Tiny Buddha

Category: letting go

  • Flip the Script: How to Overcome Your Negative Thoughts

    Flip the Script: How to Overcome Your Negative Thoughts

    “You can’t stop negative thoughts from popping into your head, but you can choose to stop letting them control you and your life.” ~Lori Deschene

    Some of us are more prone to negative thoughts. They start out subtle and quiet, a small voice in the background of your life, until suddenly they’re shouting at you that you’re not good enough. They shout so loud and so often you think it’s your own voice and you start to agree.

    There was one day in particular, a few years ago, where this problem became clear to me.

    That day (and week and year) felt like everything had gone wrong. Things had broken, things had spilled. Things had burnt, things had been destroyed. I hadn’t slept well, and I was in chronic, agonizing pain. My inbox was full of rejection letters, and I felt like a failure.

    I was angry and frustrated and depressed.

    I was a failure.

    I wasn’t talented enough.

    I wasn’t good enough.

    I was a burden on those around me.

    I could feel my body becoming more and more tense, my muscles seizing and my fists clenching. I had what I call “bad energy,” and I knew if I didn’t do something soon, I’d have a full-blown panic attack.

    So I did what I’ve learned is the best thing to help calm me down: I went for a walk.

    I shoved myself into a jacket and hat and hugged my body tight as I tromped outside, slamming the door behind me. What I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear, but I couldn’t let that happen because I knew it would spiral out of control. My thoughts would swirl and multiply, and I would cry and shake and scream and my body would be hijacked by these emotions for the rest of the day.

    I’d been there before.

    So I walked.

    And I cried silent tears of anguish, feeling a deep sense of despair that felt like a weight hanging from my sternum, sliding along the ground like an anchor.

    I stared down at the ground directly in front of me and trudged along from my neighborhood into the next one, listening to the unfiltered negative thoughts hammering in my mind.

    I’m not good enough.

    I can’t do anything right.

    Why can’t I catch a break?

    A sob escaped my lips with this last thought.

    The negativity continued to peck away at me, and I continued walking and crying.

    As I rounded the next corner, I looked up briefly at the horizon and came to a sudden halt.

    I looked around and thought furiously about a concept that had just raced through my mind, so quickly I almost missed it.

    I was being a total jerk.

    In my mind there was this voice, my voice, saying all these mean things about myself, and I was just… letting it. I was letting it happen. Not only was I letting it happen, I was agreeing with it.

    I was allowing those thoughts to have power over me.

    I thought about if a friend or loved one had come to me and started saying these negative things about themselves, would I let them talk about themselves that way? No, I would try to remind them of all the good things and try to make them feel better.

    So why was I letting myself do it?

    A car honked and I leapt in the air.

    The thought had struck me so quickly and so hard I had stopped walking in the middle of the street.

    With a quick wave of apology, I began to walk again, this time a little more slowly as I was so focused on my thoughts.

    I’m not a mean person, and there’s no way I would ever say the things I was saying to myself to someone else.

    What would happen if I tried to flip the script and give myself praise instead? What would happen if I treated myself the way I would treat anyone else if they were saying these things about themselves?

    So I tried.

    I am strong.

    I am capable.

    I am loved.

    No, I’m not, I’m a failure. I’m a burden. I’m not good at anything.

    That negative voice wasn’t letting go so easily. It had become the dominant voice in my head for years without me realizing it, and it was used to being in charge.

    I am worthless. I am not–NO.

    I AM IMPORTANT.

    I AM WORTHY.

    I AM CAPABLE.

    The negative thoughts kept creeping back in and I didn’t have much control over that, but I realized I did have control over how I reacted to them. I did have control over adding the positive thoughts to provide a counterbalance and help lift me out of the darkness.

    I said no to the negative thoughts and continued with my positive affirmations. I let the negative thoughts flow through and focused my mind on the positive ones.

    I am strong.

    I have been through things most people can’t even imagine, and I’m still here.

    My arms fell from the hugging myself position and were down at my sides, fists no longer clenched in anger.

    I am talented.

    I am accomplished.

    I am worthy.

    As time went on, I found myself walking with my head up, looking ahead, arms swinging, back straight.

    I was calmer. I was more confident. I was thinking more clearly than I had in a long time.

    I was happier.

    When I got back to my own door and finished my walk, I was open and light. My muscles were relaxed, and I was ready to start my next project.

    When I had started my walk that had seemed impossible.

    What, exactly, had happened?

    First, I recognized that my depression and anxiety were starting to take control of my body. I realized a panic attack or depressive episode was only minutes away, so I went for a walk.

    I know a walk can increase blood flow, clear toxins, release endorphins, decrease inflammation, open up your lungs, and more. I know from experience and research that walking is one of the best things you can do for these issues, so I pushed myself to do it.

    Second, I suddenly recognized that not only was I being mean to myself with my negative thoughts, I was letting it happen and allowing those negative thoughts to have control over me. I was letting that negative voice tear me down and giving it far too much credit.

    I wasn’t being a very good friend to myself.

    So, third, I challenged myself to say positive things in the form of “I am” statements. These statements can be extremely powerful in helping not just overcome your negative thoughts, but prevent them from becoming overwhelming, when you do them regularly.

    You can’t always choose your thoughts. Sometimes those negative thoughts will pop into your head unbidden, and that’s okay. The important thing is you recognize that it’s happening and try to breathe out that negative energy, letting it flow through you, and turn your focus purposefully to more empowering thoughts and intentions.

    Now I start every morning listing off at least ten positive statements to try and overcome and prevent the negative thoughts before they even begin. And if they do start to creep in there, which happens, I do all the many things I know can help, like going for a walk, having good posture, using breathing techniques, stretching, and focusing on all the things for which I’m grateful.

    You don’t have to let your negative thoughts take over.

    It’s not easy, especially when they’ve become such a habit, but the good news is you can make new habits, ones that help you be a happier, healthier person overall.

  • How Resentment Affects Your Health and How to Forgive

    How Resentment Affects Your Health and How to Forgive

    “If one by one we counted people out for the least sin, it wouldn’t take us long to get so we had no one left to live with. For to be social is to be forgiving.” ~Robert Frost 

    There are two things that may come to mind when you think about forgiveness.

    The many spiritual healers and gurus that talk about its importance, including but not limited to Buddha quotes.

    And the person you think you will never forgive.

    Forgiveness has a largely religious or spiritual connotation.

    In Buddhist teachings, grudges are likened to holding onto hot coal, in that it only ends up burning you. In Hinduism, the Vedas associate holding grudges with carrying a bag of negative memories and feelings, leading to anger and unresolved emotions that affect the present and the future. In Christianity, mercy is only shown to those who practice forgiveness when others have sinned against them.

    What’s least likely to come to mind, ironically, is the condition of your actual brain when faced with the conundrum of forgiving.

    Only recently has the scientific community begun studying the effects of forgiveness from a neurological standpoint.

    A plethora of studies have found links between the daily practice of forgiveness and improved psychological and physical health.

    Apart from lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and overall stress, the act of forgiveness has also been scientifically proven to improve sleep and reduce fatigue.

    Rarely has a subject garnered nods of agreement from both the scientific and religious community together. The results of these studies, along with several others, dovetail perfectly into what many spiritual leaders and religious teachings have concluded about forgiveness.

    Psychologist Charlotte Witvliet conducted one such study, asking her patients to recall an old grudge.

    She found that when they did so, it not only affected them mentally, but the bitterness manifested physically as well. Their blood pressure and heart rate increased, leading to increase in anxiety. Ruminating about over a past betrayal was stressful, uncomfortable, and anxiety-inducing.

    The only way out, says says Dr. Frederic Luskin, cofounder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, is through forgiveness.

    Your brain has a happiness gauge called the nucleus accumbens. Throughout your life, your happiness meter might bounce back and forth on a scale of one to ten—ten being most happy.

    As you go about your daily routine (breakfast, work, social activities), the nucleus accumbens sends messages to the amygdala—the pleasure center of the brain—to stimulate it when something pleasant happens (e.g.: a good meal) or negatively stimulate it when something unpleasant happens (from minor infractions and small disagreements to larger fights and nasty altercations).

    As humans, we have two options in how we choose to respond to negative interactions and experiences.

    We can either ruminate in our misery over the boss that fired us or the roommate that betrayed our trust or choose to let it go.

    It’s natural for us to ruminate. It’s what comes most easily to us. What we don’t realize is that when we choose to ruminate, the mere name or any hint of the offence can cause a reaction in our nervous system. The amygdala gets activated in 27th of a second, releasing cortisol, the stress hormone. The same reaction that you would have if you were being chased by a wild animal.

    Those hormones stay in your system for a few hours, until they are metabolized out. Frequent activation of these pain sensors reduces serotonin levels and can even cause depression.

    On the other hand, letting go of the emotion, or forgiving, deflates the power of the situation and releases dopamine in the brain.

    For a while, I was one of the few who couldn’t experience a positive impact from practicing forgiveness.

    Despite my best efforts, I wasn’t able to let go of a deep betrayal by a close friend and roommate who had caused traumatic events in my life through derogatory rumors, lies, and homophobic comments.

    When faced with the past, I practiced what Dr. Luskin describes as “decisional forgiveness.” I consciously forgave my offender without releasing the emotion attached the event.

    For years, I told myself that I had let go of those memories, but I never let go of the sting attached to them. This led to a temporary reduction in hostility. It was only much later that I realized I was living my present life through the lens of the past, filling in reality with incidents from my betrayal.

    If left unchecked, those frequent recollections of our betrayal/past pain can cause the incident to form a part of our identity.

    Instead, what Dr Luskin suggests is to “emotionally forgive.” This would require one to release the bitterness, shedding their perception of the offence and leaving it in the past.

    In most cases, it is only emotional forgiveness that creates long lasting change in one’s personal life and mental health.

    Emotional forgiveness, for many, is laborious, mainly due to the unrelenting desire to hold the offender accountable for what they’ve done. We’re hardwired to seek vengeance, or justice, misunderstanding it to be the only thing to bring us peace.

    Forgiving garners the narrative that the person “got away with the crime.”

    The real crime, however, is the fact that the resentment lives on in you, for months or years, festering in your psyche. The proverbial poison that you drink and expect your offender to die.

    Assessing your damage and releasing your long-held grudges has nothing to do with your offender, and therefore doesn’t require you to reconcile with them. Real forgiveness doesn’t require two people. It only requires you to take your attention off your offender, quite simply because energy flows where attention goes.

    Emotional forgiveness requires three steps.

    Grieve

    This happens when we openly recognize the hurt that we’re feeling. Reflect instead of reacting. Learn from the experience instead of writing it off through blame. It sometimes takes months to simply bring one’s attention to the ‘grief elephant’ in the room.

    Empathize

    An integral part of emotional forgiveness, as hard as it might be, is to cultivate empathy or compassion for the offender. I am reminded, most often, of the phrase, “hurt people, hurt people” It’s almost circular in nature, it denotes a balance. It brings me comfort to know we’re all in this eternal cycle of passing down our personal pains to another.

    The only way to break that cycle is something that our ego strongly resists. Empathy. Putting yourself in the perpetrator’s shoes, asking why they could have done what they did can help. This doesn’t justify their actions; instead ,it satisfies the mind’s need to understand. As Neale Donald Walsh writes, “In the mind of the master, understanding replaces forgiveness.”

    When you understand, you realize everyone, despite their best efforts, is a slave to their conditioned past.

    When you understand, you realize a person’s actions are hardly their own and they reacted the best way their ego knew how.

    When you understand, you realize the number of times you might have reacted the best way your ego knows how.

    Let go

    The final act requires you to release the attachment from your story, keeping the memory and the lessons of the incident without the negative emotion that comes with the memory.

    This can be hard because memories are always better conjured up when you remember how they felt.

    In letting the negative emotion go, you might be able to see the incident from an outside perspective; a picture without the fogginess of emotion provides more clarity. You might find that viewing a memory without the bitter emotions attached to it leads you to insight and wisdom.

    Letting go enables one to bow to the past without being bound to it. Next time you’re faced with forgiveness, you don’t think of the person that hurt you; instead, you think about yourself.

    When neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had a stroke at thirty-seven, she was tasked with rewiring her entire brain from scratch, including re-learning how to read and write. Despite this, she felt happier after the stroke because she says, “I couldn’t remember who I was supposed to be mad at.”

  • How to Befriend Our Unhealthy Survival Mechanisms

    How to Befriend Our Unhealthy Survival Mechanisms

    “Wounded children have a rage, a sense of failed justice that burns in their souls. What do they do with that rage? Since they would never harm another, they turn that rage inward. They become the target of their own rage.” ~Woody Haiken

    Survival mechanisms are ways of being that we picked up along the way to help us cope with what was happening in our reality.

    Getting mad at ourselves for doing what we do only promotes self-hate. We’re not bad or wrong; in fact, we’re pretty damn intelligent. We found ways to help us soothe our traumas, hurt, and pain and perhaps get love and attention. That’s pretty intelligent, wouldn’t you say?

    I should just stop eating so much, drinking alcohol, smoking, exhausting myself through compulsive exercise, being busy, procrastinating, people-pleasing, etc. Easy peasy—just stop, right? Not when we have an “internal fight.”

    What do I mean? Part of us believes it needs to do these things in order to feel safe or be loved and accepted by others. That’s why they’re called “survival mechanisms.” That part of us doesn’t understand logic and reason; it understands emotions and feelings.

    It has a need to be loved and feel protected and safe, and it uses these things to get these needs met. Letting go is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. Pretty damn scary, eh?

    That’s what happens internally: the fear of letting go consumes us, and most often appears as an anxious feeling; then we pick up our survival mechanism again to soothe that feeling. It’s like running on a hamster wheel but not really getting anywhere.

    When I was little, I used food to cope with the environment I was living in. I was constantly told I was bad and wrong, and food helped soothe my feelings of insecurity. It actually became an obsession and the only thing I cared about.

    My whole focus in life became how I could get food to comfort me. I was teased for being fat from the popular girls, and I heard it at home from my father calling me “fatty, fatty two by four.”

    I didn’t know what was going on at the time; all I knew was that eating was all I wanted to do. Then, when I was thirteen, my doctor told me to go on a diet, and at age fifteen I entered my first hospital for anorexia.

    For the next twenty-three years of my life, anorexia, my coping mechanism, became the only thing I cared about, and I also had sub-symptoms like anxiety, cutting, and depression.

    I was existing but not living. My days and nights were consumed by trying to cope with life through eating and exercise. What a life, eh?

    I thought I was protecting myself, but really, I was living in a prison; I was the prison guard and the prisoner of my own creation. But I couldn’t stop; it was like this ‘thing’ had a hold on me.

    I cried and cried for it to go away, but it took control of my life every day. I wanted someone to save me from this thing, but the more I tried to let go, the more it had a hold.

    Even after twenty-three years of therapy and hospitals and treatment centers, it was still my savior.

    So, how did it finally let go? I took my healing into my own hands. I was determined to experience happiness, love, and inner peace.

    This was a process, not an overnight fix, but I started healing the unresolved issues that caused me to not feel safe, understanding my survival mechanisms’ purpose for me, and loving and accepting myself unconditionally. By doing so, the anorexia, anxiety, cutting, and depression no longer needed my attention, and I released those symptoms. 

