything that life hands us. When I felt bad for feeling bad, I reminded myself to stop being so hard on myself. This allowed me to accept my challenges and to recognize the beauty in my life.

    It’s the little things we do to motivate and encourage ourselves that bring positivity to our inner world.

    Accept all the emotions that arise, and don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Instead, gently pull yourself out of it, just as you’d offer compassion and support to a friend. With your own motivation and encouragement, you’ll feel much stronger overall, and a lot more positive.

  • How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain

    How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain

    “If a person’s basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful physical experience.” ~The Dalai Lama

    When I finished graduate school I was a bright-eyed engineer with a fresh diploma in hand, ready to take on the world. I landed a great job at a multinational engineering firm and began my career working with people from all over the world.

    So it was a major downer when, not long into my new job, I began to suffer from chronic migraines. Every day I would wake up feeling fine, but within a few minutes I would feel so lightheaded I was convinced my head was going to float away.

    It wasn’t because of stress, though, just genetics. My mother, grandfather, and great-grandmother all had experienced similar issues with migraines.

    Lights. Noise. Crowds. Computer screens. They made me feel miserable.

    I was able to hide my symptoms pretty well from friends and coworkers, but I needed relief. My symptoms were not typical for migraines, so the doctors I saw couldn’t help much, and I didn’t have any luck with homeopathic remedies. My mother suggested I try meditation; it had helped her with her symptoms before.

    Meditation?

    Being an analytically inclined engineer, I was skeptical. To me, like many of us, meditation was something reserved for monks who wore funny robes and lived in the mountains, far away from the commutes and crowds and endless computer screens of the modern world that give the rest of us of headaches.

    But I didn’t have anything to lose.

    I started with one minute a day. And then two. And then five.

    The more I meditated, the better my symptoms became. There were setbacks, but in general my condition improved. After a couple of years, going to a bar or writing an email didn’t make my head feel like it was going to explode.

    I finally felt like my old self again.

    I wasn’t sure if the improvement was solely due to meditation, but my analytical mind wanted to know more about it, with the more facts and hard data the better. According to the studies I have come across, meditation can:

    1. Improve focus and memory

    A 2013 UC Santa Barbara study published in Psychological Science found that mindfulness training, including meditation, can improve our ability to focus on tasks at hand and recall details from memory.

    For those of us who have hectic jobs and find that our attention is constantly jumping from our mobile phone, to our desk phone, to our email inbox, to the person standing at our desk, or to the millions of other office distractions, a few minutes of quiet meditation in the morning can positively affect our critical thinking skills.

    2. Reduce stress and anxiety

    Research at Harvard Medical School found that meditation can physically change the brain’s amygdala, the portion of our brain related to stress and anxiety, and lower our levels of stress.

    This one might seem like a no-brainer (pun definitely intended); if we are quiet and still, we will be calmer. But for all of the skeptics out there, like myself, it’s reassuring to know that the anecdotal evidence of meditation reducing our stress levels now has physical changes to the brain as documented evidence to support it.

    3. Reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease

    A 2012 study published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes found that daily meditation can not only reduce stress, but can actually reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease as well.

    The patients in the study, all of whom had coronary heart disease, were divided into two groups: a control group, and a group that underwent a transcendental meditation program.

    Over the course of the multi-year study, the group that received the meditation training saw reductions in their blood pressures and stress levels, and had lower rates of heart attacks and strokes.

    Heart disease continues to be a global problem and could affect many of our lives as we age. But studies like these show that, in addition to the tools of modern medicine, we have one extra weapon in our arsenal to help improve our cardiovascular health.

    4. Boost our immune systems

    Another great benefit of meditation, at least according to a 2003 study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, is that it can improve our bodies’ ability to fight off disease and illness.

    During the study, a control group was compared with another group of participants who received meditation training. Afterward, the meditators were found to have a significantly higher number of antibodies in their blood compared to the control group, which help ward off disease.

