Tiny Buddha

Category: letting go

  • Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness – Don’t Let Anger Hold You Back and Weigh You Down

    Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness – Don’t Let Anger Hold You Back and Weigh You Down

    “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” ~Gandhi

    For many years forgiveness was not in my mind, let alone my vocabulary. I was taught to believe that forgiveness was a sign of weakness, and I certainly did not forgive anyone who hurt me.

    In the past, I have engaged in acts of revenge, which I thought was the right thing to do at those times. I was wrong.

    One event that springs to my mind was when I was the target of a cruel prank. A group of guys had taunted a young man I knew, telling him that he was “whipped” by his girlfriend, who lived with him. To prove this wasn’t true and that he could “get anyone he wanted,” he pretended to like me and proceeded to call, text, and show an interest in me.

    I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, and I liked him, so I went along with this, unaware of the game. I soon found out what was going on. So, what did I do? I released all hell and vengeance.

    I was hurt and embarrassed on so many levels to be the butt of a cruel joke. I felt like everyone was laughing at me behind my back. In retaliation, I contacted his girlfriend, went to their house, and showed her all the messages. We even got him to message me back while I was with her. We then waited for him to come home as we both sat there.

    She had thrown all his stuff outside and torn his clothes. She cut his guitar strings in front of him and kicked him out. Did I feel satisfied? I thought I did, but a few days later I felt so guilty. This guy was now homeless, the girl heartbroken, and I looked like a home wrecker. I know I did the right thing in being honest; I just went about it the wrong way.

    I have since learned the power of forgiving—both others and myself.

    The most important situation where I have forgiven myself was something that happened when I was only thirteen years old. This situation haunted me for many years.

    I told my dad I wanted him to die. I know that this happens between children and their parents; however, the difference here is that my dad killed himself that night.

    A lot led me to telling my dad to die, that I hated him, and that he would never see my brother or me again. Nonetheless, I said something I regret and I know that he listened to that message.

    How can you move forward from such an act? An act that was done in defending my mum and wanting to protect my loved ones.

    I have had to learn to forgive myself.

    My dad had already made up his mind up before I said what I said. He was mentally unwell and no longer wanted to live. Maybe my words tipped him over the edge. But for me to live and not die with my dad, I had to forgive myself.

    Forgiveness is one the best things you can learn to do for yourself. It can free you, eradicate anger over time, and leave you open to receiving wonderful things in your life.

    In my life, I have been hurt, I have hurt others, and I have lost people along the way. I have done stupid things and had awful things done to me. However, I eventually realized that focusing on the past and holding onto anger was not serving me. The answer is and was forgiveness.

    The only thing holding you back from forgiveness is fear. Fear of letting someone “off the hook,” fear of being hurt again in the future, fear that you may have to change, fear that you may be perceived by your peers as weak, and fear that you may become soft. These fears may seem rational, but they stop you from leading a loving, open life.

    Forgiveness is an art form that takes practice. It’s not something you ever fully master, as life moves on and each passing moment brings new experiences and new ways we can be upset or hurt. Each situation is a chance to grow and become more awake to a better life.

    I used to be so angry at the world, my family, and mostly, myself. I regret some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I know the best apology you can ever give is changed behavior, and that is exactly what I have done. I have changed how I treat others and how I respond when they hurt me.

    With commitment to change and increased meditation, I am working on forgiveness constantly. Each time a memory comes up or I see something that upsets me from my past, I send it love. The way to a better life is through love. Through love, we can forgive.

    I release my anger toward others, as it doesn’t assist me. Each time I feel a pang of jealousy, anger, or annoyance, I forgive myself and let it go. Forgiveness is an act of self-love.

    When working on forgiveness and opening your heart, painful feelings and memories may come up. But the rewards of choosing to stay open and forgive far outweigh the negatives.

    When we work on becoming open and eradicating all that blocks us, this opens us to love and possibility. When we hold in anger, we carry that situation or person with us and keep hurting ourselves. Why would you want to keep hurting yourself?

    You’ll never move forward unless you let go.

    When we choose not to forgive and hold in feelings of anger, jealously, and resentment, we remain in a negative state of being and living, and in turn attract more of the same situations into our lives.

    But there is another way.

    I will often laugh now when I trip up instead of getting angry. I don’t get mad at myself when I make a mistake, and I don’t get mad at other people as much anymore.

    I’m learning to forgive the man who cuts me off when driving or beeps his horn at me. I don’t let the fact that someone lies to me or tries to cut me in a queue upset my inner balance.

    It’s hard to do and I struggle sometimes, but I keep practicing, because keeping it in and holding onto it simply doesn’t serve me.

    When I slip up, I forgive myself and realize where I can do better next time. I don’t want negative emotions and memories inside me, so each time they come up I work on releasing and surrendering.

    If we want to experience happiness, relief, and true well-being, we must practice forgiving.

    When you feel anger or someone upsets you, be assertive but approach the situation from a higher place of love.

    When I am reminded of a past hurt or see something that upsets me, I will face it, imagine it surrounded in white light, and breathe in and out, with the out breath releasing the negative feeling.

    That does’t mean I forgive instantly; for some things, it comes in time. I give myself that time and work on it because I know forgiveness is an antidote for poisons that can corrupt the body, cause illness and disease, damage the soul, and pain the mind.

    When you are ready you will learn the freedom in forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself if you aren’t the weight you think you should be, forgiveness to the ex for hurting you, forgiveness for yourself for hurting them, forgiveness for the times you messed up, because you simply cannot take these things back.

    Holding onto anger holds you back and weighs you down. Learn to forgive and feel as light as air. You’ll then be open to receiving all the goodness that’s available to you in life.

  • Conscious Breathing: A Simple Way to Heal Your Pain and Be Present

    Conscious Breathing: A Simple Way to Heal Your Pain and Be Present

    “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I never gave much thought to my breath unless I was submerged under water for long periods without any.

    Today I rely on it for more than the obvious function of keeping me alive.

    Breathing has become my biggest tool and best friend.

    It has become a foundation for living with conscious presence and awareness.

    Breathing consciously has helped me overcome anxiety and has provided a gateway into peace.

    The breath has helped me move through long-buried emotions and trauma.

    When I try to exert control over outside conditions, my mind speeds up, I feel anxious and fearful, and I create false scenarios of doom and destruction.

    My biggest savior in this downward spiral has been breathing. Lying down, putting on some music, and beginning to breathe. Breathing in and out of my mouth. Taking in as much oxygen as possible, with no gaps between the inhalation and the exhalation.

    In the past, I have resorted to other means of dealing with this anxiety of my mind. Alcohol, drugs, and excessive exercising were some of my favorites.

    Today I have given all these other methods up, as they didn’t really work.

    What are some of the methods you use to quiet the mind? Do they serve you? Do they actually help or make things worse?

    In the past I was running away from feelings, trying to avoid the internal chaos.

    Breathing helps me move through the feelings and chaos.

    It sounds so simple, and it is.

    Through breathwork, my life has transformed.

    I used to be ready to defend myself at any moment. Really.

    Inside my body, I felt surges of adrenaline, as if an attacker was about to kill me. I was always on high alert, ready to pounce into action.

    The excessive exercise kept this adrenaline rolling at high levels all the time. I was addicted to it and almost felt like I needed it to survive.

    Eighteen months ago I began conscious connected breathwork. From my very first session, I was hooked. This was better than drugs.

    As a result of my breathing, all of my unconscious, buried cellular emotion started to surface. Unpleasant blacked-out memories from childhood, traumatic experiences—they all came rushing back.

    It became very clear then what I had been running from. I didn’t want to face those painful feelings.

    I made a commitment to myself, however, that I would continue to show up. I dropped the story. I dropped any goal of “fixing” myself and just let go.

    I decided I would be willing to lie down for an hour and breathe. Whatever happened from there was what needed to happen. I dropped the “poor me” drama that this horrible trauma had happened to me, and instead, I felt it.

    The terror, the anger, and the pain became my companions. Welcoming them in with open arms, I breathed through them—and they passed.

    I stopped, turned around, looked straight at these feelings, and took my power back.

    Today, I am not on the run anymore. My body doesn’t shake like it used to, and my legs aren’t constantly twitching up and down.

    I can sit still.

    I know now that when my mind starts to create drama, I can lie down and breathe.

    The clarity comes, the peace comes, and the feelings pass. I allow them, without trying to make them be any different.

    Is there something you are on the run from? Childhood abuse? A traumatic incident? Relationship heartbreak? What would happen if you faced it?

    What if the resistance to facing and feeling what you are avoiding is actually worse than going through it?

    What if under the mental obsession is fear, and under the fear is freedom?

    The obsessions of the mind are not real.

    They are fantasies created to take up mental space. Like watching a soap opera on TV, it takes us out of reality. It is a distraction.

    What if you decided to turn off the TV in your mind that is creating false dramas to keep it entertained and distracted?

    What would be in the space without the constant stream of mental soap operas?

    What I have found in this space is presence, peace, and grace. The feeling that everything is okay right here and now.

    Right here and now is all there is.

    I live in Bali and have an early morning 4:00am routine that consists of making a cup of coffee, writing, breathing, meditating, and praying. I honor the ancestors, then I drive on my motorbike to yoga and practice being present in the moment as I drive.

    Breathing with awareness helps me to be here now. It snaps me back into the moment.

    I notice and watch the sunrise.

    The early morning Balinese action is all happening on my way to yoga. The women making their offerings on the street, the children on their way to school, the dogs and chickens in the road, the men on their way to work in the rice paddies, and the local market buzzing with action—I take all this in as I drive.

    These moments matter. This is what I love about my life here in Bali. The everyday moments of life as they unfold.

    When in the present, gratitude erupts. Smiling inside, I feel whole and complete, and nothing else really matters.

    Breathing on my scooter, on a bus, while waiting in a line, I take five conscious breaths. Sometimes I count to five on the inhalation and count to five on the exhalation.

    This breathing practice comes with me everywhere I go.

    We all have the gift of breath. Use it. Become conscious of it.

    Turn off the mental TV and see what is truly there: A stunning sunset. Colorful flowers. Birds soaring. A happy child smiling.

    These moments are like snapshots that will never again be repeated. Missing these moments is missing life.

    Today we have a conscious choice to wake up out of the fog, wipe off the lenses, and see through the haze.

    The breath is our anchor. Use it to connect, to breathe through feelings without having to change them.

    Breathe into the emotions that scare you and allow them to come. Welcome them with open arms, and they will pass.

    The only way out is through, opening the doorway to presence and freedom.

    Breathing is our ticket into the present, our passage through the buried trauma of the past, and our vehicle to process difficult emotions.

    Conscious breathing is a life changer, accessible to all, and you can begin right now.

  • Surviving Loss: You Always Have Choice

    Surviving Loss: You Always Have Choice

    “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~Stephen Covey

    One ordinary night after an ordinary day of work and family, I went to bed a mother, wife, teacher, writer-person.

    I remember falling asleep between sentences exchanged with my husband after an evening spent with just the two of us on our patio, something we rarely seemed to find the time to do in our busy lives. We promised each other that we’d make a concerted effort to have more of these “dates.”

    The next morning, on what was supposed to be another ordinary day, I got out of bed and found my husband collapsed on the living room floor.

    Our three young children slept in the nearby bedrooms as the 911 operator guided me through chest compressions.

    Our babies, ages six, three, and one, slept as the firemen wheeled their father out of our home. They were sleeping when my parents rushed over so I could follow the ambulance to the hospital. I imagine they were still asleep when I was told by a doctor that there was “nothing they could do.”

    The moment I officially became a thirty-four-year-old widow.

    Widow.

    It’s a word that sticks to your tongue, something you want to knock on wood to prevent. It makes people avoid eye contact with you. It undermines your entire identity, forcing you into a new existence filled with the brutal realities of a life you didn’t sign up for and would never want.

    Yesterday I was me. Today I am somebody else. I felt like a child protesting sleep before nap time. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna.

    Maybe it wasn’t real. If I didn’t look at it, it might go away. 

    Except it wouldn’t.

    I never contemplated this scenario as an option and I wasn’t prepared for the devastation. I don’t know if advanced warning would have helped, but something about the unexpectedness felt like even more of an injustice.

    In a moment, my life was ripped in half and I felt a total loss of control of body and mind. I didn’t recognize myself. My brain felt like it was floating away and I couldn’t remember details.

    I couldn’t sleep or eat.

    But the pain I will never forget: a deep, searing kind that transcended anything physical.

    There are practical matters to consider when one becomes a widow. Decisions nobody wants to think about, particularly when you are numb with grief. I found myself immediately bombarded with choices.

    Mortuary choices. Funeral service choices. Financial choices. Parenting choices. Even stupid, little choices, like where to buy gas after having a husband who took care of that chore for the last ten years.

    Humans generally dislike hard choices. Inconvenient choices. Sad choices. Uncomfortable choices. Confrontational choices. Too-many-choices.

    When you are used to making decisions with another person, you might feel nervous and unsteady venturing out into the world alone. I remembered that once upon a time I lived alone and made decisions by myself, but now I felt out of practice.

    I questioned my skills and capability. The grief made me forgetful, emotional, angry, sad, empty, and scared.

    I frequently questioned my reality. I wondered if everything was always just a mirage in my head. Perhaps I was never married. It had to be a dream, or maybe a cruel trick, and now the rug was pulled out from beneath my feet.

    In the days after my husband passed away, my six year old was moping around the house. I knew in my gut what choice I had to make. For him. For me. For all of us.

    On a whim I grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled this down:

    We have two choices: 1) Lay down and crumble, or 2) Get up, do great things, and make Daddy proud.

    I circled the second choice. My son listened as I explained. He hung on to my every word and facial expression.

    I knew I had to channel everything inside of me to convey to him that we would be okay, even if I wasn’t convinced of it myself. I knew I had to lead.

    We didn’t choose this path.

    But this was our life now and we still have a lot of good years left to live.

    Nobody prepares us for the sludge in life, but this is exactly what being human is about: the good, the bad, the painful, the happy, the sad, the everything-in-between.

    We can choose to sit down and surrender to our current circumstances, or we can get up, dust ourselves off, hold our heads up high and move forward.

    It will hurt.

    We’ll feel wobbly at first.

    But we can do it. We are capable. We are strong. We still have a lot of love inside of our hearts to do great things.

    The only other option was not an option for us.

    People often say that good things can happen out of the bad. I’m here to tell you that it is true.

    In the horror of it all, buried in the pain and the raw emotion, there was something magical and enlightening about loss. It exposed a side of life that I never previously experienced. It’s a strange, curious feeling that shocks you to the core and simultaneously makes you realize that there is still so much more to learn and discover about life. It can’t be over yet.

    Your perspective will change. Everything about your thinking will forever change.

    This is good and bad.

    You will mourn the loss of your innocence and the days of naivety, but in return you will discover that you have newfound empathy, an ability to feel other people’s pain deep in your bones. You become sensitive to everyone else’s losses: the person going through a divorce, the couple who lost a baby, the child in a dysfunctional home, the person struggling to fight cancer.

    You know what suffering feels like. You’ve walked through hell and your calloused feet are stronger because of it.

    Nobody escapes this life without suffering, and now it is your turn. Tomorrow it might be someone else’s. But the universe doesn’t keep score, so you shouldn’t either. Acknowledging that you can’t control everything is part of your liberation process. It isn’t personal. It just is.