    You see, that thing that had a hold on me, it was really my friend; it was my protector, and it worked until it no longer did. So instead of trying to get rid of it, I integrated it. Now it didn’t need to pick up another survival mechanism; instead, we became loving friends.

    Unhealthy coping mechanisms don’t free us; they’re just a way to numb our trauma, hurt, and pain, but they also keep us from truly living.

    By understanding what we’re trying to cope with instead of running or numbing, we’re able to see what we really need, get those needs met, and experience inner peace. This is called loving re-parenting. Because that’s what loving parenting looks like: offering kindness, understanding, compassion, and caring instead of judgment, criticism, and abandonment.

    Trying to get rid of a symptom—like overeating, cutting, or smoking—is fighting against our own biology. By making peace with it, by listening with compassion and understanding, we can help that part of ourselves get its needs met, and most often the symptom naturally goes away.

    This is how I’ve been able to free myself from the symptoms that had a hold on me, and here’s a way for you to get started today, if this resonates.

    1. Move into acceptance of who you are and what you’re experiencing. Replace judgment with compassion, knowing that you’re doing the best you can with what you know today, and you’re learning and growing as you go.

    2. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and imagine you’re talking with your unhealthy survival mechanism.

    3. Ask it, “Why are you here? What’s your purpose?”

    4. Ask it what it needs so it no longer has to get your attention through the symptoms you’re having.

    For example, the part of you that’s binge eating may let you know it needs a safe place to process and express your feelings, somewhere that you’re seen, heard, loved, and accepted unconditionally. It may also let you know that it’s time to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

    Or the part of you that’s experiencing depression may let you know that it’s tired of trying so hard to meet other people‘s expectations of how you should be, and it’s time for you to honor yourself and find ways to get your needs met so you don’t feel so powerless.

    For any “symptom,” it may also be helpful to understand secondary gain. Ask yourself, “How is being this way getting me love, attention, and someone to take care of me so I don’t have to take personal responsibility or fail as a human being?”

    5. Find ways to get your needs met. Tell yourself, “I give myself permission to take loving care of myself and do good things for my body and health. I am loved. I am safe.”

    6. Practice consciousness, which is becoming aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This allows us to see what’s really going on internally that may be asking for compassion, love, healing, and a new understanding.

    When we ask ourselves, “Why am I thinking, feeling, and acting this way?” we may become aware of core beliefs like “I’m unlovable” or “I’m unworthy.” It’s because of these core beliefs that we’re feeling, thinking, acting, and perceiving the ways we are. Of course we’d treat ourselves badly if we believe we’re fundamentally bad.

    When we understand what the driver really is, we can start healing the childhood wounds that created those beliefs and then shift how we see ourselves. By doing so, we naturally start to think, feel, and act differently.

    —

    This is a process, and it’s different for everybody. The key is to be compassionate and loving with whatever you’re experiencing and to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you. Even if you’re experiencing “symptoms” that seem unacceptable to society, the truth is you’re a beautiful, valuable, lovable being who deserves to heal and is worthy of a wonderful and fulfilling life journey.

  • Why It’s Okay Not to Have Everything Under Control

    Why It’s Okay Not to Have Everything Under Control

    “Relax. Nothing is under control.” ~Adi Da Samraj

    This has been an incredibly difficult, stressful, and uncertain year for me, as it has been for most people.

    If I was told a year ago that in 2020, my work hours as a healthcare professional would be reduced, I would be quarantined for months in a small one-bedroom apartment with my boyfriend of seven months, I’d gain fifteen pounds in a few months, and I wouldn’t be able to travel to other countries, I would have rolled my eyes, laughed in disbelief, and thought to myself whoever is delivering this information had eaten one too many Cocoa Puffs.

    The truth is these past nine months, starting from before the pandemic, have been some of the most challenging times, both emotionally and mentally, that I have ever experienced.

    A little backstory: Prior to early November, I was working two part-time jobs. After some thought and deliberation, I decided that I was going to quit one job (of course the one that provided my health insurance) because I couldn’t keep working eleven-hour shifts while commuting an additional two hours in Chicago traffic to be at this clinic.

    Working these two jobs had drained me, and I’d stopped taking care of myself. So, I took a leap and decided to quit one of them in early November. At least I had until the end of the month to figure out what to do about health insurance. And honestly, how much could really happen in a month?

    I devised a plan to slowly increase my hours at my other job. Come the end of November, I ended up having a surprise “change in my health status.” This really shocked me and threw a curve ball since I would lose my group medical insurance at the end of November. Since I didn’t want to pay $700 a month in COBRA insurance, I decided to pay out-of-pocket so I could keep seeing my healthcare provider in December to address my change in health status.

    What are the chances that this would happen? How unlucky could this timing be? Why now?

    Then in December, my health status changed again. Lucky for me, I did not need to worry about continuing to pay to see my healthcare provider again. However, I did have a nice bill from those December visits with my primary care provider.

    I thought to myself, well this can only get better… right?

    Then in February, I got in a car accident while I was driving to work. My car got totaled. Fortunately, both the other diver and I were fine. But we’ll just say these past few months were off to a rough start.

    So, once the Coronavirus started to accelerate in March and my work hours were reduced, I didn’t even know what to think. With the pandemic, all this uncertainty really came full force. I remember staying up into the wee hours of the morning the week of March 16th with a heavy knot in my stomach reading all the articles I could about Coronavirus to try to make sense of what was happening.

    Instead of it making sense, panic started to fill me. I couldn’t stop texting friends every new article I could find about how the Coronavirus was continuing to affect others and spread. My friends in turn would text me similar articles, which only perpetuated the fear.

    This apprehension and restlessness wouldn’t stop. It grew and grew until it was the only thing in the room with me. It was all I could think about.

    I worried about my family and friends. Every article I read seemed to contradict the previous one. I worried about finances. I didn’t know what to believe. I worried about my job. Even now with the pandemic continuing, it’s still so confusing.

    These past nine months have really reinforced why it is okay not to have everything under control.

    The valuable lessons I’ve learned about control (or lack thereof) are helping to decrease my anxiety levels when I become overwhelmed and stressed. I hope this might help others who may feel similarly in these uncertain times.

    1. Life is full of uncertainties, and that’s okay.

    It’s human nature to want to have control and explanations for pretty much everything. It helps us stay at ease and somewhat sane. However, life really is a series of uncertain events.

    Yes, we have control over some things—like our actions. But when it comes down to it, we don’t have control over many things—like a pandemic, other people, the weather, accidents…

    It’s about being comfortable navigating through uncertainty. The more I am okay with not knowing everything, the more at peace I feel.

    2. Focus on the journey, not the destination.

    During times of stress this year, such as with my car accident, change in health status, or the pandemic, my mind would always go into fast-forward mode. Suddenly in my head I would skip to five years into the future.

    How am I going to buy a house with all this money that I am paying toward bills? With the pandemic, will my loved ones and I be okay? Will I have a stable job?

    This thinking pattern helped me realize that all anyone can really do is stay in the present moment. Especially in a case like the Coronavirus, going too far into the future with my fears and uncertainties will only add unnecessary stress to my life, since I have no idea what’s coming, or when.

    Yes, we can take precautions. However, it is also important to also realize that worrying constantly solves nothing in the long run. It only creates more problems to fixate on and takes us away from life and all the precious moments that are unfolding around us in the present.

    3. Make changes in your life that may be scary.

    Since I am doing contract work, I am now on a private individual insurance plan (which is not cheap). However, because my work caseload has been cut in half, I decided to go out of my comfort zone and take a job halfway across the country for a year because it offers healthcare benefits and the chance to grow professionally.

    I feel like this is taking a big leap traveling across the country with my boyfriend during a pandemic. However, I also believe life is short, and now is the time to continue to make changes to keep evolving.

    4. There are lessons every day.

    Let me tell you, I have not always had the best emergency fund prepared. It’s been in the back of my mind but not a priority until everything hit the fan for me in November. If this isn’t the universe sending some kind of strong message, I am not sure what it is.

    I have learned to start putting money into an emergency fund, and to use it more wisely. To not take my health for granted. To really appreciate and enjoy quality time with family and friends. This year has also taught me that nothing is guaranteed, and in an instant, everything can be taken away.

    5. The only constant in life is inner joy.

    I used to believe the quote that the only constant in life was change. This was before I traveled to Thailand and stayed at a yoga retreat two years ago. One day when my friend and I were taking a meditation class, our teacher, Ulf, told us that the only constant in life is inner joy. The more I think about this statement, the more I agree.

    Nobody can take your inner joy away. No matter how hard life gets, it’s important to find joy. So even though it can be quite challenging at times, that is what I have been trying to do more consciously.

    Taking a walk and finding joy in the sunshine. Talking to a friend on the phone that I haven’t reached out to in over a year. Eating a meal made from scratch. Cuddling with my boyfriend. Joy can be found even in hard and dark times because it comes from within. Nobody can take joy away except for ourselves.

    —

    For all of you out there who are having a difficult time with all this uncertainty, here’s to being okay with not knowing and finding inner joy when everything seems to be unraveling and out of our control. Here’s to dealing with life and all of its uncertainties with openness and awe. Here’s to living.

  • 5 Things I Let Go When I Was Tired of Playing the Victim

    5 Things I Let Go When I Was Tired of Playing the Victim

    “Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgment gives you the power to change them.” ~ Byron Katie

    I will never forget the day a dear friend of mine told me I sounded like a victim. I can recall I was outraged with a guy who didn’t fulfill my needs and my expectations in love. In other words, he broke up with me, refusing to fill up my cup with the precious things I didn’t know how to give myself: appreciation, self-care, and self-respect.

    “How could he do that to me?” “Why do I have to go through such a thing?” Here’s a small sample of my thought repertoire, full of anger, disappointment, guilt, shame, and blame.

    While complaining, I was expecting my friend to be on my side. Shut up and listen. Accompany me in accusing that man of making me feel miserable and sad. Instead, she chose to be brutally honest:

    “Dear, I can feel your pain. You might not realize this yet, but you sound like a victim.”

    That wasn’t an easy thing to digest. I didn’t talk to her for months after that discussion, but today, I am profoundly grateful for that gift of honesty and genuine truth.

    I took some quality time for reflection and journaling. I got myself temporarily closed for spiritual maintenance. Then I decided to press the reset button and take a deep, profound journey inside of me, to evaluate the only things I could ever control: my thoughts, my actions, and my emotions.

    I wanted to declutter anything that didn’t add value to my life and make room for the things that mattered:

    What did I no longer want to think?
    Was I still hanging on to old beliefs from the past?
    What did I no longer want to feel?
    How did I no longer want to behave?
    What kind of behaviors and relationships was I not willing to tolerate?

    That was a transformational exercise, and here’s what I decided to let go of as a result:

    1. Self-neglect

    I decided to love and approve of myself as I was and take good care of my wants and needs without feeling guilty or selfish. I committed to stop putting my life on hold until “The One” would show up and make me forever happy.

    I started to exercise regularly, eat healthier, make time for my hobbies, go out with friends, travel and see the world. Instead of expecting for someone else to bring joy into my life, I offered that to myself, from the inside out.

    “Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.” ~Mario Quintana

    2. Self-criticism

    I stopped calling myself names, putting myself down, and making myself small so that others would feel good about themselves—a powerful lesson of self-love and self-respect. I decided to eliminate toxic words like “stupid” or “failure” from my vocabulary. I learned to get mindful of my self-talk, as a form of self-care.

    Whenever I find myself thinking disempowering thoughts about how I look or what I do, I stop for a moment and ask myself, “Would I say that to a friend? Would I call a good friend ‘idiot,’ ‘fat’ or ‘stupid’?” I know I wouldn’t, so why say that to myself?

    I started to perceive myself as enough and worthy of love. Not because other people said so, but because I chose to believe it. Before that, I used to hate my body for years. Always on a diet, perceiving myself as too fat to be loved. Not smart enough; not beautiful enough. An “average kind of woman,” so “why would anyone want to be with me?”

    I used to be desperate for a man’s love and approval. It took me months of deep inner work to make peace with my body and stop evaluating my worthiness through a man (or anyone else’s) opinions of me.

    “You are what you believe.” ~Buddha

    3. Negativity

    I detached from toxic relationships, gossiping, and negative people whom I previously permitted to criticize me for being single in my thirties, as if something was wrong with me and I was broken.

    Instead, I decided to surround myself with positive, non-judgmental people who helped me grow, people I could learn from.

    Goodbye, people-pleasing! I stopped saying yes to things I didn’t really want to do, hoping I would be included, liked, and approved of. I set healthy boundaries and stopped seeing people who only called whenever they needed something from me.

    I deleted old contacts from my phone. I had a look at my Facebook profile and unfriended people I wasn’t close to or who only complained and posted negative stuff. I removed myself from Facebook groups I no longer wanted to be part of.

    “If you don’t feel at ease with people, don’t change yourself. Change the people.” ~Cheryl Richardson

    4. Blaming

    I stopped blaming people for the way they “made me” feel. Blaming others for taking our money, our time, and our love is unfair because we always choose how much we give and to whom.

    Instead, I ask empowering questions, like:

    • What could I have done differently?
    • What am I taking with me from this experience?
    • What do I know today that I didn’t before?
    • What’s the gain in pain?

    Such questions are empowering because they liberate us from the conditioning of a victim and the belief that things are imposed on us by other people and external circumstances. They shift our focus away from other people’s perceived shortcomings and toward the things we personally can control.

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    5. Comparing

    I stopped comparing myself with other women who seemed to have it all: the husband, the kids, the house, and the dog. I realized everyone was on their own journey and wished them well.

    From previous romantic relationships that didn’t work out, I got clear on what I wanted from a romantic partner. I wanted a lover and a friend. My wish was to feel supported and cherished by someone warm-hearted, fun, intelligent, and kind.

    I got the learning. I trusted the flow of life, and I am married to that wonderful man today. We’ve been married for six years now, and I gave birth to our baby girl last year, at age forty-one. I didn’t do it on anyone else’s timeline, but I have a life I love.

    “A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it; it just blooms.” ~Zen Shin

    I’ve come to understand that the only person in charge of my happiness is me, and everything else is a bonus. I know this might sound selfish, but it’s not. Self-love is a necessity. Long-lasting happiness cannot come from someone else, but only from ourselves, from the inside out.

  • Do You Remember When You Didn’t Worry About Your Weight?

    Do You Remember When You Didn’t Worry About Your Weight?

    “We need to start focusing on what matters—on how we feel, and how we feel about ourselves.” ~Michelle Obama

    Do you remember the little girl (or boy) in you? The kid who ran, jumped, danced, laughed anywhere and everywhere they felt like it—before someone told them to shush, that they were too big, too loud, too much.

    The kid who didn’t even know what a scale was before someone told them their size was wrong.

    The kid who just ate—before someone gave them a mile-long list of “bad” foods and made them scared of food and distrusting of themselves.

    After over two decades of fighting with food and my body, I’ve spent the last four years reconnecting with and relearning to trust the little girl in me. And it’s been glorious. The little girl in me, before she was taught to suck in her stomach, lift her boobs, hide her flaws, ignore rumblings of hunger in her belly,  or endure the excruciating pain of the perfect heels because beauty is pain and only skinny matters.

