Tiny Buddha

Category: happiness & fun

  • 28 Ways We Sabotage Our Happiness (And How to Stop)

    28 Ways We Sabotage Our Happiness (And How to Stop)

    Happy People

    “The simplest things in life are the most extraordinary.” ~Paul Coelho

    Life can be frustrating. Things don’t always go according to plan.

    People let you down, your loved ones seem insufficiently appreciative, the future seems uncertain, demands pile up, and stress invades your life.

    You start to beat yourself up over mistakes. You might even start to question if you are worthy of love. Life loses its shine.

    You’re not alone. Hundreds of millions of people feel this way. But pause for a little while to consider this story.

    A personable young man approached me at a gathering and introduced himself. I had known his father professionally. Some weeks later, to my surprise, I was invited to participate in a benefit concert for this same young man.

    He had been in a sports accident only weeks after we met. In an instant, he was paralyzed from the neck down. He was flown to a leading center for such severe injuries.

    I was doubly horrified, as a parent, because our own children were not much younger than he was. Such an accident might crush anyone’s spirit, I thought.

    I recalled my own childhood. Sometimes my parents would speak words of appreciation, but more often they would criticize me. For years, I remained eager to win their approval and feel worthy.

    After years of driving myself hard to win accolades, I eventually adopted a more self-assured way of living. This brought me more fulfilment, joy, and peace of mind. But this youngster’s wings were cruelly clipped just as he was on the verge of adulthood.

    I then lost track of him for a few years. One day I opened a glossy magazine and found him smiling out at me, sitting in a wheelchair and looking radiant in his tuxedo. He’s now happily married and a champion of better opportunities for people with disabilities.

    A culture that worships status and wealth can tend to disrespect or patronize people with disabilities. But if abilities, achievements, and wealth are what make us worthy of respect and love, then our own worth remains precarious. That’s why this young man, with his invincible spirit, is such an inspiration.

    His attitudes gave him wings to transcend his predicament, even though he was permanently paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. My past attitudes had been like a ball and chain to me, weighing me down inwardly despite my outward success. It made me reflect on the importance of our inner attitude.

    Here are twenty-eight unhelpful beliefs and behaviors that hinder happiness. Don’t let them be a ball and chain in your life.

    1. Stop thinking that you have to be just like someone else, or to match their apparent success.

    Instead, recognize that you are unique. Form your own personalized criteria of success.

    2. Stop thinking that wealth, looks, intelligence, talent, and status equate to fulfillment.

    Instead, make room for criteria such as peace of mind, joy, family happiness, love, and self-actualization.

    3. Stop thinking that you need to be perfect in order to be lovable.

    Instead, accept your faults and mistakes but believe they cannot rob you of your intrinsic dignity. Think of a mother pouring all her love into her little baby. That love is not dependent on the baby being perfect. It is a profound, unshakable love based on the baby simply existing.

    Each of us is like that baby, a child of the Universe, fashioned by love and inherently worthy of love. Affirm that to yourself regularly and you will start to rejoice in your humanity, warts and all.

    4. Stop judging yourself harshly.

    Instead, recognize that all human beings stumble. Become a more forgiving and sympathetic friend to yourself; learn from your mistakes but move on.

    5. Stop being hungry for approval.

    Instead, recognize your own power, as a human being, to appreciate, encourage, and build up others.

    Once you accept that you are inherently and unshakably lovable, your hunger for approval will be tamed. This confidence will allow you to look beyond yourself. You will become a dispenser of approval more than a seeker of it.

    6. Stop thinking that your happiness depends on how others feel about you.

    Instead, cultivate your own stable inner source of peace and joy. Take up some absorbing creative activity that fits your talents, pray or meditate, find something that reliably engages you and recharges you.

    7. Stop thinking that achievements are a measure of your worth.

    Don’t chase too many “rabbits” at one time (the many little things that bring more worry than fulfillment). As the proverb says, “Anyone who chases too many rabbits won’t catch any.”

    Instead, focus on the few “elephants” that will contribute most to your personalized criteria of success (the few goals that fit in best with what you value).

    8. Stop rehashing past mistakes or fearing future failures.

    Instead, be more fully present in each moment.

    Don’t burden yourself with trying to work it all out from moment to moment. Set apart planning time regularly, where you can solve problems and translate your cherished values into simple steps. If, for example, peace of mind is important to you, then a simple step might be to practice prayer or meditation for a few minutes each day.

    Throw yourself into your simple next steps, without rumination over the past or worry over the future. That’s how you can build a fulfilling, enjoyable life.

    9. Stop obsessing over outcomes.

    Instead, do whatever needs to be done, with all your heart. You’ll live more calmly, courageously, and vigorously, with outcomes that surprise you.

    Immerse yourself in the process and trust that you’ll be okay whatever happens.

    10. Stop thinking that every small risk will lead to disaster.

    Instead, reach courageously for more fulfillment. Don’t imprison yourself or curb your potential.

    11. Stop thinking that failure in an endeavor means that you’re a failure as a person.

    Instead, congratulate yourself for stretching beyond your comfort zone. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose; that’s okay.

    12. Stop ruminating about what can’t be changed.

    Whenever discouraged, try to remember people who suffer sudden, permanent paralysis—and still find ways to create a fulfilling life.

    13. Stop pretending that you’re just a machine.

    Instead, make some time regularly to be still, and experience the joy of spirituality. This will enhance your capacity to respect, befriend, and love others.

    14. Stop thinking that being alone means being unhappy.

    Instead, cultivate a richer inner life that can sustain you whether or not you happen to be alone.

    Your leisure time is a good place to start. Devote some of it to developing the life of the mind and soul: read some classics, challenge yourself to learn something new, absorb lessons from great teachers through the ages, open your eyes to the beauty of nature, your ears to the beauty of great music. Find sources of joy and drink deeply.

    15. Stop pretending that other people own your time.

    Instead, live more intentionally—in your work, play, voluntary service, socialization, and relaxation. Allocate your time instead of drifting.

    16. Stop thinking that you have to say “yes” to every request.

    Instead, establish your own policies and be more confidently picky. Just say “I don’t do that,” or simply “No,” whenever required.

    17. Stop acting as if your romantic partner is completely fused with you.

    Instead, nurture your self-respect and individuality. It will help keep the electricity of romance alive.

    18. Stop clinging to resentment.

    It will eat you up inside. Instead, be more eager to understand and forgive.

    Whenever it seems difficult to forgive, remember that our actions and omissions have deep roots. They spring partly from our genes, our upbringing, our opportunities or lack thereof, our successes and failures, our past wounds, and so much more. If we were to exchange places with the offender, who can be sure that we would behave any better?

    19. Stop thinking you can lash out when angry and still get what you want.

    Instead, take time out and speak once you’re calmer. You’ll get more of what you really value.

    20. Stop pretending that you have no self-control.

    Instead, take up regular exercise, work at a skill, or take up some other disciplined yet intrinsically rewarding activity. This will help build your self-control in all areas of life.

    21. Stop thinking it’s a sign of weakness to reach out for help.

    Instead, recognize that vulnerability often elicits compassion, friendship, and support.

    22. Stop mistaking disagreement by others as a sign of them disliking you.

    Instead, cultivate mutual respect and cultivate confidence in your own worth. This can withstand differences of opinion.

    23. Stop acting as if the world will end if you miss a deadline.

    Instead, decline or ignore unrealistic demands. Keep progressing toward important goals, but without sacrificing your well-being.

    24. Stop thinking that you have to navigate office politics on your own.

    If you’re pursuing career goals, try to identify and cultivate a powerful mentor. They can help steer you through minefields.

    25. Stop pretending your current job is your only option.

    Instead, keep an eye open for more fulfilling opportunities. That will help you to avoid being swamped by work.

