Tiny Buddha

Category: letting go

  • 5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again

    5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again

    “When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac

    A while back I began to feel out of sorts with my writing. It happened after coming down from the high of creating almost nonstop with my inner muse. I noticed that I began to feel down, like the feeling one gets after being at the amusement park when the excitement is over.

    Creating and finishing my projects had been a wild ride. It was exciting and intense at times. But once done, an insidious feeling began to over take me.

    My thoughts began to wander to “the dark side” questioning my abilities.

    What if I can’t create something new? What if people don’t like what I have done?

    Like after any expenditure of energy, there is always a lull. Lulls have been known to drain ones creative energy if you let them. I know from experience that if I let myself I can easily slip into a creative stupor.

    When in that lull or in that space between creativity, it may seem like nothing is happening. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. We need that break.   

    When in this state I feel sensitive and quick to take things personally. I could just do nothing and give in to the disappointment when things have not gone as I have expected. Alternatively, I could use this as motivation, a starting point for another creative endeavor.

    But self-doubt has a way of getting under your skin. For me I begin to feel an uprising of the “you’re not good enough” gremlins inside me when this happens.

    I remember when this happened after something I submitted online was not accepted.  It felt like a rejection. “Forget it then!” belted out a voice inside with the force of a 2 year-old having a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way.  (more…)

  • Decluttering Made Easy: How I Lightened My Load from the Inside Out

    Decluttering Made Easy: How I Lightened My Load from the Inside Out

    “Letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.” ~Unknown

    Last December I found myself sitting on my floor, having just left my job and a ten-year relationship. As a result, I was about to leave my home too. In front of me was a mountain of possessions that I somehow had to take with me to wherever I was going next.

    Clothes, bedding, books, notebooks, electronic bits and pieces, boxes of ornaments, and sentimental “things,” handbags within handbags, flocks of high heels, tsunamis of paperwork…

    And then there was little me.

    I felt overwhelmed by my possessions. It seemed unnatural to have accumulated more than I could carry alone, or at least fit into my car.

    Outside, it was the run up to the holidays in the middle of a recession. Half the country was unable to afford their heating bills, let alone presents. So to distract myself I brought a handful of things to a children’s charity shop down the road: teddies, pictures, a wicker basket that would be perfect for a child to keep toys in.

    And that unleashed the floodgates.

    I felt good—for me, because my burden of possessions had shrunk, and for the children, who might receive these things at Christmas.

    While the basket was hard to give away—it had been mine since I was a baby—giving it away made me see that I was better able to mentally cope with getting rid of things, than physically cope with trying to take it all with me.

    And so an epic spring clean began in the middle of my winter. Three weeks of rifling through boxes and shipping stuff out to charity shops, friends, family, the trash, and eBay.

    Some things were easy to give away. Others were not. Certain things I had no use for—yet something made me hesitate to let them go. I came to know these hesitations as emotional speed bumps. (more…)

  • How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Poor Choices and Minor Mistakes

    How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Poor Choices and Minor Mistakes

    “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    I have just eaten enough pizza to satisfy three people and I’m feeling awful for having done it. Awful because my stomach can only hold so much, awful because I know I’m going to pay for eating it (dairy and I have a difficult relationship), and awful because I know I shouldn’t have done it.

    This is what my internal monologue looks like:

    Me: I feel so sick.
    Inner Me: You shouldn’t have eaten so much then!

    Me: I know but I really fancied it and I hate wasting food.
    Inner Me: You always do this, you know that?

    Me: I thought I could do it differently this time.
    Inner Me: What, you mean not gorge? We spoke about this, Sam. We spoke about how the last time really was the last time.

    Me: I know… I kind of caved though.
    Inner Me: You lack discipline; you need to be stricter with yourself.

    I could go on for ages, but you get the idea.

    Everyone has that voice inside of them that might berate them for less than wise choices: that unnecessary new sweater (to join all your others); the new phone (even though the one you have now works perfectly); staying up late to finish work (that could have been done earlier in the day if only you hadn’t spent the afternoon catching up with your favorite TV series).

    A lot of people let this voice get the better of them. They let it get out of control to the point where, instead of being a good moral compass, it becomes a guilt-tripper of tyrannical proportions. It harms instead of helps. But why do we let this happen? (more…)

  • 4 Lessons about Perfection Born from 1000 Failures

    4 Lessons about Perfection Born from 1000 Failures

    “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” ~Voltaire

    This was just not working out. I had ended up in a failed attempt every single time. This was my 4th day of trying to fix everything.