    When life doesn’t go as planned, we must hold on to the knowledge and hope that we still have choices, and that we are strong enough to make them.

    There is always Plan B. Plan C. Plan D.

    I don’t claim to have all of the answers, but this is what I’ve learned about making choices and how to navigate through difficult times.

    Invest in Your Health

    The temptation is out there to drown your sorrows in unhealthy habits that temporarily make you feel good. A quick fix always sounds great, but you’re in this for the long haul. There are no quick fixes to help you rebuild the rest of your life.

    Sleep may feel impossible. Or maybe you’re sleeping too much. Exercise may not be a priority. You might eat horribly.

    Choosing healthier habits—working out, getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying away from substance abuse—will promote good health. If your body isn’t well, it will permeate all aspects of your life in a negative and destructive way.

    Strive for balance, reflect regularly, and readjust when it seems you are going astray. Staying healthy will help make the mental agony of loss a little easier to overcome.

    Avoid Isolation

    It is vital to maintain connections with the people who love you. Even when you don’t feel like seeing anyone, it’s important not to isolate yourself. Your friends and family will form a chain of love around you in the early days of loss and help you get through the rough patches.

    Sometimes they won’t know what to say. Actually, most of the time they won’t know what to say. Forgive them. Know that they have good intentions.

    Everyone is bumbling their way through this experience. Most people want to help, they just might not know where to start. Don’t build walls around yourself. Let them in. You won’t regret it.

    This doesn’t mean you become a doormat. It is important for your mental health to establish boundaries with people, particularly with family who can have a tendency to become too comfortable with us and inadvertently cause us pain. You must enforce these boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable.

    Express your feelings and don’t apologize for them. Most people in your life will not understand firsthand what you are going through. They won’t even know when they have crossed the line. They may even blame you for getting upset.

    People are not perfect, so don’t hold on to their mistakes and don’t hold it against them. It will only drive you crazy. Forgive soon and often. Also, you will learn who your closest allies are, who you can trust with your innermost feelings, and who you can lean on. These people will play a tremendous part in your healing process.

    Figure Out What You Love

    Our passion is what keeps us afloat day in and day out. Doing what you love will help your sanity during the most tumultuous times. It is imperative that you remember or discover what makes you happy.

    For me, it’s writing fiction. Creating characters and getting lost in story worlds is my escape. It’s what nourishes my soul on my most painful of days. I also enjoy traveling, music, exercise, reading, and staying busy in my community.

    You must determine your own personal interests. Make a list. Go out and do them. Do not let the loss define you. You are so much more than that. You get to define yourself. You make those choices.

    Make Time for Yourself

    I’m now an only parent of three young children. Time is a rare commodity, but it’s not extinct. I have to actively pursue it and I’ve become skilled at scheduling and time management. I share with others that if I can have a full-time job, remain active in my community, parent my children without a spouse, and still find time to write and do the things that I love, then they can too. We all can.

    I don’t have any superpowers. I figured out how to make time. I used my choices to prioritize. I make mistakes and I adjust. I make more mistakes and I adjust again.

    Banish “I can’t” from your thoughts and vocabulary. Eliminate “I don’t have time.”

    Choose to make time for yourself. Even a little bit of time will help. Sometimes I have to get creative about making it happen, but I am committed to loving myself.

    Stay Busy

    Don’t stay home and allow yourself drown in sorrow. One of the worst things to do in the midst of surviving loss is to have time to twiddle your thumbs and wallow in self-pity. There will be a time and a place for the wallowing, but you don’t want it to consume your life. You don’t want to get stuck there.

    Acknowledge the feeling, make space for it, feel it, and then move on.

    Being a young widow with small children is both a curse and a stroke of luck. Children don’t have time for wallowing. They still need to eat, be changed, entertained, and cared for every single day. There is no such thing as taking a break from those responsibilities. It is what kept me going during my toughest times.

    If you don’t have this in your life, then you’ll need to create the “busy-ness.” An object in motion stays in motion. Keeping your mind occupied is healthy and important.

    Forgive Yourself Soon and Often

    You’re going to have good days and bad days. I have great weeks when I feel like I’m on top of the world and doing an amazing job. The next week I might feel like a hysterical mess. The waves come and go. That’s what they do. Ebb and flow. It’s normal.

    Allow yourself time to cope with the bad days. Recognize the negative feelings and understand that they are only visitors in your mind. Temporary visitors. They will go away.

    When the bad thoughts visit, take a bubble bath. Splurge on nice sheets and comfy slippers or whatever little comforts you want to indulge in. Read something fun instead of tackling work. Give yourself permission to relax.

    Ride out the bad wave and wake up the next morning with a fresh start.

    Forgive yourself. This is the most important advice I can give you. On some days you may feel your loss morph into a three-headed monster in your head. You’ll hate yourself. You’ll hate the universe. You’ll hate the person you lost and you’ll start feeling hate backing you into a corner. That’s when you have to push it back. Acknowledge it in the room, compartmentalize, and then choose to not let it consume you. It will be a struggle.

    I often ask myself at the end of a day: Did I do my best? Did I do everything I could’ve done?

    If the answer is yes, then that’s it. Nothing else I could’ve done.

    If the answer is no, then I make a concerted effort to do a little bit better tomorrow.

    But in that moment, it’s okay to pause. Reset. Take a break to do something happy. There are many more chapters left in your story.

    At the end of the day, everyone has to go through their experience of surviving loss in their own way. Life doesn’t always go as planned, but that doesn’t mean your life is over. You get to choose what is next. That is your power. Remember, you are not alone.

  • Why Striving For Perfection Is Actually Holding You Back

    Why Striving For Perfection Is Actually Holding You Back

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    I used to strive for perfection in every aspect of my life. I thought perfection would make me “acceptable” to others.

    Deep down, I felt inadequate, insecure, and not enough. And subconsciously, I decided that if I could just achieve perfection with myself, my body, and my life, than I would finally feel the deep love and inner acceptance I longed for inside of myself.

    As a kid, I demanded a perfect report card: only straight A’s would suffice. I spent hours upon hours studying in high school and college, doing extra credit, attending office hours any chance I could get, all in a desperate attempt to maintain a 4.0 GPA.

    As a young adult, I agonized over what career path to pick, wanting to pick the perfect job that would be my dream career. I was desperate to be the best, wanting to be the perfect employee, and giving nothing less than 150% in every project I worked on and presentation I did.

    I was terrified to make a mistake and required excellence in every task. I was afraid of others judging me. I didn’t see it my mistakes as learning experiences; I saw them as a way of others seeing what I didn’t want them to see: that I was flawed, imperfect, and somehow not enough.

    I demanded perfection in every part of my life. But the area I struggled the most with was the desire for body perfection.

    As a teenager, I decided that 110 pounds was the “perfect” body. I spent years trying to whittle my body down with exercise, diets, and restriction in an attempt to get the figure I deemed flawless.

    The pressure I put on myself to be a size 2, to eat only 1200 calories a day, to spend at least 45 minutes at the gym daily was agonizing. I lived and breathed this obsession of needing and wanting to be perfect.

    Looking back, I can see how detrimental this drive was to living and enjoying my life. In my chase for perfection, I put unnecessary pressure on myself to be something I was not. I wasted hours and hours trying to be someone different and wishing I was somewhere other than where I currently was.

    But the biggest lesson of all was that in my quest for perfection, I wasn’t really living.

    The reality is that striving for perfection holds us back. We spend so much time doing, striving, achieving, in an endless quest to get it all “perfect,” and we end up missing out on what life is really about: being in each moment and experiencing life where we are, as we are.

    I vividly remember New Year’s Eve in 2007. One of the dear friends I had met living abroad in Thailand was in town and wanted to see me. She wanted to do dinner with a group of people, then head out dancing for the ball drop.

    I agonized over this decision to go or not. I remember wanting to meet up with her, but feeling so awful about my body not being “perfect” that I didn’t want to go out and have to “hide” my body in baggy clothes.

    It pains me to say that I didn’t go. I gave up a chance to catch up with this dear friend, to have fun with others, and to dance the night away because I was unhappy with my body. I stayed home that night and ran on the treadmill in my parents’ basement.

    It was the ultimate low in my quest for body perfection: I decided that I needed to burn off what I had eaten that day and work to “fix” myself into a smaller size.

    The anxiety I felt about eating more calories at a restaurant, when I already felt “fat” in my body, pushed me to stay home and run on the treadmill. It was a moment of life that I missed out on because I was desperately pursing a perfect body.

    When we’re caught up in the pursuit of achieving the perfect body, finding the perfect mate, landing the perfect job, or being the perfect person, it actually hinders us from seeing how beautifully our journey is unfolding right before our eyes.

    Perfection detracts you from the incredible life path you’re on and prevents you from seeing the gifts that are always in front of us. So the next time you get caught up in the endless pursuit of perfection, here are three things to remember:

    1. Perfection isn’t attainable.

    We try so hard to achieve an ideal in our lives that is next to impossible. There really is no perfect body, perfect job, or perfect life. It isn’t possible to have our lives be happy, joyous, and 100% problem free. Unexpected tragedies happen. Something doesn’t turn out as you hoped it would. Someone you love disappoints you.

    When you understand that perfection isn’t actually something you can achieve and maintain forever, you can let go of the never-ending quest for your job, your body, your parenting skills, or your relationship to be perfect.

    Letting go of this unattainable goal is a huge sigh of relief. We don’t have to try to be perfect, because it’s impossible anyway! Once we relax into the idea of letting go of perfection, life becomes easier, less stressful, and a lot more fun.

    Perfection leaves little room for error and joy, and while life can sometimes be messy, it’s during these times where we learn and grow (and have some adventure along the way).

    2. Perfection isn’t authentic.

    When you’re always striving to be perfect, you miss out on showing the world who you truly are. Years ago, when I was in the throes of dieting and restriction, trying to be “perfect” in my eating and my body, I wasn’t being true to myself. I was hiding from the world, desperately trying to conceal what I thought were imperfections.

    In the drive to be perfect, I never allowed myself to be vulnerable—to show up and let myself be seen. I thought when I’d reached perfection, I’d find approval and acceptance. But since the pursuit of perfection is an endless chase, the approval and acceptance never came.

    It was only when I had the courage to drop my unattainable goals and bring my true self to the world, imperfections and all, when I began to find the inner acceptance I had wanted all along.

    It was scary to show up as who I was without wearing a mask or pretending to be someone I was not. But I began making decisions for and from me.

    I quit my job and traveled for a year without an agenda (giving up a well-paying, secure job in the process). I ended a relationship that was no longer serving me (letting go of a man who was also my best friend). I took Spanish classes, wore a bikini to the beach without a cover up, told friends I wasn’t into partying anymore, and began to speak up for what I wanted and what I thought.

    It wasn’t easy or comfortable, but it was incredibly freeing. I felt vulnerable and naked, but as I began to express my honest opinion to others, voice what I needed or wanted, follow my own preferences instead of what was expected of me, and show more of who I was to the world without hiding, it got easier and easier.

    Your imperfect self is enough. Allow yourself to show up in the world as you are. When we’ve demanded perfection from ourselves for years, it can be scary to let go of our ideal and let the world see us as we are. But this is where your true, authentic beauty resides. Not in perfection, but in bringing all of who you are to the world.

    3. Perfection is stagnation.

    No one is meant to be perfect in any area of life, whether it’s your body, relationships, personal growth, habits, or your career, because in a “perfect” world, everything is stagnant. There is no growth and no evolution. It is only through mistakes, missteps, and experimentation that we learn and grow. 

    Looking back on my life, most of my decisions that seemed irrational or didn’t make sense in the traditional way ended up leading me to a path that was a perfect fit for what I needed and wanted. Life is funny that way.

    I quit a stable job, but had incredible adventures traveling South America for a year. I left my hometown to move cross county without a plan, but ended up starting a business that is my true passion. I mistakenly got thrown into a role that I didn’t want at a job, but learned so much about fundraising and development that I ended up enjoying it.

    These “mistakes” allowed me to see how perfection would have actually held me back. If I had followed the “perfect” path, the path without risk, without chance of failure, and the path that felt safe and easy, I never would have had these life-changing personal growth experiences.

    Many people who are striving for perfection in their life path, wanting to plan it all out and have it go exactly how they think it should, end up missing out on some of life’s best surprises and most meaningful moments.

    It is a refreshing way to view life. To allow ourselves to make mistakes is a relief, whether it’s messing up our food plan, getting into a fight with a family member, expressing emotions to a close friend and having it come out all wrong, or experimenting with a new hobby knowing you’ll likely mess up trying to master it. It’s these “mistakes” that allow us to incorporate feedback and chart a new course.

    If we’re constantly striving for perfection, we end up missing out on the lessons we most need to learn. In the pursuit of being flawless, our eyes are always looking three steps ahead of where we are. And as we’re consistently living a few steps ahead, we end up missing out on life’s most precious moment: now.

    Perfection isn’t something you can achieve because it doesn’t actually exist. So the next time you find yourself striving to be a more perfect version of yourself, remember that the imperfect, flawed, vulnerable you is perfectly enough.

  • How to Forgive When You Don’t Think You Can

    How to Forgive When You Don’t Think You Can

    Angry Couple

    “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ~Steve Maraboli

    Have you ever had a relationship, friendship, or marriage that ended so badly it took years, a decade, or even longer to heal? Have you ever wished you could forgive someone but just didn’t think it was possible?

    Fifteen years ago I was twenty-six and in a relationship with a man that was destructive. After an intense romance in his home country, I made the poor decision that he should come to live with me in San Francisco—a decision that, in hindsight, was immature.

    Three months and one visa sponsorship later, we were living together and immediately fell into the challenges of modern day multicultural relationships.

    Aside from the fact that my boyfriend was jealous, obsessive, and immature—a trait I hadn’t seen clearly in the beginning—he couldn’t work legally, we didn’t have a common fluent language between us, and he was far away from his family for the first time in his life.

    The worst and most difficult part, however, were our cultural differences. My boyfriend was jealous, obsessive, and controlling, whereas I was a young, driven, independent woman.

    He would become despondent, accusatory, suspicious, and sometimes even fly into a jealous rage whenever I left the house.

    Our relationship became emotionally abusive, yet I was scared to leave. He was financially dependent on me, he couldn’t work and didn’t have anywhere else to go, and he didn’t have any family in the United States.

    I was riddled with guilt and felt horrible, because I had brought him to the US and felt responsible for him.

    After a year of struggle, he moved out and I settled into numbness, not wanting to begin to unearth the emotions that needed to be processed in order to recover. I was emotionally scarred and suffered years of nightmares.

    Time passed and I pushed the hatred in my heart deeply out of awareness. We never spoke, until a few years ago.

    I had just been through a traumatic family experience, and had begun a Metta, or loving-kindness, practice as a means of understanding the circumstances taking place in my life. Surprisingly, the practice enabled me to find forgiveness in my heart for my ex-boyfriend.

    Metta is a traditional Buddhist tool for cultivating loving-kindness. In the practice, we sit as if in meditation and let the energy of love into our hearts.

    We repeat a mantra in which we hold in mind a life without danger, with mental and physical happiness and ease of well-being.

    We start by imagining happiness and compassion for ourselves, and then, progressively, we extend love out into the world, to a benefactor, a friend, a neutral person, a difficult person, groups of people, and finally to all beings.

    I sat in the Metta practice for ten minutes daily, and I picked my ex-boyfriend as my “difficult person.”

