Tiny Buddha

Category: love & relationships

  • How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs

    How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs

    Woman at the Beach

    “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~Tony Gaskins

    I highly value being loyal, honest, empathetic, and supportive. I am also partial to advocating for the underdog. As a result, I have historically attempted to be a ‘hero’ in situations of difficulty, tension, conflict, or stress.

    I take pride in being the person who others can turn to for support, guidance, and empathy after an upsetting experience.

    When a friend was going through a troublesome period, I literally dropped everything to race to her and give her a hand. I drove her everywhere when her car was destroyed in an accident. I sat with her in the car for hours each day and listened to her troubles in the driveway when dropping her home.

    I often answered the phone late at night when this friend was having a crisis. I barely spent time with my husband as I tended to her needs, even when our marriage began to show cracks as a result.

    I would fall prey to her criticism and insults when she was distressed and seemingly needed a ‘punching bag,’ or when I didn’t respond as quickly or as perfectly as she desired. I regularly defended her behavior and tried to cheer her up when she questioned her value as a friend, in an attempt to help her feel better.

    I convinced myself that it was a stage that she was going through and that she needed my support—that despite the emotional manipulation and unreasonable expectations—a good friend would stick by her, no matter what. Besides, she was a beautiful person and a wonderful friend in many respects.

    When another friend wanted to provide a quote on a personal project, despite my intuition warning me against mixing friendship with business, I proceeded out of concern that I’d offend him if I did otherwise.

    When he made a number of errors and contradictions, was significantly late with his submission, and quoted a much higher figure than initially indicated, I continued to reinterpret his behavior and make excuses for him.

    Even upon first hearing that he had then proceeded to lie about conversations and events to others, my initial reaction was to defend him and make excuses for how he might have been misled by other influences (when this was very unlikely to be the case).

    When a single friend who liked to frequently sleep with different women who he met at a bar each weekend suddenly got upset by the fact that he hadn’t met his soul mate, I’d regularly open the door to him at three in the morning if he wanted to have a drunk DMC about his life and situation.

    When a man came at my friends and I with a baseball bat in a Melbourne train station, I tried to reason with him and determine why he was so worked up and how I could help deflate that— before my friends dragged me away to safety in disbelief.

    I could provide many more examples of where I have put the needs of others before my own, to the point where I have been hurt or experienced significant difficulty. I bet that if you’re still reading this article, that you can do the same.

    I thought I was being a loyal, giving, and kind person who continuously chose to see the good in people. I took pride in this, and identified with it being a core part of who I was. But then I started to notice a painful pattern.

    My own health, happiness, needs, and desires were continuously neglected. I was so busy helping others that prioritizing my own needs wasn’t possible.

    I implicitly told people that I didn’t have boundaries, so it was understandably a shock to the system when I tried to put them in place at a later date.

    I also demonstrated that I held an impossible expectation for myself to be perfect in a relationship, and people started to hold me to that level of perfection and expect it from me 100% of the time (even when they did not hold their own behavior to anywhere near the same level or quality that they expected from me).

    And what hurt most of all is that I started to notice that people often didn’t do the same for me. They didn’t risk putting their neck out on the chopping board and they certainly didn’t hang around to fight for our relationship when even the slightest bit of difficulty appeared. When I started to better manage my own energy and space, they would ‘dump’ me in a flash.

    I suddenly realized that I needed to change.

    I needed to respect and value myself and my needs more. I needed to make me a priority. I needed to stop being a martyr. I needed to introduce and maintain boundaries.

    I needed to find a way to balance being big-hearted, loyal, and generous with taking care of myself and protecting my own energy and interests.

    It was a difficult period—a period of adjustments and lessons, that are still continuing to a lesser degree. But at the end of the day, my increased emphasis on taking care of myself was not only good for me, but also for the people that truly loved and valued me.

    But how could it be a good thing, you might ask? You lost friends, you suffered, you learned that many people you loved wouldn’t be there to back you up when you needed them. How is that a good thing?

    Please, let me explain. When I ‘lost’ or better managed those who drained energy from me and disregarded perfectly reasonable personal boundaries it:

    • Freed up more time for me to support and enjoy the company of those who did respect, value and cherish me—those who were uplifting and supportive
    • Led to me respecting, valuing, and honoring myself and my own needs more, which allowed me to feel more energized, vibrant, happy, healthy, and ‘on purpose’ than ever before
    • Allowed me to learn more about myself and what I valued in a relationship and to be more cautious about spending time with people who didn’t align with these values
    • Helped me further fine-tune the art of boundary setting, a skill that I believe can impact on your life in so many ways
    • Encouraged others to start treating me with more respect
    • Inspired others to start taking better care of themselves and their needs too
    • Helped me learn how to say no and to ask for help—two valuable skills to have in your internal wellness toolkit

    The above are only examples, of which I am sure there are many more, of the benefits I have experienced from setting boundaries and learning to prioritize myself and my own needs.

    Now this might sound great in theory, but I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to start setting boundaries and to prioritize your own needs, desires, and dreams. Some suggestions to help you get started include:

    1. Begin to take notice of who you spend your time with and how they make you feel.

    Do you enjoy their company? Do they make you feel supported and uplifted? Do they bring you joy? Or do they deflate you? Make you feel bad about yourself and your character? Suck the energy from you? Perhaps it is time to consider how you manage your time with these people in the future.

    2. Take time out to reflect on and identify your own needs, desires, and dreams.

    Do you have a self-care and me-time practice? Do you make time for activities that you enjoy? Do you feel satisfied with your work, home life, health, or other areas that you value? Commit to making a conscious effort to start prioritizing these areas more in your life.

    3. Actively look for ways to make time for you.

    What can you organize or change in your schedule to make this happen? Where can you find efficiencies or introduce systems that will make time for you? Where could you ask for help or delegate work or tasks to free up time? What items can you cull from your to-do list in order to drop some balls and pick up the self-care ball?

    4. Practice saying no.

    Putting a stop to the automatic “yes machine” and learning to say no are vital steps for setting boundaries and learning to place more value on yourself, your time, and your desires.

    Learning to say no can take practice. I suggest that you start with a ‘buying time’ script, where instead of responding with a clear “yes” or “no” straight away, you tell people that you are busy and that you’ll check and get back to them. This buys you time to formulate a more considered response in line with your own needs and desires.

    At the end of the day, please remember that you matter. Your life matters. Your needs and desires matter. And when you take care of yourself, you are in a much better position to be of service to others and the world.

    In finishing, I’d love to leave you with a quote from Dodinsky that sums up one of the main points of this article: “Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.”

    Woman at the beach image via Shutterstock

  • How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    Sad man

    “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou 

    Have you ever been the recipient of put-downs, snide remarks, or hostile language?

    If you have, your confidence may have suffered a significant nosedive.

    I once attended a summer music camp for young musicians. I was studying the piano and enjoyed playing classical music, but I always had a deep fear of performing in front of others, especially other highly skilled musicians.

    Desiring to overcome this crippling fear, I decided to audition for an upcoming recital. To my surprise, the audition went smoothly, and I qualified to play in the recital.

    Though my performance was far from flawless due to my overwhelming anxiety, I was proud of how I’d faced my fears and completed my performance despite some significant slips.

    Some days later, a faculty member asked me to be a page-turner for him for the next recital. I agreed to do so. After that recital, a fellow student approached me afterward and said:

    “You page-turn way better than you play.”

    After the initial shock had worn off, I tried to brush off the comment. But the voice in my head was swirling with all kinds of thoughts like, “Serves me right for trying to play in the big leagues,” and, “She’s probably right because she is a much better pianist than I am.”

    Her biting words festered in me for weeks and months after the camp was over. I’d lost whatever little confidence I had in my ability to play in public. I’d lost confidence in myself, period. I felt helpless and eventually wanted to quit playing.

    However, with time and perspective, my confidence slowly returned. And after some reflection, I realized that we can take effective steps to mitigate the damage in the face of significant put-downs:

    1. Acknowledge your feelings.

    After the incident, I experienced a series of emotions. My initial surprise turned to anger, which then turned to shame. As I tried to deny the emotions I was feeling, they grew stronger and began to manifest in unexpected and destructive ways.

    My first step back on the path to confidence was to acknowledge the emotions I was feeling. Doing so allowed me to observe them rather than be swept away by them.

    If you’re struggling with difficult emotions after a put-down, acknowledge the feelings. Allow them to pass through you without resisting or attaching yourself to them, always remembering this simple truth: you are not your emotions.

    2. Contain the damage.

    When we’re put-down, our confidence suffers because we over-generalize and make faulty conclusions about ourselves using the internalized negativity of others.

    Regaining my own confidence meant replacing my initial conclusion of “I am a bad pianist” with “I performed that day to the best of my ability.”

    If you’re put down or criticized, confine your feelings about the criticism to the action being criticized rather than making it about you. Do this even when the criticism feels like a personal attack.

    In fact, the more personal the put-down, the greater the likelihood that the incident is more about the other person’s insecurities than it is about you.

    3. Focus on the positive.

    Put-downs can make us feel small.

    Sometimes, they can feel like a powerful vortex sucking you down or like a powerful ocean current that sweeps you under water. It’s tempting to feel like you have no control over how you feel when you’re caught in a hostile situation.

    But you do have power. You can choose to focus on the positive.

    In my situation, this meant choosing not to focus on how small the comment “made” me feel. Instead, I chose to focus on how I was willing to put myself out there and fail in order to grow.

    When you decide to choose your attitude, you’ll create an emotional shield that can withstand any insult. Why? Because you’ll understand the powerful truth that it’s not the put-down that makes or breaks your confidence; it’s how you choose to think and feel about it.

    4. Realize that your worth is intrinsic.

    We all struggle with the tendency to tie our worth to our abilities and the opinions of others. We let our sense of worthiness depend on performance—on the job, at home, and even when we’re just hanging out with friends.

    We exhaust ourselves by constantly trying to measure up to implicit or explicit standards and expectations. But the sense of self-worth we so desperately seek outside of ourselves already resides within us.

    Because I couldn’t play the piano like the person who was judging me, I felt unworthy and useless—despite how well I played. But I’ve learned that my worthiness does not come from my ability as a pianist. My worth is intrinsic to who I am as a human being.

    It cannot be bought or earned, but simply uncovered.

    You do not have to wait to be accomplished in the eyes of others to feel worthy. You can choose to feel worthy right now.

    5. Forgive and let go.

    When someone hurts you deeply with their words, the last thing on your mind at that moment is forgiveness. But your willingness to forgive and let go will lift your spirit and restore your confidence in yourself and others.

    My path back to self-confidence meant forgiving the person who made the careless and hurtful remark to me. This doesn’t mean that I tried to become her friend, or pretended the incident never happened, or demanded she apologize.

    It just meant that I chose to stop holding on to my negative feelings toward her and let them pass through me.

    It meant forgiving myself for allowing the experience to control my life for a time. It meant giving up the comfort and safety of self-loathing that gave me permission to avoid the pain, but also the payoff, of personal growth.

    What past insults are you clinging to right now? Trust that you won’t fall into the abyss if you let them go.

    You Alone Are Enough

    Are you willing to give up years, even decades, of joyful and confident living over mean-spirited remarks?

    Are you willing to believe the lies others tell you so that they can feel better about themselves?

    Are you willing to play small rather than rise to every occasion?

    I didn’t think so.

    Refuse to believe the voices that say you are not intelligent enough, beautiful enough, or worthy enough.

    Because you alone are enough. And only you have the power to bring that realization to life.

    Sad man image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Steps to Making an Intimate Relationship Work

    3 Steps to Making an Intimate Relationship Work

    Couple Silhouette

    “True closeness respects each other’s space.” ~Angelica Hopes

    It was a Friday, the workweek had ended, and I was excited for my boyfriend to come home. (Okay, I’m talking about an ex-boyfriend—these steps took me time to implement…)

    I’d gone grocery shopping and had two steaks to grill, with asparagus and a bottle of wine chilled.

    I heard the garage door and the dog ran to meet him. I knew he would drop his briefcase and come to the kitchen to give me a hug. Then, he would take off his shoes and find the couch to decompress for a few minutes.

    But I couldn’t know prior what mood he’d be in—no way to predict before that ten-second greeting if he’d had a hard day and would need some space or if he was ready to be close.

    And vice versa. He could have found me cheerfully setting the table or on the couch instead, watching Housewives on Bravo, curled up in a blanket.

    I have to admit that I’ve had a lot to learn about relationships. And it’s all because at times I wanted to be close, and at times I needed distance.

    Depending on where I was within my own self-security, I could be terrified of entrapment or at times wanted to dissolve in another.

    We all want closeness in varying degrees. And depending on daily life circumstances, we want different things.

    Yet, at times we act out certain patterns in our various needs for security in our relationships:

    We can be anxious: We can cling, be needy and dependent, or complain. We grasp, wanting the other to relieve our fear of abandonment, loss, or rejection.

    We can be avoidant: We can push away, shut down, criticize, or refuse to communicate. We find other things to put our attention on to come between us and our relationships.

    We can be ambivalent: Depending on how we feel, we can flip between anxious or avoidant—all due to the uncertainties of intimacy. We either crave closeness and grip or cut off, perhaps unconsciously.