    I had wanted to make a video for my blog—just a minute-long introduction. Not that I didn’t have one already.

    I had a video up and running. But that was from my first attempt, and everyone knows there is always room for improvement.

    After the video went up, I started to see how I could do better than that. I was not going to be satisfied with something just good enough.

    I wanted to emphasize the right words. I wanted the right amount of pause where it mattered. And just enough rise in the tempo of my voice where needed.

    The lighting had to be perfect. An overcast day would not help. I wanted to dress right, I wanted to look right.

    I wanted to sound enthusiastic, not pushy. I wanted to put my best out there.

    My husband offered help with setting up my precarious camera set up. But I politely refused. I wanted to do it all by myself.

    I didn’t need to lean on anyone to get the million settings just right. I was being self-reliant, or so I told myself.

    My camera stood on a tripod pulled to the maximum. My lap-top was perched on top of a step stool which stood on a cane foot rest, which in turn was balanced on a dining chair. This was needed in order to bring the tele-prompter software running in my lap-top level with my line of sight.

    Then there was the little matter of keeping my bouncy toddler from demolishing my rickety set up with a single sleight of his hand.

    If persistence was something that could be learned, I had got it down pat. (more…)

  • Living Fully Book Giveaway and Interview with Shyalpa Tenzin Rinpoche

    Living Fully Book Giveaway and Interview with Shyalpa Tenzin Rinpoche

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The Winners:

    Have you ever felt like the present moment is passing you by while you’re caught up worrying, analyzing, planning, and trying to protect yourself from pain and loss?

    It’s one the pitfalls of the human condition: we often paralyze ourselves in the pursuit of happiness and abundance, and in the process, miss out on the joy right in front of us.

    Shyalpa Tenzin Rinpoche has devoted his life to helping people live joyful, mindful lives, free from the burdens of their minds.

    In his new book, Living Fully, Finding Joy in Every Breath, Rinpoche summarizes his teachings in succinct, easily digestible sections. The result is a guide for living in the moment, peacefully, connected to the people and the world around us.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Living Fully:

    • Leave a comment below
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book GIVEAWAY & Interview: Living Fully (comment on the blog to win!) http://bit.ly/ydAMit

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, March 11th.

    The Interview

    1. You were trained to be a Lama from the age of four. Did you always feel certain you wanted to be a spiritual teacher?

    Even though I was trained in the most ancient Tibetan Buddhist spiritual tradition from a very young age, I personally never intended to become a spiritual leader. (more…)

  • Control Less, Trust More: How I Learned to Relax and Let Go

    Control Less, Trust More: How I Learned to Relax and Let Go

    “The closest to being in control we’ll ever be is in that moment when we realize we’re not.” ~Brian Kessler

    My nine-year-old son said something so profoundly right that it kept me awake. He said that in order for him to be happier I would need to let go of controlling him all the time.

    Now granted he is young, and believe me, if I didn’t tell him to get dressed he’d run outside in PJs, but I was struck by his wisdom because this is also my obstacle to becoming happier.

    In the past, the more I felt out of control, the more I tried to control others. We moved many times, sometimes to different continents for my husband’s job. We had children, and not all of them planned.

    My husband and I drifted apart over the years, realizing we are very different and have completely diverging core values. I became sick with an eating disorder, a scary and tricky disease.

    I felt overwhelmed, scared, alone, and lost. This is where the controlling mind came to rescue and took over. In time, my eating disorder became stronger than me, and yet also a familiar friend.

    I tried to control both my eating and my body—and also the lives of everyone around me.

    The emptier my marriage felt, the more I tried and control my husband’s behavior at home. The more I felt overwhelmed with my job as a mother, the more I structured my kids’ activities, often making them do things they didn’t want to do. Needless to say that didn’t help to foster my relationships with them.

    I tried to control every aspect of their lives. Whether it was the lunches that needed to be made with a specific type of bread, or the homework having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch, I told them how to do it and had a hard time letting them make their own choices.

    I was hardly ever wrong—at least I didn’t think so. I thought control equals security equals happiness, up until the day when I took a close look at my life and found that nobody around me was smiling anymore.