    We were born into bodies that we loved. Bodies that fascinated us. We learned to run, jump, dance, with no thought of how we looked while we were doing it.

    Our relationship with food and our bodies was easy, joyful, and magical.

    We’re born into bodies that know how to eat. They know what they need, when they need it. They know what makes them feel their best and what doesn’t, and they instinctively want to move and feel good.

    They also come with all kinds of built-in functions designed to communicate with us so we hear their signals.

    But slowly, it all changes. We hear people making jokes about weight gain. We hear those around us talking about being fat, needing to lose weight, or otherwise being self-critical. We’re warned against “bad” foods—“Careful, you’ll get fat if you eat that,” as though it’s something we should be afraid of.

    And we’re told we are what we eat, as though we’re good or bad based on what food we choose to consume on any given day.

    We start looking at ourselves and our bodies critically. We start learning that food comforts and we start learning to numb—to ignore the messages we get from our bodies.

    The little kids in us get pushed aside. They get quieter and quieter. We stop trusting them and eventually we forget all about them.

    All of a sudden, the wonder and joy with which we used to look in the mirror is replaced with feelings of disgust, distrust, and shame. We feel frustrated, discouraged, stuck…

    Rather than carrying the joy and wonder for our bodies that we’re born with, we waste decades stuck in the never-ending trance of self- (and body-) criticism, chasing external fixes to make it all go away. 

    Because we’re taught to. The sickest part of all is that it’s usually in the name of “health.”

    Like you, I grew up in a society where I learned that certain ways to look, eat, live, and be are good, and everything else is bad.

    Those messages first became destructive for me in my teens, when I read my first diet book and started my first attempt to lose weight, get fit, and eat healthier.

    I was already fairly small, but every time I looked in the mirror, I saw a reflection I hated because no matter how small I was, I was never small enough.

    There was my life before that awful Atkins book and my life after. Before the book, I just ate.

    After the book, every time I ate my favorite chocolate bar or even just a piece of toast, I felt bad and worried about getting bigger.

    Over time, as I continued to try to “stick to” someone else’s rules about what I should be eating to “be good,” only to keep failing and gaining weight, the guilt turned into shame and judgment every time I ate almost anything.

    My inner world was consumed with one ever present concern: I have to get my act together and get healthy. I have to get this weight under control.

    I’d start and stop a new “weight loss” or “fitness journey” every other month. Vowing that this time would be different because this time, I had the perfect plan, the perfect goals. This time I’d be strict. This time, I’d be good. This time, I was motivated enough to stick with it and I was going to work extra hard.

    It never lasted very long. I’d always “screw up,” lose motivation, “fall off the wagon” only to end up feeling even worse.

    We pray for the day we’ll finally lose weight and all our problems will be over, the day we’ll finally be able to stand in front of the mirror and feel the way we used to feel—before the world told us our bodies were a problem we needed to solve and gave us a thousand different “solutions” that only end up making things worse.

    And we’re taught the solutions to getting there lie in hitting goals. They lie in achievement. They lie in restriction. Deprivation. Suffering. Harder work. More discipline. More motivation.

    If we just hit those weight, food, water, lift, run time/distance, step goals (and stick to them), then we’ll be happy and healthy. Then we’ll be living the “good” lifestyle.

    So we try. Most of us have spent our entire lives trying, failing, and trying again.

    What part of any of that is healthy?

    Exactly none.

    But it’s how our population has been programmed to chase health and happiness. Through this warped need to achieve—to reach goals or see visible progress via the mirror or the scale or whatever.

    But human health and well-being has never been about achievement or goal-setting. It’s not the result of how much you can restrict or deprive yourself, how much you suffer, or how hard you work.

    It’s a moment-to-moment measure of our mental and physical condition, and it’s constantly changing based on a ton of different factors—only some of which have to do with our choices and none of which have anything to do with whether or not we have a thigh gap or what the scale says.

    Yet, those things can make or break our mood, our inner peace, the way we feel about ourselves, and what we think we’re capable of or worth as humans.

    We ride or die based on whether or not external measurements of success make us feel like we’re doing something right.

    Forget about how we feel and what we need—just be good. Be successful. Follow the rules, hit the goals, look good on the outside.

    Less than 5% of people will ever be “successful” at the whole “weight loss/fitness journey” thing, and since I was eventually one of them, I have to ask: How do you define success? We’re “successful” at what cost? 

    Yes, I failed for years, but I was also “successful” for years. I finally had what everyone spends their life chasing through all the diets, lifestyle change, fitness journey attempts, etc.

    Was I happier? A better person? Healthier? No.

    Sure, I looked it. I was celebrated for how amazing I looked, how hard I worked, how inspiring my “discipline” and “self-control” were. My Instagram account was peppered with #fitspo and before and afters. I regularly had comments like #bodygoals and questions from desperate followers asking how they too could achieve the same “success.”

    But in reality? It destroyed me mentally and physically.

    Even after I lost the weight, my life still revolved around the internal war I felt between what I thought I wanted to eat versus what I was “supposed” to eat to “be good” or “make progress” or hell, even just try to maintain the progress I had made. Because by that time, I used food as a coping mechanism for everything. And because reaching goals, forcing “lifestyle changes,” and even weight loss success doesn’t magically solve those kinds of food issues or self-destructive, self-sabotaging behavior patterns.

    I ended up with bulimia and binge eating so severe that many nights I went to bed afraid I may die in my sleep because I’d be so sick from what I’d eaten.

    But at least I was being celebrated every day for my “weight loss success.” At least I looked good. Right?

    It’s all so toxic.

    Because we’ve been taught to demonize certain bodies.

    Because instead of self-trust, kindness, and compassion, we’ve been taught rules and restrictions, hard work, self-control, and “success at any cost,” while ignoring the underlying causes of weight and food struggles.

    Forget about how we feel. Forget about what we need. Forget about the cues we’re getting from our bodies when they’re trying to communicate. Don’t listen to those.

    Just behave and do what everyone else tells us we’re supposed to do.

    We get so caught in this trance of obsessing over it all that we don’t even realize how miserable it’s making us, how much of our life it’s consumed, or how much damage that obsession and all those messages is doing to our health, happiness, and peace of mind.

    We waste decades not only distrusting and disconnected from our bodies, but full on rejecting and fighting them.

    Why? For health? Happiness? To feel good about ourselves? Because it’s just what everyone does so we think it’s what we’re supposed to do?

    We wonder why we struggle so much while being completely disconnected from, and even at war with, not only ourselves but our our bodies.

    No matter what it weighs, your body can and should feel like home. It should feel safe, loving, calm, and centered. But it’s very difficult to ever get there if you’re always fighting with it.

    Taking care of ourselves and our bodies should never have become associated with work, punishment, suffering, or something that required motivation, discipline, or even lifestyle changes.

    What do you suppose determines your lifestyle? Your daily choices.

    And what determines your daily choices? Your programming.

    That is, your thoughts, beliefs, and patterns of behavior. The vast majority of which have developed and been wired into your brain over the course of your life so completely that they run on autopilot.

    That’s why they’re so hard to change and it can feel like we have no control over them—because until we actively work to change those things, we kinda don’t have control over them.

    We just go through life in a trance being driven to repeat the same thoughts and behaviors day after day. If we’re not happy where we are for whatever reason, that’s all that needs to change. Change what’s going on inside and the outside falls into place.

    The greatest tragedy of all is that all the outside noise has made us stop trusting ourselves, our ability to decide what we should eat, and follow through, and often, even our worth as humans. 

    All of which affects our choices because we treat ourselves the way we believe we deserve to be treated.

    Really, all most of us want is to feel better, am I right? We want to feel healthy, happy, good in our skin, comfortable in our clothes, at peace and fulfilled.

    Stop trying to punish and suffer your way there.

    Healthy living shouldn’t make life harder. It should all make life easier, better, and make us feel better about ourselves.

    It’s time to ditch the healthy living goals, the lifestyle change attempts, and hopping on and off the fitness journey wagon every few months. It’s not working.

    Ditch the food rules and restrictions.

    Ditch the plans and goals and to-do lists.

    Ditch deprivation, suffering, and struggle.

    Ditch the fear and distrust.

    Trade them in for love. For self-acceptance. Self-kindness. Self-compassion. Awareness.

    Get to know yourself so you can start understanding what’s going on inside that’s keeping you stuck in patterns that aren’t serving you. That’s where the power is.

    Start finding your way back to that little kid, the one who felt like a superhero before the world taught her (or him) to fear, doubt, and live for achievements and goals.

    Forget all the things you think you “should be” doing and start reconnecting with yourself and your body.

    Pause and notice. Emotionally and physically—what do you feel? Where do you feel it? What is it trying to tell you?

    Try putting your hands over your heart and just breathing.

    Ask yourself, “What do I really want right now? What do I need?”

    Tell yourself and your body, “I love you and I’m listening.”

    Pay close attention to how you feel, physically and mentally, before and after you eat. Before you reach for that thing that you know is going to make you feel terrible ask yourself, “Why do I want it?” Is your body physically hungry, or is it a mindless, learned behavior?

    Ask yourself, “Do I really want to feel the way that’s going to make me feel if I eat it?” If you notice yourself answering, “I don’t care” ask yourself why. Why are you purposely eating something that makes you feel terrible?

    When I started asking myself those questions, I realized I was doing it to myself on purpose because I didn’t believe I deserved to feel good. That was super helpful information because then I could start practicing compassion and figuring out what I was punishing myself for, and ultimately stop.

    We’re born instinctively knowing how to eat, but by the time we reach adulthood, most of the ways we eat and live are learned behaviors.

    The beautiful thing about learned behaviors is that we can learn to change them if they’re not serving us, but it starts with awareness and kindness, not goals and restrictions.

    The more you love and honor yourself and your body, the more at home and connected you’ll feel. The more at home and connected you feel, the more you’ll be able to hear your body when it tells you what it wants and needs. 

    You’ll recognize and trust hunger and fullness cues. You’ll recognize emotions and manage them more easily, without always needing to numb or stuff them. You’ll naturally start feeling compelled to move in ways that make your body feel better because you’ll hear your body when it asks for it.

    The more you live from this place of love, trust, and connection, the more at peace you’ll be, and the better you will naturally start treating your body.

    That’s when health and happiness really have a chance to thrive.

    You don’t need another weight loss or fitness journey; you need a journey back to the place in you that is just love and trust.

    That little kid I spoke of earlier? That kid loves you, trusts you, and knows what you’re worth and capable of.

    That kid is still in you and you need each other.

  • How to Calm Morning Anxiety by Mindfully Drinking Tea

    How to Calm Morning Anxiety by Mindfully Drinking Tea

    “Mindfulness isn’t difficult. We just need to remember to do it.” ~Sharon Salzberg

    As a Brit, I do what we British people do best: drink tea. Lots of it.

    I’ve drunk a cup of tea every morning since I was a chubby-faced teenager.

    I used to think tea was the best thing ever, that friendly little cup of brew that’s always there for you, reminding you to take a moment to chill. But it turns out that mindfully drinking a cup of tea is so much better. Not only does it make me enjoy my tea more, it has utterly redefined my mornings and even cured my morning anxiety.

    Morning anxiety is marked by an adrenaline rush, racing hart, heightened blood pressure, worry, edginess, and fatigue even though you’ve only just gotten out of bed.

    I used to feel anxious most mornings and it set the tone for the rest of my day. When I woke up my mind would already be full of ideas about what I had to do that day, worry that I wouldn’t get it all done, and a constant feeling of being rushed, which made it all but impossible to sit and just be.

    I was sick of waking up either stressed or anxious, so I decided to change my morning habits to put me in the right state of mind for the day ahead.

    I knew I didn’t want to do anything challenging, like yoga or a deep meditation technique, because I personally believe the morning should be relaxed and easy so that the mind and body have time to wake up gently before getting into work.

    So I decided to do something very easy but also very positive: turn my regular morning brew into an experience in mindfulness. And it turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

    When you’re trying to develop mindful habits, it’s best to focus on the things you already do routinely every day.

    For instance, if you walk to work you can start Zen walking, which is essentially walking while being mindful of the movement in your feet and legs.

    Or, if you take the bus, you can sit on the bus and meditate on your breath—something I used to do twice a day every day.

    Other examples include mindful showering, meditating while doing the dishes, or even mindful listening (meditating on the sound of the other person’s voice while you’re listening to them).

    When you turn everyday tasks into mindful activities, you cultivate the habit of mindfulness. That’s why my mindful-morning-tea was such a good idea—because I do it every day.

    It’s a wonderful little mindful-habit that I’ve developed for myself. Because I now automatically drink my tea mindfully, without even thinking about it. That’s a precious ten minutes every morning to overcome my anxiety and set a more positive tone for the rest of the day.

    Another wonderful thing about these mindful habits is that they are great for busy people. If you think you don’t have the time to meditate or be mindful, simply do what you do anyway but in a mindful way. That way, you can squeeze in your mindfulness without actually investing your time into it [here are some more great mindfulness tips for busy people].

    Let me show you how to do it. And don’t sweat, if you’re one of those weird people who thinks that coffee is better than tea (pah!) you can also use this mindfulness exercise when drinking your Nescafe.

    How To Drink Tea Mindfully In the Morning

    I’ve learned that when I first wake up, I need to take at least five to ten minutes to just generally get up, waken my mind, and, you know, yawn and do other morning things. You won’t want to start being mindfully immediately because your mind probably won’t be fully conscious the moment you get out of bed. So, before drinking your morning brew give yourself a few minutes just to wake up.

    Once you’re properly awake, start making tea as you usually would: take out your cup, deposit a tea bag in it, and fill the kettle.

    Then turn the kettle on and mindfully tune into the sound of the water as it heats. I find that meditating on the process of the water heating in the kettle actually helps me wake up—something about that water becoming enlivened makes my mind become enlivened as well; those little bubbles getting ever more excited and lively, it’s the perfect metaphor for the start of a busy day.

    Once the kettle has boiled, slowly put the water in the cup. I like to pour the water slowly out of the kettle and notice how freely water flows. I actually meditate on flowing water regularly because it helps me to reconnect with nature and feel that same sense of flow in my own being.

    Once the cup is full, mindfully observe how the water changes color from light to dark. I like to take a little sip of the tea black before putting the milk in, and meditate on that rich flavor, which I find truly invigorating for the taste-buds.

    Next, take out whatever type of milk you use (I personally dig Almond milk). Slowly pour the milk into the cup and observe the graduation of color from black to brown. I find that observing how the tea turns from dark to light reminds me of the rising sun in the early morning, and the light beginning to spread over the world as the lightness develops in my tea.

    Now you’re ready to drink your brew. Make sure you drink it slowly. If it has an aroma, mindfully observe that scent before you take your first sip. This will awaken your sense of smell (and awakening the senses is a wonderful way to develop mindfulness). Then gradually, slowly, drink your cup of tea, taking your time to be aware of the different senses involved, such as the warm feeling of the tea in your mouth, and the flavor.

    I personally like to drink my tea with my eyes closed, taking the occasional mindful breath to help myself achieve that “restful but awake” state of mind.