    26. Stop thinking you’re incapable of creativity.

    When you create anything (an essay, a drawing, a crafted object, music, etc.), you affirm that you can rise above the chaos of life. Instead of being a piece of driftwood in the water, you become, for a while, the surfer who rides the breakers.

    27. Stop pretending you have no time to enjoy healthy meals.

    Make mealtimes pleasant and nourishing so that you can more easily avoid unhealthy snacks. Be good to your brain and body, and they will be good to you.

    28. Stop thinking your education has ended, no matter how old you are.

    Those who keep learning, informally or formally, boost their sense of purpose in life.

    —

    You don’t have to tackle all these things at once. Make a start with whatever speaks the most to you. Life will soon become less frustrating and more fulfilling.

    Remember you are worthy of respect, love, and joy, whatever your shortcomings and mistakes. Choose your thoughts and actions wisely and feel the difference.

    Happy people silhouette via Shutterstock

  • A Science-Backed Habit That Can Change Your Life for the Better

    A Science-Backed Habit That Can Change Your Life for the Better

    Happy Man Jumping

    “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” ~Epictetus

    When I lost my aunt to cancer three years ago, her death sat over me for months and acceptance didn’t begin until I had dinner with Kathy, one of my best friends.

    Over noodles, I shared with Kathy all the things I wouldn’t be able to do with my aunt: the conversations we would never get to have, the places we wouldn’t get to go, the food we wouldn’t be able to eat, and the grand-nephews and nieces she wouldn’t get to hold.

    Kathy asked me, “what about all the things you did get to do with your aunt?”

    I shared with Kathy how every time I experienced a breakup my aunt would make me a bowl of pho and make time to reassure me that everything would be okay, how every time I thought I was working too hard and not having fun she would invite me to play cards with her, and how when I told my family I didn’t want to be a doctor and my family disapproved she supported me.

    Tears sweep over my face with each story I was telling Kathy, but so did the biggest smile I had in a long time.

    “You’re so lucky to have the known your aunt. Think about all the people who don’t have someone like that in their life,” Kathy said.

    After that dinner, every time I thought about my aunt it would be about the memories I was grateful to have shared with her instead of the ones we wouldn’t get to have.

    Kathy helped me understand that the difference between feeling happy and feeling unhappy was the difference between viewing the world in terms of what you do/did have instead of what I don’t/didn’t have.

    This single lesson not only helped me come to terms with my aunt’s death but also taught me to frame potential negatives in my life into positives.

    Each time my flight is delayed (and it seems to happen a lot), instead of viewing it as missing four hours of my vacation, I think about lucky I am to even have an opportunity to travel.

    Each time, I forget my subway card and choose to walk back to my house to get it, I think how lucky I am to even have a subway near my house.

    Years later, I found that Kathy’s lesson wasn’t just coincident but had been scientifically proven.

    The Science and Data Support Kathy’s Lesson

    Psychologists at the University of Northampton studied how people adapt to grief after exceptional experiences such as death of a loved one.

    While this study had a small sample size and found no single factor can help overcome grief, they found having a lens of appreciating what you have/had instead of what you don’t helped one subject, “gratitude in feeling blessed to have had the time [subject] did with [loved one] as well as the overall change in his perspective, which was found to be transformative.”

    The above finding about gratitude and happiness isn’t limited to just overcoming a personal loss, but can also increase our overall happiness when dealing with every day troubles.

    In one study conducted at the University of California at Davis and the University of Miami, participants were randomly assigned into one of three groups and asked to keep a weekly journal.

    The first group (the gratitude group) was asked to list five things they were grateful for that had occurred in the past week; the second group (the irked group) recorded five experiences that irked them from the previous week; and the third group (the control) was asked to list five events that affected them the previous week with no focus on the positive or on the negative.

    When the study concluded ten weeks later, participants in the gratitude group reported feeling 25% happier and just better in general than the irked group.

    How to Let This Habit Change Your Life

    Though I have shared with you a practice that has changed my life and the science behind it, this habit will only change your life if you actively let it. And this is easy.

    In your everyday life, you will encounter inconveniences and hassles—forgetting your keys at home, being stuck in traffic, or spilling wine on yourself. Each time this happens, simply pause and instead of focusing on the negative outcome, remind yourself of the more positive larger picture—you have a home to come back to, you have time to reflect on your day, and you have access to dry-cleaning.

    Over time by focusing on the positives of an event, you will maximize your outward happiness and minimize inner suffering.

    Happy man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • How to Reclaim Your Energy So You Can Follow Your Dreams

    How to Reclaim Your Energy So You Can Follow Your Dreams

    “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~Dan Millman

    I don’t care who you are or where you live, we all have one thing in common: We like to dream—to close our eyes and imagine that we’re living the life we were meant to lead. It’s a desire that’s imbedded in our DNA. To want more. Achieve more. Become more.

    It’s why we start new businesses, write novels, learn to play the guitar, get our MBA, change careers, learn to cook, sew, or speak Swahili.

    We’re all chasing a dream, everyday life dreams as well. Like simple happiness, good health, or financial independence; finding a place to call home, someone to love, or a path to inner peace. Perhaps it’s just a life with less pain, heartache, or loneliness.

    Dreams are not only what make the world a better place, but you and I better human beings. We need to chase our dreams every chance we get. Fortunately, most of us do, and with all our hearts.

    Unfortunately, many of us give up on those dreams almost before we even start, stuffing them in the back of our sock drawer until we forget they were ever there.

    It’s easy to make excuses for our failed dreams, too. We don’t know where to begin, or we have no time, money, skills, or commitment. But the real enemy is deeper and more insidious.

    We’re plain worn out. We have no energy to chase our dreams.

    There’s always somewhere to go and something to do. Late meetings at work, carpool to drive, lunches to be made, trash to be taken out, homework to finish.

    We catch a cold. Lose our job. Start a relationship. End a relationship. Birthdays. Holidays. Trips to the dentist. The list is endless and exhausting. It’s no wonder we have nothing left in the tank for a better life. It’s all we can do to maintain the life we have.

    Money is not the great currency of our time. Energy is. Physical energy to get out of bed and positive energy to do something better with our lives. All the noblest dreams in the world mean nothing if we don’t have the energy to pursue them.

    Several years ago I was diagnosed with Meniere’s disease, a disorder of the inner ear. Two months later, I was diagnosed with an acoustic neuroma in the other ear, a benign tumor.

    While neither is fatal, and there are certainly people with far worse conditions than I have, I found myself in the unusual position of being tired all the time.

    I could live with the symptoms. Dizziness. Vertigo. Ringing in the ears. Hearing loss. But being worn out, tired, and deprived of my energy, well, that was the real enemy. I had no desire to chase the things that were once important to me.

    At the same time, I was going through a career change that drained even more energy, coupled with poor eating habits that drained me even more.

    That’s the thing about energy; it can drain out of us in so many different ways. Sure, bad health will do it, but so will a toxic relationship, or not being able to pay your mortgage, or finding out your son is being bullied in school. Worry. Fear. Regret. Anger. They’re all “pin in the balloon” energy busters.

    Fortunately, there’s hope. Lots of hope. We just need to learn how to get our energy back. In fact, the fight to reclaim our energy is one of the most important battles we’ll ever fight. Triumph here and we gain the strength to fight an even greater battle—the fight for our dreams and the life we imagined.

    Of course, reclaiming our energy doesn’t happen by accident, and it’s not always easy. But every day there are golden opportunities for us to get back our energy. Here are some random tips to get started.

    Just point your finger at one and go for it. It doesn’t matter which one. Any one will do. Then try another. And another. Before you know it, you will find yourself with enough energy to reclaim the life you desire.

    Energy Building Tips To Live The Life You Desire

    Stay in the moment.

    Want to see your energy soar? Catch yourself living in the past or the future as often as you can.

    Notice regret as it pops up, or guilt, or longing. Recognize when you start thinking about what might or might not happen tomorrow. Catch all these “past and future” moments, and then bring yourself back to the moment you’re living in. The present moment is the only place where we will find both peace and power.