    They were miserable. They lit up when their dad came home because he did things with them that were fun and, best of all they never knew what would happen with him. With me they could foresee everything, and the routines were never fun or joyful. (more…)

  • Forgive Yourself and Change Your Choices

    Forgive Yourself and Change Your Choices

    For almost four years I held onto a feeling that I had somehow done something wrong—that I hadn’t tried hard enough, that I had somehow failed my daughter.

    In May 2008 my daughter’s father had arrived home after staying out all night. He told me he no longer loved me, found me attractive, or even fancied me, and that at eight years younger than him I was “too old.”

    I was completely stunned.

    While our relationship had many of the usual flaws, we had never fought, and I’d believed him one month prior, after we bought a new home together, when he said he was the happiest he’d ever been in his 45 years.

    After the initial shock had worn off, I moved into a house with my daughter and I began to reflect back. I realized that for the previous eight years, I had in fact been living in some sort of cloud-cuckoo land.

    I realized I had overlooked many real issues that had existed between us because we had a child. I had worked full-time, putting our daughter in childcare, while he remained unemployed and “too depressed” to look after our girl, spending hour after hour laying on the sofa watching movies.

    I had never questioned how he went out, bought a sports car, two motorbikes, and a yacht after coming into some family money, while I continued to pay for all food, child care expenses, and household expenses.

    I suddenly realized all the “girl friends” he had and communicated with on a daily basis, via text and email, were in fact “girlfriends.”

    And then I got angry; in fact, I became wild.

    But I didn’t get angry with him; I turned that anger on myself. I hated who I had become.

    How had I allowed myself to be hoodwinked by this financial opportunist?

    This anger manifested in excessive spending. I racked up a lot of debt and I found myself feeling out of control. (more…)

  • Releasing the Urge to Push and Being Kind to Yourself Instead

    Releasing the Urge to Push and Being Kind to Yourself Instead

    “Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John De Paola

    Pushing has always been the way I get things done.

    Actually, I should be more specific: pushing myself harder has been the way I get things done.

    I grew up believing that life was hard, and that the only way to survive was to give up indulgences, buckle down, and trudge forward. Uphill. Against the wind.

    In my small, suburban high school, I spent hours after my classes ended wrestling with quadratic equations.

    I had the overwhelmingly generous help of my teachers, who tutored me for free in their after-school time. I had the patience of an incredibly gifted best friend to accompany me at study sessions.

    Still, I felt alone in it all. I cried (weekly, probably) over math and science. Other subjects came easily to me, but the black-topped tables of the science classroom consumed my experience of school. I still remember how smooth and cold they were under my elbows.

    I continued on to college at one of the most expensive private schools in the U.S., sinking into student loan debt with every lecture. When depression swept me away during my first college semester and my grades suffered, the only solution I saw was to work harder, to sleep less.

    The results weren’t good: I exited the school year with deepening depression and a blossoming eating disorder.

    It seemed the harder I tried, the worse things got.

    Over the next several years, things improved, though I still didn’t feel like I had much control over my life. Happily, I fell in love at first sight with the prettiest (and kindest) girl I’d ever seen, and she shone her light into many of my dark corners. (more…)

  • Why Too Much Choice is Stressful and 7 Simple Ways to Limit It

    Why Too Much Choice is Stressful and 7 Simple Ways to Limit It

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    When I bought my car, I visited only one showroom. I’d made the decision that this was the car for me in around one hour, and chose not to spend more hours or days of my time going from one place to another to check other deals and different cars.

    If I hadn’t have found this car, I would have gone to another dealer. However, I’ll never know if I could have saved money by haggling elsewhere, and I don’t care.

    I’ve had my trusty and reliable vehicle for over six years now and so far, I’ve never had to pay more than general maintenance and upkeep. So it was worth every penny.

    You may be shocked that I made such a large and important purchase in this manner (and I’m not a wealthy person by any means). But I was confident it was a good deal when I found it and it’s never let me down.

    I now make most of my purchases like this. I’ll give myself a single option (like shopping at just one store), or will limit them (such as browsing four vacation brochures instead of fifteen), and once I’m happy with the decision, I’ll stick with it.

    Why? Because I think too much choice is stressful. And you can quite literally send yourself crazy with it, like I did.

    Choice anxiety!

    At one time, my need to “shop around” and my desire to keep options open before making decisions was bordering on obsessive. I dithered. I wore myself out. I got confused, and even anxious, when I needed to buy stuff, even if it was just a new winter coat. (more…)

  • Will You Get Bitter or Better?