    And lastly, we are secure: We feel safe in closeness and also have loving boundaries when we need space for ourselves.

    Oh, how I’ve wished my MO were more secure at times. But in truth, it’s normal and natural in relationships to be anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent. We’re human. And it takes practice.

    There are also those wonderful, easy moments of self-security shared.

    I was having lunch with two friends of mine who are married. She was away on business a lot of the time. He was visiting her on one of her trips to New York City. It was understood that on some days she would be working and on the days she wasn’t, they’d be doing fun things together.

    They showed up to the lunch irritated. As a bystander, it was easier to observe.

    He was frustrated because as they were having coffee that morning, she was catching up on her social marketing on her phone. He wanted quality time with her. After all, he’d flown in to see her.

    She was frustrated because she felt like he wasn’t having compassion for the small things she still needed to do for her job. Besides, they’d just had two days together, touring around New York City.

    What I saw was the simple pattern: She needed some space. He wanted closeness.

    But then he said to her, “If I knew you were going to be on your phone, I would have gone to the gym instead.”

    It seemed he wished he had taken care of his own needs. He didn’t really mind that she needed to do some work—he was actually regretting not grabbing some time for himself.

    I learned so much from that lunch, watching them. It reminded me of times I wanted to be close and have some space after being close for a while, but didn’t know how to ask for it and how guilty I could feel about it.

    Here are the three steps to create a relationship that works:

    1. Recognize when space or closeness is needed either in yourself or in your partner.

    2. Gently communicate your needs and respect the other’s desire.

    3. Compromise by seeing the dance of space as an energy trade. If you pushed away last, perhaps you could make an attempt for closeness. Or if last time you asked for closeness, it’s your turn to offer space.

    It’s also important to realize that our partners may not be able to give what we need all the time and to accept that.

    I couldn’t depend on my ex-boyfriend to always come home from work relaxed, happy, and excited to see me. Nor could he depend on me either.

    But what I can depend on is being aware of my needs and communicating them, lovingly.

    Honey, I need closeness. 

    Babe, I need some space.

    Aside from communication, there’s also an inner responsibility:

    If we tend toward anxiousness, the trick is to rest in the discomfort of spaciousness without needing someone else to complete us and fill it with our own self-nurturing instead.

    If we lean toward the avoidant, the trick is to be aware of our fear of closeness and open. To take a risk to receive, soften our heart and let love in.

    Obviously, there are relationships where there is too much dependency or too wide of a gap—where the other is no longer present. When this happens, therapy is a good thing. (Haven’t I known it!) 

    There’s this story about a horse in a large field. He has his favorite place grazing in a corner. If you put a fence around him, nine times out of ten he bucks up. If you take the fence down, chances are you still find him peacefully chewing in his corner.

    The same goes with relationship.

    One two three, one two three, we waltz. You step forward. I step back. But in each other’s embrace we dance.

    How might you offer your beloved a sense of closeness or some space today? How might you get your needs met on your own regardless?

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • 25 Loving, Supportive Things to Tell Yourself Today

    25 Loving, Supportive Things to Tell Yourself Today

    Happy Woman

    “Identify one supportive phrase you wish you heard more growing up. Every time you pass by a mirror today, look at yourself and say that.” ~from Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

    When I was a kid, an authority figure once told me, “If I was your age, I wouldn’t be your friend.”

    I tried to act like I didn’t care so I wouldn’t give that person the satisfaction of knowing how deeply they hurt me.

    But it hit me hard, and it stayed with me for years. Someone who was supposed to like me didn’t, so why would anyone else ever love me?

    There was something fundamentally wrong with me. And I wasn’t good enough at anything I did. Even when I did my best, I was never the best, so that meant I was a failure.

    These beliefs guided my childhood and adolescence. When I got to adulthood, I frequently sabotaged relationships thinking, “They won’t want to spend time with me. Why would they? I wouldn’t if I were them.”

    And I regularly overextended myself, only to beat myself up when I inevitably failed at juggling far more than any one person should have to carry.

    The voice in my head was callous and cruel. It took me years to realize it wasn’t even mine.

    Growing up, many of us heard more about what we were doing wrong than what we were doing right (from people who had the same experience growing up). And for a lot of us, there were more punishments than rewards, at home and in school.

    It makes sense, then, that so many of us grew into anxious, insecure adolescents, and then matured into fearful, self-doubting adults.

    But we’re not kids anymore, and we know better now than to believe everything we’re told.

    More importantly, we don’t have to continue hurting and criticizing ourselves. We don’t have to bully ourselves over our perceived shortcomings. We can stop the cycle.

    If you follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, you’ve likely seen the “love challenge” graphics I’ve been sharing for the last month.

    Each one offers something simple you can do to improve your relationships, open yourself up to new ones, or nurture your relationship with yourself.

    And each one comes from my upcoming book, Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

    Recently, I posted the challenge below and asked Facebook followers to share what phrase they wished they heard more as kids.

    One Supportive Phrase

    Their responses reminded me that we all have the power, every day, to give ourselves the same kind of love and support we’d want from other people. In fact, it’s a prerequisite to getting love and support from others, because we’re only ever open to receiving what we believe we deserve.

    We all deserve to hear these things—from others and ourselves:

    1. I love you just the way you are.

    2. When you need something to believe in, start with yourself.

    3. I’ll always be here for you. I love you unconditionally.

    4. You deserve to be happy.

    5. You look beautiful.

    6. Don’t be afraid—you are good enough.

    7. I believe you are very capable of taking care of yourself, with or without someone else to take care of you.

    8. Anything you can imagine is possible. The only thing to fear is fear itself.

    9. Everything will be okay. Even if its not, it will be.

    10. You are enough as you are.

    11. You are an individual and are perfect the way you are now.

    12. You can do anything you set your mind to.

    13. It’s okay to make a mistake.

    14. I believe in you.

    15. You tried—that’s good enough.

    16. I’m proud of you.

    17. You don’t need permission from anyone to dream and explore your interests and passions.

    18. You have a beautiful soul.

    19. You are safe.

    20. You’re doing great.

    21. You can do anything.

    22. I want the best for you.

    23. You’re handling it beautifully.

    24. You are awesome, kid.

    25. I love and accept you no matter what.

    Imagine what the world would be like if we all told ourselves these things every day.

    Imagine a world full of people who believe in themselves, encourage themselves, and forgive themselves for their mistakes.

    Imagine a world full of people who speak to themselves kindly and look in the mirror and see nothing but love—and then take the positive, loving energy into their interactions with others.

    I’d like to be part of that world. And I know it starts with me—and you.

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

    When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

    Quarreling Couple

    “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou

    I remember first hearing these words in my early twenties. I heard them. I just didn’t follow them. Hence, I brought myself a whole lot of painful lessons and needless suffering because I always wanted to give people a second chance, and a third, and a fourth … You get the picture.

    I was the girl who always saw the “potential” in people. The person they “could” be, with a little love and nurturing from yours truly. I considered myself to be one of the most loving, loyal, and big-hearted people out there. And besides, there were very few things I truly wanted that I went after and didn’t get.

    I suffered many disappointments and even more heartbreaks because of this, both in friendships and romantic relationships.

    I expected people to change just because I thought they should be or feel a certain way. But at that point in my spiritual journey, I hadn’t yet learned that everyone is on their own path, and sometimes their soul just isn’t in alignment with yours.

    When I fell for some guy and had it made up in my mind that he was “it,” I made a lot of excuses for his behavior, which was never in alignment with what I was looking for. Well-meaning friends would warn me in the beginning: “He doesn’t sound like a good match for you. His behavior seems a little sketchy.” Did I listen?

    No. My ego was way too big. Sure, I saw the behavior. I even saw the red flags. But I thought I was “different.” I was so special that I felt I could change that person… just by being wonderful, amazing me.

    NOTE TO SELF: When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!

    I married someone after seeing all the red flags in the very beginning. Behavior that didn’t add up to what I was being told, behavior in past relationships that was not filled with integrity. But there was so much about him that was good and pure, and the love and passion we had for each other was real and intense.

    I truly believed that people could change. And they can. But more importantly I believed I was different, and that behavior would never exist again now that he was with me.

    It should be no surprise that the marriage ended and was the most devastating and painful loss of my life. But that was the moment I started to live by Maya Angelou’s mantra.

    The dating world after divorce is a lot of things—exciting, fun, scary, sometimes horrible, but most of all, a test. How much have you learned from your previous relationships? And what are you going to do differently this time around?

    For me, I learned a lot, but I have blind spots. And comfort zones I fall into. I keep gravitating toward men that feel “like home,” except that home never made me feel good or secure in it and it was definitely a place I shouldn’t consider settling in long term.

    Some warning signs I’ve finally learned to look for and walk away from:

    • Lack of commitment to anything especially in relationships
    • Not a great communicator
    • Not being emotive with feelings
    • History of cheating in past relationships
    • Always looking for the “next best thing”

    These are my red flags. Someone else’s may be completely different. But they are things I know just won’t work for me and will eventually lead to heartbreak.

    What I tell friends when I see them falling into the same trap I often do is to ask themselves some key questions and to be rigorously honest:

    • Is this person someone who embodies all the things that are important to you, or are you convincing yourself that you can change them? You can never change someone. Walk away.
    • Are you attracting the same type of person you always do (the one who never works out for you and always leads to heartbreak)? If so, walk away.
    • Does this person have all of the things that are on your “Essentials” List? Those are the things that are your “must haves” and are non-negotiable. For me, those are trustworthy, spiritual, a great communicator, and someone who is affectionate, loving, and expressive with their emotions. If this person doesn’t have your essentials, walk away.

    The best advice I got just this week was from a friend who knows my journey well. He said, “You know what. Just recognize that you are finally learning what your heart truly wants and moving closer to that every day. You’re walking away from people who aren’t in alignment with your core values anymore.”

    So yes, I’m learning. And I still have a ways to go. But I trust that the right one, the one who steals my heart for good, will show me how amazing he is for me…. the first time.

    Quarreling couple image via Shutterstock

  • How to Meet Your Needs and Make Others Happy at the Same Time

    How to Meet Your Needs and Make Others Happy at the Same Time

    Its Not Selfish

    “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” ~Buddha

    We all want to be liked. It’s programmed into our DNA and throughout our lives the message is drummed into us loud and clear: put other people first, don’t blow your own horn, and above all, never be selfish.

    Our society conditions us to tend to everybody else’s needs while ignoring our own, as if this is somehow a virtuous and noble vocation.

    But what if I told you that you could take care of your own needs as well as the needs of others and be happy at the same time?

    “Me” Is Not a Dirty Word

    Most people confuse self-care with selfishness. The fact of the matter is that you are no use to anybody else if you don’t take care of your own needs first.

    If you have spent your whole life saying yes when you want to say no, never asking for what you want, or constantly avoiding conflict, what I’m about to say may come as a shock to you:

    The sky doesn’t fall in when you set boundaries.

    You don’t always have to be the easy-going, laid back one. You can express your preferences, disagree with another person’s point of view, or decline a social invitation without getting anybody’s nose out of joint; and you can do this in an easy, open respectful manner.

    Instead of saying nothing or flying into a rage when something doesn’t sit right with you, you can choose the middle way—being assertive. Assertive communication sends the message: “I respect you and I respect myself.”

    It’s also a healthy way to communicate because if you ignore your own needs and stuff down your negative emotions, they will only come back to bite you later on.

    I’m not saying you should go on a rampage of self-indulgence and narcissism. Instead, ask yourself “how can we both win in this situation?” For example, let’s say you always let your friend pick the movie when you go out.

    Next time you could say, “Actually, I’d really like to see this movie instead. How about next time you get to choose what we see?”

    A happy life has a healthy balance of giving and receiving. Creating that balance starts with believing that you deserve to be as happy as those around you.

    We Teach People How To Treat Us

    When I was seven years old I was acutely aware of the pecking order in my class. There was the ever coveted popular group…and then there was me.

    I wanted so much for the cool kids to like me that I would do almost anything for them. One of the popular girls lived around the corner from me, so on weekends we would play together. When we were alone she was very nice to me and we got along famously.

    But as soon as we were at school she would suddenly switch, excluding me from her games, making fun of me in front of others, and being really cruel to me.

    One day I had just received a beautiful set of coloured crayons for my birthday, which I was using during drawing class. This girl asked me if she could use my crayons. After some consideration, I said “Yes, but only if you will be my friend.”

    She said, “Sure I’ll be your friend.” In good faith I allowed her to share my crayons, truly believing that she would keep her word. Alas, the moment drawing class finished she returned to her old bullying behaviour and I was left feeling angry, sad, and confused.

    I learned a very important lesson on that day: if you’re nice to other people they’re not necessarily going to be nice to you in return.

    The lesson I didn’t learn from that day (a lesson that would continually be thrown at me for many years to come) was that we teach people how to treat us. I was the one who was allowing this girl to bully me and use me; and only I could change that situation.

    Unfortunately, as the years went by I continued to allow myself to be mistreated by friends, co-workers, and boyfriends, all because I just wanted them to like me.