    In all, it should take approximately ten minutes to finish your drink. That’s ten minutes of morning meditation that will awaken your mind and help you to focus—a perfect mental state for the morning.

    The good thing about this practice is that it gives you almost all the same benefits of general mindfulness. If you drink your tea meditatively, you will naturally slow your mind and enter that restful state where your parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and you feel relaxed.

    Plus, by being mindful of your movements while you make the brew, you will enhance your mind-body connection (all mindful movement enhances mind-body connection, not just yoga and tai chi). And making and drinking tea awakens all five senses, which is one of the fundamental aspects of mindfulness.

    It’s always worth remembering that mindfulness doesn’t have to include meditation. You can be mindful while doing practically anything. And if you don’t happen to drink warm beverages in the morning, you can always follow the same process while drinking water or orange juice, or by eating a mindful breakfast.

    All the matters is that you find one morning routine that you do every day and use it as a mindfulness-activity. This will train your mind to be mindful in the morning so you relax when you get out of bed.

    I’ve personally found that by drinking my morning tea slowly and mindfully, I dispel my morning anxiety, I focus my mind, and I establish a positive mindset that helps me have an enjoyable and productive day.

  • Sorry If I “Trigger” You, But I Will Never Move On

    Sorry If I “Trigger” You, But I Will Never Move On

    “It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” ~John Steinbeck

    When you lose someone close to you, there are a plethora of duties you must first complete.

    When my boyfriend passed away from cancer at the age of twenty-nine, I was just twenty-three. We lived together in a claustrophobic, studio apartment in lower Manhattan. I recall many people telling me to physically move from the apartment, as that’s where he passed away, but moving in Manhattan is never an ideal situation to be in, especially when you are traumatized.

    Many of the duties that need to be completed after a death are material. The other person’s belongings need to be sorted through, their finances need to be evaluated, services need to be arranged, and then family and friends of the deceased must be contacted.

    To make matters worse for me, we were never married—so my right to taking care of some of these things was non-existent.

    It took me three years to open my boyfriend’s closet. I called a friend of his when I was ready. Though she was living on the opposite coast, she booked a flight for the next month and came to my rescue.

    As we were going through his clothes and reminiscing on his favorite shirts and the ones that he made (he was a fashion designer), we smiled and silently began to look at separate pieces. I was attempting to get a photo of his out of a picture frame, and I was working on it for quite awhile. My friend was looking at more of his shirts. A momentary twinkle of music began to play.

    “That’s cool, does that picture frame play music?” she asked.

    I looked up and saw a music box of mine, nearby but completely isolated from another object’s touch, playing for a few more beats and then abruptly stop.

    I knew it was him.

    Just as I never expected myself to completely move on from this loss, I had also hoped that he wouldn’t as well. I get subtle hints of his presence through dreams, and sometimes they are more tangible like the music box.

    I had much help from friends and family members in the following months after his death. It was when it hit almost the year mark that people started to forget the reality of the pain I was feeling every day. I had been told to “move on” or stop writing about the loss, as it could be triggering for other people. Well, I’m sorry if this “triggers” you, but I will never move on.

    I will continue to bask in the memories from a life that was cut too soon.

    I will still talk about him, write about him, and I will not force myself to forget him.

    I will still recognize the signs of him trying to reach out to me from another plain of existence.

    I will remember the dreams of him that brought me closer to my own spirituality.

    This is something that is and always will be a part of me, for it is a love that was real and unique, and nothing can ever replace it or diminish that memory.

    If you are told to move on, I challenge you to acknowledge the same.

    Never forget the essence of the human being you have lost.

    Continue to write down the adventures that you had, and continue to share them with others even though the body of the one you have lost no longer exists.

    Know that your pain and heartbreak is a symptom of your love, and you should never be forced to move on from that one of a kind feeling you experienced.

    Do not force yourself to smile. But encourage yourself to smile when you are faced with the past—or cry. (I once cried looking at a Naked Green Machine juice, because that was my boyfriend’s favorite drink.)

    If someone is uncomfortable with you speaking about your loss, recognize that you are uncomfortable and own it.

    One day, when you don’t move on, you will be at peace. You will be at peace with your memories and your very existence, and you will never forget how much of an impact the person you lost has had on you.

    The beautiful thing about them is that you will never move on from them.

  • When Self-Help Hurts: How My Obsession Kept Me Stuck

    When Self-Help Hurts: How My Obsession Kept Me Stuck

    “Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough. You are enough.” ~Daniell Koepke

    I feel a bit like Frodo Baggins. I’m on this tireless, seemingly never-ending journey just like he was. Only I don’t have a ring that needs destroying. I’ve been searching for the elusive answer to slay my inner demons and become the best version of myself. And I’m tired.

    The best way to describe this insatiable desire for improvement is an itch I can’t quite scratch. I can’t recall how many times I’ve gone down the Google rabbit hole, spending hours reading blogs and articles, Instagram posts, you name it. Just one more and I’ll stop. Okay, just one more!

    I’ve realized that the reason I have become so utterly obsessed with the idea of working on myself is because of my past. It always traces back to the past.

    In school I was bullied. At home I was abused. As I got older, I beat myself up over every mistake. I told myself it was my fault I was unlovable. All of these experiences taught me that who I was as a human being was somehow wrong. 

    It took years for me to discover self-help. As I recall, it started with mental health blogs. I’d find as many as I could and binge read them, even though they all contained essentially the same information.

    I joined Facebook groups about OCD, depression, anxiety, childhood abuse, and compulsive skin-picking. I thought, “Cool, now I’ll have so many new tips to try!” until I eventually left each group because of the overwhelming number of posts.

    When I was still using Instagram, I only followed mental health accounts. I was bombarded with influencers and therapists sharing their expertise on how to change your life. I ate it up, but I was also scared that I would miss some life-changing piece of advice that could heal my trauma if I didn’t refresh my feed every five seconds.

    I’ve read self-help books. I’ve listened to podcasts. I’ve watched YouTube videos. But it wasn’t until I started counseling that I realized I had a problem.

    It dawned on me that the all-consuming need to “fix” myself was making me feel like garbage, which is ironic if you ask me. Self-help books are supposed to help us, but those books, along with the blogs and Instagram posts, made me feel like I needed to change who I was in order to be good enough. 

    Even though I still sometimes slide into that old comfortable habit that is the self-help rabbit hole, I am becoming increasingly more aware of how negatively this habit affects me. I continue to discover new things along this journey.

    The self-help industry preys on us—or some people in the industry I should say. (Clearly, I enjoy some self-help sites still, or I wouldn’t be sharing this post here!)

    I feel like reading so many self-help books created problems I didn’t even know I had and made me feel worse. This is how it has become a multi-billion-dollar industry. The more problems we have, the more info and help we need. I recommend creating a little balance with consuming self-help materials. Focus on reading just for enjoyment sometimes. It feels really good.

    And try to be mindful about your intentions with self-help. If you’re looking to heal old wounds and work on the issues that hold you back, self-help can help. If you believe you are fundamentally flawed, it won’t.

    We must realize that we are enough as we are and that we don’t have to prove our worth by doing more things or becoming this or that. 

    Trauma can create distrust in ourselves and our ability to decide what’s best for us. We often look to others to have all the answers to make us feel better. It can be really hard to trust ourselves, but think about this. Why would anyone else know what’s best for us when they haven’t walked in our shoes? We have to learn to be your own guide.

    Self-help can make us feel like failures. There are so many products that claim to have the secrets to learn how to live our best lives, lose fifty pounds, fall in love, get rich, stop being depressed, and finally get over the past. That’s a lot of pressure to put on ourselves in order to live someone else’s ideal version of life.

    The most important thing I’ve learned is that it’s okay to stop the constant striving for more. That it’s okay to stop searching for the answers to all our problems and just live.

    For so long I’ve been looking for the path that will heal me, that will make me feel worthy and whole, and this is the root of my obsession with self-improvement. I can learn to just breathe and relax in the moment. I can just be without all the noise of others telling me how I should be. And you can too.

  • When You Feel Bad About Feeling Sad and Anxious

    When You Feel Bad About Feeling Sad and Anxious

    “You don’t have to be brave all of the time. You are not damaged or defeated. Have patience. Give yourself permission to grieve, to cry, and to heal. Allow a bit of compassion, you’re doing the best you can. We all are.” ~Unknown

    Growing up, I received the message that everything had to look a certain way. It was only okay to feel positive emotions, and any expression of unruly emotions was totally unacceptable.

    It wasn’t that anyone directly said this to me. I wasn’t given a written set of rules to follow. I wasn’t given any speeches or trainings about how to present myself in public. But the message came across.

    It was relayed to me in phrases like “Don’t cry, you’re fine,” “Relax, people are watching,” “Just ignore them,” and “Don’t let things bother you.” It was conveyed to me through subtle criticisms of my reactions, which in my mind translated to “You aren’t good enough if you feel bad.”

    In many ways, I was raised to feel uncomfortable with my emotions. I came to believe that negative emotions were a defect within me rather than a natural and essential part of my being. It wasn’t anything my parents did deliberately to try and hurt me. In fact, they were probably trying to avoid seeing me in pain. They were simply following what most people and parents do.

    We advise others to avoid their pain and upset feelings. To snap back into shape, even after immense tragedy. 

    We hear things like “Your cousin died? Well, he’s in heaven now.” “You had to put your dog to sleep? Well, he’s just crossed the rainbow bridge; and anyway, you can always get another dog.”

    People don’t advise you to sit with uncomfortable emotions. They don’t tell you it’s okay to feel sad, hurt, or scared.

    As a young and impressionable little person, I internalized my parents’ messages and fought against every “negative” emotion I had. That is, until the feelings I was trying so hard to avoid took over my body and manifested themselves as a series of seemingly unexplainable health issues and panic attacks.

    As I got older, I became so anxious that I couldn’t hide it anymore. Once I reached the point of being uncontrollably uncomfortable, I set out on a journey of self-exploration.

    I came to realize that my only choice was to examine what I was feeling and explore what those feelings could tell me about myself. For the first time in my life, I decided to figure out what my emotions were really about. I decided to find out why I was so damn anxious.

    Many of us are embarrassed and ashamed of our own feelings and thoughts. 

    We think our unfavorable emotions make us weak, and we worry that other people would think less of us if they knew how bad we actually felt. If we allow dominant ideas about tough emotions to take over our own thoughts, we can wind up feeling shame for the rest of our lives.

    When we’re emotional, we can feel completely powerless, like we’re never going to gain any kind of control over our thoughts, bodies, or surroundings. It can feel so uncomfortable to be upset that we choose to numb ourselves rather than risk feeling any pain.

    For so many years, I had it all wrong. But once it clicked, everything changed.

    The point of being alive isn’t to numb our feelings; we’re always going to feel something, and sadness is always going to try expressing itself in our lives. That’s a fact of life. We can try to avoid it all we want, but the more we distance ourselves from this reality, the more control it gains over us. 

    Freedom comes when we can feel our tough emotions expressing themselves, but no longer let them rule our lives. 

    The more we try to avoid our true nature, the more whatever we don’t want to feel shows up with a vengeance.

    The more I tried to rid myself of worry, sadness, negative thoughts, and panic attacks, the more they seemed to persist. The more they persisted, the more reactive I got to feeling anxiety. And the more reactive I became, the more power anxiety had over my life.

    When we try to get rid of anything in life, we create resistance; and the more we resist something, the more it shows up. Famous psychologist Carl Jung stated that “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” So, the goal here isn’t to get rid of anxiety, panic attacks, or sadness, it’s to work on our intolerance of those feelings. It’s to learn how to manage ourselves through the discomfort of it all.

    We don’t gain comfort, self-compassion, and calm by resisting or wishing things were different; we reach true calm by letting it be okay when we’re sad and anxious, and then letting it go.

    The more you fight it, the more it will show up; the more you let it be, the less power it will have over you.

    This is, of course, easier said than done. It’s a natural instinct to try banishing anything that feels uncomfortable. However, by continuously practicing deep acceptance for what is, we put ourselves in the best position to change it, or even achieve freedom from it, so that we can move past it.

    Here’s what I did to pull myself back from numbing myself and stumble into my new world with tolerance of my emotions:

    1. Know that it’s okay to be anxious and upset.

    Without a doubt, the most important thing to remember is that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. It’s okay to feel lost and unsure. It’s alright to have no idea how you’re going to hold it together sometimes. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be happy all the time. It’s okay to acknowledge when times are tough. It’s alright to feel anxious, even if it’s uncomfortable.

    2. Become an observer of your life.

    Instead of judging and getting angry with myself for feeling a certain way, I decided to be an observer of my emotions and environment. I chose to slow down and watch. I remind myself that when we’re busy judging ourselves for the way we feel, we aren’t honoring ourselves.

    Our emotions are involuntary; we have no control over them. However, what we do have control over is how we decide to respond to those emotions. When we accept our emotions as they come, take ownership of them, and avoid taking them out on the people we love, we train ourselves to manage our emotions from within.

    3. Decide who you want to be.

    I’ve found that it’s much easier to be happy, nice, and upbeat when your life is going well. It’s a lot harder to hold onto yourself when stress and anxiety are high. Knowing this, I work at trying to stay true to who I am, even in unfortunate situations. Even if I’m feeling agitated or upset, I know I can choose to respond in ways that allow me to shine through. Just because I’m not feeling so great, doesn’t mean I need to take it out on anyone I care about.

    4. Know it’s okay to feel strong emotions.

    During hard times our emotions can feel more intense. We may lose hope or be more reactive. Even though it’s totally fine to maintain an optimistic perspective of life, it’s also important to allow ourselves to process and feel the full spectrum of emotions.

    5. Remember that even negative emotions have a place in our lives.

    Sadness, anger, frustration, boredom, anxiety etc. all have a place in our lives. The key is not to avoid or numb these emotions, but to experience them and learn to manage them effectively so they don’t run our lives.

    Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to manage our negative feelings—in part, because we’ve been taught to repress them. As children, many of us are told not to cry, which leads us to believe that crying is bad.

    As adults, when we experience emotions like depression or anxiety, our natural impulse is usually to mask those feelings. We may have an inner voice telling us to forget about it; we may even turn to drugs, food restriction, or binge eating to distract us from our emotions.

    As human beings, we’re simply incapable of numbing a select set of emotions. So, when we numb sadness, we also numb happiness, joy, and other positive emotions. What’s worse is that as we struggle with our own negative emotions, we may create even more suffering. It’s hard work to deny something we’re truly feeling. It takes energy; it wears us down. So rather than try to ignore our feelings, it better serves us to work on observing them.

    It’s alright to admit that you’re hurting or struggling. We all go through hard times. And maybe we can find a bit of comfort in remembering that we aren’t alone. But first, we must accept what’s happening. Then we can decide how we want to best deal with it.

  • Deconstructing Shame: How to Break Free from Your Past

    Deconstructing Shame: How to Break Free from Your Past

    “We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use shame to change ourselves or others.” ~Brené Brown

    “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

    “I’ll never be good enough.”

    “I’m not worthy of love.”

    Sound familiar?

    I hear phrases like this all the time in my work helping women walk through divorce. I heard it for years while I was working in women’s ministry. And it echoes back to me from my own experience. I’ve walked through a lot of broken stories from numerous aching souls.