    At first I had difficulty when I held him in mind and wished him a life of happiness and well-being, as I didn’t really feel he deserved that. However, over time it became easier and my resistance subsided.

    One day, after about a month of the practice, I was sitting at my computer and on a whim decided to look him up on Facebook. I looked at some pictures of him rock climbing, and a smile came to my lips.

    I saw some images he had posted, of cliffs, mountains, and people bouldering, and by and by I came across a girl, a baby a few months old, words of congratulations, a graduation, and more congratulations.

    Lots of memories came flooding back, and this time I didn’t block them out. I remembered our tears, his pain at losing me, the very different places we had been at in our lives during the time we were together, how naive and young we both had been.

    I came to the realization that I had as much to forgive myself for during that time as I did him. The tears brought about relief and then happiness, as I found myself truly happy for all of the good things that had come to him after we parted, evidenced by what I saw on Facebook.

    Then some good memories came to me; I had blocked them out over years of resentment and the inability to see anything good in him.

    I remembered what he had given me, how he had opened my eyes to a new culture, helped me explore a new country, revived my love of the outdoors, and supported me during my foibles with Spanish.

    An image flashed through my mind of a day we finished a pitch on a long climb in Yosemite, and I remembered that day with true and genuine fondness.

    This experience moved me and was the final step in my full healing from the wounds of many years before.

    Letting go of my negativity and resentment toward him brought about a lightness. He no longer appears in my dreams; I am able to look at everything that happened as a learning experience.

    The Metta practice served as a tool for me to discover the compassion in my heart, for him but mostly for myself, enabling the pain to surface, be processed, and dissolve.

    How can we use the healing power of loving-kindness in our daily lives? Especially when we don’t feel ready to forgive, when the effects of abuse go too deep, or when we simply don’t feel the other person deserves to be forgiven?

    Like the Metta Practice, there are tools we can use to overcome our own blocks to forgiveness, even when our minds and hearts aren’t ready.

    Here are some tips to remember:

    We are the primary beneficiaries of the practice.

    Despite the fact that during the Metta practice we focus on others, we are always the primary beneficiaries of our efforts.

    We can forgive someone and it doesn’t require getting in touch with that person or making them aware of what we are doing in any way. Just as when we hold hatred in our hearts we are the ones who suffer from it, when we find love in our hearts we benefit.

    It is best to start by cultivating love and compassion for someone we already love.

    Often the easiest place to start is not with ourselves but with someone for whom we already feel great love—a child, a dear friend, someone we admire or who has helped us in our lives.

    Even if we never extend our practice beyond this point, we already reap the rewards of the process itself. We are the ones who feel the great energy in the heart when we focus on our true desire for another to be happy and free from physical and mental pain.

    We must forgive ourselves for not being willing to forgive.

    Some human experiences are simply so destructive, some abuse so acute that we may not have the energy to process it. In this case, we can still benefit from forgiving ourselves for whatever negativity we hold toward ourselves for not being able to forgive or fully let go of the pain of our experience.

    Choosing to keep debilitating resentment and pain out of our awareness so that we can function in the world can also be a positive choice, if we stop feeling guilty about it.

    We can always choose to go at our own pace.

    We are always in charge of our own pace of change. We might not feel like forgiving now, and this doesn’t mean that we can’t choose it in the future. In the same vein, we can let go of our fear of forgiving by remembering we can always go back and harbor some resentment if we want to.

    We do not deserve to suffer.

    One of the illusions that we must let go of is that if we stop suffering, our aggressor will somehow benefit or be better off for it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. We hurt ourselves, when we deserve our own compassion. Even when a person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, we certainly do not deserve to continue to suffer emotionally over them.

    Before beginning a forgiveness practice, we can ask ourselves, “What do I have to gain from this?” and “How is holding this resentment harming or benefitting me?”

    There is always love and openness to be gained from forgiving, from processing our pain and grief, but when and how much we do is always of our own choosing.

    In choosing to forgive we choose ourselves and take back our power. It doesn’t mean that we need to befriend our difficult person or that we should begin spending time again with someone who has deeply harmed us in the past.

    In the case of my ex-boyfriend, we did not end up becoming friends again. However, I did end up sending him a Facebook message in which I shared that I had been engaged in a loving-kindness practice and that despite all our troubles, I had forgiven him and truly hoped he was happy.

    Almost immediately, there was a response. He was indeed a new father, living in his home country with his wife. He had forgiven me long ago, he said, and he had always felt grateful to me, for bringing him to the United States.

    After we parted, he went on to achieve some of his life’s dreams; he had climbed El Capitan, he had gotten his master’s degree, found a good job, and eventually moved back to Colombia with his wife to have a family.

    He was happy to know that I, too, was happy and successful in life, he’d always known and hoped that I would be. And truly I am.

  • Why No One Needs “Fixing” or Wants Unsolicited Advice

    Why No One Needs “Fixing” or Wants Unsolicited Advice

    Woman chatting

    “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’re lost.” ~Dalai Lama

    Have you ever felt the urge to fix someone? And by fix I mean observe their circumstances and tell them what you think they’re doing wrong and exactly how you think they should fix it?

    We’ve all done it. We’re all guilty.

    Especially with close friends or family.

    “If he would only listen to me and do what I say then everything would work out just fine!”

    Sound familiar?

    I was having tea with a good friend the other week (let’s call her Sally), and she was relating with much exasperation the story of how her sister was wasting her life in her corporate job when she was SO creative and should be working for herself in a creative role. And then she would be happy (according to Sally). Which apparently she’s not (according to Sally).

    Sally went on further to say (with as much exasperation) that she had called her and conveyed this opinion to her sister. Because Sally felt she was right and that her sister needed saving. Not surprisingly, it was not very well received. In fact, Sally’s sister was pretty miffed. And didn’t take the advice. Or speak to her for ages.

    I’m willing to bet Sally’s sister didn’t even consider the advice. Not for a minute. And not because she disagrees but more likely because she’s offended at being told what to do. After all, she didn’t ask Sally for an opinion.

    And there’s the first problem.

    If someone doesn’t ask for your opinion, they’re likely not open to it hearing it.

    It’s quite simple really.

    When you ask a question it’s because you’re interested in hearing the answer.

    Which means you’re interested in the topic being discussed.

    Which further means you’re going to consider the answer with interest and (hopefully) decide from an unemotional stance as to whether you agree with it or not.

    The opposite applies when an opinion—however well intended—is provided without your consent.

    Had Sally’s sister called and asked for advice, the outcome may have been quite different.

    In my early twenties I remember having tea with my mom and enthusing excitedly about a new business idea I’d had. Now, my mom was from the “old school” where job security was your first priority, and in her world it was safest to find a “nice” job in a “nice” company and stay there until you retire or die (whichever comes first).

    Unsurprisingly, her response to my idea was one of complete skepticism and doubt. Which she verbalized immediately. Very loudly. And critically.

    In those days I didn’t have the awareness I have now. I didn’t see that this was simply her own fears being transferred onto me and had absolutely nothing to do with me. Nope, I reacted. Badly. And took it personally.

    After all, I hadn’t asked her for her opinion. I was just sharing an idea.

    I had expected her to be enthusiastic about my enthusiasm. To be supportive. To trust my judgment.

    Instead, I felt incredibly crushed. And I started doubting myself.

    And I felt a lot of anger toward her.

    But most importantly, I stopped sharing my dreams with her. And over the years I told her less and less. Because I knew she’d give me her (fearful) opinion. For which I had never asked.

    The second problem is, you’re assuming the person needs fixing, that what they’re doing is “wrong.”

    Our journey in this lifetime is our own. We’re the only ones who know what is best for us. And only we have a full perspective of all the elements of our lives and how they serve us.

    Even when we’re facing challenges, they are ours to face down. Our way. And when we see fit.

    Yes, we need to take responsibility for any fall-out, but isn’t that where our growth lies? Making choices and then dealing with the consequences? Good or bad?

    Maybe Sally’s sister is comfortable in her current corporate position. Maybe she feels secure with her stable income. And maybe she uses her creativity in a different way within her current position.

    Maybe from her perspective she doesn’t have a problem.

    My parents had a terrible relationship. At least that’s what I always told myself.

    They argued. Constantly.

    There was little or no affection. Ever.

    I always wondered why they stayed together. Surely they would both be happier apart? This relationship was simply wrong.

    In my view it epitomized the very essence of all the things you shouldn’t do or be in any relationship. And I told my mom this. Even though she hadn’t asked.

    Shortly after they both retired they moved to the coast to be closer to their grandchild. My dad had always been a workaholic and in his career he had travelled a lot. Not surprisingly, this really suited my mom. She loved her own company. Now in retirement he was home. All the time. And followed her around like a puppy.

    She was unhappy. Incredibly so. And would vent this to me at any opportunity.

    From my perspective, the answer was obvious. It was time to end this sham of a union. And I told her just that. With abundant justification and a healthy dose of righteousness.

    It was simple. If she would just Do. As. I. Say.

    But she didn’t. I don’t even think she really heard me. She did what we all do when we get uninvited “solutions” to our perceived problems: She got defensive. Really defensive. About her marriage and my dad.

    And we argued quite aggressively and loudly. And then we didn’t speak for many weeks as we both simmered in quiet indignation. I absolutely believed I was right.

    And yet, now that I’m older and wiser, I can look back and see that in my parents’ world it was right.

    For them.

    It worked.

    For her. And him.

    We can never know how someone else’s circumstances (however bad they seem) will serve them in the bigger picture of their life’s journey.

    We can never know what someone else’s perspective is around an event that we may judge as bad. Or wrong.

    Maybe in their world it’s right. Or good.

    It’s hard (really hard) to watch people we love go through hardship. Our instinct is to help. Or fix.

    But remember.

    In any relationship our only obligation is to show up and bear witness. Unconditionally. That’s all. We only ever want to fix someone because ultimately it’ll make us feel better.

    Why do we feel uncomfortable when someone close is facing challenges? Maybe that’s the question we need to ask ourselves.

    Sometimes feeling discomfort is what provides the momentum that’s needed for that person to make some changes. In their own time. Not ours.

    Trust that their judgment will serve them irrespective of whether we agree with it or not.

    Respect their journey.

    Try it next time you feel the urge to fix.

    That’s your growth right there.

  • 9 Ways to Silence Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love

    9 Ways to Silence Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love

    Girl with flowers

    “I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green

    Do you ever wonder if that voice in your head is right?

    Do you relive events, scouring through every detail to look for places where you went wrong in your actions?

    Do you ever walk away from a conversation with your inner voice ranting that you should have done better—that you should have said this or that instead?

    That self-critical voice became a prominent friend of mine. I called it the gremlin. The gremlin leapt onto my shoulder after every conversation with a friend or acquaintance. Whispering in my ear in a snarky voice, repeating every sentence and telling me what I should’ve said instead.

    The gremlin and I would have dinner together after a shopping trip and review how much I’d spent, critiquing what I should have left at the store. We would then scrutinize the meal I’d just eaten and have a dash of dessert, since I had already gone overboard. This would inevitably be followed by a vicious verbal attack on my body.

    The worst part was that the gremlin played on my insecurities, exposed my weaknesses, and actually made me more critical of others (in an attempt to silence my criticism of myself).

    I realized how detrimental a friend the gremlin was when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. During a group therapy exercise, I could not write down two people who I thought would have something good to say about me. I just sat there with tears from my ugly-cry falling in my lap. It robbed me of any joy in relationships with others and myself.

    It was a devastating eye-opener.

    Allowing the gremlin to run the show had eroded my self-love and ruined my self-esteem.

    Self-criticism had dirtied my mind into thinking that nothing would ever go my way. I had nothing left inside that seemed admirable. All that I had experienced and achieved up until that point had no meaning for me.

    I eventually managed to break it off with my self-critical voice and built unconditional self-love. But it took consistent practice in searching for my own valuable qualities.

    These are some of the methods that worked for me:

    1. Confront your own gremlin.

    Confrontation is difficult, especially if it’s a part of yourself that you’re confronting.

    But if you want to rid yourself of your gremlin, you have to do it.

    How?

    One of the first things I did was consciously examine every thought. I listened to the tone of my internal dialogue. I found that it was not a loving or supportive voice.

    It was hard to recognize at first, but with practice I heard the distinct voice of my gremlin. I began to question its validity. Were its criticisms actually true? Was it taking things out of context?

    I questioned the beliefs about myself that the gremlin had been whispering to me all those years. I realized I had taken many things out of context, and my inner criticisms were extreme and punitive.

    Would it surprise you if I told you it is actually very satisfying to call out your gremlin and put it on sabbatical? It is a relief to confront the unending criticism and listen for a more supportive voice. When you stop taking its criticisms to heart, you’ll finally open yourself to self-love.

    2. Choose gentle observation.

    This world is a competitive place, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of scrutinizing your abilities. You have a lot invested and want to control the outcome of your experiences. This can create high expectations and disappointment when things do not run smoothly.

    At one of my past jobs, if I made a mistake, I would end up falling into the pattern of berating myself all day long. This accumulated until I no longer felt I did a good job, lowering my self-esteem.

    Now I choose to gently observe my productivity and monitor my progress. If I make a mistake, I correct it to the best of my ability and move on.

    It is through repeated acknowledgement that your self-love is able to blossom. Create a habit of recognizing a kinder vision of yourself—one that is more humane.

    3. Forgive yourself, and then forgive yourself again.

    We all make mistakes, but even tragic ones do not warrant withholding self-love. Self-forgiveness is an art that needs to be practiced and reinforced, especially when you’ve got a harsh internal self-critic.

    My gremlin has berated me through the years about not being a dedicated parent due to my time spent on self-care. To prevent myself from slipping back into depression and anxiety, self-care has become my lifeline and a way to maintain good health. Occasionally I have to put it before my family so I may attend groups or self-improvement classes.

    My family feels the impact of it, and when they protest, my self-critic whispers until I feel guilty.

    So I forgive myself for the time I’ve spent away. I forgive myself for forgetting something important that they told me because I was preoccupied with keeping my mind quiet. I forgive myself for putting myself at the top of my priority list.

    Forgiveness is a skill to be honed and perfected. The main benefit is freedom from the scorn of your inner critic. So forgive yourself daily.

    Every night before you go to sleep, make some time in your bedtime ritual to forgive yourself for something, even if it’s just a small mistake or done out of necessity. Tell yourself it’s okay, that these things happen, and see if there is a way to improve the situation.

    4. Expand your view.

    Sometimes you only see what is in focus. But when you focus on something too closely, you miss all the beautiful scenery. A Monet painting looks like mere splotches if you scrutinize it closely. But when you look at it from a distance, its beauty is breathtaking.

    In the past, whenever a friend hadn’t returned a call or was late for a night out, my gremlin would tell me they didn’t like me anymore. It would tell me it’s me and I was sliding down the popularity scale.

    But this was never the case. Whenever I expanded the view, I realized my friends had their own lives keeping them busy, and they missed me as much as I missed them. When we would finally get together, we had a great time, and I would experience all the love that was available to me.

    Your inner critic will always focus on the negative possibilities and make everything your fault. But when you expand your view, you’ll see the world is a very intricate, complicated piece of art meant to be appreciated as a whole.

    5. Let go of judgment.

    Life unfolds, and conversations evolve in the moment. It is when we look back with the benefit of hindsight that we judge ourselves for what was said and done. This habit is difficult to break.