    That means that regular meditation could help us get sick less often, giving us more time to have fun and be with our loved ones, instead of lying in bed and feeling miserable. Let’s remember that tip the next time flu season rolls around…

    5. Reduce physical pain

    According to a 2015 study by Wake Forest University published in the Journal of Neuroscience, meditation has the ability to reduce pain sensations in our bodies.

    During the study, patients who had undergone meditation and mindfulness training experienced less pain when exposed to hot surfaces than those who did not have similar meditation experience.

    This was also true for a group of “meditating” patients who had been given injections to chemically block their bodies’ natural production of opioids (i.e. our own internal painkillers), which kick in once we start to feel pain.

    The authors concluded that this has the potential to help mitigate chronic symptoms and reduce dependencies on prescription medicine, and that future work could help to determine the exact mechanism of how meditation alleviates pain.

    From my own experiences with daily migraines, I have full faith in the Wake Forest results. For anyone else suffering from pain, a few minutes a day could make all the difference.

    —

    Meditation is no longer a mystical practice hidden behind the walls of Tibetan monasteries. It is being studied by some of the most respected health organizations in the world, which are now able to use science to validate claims that have been around for thousands of years.

    The physical and neurological benefits that meditation can provide make it a valuable accompaniment to modern medicine for curing or alleviating health problems. If you have been suffering from stress, or pain, why not try meditation? It’s natural and free.

    A simple way to begin is to first find a comfortable seated position. Keep your eyes and body relaxed, and focus on your breath. Try not to fight all the thoughts and chitter chatter that run through your head. They’re normal.

    Just observe them and then focus on your breath again once they have passed. Like me, you can start with one minute and then have longer sessions as you begin to feel more comfortable meditating. The positive effects you start to experience from daily meditation might surprise you.

    What is there to lose?

  • Why Self-Help Shouldn’t Be About Trying to “Fix” Yourself

    Why Self-Help Shouldn’t Be About Trying to “Fix” Yourself

    “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” ~Steve Maraboli

    The other day I had some time to kill before a meeting, so I decided to go to one of my favorite places, Chapters Bookstore. When I walked in, I immediately headed toward the self-help section to pick up Brene Brown’s Rising Strong (great read, by the way).

    As I was searching for her book, I noticed an unusual number of people browsing the same shelves, searching for their self-help book of choice.

    Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. The desire to learn, grow, and be the best version of yourself is something that takes commitment, which I applaud.

    But, there was a time when going to the self-help section of the bookstore was done discreetly, not wanting others to think you needed that kind of help.

    There was this silent insinuation that something was wrong with you; you needed to be fixed because you were “working on yourself.”

    Now, with the personal growth movement in full effect, it’s widely accepted, with sales in self-help books soaring! Yet that silent insinuation has not quite fully left.

    Some who seek help increasing their confidence or decreasing self-doubt, or doing anything else for their own personal growth, believe that:

    • “I need fixing,”
    • “There really is something wrong with me,” or
    • “If I loved myself enough I would/would not (fill in the blank).”

    If you connect with what I’m saying, then I’m here to tell you that none of that is true! How do I know? I used to carry those same beliefs.

    So I ask you, why do you seek personal growth? Your answer will determine your outcome.

    I believe there are two motivators as to why people seek personal growth: love and fear.

    When you seek personal growth from a place of love, your relationship with yourself changes. No matter how many mistakes or wrong turns you feel you have made, you are willing to use those as learning opportunities, not as a reason to judge, criticize, or blame yourself.

    You acknowledge that you are doing the best you can with whatever life throws at you. You are there for yourself with acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. As a result, true growth happens.

    When you approach self-help from a place of fear, you believe that you or your life is lacking in some way. You hang on to the hope that if you just get the right self-help book, or sign up for that life-changing workshop, retreat, or program, that uncomfortable feeling will go away and all will be well again.

    If you hang on to this belief, that is not personal growth.

    This is looking outside of yourself for happiness, self-acceptance, or inner peace, or to bring security, guarantees, or the love you desire.

    It’s a temporary fix. It will continually leave you feeling unfilled and in a cycle of looking for the next best thing to fill you up, creating more fear within you because you are not getting the long-lasting results you want.

    I was in that cycle about six years ago. The end of a promising relationship left me heartbroken.