    These phrases all boil down to one core emotion: shame.

    Throughout my life, I have been all too familiar with that emotion. I spent almost seventeen years in a destructive marriage, had multiple miscarriages, was diagnosed with cancer, had a hysterectomy because of the cancer, almost lost my mind, and had a mild heart attack from all the stress. On top of that, my mother committed suicide—she shot herself in the head.

    And then I went through a high-conflict divorce. It was so costly, my net worth plummeted and I was left with very little.

    I was a single mom and I had to choose whether or not I was going to go back to corporate and never see my kids because of the unspoken price tag of working in corporate (eighty-plus hours a week—a steep price to pay). So I went to countless interviews and couldn’t land a job because, even though I was an executive level that had managed multimillion dollar initiatives and people globally, I didn’t have that magic sheet of paper—a degree that made people think I was smart enough.

    For as long as I can remember, I bought the lie that I wasn’t enough, and I believed that I deserved abuse, pain, and grief. For most of my life I was ashamed of breathing. I apologized for everything—for other people’s disapproval, for the wrong mixture of words, for my entire being. I thought I deserved every bad experience I had, thanks to my former conditioning.

    We humans are good at gathering shame inside us. Victims of trauma and abuse experience a tremendous amount of toxic shame, and if that is not your story, odds are you have internalized feelings of unworthiness from shaming messages you’ve received from parents, teachers, and peers in your formative years.

    Beliefs of unworthiness, then, often stem from childhood, when you have a heightened vulnerability to experience shame that either results from a harsh self-critical inner dialogue, the belittlement of efforts, achievements, or ideas, or physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

    Experiences, good or bad, initiate neural firing in the brain. Over time, with repetition, especially when accompanied by emotional intensity, neural circuits form our habitual responses to experience. In other words, the more we engage in certain thoughts and behavior, the more we become prone to having such thoughts. Any state of mind can become reality with reinforcement.

    So, if in our childhood our efforts to be loved were met with negative responses, our brain structure would respond by developing patterns that reinforce our feelings of unworthiness. We would be conditioned to perceiving everything through a shame filter.

    When we view ourselves through such a filter, we are tempted to cover ourselves for fear of exposure. We become a chameleon of sorts, adapting to identities that others place on us.

    We then live in a constant state of fight or flight; from a physio-biological/physio-neurological standpoint, there’s so much cortisol pumping through the body that the brain gets foggy and you experience fatigue, frustration, angst, and dis-ease (which becomes disease). Your adrenals are in overtime.

    When we cover ourselves like that, because of our shame, we tend to disconnect, isolate, and hide. We create a protective insulation of sorts.

    When my kids were little they were scared of the dark, just like most kids. As a new parent I tried all the techniques to get rid of the “monster” they were afraid of so that they would go to sleep. I tried a nightlight, and I even put water in a spray bottle, claiming it was “monster deterrent” and sprayed their room to allegedly keep the monsters away.

    It was stupid of me to play that game with them; young as they were, they were too smart to fall for it.

    So I finally sat them down and said, “Look. Here’s the deal… if you see a monster, he’s coming to you for a reason. Next time he comes into your room, instead of being scared, welcome him in and say, ‘Hey man what’s up?’ And then you’re welcome to go downstairs and share cookies and milk with your new monster friend.”

    My son was so excited. He couldn’t wait to see the monster so that he could bring him downstairs for cookies.

    Every morning he’d wake up and say, “Mom, I tried staying up all night, but the monster never came…” Because he wasn’t fearful anymore, he slept all night long.

    Combating shame is kind of like that. It starts with pulling back the curtain and getting real and raw, looking it square in the face. When you bring it into the open it loses its power over you. When you bring it into the light, you can deconstruct it, recalibrate, reconstruct your story, and reemerge.

    Lasting change occurs in your fundamental belief system, which can be updated. The term “plasticity” refers to this capacity to change the brain. That means it is possible to “flip the script” and engage in new, empowering thoughts and behavior. Thus, transformation occurs by confronting limiting beliefs you’ve built about yourself and identities others have given you.

    You can literally rewire the shame memory with new experiences of self-empathy, and inner compassion.

    You can break free from shame. And, your story can become a catalyst; you can leverage your loss to serve others like I did. But first you need to own your power, and that starts with shifting your mindset, especially if you’d holding a victim mentality, as I once did.

    When I was deep in the pit, I had a friend who said, “You don’t wear that look well.” I burned with shame, but it was true. I had allowed myself to become a victim who focused on how unfair life was for me.

    So I started taking inventory of my life and began practicing gratitude. Before my feet hit the ground in the morning, I sit in gratitude. I’m grateful that my clients allow me to help them walk in complex situations and they trust me to guide them. I’m grateful for a chance to slow down and catch my breath.

    The power of choice is the one thing that separates us from all the animals on the planet. At any moment you can choose joy, love, and gratitude. Or you can choose anger, resentment, and powerlessness.

    Does this mean that you won’t have challenges? Absolutely not. You’re going to get the challenges you need that will help you live your purpose.

    When I started obsessing with gratitude my life began to shift, and yours can too.

    Anger and powerlessness create negative energy that attracts more negative energy. When you move into gratitude, you instantly move things into your energy that you can become more grateful for. The faster I come into gratitude the better I feel. Gratitude is a healing energy. 

    Of course, it took a lot more than gratitude to help me break free from shame, especially the shame that was thrust upon me. My transformation was the result of shifting mentality, understanding emotions, and changing habits. Through it all I learned we have to give up the story of not being enough. We are enough. We have to bring your shame into the light. We can create a new rulebook for yourself.

    Listen, when you awaken one person you awaken generations and a tectonic shift occurs and nobody is the same. A dark room can’t remain dark when a bright light comes into it.

    It’s scary bringing shame to light, but the minute you do that you step into a newfound freedom, you learn who you are outside of the identities everyone else has given you, you fully become yourself. The worthy, deserving, more-than-enough you that you have always been.

  • How to Open Your Eyes and Make the Most of Life

    How to Open Your Eyes and Make the Most of Life

    “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ~Marcel Proust

    I was asleep for the first thirty-two years of my life. I was jolted awake when my daughter was born unable to sustain her own breath.

    I sat beside her in the NICU helplessly every day for three months, unable to hold or feed her due to her fragility. I watched as she endured two surgeries before six weeks of age.

    She was diagnosed with a rare muscular disease that required significant medical intervention and around-the-clock nursing care. In those first few months following her birth, the picture of the life I had painted with its carefully selected colors and images, began to bleed into unrecognizable shapes around me. This was my awakening.

    Awakening happens when the veil drops away and we discover we have very little, if any, control over what happens outside of ourselves.

    It’s easy to believe in the fallacy of control when things go according to our predetermined plan. It’s much harder when things do not align with the image we have painted for ourselves. When we don’t get the promotion we have worked so hard for, the lover we have pined for, or the healthy child we always dreamed of. What happens to our happiness when we attach ourselves to these external outcomes?

    Before my awakening my self-worth was tied to the success of my career, the balance of my bank account, and whether others approved of my life and my choices. I had to take a close look at myself and dive deep. What was my heart telling me? I broke open.

    I left a marriage and a job that I had let define me for over a decade. I pursued a path of practicing and teaching yoga. I learned to appreciate the many gifts and lessons my daughter offered me each day. I watched her overcome physical limitations and grow to become a beautiful, sweet, and sassy little girl, full of humor and enthusiasm for life.

    Every day she would wake up and exclaim “I’m so excited!” Whether it was school, errands or a stroll through the park, she saw the beauty of each moment.

    We can never fully realize our potential if we are too stuck in tunnel vision to see the vast expansiveness of possibilities that exist.

    What if not getting that promotion leads us to our true passion? Or that unrequited love creates space to meet our soul partner? Or the disabled child we did not plan for wakes us up to the things in life that truly matter?

    If we’re consumed by our idea of what we want our life to be, or we wallow in disappointment when things don’t go to plan, we close ourselves off from all the blessings that lie before us.

    How can we expand our own perception of reality and surrender to our path?

    1. Stop blaming.

    Every decision you have or have not made has led you exactly where you are. So often we play the blame game with accusations of “this is their fault” or “they made me feel this way.”

    Though we may have been victims in the past, and we didn’t get to choose our circumstances as kids, as adults we are responsible for our own emotions and circumstances. When we choose to no longer hold a victim mindset, we are empowered to take the reins of our own life and make choices in line with our highest path.

    2. Focus on the now.

    When we put our energy into thoughts of past regrets or future fears, we often suffer anxiety or depression. When we shift our thoughts to the present moment, we tune into the blessings that are happening right now. Yoga and meditation are great tools for practicing presence. The more we remain present with each moment as it comes, the less fear and anxiety we experience.

    3. Connect to nature.

    Nature heals. It’s that simple. Go outside. Put your bare feet on the Earth. Dig your hands in the dirt. Climb a tree. Look at the star-filled sky. Learn from the reliability and consistency of nature. The sun always rises and sets each day. The seasons change without fail. These truths remind us of the divine timing of everything, and we too are a part of this universal tapestry.

    4. Connect with a friend.

    We are social creatures. We crave connection—whether it’s FaceTime or face to face. While it is often necessary to go inward, sometimes what we need is to get out of our own head and spend time connecting with a close friend. Practice complete presence. Laugh and be silly. Cry and be vulnerable. Be real. Engage in friendships where you can show up exactly as you are, without judgment. Choose interactions and connections that leave you feeling lighter.

    5. Give to others.

    Often when we feel sorry for ourselves, the best way to get out of our “woe is me” space is to do something kind for someone else. There are so many ways we can give back to others or to the community. Get involved in charitable work. Send a care package to a loved one. Send your energy into something that creates a shift from your own perceived problems to helping those around you.

    6. Live with purpose.

    Engage in work that lights you up. You may already have a career that’s driven by passion and purpose. Or perhaps you have a side gig or hobby that fills you up. It could be drawing or playing music, teaching, or coaching others. Say yes to things that bring you joy and a sense of purpose. Say no to things that drain your spirit, unless they’re responsibilities you can’t neglect, and it will be much easier to find time, even if only small windows.

    7. Establish a daily gratitude practice.

    Gratitude is a daily choice. We can focus on what is missing or we can choose to focus on the blessings right before us. Put pen to paper. It can be something small, like a morning cup of coffee, or something more grandiose, like the ability to love and be loved. Focus your energy on what you are grateful and shift from a mindset of lack to one of abundance.

    —

    Waking up is a process that unfolds the moment we decide to relinquish control and surrender to the flow of life.

    I was asked again to surrender when my daughter passed away at the age of four. Even with deep grief and loss in my heart, her memory floods me with so much light that it is impossible to go back to sleep. Every time I feel sorry for myself or worry about things outside of my control, all I have to do is think of her. Her life illuminated my own path to self-love and surrender.

    The more we trust our own path, the more peacefully we can navigate our way through this world. In each moment we can choose gratitude over disappointment, love over hate, abundance over lack, and trust over fear. Through these daily choices our original painting will transform into a landscape more magnificent than we ever could have dreamed of.

    What are you not seeing because you are seeing what you are seeing? Are you ready to awaken to the illuminated path that is unfolding right before you? All you have to do is open your eyes.

  • How to Successfully Cope with a Crisis Using Surrender

    How to Successfully Cope with a Crisis Using Surrender

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    The scent of sanitizer once again pervades my home. And as much as I am grateful for it, every time I use it, that astringent, alcoholic smell takes me straight back to the out-patient chemo ward at the hospital.

    It’s been nearly seven years since I was a fortnightly visitor there, but the sanitizer and masks make me feel like I’m in a weird flashback.

    It’s surreal to see the whole world now facing what was one of the hardest parts of my treatment regimen.

    I was in quarantine for almost ten months.

    Risk of infection, and hence, delay in treatment, is one of the biggest fears faced by anyone who has ever had any kind of chemotherapy. I only left the house to go to the hospital, and when I did, I wore a mask.

    We discouraged visitors, and the few people who did come over also wore masks and sat a good six feet away from me. For an inveterate hugger, this was incredibly isolating.

    And now, this is the new normal for everyone.

    I find myself thinking a lot about that time in my life, and I realize that I had hit upon a coping strategy that worked excellently then, and is still something I lean on.

    In a word, that strategy was surrender.

    Surrender is an odd word to hear from someone who had to “fight cancer.” But when I say surrender, I mean to accept what is. To be fully aware of what is. To stop wasting your precious resources on things you cannot change.

    Here are three practical steps that can help you translate this nebulous concept into reality.

    Step 1: Make a list of every single thing you cannot change about the situation.

    The moment I got home after getting my diagnosis, I went to my room, sat facing my window, and went through all the things I knew had to happen. I had to have chemo. That meant I might have pain. I would have to stay at home. I would likely lose my hair. And so on.

    What does being in lockdown or quarantine or self-isolation mean for you? What are the everyday aspects of it that you’re going to bump up against? What are the little pin pricks of annoyance that could balloon into giant stabs with a blunt sword? Think of every possible thing and write it down, no matter how small.

    Step 2: Go through your list, one by one, and vent about each point.

    When I was undergoing my treatment, I wrote nearly every day. I wrote about what it felt like to lose my eyebrows, to spend New Year’s Day at the hospital, to only be able to keep down boiled mashed potatoes.

    Everything on your list is real, and worth your attention. Take the time to journal, to vent and really work through how you feel about all of it. Let yourself express all the little things that you may think are silly, or overreactions, and especially the ones you feel ashamed of, or guilty for, having on your list in the first place.

    If you have trusted friends, this is a great time to set up a support call system, where you take turns venting. The other person’s only job is to say, “Thank you. What else?” You can set a pre-determined amount of time to go one way, and then switch. At the end of both (or all) participants’ venting, you could include a judgement-free discussion.

    Yes, this is a time to be grateful for our blessings, but that doesn’t mean we hide from our truths. Leaving feelings unacknowledged means leaving them to fester. You deserve better.

    Step 3: Find your silver lining.

    For the first six months, I had alternating “tough weeks” and “good weeks.” In the tough weeks, all I could do was sleep. In the good weeks, however, I studied everything from logic to science fiction on Coursera, I played board and card games with my family, and I ate like a horse!

    Whatever your situation, and no matter how difficult, where is your silver lining? What can you do for yourself, even if it’s for five minutes a day?

    Please don’t think I am urging you to use this time to be the most productive you’ve ever been, or finish a dream project that you’ve never had time for. We’re in lockdown, not on sabbatical, and no one expects you to scale new heights in this time. Even if you make it through the day, more or less intact, that’s good enough, and you’re doing enough.

    I’m just asking you to look a little further. See what you can find, in spite of, or maybe inspired by, the items on your list, that can bring you some joy.

    I have an amazing friend who dressed up in a unicorn costume and surprised her husband when he was working from home. My talented sister is coming up with fabulous ways to take everyday household items and make toys and sensory experiences for my one-year-old. Another friend is baking. People are putting daffodils in bunches on their driveway for others to help themselves to.

    All over the world, people are finding ways to grow into better versions of themselves, and these versions are as varied and beautiful as wildflowers.