    The real problem was that I didn’t like myself. Then finally one day the penny dropped. How could I possibly expect other people to respect me if I had no respect for myself?

    From that moment onward I stopped handing out crayons to just anybody. I ditched the “frenemies” and opened up space to attract the kind of people I really wanted in my life.

    Nowadays those who have the privilege of my friendship have to earn it through trust, respect, integrity, and congruence between actions and words. And I don’t mind telling you I have a pretty great bunch of people in my corner.

    How to Set Boundaries

    If you’re used to doing anything to avoid rocking the boat, setting boundaries can be a bit scary at first. But trust me, once you start it will become easier with time and practice.

    It’s not about stepping on anybody’s toes or being aggressive. You are simply creating the habit of respecting your own needs as well as those of other people so that everybody wins sometimes.

    Start with baby steps. Pick your battles and listen to your gut along the way. For example, if you’re used to saying yes all the time, try saying yes only 50% of the time.

    Other ways you can be assertive are:

    • Say no when a friend asks you for a favor without feeling obliged to constantly apologize
    • Don’t volunteer to do something just because you think you “should”
    • Voice your preferences when choosing dinner, movies or other activities in a group
    • Express your opinion respectfully in an even tone without raising your voice

    Happy people make other people happy. When you are getting your needs met, your loved ones will also benefit from this.

    As a visitor on this planet you have as much right to happiness as anybody else. So if you want to be happy, choose the middle way. Respect yourself as well as those around you, and when you spread the love around make sure you have some left over for yourself.

  • Now Is the Time to Appreciate Each Other and Enjoy Life

    Now Is the Time to Appreciate Each Other and Enjoy Life

    Friends Making Heart Symbol

    “If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you’d want to have spent it? Listen, the truth is, nothing is guaranteed. You know that more than anybody. So don’t be afraid. Be alive.” ~Sarah Dessen

    It was beginning to get dark. Lightning streaked across the cloudy sky above the ocean. The full force of the wind took the breath out of me as my eyes squinted from the heavy rainfall.

    Waves rolled in to crash down in front of me, as if the ocean was screaming at me.

    “Turn around, human. Go home!”

    “Maybe I should,” I thought. “What am I doing out here in this extreme winter weather?”

    But my intention returned. The news I had received that day continued to stir at the back of my mind. And so, I moved forward.

    The water was ice cold as the waves smashed against my legs. I moved forward.

    Just as I thought I could bear no more, I submerged myself underwater. The sounds and sensations shifted as I merged with the ocean for a brief moment. And then I resurfaced to brave the magnificent storm.

    In this moment, I felt so alive!

    I had awoken to the reality of life—that there is only one thing that holds us to this world. A heartbeat.

    Earlier that day I had received news that my friend, Nick, had tragically and unexpectedly passed away. His heartbeat no longer held him to this world.

    How fragile we truly are. Yet living this truth is where we truly fail.

    My ocean swim in extreme winter weather was a way to remember that I had a heartbeat; that I was alive. It was a reminder that all those I know and care about are mortal, fragile, and finite.

    Why had I ignored this truth? Why had I lived my life to this point in safe denial?

    Reflecting back on this experience, I have come to realize that when we lose someone, it temporarily shifts our internal compass of reality.

    It points us home, toward what some people call our “higher self,” “inner wisdom,” or put simply, our raw humanity.

    These lessons we learn from loss are valuable reminders for our own personal growth. They serve as road signs that lead the way back to our own humanity, which we so easily lose touch with in today’s society.

    In finding my own way back to humanity on that stormy night at the beach, my first road sign pointed toward letting go of judgments.

    Too often we form negative judgments about people based on their mistakes and choices we don’t agree with, and in doing so can’t see the best in them. What a selfish person! What a rude person! How could he do that!

    We create generalizations that cut us off from the people around us. We zoom in on these judgmental labels and before we know it, it’s too late to appreciate the people in our lives.

    I knew my friend who passed as a casual acquaintance for six years. Sometimes I thought he partied too hard. There were times where he even got into trouble with the law.

    Yet, there were so many things I could have appreciated more by simply looking beyond my judgments. 

    He was friendly and known by so many. He had a great sense of humor and was extremely fun to be around.

    His energy and zest for life were contagious. Although he had never been employed, I really admired his courage to live a satisfying life in his own way without worrying what others thought. But I never told him while he was alive because I was too busy judging his choices. And now I’ll never have the chance.

    Which judgments are getting in the way of connecting with people in your life? What would you appreciate about them if you knew your time with them was limited?

    My second road sign back to humanity pointed toward appreciating the present moment. Too often we sleepwalk through life, lost in our own minds with endless thinking. Many times we’re not even present in what we’re doing.

    If you’ve ever taken a shower and realized that you can’t remember whether you have already washed your hair, you will know what I am talking about.

    Perhaps you’ve taken a walk on the beach on a sunny afternoon, but spent the whole time gazing at the ground lost in thoughts about the day.

    The present moment? Before you know it, it’s gone.

    Appreciating the present moment is as simple as noticing the sensations and experiences around you.

    My spontaneous ocean swim allowed me to feel the heavy rainfall on my skin, the sheer force of the wind and waves against my body, and the exhilaration of submerging myself into the ice-cold water.

    What are the things that make you feel alive? What prevents you from fully enjoying those things, and what can you do to start experiencing them more mindfully?

    Oscar Wilde, a nineteenth century Irish writer, remarked that “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

    I encourage you to go beyond simply existing. Appreciate the present moment and completely savor the experience. Because that’s what we are all here for, right?

    In sharing my lessons from loss, I hoped that you too will remember that there is only one thing that holds us to this world: a heartbeat.

    Let this truth guide you in your actions every day, and be mindful of life lessons that serve as reminders.

    The moments we have are small grains of sand in an infinitely trickling universe; take time each day to enjoy the present moment before it trickles away.

    The people in our lives are drops in an endless ocean that forever ebbs and flows; take time each day to appreciate them before the waves carry them away.

    Friends making heart symbol image via Shutterstock

  • Why Rejection IS Sometimes Personal (but Not About Your Worth)

    Why Rejection IS Sometimes Personal (but Not About Your Worth)

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    It’s not about you. It’s about them. It’s their loss. Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean anything.

    Well-intentioned people have told me these things many times to soften the blow of rejection. And I wanted so badly to believe them, but how could I?

    When someone doesn’t want you, it’s hard not to take it personally. They don’t want you. It must mean something about you, right?

    When five college theater programs rejected me, when guy after guy ditched me, when countless potential friends avoided me, I thought for sure it meant I wasn’t talented or lovable.

    I beat myself up, put myself down, and wished I could be someone better, someone people wouldn’t so quickly write off.

    I tried to reframe it, to consider that it really had nothing to do with me. I knew this thought was supposed to comfort me, but something told me this wasn’t right—and it wasn’t my low self-esteem.

    Eventually, I was able to look beyond the simplicity of black-and-white thinking and recognize a beautiful grey area.

    That grey area was the key to bouncing back from rejection. It was the key to learning about myself. And it was the key to changing how I showed up in the world, and how I experienced it.

    In the grey area, rejection sometimes is about us, but not about our worth.

    In high school, I had tremendous potential as an actress and singer. I got cast in lead roles plenty of times, received abundant praise for both my dramatic chops and my comedic timing, and represented my school choir at a national competition.

    I had talent; I know this now. Still, with the benefit of hindsight, I also know that my college rejections did mean something about me.

    I didn’t take care of myself back then. My throat was constantly hoarse due to aggressive bulimia. And I was terrified of judgment, which made it difficult to be present and throw myself into my monologues.

    But none of those things meant I was untalented or unworthy. They meant I needed to be kinder to myself, to strengthen my confidence, and to grow as a person and performer.

    As a teen and in my early twenties, I had a lot to give in relationships. I was compassionate, good-hearted, and loyal to those I cared about.

    I was lovable; I know this now. Still, with the benefit of hindsight, I also know that my inability to sustain relationships and friendships did mean something about me.

    I frequently looked to others to fill gaps in my self-esteem. I obsessed about myself while blinding myself to their needs. And I was clingy, insecure, and unwilling to heal the pain that caused me to focus all my attention on winning their approval.

    But none of these things meant I was unworthy of love. They meant I’d experienced tremendous pain and I needed to heal and learn to love myself before I could truly love or be loved by others.

    Some rejections really weren’t about me—like when a casting director was looking for someone older.

    Most times, there was a lesson for me in the rejection, some area where I could learn and improve. But the lesson never had to do with my worth as a person—only about my potential for growth.

    This isn’t a mindset I adopted quickly or easily. 

    For years, I hated myself when I failed or it seemed people didn’t want me. Even the tiniest rejections would push me down to a dark, dirty place of “There’s something wrong with me.”

    And it was awfully tempting to stay there. In a way, it felt safe. It was a place where I could hang out without getting shut out.

    In accepting my inadequacy, I was free to shut down and avoid future rejections. What was the point of trying when I knew I was the problem, and there was nothing I could do about it?

    If I plain and simply wasn’t good enough—if I was intrinsically unworthy of all the things I wanted—then I could stop putting myself in a position to have this disheartening truth confirmed.

    Or, perhaps even more depressing, I could lower the bar on what I wanted so that it aligned with what I believed I deserved. I could seek out jobs that dissatisfied me, men who looked down on me, and friends who devalued me.

    Because that’s what happens when you conclude that you’re unworthy and undeserving—you find people and situations that confirm it.

    Like I did in my mid-twenties, when I casually dated a man who said I was lucky he spent time with me because I wasn’t really a great catch (while torturing myself by living in NYC but not auditioning because I thought I wasn’t good enough).

    I know now that I am good enough. I deserve so much more than I once settled for, despite all the rejections I received. And I have a light I can share with the world, if I choose to kindle it instead of stifling it.

    In a way, I’m grateful for those rejections. They enabled me to identify areas for growth, to develop confidence while making progress in those areas, and to tame the cruel, critical voice inside that hurts far more than anyone else’s rejection.

    We all have a voice like this, and it has a knack for getting louder right when we need compassion the most.

    When we’ve failed to achieve something we wanted, it likes to obsess over all the reasons we probably shouldn’t have put ourselves out there.

    Really, it’s trying to keep us safe by discouraging us from putting ourselves in a position to be hurt again. Just like our friends are trying to protect us from pain by telling us it really isn’t about us.

    But safe isn’t a place where we learn or grow. It’s not the key to feeling alive, engaged, challenged, or proud of the way we’re showing up in the world.

    To feel those things we have to first tell ourselves we’re worthy of those feelings—no matter how much room we have for growth.

    We have to tell ourselves that we can achieve more than we think, but we are so much more than what we achieve.

    We have to live in that grey area where failures and rejections provide information, but not confirmation that we’re not good enough.

    I’m not always open to that information. On days when I’m feeling down on myself, it’s tempting to interpret “no” as “no, you don’t matter.”

    Even those days are opportunities, because I get to practice telling myself, “Yes, you do. Now prove it. Keep learning. Keep growing. And keep showing up, because you have so much more to give.”

  • How to Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Guide Your Life

    How to Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Guide Your Life

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Do you feel it too?

    That discomfort rising inside when someone imparts their clever wit on you. Not just any kind of wisdom, but the one that makes you feel small, in a here-you-go, punch-to-the-stomach kind of way.

    A covert little criticism implying that you might not be doing something right or may have the wrong ideas.

    Your first reaction is disbelief. Followed by denial. How can they be so rude to come out with such a comment? Why can’t they be more tactful or careful with their words?

    Then your anger takes over, and you shout from the top of your voice, “Did I even ask for your opinion?”

    Unfortunately, what seemed like shouting was just a thought. That witty retort you wanted to scream at them? Never left your lips.

    You only disagreed with them in your mind.

    And worst of all? After you leave the scene and mull the incident repeatedly, you begin to think they might be right. And that’s a tragedy.

    Because, ultimately, you can wind up feeling that what you know and who you are don’t matter.

    Thinking this way for too long leads to low self-esteem and a loss of confidence in your abilities.

    But it doesn’t have to stay that way forever.

    Inject Self-Trust

    I used to believe that other people’s bad opinions of me didn’t affect me, so I was shocked to discover they literally paralyzed me and stymied my progress.

    I clearly remember when a girl at school remarked, “Stop behaving so spoiled.” This is one of the earliest memories I have of being accused of something not even based on reality, but I actually believed that what she said was right.

    I spent years trying not to appear “spoiled,” without knowing or pausing to contemplate what it really meant. This applied to all the other “wrong” behaviors I stopped doing in hopes that I’d then be more acceptable to the world.

    But that never happened. I could not achieve a state where I pleased every person. I continued picking up subtle signs from others, telling me where I went wrong, or what needed correcting.

    This led to putting up with a lot of intimidation at work from peers, in my adult life. Not only was I too shy to strike back, I faced humiliation in front of the group when a boss called me a geek once. As if that was the worst sin in the world.

    Furthermore, I became a “psychic” over time. Others’ nagging voices had become my own, to the point I was second-guessing what people might have been thinking of me.

    The situation changed when I recognized I was living within the bounds of my limiting thoughts, including those that were formed from others’ limited opinions.