    Recently, I had a conversation with my daughter. It really could have gone better. We ended up yelling, screaming, and crying. I let my emotions control my responses.

    My gremlin started in, and I immediately shut it down. I could have easily let it rage on with the judgments. I recognized that I could’ve done a better job of pausing and controlling my emotions.

    When you recognize those moments in which you’re judging yourself, show yourself compassion. You didn’t know how that moment would develop. You were just doing the best you could.

    It’s okay to think about what went wrong, but only in the spirit of improving yourself so that you don’t make the same mistakes.

    6. Choose something different.

    The inner critic often falls into certain thought patterns, and recognizing these patterns can help you develop different ones. A common phrase your inner critic may use, for example, is, “You always . . .”

    My self-critic would tell me, “You always interrupt people when they are talking.”

    It was true. I felt an inner excitement to share my experience when someone was talking with me, and I would interrupt them. I started to purposefully pause and became a deep listener. It has given me a deeper connection to the people I encounter.

    Listen for your inner critic’s distinct phrases; it’s a key time to evaluate the situation and try a different approach or reaction. This is probably one of the only times your inner critic is being helpful.

    When you choose a different way to act or react, you hone your skills and gain confidence in making choices that are beneficial to yourself and others.

    7. Remove the shackles.

    Sometimes being chained to your self-critic becomes comfortable and keeps you in familiar surroundings. The voice tells you to stay put, or you risk failure.

    What part of you is afraid to try something new? The freedom to explore new opportunities can uncover talents you possess, build upon your strengths, and may even lead to a new career or hobby.

    I benched my inner critic and started playing ice hockey at forty-three years old despite the fact I couldn’t skate at first. I gained new friends, improved my health, and learned some teamwork skills.

    The next time you recognize that your self-critic is keeping you safe, sign up for that class you’ve been eyeing or do something epic. Call that crazy friend of yours who is always going skydiving, and give it a try. You may just find an activity you become passionate about.

    8. Recognize yourself in others.

    We can often see others’ strengths more clearly and forgive their mistakes more easily than our own. But the qualities you see in other people are in you as well. It’s called the mirror effect.

    If you practice thinking kindly of and speaking kindly to others, it’s easier to recognize your common strengths.

    For example, pick two people now. What strengths do you admire in them? What do you normally compliment them on? Make a list of those strengths. Where do you see them in yourself as well?

    Optimize how you can rely on those strengths to help build more self-love.

    9. Unwrap your imperfection like a gift.

    Your gremlin has been sharing your imperfections with you for years. Acknowledge how those traits can work for you in your life.

    I have always been obsessive to the point that it has prevented me from finishing projects and kept me up all hours of the night. Simple projects that someone else would complete as “good enough” would become epic projects exacting perfection for me.

    My gremlin would tell me if I didn’t do something the right way, I shouldn’t bother doing it at all.

    But while this obsessiveness can be a curse, it can also be a blessing. You’ll never find me delivering sloppy work.

    For instance, when I was a teenager, I had pleasantly surprised my parents when they had me sand the peeling bathroom ceiling, and it came out as smooth as silk.

    And as an adult, I ran a large craft fair. I’d obsess over every detail for months, but this resulted in every fair going off without a hitch for the five years I helped.

    No matter what perceived flaws you have, you are an extraordinary human being. When have these flaws actually been helpful, and when have they hindered you? Choose to work on two flaws that would vastly improve your life, and accept the others as unique personality traits.

    Live free from Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love

    Since I’ve been challenging my inner critic, I no longer waste time putting myself down. Instead, I have developed a deep appreciation for my personal strengths and feel more confident. My depression is gone, and my anxiety has subsided. My mind doesn’t race after every conversation, and I feel a sense of peace most days.

    You too can experience this kind of freedom.

    It takes a simple awareness that will develop easily if you pick one or two of these methods and start to use them mindfully. Your skills at recognizing your self-critic will slowly build until you are not listening to it at all.

    Give yourself permission to let that cantankerous voice go and replace it with a supportive, empowering recognition of your strengths.

    Radiate so much love for yourself that the gremlin will be stunned into silence.

  • How to Release Shame and Stop Feeling Fundamentally Flawed

    How to Release Shame and Stop Feeling Fundamentally Flawed

    “But shame is like a wound that is never exposed and therefore never heals.” ~Andreas Eschbach

    Shame. Everybody has it. Nobody wants to talk about it. The less we talk about it, the more power it has over us.

    Shame goes to the core of a person and makes them feel there is something inherently wrong with them.

    I remember when I was a young girl, I struggled so much with feeling I was ‘less than’ others.

    There were many nights when I would say prayers to help change me. I didn’t like my freckles. I was so embarrassed by my body. I hated the fact that I had a lisp. My skin was either pale as a ghost or the color of a tomato. I would get blotchy when I was the center of attention. This list could truly go on and on. What I was really experiencing was a strong sense of shame.

    Shame is often the trademark in hurting families, and almost always part of the underlying matrix of psychological conditions.

    It may start with someone not owning their own feelings and making it about someone else. I was such a sensitive kid. I would get made fun of for having emotions, and this eventually led to my own struggles with insecurity that surfaced as depression and anxiety.

    In our society, shame and guilt are often intertwined. However, these two emotions are quite different.

    Guilt’s focus is on behavior. It’s about what we do. When we experience guilt, we have gone against our own code of ethics.

    Guilt tells me that I am not doing what has been expected of me. This emotion usually serves as being an internal conscience. It helps me to not act on harmful impulses. The great thing about guilt is our values get reaffirmed. There is a possibility of repair. We can learn and grow.

    Shame’s focus is on the self. It’s not that I did something bad, but that I am bad. It gives us the sense that we do not measure up to others. We are defective. We are damaged goods.

    A person cannot grow while they are in a space of shame, and they cannot shame others to change. This concept is like saying “you are worthless and incapable of change, but change anyway.”

    When we’re in shame, we don’t see the bigger picture. We feel alone, exposed, and deeply flawed.

    Oftentimes, we will respond to shame by moving away from it, moving toward it, or moving against it. Moving away from it means to withdraw, hide, and/or stay silent. Moving toward would be appeasing and/or pleasing others. Moving against suggests we try to gain power over others. We use shame to fight shame.

    As human beings, we are wired for connection. We come into the world needing connection in order to survive. When we are in shame we unravel our ability to connect. Our first reaction to shame is to hide.

    This may mean we work all the time, attach to someone in an unhealthy relationship, or withdraw from our community. More so, we may have difficulty with healthy levels of self-esteem. We may fluctuate between arrogance, grandiosity, and low self-worth. As a result of this dynamic, we are either one up or one down in a relationship. Relationships lack substance, honesty and meaning.

    According to the research of Brené Brown, shame needs three things to survive: silence, secrecy, and judgment.

    Shame thrives on being undetected. The only thing shame cannot possibly survive is empathy.

    We have to find courage to talk about shame. When we dig past the surface, we find that shame is what drives our fear of rejection, to not take risks, to hate our bodies, and to worry about the judgment of others.

    We are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors or to attack others. When we are honest about our struggles, we are less likely to get stuck in the black tar of shame. Shame cannot hold on when we name it.

    So, how do we become aware of shame? And, what can we do about it?

    Well, we first have to name shame when we are feeling it.

    When I make statements like “I am an embarrassment” or “I am such a failure,” what I’m really feeling is shame. When I attack my being, I need to recognize the shame and reframe the belief. “I am not an embarrassment, I just did an embarrassing thing.”

    The next step is to develop more awareness about when I am experiencing shame.

    We have to become mindful of our triggers to shame. Our feelings, beliefs, and actions are motivated by these triggers whether we acknowledge them or not. So, when we are feeling shame, we want to interrupt it with more positive thought patterns.

    Ego repair comes next.

    We have to track and replace that negative internal dialogue, and put ourselves around positive and meaningful influences. It’s important at this stage to practice loving-kindness to ourselves and others. A great practical tool is talking to and treating yourself the way you would someone you love dearly. You would never call someone worthless, right? So, why do that to yourself?

    Name and return shame.

    I was picked on a lot as a kid for being overweight. I experienced shame in my gut and in my chest. I would often feel sick to my stomach. Eventually, I developed beliefs that I was “worthless and unlovable.” These came from an ample amount of being hurt by my peers.

    As I grew into an adult, I lost a good amount of weight, but still held onto those beliefs. Of course, I learned that weight has nothing to do with worth and love. I was able to name where that shame came from, and put it back on my peers who hurt me out of their own ignorance, pain, or confusion.

    If we are unable to put shame back in its place, we will continue to attract people and situations that validate those negative beliefs and recreate shame in our lives.

    Avoid negative situations and build positive supports.

    It is crucial to place yourself around healthy and loving people. When I am active in my shame, I often want to cocoon. During these times of isolation, I feel more alone and shameful. If I am able to simply communicate what is happening with me to someone who loves me, the power of my shame diminishes.

    In order to understand where we are and where we want to go, we have to have self-acceptance about who we are. Shame can make for discomfort in relationships with others. If we could work on developing a loving relationship with ourselves, our ability to be intimate and authentic increases.

    It is vital that we learn to separate shame from the person.

    We need to understand that shame is an emotion. The concern, though, is many people have turned shame from an emotion to a state of being. We want to be able to transform it back into a feeling. All of our emotions have functions. Shame, similar to other feelings, is attempting to protect us from some sort of threat. However, it often is a misperceived threat.

    We cannot become resistant to shame, but we can develop resilience to it.

    We have to help one another know we are not alone in our experiences and in our feelings. It is helpful to have corrective, validating, and emotional experiences with someone we love. We have to understand that part of our shared humanity is having parts of ourselves we are scared to show, but we have to be brave enough to show them anyway.

  • How to Stop Doubting Yourself So You Can Go After Your Dreams

    How to Stop Doubting Yourself So You Can Go After Your Dreams

    Brave superkid

    “The gap between what we do and what we’re capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.” ~Gandhi

    I have lived most of my life with a challenging contradiction.

    I am a hopeless idealist and dreamer. And I have also dealt with high levels of anxiety, worry, and doubt, especially as an adult.

    You can probably already see how this can go horribly wrong!

    I’d have an idea of something I’d like to do.

    An idea that would excite and thrill me. I would feel energized—enthusiastic and excited about the possibility of making a dream a reality. Then I’d hit a challenge or obstacle. And the doubt would come.

    Sometimes the result would be so subtle that I wouldn’t even notice its effects—that I was avoiding doing things to make my idea happen.

    Like when I decided to relearn piano as an adult, something I’d loved as a child and would lose myself in playing for hours, especially during the challenging times growing up. I had been heartbroken when I had to give it up because we had to return the piano I’d been using to practice on.

    As a gift to myself I bought a piano.

    I was so excited. It felt so good to be giving attention to part of myself that I felt had been neglected.

    But as I practiced I struggled.

    And I started to doubt whether I’d be able to master the skills that had seemed to come so easily as a child.

    The frustration built and I started putting in less and less effort and time. I eventually gave it up amid excuses about not having the time.

    Other times the effects of the doubt were far more obvious and painful—the fear, endless procrastination, frustration, and eventual defeat. Another idea relegated to the dusty pile of unfulfilled potential.

    The older I got, the harder this cycle became. I became more and more frustrated and filled with a sense of urgency to try and follow through with my ideas.

    It felt like time was running out.

    It got to a point where, in hindsight I realize, I was depressed, although I didn’t recognize it at the time. I’d lost my confidence in myself and my ability to do the things that really mattered to me.

    I’d love to say that I was able to turn this around in the five easy steps that we’re all craving.

    The reality is that it was a long and non-linear journey of self-discovery, voracious learning, experimentation, trial and error, and small successes and failures, until one day I realized that something had profoundly changed at the core of my being.

    I trusted myself again.

    I had rediscovered something that I knew had always been there. That sense of confident learning and experimentation that small children have, when they push themselves to their limits without the fear of being judged or shamed for making mistakes.

    I could take risks again. Small at first to build confidence. It felt so good. I felt alive, filled with hope and possibility.

    Now when I have an idea I am able to act on it (well, most of the time anyway!), and sustain the energy and motivation over long time periods in order for the idea to become a reality.

    Transforming the Self-Doubt Habit

    If anything of my experience resonates with you, then you have it too. The self-doubt habit.

    And, in fact, if you’re human, you definitely have it. As Stephen Pressfield wrote in his book Do the Work, “We’re wrong to think we’re the only ones struggling with resistance. Everyone who has a body experiences resistance.” (Resistance is the word he uses to refer to fear/worry/self-doubt—anything that takes you away from doing the thing that matters).

    Now that I have recognized this profoundly destructive habit in myself, I see it everywhere and hear it in the way people talk about themselves and their ideas.

    “I would love to do this, but I don’t think I can.” “That would be my dream, but it would probably never happen.”

    “But what if I am not good enough?”

    Sound familiar?

    And the outcome? We conclude: “Why even bother trying?” We give up before investing the necessary effort that would lead to a successful outcome.

    Two ideas have been key in helping me both recognize this destructive habit and being able to mitigate the effects so that I can build my confidence in my ability to do the things that matter to me.

    1. The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

    Dr Russ Harris, author of The Confidence Gap, describes the confidence gap as the place we get stuck when fear gets in the way of our dreams and ambitions. We believe that we can’t achieve or even work on our goals until we feel more confident.

    This, he says, is the wrong rule of confidence.

    The first rule of confidence is: “The actions of confidence come first, the feelings come later.”

    Lightbulb moment for me.

    I realized that I had been putting off some many things, waiting for the day when I would magically feel more confident!

    Recognizing that this day would probably never come, I started experimenting with strategies and ideas to help me start taking small steps, which, despite the fear and doubt, helped me build my confidence over time.

    2. You can always get better.

    The other body of work that profoundly shifted my thinking and helped me to take confident action was the work of Carol Dweck, Ph.D, author of Mindset.

    Through her research at Stanford University, she found that people could be generally divided into two categories depending on their beliefs about themselves—either “fixed” or “growth” mindset.

    People with fixed mindsets believe that their talents and intelligence are fixed, so they spend their lives trying to prove themselves. Their self-worth is always on the line, and failure is to be avoided at all costs. When they do experience failure, they feel intense shame and see it as proof of not being good enough.

    People with growth mindsets believe that talents and intelligence can be developed through effort and practice, so they take on challenges so they can grow and learn. Challenges are to be embraced as the path to fulfilling potential and learning.

    Another huge aha for me.

    I realized that I had been operating with a fixed mindset.

    When I started to work on an idea, whether I was working on a creative project or trying to develop a new skill, like learning to play the piano, I’d give up as soon as I struggled. Struggle for me equalled “I can’t”; I’m not good enough.”

    However, when I could recognize my thinking and see it from a growth mindset perspective, I could catch that thought and say to myself, “I am learning, I can get better with practice,” which allowed me to keep putting in the effort needed to develop my skills and become more confident in the area.

    I could reframe struggle as evidence that I was learning rather than a sign of some innate flaw that I needed to be ashamed about.

    This one mindset shift has alone had the biggest impact in helping me keep being able to take action.

    Action steps:

    1. Do whatever you can to become aware of your thoughts during the day.

    What are you saying to yourself? How are you talking about yourself to other people? Meditate, journal, do whatever it takes. It is the most important thing that you can do for yourself.