    Taking it further

    I always knew I would need six months of chemo, so I was mentally prepared for six months of isolation. However, after my six-month scan, my oncologist said I needed radiation therapy, just to be on the safe side. And my heart sank. And after the radiation was done, she told me I needed to stay home for another couple of months, to give my immune system time to recover, just to be on the safe side.

    Those seven words began to seriously grate on me.

    But that last extension was sheer torture. I felt fine, wasn’t going to the hospital for any kind of treatment, and still had to stay at home. Those two months felt longer than the eight months I’d already endured and pushed me to my limit.

    And that was when I learned another huge lesson. When things are tough, trying to get through it by counting on it all getting better soon isn’t the best way to deal with things. If there’s any change or delay, you’re going to have to deal with a backlash that stings like a rubber band rebounding onto your cheek.

    Focusing on when it will all be better or over is just setting yourself up for disappointment. None of that is ever under your control, so you’re better off working on the one thing that is always in your control: how you respond to situations.

    When you do a thorough job of anticipating most things that might come up, you tend to also automatically think of how you will deal with them. And if you’ve also released the emotional charge that might be associated with these issues, your response is filled with grace and peace.

    As for me, my first outing was a spontaneous visit to a bookstore opposite the hospital. I had just got the all-clear from my doctor, and my mum and I decided to hop across the road and spend some time around books. Which, I have to add, is one of my favourite places to be! We had a fabulous time, and my first outing was so much better than anything I could have planned. I still have the book I bought that day.

    So, what potentially amazing experiences for you are hiding in plain sight in the present moment? Try these three steps and notice how your awareness expands and your appreciation blooms.

    Things outside will continue to be unpredictable, and you may have to go through the steps more than once. But each time you do, you will learn more about yourself, develop better response strategies, and be more grounded in the present.

    Surrender, and like Confucius said, be the green reed that bends in the wind, instead of the mighty oak that breaks in a storm.

  • What I Learned About Love and Grief When I Lost My Cats

    What I Learned About Love and Grief When I Lost My Cats

    “Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” ~Anatole France

    Unconditional love.

    The thought of my cats envelops me with warmth whenever I think of them.

    Why? Because we’re so connected. It’s an ethereal thing. Beyond words. Beyond reality. Beyond rationality.

    When I’m holding them, I feel so spiritually connected. They stretch out as I start to scratch their backs, signaling that they like it. A welcome sign I should continue.

    They stare with their mysterious eyes. Their stares are hard to read. Yet, they tell you a lot of things. They open the flood gate of emotions. Me to them and back. They don’t need to be able to speak. I can understand those tiny meows. Those sighs. Even those imperceptible smiles. And all because of the special bond we have.

    The inner joy they provide is incomparable whenever I play with them.

    They may not be as active as dogs, but it’s the sweetness that melts me.

    The moment I touch them, they start to meld their bodies into mine, telling me not to let go.

    Sometimes they are aloof. Their snobby attitude makes me laugh. Especially when they demand something and I withhold it. I stare back. I tell them “No.” Yet their eyes impinge upon my soul. Saying “no” for long is not an option.

    When I’m not feeling well, they know. They lie down next to me. They stay quiet next to me. They try to take away the illness. They’re sharers and carers.

    It’s a bliss being with them! It seems to be mutual. Indeed, I can’t last a day without my fur babies. Nor they, me.

    A Month to Forget

    Then came that dreaded month in 2013. In October that year, my two most beloved babies died.

    I was devastated. My grief was instant. It was raw. It hurt like hell.

    I started to question the concept of goodness and the fairness of life. How can the universe be so cruel? How can humans cope with the onset of grief that can come upon us so suddenly? Will our lives ever be the same again? Can we ever recover from the all-pervading feelings of grief and get back to those blissful feelings of unconditional once again?

    How can the source of my joy now be the source of my sorrow? How can it be that the reason for my existence is now the reason for my annihilation? How is it that my cure is now my pain?

    Ironic, isn’t it?

    Life is unfair.

    The joy that is given to any of us is always temporary.

    You may say I’m exaggerating. It’s just a cat, a pet, an animal. You can always replace one with another one.

    But I tell you, that’s easier said than done. For those of us who are animal lovers and who are by themselves, having a pet is like having a miniature human. Many people won’t understand this. It may be difficult to comprehend. Hard to accept. But yes, our animals can replace humans for comfort and reassurance in many instances.

    But that’s life. That’s how the circle of life evolves. One is birthed, one dies. It goes on and on and on. And it’s up to us to accept it and move on. At some stage we need to release. To let go. Otherwise we can get caught up in the devastation of loss and grief.

    That’s how grieving is. It is so painful. More painful than the loss of an object or career. It goes beyond physical pain. It’s a forever thing as a piece of your heart goes with them.

    Grief almost killed me.

    But I realized that it’s just a phase. It’s a doorway toward a better place. It’s a key to unlock your hidden courage.

    Sometimes, you have to undergo grief. To release the negativity and allow positivity to enter your life. As they say, you have to empty out so one can pour more love in.

    More than a painful phase, grief can teach you lessons that will add to the missing puzzles in your life. Lessons that will make you stronger; that will make you a better person. That will eventually bring strength and resilience.

    And while on this painful journey, I pondered upon these lessons that changed how I look at life.

    Lesson 1: Cry if you must.

    Never say sorry for crying your heart out. Most of us feel ashamed when we cry. We don’t usually like others to see us when we are crying. Society taught us that crying is a sign of weakness.

    Definitely not.

    It’s an outlet for your emotions. To cry is to release all the negative feelings that are killing your soul. Isn’t it that after crying, we all feel better? As if a huge stone was lifted out of our chest?

    That’s what I learned when my cats died. I cried. I cried a lot. I cried every day. I almost cried everywhere. Whenever I saw cats, tears would fall from my eyes. I allowed myself to be drenched in my tears. It just seemed natural at the time.

    Until the sadness is gone. Until my eyes ran dry. Occasionally, I still cry whenever I remember them. But I was never ashamed of my crying.

    Lesson 2: Every being is precious.

    “Don’t be a fool, it’s just a cat!”

    “Don’t waste your time on those animals.”

    “You can always replace them.”

    These are some of the things I heard people say as I grieved. People smirked. They didn’t laugh at me outright. They thought I was insane to grieve for those beings.

    “What makes them less of a precious being that I should not grieve for them?”

    That’s what I wanted to shout to those who were mocking me at that time. Because for me, every being is precious. Human and animals alike. For me, whoever—or whatever being—made me feel so loved and special, is as precious as a human person.

    My cats, they were so generous in letting me feel the love, the warmth, the joy. They made me feel special. Isn’t that enough proof that these beings are precious?

    And because of them, I learned to see the value of each being. Whether it’s another person, my neighbor’s pet, an old person, or a child. All of these beings are precious. They all play an important role. They all add value to my being.

    I believe that every person or animal we encounter throughout life adds something to our life. All those you bumped into on your life journey create an impact. They create a ripple effect that multiplies into bigger ripples, until all those who are in your circle feel the impact. We are all joined in some way, even if we don’t recognize it.

    Lesson 3: Reality bites.

    I was in denial for quite a time. I kept convincing myself that I’d be fine and that I’d get the hang of it.

    But the moment I was home by myself, the silence almost killed me.

    Where are those naughty meows?

    Where are those tiny fur babies cuddling at my feet?

    Where are those eyes staring up at me demanding attention?

    The thought of these memories haunted me. There’s this big hole in my heart that seemed to widen as the days lingered. Indeed, reality bites. As days went by, the pain got more intense. The feeling of missing them tore me apart. Reality certainly had bitten hard.

    In a painful situation, denial can make you feel good but only temporarily. Denial does not alleviate the reality of what is. It will bite you so hard and so deep that it can’t cure pain anymore. Sooner or later, you need to face reality. Feel the heartache.  Feel the overwhelming pain and sadness of loss of part of your soul. But you must not let the venom of reality kill you. You’ve got to allow a cure to surface.

    Lesson 4: It’s okay to not be okay.

    You don’t owe anybody an apology just because you don’t feel okay.

    In the midst of this painful phase of grieving, life had to go on. I needed to go to work. I needed to go out. I needed to do my chores. And, I needed to continue breathing.

    There were times I survived the day being okay, but there were times that I was stopped by the dreaded feeling of being not okay. How I wished I could just feel these things when I was safely at home. Or, during the night before I went to sleep, so that no one could see my weakness.

    Most of the time, this feeling paralyzed me, to the point that I could not continue my work or what I was doing at the time. Sometimes I could not speak. If I pushed myself to socialize, I ended up offending someone. Good thing my loved ones understood what I was going through.

    I tell you, it’s okay to not be okay. You’re not the only person who has felt this way. Acknowledge it if it comes. Welcome it with open arms. Then allow it to dissipate in its own time.

    But here’s the thing. The feeling of not being okay will eventually be temporary. By all means immerse yourself in the feeling, but do not allow yourself to wallow in self-pity, such that you cannot recover.

    Lesson 5: Grief itself is medicine.

    People tend to ignore this stage. When they’ve lost a loved one, they act as if nothing has happened. They act as if they have already recovered. Well, it’s okay to have that attitude. But I tell you, it is better to allow yourself to experience grief.

    Grief can be your healing pill. Just like a pill, it tastes awful at first, but as you progress, you’ll get the hang of taking it. Somewhere in your subconscious, it will register that the pill of grief really is medicine, and that it is good for you to experience what life offers in emotional enrichment. Until such time as when you’ve reached the recovery stage, and you no longer need the pill.

    That’s why I acknowledged my grief. I was aware of what I was going through. I acknowledged its presence every day. And then one day, I just woke up healed and refreshed.

    Lesson 6: Grief is temporary.

    If there is one thing that is permanent in this world, it is “temporary.” True, isn’t it?

    The reason why I allowed myself to undergo grief is that I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I thought it was just a stage of life that I had to pass through.

    For those times I missed my cats, and I suddenly felt bad, I somehow knew it was a temporary feeling. For those times I saw people playing with their cats, and I would suddenly feel the envy, somehow, I knew that feeling was temporary. For those times that I can’t help but think of my cats, and I want to isolate myself from the world, I recognize that it’s temporary.

    Grief is temporary. Sooner or later everything will fall into its proper place. Sooner or later you’ll get through. However, “temporary” can be a short time or an eternity.

    No Matter What, You’ll Get Through

    The road to recovery may be long, but there’s no other way to bypass that road. I even told myself that I would never let myself have another cat again after that dreaded loss.

    Days, weeks, months passed.

    Four months later, I found myself cuddling two fur babies again. They’ve been my medicine to full recovery.

    I find myself back to my old self. That person who loves to nuzzle cats. That person who finds joy playing with cats. That person who regards cats as family.

    I just realized that’s how the circle of life evolves. We lose some, we gain some. We love, we hurt. We become pained, but eventually, we receive healing.

    I realized that I needed to embrace life as it is. Even if I take things into my hands and try to manipulate an ending, pushing myself against the tide, I will always be swept back to where I should be. Life settles these things for you.

    This is grief.

    This is how you lose a beloved.

    This is how you fall and stand again.

    Grieve if you must. It’s part of life. Of growing. Of moving forward.

    And all will come to pass.

    And unconditional love? Oh, it’s there again. Together with my two new cats.

  • The Power of Social (Media) Distancing

    The Power of Social (Media) Distancing

    “Less social media, more everything else.” ~Unknown

    It’s been a long time since I’ve engaged personally on social media. A while back I made the conscious choice to stop scrolling online and start focusing my time IRL. I was shocked when I did the math. Scrolling for just twenty minutes a day adds up to fifty days over ten years.

    As a busy mom of six, my time is precious, and I don’t want to spend my minutes, hours, days, and years getting sucked into the social media vortex.

    I admit, however, that social distancing has me wanting to reach for my phone and scroll as a distraction, to see “what’s going on” (even though nobody is really going anywhere) or to feel connected.

    So far, I haven’t been pulled back in, other than reading a few specific posts (you know the ones that pop into your inbox… see so and so’s latest!).

    Everyone is looking to feel connected during this uncertain and surreal time, and there’s nothing wrong with using social media to stay in touch with friends and family and keep up with the latest news.

    But even during a pandemic, we can fall into the usual social media traps—comparing ourselves to others and feeling depressed as a result. And then there’s the stress of overwhelming yourself with a full feed of coronavirus articles—some of them not even accurate.

    If you find yourself wanting to scroll more, keep these five tips in mind for a more purposeful experience.

    1. Do some spring cleaning.

    Having time and space away from the hustle bustle and usual noise of our busy lives can make decluttering easier. Use this space to decide who you really want to spend time with online. Channel your inner Marie Kondo and get rid of anyone or anything that doesn’t spark joy.

    I would also suggest unfollowing any brands, groups, or product lines that aren’t body image positive. Research shows that constantly looking at images of people that who happen to be smaller than you, will negatively affect your body image.

    It’s normal to compare and despair, which is why I focus on friends and family members that love me unconditionally and brands or products I love and that promote an inclusive self-image.

    You might also want to consider unfollowing any pages that frequently share fear-mongering articles or content that frequently draws negative, hateful comments.

    2. Remind yourself that everyone suffers.

    Even amid a global pandemic, some people seem to have perfect lives—like the celebrities “sheltering at home” in luxury, seemingly immune to the pain and struggle many of us are facing.

    But the reality is, there’s not one person in the world who has a perfect life. Even if their Instagram feed is filled with happy moments, they’ve had other moments, days, months, or even years that were filled with struggle.

    Think about the people you know; there isn’t one person who hasn’t experienced some form of suffering. This goes back to tip #1: You might want to consider unfollowing anyone who only posts their highlight reel. It’s refreshing to engage with and follow people who show all sides of their reality!

    3. Get curious.

    When your brain tells you to pick up your phone, get curious about what you really want at this moment. Extra time indoors can make you feel a little crazy. Ask yourself, what am I thinking or feeling as I reach for my phone? Am I bored, anxious, tired, or scared?

    Being able to both sit with these uncomfortable feelings and address them will help them pass much more quickly than trying to bury them with a mindless scan of your feed.

    Maybe you really need some fresh air, a break from your work, a snack, a new game to play with your kids, or a FaceTime session with a friend.

    There’s nothing wrong with choosing to scroll, but be honest with yourself about whether time on your phone can actually fulfill what you truly desire.

    4. Set a time limit.

    Set a timer for the amount of time you’re willing to spend on your feed. You can even use one of these apps to block social media for the rest of the day.

    If you notice you’re checking your feed to avoid a difficult project or task, try using the pomodoro method to complete both small and large tasks.

    And if you’re out of work and have a lot of time to fill in your day, consider creating a daily routine so you’re not aimless and antsy—perhaps with time for exercise, time for meditation, time for reading, time for creativity. This way, your days at home can actually enrich you instead of leaving you feeling drained and depleted.

    5. Believe that you’re good enough.

    No matter what you see in your feed, know that you’re 100% lovable, worthy, and supported. Never has there been a time when so many people have been dealing with the same set of circumstances. Instead of using this time to compare yourself to how other people are handling their self-quarantine time, look for connection, kindness, ideas, inspiration, and humor.

    —

    This extra time at home might be the perfect time to slow down, stop doing selfies, put your phone down, and practice some social media distancing, too. After all, what would you do with fifty extra days over the next ten years?