    Engage in activities that keep you in the moment.

    Deep breathing exercises work, as will meditation, yoga, gardening, reading, swimming, running; a walk in the woods, a bike ride at the beach. Nature helps, so does humor, volunteering, gratitude, compassion, and doing virtually anything that brings you joy.

    Avoid the 24/7 always on lifestyle.

    Turn off lights, music, news, equipment, and most importantly, the mind. And while you’re at it, stay away from conversations with people who only want to talk about how screwed up the world is. The more you obsess about something, the faster you’ll bring more of it into your life. And every time we do, we just suck away our energy.

    Seek friends who uplift and support, make you smile and laugh.

    Avoid friends who infringe on your space, covet your time, suck your energy, and give nothing in return. We all know who they are.

    Avoid excessive food, drink, or anything that consumes more time and energy than it gives back.

    In short, avoid anything that brings you imbalance, fatigue, and illness, no matter how pleasurable or intoxicating it may seem. This means poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, excessive alcohol, caffeine, and sugar.

    Treat your body like a $200,000 Ferrari.

    It’s not enough to just avoid putting negative influences into our body. We need to put the best gasoline into our bodies we can.

    We can start by drinking more water and eating nutrient rich foods that give energy. That means colorful greens, fruits, good proteins, and fats. Experiment with a gluten-free or sugar free diet, or just try eating less packaged and processed food. Keep a journal and take note of how your energy levels rise and fall based on what you put into your body.

    Live your own life.

    Avoid saying, doing, and becoming something only because it’s what others want to see and hear. It takes too much energy to live your life for someone else.

    Live an authentic and conscious life.

    Avoid doing work you don’t want to do, places you don’t want to live, or situations that no longer serve your needs. Being conscious of what you do on a daily basis puts you on a path to finding your purpose in life, which will energize every other part of your life.

    Treat yourself well.

    That could mean anything. Chocolate. Massage. Mornings off. Exercise. Eight hours sleep. Flowers in the house. A glass of wine. A cup of tea. It also means letting go of self-judgment. When talking about yourself (or to yourself), use only positive, energizing, and life-affirming words.

    —

    At the end of the day, all this adds up to a simple two-prong strategy. Avoid the things in life that take our energy away and then find the magic that brings our energy back.

    But it takes conscious effort and a seeker mentality. We have to be vigilant, constantly looking within and without at all times, searching for those bits of insight and habit that will recharge our spirit.

    It’s the only way we’ll ever be strong enough to chase our dreams and live the lives we were meant to live.

    Go ahead and dream, but make your first dream the gift of energy.

    Your future self will thank you for it.

  • How Your Expectations Can Hold You Back and Keep You Unhappy

    How Your Expectations Can Hold You Back and Keep You Unhappy

    Sad Face

    “My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportions to my expectations.” ~Anonymous

    I used to be quite the model student. I thrived at university and seemed to be meeting all the expectations of our milestone-society.

    Having chosen a Business Masters at a well-established university in the Netherlands, I was being schooled for a corporate career in a multinational firm, which I thought was what I wanted for myself.

    I was led to believe that a shiny-bright future was waiting for me as soon as I acquired this magical piece of paper, and who doesn’t want that? I never even gave it a second thought and just pushed myself through my studies as best as I could.

    Sure, being a financially challenged student and having to pay for my own education had its struggles, but it also had its charming moments. Besides, studying came easily to me. The achievement gave me a purpose and a great sense of self-worth.

    I couldn’t wait to graduate and finally start ‘real life.’ I was eager to be able to make good money, and I imagined myself happy, together with my boyfriend, living that grown-up life with all the perks that come with it.

    Little did I know what was waiting for me. There was this something called an economic crisis and, although I’d put my resume online, my phone wasn’t ringing off the hook with companies begging me to work for them. Quite the opposite, actually.

    I was receiving rejection after rejection, unable to get a job that was suitable for my education, and I ended up working at a coffee store for minimum wage.

    I’d get up every morning at 4am to serve cappuccinos to people who were on their way to university or their grown-up jobs. I had to face those strangers covered in milk foam, feeling like I had “underachiever” written on my forehead. I felt like an absolute failure.

    When I got home from work, cranky and sleep-deprived, I searched for jobs I could apply for. I would catch myself, while I was desperately applying for the jobs I’d spent so much time studying for, feeling resentment toward those jobs at the same time.

    They all seemed either boring or extremely stressful, didn’t sit with my moral practices, and, above all, seemed so meaningless to me. I started to realize that getting into this corporate treadmill would set me up for a life that would make me downright unhappy and empty.

    So there I was, finally graduated, my income barely covering my rent, with a big fat student loan debt and absolutely no clue what I actually wanted to do in life. Shortly thereafter, I got physically sick and, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my relationship ended, leaving me on my own, devastated, clueless, and broke.

    There it was: the ever-widening gap between my expectations and reality. To say that I was dissatisfied would be a massive understatement. It is safe to say that I was having a full-blown mental breakdown.

    My entire self-worth was dependent on achievement and the love of someone else, yet now I had none of that left to cling to. I absolutely loathed myself and felt ashamed of where I was in life, convinced that there had to be something terribly wrong with me.

    So how do you even begin to deal with that? I can tell you what definitely does not help (because I tried them all):

    • Spending your days at home scrolling through Facebook and comparing yourself to everyone who seems to have his or her life together.
    • Watching Netflix while binging on chocolate and pretending that the reality doesn’t exist.
    • Indulging in alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes only to wake up feeling like absolute crap.
    • Spending hours on end dwelling on the situation, overthinking and analyzing it over and over, wondering “Why me?’
    • Being too hard on yourself for not being where you want to be, talking negatively to yourself, and feeling worthless because of it.
    • Throwing yourself in the arms of the next man (or woman) who is clearly not the right partner for you, hoping he (or she) will fix you, or at least ease the pain. This leads down the path of even more drama and very ugly break ups.

    These kinds of activities may lead you to think you are helping yourself, as it does bring momentary relief, but you only end up causing more damage.

    I got stuck in a deep, dark depression and I had no clue how to get out of it. I spent hours lying on the floor crying my eyes out, praying for this to be over.

    I decided that working on myself was the only potential course of action to get out of this mess. I started reading piles of books about personal development, I got back to my yoga practice, and I started to turn inward and practice mindfulness in my daily life.

    I followed a mindfulness course and would sit down for at least thirty minutes in silence every day to practice my mindfulness meditation. It’s what turned my whole world around.

    Not right away, but slowly and steadily, my mindset and perspective began to shift and, with that, my outside world changed too.

    By practicing mindfulness I learned to accept what is instead of resenting and fighting it. I stopped judging both my situation and myself, which helped me to stop beating myself up over not being where I wanted to be.

    It gave me the strength to let go of all my long-held expectations (many of which weren’t mine to begin with) and just be present with whatever there is now.

    Before my mindfulness journey, the idea of accepting and not judging the situation sounded like defeat to me, like being passive . In university I was programmed to compete, to analyze, to strive… everything but accept.

    Though it might seem like the easier way out, fully accepting the present can be quite a challenge. Yet it is the only way to move forward.

    That’s the paradox, which can be sometimes hard to grasp. Only by accepting A are we able to move to B, and only by practicing this day by day did I start to experience and understand that.

    That’s when you start to enjoy the journey and stop wishing you were at your end goal already. It doesn’t suddenly make the gap between what you have and what you want disappear, but it does allow you to regain your happiness.

    It also creates space in your head. Space that’s no longer absorbed by negative emotions and hostile thoughts. When you learn to let go of your expectations, a big open road suddenly unfolds right in front of you. One full of new possibilities, ready and waiting for you to create your own path.

    They say that every difficult experience holds a blessing within, which is so true when I look back at my situation now.