    What I needed to escape this loop was a good old dose of self-trust.

    Because other people don’t live your life, you can only live it for yourself. And for that, you must stop listening to others’ inflated belief systems.

    Immunize Against Opinions

    The following ideas will help you shed chilling spells of self-doubt and embrace the loving warmth of self-assurance: 

    Unravel the ball.

    Like a wool of yarn, the kind of reactions you learn and display to each situation you encounter get layered and imprinted in your mind over the years. Try and look beyond the obvious issues (top layers) to get to the root (core) of it.

    I spent years trying to behave “appropriately” so that other people would accept me, because underneath I felt like my true self was unworthy and underserving. Once I unravelled this ball I realized that I was just as worthy and deserving as anyone else, and I could start being myself—my true self. 

    Fire the culprits.

    The people who impact us at an early age can leave deep, lasting impressions on a young mind. What messages did they leave you with? By careful introspection, you can now examine the validity of such judgment. Is it wise to still carry their opinions, or can you now move on? Give yourself permission to kick them out of your life.

    That girl who told me I was spoiled? I was able to shake her opinions by seeing the absurdity of the moment. I finally understood that at that age, she barely knew herself, and she might not have known the consequences of her talk. 

    Find your “double.”

    With seven billion people inhabiting Earth right now, with all different personalities and opinions, you won’t have to look far to find those who agree with you. Seek out your own kind for mutual support and growth.

    Being around people who share your visions and goals is tremendously more helpful than trying to change those who have the opposite agenda of yours. It’s no coincidence hobbies were invented—regardless of what you’re into, a local group has already sprung up near you to bring together passionate and kindred spirits.

    Know thyself.

    Find what you’re good at by clarifying your personal strengths.

    Too many of us fall into the trap of making wrong career choices based on others’ opinions. Maybe you were particularly drawn to creative work but decided to become an accountant because your parents thought that was more sensible. Furthermore, you ended up focusing on improving weaknesses, which can never measure up to the power of just working with your strengths.

    If you live up to who you naturally are daily, you’ll be one of the few who follows an authentic life. By flowing with your strengths, you gain greater work satisfaction and become invincible in your character.

    Reset your reality.

    Thoughts are curious creatures. Have you ever stopped to ponder what they are, where they come from, and what they do to you? Find truth each day by doing ten minutes of thought-stopping meditation, and recognize just how much your thoughts are influenced by people outside yourself.

    What do you believe as a result of your mother’s negative views, or the heavily biased statements you read in the newspaper? Thoughts become disturbing when you take them too seriously. With a little meditation every day, you can widen the distance between your sanity and them. 

    Blinker yourself.

    Other people’s negative opinions are likely reflecting their own limiting beliefs about life. Develop the skill to recognize and ignore these. You don’t have to disagree with them on the spot if it doesn’t feel comfortable just yet. But put the mental blinkers on, and try visualizing how you’d go about creating a different outcome next time.

    Get out of your body.

    Zoom out of yourself to place a particular opinion in perspective. Keep going upward until it’s nothing more than a speck of sand. These opinions look quite different from 100 miles above.

    Or imagine looking back from ten years time. This incident will fade into shameful insignificance. As if it never happened. Think about this as you’re weighing up a certain opinion’s merit.

    Blow it up.

    When someone says something negative or belittling to you, exaggerate it as much as you can in your mind, to the point that it becomes funny. Comedy has an incredible power on the brain, releasing feel-good chemicals and allowing you to let go.

    Blow up the person who’s saying it into a large balloon, and send them out into the stratosphere. And release a huge belly laugh with it! The bigger, the more powerful.

    Share it out.

    Bring the troubling thought out in the open by telling a close friend about how you feel. As soon as you’ve done that, you start to see the triviality of the situation. Keeping it to yourself can be a bad idea if it festers and eats into you. “Trouble shared is trouble halved.”

    Be vulnerable enough to tell someone if a silly remark bothers you. It does more harm staying inside. So let the critter out, and disperse it into tiny particles.

    Go Your Own Way

    Don’t get sucked into some clever clog’s reckless opinion, no matter how convincing it might sound.

    You could spend your whole life trying to meet other people’s standards. But that’s not a strategy for a fulfilling life.

    Now is the time to start honoring your authentic values.

    Get to know yourself. Hang out with your own kind. Put others’ opinions in perspective. Only then will you be free to live your life, your way.

  • How We Create Problems for Ourselves (And How to Stop)

    How We Create Problems for Ourselves (And How to Stop)

    Man Lying in the Grass

    “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~Ram Dass

    I just returned from a four-day trip with my family. It was my own family of four (my husband and two kids), plus my mom, my two sisters, and my brother-in-law.

    It was great. We get along well and have fun together.

    And, it was four days with family.

    It’s a funny thing…although you grow up with your siblings, listening to and being influenced by your parents, you all end up so unique—different from each other and different from the adults who raised you.

    Of course we’re all unique. But our differences seem to be a little harder to accept or dismiss when we’re talking about family. These are the people you care about most in the world, and that usually means they can get under your skin like no others.

    We tend to have the most opinions about, and agendas for, the ones with whom we have the deepest emotional connection. Unconditional love and all of that good stuff aside, four days with family can be the perfect breeding ground for I-can’t-believe-she-said-that and I-must-be-adopted.

    A Shift in Understanding

    In the past, when I’d think about the frustration and annoyance that would come up around my family, it looked very real. It looked like it was definitely about—and caused by—them.

    I would have described it something like this: “Being around my family stirs stuff up. That’s normal, right? I experience some frustration, but it’s relatively minor. We get along great for the most part, and whatever annoyance there is tends to fade as soon as we go our separate ways.”

    Basically, it looked to me as if there was an actual issue with my family, but I was grateful that it was minor. I was good at seeing the bright side.

    Bright side-looking isn’t all bad. That was the best way I could see our “issue” for a long time and it served me. It kept me showing up and it allowed me to mostly enjoy our time together.

    But on this most recent trip, I was blessed with an insight that gave me a different understanding of the exact same circumstances.

    What I saw is that there is no problem with my family. There never was.

    We don’t have an actual issue. If you looked at us from the outside, you’d see eight people hanging out with each other. There is no problem.

    The “issue” I was feeling and attributing to my family all these years was nothing more than my own thinking. It’s just where my mind tends to go.

    My mind likes to tell stories and get quite overactive when it comes to my family. It’s been doing that for decades, actually.

    When I’m around them, my mind tells predictable, old tales tinged with frustration and fear, full of why-do-they-do that, and they-don’t-ever, and what-about-me. On this particular night, my mind was full of stories of how we should feel around each other, how we should be on the same page, how people should listen to me more.

    And those stories have nothing to do with my family. They have to do with my own unmet expectations and my own biased mind in the moment, not with my family at all.

    What a relief! The moment I saw this, the tension was gone. This may sound like a strange reaction, but I found it hilarious, actually, to see that I’ve spent thirty-some years in a mental dialogue about something that was never about what it looked to be about.

    The mental dialogue was the source of my angst all along.

    The Same May Be True for You

    The same may be true for you and your family, or whatever you think your outside “issue” is, as well.

    Part of why my insight had such an impact on me is that it wasn’t just about me and my family. It showed up as I found myself lying in bed ruminating about what someone had said earlier that day. But the problem wasn’t what they had said.

    It hit me like a ton of bricks that the rumination my mind happened to be doing was the only “problem” I had ever had.

    Your opinionated, personal mind is either being quiet or loud. When it’s quiet, it looks like all is well in the world outside. Actually, all is well on the world inside—the peace you’re feeling is your own inner peace.

    And when your mind is loud, it looks like all is chaotic in the world outside. Actually, it’s just a little chaotic internally, at the moment. It may have nothing to do with what it looks like it’s about. Or, as they say, it’s not what you think…it’s what you think.

    This difference may sound insignificant, but it’s been really huge for me. I thought I was getting off good by putting a nice spin on our family “issues.”

    To see that there are far fewer issues than I think—that often the main source of frustration is the show my mind is putting on in any moment—that’s freedom. When my mind gets tired or the show ends, it’s done. No issues to get over, just seeing thought as thought.

    You might wonder: but what if there is something that needs to change? The beauty of seeing how your mind ruminates and replays and creates problems is that when it stops doing that so much, you know if there’s something to do and you do it, drama-free.

    It’s like if you’re driving across the country with a filthy windshield. That’s kind of what an I-can’t-believe-she-said-that opinionated mind does—it muddies your inner windshield and taints everything you see.

    So going on a road trip with globs of dirt and mud on your windshield, well, that’s going to affect your judgment, right? Things won’t look as clear. You’ll probably miss turns because you can barely read the signs. You might mistake a town as “dirty” or “blah” because you’re seeing the windshield more so than the city.

    From a very busy mind that believes everything is a big issue to be solved, you’re not seeing clearly.

    You’re might try to intervene on things that might naturally blow over; and fear, self-doubt, or resentment might have you staying quiet when there is a place to intervene. You’re seeing from a dirty windshield so you’re not getting an accurate view of things.

    Seeing that your mind is constantly running what are essentially re-runs of this story about your family (or whatever your story happens to be about) lets you discount those stories. You naturally disconnect from them because you see the truth about them. That clears your windshield.

    From that place, you handle any actual problems you might want to handle calmly and peacefully. It’s a night-and-day difference. From a clear mind, you simply know what to do and you go about doing it the best you can.

    When you see that a gigantic proportion of your “issues” are caused by a dirty windshield, the windshield is wiped clear and anything that needs to actually be dealt with in the real world is dealt with. It’s as simple as that.

    I can breathe deeper knowing that. I hope you can too.

    Man lying on grass image via Shutterstock

  • Confessions and Lessons from a Former Approval Addict

    Confessions and Lessons from a Former Approval Addict

    “It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine.” ~Byron Katie

    I’m short. I’m stumpy. My nose looks like a pig’s. My inner thighs touch when I walk. My gums show too much when I talk. I have to change the way I look. Maybe then you’ll like me.

    I obsess. I overanalyze. I get caught up in my head. I dwell on things I should let go. I can never simply go with the flow. I have to learn to be laid back. Maybe then you’ll like me. 

    I’m shy. I’m anxious. I’m dependent on reassurance. I ask for advice way too much. I look for validation as a crutch. I have to be more confident. Maybe then you’ll like me.

    Day in, day out, plotting away—that’s how I spent my life. I didn’t like who I was, so I hoped you’d do it for me.

    If only you’d tell me I was okay. If only you’d confirm that I didn’t have to change. If only you’d give me permission to be myself. Maybe then I’d like me.

    It’s what led to more than a decade of self-torture.

    I’d cut myself to feel relief and create a physical representation of the pain I feared no one else could see.

    I’d stuff myself with food to the point of bursting, then hide myself away to purge it, up to thirteen times day.

    I’d curl up in my bed and cry for hours, hoping maybe my tears would wash away the most offensive parts of me.

    I remember once, when I was in a residential treatment center for bulimia, an art therapist asked me to draw a self-portrait.

    I drew a bag of vomit with me curled up inside. That was how I saw myself.

    I know why I grew into this needy, insecure person. I can trace the moments that, bit by bit, eroded my self-esteem and caused me to question my worth.

    But it doesn’t really matter why I learned to feel so small and insignificant. What matters is how I learned to tame the fears that once imprisoned me.

    Notice I wrote tame, not destroy. For some of us, the fearful thinking never fully goes away.

    I have never seen myself as a before and after picture, because it’s never felt black and white to me.

    There wasn’t a distinct turning point when my life went from painfully dark to light.

    It’s been a slow but steady process of cleaning layers of grime from the lens through which I view myself—and sometimes, just after chipping away a massive piece of dirt, I catch a splash of mud in the spot that was briefly pristine.

    I live, day in and day out, in a messy mind that, despite my best efforts, has never been fully polished.

    But it’s far clearer now than it once was, and I have the tools to clean it a little every day—and to accept the times when I simply must embrace that it’s still dirty.

    Perhaps you can relate to the lost, lonely younger me, desperately seeking approval. Or perhaps you’ve come a long way, but you still struggle with confidence every now and then.

    Maybe you sometimes feel like a fraud because you’re human and imperfect.

    Maybe you still want to fit in and belong—who doesn’t? We’re social creatures, and wired to seek community.

    But there’s a difference between looking for connection and looking for permission to be.

    There’s a difference between depending on people for support and depending on them for self-esteem.

    Here’s what’s helped me shift from seeking praise and approval to knowing I deserve love and support.

    Become aware of the layers of grime on your lens.

    You may see yourself as someone else once saw you, years ago when you were too young and impressionable to realize they weren’t viewing you clearly.

    Or perhaps your grime built up later in life, when people close to you projected their own issues onto you and convinced you that you were somehow lacking.

    Most likely, a combination of both led you to form a harsh, critical view of yourself, backed up by caked on beliefs, reinforced through consistent self-critical thoughts.

    Understand that, much like those other people, you are not seeing yourself clearly—or fairly.

    You may see small mistakes as evidence that you’re unworthy. You may interpret your challenges as proof that you’re incompetent. Neither of these things is true, and you don’t have to believe them.

    Learn how to clean your lens daily.