    2. Make a conscious effort to eliminate any thoughts or talk that undermines you.

    Change it to a growth mindset. Instead of self-doubt thoughts like “What if I can’t” or “What if I’m not good enough” try thoughts like “I am learning, it is challenging but I with practice and effort I will get better” and ask yourself questions like: “What is one thing I can do today to increase my chances of succeeding?”

    Practice this new mindset over and over and over again until it becomes a habit. As Tynan says in Superhuman by Habit, “New habits are things that you do, but old habits are things that you are.”

  • Recreate Your Life Story eCourse – 33% Off Until Monday

    Recreate Your Life Story eCourse – 33% Off Until Monday

    UPDATE: This promotion ran in 2016 and is now over.

    When I first envisioned Recreate Your Life Story—an eCourse that blends self-help and film—I knew I wanted to create a program that would be both creative and life changing.

    I’ve always had a passion for movies, so I was excited to design a course that uses protagonists from the silver screen as inspiration for change.

    But the course isn’t just about changing your circumstances. The full title is Recreate Your Life Story: Change the Script and Be the Hero. And that’s a big part of the program—it helps you change how you interpret your past, which affects how you see yourself in the present, enabling you to create a fulfilling future.

    When I reflected on my past, I realized the main thing that held me back was how I remembered and told my story. I felt like life had dealt me a bad hand, so I was angry, and also deeply ashamed of the choices I’d made when I was at my worst.

    This combination of bitterness, self-victimization, and self-loathing paralyzed me. I couldn’t possibly do anything positive or fulfilling when I was dwelling on the past and seeing and myself, and my life, through a lens of dissatisfaction and judgment.

    I needed to become the hero of my story instead of the victim. And that’s what this process helped me do.

    The four course modules outline the steps that enabled me to let go of my shame, anger, and bitterness so I could leverage my past for something that was both personally fulfilling and useful to others—this site.

    In addition to workbooks, movie case studies, stories from Tiny Buddha contributors, and expert interviews, the course also includes videos in which I share my personal experience—from my years struggling with depression and bulimia to the time when I launched Tiny Buddha.

    If you’re feeling:

    • Angry with people who’ve wronged you
    • Frustrated by opportunities you haven’t received
    • Limited by obstacles that prevent you from making changes
    • Discouraged by failures and setbacks
    • Ashamed of yourself for mistakes you’ve made
    • Disappointed in yourself for making the “wrong” choices
    • Anxious about everything that isn’t working in your life

    Then that means you’re human. But you don’t need to let these feelings control or limit you.

    Whether you’re looking to transform your professional life or your personal life, no matter how old you are or what you’ve experienced, the course can help you identify the mental blocks that are keeping you stuck—and release them.

    More than 2,500 people have completed the course over the last few years, and the feedback has been abundantly positive.

    From a Few of Our Course Members

    “It was inspiring listening to individuals from all walks of life going through the same issues. It made me feel normal and human instead of abnormal and excluded. The solutions they have found have filled me with hope of applying the positive principles to suit my own life, and I am genuinely optimistic about my present and future for the first time in many years.” ~Sally Cosgriff

    ***

    “It was very ‘human’ and very grounding. The workbooks in particular contained questions that immediately put you into ‘the zone’ for self-exploration, analyzing your own stories and patterns and how to change them… This course was ‘gentle’ and organically revealed to me things I am interested in and can make steps toward.” ~Scott D, Los Angeles

    ***

    “Very comprehensive. Covers all bases! Brings everything into perspective and having articles and workbooks always at your disposal…. It was really good to receive a reply/some feedback back from Lori in the forums. You know you are not alone, and someone cares.” ~Nicki L, Berkshire UK

    ***

    “It’s a lot of information that I will review probably many times. The amount of relief it gave me within the first few days was amazing. Having these new tools are so valuable for everyday life.” ~Erin Rodriguez, Hawaii

    The Limited Offer

    I’m not usually one for Black Friday sales, as I don’t love how consumerism has become the bedrock of the holidays. But I know people often turn to the web looking for deals at this time of year, so I wanted to offer a deal that may help you create profound inner and outer change.

    From now until midnight PST on Monday, November 28th I am offering 33% of the course—which brings the cost from $97 to $64.99.

    You can claim this discount by using this promo code: GGDX6O65X8 on this page.

    To read more about the course, and to find more testimonials, visit the full sales page here.

    I hope the course is helpful to you, and, for those of you that celebrated yesterday, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  • Why I Forgave My Cruel, Abusive Father

    Why I Forgave My Cruel, Abusive Father

    “It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it sets you free.” ~Tyler Perry

    I still remember the day when I told my mother that I no longer wanted to be at home. I’d had enough of so much pain and sorrow, and the constant yelling. Soon after, I watched my mother cry bitterly as she made the decision to get a divorce.

    I was ten years old at the time.

    My father had always been a very strict man, who used to believe that his ways were the right ways.

    He considered himself “successful” because he had his own house, his own car, a high salary, and a family. He was indeed a success at his office, but his employees didn’t seem to respect him.

    They described my father as a man who liked to give orders and to keep things under control—and also a man who liked to tell hurtful, humiliating jokes at others’ expense.

    I don’t remember my father having any friends, nor seeing him invite anyone to our home for Christmas.

    Father was always working hard, two daily shifts for five years. He later told me he did that to give us a good future, but he was never present.

    I don’t recall him playing with me that much, nor taking us on vacation. And he used to beat me with a belt if I didn’t get good grades at school. He used to drill into my head that I needed to “be better than everyone else.” He wanted me to be as competitive as him, as successful as him. He wanted me to become him.

    But that wasn’t the whole reason why my parents divorced. My father cheated on my mother with five different women, thinking my mother wasn’t good enough for him anymore. Later in life I understood that it was he who felt not good enough.

    One day he got very drunk and began calling me names like “little cockroach,” because he knew I would never be as good as him. That’s when I lost it.

    At ten years old, I jumped toward my father and blindly hit him, with my tiny fists, in every part of his body that I could reach. My mother came running from the kitchen and had to separate us because my father, a mountain of a man, was easily giving me the beating of my life.

    That was the last straw for her.

    That night my mother kicked him out of the house, and I didn’t see him again for a few years.

    After that day, we were shocked, but felt a small piece of relief. Eventually, we found peace.

    The divorce helped my mother mature and become stronger and wiser. She was always there for me and my kid sister, playing the role of both loving mother and father. My raising made me think that, if I ever had children, I would never let them live the hell I lived.

    Time heals all wounds, or so they say. Eventually, I found the strength to see my father again, at a very sad family event.

    He was all by himself. None of his former mistresses were in sight. We spoke few words; I gave him my condolences and left. It had been weird to see my father again after so much time.

    One day he fell sick with kidney failure and thought he was about to die. I went to visit him at the hospital, and it was shocking to see my once strong father reduced to a thin ghost of a man wrapped in a hospital gown.

    There was no one around to help him but an aunt. No friends, no other women, no one. He was all alone.

    I spent days and night taking care of him at the hospital. We would joke around and remember the few good things we shared during my childhood. I soon realized my father was just another kid that had been hit and humiliated during his childhood.

    His parents had raised him the same way he’d raised me; therefore, he grew up with those values carved in his heart.

    That’s when I realized it made no sense to continue hating him for the horrible childhood he gave me. Life was already giving him a tough lesson. Loneliness can be worse than death itself.

    My father eventually recovered and left the hospital. I still speak to him and pay him a visit from time to time to see how he’s doing. He’s still the prideful man I knew as a kid, and he still expects me to become better than him. But now, his words don’t hurt me.

    Because of my experiences with my father, I have learned these valuable lessons.

    1. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.

    Some people say “Forgive and forget.” I would say instead “Forgive, don’t forget, but don’t let the memory of what happened control you.”

    I learned this the hard way, sadly. Some days I would get very angry, and other days I would feel hopeless and unloved. This eventually pushed away the few people that really cared for me.

    I couldn’t change the past, and I didn’t like the insecure, angry woman that I had become. I had to release that pain and anger.

    One thing that helped me was to write down all the things I wanted to say to my father. I would read the letter as many times as I needed, then burn it. Watching the fire consume the letter that contained all my frustrations helped me ease the burden in my heart.

    Some days, when I felt the ugly feeling again, I would put my hand over my heart, say a prayer, and repeat the same mantra to myself over and over again:

    “I am here, I will help you. We are in this together. I will protect you.”

    These words were powerful to me. After repeating that mantra to myself, I would feel my anger melt away.

    We have to release our anger—in private, to avoid hurting the people that love us—in order to make space for love and peace. We learn from the pain, and though there’s no way we can easily push it under a rug, we don’t have to be controlled by the feelings that flood us when we remember what happened.

    Don’t let the memory of the past inflict pain in your present life.

    2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to include that person back into your life.

    Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean welcoming that person back into your life like nothing happened.

    There are people who can’t be in our lives without hurting us. These kinds of people need to be loved from a distance. It may be your father, your brother, your former best friend, or your ex. Life is too short to make it harder and more painful by allowing people who constantly hurt us back into our circle of peacefulness.

    3. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning someone’s actions.

    Some people might view what happened to my father as karma, but it’s hard for me to see it that way. When I learned about his troubled childhood, I realized that’s where his behavior came from. I finally understood why he did what he did. Still, that didn’t make it excusable. What he did was wrong and not acceptable. No matter how bad your past was, you can’t go around inflicting pain on others, thinking it’s okay.

    I know a lot of people who had sad, painful childhoods who turned out to be wonderful parents. Pain can give us huge lessons and make us better people.

    4. Forgive to set yourself free.

    This was the most important lesson in my life. I was the target of bullying at school because, at that time, children who came from broken homes were seen as troubled kids. I hated my father every time someone made jokes about my divorced parents.

    Later in life I blamed my father for all my failed relationships. I hopelessly looked for approval from the men I dated, only to be dumped like a hot frying pan.

    I was destroying myself with hatred and pain. All this turmoil made me lonely and miserable.

    Eventually, I learned that I was the only person responsible of my life, and that blaming my father was a cowardly thing to do. If I wanted to have a happy life, I had to let go of the pain. It wasn’t easy—it took years of self-discovery and soul searching to achieve this—but when I did, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

    Trying to find something to inspire me, I came across one quote that struck a chord with me:

    “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

    I was poisoning my life, my few friendships, and myself. I’d missed a lot of the big things in life because I’d spent so much time hating my father and my problems. I learned not to repeat his mistakes, and to pay attention to my own behavior. The past can be painful but it doesn’t have to define us. We make our own present; we are our own person.

    We can’t erase the past, but we can choose to let go of the pain in order to live a happier, more fulfilling life.

    The road isn’t easy; in fact, there were days when I felt I was taking one step forward and two steps back, and some days I would just curl up and cry. But I kept moving forward because I desperately wanted to get out of that place of isolation. I focused on myself, spent time with family, eventually found good friends, and then finally felt lighter and at peace.

    In the end, I learned that forgiveness is not about the other person; it is about ourselves.

  • How Letting Go of Your Goals Can Make You a Happier Person

    How Letting Go of Your Goals Can Make You a Happier Person

    “No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.” ~Alan Watts

    When I started kicking chairs at work, I knew things had gone too far.

    I didn’t kick things when other people were around, and I thought it was the perfect way to release my anger. I could lash out with as much fury as I wanted, but I didn’t hurt anyone.

    Why did I start kicking chairs? I’ll explain in a minute. But the truth was, I was hiding a bigger problem: I’ve spent much of my life hating myself.

    When I was eight or nine years old, my mom asked if I was okay. She had heard me sobbing in the shower.

    I told her I was furious at myself because I hadn’t been writing in my journal. I had skipped a few days, and a few days had turned into a few weeks, and now I was too far behind to catch up.

    I was miserable. At nine years old, my life held no purpose because I hadn’t written in my journal for a month.

    My mom comforted me, but I repeated the mistake countless times.

    In my teens, I crafted a set of rules to lead me to perfection.

    My plan was a sixteen-page document with eighty-four rules for the New Year. It included everything from a plan to improve my handwriting to why I would never use sarcasm or ask for seconds at dinner.

    Focusing on specific rules would have made a few goals more manageable, but by January 3rd, I realized I couldn’t keep up with all eighty-four. So I blamed myself. I felt like a worthless human being who couldn’t do anything.

    It only grew worse after someone broke my heart.

    I spent years wondering where I had gone wrong. The person I wanted in my life refused to be with me, and I couldn’t figure out how I had messed up.

    The answer, it always seemed, was that I wasn’t perfect enough. To appease the gnawing pain, I’d create a new list of goals.

    I decided to build a body that would win me love. I spent ten hours a week lifting weights. I ate 4,000 calories a day for months to build muscle and then starved myself on 500 calories a day when I decided I didn’t look lean enough.

    I spent $500 on new clothes in one shopping trip, only to find I was the same person inside, just in different fabric.

    I earned a perfect 4.0 GPA in college and a well-paying job afterward. I immediately started working towards a new career, hoping the allure of accomplishment would make myself more appealing.

    None of the changes made a difference.

    When my extreme measures backfired, I bullied myself even more.

    I was a failure at relationships because I was a failure at becoming perfect because I was a failure at everything.

    It shouldn’t surprise you that a few years later, I realized I was unhappy. I wanted to become a happy person. I wanted to be cheerful.

    So naturally, I created a goal of becoming happier. I measured my happiness each day and tracked my progress.

    But when looming anger crippled that happiness, I became ruthless with myself again. I wasn’t happy because I could never be happy. I was a loser at even the most basic of human emotions.

    And so I started kicking chairs.

    My life had become a cycle. A cycle of feeling like a failure, setting unreachable goals, missing those goals, and feeling like an even greater failure.

    But the solution had been with me the whole time.

    The solution was to let go.

    That wasn’t one of the solutions. Letting go was the only solution. It just took me years to realize it.

    The few times I chose to let go, I accepted my faults and felt whole again.

    Now I live like that all the time. I allow myself not to meet my goals or even to break them.

    To clarify, I still work to achieve things. But instead of dozens of lofty goals, I have two or three I’m confident I can meet. They are simple, and if they don’t happen, I will be okay. They don’t define my life.

    By letting go of my goals, I am growing more. I am becoming a better person and goals are guiding me—not controlling me.

    If I start to feel overwhelmed, I know I need to let go a bit more.

    I’ve found these three strategies the most helpful when letting go of your goals.

    1. Let go of your goals all the way.

    You must first write every goal. Every single one.

    All the silly, absurd, unrealistic, and idealistic goals you’ve ever imagined. Then consciously let go of them all.

    Imagine what your life would be like without those goals. If you never accomplished any of them. Come to peace with that idea.

    Only then should you add back in the few most important.

    Too many people delete goals, only to think of them for months to come. They decide they don’t have time to read more. But they spend hours wondering about the books they are interested in, how it would feel to read them, and what they would tell friends about them.

    Pondering half-hearted goals will cause as much strife as overcommitting yourself.

    If I choose to let go of a goal, it receives 0% of my mental energy. If I focus on a goal, I give it 100% of my mental energy. That simple.

    2. Let go of your impatience.

    A slow accomplishment is still an accomplishment.

    I tend to overcommit. If I want to become better at something, I’ll decide I need to spend an hour or two on it each day.

    The problem is I can’t maintain that schedule and I give up, disappointed and discouraged.

    I’ve found I work best when I ask myself the likelihood of taking that action step every day for the next month. If I’m less than 90% sure I can do it, it won’t happen.