    I was about to turn forty, I wasn’t happy with where I was in my career, and I was struggling financially. Although grateful for my supportive family and friends, I knew it was all on me to do things differently. But I was feeling lost, empty inside, and unsure of myself, and I had no idea of my next steps.

    What I had envisioned for my life up until that point was definitely not where I had landed. This scared me. I felt alone most of the time. I felt like everything was falling down around me, and it jolted me to my core.

    It opened up insecurities I was unknowingly carrying, or thought I had resolved. My self-doubt was high, and I constantly second-guessed myself. But you would have never known it, because I was very good at putting on a mask to get through the day.

    I shed many tears. I prayed for help. I blamed. I was angry. I felt cheated.

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was the best place for me to be in. This emotional time in my life pushed me to challenge and redefine the type of relationship I had with myself, which ultimately impacted my relationship with life.

    A self-awareness journey had begun like never before in the midst of believing I needed fixing.

    My whole life I had always dabbled in personal growth, always having a curiosity about life, the purpose of it, wanting answers on how to find fulfillment. So I felt I was pretty well versed in spiritually and well-being.

    I would soon find out that this time would be different.

    I began to soak up all the information I could on the “how to’s” of personal growth and development, to help me get to a better place in relationship with myself.

    And it did help me—to a certain point.

    While I learned a lot from books, retreats, and online courses, my subconscious intention was to fill that void within me. So nothing really stuck long term.

    All the happiness, love, and peace I felt lasted as long as my boyfriend approved of me, or people only had nice things to say about me, or I was the perfect friend, daughter, employee, or boss.

    I was still operating from a place of inner emptiness and a lack of self-love, so I didn’t fully see my own beauty. As I went deeper within, unraveling layers of myself that I had never tapped into before, some I didn’t even know existed within me, my fear started to evolve into self-love.

    I realized that we are taught how to love others, how to get love, how to be lovable, but we’re never taught how to truly love ourselves—at all, let alone unconditionally. Why? Because on some level, our society believes that it’s egotistical, not important, or narcissistic.

    What I now know for sure is that each time we depend on others or things to give us happiness, approval, to make us feel loved, important, successful, to receive guarantees, peace, or security, we give a piece of ourselves away.

    We give what is happening outside of ourselves permission to dictate our level of happiness and self-love.

    For me, that evolved into people pleasing, because I allowed others to be my lifeline to feeling good. I didn’t realize that I didn’t need fixing; I just needed to be re-introduced to who I truly was and I have always been. Whole and complete.

    Once I stopped giving away my power to everyone but myself, my relationship with myself changed, and so did my life.

    When you meet yourself with love, you allow the process of personal growth to be about fulfillment rather than filling in. You begin to be kinder to yourself, more understanding, compassionate, and supportive of your journey. The love for yourself expands.

    Self-love is not about the ego or selfishness; it’s a pure, positive, compassionate attitude toward yourself. So when we hear that voice within saying, How dare you love yourself? I ask, How dare you not?

    Personal growth is a lifelong process that is not about getting to a destination, but the journey itself. There is no right or wrong way of going through this process.

    Each of our life journeys is unpredictable. The only thing you truly have control over is yourself—your actions, your effort, your words, your fun and play, your ideas, your mistakes, or your behavior. You have the power to decide how you will continue along your journey. So ask yourself…

    Will my decisions come from a place of love or a place of fear?

    Build a solid foundation from within by tapping into your beauty, confidence, strength, resilience, and all the other good stuff that may be buried away and forgotten, so that you don’t lose yourself during life’s ups and downs.

    Know that nothing or no one can validate you, because you are already valid.

    There is no “fixing” that needs to be done, nor are you “flawed” for seeking help and guidance. It just means that you are ready to experience yourself and your life in a new way, because what you’re doing is no longer working.

    The next time you pick up a self-help book, go to a spiritual healer, hire a life coach, see a counselor, or attend a personal development workshop, let these resources be a means to support. Let them help and guide you toward true fulfillment rather than inviting them to be a substitute for your true happiness.

    You are perfect, whole, and complete exactly as you are!