    Will You Get Bitter or Better?

    “Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

    I am a member of a mercifully small subset of society. I am the mother of a dead child.

    Twenty years ago, my daughter Grace—my first child, my only girl—was born prematurely and died 32-minutes later. As I write this, I am astonished that it has been twenty years since I met my daughter for the only time.

    Time stopped for me when Grace took her last little breath. And I was certain that my life could never start again. 

    I was wrong.

    Here’s what made all the difference in my healing:

    Over time, I learned to bless the thorns in my life. I began to see that the thorn and rose define one another. Since, one cannot exist without the other, we can only enjoy the rose when we embrace the thorn.

    As a society, though, we make healing from loss very difficult. We unintentionally tell each other lies about suffering and the healing process.

    One of those lies is that “Time heals all wounds.”

    If time healed all wounds, why do so many people suffer their entire lives from things that happened decades ago?

    As one of the bereavement experts I studied explained, it’s not “time” that heals all wounds. It’s hard work. And hard work takes time.

    Here is some of the hard work of healing: (more…)

  • 9 Lessons on Loss, Forgiveness, and Healing

    9 Lessons on Loss, Forgiveness, and Healing

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    I’m trying to meditate but I find myself overcome by sadness; I’m still grieving after all this time.

    I’ve gone through phases of forgiveness recently that have shown me how to acknowledge the painful relationship I had with my mother, the anger and resentment we shared, and the loss of each other that we both went through the older we grew. Maybe it’s not as bad as that, but it feels like it.

    My reflections have brought me closer to the woman who I never took the time to understand because we were both so volatile and weighed down with our problems; I’d shuddered when my family would say “You’re just like Mum,” but now I smile because I see how true it is.

    I yearn for a stable life, just like her; I live with chronic illness, mental and physical, just like her; I escape into creativity, just like her.

    We differ too.

    I’ve decided to do something about my anger. I’ve taken steps to open my heart. I’ve learned to forgive and be forgiven. One thing I’ve not done yet is grieve. I lost my Mum.

    I lost her gradually through my life in that I didn’t ever feel like we were mother and daughter, more two people living together who spent every day treading carefully, trying to avoid eye contact and arguments.

    And then four years ago she died. She’d been sick for a long time and I knew it was coming. I’d prepared myself from a very young age for that cold January afternoon, for when I’d hear the news that she was dead. I was at once free and cut loose.

    I lost the person who, if I had only opened myself up, would have protected me to all ends, even if she didn’t understand what I was going through. (more…)

  • Embrace Fear and Find Your Center: Riding With No Hands

    Embrace Fear and Find Your Center: Riding With No Hands

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    My mom leaned in and gave me a goodnight kiss. The only light illuminating her face was coming from the hallway. I looked up at her, and in the confidence of the dark confessed, “I saw it.”

    “It” was my birthday present, waiting patiently for me to wake up in the morning and claim it from its place in the garage. “It” was a turquoise blue Stingray bicycle with a white pleather banana seat and an extra tall sissy bar.

    I’d seen it by chance, tucked back in a dark corner, and knew instantly it was for me.

    I couldn’t stop myself from ruining my mom’s surprise. I just couldn’t contain my joy. That bike was the answer to my 10 year-old dreams.

    And I wasn’t disappointed.

    My new bike was the coolest mode of freedom I could imagine. It took me to the local pharmacy for candy and back to the school playground to meet up with my friends. Like an addict, I lusted for the feeling I got from riding past the Skerkoske’s house, Marcia Brady hair blowing in the breeze, singing “I Think I Love You” at the top of my lungs.

    Riding something so beautiful gave me all kinds of cocky confidence. I was fearless. Within days, I was pedaling through the neighborhood, arms waving madly in the air, shouting “Look at me world!  I’m riding with no hands!”

    I let go without ever calculating the risks involved.

    Fear crept up on me gently, a part of the ever expanding feeling of responsibility that came along with growing up.  

    Or maybe I’d heard “Hold on to that bike young lady! Do you want to end up in the hospital?!” one too many times. Whatever the cause, the magic of my turquoise blue Stingray was no longer enough to make me feel invincible.

    I grew afraid of falling off.  (more…)

  • The Intimacy of Loss: Being Together in this Fleeting Moment

    The Intimacy of Loss: Being Together in this Fleeting Moment

    “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

    I love my wife, so it stung the other day when she said, “Hmm … You’re going to have trouble letting me go, aren’t you?”