    I can clearly see how this dark period in my life was a necessity for me to grow into the person that I really am. To start living the life I always wanted and pursue happiness instead of social status or material wealth.

    I have now found my sweet spot and live a healthy and happy life driven by passion and love. When you trade expectations for acceptance miracles will truly happen.

    Sad face image via Shutterstock

  • You Are Worthy Regardless of What You Achieve

    You Are Worthy Regardless of What You Achieve

    Woman Looking Up to the Sky

    “Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” ~Albert Einstein

    I am pathetic. I am a walking, talking cliché (well, maybe not walking—I use an electric wheelchair).

    I am one of those people who is so desperate to overcome their own sense of lack that they create some giant obstacle to overcome, or some massive achievement to attain, in order to feel that they might just be worth something.

    I am an over-compensator, so desperate to feel okay about the fact that I am, in some ways, not as capable as other people that I seek to achieve the impossible—purely to show the whole world, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am enough.

    The great irony, of course,  when you do this is that the only one you’re really trying to please is yourself. You’re just afraid that you aren’t worthy, so you seek to prove that you are, through your achievements. It doesn’t work. Everybody can see what you’re trying to do.

    Your desire to achieve is fine, but it’s silly and fruitless to pin your self-worth on it.

    You might wonder why I’m being so down on myself. And the truth is, I’m just being honest. This is how I operated until recently. It’s part of personal growth, something we have to go through before we begin to realize the deeper truths about life.

    No grand achievement will fill any emotional hole in me. It just won’t. The more I hope it will, the less likely I am to achieve it. It makes a man (or woman) weak and pathetic to be reliant on achievement for his sense of self because ultimately, he’s giving over his power to things he can’t control.

    Rather than move me toward my goals, all the hoping, struggling, wishing, and trying to improve myself only seemed to make the hamster wheel spin faster.

    In actuality, it was just teaching me how to have control over myself. I learned that in order to try and get the things I was so desperate to have, I had to do things that were against my nature and control my emotional state.

    I had to fight to turn lethargy into energy, anger into desire, or boredom into enthusiasm instead of embracing my feelings and allowing myself space to explore them. It works, but it’s exhausting. Not quite as exhausting, however, as actually trying to do things.

    Forcing yourself to get up for the alarm, to work toward the goal that you desperately ‘need’ to feel worthy or complete, and yet makes you incredibly anxious and miserable, is one of the hardest and most trialling things you’ll ever do. And I’ve experienced a lot of trials. The better you get at it, the more stupid it seems, because you just get more miserable.

    You become a slave to your goals and desires. A robot. A cog in a machine of your own making. At least if I was just going to work for somebody else I’d be paid to work in a machine I wasn’t responsible for. Being a slave to the machine of your own dreams and ambitions is like being the owner, repairman, operator, and cog all in one. It’s impossible.

    Eventually you start to wonder: “Hang on, I thought this was supposed to make me free. And happy. Not a slave.” You’re right. That’s what it was meant to do. But it never could. You’re asking for the impossible.

    Dreams and ambitions are wonderful. They bring fire to your belly, light to the distant future, and meaning to your miserable failings. That’s all it does, though. It doesn’t change your present moment. It doesn’t change the reality. Right. Now.

    On my journey in life so far, I’ve experienced three distinct phases, each of which has taught me an important lesson.

    The Leaf in the Wind Phase

    I am just one little leaf being blown around in the giant storm of life, and my only real power is to observe and absorb the world around me. I have to accept the good with the bad as well as my place in the world. However, this left me feeling like a passive observer.

    Self-Improvement

    I discovered the power of self-direction, that I could change my beliefs, habits, and desires through effort. I could teach myself things, and direct my life toward that which caught my eye.

    I gained an incredible, if misguided, sense of control over my future and started to believe I could literally control my destiny. Even when this led to success, I became more and more like an automaton—a slave to the habits and beliefs necessary to achieve the goals that I believed would make me worthy.

    Waking Up

    I realized using my self-improvement as a measure of my self-worth was a bit obnoxious, not to mention futile. Even if I got what I wanted, there would always be something bigger and better to measure myself by; I’d never be enough.

    Waking up involves discovering that you don’t need to change who you are; you are enough, just as you are. That doesn’t mean you can’t pursue change. You just do the things you have to do, step by step, without any attachment to a particular outcome. That’s it. You simply act.

    You start to like yourself, primarily because you get to know yourself. And you find that actually, you were pretty cool all along.

    The irony is, the outcomes we become attached to prevent us from ever getting what we really seek. Nobody wants to be rich or famous; they want to be significant and connected to other people. Those things come as a result of your process, the actions you take every day, not the outcomes we tie our self-worth to.

    The biggest part of ‘waking up’ for me was realizing that my obsession with audacious goals was my way of avoiding the real changes I needed to make, which were broadly around learning to like myself.

    Now that I’ve made some of those changes, my goals are less important to me and simultaneously more likely to come to fruition. All because I want to achieve my goals, I don’t need them to feel worthy or complete.

    I no longer feel that I have to change who I am to get what I want, which means I no longer repress my feelings. If I’m feeling moody, sad, or lazy, I embrace that and give myself a break instead of telling myself I’m wrong to feel how I feel.

    I’ve learned that we don’t need to control everything around us. We couldn’t even if we wanted to. There is only now. This very second is all we have, and will ever have.

    You can have goals, that’s fine, you can work toward them, that’s also fine, but to tie yourself up in a tight knot of stress and mental chatter is just a recipe for misery.

    Waking up begins when you realize that you don’t need to achieve anything specific to be worthy, happy, or at peace.

    Woman looking up to the sky image via Shutterstock

  • 12 Ways to Turn Your Crippling Stress into Happiness

    12 Ways to Turn Your Crippling Stress into Happiness

    Happy Meditating Woman

    “More smiling, less worrying. More compassion, less judgment. More blessed, less stressed. More love, less hate.” ~Roy Bennett

    You are a slave to stress.

    I can relate. Stress crushed my life and dreams.

    I started a business and faced intense criticism over this decision.

    Everyone was sure I’d fail. My friends and family attacked me while I was combating my own self-doubt.

    My stress level was insanely high.

    Then the worst happened. My business failed and I lost all my savings. I was crushed.

    It took a long time to finally accept this failure.

    Today, whenever I work, stress still lingers in my body like the shadow of my dark past. But now I know how cope with it. Let me teach you how.

    1. Consider getting a pet.

    Sharing negative feelings with close friends can significantly reduce stress. Studies show that spending time with pets relieves stress in the same way. Also, when you’re accompanied by a pet in stressful situations, it prevents your stress level from rising.

    I have a cat. He was my only friend when nobody was supporting me. I’m grateful to have him by my side.

    If you don’t have a pet, consider getting one. It may change your life in surprising ways.

    2. Stop dwelling on your problems.

    Kant State University had an eye-opening discovery. Apparently, the more you talk about your problems, the more you’re likely to suffer from depression.

    Of course, it’s healthy to share what you’re going through. But when you’re mindlessly dwelling on your problems, it doesn’t solve anything.

    I never talk to anyone about my problems because no one supports me. This propels me to actively seek solutions instead of blindly mulling over things that could stress me out.

    If you’re fortunate to have supportive friends, do seek their support. What’s important is that you don’t just whine about your difficulties, but actually act.

    3. Shower yourself with gifts.

    You’re being brutally hard on yourself.

    You take success for granted. Worse, you exaggerate failure.

    When you’ve reached a goal, you move on nonchalantly. If you don’t, you torment yourself mentally. You scold, devalue, and deprive yourself.

    I’ve been there. I know this is self-destructive.

    Reward yourself for reaching goals. Research shows that when you’re rewarded for an action, you’re likely to repeat it. This is called a positive feedback loop. It’s much more effective than punishment.

    If you gain stress from failure, without happiness from success, the only outcome is stress.