    Instead, I take a small action step each day, something I’m 90% sure I can do.

    Yes, I want to work out six times a week. But I’ll meet the same goals working out three times a week. It will just take longer.

    Yes, I want to practice guitar an hour every day, but I also know that’s too much time. If I try to practice for 5 minutes, though, I’m 99% sure I’ll be able to do it. If I practice more that day, I’ll feel good, instead of beating myself up when I play for 50 minutes instead of 60.

    3. Let go during your morning routine.

    At the beginning of each day, I review what I accomplished the day before.

    My criterion used to be how much I did. Did I succeed with each goal? I usually found myself lacking.

    Now my criterion is different. Was the day fulfilling? Did I do things that added to my life, even if none of them involved a goal? If so, then the day was a success.

    Whereas most days began with me berating myself for failing at my goals, now I spend my mornings being grateful for the enchanting things I did yesterday.

    When you change the way you measure your life, your life changes.

    In my morning routine, I also spend some time planning what I want to do that day and making sure I am doing the right things. Any task that isn’t important, I let go. It just isn’t necessary.

    The day is better that way, and I’m more productive, too.

    —

    Since coming to terms with my goals and letting many of them go, I am a much happier and fulfilled person.

    Instead of hating who I am, I’ve come to accept myself and my accomplishments. I’ve let go of the goals that held me back and now let the important things push me forward.

    I don’t need a measurement to know I’m happier this way.

  • Coping with Suicide Loss: 9 Lessons for Hope and Healing

    Coping with Suicide Loss: 9 Lessons for Hope and Healing

    Man watching the sunset

    “It takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” ~Marianne Williamson

    “That boy is one in a million, Jill. He’s one in a million.”

    These were my grandfather’s words to my mum about my brother, Mitch, when he was just a kid. He really was one in a million—a light that shone so bright as a child and early teen, only to then fade into shadows of desperation and defeat as he grew into adulthood.

    No one really knows what’s going on in someone else’s mind, especially when a person refuses to let you in. Mitch never let anyone in. On October 1st, 2002 he decided to leave at the age of twenty-six. We were one short on our team now. Our family puzzle was missing a vital piece.

    That night, I woke up around 1am to my mum sitting at my bedside in her robe. She sobbed and said, “He was such a troubled, troubled soul.” Right then I knew what had happened.

    I held my mum in an embrace that never wanted to end. And as the tsunami of shock and fear crashed over me, I prayed that this was all some bad nightmare I’d wake up from.

    At the time, I thought my world had ended. Little did I know, it had just begun.

    In the beginning after Mitch took his life, I wanted to run and hide. I couldn’t shake the shame and guilt. The societal and cultural stigma attached to suicide as a horrible, selfish act stuck to me like glue.

    I felt like our family had caught some bad disease and any one of us could be next. Like we had the suicide gene and it was only a matter of time another family member or I chose to go against the “normalcy” of a life lived.

    Even though the past eight years of Mitch’s life were shrouded in depression, the guilt of not doing enough kept replaying in my mind.

    I’d imagine saving the day and bursting into the hotel room where he spent his final hours and convincing him there was another way. Grief whispered to me, there had to be another way for him to be happy. I didn’t realize at the time that the only person that can heal you is you.

    Then there was the anger. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror. The bathroom became a torture chamber.

    However, in the midst of my grief something else happened. I felt a closer connection to my own energy at the core of my being. I believe this was due in part to the loss of the physical relationship with Mitch; organically, I switched gears to reconnect on a different level.

    Feeling broken after such a loss, funnily enough, cracked open a channel within me that lay dormant and ignored.

    It was an odd feeling, and one I didn’t welcome because of my inner resistance to change. At the time, I preferred to remain stuck in suffering, but the invitation was there.

    The better part of my twenties was awfully confusing because I allowed myself to wallow in pain. As a result, I lacked intimacy in relationships, I was financially dependent, I lacked commitment to my career, and I lost my old zest for life.

    However, the beauty of confusion is that it allowed me to seek the answers I was looking for. The key was to ask the right questions.

    The right questions led me to lean into my pain head on, address it, and acknowledge the energetic essence within me rising to the surface. Asking the right questions led me to a shift in thinking and helped me learn some valuable lessons.

    At the end of the day I had a choice to make: Was I willing to genuinely look inside? Did I wish to grow from the experience? Did Mitch want me to carry the weight of his loss upon my shoulders until my dying day? Did I want to swim in the continuity of life or sink in my own sorrow?

    Along your own path to healing after suicide loss or personal crisis, these nine suggestions might help.

    1. Be willing to change your concept of yourself.

    This means changing what you believe to be true about your outer and inner self-concept. It means letting go of the old stories, beliefs, thoughts, and patterns that don’t serve you and keep you stuck in the past.

    For me, the old stories, beliefs, and thoughts centered around suicide loss being my eternal crutch to bear, something that was going to forever limit my capacity to find joy in anything I did. I told myself I didn’t have the power to heal my life—that included being successful in whatever I placed my attention on.

    When you redefine what you are capable of on the outside and when you reconnect to your higher power on the inside, you begin to unlock what is authentically you.

    When you honor what is authentically you, void of all past luggage and conditioning, you unlock a greater love within. A connection that self-heals and plants you in the present with gratitude in your heart—that includes the life you have lost. By honoring you, you honor them. There is no separation.

    2. Be willing to externalize your grief.

    Your grief has intelligence. Let it tell you know it knows. Vomit it all up, don’t wretch. Open the latch and let the dam spill over. Sometimes when all the tears are cried there is no room for anything else except a smile and laughter. There is strength in vulnerability and healing in releasing. Talk, cry, write, shout, exercise, and help others.

    3. Be willing to go within.

    This lovely world of ours is a mirror. Your outer state is a reflection of your inner state. Self-healing and self-love start with connecting to your inner source, your higher power.

    Meditate. Meditation will create a clear, open channel between the heart and the mind allowing for them to work in synchrony. Anxiety, addiction, and obsession over your loss will slowly melt away because you are grounded in the loop of life. Where there is grief, there is also relief.

    You don’t have to be spiritual or religious. If you are a skeptic and don’t buy into what ancient traditions and great masters have known for thousands of years, and you rely on scientific fact, then look no further to what the world’s leading neuroscientists and physicists are saying.

    There is an underlying intelligence that binds this whole place together. You are not separate from anything else that exists on this planet. You are made of the same stuff! To think you are any different is the height of arrogance. To tap into its power, sit with it in silence. Join with it.

    In terms of healing after a loss, consistent meditation, day and night, is one of the most powerful practices, if not the most powerful, for self-healing and overall well-being. I have witnessed dramatic shifts in awareness within myself with consistent meditation after loss.

    I have come to recognize that I am not the thoughts in my head. I have become more aware of my own thoughts, as opposed to becoming attached to them.

    Thoughts are neither good nor bad, but the moment I place an emotional attachment to them, that’s when they become problematic. With practice, I’ve learned to step back behind the negative chatter and catch myself buying into thoughts that are rooted in the past. By no means am I master of this, but I am far better than I used to be.

    4. Be willing to process and clear the pain.

    Again, you have a choice. I’d suggest being brave and honest. A whole new world awaits you when you are willing to do the work.

    That is, be willing to externalize your grief, to self-inquire, and feel to heal. To face your hurt head on instead of ignoring it for years. That, I can tell you now, will come back to bite you at some stage.

    You can run, but you can’t hide; sooner or later your hurt will spill out into your relationships, finances, family, health, or career. The wiser choice is to work with it, not against it.

    When you are willing to process the guilt, shame, blame, anger, depression, isolation, and loneliness, you begin to unlock your authentic self. You strip away the layers to your greatness.

    The opportunity to view yourself and this world through a new lens is available to you. You will begin to see that with grief there is also relief. You may not witness it straight away, but life has a way of balancing itself out. It’s always the end of life that gives life a chance. This greatest loss of yours can become your greatest gift. My life is proof of that.

    5. Be willing to see your life beyond your loss.

    A question that needs to be asked after we have grieved our loss: Now that this has happened to us, what are we going to do about it?

    Am I going to use this loss to grow, learn, share, give, create, and love more? It’s up to you. I’ve chosen not to do these things in the past and it led to a depressive state. Swim with life as it continues on and grows or sink in the past that doesn’t exist?

    There is something great for you in the horizon. This loss is your trigger, your catalyst to peel back the layers and discover what music dances in your heart.

    6. Be willing to accept the value of challenge.

    What if life’s greatest challenges and voids were windows into living your most inspired, creative, and authentic self?

    In the words of Dr. John Demartini, “Your greatest voids create your highest values. And your highest values lead you to feel grateful for the synchronous balance in life—both pain and pleasure, challenge and support—that brings you closer to fulfilling what is most meaningful.”

    There is potential value in every situation. Grief is not exempt of this. Grief is a part of life, and to exclude the balance of death leaves us in this lop-sided view of the world.

    Today we constantly seek pleasure, we seek support, and we desire acceptance. The trouble is that grief leaves us with deep pain and with a perceived greater challenge, and if you have experienced a suicide loss, the challenge cuts deep within a family context. In our case, a family of six becoming five felt like a gaping hole deeper than the Grand Canyon.

    I now look at the sadness of losing my brother as the most instructive thing that has ever happened to me. His death didn’t have to remain in the way of my life, but more so, on the way to unlocking how I wanted to live my life and what I wanted to share and contribute.

    Mitch taught me that my time here is limited and to go after what really makes me happy. To find my joy and share it with the world. His death was a reminder to have fun and not take it too seriously. No one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, so you might as well enjoy the moment—all that we have! For this, I can’t thank him enough.

    I have no doubts he is celebrating with me. I know this because for him to not want me to seek the benefits, opportunities, and inspiring lessons in his passing would be to deny the significance and meaning I have found through the life he lived, and in his passing.

    7. Be willing to generate energy.

    You have to generate it in order for you to have it!

    That’s why in these times of challenge you need to remember to do the things that you love. For me, I needed to swim in the ocean daily, go on long bush walks, hang out with friends even when I didn’t feel like leaving the house, and set aside time to write whatever it was they wanted to spill onto the page.

    You must endeavor to feed yourself joy. Things you love to do and things you loved to do with your loved one that’s passed.

    Don’t become the stale water in the pond. Seek to sit in that rubber tube and flow with the current of the river.

    8. Be willing to forgive yourself and your loved one.

    Their death is not your fault. It’s very easy to blame yourself and others around you. We should have done more! How did I not see the signs? I can’t live with myself—what kind of mother/father am I?

    Hold up! Drop it. Have some compassion for yourself. You did what you could with the awareness you had at the time. It was their choice to go—an end to their own pain and suffering they unfortunately could see no way out of.

    As you forgive others, you begin to forgive yourself. When you stop focusing on their choice to go, you will stop punishing yourself for your own.

    To quote Marianne Williamson, “Forgiveness releases the past to divine correction and the future to new possibilities. Whatever it was that happened to you, it is over. It happened in the past; in the present, it does not exist unless you bring it with you. Nothing anyone has ever done to you has permanent effects, unless you hold on to it permanently.”

    9. Be willing to surrender.

    Here’s a simple equation: Open mind = open heart = living authentically you.

    When you absorb and take action on the other eight lessons, you will become more open to something much bigger than you could have imagined for your life after your loss. You must be willing to give up your attachments to the outcome of your life after suicide loss.

    I does get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be okay. In fact you will be better than okay. But you must keep moving. This loss has left a giant scar, but scars tell stories. Make this scar the catalyst for you to know and love yourself more than you have ever have before. In the words of Anita Moorjani, “Love yourself like your life depends on it, because it does!”

    There is hope and there is happiness. Life isn’t the same without them, but that’s okay. You’re here now and it’s up to you what you want to do with the precious time you have been gifted.

  • A Surprising Way to Let Go of Painful Feelings and the Past

    A Surprising Way to Let Go of Painful Feelings and the Past

    “We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I’ve struggled with it.

    Letting go, I mean. I’ve struggled with moving on from my past. I’ve struggled with ridding myself of guilt, shame, and grief. I’ve struggled with freeing myself from mistakes, past relationships, and worries about the future.

    It’s not that I haven’t tried. Believe me, I’ve tried really hard. I’ve written goodbye letters, mentally cut the energetic cords, and fiercely gone back into the pain to free myself fully from it. I’ve cried my eyes out, talked about it, and brought it to my meditation pillow.

    What I’ve tried has helped to some extent, but not completely. So, instead of moving on I’ve felt stuck between my past and my future. You know, like in limbo. And that’s not the place to set up camp; both you and I know that.

    It’s frustrating because I’m fully aware of the importance of letting go and moving on. I know that attachment is the reason we suffer. I know that past pain, anger, and resentment holds us back. I know that holding on to the unwanted blocks the wanted from coming in.

    Letting go is essential. But, it’s not always easy to apply theory to practice. If you’ve also struggled with it, here’s another approach that has helped me to truly let go and move on.

    Why Letting Go is Hard

    First of all, everything is energy. Our thoughts and feelings emit a vibration, and what we send out to the world is what we receive back. This isn’t some woo-woo thing—it’s quantum physics (source).

    That means that whatever we give our attention to—wanted or unwanted—grows. If you focus on happiness, joy, and satisfaction, you’ll experience more of that. If you focus on pain, regret, and guilt, you’ll experience more of that.

    Just think about it, have you ever tried to rid yourself of stress, only to have found yourself getting more stressed, especially when you knew you shouldn’t stress? Or have you told yourself to stop worrying, only to have found more things to worry about?

    Mother Theresa knew about this. She said, “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”

    An anti-war demonstration focuses on war, which triggers feelings such as frustration, anger, and hopelessness. A pro-peace rally, on the other hand, focuses on peace.

    The same goes for letting go. Unless you’re able to truly let it go—meaning that you withdraw your attention completely from it—you’re more likely to focus on the unwanted and thus draw more of that into your life.

    Step 1: Say “yes” to what is.

    You cannot reject or push against the unwanted. You cannot focus on a problem and find the solution. Because the solution is never where the problem is. So, you need to shift focus.

    You shift focus by first accepting what is. If you want to let go of shame, start by first accepting that you’re feeling shameful. Don’t argue with your thoughts and feelings. Don’t resist them. Don’t try to push them away. Instead, give them permission to exist.

    As Eckhart Tolle said, “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” To reach complete acceptance, spiritual teacher Bentinho Massaro suggests a technique where you agree with your limiting and hurtful thoughts.

    For example, to accept guilt over something that happened, tell yourself, “Yes, I’m guilty.” If you struggle with forgiveness, tell yourself, “Yes, that’s right, I can’t forgive this person.”

    This doesn’t mean that what you’re saying is true. Instead, it’s a tool to control negative thoughts and emotions so they don’t control you. By agreeing with them, the battle between you and them ends. When there’s nothing more to argue about, they lose their power over you. Touché.

    Step 2: Let in instead of letting go.

    Once you’ve reached a place of complete acceptance, you can move on to the second step.

    This is about inviting the new.

    Letting go can easily trigger fear. When you leave something behind and don’t know what to replace it with, you leave space for the unknown. Change is always scary, especially when you don’t know what’s coming next. That’s why you might find yourself clinging to the unwanted because that’s what’s familiar and known to you.

    To make sure that doesn’t happen, consciously decide what’s coming next. Let in instead of letting go. Rather than pushing away the unwanted, invite the wanted.