    She’s not walking out on me. You see, she has multiple sclerosis (MS), and she’s referring to the day she can’t walk any more. She’s convinced herself that she can’t handle the guilt of ruining my life, and expects me to leave when she says so.

    I knew Caroline had MS when I married her. I also knew I loved her.

    And I knew from experience what it was to live in a loveless marriage, hoping against hope that if you work hard enough at it, things will turn around. Of course, there is an element of work in marriage, but it’s got to start with chemistry.

    I fell in love because of our chemistry. Yes, physical chemistry—she’s a real beauty—but I’m not talking about that, either.

    We care about the same things, like honesty and depth and clear insight. And we don’t give a damn about the same things, like having loads of money or achieving great, big visible success.

    Still, we live well, eat well and enjoy fine wines. However, Caroline’s turning into a bit of a homebody as her legs grow less reliable. Her car’s being fitted for a hand-operated brake. She had a bit of a scare recently, so it’s time.

    They say you don’t die from MS, you live with it. Well, they can say what they like. Those are words; we live with the reality.

    Most of the time Caroline’s full of life, charged up by her work as a personal life coach and filled with the satisfaction of seeing eye-popping changes in her clients’ lives. Still, MS is a chronic, degenerative illness. She’s gone through all the scary attacks of temporary blindness, vertigo, and electrical storms in her body, weakness, profound fatigue and inexplicable pain.

    She avoids medications. They’re no cure and the side effects suck. Her mood is usually good, amazing actually. She has a bright outlook on life, and is a great wife and mother.

    When I say she inspires the hell out of me, I’m not just being polite. Being with her has changed my life. (more…)

  • Tiny Buddha Book Giveaway and Top 10 Insights of 2011

    Tiny Buddha Book Giveaway and Top 10 Insights of 2011

    Tiny Buddha Chilling on a Cairn

    Important Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen! You can purchase Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions on Amazon.com. Also, be sure to subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails!

    The winners:

    Happy almost 2012!

    It’s been an exciting year for Tiny Buddha. For one thing, the community has grown, but what I find most exciting is that the number of people sharing their stories and engaging with other people has increased exponentially.

    During the first year, I published two posts from the community per week. In January of 2011, submissions slowed down, and I wondered if perhaps I’d need to take a new direction with the blog.

    In February, however, that all changed, and posts started coming in so frequently that I was able to publish one per day, and oftentimes had to ask people to hold off on submitting so that I could catch up.

    That has remained steady all year, and I’m excited to see that countless insightful, helpful, loving conversations have unfolded in the comments, some which included me and others that did not.

    Tiny Buddha is what it is because people are willing to be honest about their experiences, and in doing so help others and let them know they are not alone. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll contribute a post in 2012!

    I have learned so much from everyone who has shared themselves here. So here are the top 10 insights of 2011 (based on page views and comments): (more…)

  • Letting Go of the Fear of Uncertainty and Embracing Adventure

    Letting Go of the Fear of Uncertainty and Embracing Adventure

    “Each time you stay present with fear and uncertainty, you’re letting go of a habitual way of finding security and comfort.” ~ Pema Chodron

    Being the thought-out planner with a neatly plotted road map—and a compass tightly gripped in one hand, pointing due north—I cringe a bit (okay, a lot actually) at the thought of changing direction, being adventurous, and going off the beaten path.

    I’ve purposefully designed my external life for security—the cushy job, maximizing the 401K, additional streams of income to insulate the extra-super-comfy-security, a large home for a future family, long-time childhood friends, and a solid marriage.

    I am deeply grateful for all of these and, on most days, find pride that my focused, linear thinking has created a surrounding of comforts.

    As I venture further on this journey, though, I realize that anchoring ourselves with an abundance of security can actually become a dangerous habit.

    It can create an attachment that prevents us from being fully awake.

    My straight-path mindset hadn’t really prepared me for an off-roading adventure. I held a belief that if I softened my resistance to allow things to go in a direction other than I had planned, this would be a mini-failure of sorts—a “giving in” to the unknown.

    And the unknown, after all, is deeply rooted in scariness, signifying weakness, giving up, having no direction. It’s not secure, and far, far from safe.

    Or so I had thought.

    Sometimes we can be blindly walking down a path and then an obstacle, a detour, or a sharp turn appears, asking us to expand our mind and heart to see and feel differently.