    While I wish I could say I know how to power wash that lens, I’ve yet to discover such a process. But I can tell you how I’ve slowly chipped away at the mud:

    Change your beliefs.

    Once you identify a limiting belief—such as I’m not lovable—you can start to change it by looking for evidence to support the opposite belief.

    Once upon a time I believed I was ugly. I truly believed my face was offensive when not covered in makeup, because I have light features.

    I know where this belief came from—when I was a kid, someone told me light-skinned blonds are homely. And because this person valued physical appearance, and I desperately wanted them to accept me, I started caking on layers of paint.

    Over the years I’ve met people with varied looks who I found to be incredibly beautiful, and it had nothing to do with the color of their skin, eyebrows, or eyes.

    It had to do with the light in their eyes and the joy behind their smile.

    I, too, possess the capacity to shine from within and exude joy. More importantly, I feel good about myself when I access my inner spark, and how I feel about myself matters far more than what I look like.

    Challenge your thoughts.

    While you can identify evidence to support a new belief, it’s likely you’ll get stuck in engrained thought patterns from time to time. It’s a process, not a one-time choice.

    My mind will occasionally formulate reasons I am not good enough.

    You aren’t where you should be professionally.
    You didn’t respond to that conflict wisely.
    You reacted too emotionally.  

    As often as I can, I catch these thoughts and challenge them with compassion:

    There’s nowhere you should be professionally—and you’ve done a lot more than you give yourself credit for.
    You could have responded better to that conflict, but that’s okay; this is an opportunity for growth.
    You reacted emotionally, but that’s okay too—you’re not a robot. And at least you’re self-aware enough to recognize when there’s room for improvement.

    You may not catch every self-critical thought, but over time you’ll catch more and more, and tiny bits of progress add up.

    Slow your thoughts. 

    It’s all well and good to challenge thoughts, but if they’re coming at you like baseballs from a pitching machine, you’ll probably end up feeling too overwhelmed to be effective.

    I’ve come up with a list of mindfulness practices that help me find relief from my loud, persistent inner monologue. These are the ones I’ve found most effective:

    • Five minutes of traditional meditation or deep breathing
    • A five to ten minute walk, focusing on my senses and the experience of being in nature
    • A yoga class or five to ten minutes of deep stretching, synced with my breath
    • Listening to music (on YouTube) with subliminal messages for confidence
    • A repetitive creative outlet, like crocheting
    • Anything that gets me into a state of flow, like dancing

    Take a little time every day to clear your thoughts, and it will be a lot easier to tame the fear-based voice that makes you feel bad about yourself.

    Change for the right reasons.

    With all this talk about accepting yourself and taming the voice that makes you feel unworthy and dependent on approval, you may assume you should never again strive to change.

    When I considered that possibility, I came up against a lot of internal resistance. But it wasn’t because I felt I needed to become someone else to be lovable. It was because I realized growth provides me with a sense of possibility and purpose.

    In much the same way I wouldn’t berate my child, if I had one, for having more to learn, I didn’t have to motivate change from a place of self-disgust; instead, I could encourage myself to continually grow into a stronger, wiser version of myself.

    I could regularly identify areas for improvement without concluding I needed to change because I was intrinsically flawed.

    If you’re not sure how to tell the difference between change rooted in shame and change rooted in self-love, ask yourself: Do I want to make this change because I know I deserve the results, or because I fear I’m not good enough unless I do this?

    Take power back from others.

    I still want you to like me. I do. I want you to think I’m witty, and funny, and wise, and interesting, and worthy of your attention.

    But these days I focus a little more on you and a little less on your approval. I think back to times when you were witty, and funny, and wise, and interesting, and I’m grateful that I get to give you my attention.

    And if you don’t feel the same about me, well, it can hurt. On days when I’m at my strongest, I’ll acknowledge the pain and let it run through me.

    Then I’ll remind myself that I can like me even if you don’t. Because that’s what happens when you learn to view yourself through a clearer, more compassionate lens: You start seeing how lovable and wonderful you really are.

    I am imperfect in so many ways. I’ve made more mistakes than I can remember or count. I have struggles that I sometimes think I should have completely overcome.

    But I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been beaten down. And I’ve risen up every time. I’ve kept playing my hand when it would have been easier to fold. I’ve learned and grown when it would have been easier to stagnate.

    I am no longer ashamed of where I’ve been; I’m proud of the journey through it.

    I am no longer ashamed of being imperfect; I’m proud that I’m brave enough to own it, and humble enough to continually grow.

    That shift in perception has helped me accept that you may or may not accept me.

    I’m going to show you who I am, in every moment when I find the strength and courage to be authentic. Maybe then you’ll like me. And if you don’t, it might hurt, but that’s okay. Because I’m going to love myself through it.

  • When We Hold onto Relationships That Hurt Us

    When We Hold onto Relationships That Hurt Us

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown

    Human beings are genetically programmed to desire love. Embraces are as important to us as food and water.

    Perhaps that’s why when we find someone—the wrong someone—we’re often too blind to see it.

    We feel it and yet we hide it away, write it off as an odd case of commitment phobia or just a hiccup in our new relationship, oblivious to the fact that were heading into a future of sleepless nights, constant worrying, and consistent phone checking.

    Even when every hidden fiber within us tells us to walk away, we stay.

    I recently experienced something similar. We first met back in high school, different people from completely different worlds. He was the guy that had all the friends; I was shy and quiet.

    Fast forward five years and we meet again. This time he’s in pre-law and I’m a writer trying to figure out her calling.

    We meet for drinks, coffee, a movie here and there, and before you know it we’re walking hand in hand. I’ve met his friends, his parents, even his grandparents. To someone on the outside, this looks like something every healthy couple would do, except we weren’t healthy—far from it.

    He always had his phone, and yet my texts remained unanswered. He only wanted to hang out on occasional evenings, routinely made plans without following through on them, was never where he said he was, yet still referred to me as his girlfriend when we met someone he knew.

    He was a guy that sucked at communicating, and I was the girl that needed it.

    He was physical, I emotional. He wanted convenience; I wanted something that swept me off my feet.

    It was a relationship doomed from the start; I was just too stubborn to see it.

    I would find myself constantly asking for advice, yet always heard the same thing over and over. Get out of there. Leave. My excuses remained the same. He works all day. He’s busy. I just wasn’t ready to admit the truth to myself. Ignorance at its finest.

    Even when I had the courage to bring up the things that bothered me, somehow he’d challenge all my worries. “I’m just not a texter,” he’d say. “I prefer conversations face to face.” Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that response. It was the dishonesty I felt behind it.

    I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship, yet he’d confirm that we were. He seemed to know exactly what to say to get me to stay.

    I couldn’t see that I was the only one putting in the effort. I made sure I was always there for him when he needed me, listened to him, even surprised him at work with coffee, putting myself out there, hoping that he would one day reciprocate.

    He only talked about himself during our conversations, and when it came time for me to share, he seemed distant and uninterested in what came out of my mouth.

    He was bound to a different city in the fall, and with his lack of communicating there was a deep nagging feeling that it was only a short time before I had my heart broken again.

    I had wanted a relationship to work out so bad that I had chosen to ignore all the warning signs that this one wasn’t right.

    Even when he left for a month and I suspected he’d cheat on me, I still stayed. Why? I could only draw one conclusion: I had been treated like that so many times before, I expected it. And I believed it was all I had to look forward to.

    Though I tried to explain to myself that I deserved so much better, I wasn’t willing to hear it.

    But one day I surprised myself. I became more independent. I began to pull away from him. His texts would go unanswered for hours; my obedience to go to him whenever he called began to wane.

    I stopped initiating conversations and instead sat back and began to enjoy all the things I had ignored. I made a list of things I had always wanted to do and did them. It kept my mind off things and opened my eyes to the truth.

    As the time passed, I would like to think, he became the one that needed me; he had just realized it too late.

    I questioned whether or not he had treated me that way because he knew I would always be there for him; then, when I no longer was, he wanted that same caring person back. Had I been nothing but a convenience for him the entire time? I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

    When it came time for me to explain, my answer was simple: My gut knew it wasn’t going to work from day one, but falling head over heels for him at first, I chose to ignore it.

    I guess I just wanted so badly for things to work out I didn’t bother to think about how unhappy I was; I chose to mask all hurt with a small smile and laughter.

    Life can be confusing and cruel sometimes, but a fantasy can’t hide the truth, no matter how badly you want it to.

    No one deserves to be pushed to sidelines, to feel like second best. If there’s something telling you to stay away, if even the smallest of your radars begin to go off, walk away.

    Leave knowing that you dodged a barrage of emotional bullets instead of realizing you had to fight to keep your head afloat to keep from drowning.

    If someone wants to be in your life, you shouldn’t have to change anything about yourself to keep them.

    If they are willing to get to know you, they will. Period. All the wrong people may step into your life, and each one will no doubt leave their own emotional scars, but when the right one comes? You’ll know. You’ll feel it.

    I was lucky enough to have a best friend who stuck by me even when I chose to ignore all her warnings. When I finally realized my mistake, she simply smiled and asked if I wanted to watch the newest horror movie.

    Friends like that are so important to have in your life. Coming from a hopeless romantic who prefers books and writing to real people, this was hard to admit.

    I can only say that when another man comes around I’ll be taking it slow.

    For all the friends out there, even if you don’t agree, just be with them for every upsetting phone call and annoyed text. Your non-judgmental support might just be the reason they realize they could have something better.

    We all need to learn for ourselves in order to truly grow. Even as much as we would like to save someone from the heartache they will no doubt experience, we need to take a step back, wait, and console them when they need it.

    To the boys and or girls reading, realize what you have while you have it, because there’s nothing worse than finding out when it’s too late.

  • 9 Tips for Anyone Who Dates Emotionally Unavailable People

    9 Tips for Anyone Who Dates Emotionally Unavailable People

    “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” ~Maya Angelou

    After having been a rebound girl the summer of 2013, I swore I would never get involved with another emotionally unavailable man who had baggage and was a poor communicator.

    I thought I was a pro at all of the tell tale signs. Until I met X in 2015.

    He came on very strong in the beginning, telling me he deleted his dating app after our first date, that he turned down other dates because he didn’t want to waste time with other girls, and showed me in more ways than one that I was his priority.

    Things were too good to be true.

    Things were at the height of our relationship, and I use this word loosely because it really wasn’t a relationship.

    After a heavy night of drinking he confessed that he was scared to get into another relationship because he associates them with pain and feeling trapped. He admitted that he puts up walls, shuts down, and he just couldn’t bear to go through another breakup again.

    We hadn’t even made it official and he was talking about breaking up. He told me he didn’t want to lose me, nor did he want his baggage to ruin what we had. He would give this a try.

    This lasted for all of about twenty-four hours when he ended it. Poof. Gone.

    Sucker punch to the gut.

    How can someone do a 180 overnight? It dawned on me that he probably had one foot out the door the entire time. Why did I, yet again, get ahead of myself and trust someone that I barely knew?

    When I saw him on a dating site six weeks after the split (after him telling me earlier that he didn’t want to see other people; he just wasn’t ready for a relationship), I panicked.

    I confronted him about it and he took no accountability for ending things the way he did. He has convinced himself that he is being honest with me. He became hostile and angry that I contacted him.

    I came to realize he will find another awesome girl and do the same thing to her to fill his void of being alone

    Lather. Rinse. Repeat

    I sent myself in to a six-week black hole, and I will never get those six weeks back. I always thought of myself as someone who had high self-esteem, but I began questioning why I was upset over someone who shut me out so intensely and quickly.

    Why was I upset about someone whose opinion of me, quite frankly, doesn’t matter? The people whose opinions matter are the ones who have actually stood by me through thick and thin.

    Here’s what I learned through my pain:

    1. Don’t put someone on a pedestal.

    They are not perfect and you will always be disappointed if you continue to do so.

    2. Take time to get to know someone before jumping to conclusions about your future.

    It’s through tough times when you get to know someone the most, not when things are good.

    3. Trust your gut instincts.

    Even if he or she seems to be doing everything “right,” sometimes you need to trust your gut and use your head.

    4. You will be okay.

    I have gone through this before, and I will go through heartache again. Each time I pick up the pieces of my broken heart I learn a little bit more about who I am, what I deserve, and what I am capable of giving someone. I can rest my head each night knowing I stayed true to myself, and you can too.

    5. You can’t fix anyone.

    I have learned this many times, the hard way. Trying to fix someone else chips away at your soul. Worry about yourself and let them figure themselves out when they are ready.

    6. Just because a romantic relationship failed, that doesn’t mean you are a failure.

    I look at the many healthy relationships I have in my life with friends, family, and coworkers, who choose to be in my life and are always there for me. I don’t want to be in anyone’s life that doesn’t want me in it.

    7. Don’t apologize for having feelings.

    I truly believe being able to express emotions is a sign of strength, not weakness. Anyone who is incapable of accepting or reciprocating feelings is missing out on one of the most rewarding gifts in life.

    8. Don’t ignore red flags.

    Looking back, I saw the flags and never raised questions because my heart was in too deep. I would have saved myself a lot of time if I had the confidence to speak up.