  • How I Overcame My Anger to Be Better for My Family

    How I Overcame My Anger to Be Better for My Family

    “Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    As a special-needs parent, it feels that I am in constant anger and fight mode.

    I am fighting with my children on the home front.

    I am fighting for their right to get access to services.

    I am fighting for their acceptance.

    I am fighting for my children to help them make progress.

    To be in constant fight mode can be overwhelming and exhausting.

    In my weakness, I let my emotions get the best of me.

    I lose my temper with my loved ones.

    The One Thing I Regret Saying to My Daughter

    A particular incident that took place many years ago stands out in my mind to this date.

    The principal of my daughter’s school told me she was causing lots of problems there. Her behavior was disturbing her classmates, and many parents had complaints about it.

    “We feel that this school is not suitable for her and it would be best to find her another school,” said the principal.

    I fought with the school to let her stay. This was the third school we had to fight for her acceptance.

    I felt that I was coming to another dead end.

    After that meeting, I headed home and was greeted with an onslaught of screaming and shouting children.

    Adding to that chaos, my daughter with autism poured out the contents of every toiletry bottle she could find into the bathtub. It is incredible how much children can do given one minute unsupervised.

    At that very moment, I snapped and yelled.

    “What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?”

    “Why are you always wrecking the house?”

    “Why can’t I have a moment of peace without you causing any trouble?”

    “I did not sign up for this!” 

    “I don’t want you!”

    My daughter with little communication skills stood frozen. I saw fear in her eyes. She felt every ounce of anger I had in me then.

    Why Yelling Further Delays a Child’s Development

    When children misbehave, yelling at them seems like a natural response. We feel that when we yell at them, we get their attention, we are disciplining them.

    None of us likes to be yelled at. When we yell at our children, they are more likely to shut down instead of listening. That is not a good way to communicate.

    For children on the spectrum, yelling can be particularly detrimental, as it may result in them retreating into their own world and not engaging with other people even more.

    The more we connect and engage with them, the more they can thrive and grow. Hence, yelling can never be a means to “discipline” them regardless of how stressful and frustrated we may feel at that moment.

    Not Yelling—Easier Said Than Done

    Trust me. No one understands this more than I do. When you are stressed and frustrated, releasing all that pent-up emotion seems like the only solution.

    I struggle at managing my anger. There are so many times I find myself regretting the way I spoke and raised my voice to my loved ones.

    With each angry word exchanged, I see my daughter retreating into her own world, and it pains me so much. Her mother caused all of that.

    The truth is, I am not angry with my daughter for the silly things she has done.

    It is not her fault.

    My beautiful daughter is not making life difficult for me, she is having a difficult time.

    For her sake, I’ve I had to find a positive way to deal with my anger issues.

    I’ve needed to help myself so that I could help her.

    Anger Is Just a Mask for Another Emotion

    Anger is often a secondary emotion. It is a mask that covers a deeper feeling that I am unwilling to address.

    Behind my anger are my fears, frustration, and insecurities.

    More than often, my anger stems from my inability to control what is outside of myself.

    I am unable to change the school’s decision not to accept her.

    My daughter is unable to receive decent therapy support in our home country.

    Instead, I have had to be my daughter’s therapist, and I felt insecure about my abilities to help her then.

    All these overwhelming feelings of being frustrated, being unfairly treated, not being respected, triggered the anger inside of me. Unfortunately, my poor daughter had to bear the angry burns of her hot-headed mother.

    How I Address the Real Meaning of My Anger

    In order to manage my anger, I’ve needed to:

    1. Acknowledge the emotion I am feeling.

    What am I feeling now?

     I am feeling angry.

    Telling myself that I am angry helps me to calm down.

    It’s important to recognize and feel the anger in these situations. By addressing it, I am acknowledging that I matter, and it prompts me to take a deeper look at what is going on behind the scenes.

    2. Identify the emotion behind the anger.

    What am I feeling besides anger?

    I am feeling rejected by what the school has done, and I am also feeling anxious about having the time to find another school for my daughter, or if I even can.

    My anger is always trying to tell me something. Once I listen to it, I’m in a better place to understand the situation and move forward toward the healing process.

    The more clarity I get about why I am angry and the more I acknowledge those emotions, the less my anger impacts me. By gaining more clarity, I can also find productive solutions to solve my problems.

    How I Manage My Anger

    1. Replace negative thoughts with more constructive ones.

    I realize that my attitude affects how I interpret my circumstances. It impacts my thoughts, energy, and above all, the actions I take.

    Much of my anger and frustration can be better managed when I practice reframing.

    Instead of saying, “My child is a brat who doesn’t listen and is out to make my life miserable,” I try to say, “My child doesn’t quite understand what I’m trying to tell her. I need to demonstrate to her what she is required to do.”

    By reframing my thought process and how I describe my children and my problems, I am able to see things with acceptance, compassion, and empathy.

    2. Identify common anger triggers.

    Identifying my common triggers helps me mentally prepare myself prior to the event.

    I start by visualizing a typical situation and ask myself how I can respond to it wisely. The more I practice this visualization, the more I can react to such situations more appropriately.

    It also helps to journal down what times and moments cause these triggers.

    3. Practice some relaxation/calming exercises.

    Using simple relaxation and calming strategies helps me soothe those angry feelings.

    Some examples of common relaxation exercises:

    • Having a cup of tea
    • Using breathing techniques
    • Practicing yoga and meditation
    • Listening to music
    • Exercising
    • Using stress-relief tools (e.g. stress ball)

    Since I’ve been practicing these exercises, homework and therapy times at home have been more pleasant for me and the children. Meditating for five minutes before homework takes away any lingering frustrations and stress.

    4. Focus on the solution, not the problem.

    All too often, when a problem occurs, I focus on the negative situation, and this puts me in a bad mood. I resolve more things when I focus more on the solution instead.

    To start, I take the time to fully analyze the problem and make a list of possible solutions.

    When I do this, I know I am taking proactive steps to improve our lives. I am focusing on what I can control instead of mindlessly reacting to my circumstances.

    5. Find humor in the situation.

    Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.

    Finding humor in a situation, even amid the most trying times, can be both relieving and empowering.

    I was in the car when my daughter started screaming and crying suddenly. I stopped the car and asked her what the matter was; no amount of coaxing, hugs, and bribes {sweets} was able to calm her down.

    I was feeling stressed with the situation, so in desperation, I made funny faces and fart noises at her. and she laughed hysterically. After a good laugh, my daughter explained that she was angry with me because I promised her earlier that I would bring her to the shop, but instead was driving toward home.

    If I had responded in anger then, I would not have been in a position of empathy to help her, and the mystery to her emotional outburst would remain unsolved.

    6. Take a time-out.

    When I sense a wave of anger coming up, I try to excuse myself from the situation. Taking a time-out prevents me from saying things that I may later regret.

    Finding a quiet area to cool down and practicing some of the relaxation exercises mentioned above has saved me on many occasions.

    When the anger has subsided, I find it helps to think of what I may say before returning to the scene.

    7. Practice forgiveness.

    It’s difficult to find peace when we’re bottled up in anger and pain. Constant internal hostility saps away our energy both physically and mentally.

    It helps me minimize the hostility within to see everyone like my daughter—not giving me a hard time, but having a hard time. It’s much easier to forgive when I consider that everyone else is struggling, trying their best, and sometimes falling short.

    By forgiving, I accept the events for the way they are. I am letting go of any negative attachments.

    By forgiving, I am taking control of my life by saying that this act no longer defines me, it no longer controls me.

    By forgiving, I can finally find peace and move on with my life.

    Learning How to Own My Anger

    I have seen first-hand how my anger affects my family. It doesn’t serve them at all. Out of love and necessity, I will do whatever I can to be a better person for them.

    Hence, every day in every way, I am making a conscious effort to control my anger before it controls me.

    There will be days when I still mess up. We are all human and we will never be perfect.

    I recognize my mistakes and acknowledge what needs to be done to improve.

    Slowly but surely, I am getting there. I am, and will always be, a constant work in progress.

    —

    Is your anger controlling your life? What strategies have helped you work through and let go of your anger?

  • Deep Down You Know When It’s Time to Let Go

    Deep Down You Know When It’s Time to Let Go

    “Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” ~Daphne Rose Kingma

    One of the most challenging things in life is knowing when to let go—when to let go of a job, a relationship, a belief, a repeating thought, a situation… fill in the blank.

    Most of us have defaulted to safety, which often means procrastinating and generally feeling stuck. While there’s nothing wrong with safety—it is, after all, one of our basic needs—we must learn to discern what is truly safe and what is safe for the sake of comfort and conformity, the latter of which ultimately leaves us feeling depleted.

    “Safe” is a subjective term. What feels safe to you may not feel safe to me. For most of us, the unknown feels unsafe, yet as you may have heard, the magic happens when we surrender to the unknown. Chances are, if we are seeking more, longing for more, yet feel paralyzed to move because we feel “safe,” we are probably stuck.

    I recently experienced one of the most challenging transitions of my life when I let go of a long-term relationship. It didn’t happen overnight. It all began with a nudge and a deep knowing that I felt stuck, yet all the outer signs evidenced a “good” relationship, and my mind wouldn’t let go of the idea that there was nothing “wrong” with it.

    By societal standards, I shouldn’t have been complaining or contemplating, but I believe we all really want one thing: to thrive and experience change when it’s necessary for our evolution and joy.

    Resistance and fear will try to tell us a whole lot of stories about why we should be grateful and stay put, but if there is an inkling, a nudge, a quiet inner voice that keeps nagging and telling us it’s time to go, then it’s time to release and move on. Even though letting go may not immediately make any logical sense, listening to that voice can bring new, fulfilling experiences.

    This phase in my life has taught me that life is all about flow and movement, and that living, truly living, means that we are constantly changing and evolving. Living means being called to practice detachment to make room for new energy.

    I also learned that when we don’t listen to that inner voice that says it’s time to let go, and sometimes screams it loud from our heart and gut, life will conspire to make us move, whether we want to or not.

    If we wait long enough and dismiss our deep truth, life will make sure that truth comes out one way or another. Events and circumstances will happen that will cause us to move, and sometimes cause us to move at a rate that we did not expect or plan.

    The biggest lesson for me was, do not wait for life to force you; check in daily and connect to the deep truth that overrides logic and analysis and simply nudges you along.

    This isn’t easy when the voice of fear is loud and untamed.

    Letting go is part of the human experience, but there are ways to minimize the impact of transition if we are mindful. Here are some actions I took and lessons and insights I learned during this transition that helped me embrace letting go. These can apply to any situation that requires letting go.

    I took inventory of all the gifts from my relationship and sat in gratitude.

    I reflected on how I could have shown up differently and more authentically.

    I took responsibility for what I had contributed to the situation.

    I promised myself that I would never betray my inner voice.

    I embraced alone time often.

    I constantly asked myself, “What do I need in this moment?”

    I allowed myself to mourn and grieve whenever those feelings arose.

    I allowed myself to have hard days and was extra gentle with myself during those moments.

    I asked myself what part of me needed to heal so that I could hear my inner voice and override the fear-based thoughts that keep me stuck.

    I indulged in a self-care routine and opted for activities that felt nourishing.

    I kept a daily promise to myself, no matter how small it was.

    I surrounded myself with people I love and with whom I feel safe.

    I traveled and welcomed the energy of newness and curiosity,

    I hugged myself a lot—it is so nourishing!

    I got comfortable with patience and surrender—two great lessons that I needed to learn.

    I embraced the unknown.

    I learned that you can love that job, that person, that circumstance, and still feel a deep urge to move on.

    We are all worthy of feeling fulfilled and nourished; that is the point of life

    Sometimes, we just grow apart from that person, thing, or circumstance. It’s that simple, don’t fight it.

    It is never about blame or shame; it is always about experience and experiencing life right where you are and where you are nudged to go.

    It’s okay to say goodbye and still feel love and gratitude.

    Nothing is ever wasted. Every experience has a meaning in your life.

    Everything has a season—sometimes the season lasts a minute, sometimes it lasts years, but eventually there is a new season on the horizon.

    Here is the thing, if we don’t listen to the voice that is asking us to let go, then we will never know what beautiful blessings await us on the other side—in the unknown. Our minds cannot possibly conceive what lies ahead.

    I had to make room for new love and new energy, two elements I longed for daily. I had no idea what my life would look like, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that with newness comes great curiosity and joy.

    If resentment, wonder, curiosity, longing, stuckness, and boredom seem to keep circling in your mind, it’s time to take inventory and ask yourself a very hard question: Is it time to let go?

    Even if you don’t feel any “negative” feelings but feel a nudge, a knowing pushing you forward, listen and listen with your heart.

  • Dealing with Online Hate: What to Do When People Are Mean

    Dealing with Online Hate: What to Do When People Are Mean

    “The less you respond to negative people, the more peaceful your life will become.” ~Unknown

    I work for a website that creates videos on lifestyle, fashion, food, travel, fitness, and more.

    Our channel has a massive following from all walks of life, and we receive a lot of love but also a bit of hate. Even though many people are involved in the production of a video (directors, videographers, editors), the comments, feedback, and of course the hate is usually directed at the face you see on camera, and that is the anchor—AKA me!

    When I started out as an anchor, I had already been modelling for a couple of years and felt comfortable in front of a camera. When videos came along, I took it up as a challenge, as an opportunity to test myself and see what I could do.

    Luckily for me, I really started to enjoy it. My initial videos garnered a huge response and some crossed hundreds of thousands of views. I was slightly intimidated but on a high as well because of how well they seemed to be doing.

    But slowly, as I grew into my role as an anchor, I realized that there was a whole other side to being in the public eye that I never knew about.

    For me, being on camera meant putting forth a good performance and getting appreciation or criticism on it. I believe that each one of us has the capability to deal with constructive criticism; we all want to grow, we all want to improve, don’t we? The problem starts when the criticism loses its perspective and becomes destructive and downright hurtful.

    One fine day, after the release of my latest video, I sat at home scrolling through the comments section and came across a really mean comment. It stung me. And I couldn’t help myself. I went down the rabbit hole of reading all my videos’ comments and found tons of negative ones. It was one of the lowest moments of my life.

    And oh, people are creative! The comments weren’t simply restricted to whether or not I was doing a good job as an anchor. They covered everything from shaming my body to even threats of physical harm. It close to shattered me to see all these mean things written about me by total strangers.

    Now, I know that we don’t all have to face the same amount of hate that people in media do. But in today’s age of social media, each one of us has dealt with some negativity on our Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. And as someone who has dealt with a lot of it, I feel strongly about this!

    Below are a few things I did to deal with this trolling that really helped me out. I hope a few of these pointers can help you deal with hate when it comes at you!

    1. Know your haters.

    The kind of comments a person posts on social media speaks a lot about the person him/herself. What you need to realize is that a person who’s incessantly trolling you is probably at a very sad and unhappy place in their own life.

    Would a person who’s living a fulfilled life hide behind the screen of anonymity and spend their time being mean to some random person on the internet?

    Internet trollers are in most cases people who are leading unfulfilled, sad lives who want to vent out their frustration by blasting random strangers. Do you really need to take the opinions of such people seriously?