    If you earn happiness from success, without stress from failure, the only outcome is happiness.

    4. Exploit bad habits to your advantage.

    I used to run away from problems. When stress hit, I’d instantly give up on whatever I was working on and resort to escapism.

    You may have experienced this too.

    Escapism may entail over-eating, indulging in unhealthy foods, TV, Internet, porn, smoking, and drinking. Over time, they form destructive habits.

    Exploit escapism by using it as an anchor.

    Pick healthy alternatives, such as meditation, stretching, listening to motivational talks, napping, or light exercises.

    Before you escape, do thirty seconds of an alternative first.

    Say you’re angry with your boyfriend. You think you need to eat some junk food to calm down. Before that, meditate for thirty seconds. Then you’re free to indulge.

    Do this for two months. Then increase good habit time weekly, until the good habit completely drowns out the bad.

    This way, I built new automatic responses to stress and broke my escapist habits completely. Now when I feel stress, I either take a short nap or move along to uplifting music.

    After a few minutes, I’m recharged and motivated to face new challenges.

    5. Unleash your anger (and cry yourself to sleep).

    Don’t always try to appear perfectly calm. You need to express difficult emotions—anger, for example.

    Discuss your frustration with friends. Journal your rage and analyze it objectively on paper. You can even confront the object of frustration assertively.

    Remember to release your anger under control. Don’t throw tantrums or yell impulsively. Express it as a means of problem solving.

    This applies to other difficult emotions, as well, like sadness. It’s healthy to express these “negative” emotions.

    6. Reach great heights by letting yourself suck big time.

    I’ve learned to accept my devastating failure. I have to. Otherwise, I’d be completely destroyed and discouraged from pursuing anything ever again.

    Some people cannot accept mistakes. Everything has to be perfect from the start. They think others will look down on them if they appear to be flawed.

    These people are frequently stressed.

    The happiest and most successful people focus on improvement. They love mistakes and flaws, because they see them as opportunities to grow.

    Learn from these people.

    Have lofty goals but have realistic standards. Don’t judge yourself based on the results of your actions. See them as feedback and seek improvement from there.

    7. Be shameless about not doing things.

    You don’t have the time and energy to do everything you want to do.

    Inevitably, things are left undone, and you beat yourself up. This creates stress.

    Consider what’s truly important to you. Kill the rest shamelessly.

    This way, you gain more time and control over your life while making more progress.

    I focus only on my career and my relationships. I’ve postponed other ambitions, like becoming a martial artist and a calligrapher, because they’re comparatively unimportant.

    8. Declare war on useless crap.

    I’m clearing up my apartment. It’s now clean and spacious. When I’m inside, I feel more relaxed, concentrated, and in control.

    Psychologists found that clutter competes for your attention and overloads your brain. This makes you stressed and even damages your ability to think.

    Trash this useless crap ruthlessly.

    Begin with discarding one item per day, for two months. It’s easy, and it trains you to detach emotionally from your possessions. Later, you can expand to junk more items daily.

    9. Learn how to use your body wisely.

    I always keep my back straight and try to appear confident.

    Why? Because posture has a direct relationship with your mood and behavior.

    When you position your body in a natural and comfortable way, you feel less stressed.

    Also, when you appear confident, you feel more powerful and in control. Confidence balances out stress.

    Read books on correct posture and body language. These skills not only reduce stress reliably, they also keep your body healthy.

    10. Extract everything from your overloaded head.

    When your mind is overloaded, you feel agitated, you malfunction, and then you collapse.

    Extract all your mind clutter in one place, out of your head.

    Observe your thoughts for five to fifteen minutes, and let information resurface from your mind.

    You’ll be surprised how much stuff pops up. Things you have to do, things you’re waiting to do, open loops, creative ideas, long-term plans, and many more.

    Write down everything as soon as they come up, no matter how trivial they may seem.

    This helps organize your life and clears even the smallest mind clutter. When you can see everything on paper, you’ll find them more actionable. Life becomes less overwhelming.

    I personally prefer pen and paper for this. A sophisticated to-do system works too, but avoid spending too much time on that. You might create stress in the process.

    11. Learn from the Chinese: the spectator’s eyes.

    Stressed people are masters at exaggeration. They magnify every little problem.

    You can’t see the big picture when you are caught up inside a problem. Then you begin to exaggerate and freak out.

    A Chinese saying goes, “The spectator’s eyes are always clear.”

    Ask a friend for his honest opinion on your problems. This will likely help you recognize when something truly isn’t a big deal. Learn from spectators, and analyze your problems objectively. Then you can see problems as they are, and act wisely.

    12. Laugh: meet apocalypse with humor.

    I watch comedies a lot. They give me a brief escape from my stressors.

    One day I had a revelation.

    Visualize these scenarios: bombing a job interview, getting fired, being unemployed, getting robbed, getting sued, getting rejected by the opposite sex.

    Disasters. But they’re all funny in comedies. There’s something funny in every problem.

    Maybe you burned your food. Maybe you dropped your phone into the toilet. Have a laugh!

    Once you can do this, you’ll completely turn your perspective around. You’ll see the positive in every situation, and face problems happily.

    This Second, You Can Transform Stress Into Happiness

    It’s not impossible. Many people have done it.

    Pick one lesson that looks appealing to you, do some research on it, then act.

    You’ve let stress dominate you long enough. Now is the time to live differently.

    Do you want to stay crippled by stress? Or do you want to turn life into happiness?

    The choice is yours.

    Happy meditating woman image via Shutterstock

  • The Zen of Coloring: 7 Lessons on Living a Happy, Mindful Life

    The Zen of Coloring: 7 Lessons on Living a Happy, Mindful Life

    Adult Coloring

    “The hand can never execute anything higher than the heart can imagine.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I’ve been into mindfulness for a long time but having never been much of an artist, the mindfulness coloring craze had bypassed me until recently.

    I brought a book and some colored pencils to keep me amused during a recent train trip but enjoyed it so much I’ve continued the habit—and to my surprise, the work I’ve done looks quite good!

    I’d heard that mindful coloring is good for reducing stress levels and being more present, but I found even more benefits. For example, after coloring I noticed that I had flashes of inspiration and ideas that seemed to come out of nowhere for someone not usually known for their creative genius.

    Coloring is less about passing time now and more about helping me connect to the present moment and activate the creative part of my brain. It has also taught me a few life lessons, which I’d like to share:

    1. We create what we envision.

    Life is a blank canvas; we make it what we want it to be.

    Like the pages of my coloring book, each new day is blank with potential and possibility, and I get to choose what colors I use, how, and when, and the attitude with which I approach the page or the day.

    I can spend the day creating amazing colors and fulfilling my potential, or I can complain about the blunt pencils, going out of the lines, and the many other things that may not be going right.

    2. We’re all capable of creating beauty.

    We are all capable of creating beauty, even if we think we can’t draw. I’ve spent many years believing I’m no good at art, but this has showed me I am still able to create pretty pictures, despite not being ‘an actual artist’!

    The same is true of other roles we might want to try in life. We might think we’re not writers, or chefs, or enterpreneurs—but we can do more than we think, if only we’re willing to try. We can create something beautiful if we’re willing to see ourselves in a new light.

    3. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

    Mindful coloring has taught me to let go of perfection and unrealistic expectations of myself. Like life, my drawings don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay if I go out of the lines; mistakes are just bends in the road, not the end of the road. And if I’ve really messed it up I turn the page and start again.

    On the flip side, when it goes right I’ve learned to take a moment to savor this and appreciate the beauty. Sometimes in life, whether it’s on the page and our own creation or out in the world and a natural phenomenon, it’s nice to stop for a moment and appreciate what we’ve done.

    4. Good maintenance increases effectiveness.

    The second investment I made after my coloring pencils was a sharpener. I realized you can’t draw nice pictures with blunt pencils, and keeping the implements in good shape is critical for effective results.