    9. Be upfront early on about what you want.

    If the other person is intimidated or scared and runs away, better early on then months or years down the road. Don’t assume they feel the same way as you do.

    I have so much to offer, and you do too. But some people just aren’t open to receiving it. So long as we’re willing to acknowledge that and move on, we’ll find the love we’re looking for.

  • 7 Reasons Your Breakup Is A Beautiful Thing

    7 Reasons Your Breakup Is A Beautiful Thing

    Woman Sitting Alone

    “Watch for big problems. They disguise big opportunities.” ~Ritu Ghatourey

    After many years of being the “dumper” in the relationship, I then spent many years being the “dumpee.”

    Even after I had worked through all of that karma that I had instilled upon myself, when it came time for my last breakup, it was finally a mutual decision. Still, it left me feeling lost and incomplete.

    I had never felt happier with any other man, and at the same time, I knew I deserved better. We both loved each other so much, but we found ourselves growing apart.

    It took a long time and a lot of healing in order to begin to function again, and to fill my life with love again. Except this time, the love came in a different form. It came in the form of loving myself.

    Along the way, I learned that a breakup can be a beautiful thing. Here’s why:

    1. You get space to analyze what went wrong.

    Without your partner around, you can look at the relationship as a whole.

    Notice how you contributed to it, which can be difficult to see at first. For example, maybe you got angry because he stopped calling as frequently, and you let him know it. And when he finally did call, perhaps you expressed your anger again rather than praising him for calling.

    Maybe she became more distant, and yet even with this factor, there is room for improvement with communication on both sides.

    After some time, look to see how you can improve yourself or make wiser decisions the next time around.

    2. It gives you space to fully heal you.

    Normally we spend our times healing from relationships we have had with specific people. But if we take the time to look at the bigger picture, we can look to see if there’s a certain pattern that keeps repeating.

    Are you dating women who remind you of your ex? Have you given yourself enough time to get over the last guy? Do you tend to date a certain type of person?

    Whatever it is, we now have an opportunity to fully heal that wounded and sometimes buried part of ourselves that’s causing the repeating behavior (or repeating bad boy), so that we enter the next relationship more whole and happy.

    3. It gives you time to take up a new hobby.

    I know there is something you’ve been yearning to try. Maybe you’ve thought about it every day for three years, or maybe you have forgotten about it. Remember it.

    What is it? Is it kickboxing? Cooking? Learning Italian? Finally having the time to read more? Play poker? Exploring your city? Exploring nature? Learn astrophysics? What is it? Give yourself the time to do that.

    4. It creates space for more risk-taking.

    Without having to worry about your partner’s reaction to something, you can go all out and do what you want. You can make bold choices just for you.

    Maybe give yourself that haircut that you’ve been wanting, but that your ex said he would hate. Or paint your nails with crazy patterns. Go all out and watch how your attitude shifts.

    5. Now you have more time to get in touch with your creative side.

    Creativity will add so much fun to your life. When you are creative, your soul thanks you. What could you do to get more in touch with your creative side?

    Maybe you’ve wanted to paint a mural of a monkey in your bedroom. Or do you have the perfect app that you’ve been meaning to create which will be so stellar you’ll be rolling in cash? What about that book you’ve been meaning to write? Or the flute you’ve been meaning to learn how to play? Well, now’s your chance! Get out there and go for it!

    6. Reconnect with old friends, and make new friends.

    This is a chance to go out and be more social than you’ve ever been. You may not feel like it right away; however, I can guarantee it is a fabulous distraction, and puts you in a position to move forward with your life.

    You never know who you could meet. You could have a new best friend by going out the one time you don’t feel like it, or you could meet your next business partner.

    These are people whom you may have never connected with, but by you taking that step and putting yourself out there, you are doing so much benefit for yourself. Your results will be better than you imagined.

    7. You now have a chance to “up your game” in your career.

    What does your career need from you, and how could you advance? Now you have more time to take on that extra project that leads to your promotion, or to finally start your new part-time catering or graphic design business on the side. Where could that take you? You’ll never know until you take that first step.

    —

    Although a breakup might seem devastating, in many ways it can be seen as a blessing. Something wasn’t working out, or wasn’t in alignment with your greatest and highest interest—even if it seemed like it, and even if you can’t see it that way right now.

    Allow yourself an appropriate amount of time to mourn your loss. After all, it is a major life change when you breakup with your partner. Once you are through mourning, the fog begins to clear.

    The universe loves to fill gaps. So as long as we fill our gaps with positive things, rather than negative ones, our lives can improve. We can learn the lessons and learn to accept the reality, and ultimately improve both ourselves and our livelihoods long-term.

    Woman sitting alone image via Shutterstock

  • A Tiny Act of Kindness Can Help Someone in a Big Way

    A Tiny Act of Kindness Can Help Someone in a Big Way

    No Act of Kindness Is Wasted

    I started working in the food industry when I was just twelve years old.

    I couldn’t drive, stay out past 11:00pm, or do algebra, but I could easily fill a bag with bagels at a business owned by a close family friend. And so I did, every weekend.

    It was a simple job, working the dozen counter. I didn’t even have to ask people how many they wanted (thirteen, a baker’s dozen—that’s just good business!) I only had to ask what kind they wanted, then hand it to them, make change, and send them off with a “Have a nice day!”

    I tried, as often as I could, to stay neatly tucked behind the register, but every now and then someone asked me to help with something unrelated to my one responsibility.

    I knew it would reflect poorly on the business—and would erode my self-esteem—if I responded to those requests with, “I don’t know how to do that—I’m just a kid,” so I often tried to do things I’d never been trained to do. Like make coffee.

    Sounds easy, right? It should have been. Except I didn’t know the commercial coffee maker wouldn’t light up after I hit the “twelve cups” button, to register that it was, in fact, brewing. So I hit that button five times, flooding the coffee island in the middle of the restaurant.

    I remember the angry looks on customers’ faces, and I remember feeling both embarrassed and bad about myself. I’d failed at a simple job, and people weren’t happy with me.

    That kind of thing happened a lot, and not just when I worked at the bagel shop.

    A couple years later I worked with a few friends at a dinner theater fundraiser for my community theater group.

    We all wanted to raise money to do Grease, and we thought serving would be good practice for adulthood, when we’d likely wait tables between endless rejections (at least, that’s what I thought). So we were eager to work the event.

    Even though there wasn’t a coffee maker in sight (I didn’t have to go too deep into the kitchen) once again things went less than smoothly.

    Since the cooks were amateurs too, it took a while to get all the food prepared and plated. As table by table received their heaping piles of pasta, the patrons in my section appeared to get a little antsy. So I worried, once again, that they were annoyed and angry with me.

    When their food was finally ready, I loaded it all onto one massive tray so no one would have to wait a second longer for their saucy carbs, and then hoisted the tray above my head.

    I made it just a few feet shy of the table before it all came crashing down. On me.

    I’m not sure if it was the sight of me fighting back tears or the knowledge that I was only fourteen, but the patrons didn’t act annoyed. In fact, they got up and helped me clean the mess.

    I was amazed that they weren’t infuriated, especially knowing they’d have to wait even longer to eat. They were patient, kind, and giving, as I learned at the end of the night when a man slipped a twenty in my hand and said, “You did a good job—thanks!”

    He was lying, I knew, as I cleaned sauce out of my hair, but it didn’t matter. These people didn’t focus on what I’d done wrong. They saw how I’d struggled and they chose to respond with understanding and compassion.

    In doing so, they helped me show myself understanding and compassion—yet one more thing I haven’t always done well.

    I’ve reflected on this experience many times over the years when I’ve encountered servers or workers in other businesses who’ve done less than stellar jobs, and I’ve tried to show them the same kindness a group of strangers once showed me.

    They may not all be minors with tears in their eyes and spaghetti in their hair, but they are, no doubt, hard working people who are carrying a lot around—and I don’t just mean their trays.

    They all have struggles, and dreams, and goals, and responsibilities, and they too could benefit from someone showing them patience, kindness, and understanding if they’re a little slow or less than friendly.

    I’m not saying it’s not reasonable to expect good service, just that the world is a better place when we see people beyond their nametags, and visualize everyone as a kid who truly is doing their best.

    As you may have seen on the site or Tiny Buddha’s social media pages, I recently wrote a book titled Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges (on sale October 6th), with the help of seventy Tiny Buddha contributors, that shares numerous stories just like this.

    Reading through these stories reminded me how similar we all really are.

    We’re all a little scared and a little rough around the edges.

    We’re all looking for love, support, acceptance, and appreciation.

    And we can all get and give these things every day, one tiny act at a time.

    I’ve seen the power of tiny acts of kindness, forgiveness, and acceptance countless times in my own life, and as the title suggests, I’ve created 365 of these small acts that we can all do, including this one from the seventh month:

    Be patient and understanding with people who serve you, especially if they have a lot of customers to tend to.

    It may seem like a tiny thing, but sometimes the tiny things are the big things.

    Empathizing instead of criticizing is a big thing. Getting up to help instead of sitting back and judging is a big thing.

    And it’s big things like these that help us all feel seen, appreciated, and loved—and far happier for it.

    Kindness quote image via Shutterstock (attribution: Aesop)

  • How to Mend a Broken Friendship (Even if You’re Not on Speaking Terms)

    How to Mend a Broken Friendship (Even if You’re Not on Speaking Terms)

    Two Friends

    “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Teresa

    I kept thinking about how many years had passed by. Did I really waste four years by not contacting my best friend?

    You see, I had a falling out with my close cousin. Growing up together since childhood, we became best friends—more like brothers through the years.

    That was until we had a huge disagreement. We didn’t speak for what seemed like forever.

    Admittedly, I was the one to blame. Though at that time, I didn’t see it that way.

    When someone means a lot to you and then disappears, it leaves this huge void in your life—and possibly all because you couldn’t admit any wrongdoing. It’s something you can’t sweep under the rug so easily.

    During that time, I wondered what he was up to. Should I try to contact him? It had been so long, I didn’t know if I should even try any longer.

    Sometimes we take a sole stand, even if it’s against close friends. Maybe we won’t budge because we know we’re right (or refuse to admit we’re wrong). And if we can’t make sense of it all, maybe we wonder if we should let it be.

    After four long years, our paths crossed once again. I heard he wanted to get in touch with me. I felt the same and was eager to finally meet up and talk in person.

    It just so happened he also wondered how I was and what I was up to. After our talk, it’s like we never lost a beat. We took some time to bring ourselves up to speed, but we ultimately fixed our friendship.

    Reflecting on my experiences taught me some valuable lessons about how to fix friendships. These may work for you too, if you apply them wholeheartedly:

    1. Let the dust settle first.

    If the argument was recent, allow some time for the psychological wounds to heal. If you do anything now, you may cause more harm than good.

    Tempers flared, and hurtful things were said. Let both of you gain your senses first and reflect on what happened.

    If you get back into the mix too soon before you’ve both had a chance to cool off, you risk experiencing a repeat episode of the same argument.

    Time is your ally, so wait a while.

    2. Purge your frustrations.

    Frustrations can and will arise from time to time, so you’ll need an outlet to release stress and keep them from accumulating. Otherwise, they may undermine your good intentions.

    Sometimes you’ll feel the need to vent and validate your hurt feelings, and that’s okay. It’s not healthy to hold your feelings in and pretend you’re okay, so vent away.

    But at the same time, don’t badmouth your friend to anyone who’ll listen. Instead. Limit your diatribe to just one person you can confide in and trust.

    It’s actually about working through your feelings. Talking out loud about your frustrations not only can make you feel better but can also give you more focus and perspective in the rebuilding process.

    3. Give your ego a break.

    An ego may have good and bad parts, but one thing’s for certain:

    The ego is a projection of how we want people to see us. Sometimes, we go out of our way to protect this projection, but this costs us, because we often don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

    When attempting reconciliation, both your egos are just additional obstacles both of you have to bore through to make meaningful communication between your pure selves.

    Remove any defensiveness you’re harboring and open your heart, exposing your vulnerability.

    Face your fear of unpredictability even if you don’t know if your friend will accept or reject you.

    Keep in mind that your friend needs to vent as well; you must mentally prepare yourself to listen to whatever opinions are thrown your way.

    Lastly, be mindful not to criticize, judge, or complain. These will definitely close the doors to communication. Be sure to keep an open mind.

    Your goal, by withdrawing your ego, is to get your friend to withdraw their ego as well and open up, thus removing barriers in order to reconnect.

    4. Don’t be afraid to reach out first.

    Get over that initial hump. It’s not as difficult as it appears.

    Want to email them? Don’t be afraid to push that send button. That button won’t bite you back.

    Afraid they won’t reply to you? You haven’t spoken to them for a while anyway, so what’s to fear?

    Be fearless, take the leap, and go for it. Go ahead and find a way to contact them. Believe me, you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose, because your current situation can’t get any worse.

    5. End the blame game once and for all.

    Still figuring out who’s to blame? That means you’re still dwelling in the past.

    Blaming something on anyone brings back up your fighting stance. Definitely counterproductive in fixing any relationship.

    Accept the situation for what it is even if it doesn’t make any sense at the moment.