    When I left my corporate job in search of a higher calling, I battled with shame. Shame for stepping off the beaten path, for making a controversial choice, and for not having a clear path in front of me.

    It was when I finally stopped fighting shame that I was able to see clearly. That’s when I could invite curiosity to join me instead. Curiosity did the exact opposite of shame; it helped me see the opportunities, not pitfalls, of the unknown and taking the road less traveled.

    If you want to let go of anxiety and self-doubt, invite peace and confidence. If you want to let go of a past relationship, invite a new loving relationship. If you want to let go of the lazy and dull version of yourself, invite an active and energetic version of you.

    This can be done step by step. For example, let’s say that you want to move on from an ex-love. Maybe your focus isn’t on attracting a new partner directly, but rather on inviting a happier, healthier, and more loving version of yourself. Then once you feel ready, you can invite in the relationship you long for.

    Focus On What You Desire

    It’s frustrating to replay mistakes over and over in your mind. It’s frustrating to cling to things from the past. It’s frustrating when you try really hard, but are unable to move on. Not only does that taint your future, it also steals the joy from this present moment.

    Instead of trying harder to let go, accept fully where you are. Embrace it completely. Say yes to all worry, shame, and guilt. Confirm all the negative thoughts and feelings so that you can release yourself from their grip. Simply, give up the battle.

    Then, invite what you desire. Imagine, visualize, and fantasize what you’d love to have instead in your life. Tony Robbins said, “Where focus grows, energy flows.” Focus on the wanted, not the unwanted.

    You got this!

  • Why We Shouldn’t Rush or Feel Guilty About Emotional Pain

    Why We Shouldn’t Rush or Feel Guilty About Emotional Pain

    Deppresive Man

    “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

    In July 2012, a conversation changed my life.

    Prior to this, I had been struggling to right myself after a difficult loss. Several months had passed, yet I continued to revisit the same sad, angry place again and again. I believed the presence of these difficult emotions meant I was “doing it all wrong.”

    I thought, if I could figure out why these feelings were so persistent, I could make them vanish altogether. To assist in the quest, I enlisted the help of a spiritual mentor.

    I very carefully explained to him that, despite reading books, exercising, spending time with loved ones, eating good food, working, and indulging my passions and hobbies, the daily waves of sadness were still so strong it seemed as if I would drown in their undertow.

    “If I am doing all of the ‘right’ things,” I implored, “why am I still feeling this way?” If I had the answer to this question, surely I could be free of all of this nonsense and get my life back to normal (or something close to that).

    With the kindest eyes and gentlest smile, the man explained to me that the problem wasn’t anger, sadness, or loneliness—these were normal, healthy reactions to loss. The real issue was my erroneous belief that pain could be controlled with logic.

    What the…what now?

    Instinctively, I wanted to resist his rendition of my predicament. First, because my life’s work up until that point had been helping others “make sense” of their suffering. So, if pain could not be controlled, how could I help console those seeking pain relief?

    Secondly, my shame filter translated his gentle statement into, “What’s up, control freak?!”

    Shame does not allow for kind discourse.

    Once my resistance subsided, I realized the guru was right: False ideology was preferable to being with sadness, anger, and loneliness, the end date of which could not be predicted or scheduled. Further, I just plain old didn’t like how I had been humbled by loss.

    As the words left my mentor’s lips, something inside of me shifted. I did not feel angry, sad, or scared. A little annoyed, yes—sort of like a child being invited to part with her favorite blankie.

    The predominant feeling in that moment was relief.

    Once fully felt and accepted, the guru explained, emotional states will naturally dissipate over time. The determination to find out “why” was an unnecessary resistance to a tide that simply needed to ebb and flow on its own course. Thus far, swimming against the current did was doing little more than making my arms tired.

    I set a conscious intention that day: to do my best to let the waves of grief carry me wherever I was meant to go.

    It wasn’t all sunshine, rainbows, and Oprah Winfrey moments after that. In fact, it pretty much sucked for a while. But, after two or three months of swimming with the current, I felt more confident in my ability to survive the tide.

    Anyone who has lived or loved has been privy to emotions that seem to come and go without explanation. I believe we cannot control how we feel, but we can control how we choose to respond to these feelings when we have them.

    Healing resides in how we choose to respond to pain.

    Here are some things to keep in mind the next time the waters feel turbulent:

    1. Feelings do not have brains.

    Logic cannot “fix” feelings because feelings are not broken. Sometimes we are lucky enough to see a clear path between our heads and our hearts. For example, when someone says something hurtful, we understand why we may feel angry or hurt.

    There will also be times when feelings don’t make sense. They don’t need to. Whether your feelings have a logical explanation or not, recognize them as valid and trust that, when given permission to exist, they will eventually pass. (I promise they will.)

    2. The presence of pain is not an indication of failure.

    There will be times when pain persists, even though we are doing all of the “right things.” This does not mean that you have failed at anything. It just means you may need more time (see #3).

    Failure is the voice of shame. Shame simply heaps suffering on top of preexisting pain. No one deserves this, including you, so try to talk to yourself as you would a beloved friend when shame surfaces.

    3. There is no timeline for things that cannot be scheduled or controlled.

    Give yourself time and take as much of it as you need.

    4. Instead of fixating on why, ask what and how.

    Shift your attention away from why and ask yourself what’s happening in the present moment and how you feel about it. Loving acknowledgement is the first step toward acceptance.

    More often than not, “why” is a signpost for the inner child who falsely believes pain should not be part of life. Your feelings are a testament to your aliveness. The next time you hear yourself asking “why” you feel the way you do, I invite you to breathe, lean back, and let the tide carry you wherever you were meant to go.

  • 5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    “Feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Breathing techniques are now such an important part of my daily routine. I couldn’t think of starting a day without doing my breathing exercises.

    I usually combine these with my morning meditation, which, through sheer perseverance, I have made into a habit and have been doing for the last few years.

    Almost everywhere you look, you can find stress—at work, at home, on the road. It’s hard to avoid it and even harder to not get sucked in.

    I used to let stress get the better of me on a daily basis through an incredibly stressful and demanding job. That was until I realized the dangerous effects it was having on my body.

    I worked in video production as a producer, where there was a new type of stress every single day.

    There were so many cogs that all had to fall perfectly into place for the production to move ahead, not to mention the number of people who would depend and rely on me. The deadlines were tight, and to make sure that every stage of production was complete, I often had to work long hours.

    This was an incredibly stress-inducing job, and so often I felt myself getting overtired and angry due to the workload.

    Stress can make it near enough impossible to control your emotions. I found the more stressed I became, the more irrational I would become.

    Stress is also strongly linked to diseases, and chronic stress can give these conditions the green light to flood your body. Stress has been linked to cancer, lung disease, fatal accidents, suicide, and cirrhosis of the liver.

    Not to mention that stress can make you gain weight, look older, and ruin your relationships.

    After understanding that I was a very stressed person, often attracting stressful situations into my life, I decided to learn stress-combating techniques.

    The best methods I discovered were various breathing techniques. They’re quick to do and have amazing results.

    Now, if I ever feel myself getting stressed or am about to enter a stressful situation, I simply stop for a moment and use one of my breathing techniques. This instantly calms me down and has an immediate effect on my state of mind, allowing me to think clearly and rationally.

    Breathing is used in meditation as a method to relax the body fully and achieve a clear state of mind. We are extremely lucky that such a powerful tool, like breathing, is something that we can regulate and control ourselves.

    Practicing breathing techniques will not only give you beneficial life tools, but they are also a great starting point for your meditation journey.

    The techniques I have shared are simple and easy to learn. Some will bring calm and inner peace, while others can be used to kick-start your mental awareness and vital energy.

    Abdominal Breathing

    Abdominal breathing slows your entire body down; your heart rate and blood pressure reduce with each controlled deep breath you take.

    Your aim during this technique is to focus on your diaphragm, not your chest, as you breathe.

    To begin, place one hand on the chest and the other on the belly.

    Breathe in through your nose enough for your diaphragm to inflate with enough air to produce a stretch in your lungs. Then exhale slowly.

    Make sure each breath is deep and steady.

    Repeat this technique with seven to ten breaths per minute for ten minutes.

    Alternate Nostril Breathing (aka Nadi Shodhana)

    This technique will unite both sides of your brain while bringing calm and balance.

    To begin, sit in a comfortable meditative pose; this can be on the floor, on a chair, or on a sofa, wherever is most comfortable for you.

    Now, hold your right nostril down with your thumb or one of your fingers on your right hand. Breathe in deeply through your left nostril.

    When you’re at the peak of inhalation, let go of your right nostril and cover the left. Then, exhale through the right nostril. Continue with this technique for as long as needed until you feel calm and focused.

    Because this method connects your brain on a deep level, you shouldn’t practice this technique before going to bed.

    Instead, if you need to prepare for a big presentation or a difficult job interview, or you’re in any kind of nervous situation, take a few minutes practicing alternate nostril breathing to calm yourself. Doing this will help quiet your mind so that you can be the best version of yourself without having to worry about the nerves!

    Not only will you experience calm and balance, but you will also feel focused and super energized.

    Relaxing Breath (aka “4-7-8”)

    This technique is used to completely relax the body and nervous system. It can be used in many different scenarios—when you feel internal tension, when something upsetting happens, or simply to help you relax before sleep.

    Before you begin this technique, ensure you are sitting comfortably with your back as straight as possible.

    Place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth where they meet the gum ridge. You will need to keep your tongue here for the duration of the technique.

    Start by exhaling fully. Usually, because of where your tongue is placed, this would make a natural “whoosh” sound.

    Inhale quietly for a count of four. Once reached, hold your breath here for a count of seven and then exhale fully for a count of eight. This is one full breath. You should aim to do four or five full breaths each time you practice this technique.

    Stillness in Breath

    If you are able to focus on your breath for long periods of time, then this technique is for you.

    This breathing awareness variation doesn’t involve any counting, merely observing.

    To begin, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breathing pattern.

    Once you have settled into the process of observing your natural breathing rhythm, turn your awareness to the point at which the breath switches from inhalation to exhalation. Then observe as it changes from exhalation to inhalation. Notice that there is a gap, or still pause, between the breaths.

    If you find that your mind wanders during this variation, simply keep guiding your attention back to this still pause between each stage of breath. The more you practice this technique, the more it becomes a continuous experience in which you will find peace.

    Stimulating Breath (aka Bellows Breath)

    Bellows Breath is used to invigorate your senses and sharpen your mind. If practiced well, you will raise your vital energy and feel an increased level of alertness.

    To begin, sit comfortably. You don’t need to be in a certain position or sit anywhere in particular for this technique.

    Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose. Try to keep your mouth shut and as relaxed as possible. Aim to keep your inhales and exhales equal in duration but as reduced as possible.

    For beginners, you should start by practicing this technique for a maximum of fifteen seconds. As you become more comfortable, you can increase this time by five seconds each time you practice until you reach a full minute.

    Like alternate nostril breathing, this technique connects with your mind on a deep level and shouldn’t be used before you go to sleep.

    Next time you feel like you need an energy boost, instead of reaching for caffeine, try this technique and see how invigorated you feel afterwards!

    —

    By practicing breathing meditation for ten to fifteen minutes a day, you will be able to reduce your stress and anxiety levels significantly. You’ll start to experience calmness of the mind, the turbulence of day-to-day worries will simply fall away, and feelings of happiness and fulfillment will rise from within.

  • How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

    How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

    “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

    I was sitting on the couch in my bedroom, at sunset, looking at the trees outside my window. I felt a profound sadness, frustration, disappointment, and desperation taking me over.

    While I was staring into oblivion, all my expectations came flashing to my mind.

    “No, this is not what my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to have my own house. I was supposed to be happy. What happened?”

    What happened was that I am part of the majority, not the exception.

    My entire life I expected to be the exception. I assumed that if I worked hard enough, I would succeed; if I did well in university, I would succeed; if I poured my heart and soul into something, I would succeed; my dreams could come true.

    I had become a slave to my expectations, and they were ruining my life.

    In my mind, things were supposed to be different. My great expectations were robbing me of happiness, because I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t have what I expected to have, and I wasn’t who I expected I should be.

    The truth of the matter is that there are few people out there who are lucky enough to be living their dreams.

    Most of us survive on crumbs of our expectations. We have a job, even if it’s a job we don’t like. We work from nine to five every day to pay the bills. If you’re lucky, you get to go on a vacation once a year, and for the very lucky, two of them.

    Statistics show depression and anxiety are on the rise. I am part of those statistics, along with 350 million other people who suffer from the same hell I do.

    How could depression and anxiety not be on the rise when we are constantly bombarded by repetitive messages that tell us about all the great things we can accomplish?

    Of course giving people high expectations is what sells. If beauty creams advertised their products by saying, “It will moisturize your skin and that’s pretty much it,” not too many people would buy the product.

    Marketing survives by raising people’s expectations. When the product doesn’t meet up with their expectation, disappointment follows. And so it goes with most things in our lives.

    Don’t get me wrong; I truly believe that dreams can come true. The point is that we shouldn’t expect it to happen. If it does happen, it will be a nice surprise. But if it doesn’t and we’re expecting it, we are likely doomed for disappointment and frustration.

    Of course it would be amazing if we could all live our great expectations, but we shouldn’t base our happiness and personal satisfaction on them, because there is no rule that says that we will all live to fulfill them. I know this might sound pessimistic, simply because it goes against everything we’ve heard.

    We read great stories of people who defied the odds and became a success, but we never read about the people who did their best and failed. Their stories never become motivational quotes and bestselling books, because they didn’t make it.

    We never hear their stories about how they put their heart and soul into something and failed, because that doesn’t sell books; that doesn’t sell conferences.

    Many motivational books and personal coaches survive by raising people’s expectations instead of focusing on finding happiness with what they already have.

    Of course meeting our expectations could bring happiness, but if we’re waiting to be happy for that to happen, we might be waiting a long time.

    Maybe you’re not Anna Wintour or Mark Zuckerberg, and you don’t have a million dollars in the bank.

    Maybe you’re feeling frustrated because parenthood didn’t turn out to be what you had expected (it’s tiring and demanding).

    Maybe your job is not fulfilling, and at one point you expected you’d grow up to be somewhere completely different from where you are today.

    I could sit here and write that you can change everything and you should fight to meet your expectation. I think you should, but you shouldn’t base you personal satisfaction and happiness on that.

    I’m here to tell you that it’s all right if you didn’t meet your expectations.

    Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, and for some reason or another life doesn’t go to plan. It doesn’t mean we have to stop working toward our goals; it just means that we can be happy regardless.

    Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we need to focus on what we do have.

    Capitalism shoves down our throats to strive for more, and we obediently follow, only to meet a brick wall and realize how frustrated we are for not being everything the system promised we could be.

    Millennials in particular are battling this problem harshly.

    We were sold the idea that if we went to college, got great marks, and did tons of unpaid internships we’d be destined for the stars. Instead, millions of millennials have a huge amount of debt from student loans and are finding it hard to find a job. I’m not even talking about their dream job—just a job.

    Did you know that millennials have the highest statistics on depression and anxiety ever recorded in history? That’s mainly because we expected to at least have the quality of life our parents had. But things have changed, and now we are not even close to what they had at our age.

    Our expectations were too high, and we live in a world where it’s harder to meet those expectations.