    The same is true for ourselves; looking after our bodies and minds and prioritizing self-care allows us to perform at our peak.

    Whatever you do in your personal or professional life, you’ll be far more effective if you exercise regularly, eat nutritious meals, recharge through contemplative practices like yoga and meditation, and get sufficient sleep.

     5. Doing things we love isn’t wasting time.

    Mindful coloring has taught me the importance of finding time to do what we love. Most people look at me funny when I say I’ve been coloring, almost as if I must have nothing better to do and am clearly not busy enough doing ‘important things’ like other grown ups.

    It’s important that we have downtime and make time not just to do the things we love, but to play and flex our creative muscles as well. For me, that’s coloring; for you, that might be dancing, playing in a band, or riding your bike.

    6. We’re never too old to play.

    The misguided belief that coloring is for kids or that there are much more pressing things to spend our time on made me realize the importance of play.

    I hadn’t colored since I was a kid. In our grown up world of busyness we have overlooked the importance of keeping in touch with our inner child, and this is how life can get dull and boring.

    Not only does play keeps this interesting, it also relieves stress, boosts creativity, and can even improve brain function.

     7. Less doing, more being.

    Most of all, mindful coloring has showed me the art of less doing and more being, which is crucial in a world of overstretched, exhausted adults.

    Mindfulness itself in any form is fabulous for returning us to the present and making us more aware. We can spend so much time going over the past or worrying about the future that we miss the present, and this is of course our lives—the moments we are in now.

    It’s too easy to let life pass us by. Mindful activities give us the opportunity to be more present.

    —

    I would never have thought something as simple as coloring could have brought me so much insight and joy.

    Life is a lot like that—we never know what will enrich our lives until we give something a try. So go out there and create, and don’t worry about making it perfect. Just throw yourself into it and enjoy the process. And let yourself go out of the lines every now and then. Sometimes mistakes can be beautiful—and if not, you can always turn the page!

    Adult coloring image via Shutterstock

  • Look for the Good and You Will Find It

    Look for the Good and You Will Find It

    Rose Colored Glasses

    “What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” ~John Lubbock

    Have you ever noticed how as human beings, we tend to go negative?

    Looking out into the world, we see the crumpled fast food bag in the street and the torn curtain in the window.

    Looking into the mirror, we see the pores and dark circles under our eyes. We see the freckles and miss the dimple, or we hate the dimple and miss the smile.

    Our eyes focus in on what’s wrong.

    I’ve noticed it’s hard to undo this tendency in myself, though sometimes the veil drops suddenly, and I can see the beauty of the world around me.

    Many years ago, a friend and I made a three-day visit to the Polish city where we were to live for a year while we taught English.

    Arriving on the train, I was struck by the torn metal siding in the station and the crumbling rust of the ancient stair railings; as we walked along the sidewalk, how the entire city seemed one blocky stamped-out Soviet-era apartment building after the next.

    Neither of us spoke, but I felt sure my roommate’s thoughts mirrored my own: This was where we were going to live? This worn foot sole of a town was going to be our home for a year?

    Just as my mind headed in the direction of I don’t think I can live here, a tiny bird flew down a foot or so in front of my shoes, hopping a few inches here and there to nibble the tops of a tuft of grass poking out of the broken concrete.

    I let my suitcase bump to a stop and watched. The bright saturated green of the grass, the pale orange stripe on the bird’s beak, the angle of sunlight against the cracked sidewalk… it was beautiful. And at that moment my heart gave a hopeful thump. There was beauty here, too. I only needed to look for it.

    As humans, we have a built-in bias to see what’s not working, what needs fixing, what doesn’t measure up. In general, it’s not bad to see the negative… we avoid falling into pits by looking out for potholes. But seeing only the negative results in what I call “paper towel tube vision.”

    When you look through the empty cardboard paper towel tube, you only see whatever shows through the little circle at the end of it, and nothing else. This is what we’re seeing when we see only the flaws on our cheeks and only the crumpled coffee cups on the curbs of life. We see whatever appears in that little circle and lose all perspective.

    Seeing the good doesn’t mean we don’t see the bad, too. It means we throw away the paper towel tube and let our eyes take in what we don’t like and invite ourselves to see what’s good there, too. We let ourselves see it all, the big panoramic view that acknowledges that we are more than any mistake or flaw or misdeed.

    Imagine letting your mind unfold like a vast, exquisite map laid out on a table. Seeing the bigger picture can be an awesome way to see yourself with more love.

    Make a habit of looking for the good. Catch yourself looking at the world—or at yourself—with a narrow, negative view. Then step back mentally and spread out your awareness.

    See with the eyes of your heart. Look for something that’s working, something sweet, something lovely, something that opens you up.

    Look for the good in people, even people you wouldn’t want to sit over dinner with.

    Look for the good in the mirror.

    Let looking for the good become a new default for you, and give yourself credit when you’re able to hold whatever’s happening with that big perspective and big heart.

    Woman with rose-colored glasses image via Shutterstock

  • Buddha Doodles Review and Book Giveaway – Whimsical Drawings with Deep Truths

    Buddha Doodles Review and Book Giveaway – Whimsical Drawings with Deep Truths

    Buddha Doodles Imagine the PossibilitiesNote: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen.

    When I first found Molly Hahn’s Buddha Doodles a few years back, I knew I’d stumbled upon something special.

    Her whimsical illustrations never failed to put a smile on my face, and they often came with just the message I needed to read on a given day.

    I was even more enthralled when I learned about Molly’s background, and why she started Buddha Doodles.

    Having endured a traumatic childhood, she began her meditative sketch practice as part of her healing process. And I, along with hundreds of thousands of other fans, couldn’t be more grateful that she did.

    “Light in heart but deep in intent,” as she writes, her illustrations uplift, inspire, and empower us all to be wiser, happier, more mindful people.

    Buddha Doodles You can learn to surf

    With ninety-six color pages, Buddha Doodles: Imagine the Possibilities would make a wonderful gift book or addition to your own library.

    To enter to win one of four free copies, leave a comment below sharing something that inspires you—a quote, a personality trait, an act you recently witnessed, anything!

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, February 12th.

    Buddha Doodles Keep Letting Go

    Want to grab a copy now? You can order Buddha Doodles: Imagine the Possibilities on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • How to Turn Everyday Life into an Adventure

    How to Turn Everyday Life into an Adventure

    “Every day is an adventure.” ~Joseph B. Wirthlin

    Be honest.

    It gets to you, doesn’t it?

    You feel trapped in a life of monotonous everyday routine. One dull day merges into the next, each equally forgettable. The months slide past until you look up from your desk and suddenly another birthday’s here.

    So you avidly consume programs and articles on fearless adventurers and bold entrepreneurs who risked everything to pursue their dreams.

    And you follow them hoping someday to have your own stories to tell, your own daredevil memories to post and tweet. But instead, you end up doing nothing but beating yourself up at your seeming lack of adventurous spirit.

    But maybe it’s time you stopped beating yourself up so much. What if adventuring isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?

    What Nobody Tells You About Living an Adventurous Life

    At nineteen, I was also frustrated with the lack of adventure in my life. And then I met a crazy-haired free spirit who catapulted me out of my everyday, humdrum life and into a world of adventure.

    It was amazing.

    But just like all those Photoshopped, celebrity cardboard-cutout Facebook pages, another side existed that few people confess to.

    You see, in between exploring mountains, deserts, and rainforests, and sleeping under a million twinkling stars, were days of hunger, exhaustion, and illness.

    In between meeting strangers who became just like loving family members within hours, were days of arguing with officials, being turned away by border guards, and being stoned with rocks in remote valleys with no hope of outside help.

    In between the adventure of building and sailing our boat were years of living aboard with no shower or heating, even though the second winter hit sub-zero temperatures.