    This past year, I found myself becoming a security-junky of sorts, as I would not allow for an unforeseen change to enter my life.

    I would stand firmly at the arrival of this unwelcome circumstance with crossed arms and a tremendous amount of resistance. I held tightly onto my compass, my road map pressed against my chest, and didn’t want to let go. (more…)

  • How to Stop Being a Neat Freak & Stressing About Keeping Things Tidy

    How to Stop Being a Neat Freak & Stressing About Keeping Things Tidy

    “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~ Bernice Johnson Reagon

    Have you ever hung up a towel and not straightened it or folded it or arranged it in some way as you did so? Have you ever just casually tossed a towel over the towel rail?

    I did that last weekend and it was a big event. I had to laugh at myself for having this obsessive quirk, but doing that was almost impossible. I was in a hurry putting away the laundry, and there were those two clean towels to be hung back in the bathroom.

    I thought about just stuffing them over the towel railings—but I just couldn’t! However, when I realized how hard it was to do this, I made myself do it.

    I wonder if you are the same as I am about hanging towels “correctly” every time?

    When I asked my sister that question, her reply was, “Gasp! Wash out your mouth with soap!” And then she asked, “How long before you went back and straightened it?”

    The towel stayed in its tossed position until I used it after my shower that night. After I got away from it after tossing it on the rail, it didn’t bother me. I soon forgot about it—the towel itself wasn’t calling me back in there to fix it.

    I went to the bathroom later and managed to leave the towel as it was and just walked away again. It was a good exercise in self discipline.

    I’ve learned that I can make untidiness affect me less by doing my ignoring practice, just like during the towel incident.

    My partner thinks it’s hilariously obsessive to have to hang towels straight and tidy each and every time. Some people think habits like this (in others) are annoying. I wonder if it’s just as obsessive in another way to be annoyed by somebody who needs to tidy?

    My partner hangs his towels nicely most of the time, although not the way I would. I have made myself get used to leaving his towel the way he last hung it—I don’t even notice it any more. (more…)

  • Living in Extremes: Releasing the Need for Chaos and Control

    Living in Extremes: Releasing the Need for Chaos and Control

    “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Gandhi

    The next time I feel it urgent to text someone off Craigslist after 11pm, I may think twice.

    I was obsessed with attaining the body of a fitness model. I had recently been laid off and when life gets tough, I go to work—on my abs. It’s hard to accept that I can’t sweat away my troubles or make my problems magically disappear by tightening my thighs.

    I tend to be a little high-strung, and excessive exercise helps me cope. Or, it possibly just adds more fuel to the fire. Whichever it is, during this particular fitness frenzy I found myself at a Starbucks near LAX waiting for the Craigslist seller I texted the night before. He had what I needed, and at half the price.

    I have since learned that when you say, “Let’s meet at thatStarbucks by the airport,” both parties need to be very specific about which one “that”is.

    I’ve heard stories where one person is at this Starbucks while the other is at the store two blocks down, but I never considered the possibility of mixing up three locations.

    I got to the first Starbucks and looked for my seller. He said he’d be wearing a black jacket. I told him I’d be wearing workout clothes, as I’d be coming straight from my Barry’s Bootcamp class in West Hollywood. He didn’t need to know this, but I tend to give out unnecessary details.

    When I opened the door to enter the Starbucks, it was the type of entry that brings with it a gust of wind – blowing everyone’s hair and rustling their papers. Since all eyes were now glaring at me, it was hard to tell who was looking because they were selling and who was just pissed off.

    I felt one man looking longer in my direction than the others. I walked up to him and whispered, “Are you the guy with the P90X?” He paused for a moment and then laughed, “No, I’m not.”

    If I had asked someone in, oh I don’t know, Minnesota for P90X, they would probably call the cops. In L.A., the familiarity obviously skewed high. This man knew right off that I was referring to Tony Horton’s 90-Day Extreme Home Fitness Workout DVD Program, and not a new blend of Ecstasy.

    I realized what I must have looked like to that man in my gym clothes trying to score P90X from the streets. I appeared to be an obsessive fitness fiend! I was feeling pretty embarrassed when I got a text from my seller: “Running 15 minutes late. Sorry.” (more…)

  • Simplify Your Life by Eliminating These 7 Problems

    Simplify Your Life by Eliminating These 7 Problems

    Life has a tendency to become overly complicated and stressful, particularly because things change so quickly. I’ve identified seven problems that you can eliminate to make your life a whole lot simpler (which doesn’t mean boring or less interesting).