    2. Distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism.

    Let’s get real, no one likes criticism. But do we need it in some doses? Yes, we do! Not just on the internet but also in your personal life, taking criticism and working on your flaws is the best way to grow. The trick is to recognize whether the criticism is constructive or destructive.

    For example, a comment telling me to work on my accent and pronunciation is constructive for me, because I know it will help me improve my diction.

    On the other hand, a comment posted with the sole aim of body shaming me doesn’t need to be taken seriously. I can chalk it up to an unhappy person nit picking someone else to avoid acknowledging and addressing the things they don’t like about themselves and their own life.

    3. Joke about it.

    A trick that I learnt pretty soon into my breakdown was to stop taking things too seriously! I have a couple of close friends with whom I sit and read all the negative comments written about me and have a good laugh! (If you need a little help finding the funny in the mean, Google “celebrities read mean tweets.” When you don’t take the hate personally, you can’t help but laugh at some of it!)

    4. Weed out negativity.

    If at any point you feel that a person is getting too much for you to handle just weed them out. It’s very easy to do this on the internet, you simply block them from all possible platforms, and VOILA! Bye-bye negativity!

    This might be slightly more difficult when dealing with people who are in your life on a day-to-day basis. But if a person regularly tries to pull you down, it’s not worth keeping them in your life anyway.

    5. Open up.

    Talk to your community and you’ll realize that everyone is dealing with hate in some form or other. What helped me the most is watching funny YouTube videos, where YouTubers answer back to hateful comments on their videos. Superwoman is one of my favorite YouTubers, and her video answering back to her haters was a savior for me.

    Not only does this put a humorous spin on the situation, it reminds you that everyone is facing this in today’s world, which makes it easier to deal with, because you realize it truly isn’t personal, no matter how personal it seems.

    Irrespective of how you choose to deal with the hate that is thrown your way, never be afraid to be absolutely and unabashedly yourself. Some will love it, some will hate it, but you don’t have to let their opinions get you down!

  • 10 Things I’ve Let Go and How This Has Set Me Free

    10 Things I’ve Let Go and How This Has Set Me Free

    “I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.” ~ Louise Hay

    Looking back on my life, I came to understand that perfection was my worst enemy. I was raised in an environment of high expectation, and every day in school felt like I was competing with others and fighting to be the best in class.

    At the age of ten I believed I was stupid just because my brain couldn’t work out physics and math. I was good with literature, arts, and foreign languages, but that wasn’t a sign of brilliance in the Eastern-European culture that shaped me.

    Much later, as a grown-up woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough. I felt unworthy of being loved by a wonderful man, unworthy of getting a good paycheck to reflect my skills and talents, too unworthy to apply for a tempting position at work.

    My life looks completely different today, and I embrace the new me with much gratitude and joy. I love myself as I am. I am happily married and doing what I was born to do in the world.

    So how did this shift happen?

    I can recall myself feeling overwhelmed after a long meeting at work, and looking for some inspiration to help me release the stress and feel better. As I was searching for The Secret movie on the YouTube, I “accidentally” opened another video that went straight into my heart: You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.

    Today, I know that was no accident. The teacher shows up when the student is ready—so true! I was so touched and absorbed by that movie, I couldn’t stop watching. Listening to Louise was pure magic; every single word went straight into my heart. I finally felt home, in a space where it was perfectly okay to be me: “I love and approve myself as I am. I am whole and complete and life loves me.”

    Over the next year, I discovered the work of other enlightened souls—Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, and Don Miguel Ruiz—inviting me to precious moments of self-reflection and deep learning. Their teaching helped me to let go of old thinking patterns and cultural limiting beliefs that didn’t serve me well.

    After much trial and error applying their wisdom to my life, I have found a new sense of freedom. Here’s how:

    1. I’ve let go of the need to be perfect.

    I am perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect, and this is what allows me to be me.

    Perfection is an illusion—it doesn’t exist. I stopped stressing myself out trying to be perfect and now I am always aiming for “good enough.” I have learned to embrace my mistakes as much needed opportunities for growth, blessings in disguise that make me wiser. If I fail at anything, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure, because I am not what I do. Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn. We never lose.

    “Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz 

    2. I’ve let go of the need to be busy all the time. 

    Being in a rush isn’t a sign of virtue. I have learned to listen to my body, and I no longer feel guilty for doing nothing. I know I sometimes need to recharge the batteries of my body and soul, and I don’t feel like I owe anyone any explanation for doing that.

    If I don’t have time for myself, I make it. Watching a good movie, listening to relaxing music, reading a good book, singing, taking a walk to connect with nature—I do whatever makes my heart sing.

    “I am a human being, not a human doing. Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t…you aren’t.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer 

    3. I’ve let go of self-criticism.

    I pay attention to my inner talk; I don’t call myself names, and I treat myself with dignity and respect. I stopped telling myself things I would never tell a good friend. I am enough, whole, and complete.

    I have come to understand that in life, we don’t get what we want. We get what we think we deserve. That’s why it’s necessary to believe in ourselves and see ourselves as enough and worthy of the best things life has to offer.

    “You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay

    4. I’ve let go of blaming.

    I now know that each time I blame someone else, I am making myself a victim. Blaming others for taking my time, my money, or my love is unfair, because I always choose how much I give and to whom. No one can hurt me or upset me without my conscious (and often unconscious) consent.

    Instead, I now take responsibility for the way I feel, act, and think. I am in charge of my actions, and I know my future is the result of my current choices. I am what I believe and whatever I choose to be.

    “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” ~Wayne Dyer

    5. I’ve let go of judging.

    I know that everyone is on their own journey, and my job is to focus on my own. I also know that each time I am judgmental with people, I’m reacting to something that bothers me about myself. If I believe you are mean, it means I can also be mean; how could I see that in you, otherwise?

    “Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgment gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie

    6. I’ve let go of making assumptions about what other people feel, want, or think.

    I am not them, so there’s no way to know what they’re feeling and thinking.

    I stopped making up imaginary scenarios and letting my mind play with me. Each time I find myself disturbed by what people do or say, I know it’s time for a reality check.

    From “The Work” of Byron Katie, I’ve learned to examine the thoughts that trouble me and ask myself: “Is that true?” Many of my assumptions likely aren’t. For example, I might assume someone doesn’t like me, when really she’s just having a bad day. Or maybe she’s just shy. Not everyone is the same.

    The moment I realize I can’t know what this person thinks, simply because I am not her, my mind gets clear and I am able to meet her with an open heart.

    “I found that my unquestioned assumptions were the cause of all war and all peace in my world.” ~Byron Katie 

    7. I’ve let go of competing with others.

    I now know that my need to fight is nothing but my ego’s scream for self-validation. I don’t need anyone to lose any game so that I can feel good about myself. I love harmony, collaboration, and win-wins.

    I’ve stopped comparing myself to others. I choose to connect with people from a place of love instead of fear, and I believe in abundance. I choose to believe that we live in a supportive universe, where there is enough of everything and for everyone, including myself.

    “Love is cooperation rather than competition.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

    8. I’ve let go of chasing happiness.

    I no longer project my happiness into an imaginary future, hoping that someday, when I have that job, that house, that car, that success, I will be happy. I have learned to find happiness in the small pleasures of life, and I embrace the only reality that is, the present moment, with gratitude and much joy.

    I stopped waiting for the weekends to feel like living because each day is a gift and every single moment is precious and equally important.

    The day I shifted my focus from stressed to blessed, everything changed. I am thankful for everything I am and for everything I have: a healthy body and mind; a loving family; a few genuine, long-lasting friendships I’ve made over time; and a job I love and believe in.

    “I have noticed that the universe loves gratitude. The more grateful you are, the more goodies you get.” ~Louise Hay

    9. I’ve let go of worrying about the future.

    I accept that there are things in life that I cannot control, no matter how hard I might try. Each time I find myself worrying, I keep telling myself “Time will tell.”

    I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I trust the flow of life, and choose to believe we live in an intelligent universe, where everything unfolds perfectly. Sometimes in life, even the time needs time.

    “Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.” ~Byron Katie

    10. I’ve let go of pleasing others.

    I no longer seek external validation so that I can feel liked or accepted. Worrying about what others think is a waste of time. Other people’s opinion of me is all about them and what they see in me, filtered through their lenses; it has zero to do with me.

    I’ve stopped expecting others to give me what I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention. Loving myself as a whole—body, mind, and soul—is not selfish. I keep my cup full of self-love, and I take good care of my needs and my heart’s desires.

    I have learned how to make powerful choices for my highest good without worrying about disappointing people. People disappoint themselves by setting expectations for who they want me to be or what they want me to do.

    Saying no to things we don’t want to do is a learned practice and a sign of self-care. If it sounds like a “should,” I don’t do it. I go for the things that feel like a want. My wants come from myself, instead of being imposed on me by others. I always choose how I am spending my precious time and with whom. I know my time is my life, and it’s never coming back.

    My life is about me and I have the right to make my own choices. Life is to be lived, not existed, and I choose to live it authentically, with no apologies and no regrets.

    “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    —

    My self-transformation into the mindful person I am today didn’t happen overnight. It’s been an ongoing process that required continuous inner work.

    Today, I am still a student at School of Life, and every day is a great opportunity for new learning. I know that I have the power to create my own reality, by the way I think. So I make sure I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, knowing my mind has power.

    And now, I would like to hear from you. Are you holding on to any of these things? What’s preventing you from letting them go?

  • How I Found the Gift in My Pain and Let Go of Resentment

    How I Found the Gift in My Pain and Let Go of Resentment

    “Change is inevitable, growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud

    How much time slips by when you’re living in the pain of resentment? Do you ever question if your bitterness has held you back from living your true destiny? Is blaming everyone else sabotaging your life and future?

    It’s only now that I can admit to the years I wasted pointing the finger at everyone else. It was easier for me to say it was their fault than accept responsibility for my own decisions. For me, attaining perfection was validation of my success. If it wasn’t achievable, then it was obviously someone else’s fault.

    Until one day, I took the time to watch the Tony Robbins’ documentary movie, Guru, for the second time. Amazing when you watch something again or read a book twice, you get something different out of it.

    There was a young girl struggling with the lack of love she received from her drug-addicted father. After admitting that it was her father’s love she craved the most, Tony Robbins led her to a breakthrough perspective.

    He told her if you are going to blame him for everything that went wrong, like not being Daddy’s girl, then don’t forget to blame him for making you a strong woman too. He reminded her that she was allowed to blame him for not being around but not to forget to blame him for teaching her how to cope at such a young age.

    Suddenly, I felt a shift within me. I connected to the anger deep within me, and somehow it no longer felt so heavy. What was happening? Unexpectedly, I realized the pain of my resentment was actually a gift.

    I have carried a lot of emotional weight in my heart, some of which still remains. My heaviness is rooted in childhood memories of hurt and confusion. At the blissful age of eleven, just when I thought life was pretty safe and stable, I had the rug ripped out from underneath of me.

    Infidelity and unfaithfulness had crept into our home and turned everything upside down. Everything I knew faded away as my mother threw his things around, screaming and crying. She was so emotional, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. Her anger was wrapped up in sadness as she packed up all of my father’s belongings into black trash bags.

    One by one out the door, like little pieces of my heart that she was just bagging up and throwing out. She set them out on our front lawn, and I stood there grieving.

    She didn’t see the little girl in the corner crying along with her. Someone forgot the little soul who was being traumatized by these big emotions. No one stopped the chaos for a minute to realize my heart was breaking too. My memories of Christmas traditions and Saturdays at the grocery store never came back.

    Everything changed, and I hated this new life.

    From then on, everyone always seemed sad around me. I recall listening to my grandmother try to comfort my mother as she wept in her bedroom for weeks. I can still see the shame in my father’s face as he came and visited us every once in a while.

    The raw vulnerability and pure helplessness I felt during those years were probably the most painful parts. The sense of being abandoned and left with all these intense emotions to deal with was so demanding. The pressure of trying to figure things out with no sense of direction left me with an underlying sense of unhappiness all the time.

    It was then a seed of undeniable pain was planted. I would spend years nurturing this seed like it was my life’s purpose.

    Growing up, I appeared to be okay with the change, but the days of confusion were simply endless for me. My new normal was abnormal, and the finality of the chaos ended when I accepted the idea that my parents would never get back together.

    My mother was left trying to hold it all together, and it was a struggle to watch over the years. For the sake of her children and with the little strength she had left, I watched her work tirelessly to preserve the memory of a good life.

    Despite her dedication to her children, the inevitable happened: Her little children grew up. We created our own version of our childhood memories, and our seeds of hurt began to bloom.

    It’s a shame how pain, resentment, and fear have a way of spreading like wildfire within us. It shows up in the friends we hang out with, the partners we choose, and the weaknesses that destruct us.

    When things fall apart, it’s hard to think clearly, let alone follow a path of success. It’s far easier to point the finger and hand out slips of blame to anyone close to you. But after years of feeling heavy, I was tired. I was ready to let this baggage go.

    That evening, I reflected on what Tony Robbins said to the girl: “If you are going to blame people, then blame them for everything.”

    This is how I transformed my resentment into gratitude:

    If I was hardened by the things I didn’t get as a child, then I must be grateful for the life skills I now possess.

    The resourcefulness I’ve gained throughout the years is immeasurable. I don’t say that out of arrogance, but out of pride. I used to resent the lack I grew up with, but now I’m so thankful because it nurtured my resilience. The desire for more fostered an enormous amount of determination within me.

    If I blamed my parents for a tough childhood, then I must also thank them for teaching me how to be a great mother.

    The insatiable craving to feel loved, noticed, and important gave me the skills to connect with my son on the most fundamental level. I know the value of establishing and maintaining this relationship with him because that’s all I ever wanted growing up, a close connection to my parents.

    If I was saddened by the years of confusion in my life, then I must acknowledge the beautiful clarity present in my life now.

    The tears shed were not in vain. Instead, they washed away a distinct path for me to travel. I can see the gift of my writing. The dreaded confusion gave birth to my innate ability to connect to others’ pain and articulate what they feel.

    If I allowed the pain of my sadness to grow, then I must not forget to appreciate the goodness in my life.

    I know what it feels like to be sad, but this led me to experience happiness on a whole new level. I find joy in really simple things, like a good cup of coffee. I can feel bliss when I am with my husband doing absolutely nothing. Most of all, I can live with a sense of true contentment in my life.

    If I found fault in everyone for all the things I thought went wrong in my life, then I’m indebted to all these people eternally.

    The agony I perceived as targeted was destined to be part of my life. The people I couldn’t forgive, who fostered hate within me, I now love even more. It’s because of them that I now live a fulfilled life with more to come.

    You see, this is all part of life’s plan. The people we despise, the rage we harbor, and the bitterness we nurture are actually the tools we need to grow and evolve. The goal of transformation is to gain a higher level of awareness in our lives.

    There is no achievement in staying stuck when the goal is to walk through these milestones. The problem does not lie in another person; it’s the fixed perspective you are perpetually protecting. Do not prolong experiencing real joy. Time is fleeting.

    Transform your bitterness into sweetness, and your purpose will reveal itself to you. Dig deep, not to find fault in others, but to find the gifts within your soul; therein lies the gift of your pain and the beauty in all that you have suffered.