    And even though we have a world record that says we went further than any other fools had gone before, we never knew where our next bed or meal was coming from the whole time.

    Are we glad we did it all? Absolutely.

    Was it like the movies? Not a bit.

    And our forays into business have taught us that the life of an entrepreneur is no different. Every day is just as uncertain, every venture a high wire act without a safety net between possible riches and certain bankruptcy.

    After ten years of living such a lifestyle, the constant uncertainty and discomfort had lost its allure. I wanted a regular income and the luxury of a toilet roll on a daily basis.

    So I settled down into a “normal” life, but within two years, that started to feel humdrum and stale. The lack of stimulation felt suffocating.

    But then I started searching for adventure in everyday life.

    And I swiftly found that opportunities exist to explore and experiment everywhere. You just need to be open to them.

    Actually, can I share a secret with you?

    My life now is way more adventurous (and happier) than before we decided to settle. You see…

    Life isn’t about the extraordinary once in a while; life is about the everyday—and the everyday can be extraordinary. Here’s how.

    Explore Your World

    You can become an everyday explorer without leaving your home and loved ones behind. I believed adventures only awaited in exotic lands. Then my eyes were opened to the truth: Everywhere is somewhere.

    1. Take a different route to work.

    You’ve no idea what you’ll discover. Two years of commuting busy roads was enough, and by taking a slower route, I discovered a beautiful house to rent on the doorstep of my workplace. I now get up earlier, but I can take a safer, quieter route to work.

    2. Discover an unexplored world.

    Take a sabbatical from your usual haunts on the weekend and try somewhere unknown. Forget guidebooks—just get out there and roam freely.

    3. Journey to a faraway land without leaving home.

    Pick a country you know little about, and have a theme night. (Invite friends.) Cook a traditional meal, and immerse yourself in an unknown culture—explore the history, art, and music, maybe even learn a little of the language.

    Find Buried Treasure

    Pull on your buccaneer boots, and realize this truth: If you search for the hidden treasures in your own life, you’ll discover wealth far greater than any rusty chest of tarnished gold.

     1. Uncover your forgotten skills.

    We all underestimate what skills we have and what we can do with them.

    For instance, have you ever arranged a yard sale or got the neighborhood together to raise money for a local project or to clean up the area? If so, you probably have forgotten skills in project management, delegation, budgeting, and cooperation. What other forgotten skills could you uncover and have an adventure with?

    2. Unearth your hidden talents.

    You’ve no idea what you’re capable of until you try. Say yes to things you might have previously said no to. Try your hand at a different sport, or join your local amateur dramatics group.

    I once helped finish a book for a friend who was woefully behind on the publisher’s deadline. Who knew that this previously undiscovered talent would lead me to write a book of my own and become a published author?

    3. Bring your buried blessings to the surface.

    Embark on a voyage of gratitude. Discover that your “dull” life is actually filled with bright blessings; you just need to recognize them to transform your everyday.

    Unleash Your Inner Entrepreneur

    You can become an everyday entrepreneur without having to leave your job. It’s just a question of looking for opportunities.

    1. Run yourself as your own company.

    Even if you’re employed, you can seize opportunities to thrive and grow. Decide where you want to be in five years career-wise, make a plan, and work toward it. Don’t leave it to others to choose your destiny.

    2. Learn to stand up for yourself and speak out.

    Say no to dead-end requests to be free to say yes to real chances of advancement. Rather than oppose change in your company, be the first to embrace it, and see where it can take you.

    3. Put yourself forward.

    Take the initiative and find ways to be more valuable. After I’d consistently volunteered to take on more responsibility, my boss generously paid for my professional studies, supporting my career advancement. All this presented a number of new challenges and adventures.

    Challenge Your Beliefs

    “Adventure is not outside man; it is within.” ~George Elliot

    You can become an everyday pioneer by stepping outside your comfort zone but staying totally inside your safety zone.

    1. Be an everyday seeker of knowledge.

    Challenge your belief that learning stops after high school or college. The adventure of learning never stops. Turn your boring evenings or weekends into an exciting quest for knowledge. You can learn anything from accounting to zoology, often for free, with online universities such as the Khan Academy.

    2. Freshen up your perspective.

    Have a break from everything you normally read, watch, or listen to. Pick different genres, explore, and experiment. Turn an everyday couch-side veg-out into a fascinating, inspiring journey into new worlds.

    3. Question all your limiting self-beliefs.

    Limiting self-beliefs stop one from taking a risk and trying new things. Overcoming these mental barriers is an adventure in itself that can transform your life.

    For years I believed I wasn’t creative, but I finally took the plunge and started drawing and painting. Now my previously dull evenings are filled with creative fun.

    Take a Chance on Love

    You can have your own Romancing The Stone adventure without risking life and limb.

    1. Take the blinkers off.

    Searching for love? Abandon preconceptions about your “perfect partner” and where you might find each other. Approach someone even if they don’t seem like your type. Leave your online dating profile open-ended.

    2. Never stop exploring.

    Settled in a relationship? Shake up the romance with a challenge to see how close you can become. Mark and I regularly play a fun game of writing out what we’d like life to be like, which led us, after fifteen years living together, to get married and embark on a new adventure.

    3. Have an affair—with yourself.

    Go on a personal voyage of discovery to fall in love with yourself. Perform an act of self-love each day. Journal all the positive things you did and said, and all the people you helped. Begin to see what a wonderful human being you are.

    Discover That the Greatest Adventure Is Helping Others

    Adventurers throughout history have sought personal fame or fortune. But, there is greater gain in helping others and greater reserves to be found in your heart than in any bank.

    1. Make the first move.

    Befriend a stranger at work or in your neighborhood. Be the first to break the ice and introduce yourself. Offer them a sincere compliment, and make their day. A stranger is just a friend-in-waiting.

    2. Try your hand at fund-raising.

    Explore inspiring ways to assist a charity you believe in to raise vital funds. Organize a car wash, or put on a local talent show.

    3. Immerse yourself in someone else’s world.

    Challenge your own preconceptions by volunteering. I foster hearing dogs, and our darling house guests have given me a much greater insight into the challenges the hearing impaired face.

    Turn the Ordinary into the Extraordinary

    You are too extraordinary to live ordinarily. You truly are an adventurous spirit.

    That’s exactly why you must live your own life of everyday adventures.

    You just have to unleash your curiosity.

    You can stay in your home, your job, your life. Your adventurous spirit can thrive right where you are now.

    Pick an idea from the list that lights your adventure torch. Start with one, and build in some others when you’re ready.

    Get out there and experiment, explore, and experience.

    Go make the everyday extraordinary.

  • Live Without Regrets: Lessons from a Near-Death Experience

    Live Without Regrets: Lessons from a Near-Death Experience

    Live Laugh Love

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt

    My former life as a diamond dealer was not as glamorous as one would think. I wound up spending many months traversing barren lands and boarding rickety aircrafts. If you can imagine the life of Indiana Jones, it wasn’t all that different with the exception that no one was chasing me.

    My travels customarily took me to the many diamond deposits laden throughout Africa. The majority of the “puddle jumper” planes I routinely flew on should’ve been retired decades ago, but miraculously, the ingenuity of the Africans kept them in working order.

    One morning I woke up with a sense of uneasiness, as a voice inside my head was saying, “Don’t take this flight.”

    Despite the intense feeling of anxiety, I began mentally preparing for the long day ahead.

    Boarding the plane, the anxiousness only increased as thoughts of my parents and six-year old daughter inundated my mind. I chose to ignore the sickening feeling in my gut, telling myself to pull it together for the forty-five-minute flight.

    The plane took off, ascending above the endless landscape of the African jungle. The familiar hum of the propellers, the oppressive heat, and the vibration of the aircraft quickly relaxed me and I drifted off to sleep.

    Minutes later, my mind realized that the buzz of the flight had ended and there was nothing but complete silence. The creaking and clanking of the plane in the breeze was the only sound.