    It would have been a lot better to break things down to millennials in a realistic way, and if some of them got to meet their expectations, then good for them. But for the rest, we’d know that not all expectations need to be met for us to be happy.

    I know you might be reading this and thinking of all the expectations that you had that you didn’t get to live up to. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and sad.

    The best and easiest way to be happy is to work toward our goals but never expect for them to become a reality. It’s a paradox. It’s the duality of existence.

    We need a goal and a dream to keep us motivated, but at the same time we need to not expect anything from life. That way, regardless of the outcome, we don’t become disappointed.

    I know it kind of goes against the motivational quotes we read, and it especially goes against the greedy perception that has been incrusted in our minds. We are taught to never be content with what we have and to always strive for more. But this greedy mindset is what has many feeling frustrated with their lives.

    I’m not saying that it’s good to get comfortable in mediocrity, but to push ourselves to be the best person we can be without expecting a great outcome. To do things because we love doing them, not because we’re expecting something.

    It’s like doing a good deed expecting a “thank you.” If the “thank you” doesn’t come, you become disappointed. If you do it regardless of the gratitude, you still feel content.

    It’s about being happy while working to be better, not by placing happiness on a goal. You find that happiness in your progress, in your daily life, in feeling grateful for the small things—for having food on your plate, a roof over your head, health, and loved ones to share your life with.

    It is about coming to terms with the idea that your dreams might not come true. Making peace with life—that even if it doesn’t allow you to fulfill your dreams, it has given you life, and life itself is a treasure.

    As the saying goes, happy people are not those who have the best of everything but the ones who make the best of everything they have.

  • 4 Steps to Let Go of Stress, Negativity, and Emotional Pain

    4 Steps to Let Go of Stress, Negativity, and Emotional Pain

    Light in the dark

    “It’s not the bite of the snake that kills you, it’s the poison left behind.” ~Tom Callos

    Have you ever taken it to heart when someone said or did something mean to you? The likely answer is yes; most people have experienced negativity from another person—and it hurts.

    But why did you take it personally? Because, like all of us, you want love. And we often assume when someone is mean to us that it means that we are unlovable.

    Now, when a person is mean to me, I choose not to accept what they are offering. Also, I recognize that they are doing it because they are hurting inside and don’t know how to express love.

    This was the case for me as child. I was a very sensitive, and I received a fair amount of emotional bullying from my older brother. He repeatedly called me a loser and made fun of me.

    I am not entirely sure why he did this, but I know he was hurting inside. He seemed to be unhappy a lot of the time. My mom believes this was due to her and my father expecting a lot from him, being the oldest child.

    I looked up to my brother, but the mean things he did hurt me to my core, because I let the emotional poison build up and take me over. It got to the point where it became physically painful.

    By age ten, I had put up emotional walls so I could block anyone from hurting me—or so I thought. This turned me into an unloving, uncompassionate, and judgmental person.

    I would emotionally bully people, just like my brother had done to me. I would make fun of how certain people would dress, look, or speak. I wound pick apart other people’s insecurities to make myself feel better.

    Shortly after that, I began noticing how insecure I was.

    I was afraid of being judged by others and doing anything that made me stick out. The fear of judgment was so gut-wrenching that it stopped me from doing things I wanted to do, like join the high school basketball and rugby teams, and ask girls on dates.

    In my late teens I realized that I needed to make some changes in my attitude, but I did not know where to start.

    Shortly after putting out that intention, I felt drawn to Buddhism. I would read books here and there, but did not commit to making any real changes. I did feel a pull to go to a Buddhist monastery, but I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for that.”

    By age twenty my spirit forced me to take action. One night after work, I was walking into the kitchen and dropped a glass. I tried to catch it as it fell, but it smashed and cut my left index finger down to the bone.

    I was rushed to the hospital and bandaged up. The next day I had surgery on my finger to reattach the nerve.

    Shortly after that, I began having visions of a Buddhist monastery. Now that I couldn’t work and I was on summer break from college, I could go.

    I went to Birken Forest Monastery, and my life changed forever. By quieting my mind through seated and walking meditation, I discovered that I was actually creating and feeding all of the hell I was going through. 

    Compounding the pain, my mental torture created several health issues, because my body could not heal in such a stressed state.

    I decided, right there and then, that I was going to let go of the issues that were disturbing me.

    If you, too, are causing yourself a lot of pain and suffering by holding on to negative thoughts and feelings, the lessons I learned may help.

    1. Don’t take anything personally.

    If someone says something mean to you, it is because they are hurting inside and don’t know how to ask for love.

    Now, if a person is being mean, I listen to them, look at them with compassion, and choose not to retaliate. This typically helps defuse that person’s pain.

    2. Replace negative thoughts with positive action.

    As a child I often had negative thoughts about myself and others, which would cause me to feel bad.

    Many of my thoughts centered on the fact that I didn’t feel good enough. These thoughts caused me a lot fear and anger, and stopped me from doing things that I felt would bring me joy.

    One thing that has helped me overcome this is telling myself, “I love being me,” and following through with the things that I feel guided to do.

    For example, I received strong intuitive messages to go to college to become a Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). Doing this was enriching and life changing for me. I also met the love of my life, my wife, at TCM college.

    When you start thinking negative thoughts about yourself or others, tune in to your intuition about what would bring you fulfillment. When you devote your energy to things that bring you joy and satisfaction in life, there’s less energy to devote to negativity.

    3. Love yourself unconditionally. Because if you don’t, who will?

    Every day I reinforce how much I love myself. Why? Because it feels good, and who doesn’t like to feel good?

    One simple way I do this is by telling myself, in my head, with a smile on my face, “I love myself unconditionally.” Then I sit in the feeling of love that arises.

    Another thing I will do is ask myself the question, “What can I do today to deepen my self-love?”

    My intuition will give me a response in the form of a feeling, thought, or image. For example, I may get a thought or an image of something to do, such as spend time in nature or with a friend.

    4. Lastly, forgive.

    If you don’t, you’re letting your past control and poison you, and you’re the one who ends up feeling bad.

    I felt so bad in my adolescence as a result of having negative feelings toward people that I never want to feel that way again. The more anger I would feel toward someone, the more my life felt miserable and chaotic.

    To forgive people, I needed to surrender to the things that had caused me stress. They were in the past, and they were only still bothering me because I was letting them.

    As a result of letting them stress me out, similar issues would arise in other relationships until I acknowledged that I had to do something about it.

    The way I see it now is, if I had rotting garbage in my home, I would not keep it because it stinks and it’s not good for my health. So why would I hold onto negative feelings that are causing me problems?

    In order to let go and forgive, I first got into a calm mindset. I did this by focusing my attention on my breath, which brought me into the present moment.

    Next, I thought about the person and said in my head, “I forgive (person’s name) for hurting me, and I release any anger and pain I feel about (person’s name). I send (person’s name) unconditional love.”

    Doing this simple exercise helped me clear so much negativity from my life that I felt like a whole different person.

    You may have to do this many times before you feel comfortable with it. It can take a while to fully surrender because we often hold a false sense that these negative feelings are serving us.

    It helps to remember the first lesson—don’t take anything personally. The person who hurt you was also hurting. It doesn’t condone what they did, but it does make it easier to forgive.

    My Future Is Bright

    When I think back to how I was then and compare it to how I am now, I can see how far I have come, and I am grateful. Though, I do see that I have more to let go of. Letting go of stress, negativity, and emotional pain excites me because it allows me to focus on love and the things I do want in my life. The same is true for you.

  • Dealing with Emotional Triggers: What to Do When You’re Stuck on a Feeling

    Dealing with Emotional Triggers: What to Do When You’re Stuck on a Feeling

    “As you grow more practiced in noticing your triggers, offering yourself kindness and remembering that the power to heal your life is always available in the present moment, the situations that once set you off lose their explosive potential.” ~Martha Beck

    Recently, I stayed with a friend I don’t see very often so I could attend a mindfulness event near her home. I took the train to her apartment about an hour before the event. We embraced and spent the first few moments together catching up on things.

    And then my cellphone dinged.

    Which, of course, it does every five minutes or so throughout the day.

    Between email, Facebook, Twitter, messaging, and Whatsapp, my phone is like a running faucet—it never stops. But it’s never seemed to really bother me.

    Apparently, it bothered my friend.

    “What was that sound?” she asked, glaring at my phone.

    “Ah, who knows? Probably an email came in. I won’t answer it,” I assured her.

    Appearing slightly disturbed, she made an uncertain face and then resumed the conversation.

    Within minutes, it dinged again.

    Worried and anticipating disapproval, I looked at my friend. As expected, she made a dissatisfying face and a “tsk” sound demonstrating denunciation. Still, she made no mention of the phone.

    She invited me and her family to sit down for dinner, and less than a minute into beginning our meal, my phone dinged again.

    That damn phone, I suddenly thought to myself!

    “Can you please just turn your phone off?” my friend remarked in a reprimanding tone.

    Did my friend just reprimand me? I thought to myself. And in front of her children? How dare she shame me!

    I looked around at the faces staring back at me and knew I was stuck. So, I turned to The S.T.U.C.K. Method, a simple and easy-to-remember technique I practice anytime, anywhere to stop being hijacked by my emotions and take better care of myself and my relationships.

    So I stopped. I closed my eyes for a brief second and took a deep breath.

    I told myself I was stuck on embarrassment.

    I uncovered my beliefs and checked the accuracy of each one.

    I believed I’m allowed to live the way I want to live regarding the use of my phone!

    Yes, but don’t you want to show respect for your friend and her family?

    I believed my friend had no right to lecture me and certainly not in front of her kids!

    Shira, did she lecture you?

    I believed my friend just ruined the entire evening!

    The entire evening? Shira, the evening just began!

    I believed my friend completely embarrassed me!

    What was so embarrassing with what she said?

    Looking at my beliefs, I could see my story was not really stable, so I came up with other perspectives.

    • I considered that, in all honesty, the phone was starting to bother me, even before my friend remarked on it.
    • I considered that my friend did not lecture me and had no intention of hurting me.
    • I considered that I could respect the standards my friend sets for herself and her family and silence my phone at certain times during the visit.
    • I considered the irony that my friend, the one with little to no experience in mindfulness, was trying to gently help me realize the freedom I could experience if I were to silence my phone.
    • I considered I could just silence the phone during dinner and not make a big deal out of it.
    • I considered gratitude for having a friend in my life who feels comfortable to be honest with me and holds me to the same standard she holds her family.

    I recognized my friend had no ill will and, therefore, I had no reason to feel embarrassed. I chose to do something I never do. I got up from the table and silenced my phone.

    I got stuck on embarrassment, but it’s okay. I’m glad I didn’t stay stuck for too long and ruin what otherwise was a beautiful and inspiring evening, both at the lecture and in the company of my dear friend.

    The next time you are feeling emotionally triggered, try The S.T.U.C.K. Method.

    First, STOP and bring your attention to something real in the present moment (such as noticing your breath).

    Next, TELL yourself what you are feeling (such as: “I am stuck on anger”).

    UNCOVER your beliefs about what is triggering you. Look out for words such as: need, should, always, never, and other generalizations. For each belief, ask yourself, is this 100% accurate?

    Then, CONSIDER other perspectives. Stretch your “consideration muscles” and allow any and every other kind of viewpoint to be possible. Then, choose at least one and take it on. Finally, remind yourself that it’s OK you got stuck in the first place.

    By closing this practice with self-compassion, you relieve yourself of any guilt or self-criticism that may arise from getting stuck in the first place and promote well-being.

  • The Benefits of Minimalism: 7 Reasons to Declutter Your Life

    The Benefits of Minimalism: 7 Reasons to Declutter Your Life

    Minimalism

    “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” ~ William Morris

    Have you ever noticed that every time you move you need a bigger truck than the last time you moved?

    People love to collect things, and we have a tendency to keep collecting things in order to fill the available space in our homes (and sometimes beyond).

    I’m a firm believer in the idea that material possessions do not equate to happiness, so I recently started to explore the idea of living a minimalist lifestyle, to see if a less cluttered home would result in a less cluttered mind.

    I concentrated on decluttering each element of my life by reducing the amount of material possessions I owned and removing those that were unnecessary. This allowed me to focus on those items I valued most.

    I followed the seven steps below to declutter my possessions:

    Step 1: Categorized my possessions in order to sort through them one at a time (clothes, shoes, bags, jewelry, cosmetics, electronics, books, etc.)

    Step 2: Gathered together everything I own from one category, so I could see the true extent of my possessions.

    Step 3: Immediately discarded anything that jumped out at me that I no longer required.

    Step 4: Analyzed all remaining items to identify whether I loved them. After careful consideration, I discarded anything I didn’t love or need.

    Step 5: This was a step where I pushed myself to be more ruthless. I questioned whether I really truly loved the things in my “keep pile” and removed a few more.

    Step 6: Tidied everything I had decided to keep neatly away.

    Step 7: Gave everything I wasn’t keeping to friends and charity shops and sent some things for recycling.

    The process of removing all material possessions I no longer required from my life taught me a number of lessons:

    1. Mindful purchasing

    We purchase many items on a whim, with little consideration of need or desire. What a waste of money to buy something you may not even particularly like!

    A thorough decluttering session teaches you to be more mindful of a purchase and analyze its importance before spending your hard-earned cash.

    When decluttering my clothes, I came across several items that still had the labels attached. I found it really difficult to part with these, as it felt so wasteful given that I had never worn them. This was a great lesson in ensuring that from now on I will only buy items I am sure I will definitely wear.

    2. Money saved from unnecessary and frivolous purchases

    Restricting purchases to only necessary items has the added benefit of saving cash. My biggest overspend in the past has been on clothes.

    Since I have significantly reduced my clothes shopping, I have saved a considerable amount of money. This money has helped to fund my true passion of travel and exploring the world.

    3. Time saved by being able to find things more easily

    Reducing your possessions allows you to find items more quickly, saving precious time.

    No longer will you have to hunt through a stash of necklaces but easily choose one from the small collection you have retained. No fishing around among a mountain of handbags or rooting through hanger after hanger of clothes. The choice is quicker and easier.

    4. Space saved from owning less

    The fewer possessions you own, the less storage space you need.

    Since doing some serious decluttering, I now need half the space I previously did. I am currently looking to move to a smaller apartment, as I now have far too much room for one person and could happily live somewhere much smaller.

    5. Happier outlook

    Surrounding yourself with items you love and displaying only the items most valuable to you will make you feel happier. You won’t have to search through lots of items that you don’t like. Favorite items won’t get lost at the back of the cupboard or the bottom of the drawer.

    Gone are the days of saving your favorite things for a special occasion. Every day is a special occasion now that I am only using the things I love and my life is happier as a result.

    6. Quicker and easier to clean and tidy

    The fewer possessions you have, the neater your house will be and the easier it will be to keep clean.

    Marie Kondo, the decluttering expert, advocates the philosophy that each possession has a place and you should know exactly where to find everything. This is only possible if you reduce the amount of your material items. Now my living space is cleaner and tidier, my mind is less cluttered.

    7. More freedom

    As you begin to detach from material possessions and place more importance on experiences rather than things, you will sense a feeling of lightness and freedom, which can become addictive.

    I love this new sense of freedom I feel from no longer being surrounded by piles of unnecessary items I never use and being less attached to possessions. This allows me to focus instead on people and experiences.

    Now it’s your turn. Choose one category to start with and focus on the seven steps. See how it makes you feel. Try to dispose of unwanted possessions responsibly.