    No one’s perfect in this world, and the last thing you want to do is stir the proverbial pot when trying to fix your friendship.

    Find a way to climb on top of that and gain the advantage of seeing over your obstacles.

    6. Visualize forgiveness before you utter a single word.

    Whatever wrongdoings your friend has committed against you, picture yourself forgiving them, and envision those misdeeds dissolving into nothingness. Let this mindset envelope your soul right before you speak.

    It’s like a golfer visualizing the ball moving through the green into the hole. He has his predetermined path planned in his head leading to his goal. All this visualization before he’s even putted the ball.

    By foreseeing your goal, you’ve already set the right tone from the get-go.

    Whatever the outcome, good or bad, you want your friend to know your intentions originated from peace, not hate.

    7. Apologize for your part in what happened.

    Saying sorry not only eases their pain but also shows that you’re giving a peace offering to the other side.

    Even if you don’t feel you’re at fault, please know you still had some part to play in the fight.

    Say sorry for anything incidental. For example, you took so long to contact them, or you weren’t able to hear their side of it.

    8. Avoid asking “Why?”

    Why is a tiny three-letter word that can cause more damage than good. When asking “Why?” you’re pretty much pinning them in a corner and making them feel trapped.

    It’s like saying, “Explain yourself; you’re guilty!” They’ll get defensive, shut down, or stay silent.

    You can change the question around so that it shows you care rather than appear demanding. Instead of asking, “Why did you act like that?” say, “Did I do anything that made you feel like you had to defend yourself?”

    Asking it this way seems less confrontational and more inquisitive.

    9. Avoid trying to force reciprocity.

    If they’re the perpetrator, don’t feel entitled to an apology, and don’t fish for feedback.

    Expecting something brings your ego back into play. It may cause unnecessary tension and create false expectations that can hinder any improvement.

    Also, it’s possible they may never come around and may never be sorry at all. This is about unconditional love by giving only from your point of view, so it’s best to not expect anything in return.

    If they truly wish to make it work, they’ll come around to explain their reasoning and let you know they’re sorry.

    Doing it this way allows them to learn and grow themselves.

    10. Be prepared to move on.

    This is all about creating peace. However, if after all that you’ve done it does not come to fruition, don’t despair. Know in your heart that you’ve taken the initiative and freed yourself from guilt.

    Why? Because you did everything you could possibly do. Now the ball is in their court.

    Don’t burn any bridges and keep that door open to friendship, but use your best judgment. If you’re treated horribly or abused, after all of your best intentions, then it would be in your best interests to close that door.

    Make That Friendship Even Stronger Than Before

    The positive thing coming out of breaking and fixing a friendship is that both of you know each of your boundaries once you have crossed them.

    It’s like playing with fire and getting burned.

    You now know what not to cross, but at the same time, you’ll have a closer connection from having experienced it. A deeper understanding you couldn’t get any other way.

    Your fixed relationship is sort of like an irreplaceable, cracked heirloom vase carefully glued back together. It may not look the same as it did before, but you can still value it for what it is and fully embrace it for what it represents.

    One thing that I know for sure: if you value this friendship, the time you lose with them can never, ever be replaced. Life is short, and the clock is ticking.

    Get the ball rolling. Make a conscious choice now. Remember, you have nothing to lose and only a friend to gain.

    Friends image via Shutterstock

  • Authenticity May Feel Risky But It’s Worth It

    Authenticity May Feel Risky But It’s Worth It

    You Were Born to Be Real

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown

    Growing up I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I would be on top of the world and the next I felt overwhelmed by anxiety. I didn’t know how to share my difficult emotions in a healthy way with my friends and family, so I started suppressing them instead.

    I realized early on that it felt safe to hide my feelings, because no one could judge me if I kept them to myself. I believed that emotions were a sign of weakness, and there was a reward for keeping it together—I never rocked the boat, and everything around me remained peaceful.

    But I learned that you can’t trade authenticity for safety and expect to stay true to who you are at the core.

    Although it seemed like I was protecting myself, suppressing everything erected walls around my heart and reinforced the belief that it was not safe to share my genuine feelings with anyone else.

    As a result, I started having issues with food, and it soon turned into an eating disorder and resulted in anxiety and depression.

    Rather than being truly authentic with others, I became strategic; everything I said or did was a thought-out plan to gain acceptance. Being truly authentic with others was just too risky.

    I’ve since learned that we cannot truly experience the benefits of a relationship if we are not authentic. To fully feel the love and connection we all yearn for, we have to show people who we really are.

    As I let go of what others thought I should be, feel, and say, I started becoming more authentic with those I trusted most. And as I shared feelings that felt risky to expose, the people who truly cared about me received them with love rather than judgment, and those relationships got stronger.

    Other times, I shared my true feelings and learned I couldn’t trust certain people with them. I had to let go of some relationships because they were holding me back from being my true self. Although not easy, this was necessary in order for me to evolve and grow.

    Authenticity connects us. It is a great gift we give to another person when we let them see behind any masks or the walls of emotional armor.

    Even more so, authenticity is a priceless gift we give to ourselves.

    How do we become authentic in our relationships?

    Begin practicing authenticity with someone who will not judge you, advise you, or try to interrupt your process.

    This person can be a dear friend, family member, mentor, coach, or counselor, who will receive the gift of your authenticity with compassion.

    For me, it started with owning my own story and starting to share it with others. One of the first things I did was write a letter to one of my dearest friends telling her about my struggles, and she embraced all of it with love.

    Develop rituals.

    Rituals teach us to be disciplined and deliberate. Develop rituals that you will use daily to practice authenticity and let go of shame and guilt.

    The first two hours of each day are for me. I exercise, journal, and on a good day, get some meditation in too.

    It allows me to set my intentions for the day, and to say thank you. It allows me to be exactly who I am with myself so that I can be the most authentic person with others. I love my time in the morning and ever since I started consistently doing this, my life has changed.

    Trust your intuition.

    That feeling in your gut that tells you what is right and wrong. Not always easy to do when you’re fighting against the naysayers and those who can’t handle the most authentic you. Trust and follow it anyway.

    This has been a practice for me. I have not always been good at listening to my intuition for fear of standing up, rocking the boat, and being judged. I have learned that my gut is never wrong, and I now listen and trust.

    Forgive yourself.

    If you are holding onto something that isn’t allowing you to move forward, forgive yourself and let it go. Not forgiving yourself will keep you swimming in a swamp filled with your gremlins, and unable to experience healthy and happy relationships.

    I have made many mistakes in life. I followed the wrong crowd, I didn’t always do the right thing, and I held on to that guilt and shame for many years. It didn’t serve me.

    It wasn’t until I was able to forgive myself that I was finally free to move past the mistakes I had made. I was finally able to move forward and become my true authentic self and tell my story.

    Respect and value who you are.

    When you do, you set the standard for how others treat you. You have permission to be you—unapologetically and authentically you. To have strengths and weaknesses and know that those are what make you unique and amazing.

    The truth is that others will treat you with the same respect you show yourself. I didn’t believe I was worthy of having healthy relationships with people who valued who I was, because I didn’t know how to value and love myself. I often sabotaged friendships and relationships with good people.

    When I started my healing journey and practiced self-love, meditation, and positive affirmations, I then started to believe that I was worthy of healthy relationships.

    Know that you are valued and needed by others.

    People need you, and the right people will value who you are and what you stand for when you are authentically you. The world needs to hear your story.

    My healing process started when I shared my story and spoke my truth.

    I learned that it was okay to be vulnerable and authentic. There are people who related to what I had gone through and were inspired and grateful that I could share. It allowed them to be okay with sharing their story and start their own healing journey.

    —

    Just like most skills in life, with practice your ability to recognize and tolerate emotions and be authentically you will improve. Increased self-awareness is the key to having successful, long-lasting, authentic relationships.

  • The Key to Freedom: Minding Your Own Business

    The Key to Freedom: Minding Your Own Business

    Freedom

    “The day you stop racing is the day you win the race.” ~Bob Marley

    Let me take you back to the beginning of my day, how I used to do it.

    Flicking through my Facebook newsfeed, clicking on profiles, scrolling through comments, monitoring social interactions, checking how many likes my last post or profile picture got. Then I’m going to my therapist, to talk about how worthless my own life is, how inadequate I feel.

    I’m not saving the world, pursuing my passion, making friends, or traveling. Neither am I getting married or engaged nor having children—and I do not have a clue what the heck I even think about all of these prospects, whether I even want them.

    I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I hate my life and my own weakness for not taking control of this pathetic situation.

    The smiling faces on my social media page grin down at me like clown masks in some perturbed haunted house in a nightmare. I ask myself, why am I taking their happiness so personally?

    We can’t seem to escape comparison. We seem to be enmeshed in it, entangled in it, trapped and suffocated by it. We can’t seem to understand who we are or where we are in life without looking around us to compare our position.

    Somewhere inside us we believe that if we can gain all the information that we can through comparing ourselves to those ‘better than us,’ maybe we will find the key to that elusive happiness, which comes only from the confidence that we are good enough.

    If we keep on social media stalking those who are living the lives of our dreams, maybe we will pick up on that thing that makes them so different from us—so much ‘better.’

    I believe we aren’t after their lives so much as what we perceive is their ease. As much as the freedom they ooze, or the contentment they display, we want their happiness. We forget that most people only display the highlight reels of their lives on the Internet.

    In fact, I used to tell myself that we create ourselves, and I tried to make myself a collage of all the people that I admired—Beyoncé included.

    I told myself, that I didn’t have any preferences. I treated myself as a blank canvas, and by that I mean I slowly rubbed out anything that came from within, without reason or logic, and replaced it with everything I was attracted to externally, like a magpie.

    The noise I was letting in from outside was torturing. And deafening.

    When the toxic concoction of low self-esteem, ambition, insecurity, and unfavorable self-comparison escalates, you may get depressed, as I did.

    My former way of life (in combination with a complex range of other factors) made me ill. While everyone is different, I realized, for me, the key to recovering my mental health was to supplement professional help and therapy with a radical simplifying of my life.

    Today, I wake up in the morning and open my eyes, taking a good look around at where I am, noticing a kitten asleep at my feet. I talk with my sister who I share a room with; we both get dressed for work, joking and teasing the other on our rushed fashion choices.

    I look out of my open attic window and smell the fresh crisp air, watching the stillness of the tree-lined street against a backdrop of rolling green hills, before the storm of traffic and rush hour.

    I get changed and choose my clothes. I pick out a book for my short commute to a digital marketing agency where I work as copywriter. I walk to work lightly, observing my surroundings and feeling life flow through me, a dull vibration at every step.

    I sit on a seat on the public bus as children get on with their parents, gossiping and teasing amongst each other. My mind is still, and I feel strangely alone—but alone in my own company. I am with myself.

    I am whole. How curious. What changed? Very little, externally. I unplugged from the noise around me and started to mind my own business.

    It happened one day, quietly, and I found it made my thoughts less erratic, my mind less split and divided. I didn’t force myself to come off social media; I knew I was way too stubborn and addicted to do that. So I turned my attention, gently, not in distraction, to the present moment instead.

    I peeked out of the quicksand that is an obsession with comparison and self-deprecation, and asked myself out of curiosity, what’s going on in my own life?

    I looked around and thought: this is it. Your dreams haven’t come true yet, and your past is filled with soreness. But there is no escape from that which you consider to be a hellhole, this is your life.

    And you are living it.

    Then a curious thing happened. I allowed any pain to pass through me like water in my hands. I processed the beauty in the same way, and I felt a part of life. Like life itself, in fact.

    I realized that I wasn’t in a hellhole at all. Relentless clinging to my thoughts, obsessions, and desperate escapes from life—resistance—had made it so. And all I had to do to be free was let go.

    Don’t worry, minding your own business doesn’t mean ignoring everyone else’s existence. But it does mean you get to control how you give and what you give, so that it is conscious, not masochistic martyrdom.

    Rather than thinking, I should travel abroad and save all those poor unfortunate souls less privileged than I (which is escapist, and also patronizing, and also doesn’t tackle the issue at the root), I began to help my mother, my siblings, my friends and began to write and share work on poverty and mental illness, as these were my most immediate experiences.

    Everyone has a different path, of course, and this is only one route, which brought me peace.

    I decided to pay attention to my existence, seeing as it was the only thing I had, after all.

    And, I started to really see the things around me, like the dust on the corners of my floorboards, and the hundreds of books I’d bought and piled up in desperation for some kind of knowledge that might bring me certainty or security, thinking I should maybe arrange them in alphabetical order.

    I would barely acknowledge these tiny details of living when I was caught up in the whirlwind of my mind—and now they grounded me in a stillness that calmed me.

    I was able to let myself live and feel worthy of the miracle of existence, with all its highs and lows. Above all, I felt a gorgeous freedom, liberating, vast and expansive, allowing me to have fun with curiosity, gratitude, and peace.

    I told myself I would enjoy the days I had, as I passed through this world, just like everyone else was also passing through. By freeing myself every day, and indeed every moment, from the limits of comparison, competition, chasing, and clinging, I began to mind my own business.

    We can all experience this freedom. We just have to choose to see life through our own eyes, by being present in the only moment that matters: this one.