    Problem #1 – Too Much Responsibility

    Think back to a year or two ago. How much extra responsibility has come into your life since then? You may have too much stuff, too many possessions, too many projects, and too many commitments.

    Spreading yourself too thin reduces focus, increases stress, and lowers overall performance.

    Too much stuff could include anything from a new cell phone to a new swimming pool to a bigger house. It might be nice to have more possessions and new gadgets, but they often come with responsibilities and maintenance. Ask yourself if you’re being owned by the things you own.

    It’s also exciting to get caught up in many new hobbies or projects. I did this when I got into building websites. Before I knew it I was working on twenty projects at the same time and seeing minimal results across the board. It took me a while to realize that I was working like a maniac, yet none of my projects were anywhere near completion.

    These days I’m only working on two to three projects in total. Not only do I feel more relaxed because it’s easier to keep track of what I have to do, but I can also see significant progress in my work month after month since I am doing less.

    Try to simplify your life. Cut down your possessions, projects, and hobbies to relieve some of the responsibilities that you don’t really need to have. (more…)

  • Book Giveaway and Review: A Lamp in the Darkness

    Book Giveaway and Review: A Lamp in the Darkness

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The 5 winners:

    “Sometimes we have to go right into the fire in order to find our true healing.” ~Jack Kornfield

    No matter who you are, no matter what you’ve accomplished, no matter how well you’ve planned, you will deal with challenges in life. We all will. And many times, they will hit us unexpectedly.

    We will all lose things and people we love. We will all make mistakes and have to deal with their consequences. We will all experience the pain of declining health, either in our own blood and bones, or as a bystander to people we love.

    When we feel hurt, or angry, or terrified, or weak, we often try to numb it in one way or another—sometimes because we’re afraid the pain will break us, and other times because we’re ashamed of just how fragile we are.

    We may not always remember it, but we are simultaneously strong; and no matter how many times we break down, we can grow, heal, and prosper.

    In his book, A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times, Jack Kornfield helps us access our inner calm and wisdom to do just that.

    I received this resource at a time when I couldn’t have needed it more. Doctors had just identified numerous large tumors and cysts in my body, and I was awaiting test results.

    After initially responding with resistance and terror, I waded deep into hours of uncertainty, where I realized my deepest pain was coming from my fears, obsessive thoughts, and ensuing emotions. Luckily, I soon learned that I’m in no immediate danger, but I know there will be other times when threats will be real—not just for me, but for all of us.

    In those moments, we will need to depend on our own capacity for equanimity, even if we feel powerless and scared. A Lamp in the Darkness guides us there.

    A bestselling author and renowned spiritual teacher, Kornfield weaves poignant stories of surviving and thriving with simple guidance to help us understand and work through our suffering. (more…)

  • Letting Go of Insecurities with Two Realizations

    Letting Go of Insecurities with Two Realizations

    “What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly.” ~Carl Rogers

    I used to spend an awful lot of time worrying about people liking me. Or what people thought of me. Or what they thought of the clothes I was wearing. Or whatever.

    It’s taken me a long time to realize two things:

    1. Most people really aren’t even taking notice of us. (They’re too worried about what other people think of them.)

    2. Of the few who are noticing us, the people who are judging us harshly are not the people we want around us anyway.

    Makes sense, right?

    It’s actually something I’d heard a hundred times before, but it never really sunk in.

    So why had it not sunk in? What made it so hard to believe this is actually the case, and that I should give up caring what people think once and for all?

    I think, in simple terms, it’s built into our human nature. We’re social creatures, therefore we want to be sociable; and we think that in order to be sociable, everyone has to like us.

    Otherwise we would become (gasp) social outcasts.

    I recently moved from my small town to London. Capital city, UK. The big smoke (for the UK). Scary.

    I decided, in my quest to try new things and get healthier, to join the gym at the end of my road.

    Unfortunately, I’ve never felt quite at home in a gym. For me, it’s almost like that scene in Pretty Woman when she walks in to the designer store for the first time, and all the shop assistants look down their noses at her.

    I have to admit, that doesn’t actually happen—at all. But it’s happening in my head, because in my head I also hear “You’re not as good as them,” “They’ll think you’re stupid,” and “You don’t fit in here.” (more…)