    Free, happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Deathbed Regrets You Can Avoid by Making Changes Now

    10 Deathbed Regrets You Can Avoid by Making Changes Now

    Woman with Umbrella

    “While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.” ~Leonardo Da Vinci

    It’s terrifying, isn’t it?

    There you are—days, hours, maybe minutes remain in your life. You lie there helpless, searching for the strength to say your last goodbyes.

    You look back on your life. All the things you wish you’d done differently.

    As you continue to reminisce an overwhelming emotion comes rushing in, an emotion many are familiar with.

    Regret.

    You set the standards high for yourself. But now that it’s all said and done, more was always said than done.

    There’s no greater fear than leaving this world with our most important goals unfinished. Yet, with never ending hopes and dreams are we destined to live an incomplete life of mediocrity?

    Perhaps it doesn’t have to be that way.

    A New Perspective & Why You Should Burn Your Bucket List

    It’s human nature to desire more. No matter how much we accomplish, we’re wired to create new objectives to pursue.

    For most of my upbringing, I was obsessed with bucket lists. Mine had over 100 things I wanted to do. Anytime I managed to cross one off the list, I’d add ten more.

    The process was never ending and doomed for failure.

    During this time my grandfather passed away. It happened so fast I never got to say goodbye. It was my first experience of how quickly life comes and goes.

    I started thinking about when my time would come. Would it matter what my bucket list looked like on my deathbed?

    So I threw it out. Instead of thinking of what I wanted to do with my life, I started focusing on things I didn’t want to say about myself when it was time for me to go.

    That I was greedy, angry, or rude. That I didn’t care about others, or even myself.

    Death is scary. We can’t change that. But we have a chance to live fully right now—and we can do that by ensuring we don’t have to say these things at the end.

    1. I didn’t take care of my body.

    Your time will come much faster if you don’t take care of yourself.

    Smoking, excessive drinking, compulsive eating, sitting for too long—all these add up over time. Continuing bad habits encourages rapid aging and brings you closer to your final days.

    You can buy another car, a new house, and find another job, but you only get one body.

    If you want an abundance of breathtaking moments, you need a body that’s ready for the long haul.

    2. I let anger get the best of me.

    Anger is a natural emotion. We all experience it, and at times it’s perfectly justifiable. But we do ourselves a disservice if we let anger control us and sabotage our relationships.

    One of the best ways to address anger is to empathize with others and to understand why they did what they did.

    Being proactive and reflecting on the times you’re angry helps you to get to the root of what’s bothering you, allowing you to move on and go back to being happy.

    3. I spent my entire life in my comfort zone.

    There’s no bigger waste of your time than doing the same thing over and over waiting for something exciting to happen.

    Nothing exciting will happen if you don’t get out there and make something happen.

    Escaping the confinement of comfort is a struggle for anyone at first.

    But when you’re looking at your life as a whole, you’ll be proud if you don’t have to say the most unease you felt was choosing what to watch on Netflix to waste the night away.

    4. I spent too much time around toxic people.

    There comes a time when you must face the reality that not everyone you spend your time with is actually benefitting your well-being.

    People change, family members bring you down, and certain people just aren’t fun to be around.

    If you want to make the most of your time, it’s essential you minimize your time with people who drain you emotionally, disrespect you, or otherwise treat your poorly.

    If you think it’s rude to dismiss someone, look at it this way: When you stop spending time with people who aren’t positive additions to your life, you open yourself up to relationships with people who will uplift and support you.

    5. I didn’t stay in touch with family and friends.

    The other end of the spectrum is the people we love.

    Humans are biologically social creatures. We’re meant to be around others, especially the ones we care about most. There’s no sense in fighting the nature of humans because you’re too busy at the office.

    If this doesn’t seem pressing to you now, know that it may one day feel that way, when they’re gone and you realize you didn’t show them how much you loved them.

    6. I didn’t give as much as I took.

    It’s easy to forget that nothing tangible comes with us after we die.

    Once we’re gone, that’s it. Whatever you have gets left behind. So why do we spend valuable years of our lives taking rather than giving?

    Money is always the first to come to mind. I’m not suggesting we give it all away, but I’ve never met someone who was proud to say that all they did with their life was pad their bank account.

    Life is about giving and sharing experiences. The more you give, the happier you’ll be.

    7. I thought I knew everything.

    People often assume that after graduating from high school or college, they know everything.

    But the truth is when you stop learning, you stop growing.

    Since the beginning of our existence humans have been explorers, venturing to the corners of the world and into space to discover more about life.

    Constant learning allows us to discover new things about ourselves and the world, and our experiences teach us things that could never be taught in a classroom.

    Looking at the bigger picture, we don’t know anything. And that’s exactly what makes life so exciting.

    8. I never made any mistakes.

    It seems counterintuitive to wish for failure, but our mistakes are what allow us to grow.

    The point isn’t to make as many mistakes as possible, but to learn from our mistakes.

    Every great revelation, invention, or revolution started with hundreds of mistakes before it, until one miracle made it all worth it.

    It’s not so much mistakes that matter, but having the courage to make them.

    9. I hated my job.

    Accepting the nine to five and secure paycheck. Two weeks vacation for fifty weeks of slavery. Accumulating debt on house loans, car payments, and credit cards. Add on the responsibility of supporting your family, and it may seem you’ll be trapped forever.

    If you don’t enjoy your job now, that’s okay; many feel the same. But if by the time you lay on your deathbed you still hate it and never left, that’s a problem.

    You won’t want to look back and say you took the easy route and played it safe, accepting that you were never supposed to do anything meaningful with your life.

    Leaving a job is scary, especially when raising a family. It doesn’t mean you should quit today, but implementing an exit plan toward a career you actually do enjoy will relieve yourself from years of misery.

    10. I spent my entire life trying to be someone else.

    It’s become the norm to follow the crowd, adapt to the trends, and accept what everyone else is doing and join in.

    By doing this you never encounter the person you really are because you’ve been camouflaged by the identity of society.

    Taking time to understand yourself is life changing. It allows you to gather a clear picture of what you want to accomplish during your short time on Earth.

    You learn the things you love about yourself and things you might want to change. And most important, you understand what makes you unique and how your uniqueness can help you leave the world a better place than you found it.

    One Last Thing

    In the end, you’ll likely reflect on the things you didn’t do. As I said before, it’s human nature.

    But avoiding certain things, such as not taking care of myself and living in my comfort zone, has brought more happiness to my life than a bucket list ever could.

    It doesn’t matter if you swim with sharks, travel to every country, and take the first ride of space tourism; what matters is how you live your life, how well you take care of yourself, and how well you take care of others.

    This is your life, and you only get one. There’s no right or wrong way to live it.

    What matters is that you do.

    Woman with umbrella image via Shutterstock

  • We All Have Bad Days and All Need a Little Kindness

    We All Have Bad Days and All Need a Little Kindness

    ”Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.” ~Unknown

    A couple weeks back I had what Alexander would call a no good, terrible, very bad day.

    I’d slept poorly the night before—possibly because I had caffeine, which I usually avoid, somewhat late in the day, and possibly because I have a toddler-sized bladder that doesn’t seem to understand or care about REM cycles.

    In addition to being physically exhausted, I was feeling emotionally spent. I’d been dealing with a high level of uncertainty, as my boyfriend and I were preparing to move yet again, after months of discussion about where we’d live long term.

    Also, I was feeling a little disappointed with myself. I’d recently slowed my work down a bit, both to allow myself space to process my feelings related to the move and to work on some new creative projects.

    Turns out, it’s poor logic to expect that I can simultaneously allow a tidal wave of emotion to wash over me and create something completely unrelated to those feelings.

    So on top of fear and worry about the future, I was feeling guilty about “wasting time.”

    In an attempt to improve my mood, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to get lunch, but first I needed to stop at the post office to mail a package.

    The line looked like something you’d see at Disneyland, except without the enthusiastic banter you usually hear when people are inching closer to Space Mountain.

    My patience was right there with my bladder—the size of a toddler’s—and I really wanted to leave; but the sooner I mailed that package, the sooner I could stop telling myself, “Why are you doing nothing? You have to mail that package!”

    I thought, “It will go quickly,” without any good reason to believe this was true other than wishful thinking. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

    There were three people working at the counter: one helping people with passports, one giving mail to people who were picking it up, and one working with a customer who seemed to be mailing holiday gifts—five years’ worth, to friends, friends of friends, and friends of those people too.

    I was four people away from the front of the line when it hit me—I really had to pee. But I’d already written on a padded envelope I’d gotten from their retail area. I couldn’t leave; I had to pay for it.

    Sweating, with the sun beating down on me through the window, I started shifting my weight from leg to leg, texting my boyfriend in the car to let him know I’d be a while.

    I felt annoyed with everyone—the postal workers, for not working more quickly; the other customers, for not having fewer things to mail; the manufacturer of my shirt, for not making it more breathable.

    By the time I finally got to the front of the line, I felt ready to explode. I hoped this would be quick—here’s my package, mail it cheaply, have a nice day.

    That’s not what happened.

    The woman behind the counter told me I didn’t write the city legibly, and then began to write, even less legibly, on top of it.

    Since I’m a perfectionist, and because this package and the recipient were important to me, this really bothered me—that it looked like I spelled “round” wrong the first time, then scribbled over it and said, “Yup, this looks good to go.”

    Exasperated, I told the postal worker, “That looks horrible. I don’t want it to look like I can’t spell ‘round.’ Can I just get a new envelope?”

    I ran to grab one, then looked at the winding line and panicked. What if she took another customer while I was writing, and it was someone else with a half-hour worth of stuff to do?

    Then, while pressing the pen so hard it almost broke in my hand, I heard “Next in line.”

    “Could you just wait one second?” I implored. It’s just such a long line, and I waited so long, and I’m like three pen strokes from done.”

    She obliged, equally annoyed—after all, the winding line had greater implications for her than me. Then, after beginning to process my package, she said, “You have the wrong zip code.”

    Thus began a ridiculous back-and-forth discussion about who was right—her computer, or my post-it note, backed by Google.

    I really didn’t want to have to come back, and I didn’t want the package to get returned to me—at a place I wouldn’t be living at for long.

    So finally, after arguing for a bit, while shifting from leg to leg and wiping sweat from my brow, I said, “Never mind. I’ll just pay for my two envelopes and go.”

    I hadn’t yelled at her. I hadn’t insulted her. But I’d been rude. I’d been frustrated, impatient, and impolite. I’d vomited “bad day vibes” all over her, then left in a huff.

    And I felt terrible about it.

    I returned home and emailed the recipient to verify the zip code, and it turns out the postal worker was right—the recipient had given me the wrong one. It showed as the right address in Google because Round Rock has multiple zip codes.

    I felt even worse then.

    “This was so un-Tiny-Buddha-like,” I thought. “I should be better than this.”

    Should. There was that word again. What’s the worst thing you can do when you’re having a bad day? Pile on reasons to feel bad.

    So I decided to cut myself some slack. Did the postal worker deserve my attitude? Nope. Could I have been less volatile? Sure. Would it do any good to beat myself up over it? Absolutely not.

    The next day, after getting a better night’s sleep, I went back to the post office again, armed with the correct address. This time, there was no line. I immediately saw the postal worker from the day before, rearranging some packing material in the retail area.

    “Excuse me, “ I said, “Do you remember me? I was here yesterday…”

    She seemed to arm herself emotionally, glancing at me, then quickly away, before saying, “Um, yeah.”

    “I was rude to you yesterday,” I said, “and I’m sorry.”

    It felt strange and vulnerable to say this to a stranger, but I was sorry.

    I was sorry because I imagine her job isn’t easy. And the sun was beating down on her too. And she didn’t get to run out when I did, to eat lunch, go home, and decompress.

    She was doing her job—and a good job at that—and I was sorry I treated her poorly.

    She looked at me, her body softened, then she reached out for a hug. I doubt she knew it, but I really appreciated that hug. I needed it.

    “It’s okay,” she said. “I know how it is when you have an important package to mail.”

    “I was just having a really bad day,” I said, “and you were right. I had the wrong zip code.”

    “It’s okay,” she said again. “We all have bad days.”

    Where I stood just yesterday, feeling rude and ashamed, I now stood feeling kind and proud. I doubt she knew it, but she gave me a tremendous gift. She reminded me that my worst moment didn’t have to define me.

    I could choose to do something different. I could choose to take responsibility, admit my shortcomings, and do better today than yesterday.

    I don’t know about you, but I’ve come to realize I’m a lot like that scribbled “Round Rock”—messy and far from perfect. I make mistakes. I’m not always kind or polite. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes I don’t deal well.

    But maybe these little mistakes are big opportunities. Maybe the worst of humanity can give way to the best.

    Maybe every moment of rudeness is a hug waiting to happen. Okay, so that’s kind of cheesy, and maybe a little idealistic. And I realize there are situations when people are far ruder than I was, and far less understanding than she.

    But I know next time I encounter someone who seems impolite, I’ll remember how I felt that day. I’ll remember I’m likely not seeing them at their best, and this doesn’t define who they are.

    Then I’ll look them in the eye and think to myself, “It’s okay. I know how it is. We all have bad days.”