    I quickly looked over at the pilot with a glance that said: “IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS???” His eyes were filled with terror. “BRACE FOR IMPACT!” he yelled.

    We began falling…

    Nobody wants to die, and I am no exception. However, there was an eerie calm that came over me.

    The journey toward death was a reflection.

    I found myself regretting the chances I didn’t take and the people who I loved deeply but hadn’t shown or expressed my love to.

    I regretted the time I wasted on people whom I didn’t need and situations I should have walked away from.

    I found myself regretting the issues that arose on account of my selfish ego.

    But above all, I regretted leaving my six-year-old daughter. I anguished over the idea of never seeing her bright eyes and shiny smile again, nor being with her at the happiest and hardest moments of her life.

    These split-second reflections were quickly replaced by a jolt of consciousness that returned me to the moment of impact. A terrible screeching sound, a jerk and then… nothing… darkness…

    I felt a blinding light shining through my eyelids and the sounds started breaking the stillness. Am I alive?? It was a miracle—the carpet of jungle had saved us all during the crash by acting like a trampoline and absorbing the impact.

    During the next eight hours as we trudged through the jungle, I had time to contemplate where I was in my life.

    I learned that life could change within seconds.

    It doesn’t matter how much time we spend plotting and planning; when change comes, we will have to respond according to our instincts. I’ve learned the importance of embracing flexibility. I still make plans, but I no longer panic when those plans don’t pan out.

    I learned that time is of the essence.

    Normally we take our time when approaching a task, rushing in the final moments to accomplish it and fearful we might fail in the face of a looming deadline. Understanding urgency has changed my life. I no longer postpose anything that is important to me.

    I learned to better express my love.

    I use the words I love you with greater frequency and take every opportunity to express my appreciation for those who are in my life, especially my mom and my daughters.

    I learned to cherish my relationships.

    I promised myself I would value my friends and I’d be there for them whenever they needed me. No more excuses, and no more waiting for them to reach out to me. I regularly host dinners where those dearest to me can enjoy a warm conversation and a hearty meal.

    I learned that money is not the goal.

    I no longer earn as much as I did. Instead, I pursue every opportunity to create meaningful experiences in life.

    I learned the folly of my ego.

    I made a decision to eliminate negative energy from my life. I don’t fight and I don’t argue on matters of non-importance, especially with the people whom I love deeply.

    Haruki Murakami tells us, “People die all the time. Life is a lot more fragile than we think. So you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets. Fairly, and if possible, sincerely. It’s too easy not to make the effort, and then weep and wring your hands…”

    Ask yourself if you’re living your life in the most meaningful way. What would you regret not doing? What would you do more of? Who would you want to spend time with? You will never get more time in your life, so start to make changes now.

    Live Laugh Love image via Shutterstock

  • The Secret Laid-Back, Always-Happy Guy Knows That You Don’t

    The Secret Laid-Back, Always-Happy Guy Knows That You Don’t

    Happy Guy

    “Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln

    Have you ever wondered, “How is that guy always so laid back and freaking happy all the time, no matter what is going on around him?”

    It might be a co-worker, a friend, or a family member, but almost everyone has somebody whose baseline level of happiness is just higher than almost everyone else.

    I certainly do. Although I have known a few people that fall into this category, the one that stands out most is a friend I met my freshman year in college in my dorm. I’ll call him Andy.

    Andy smiled all the time. A huge smile. Raining outside, smiling. Test didn’t go that well, smiling. From the moment I met him, he gave a big handshake with an equally big and goofy smile. When I picture Andy, I always picture him smiling.

    It was certainly annoying at times. When I wanted to brood over a test gone bad or a girl I couldn’t get to notice me, smiling Andy made it nearly impossible. But I mostly just wanted to know why he was always so happy so I could be annoyingly cheery too.

    Is Andy and the rest of his ilk just delusional?

    No, (at least not exactly), they actually know something you don’t, and I’m going to let you in on it. But first, let’s talk about you.

    How are things? Things are . . . fine.

    If you are like the vast majority of us, your baseline is that things are generally “fine.” You probably could have slept a little longer, but waking up wasn’t terrible. You could eat better, but you do okay. You don’t particularly love your job, but it could be worse.

    All that is normal. Right?

    Probably, but that doesn’t really mean it’s good. In fact, considering the general happiness level of the average person isn’t particularly high, normal is probably not what you are looking for.

    The problem is that while “fine” and “normal” aren’t exactly the “big hairy goals” that everyone likes to talk about, they don’t hurt either.

    “Fine” and “normal” are comfortable. Your basic needs are met and, at this point, it happens with almost no intentional engagement from you:

    You wake up, get ready, go to work, do some stuff, waste some time, do some more stuff, go home, watch TV, go to bed, repeat.

    You might have some exercise thrown in here and there. You hang out with your friends, your significant other, or your kids. But most days look pretty similar to this.

    Which is fine.

    Except when your time on this planet is over, you don’t want “fine” to be the best description of your life.

    You want something more.

    Okay, so how to do you get it?

    What does that guy know that you don’t? Let’s look closer at the happy guy. What’s his take on life?

    Fine isn’t it. He thinks life is great, awesome, brilliant, and extraordinary. And he’s right.

    And that’s the secret.

    Yes, I realize this seems way too simple. But that’s really it.

    His story is different than most of ours.

    I don’t mean he lies to himself about what happens day to day. And I don’t mean bad stuff doesn’t happen to him that makes him sad, angry, or annoyed. I mean he gives each moment a different meaning than rest of us.

    When he wakes up, he views the day as an opportunity. An opportunity to grow, to create greater connections, to have experiences, to be excellent, and to serve others.

    Today is not a rinse and repeat of yesterday or of tomorrow. It is its own thing. And whatever it brings will be particular to it, and that is awesome.

    So happy guy attacks the day with an inquisitive mind, curious to see what it will bring and what he can get from it.

    That mindset bleeds into the rest of his day. And it has two big effects on how he lives it:

    He has perspective—little things don’t bother him, they are just things to observe and move on from. So, the coffee spill, the one-day-delay on the report, or the guy that honked at him at the light, none of it bothers him. He recognizes what matters and what doesn’t.

    He rarely, if ever, sees the events of the day as a sign that things are going to end badly. He almost always believes that, while the path may not be clear and may have twists and turns, everything will work out.

    It isn’t because he is just blindly optimistic, it’s because he views everything as an opportunity to grow, learn, and move forward.

    And when everything that happens gets you a step closer to where you want to go, you can’t help but believe you are moving toward your desired outcome; it’s the only logical conclusion.

    How you can become that happy person that confuses everyone?

    1. Daily smile scavenger hunt (may sound corny, but it works).

    Every day, find five things that make you smile, and do it as soon as you can. Write down what time you hit number five. Try to break your personal best every day. Look at each day as an opportunity to win this game with yourself.

    Why does this matter: You will increase your ability to recognize the little things that make you happy, the things that we mostly overlook in the rush to get to this place or to do that thing.

    And, after a while, it won’t stop at five. You will keep doing it all day long habitually.

    And this will get you in a mindset that better prepares you to deal with the guy that honks at you or the person that drinks the last of the coffee without making a new pot. It will give you perspective.

    For example, here are my five things from today:

    • A text message I woke up to from a friend asking about a new restaurant to take his wife to for her birthday (I enjoyed helping him out)
    • Finding the pair of socks I took out last night (my feet were cold this morning)
    • Using my new coffee grinder to make coffee this morning
    • Chatting with a friend before starting my workout
    • Seeing my wife and son pull into the parking lot of the restaurant we met at for breakfast. 8:58am. Boom.

    2. Cheat and rig the game of life to win early.

    Like I mentioned before, a huge piece of why some people that have a happier baseline is that they view the world optimistically.

    To start gaining that mindset, and have it carry through your day, it’s critical to get early wins and, almost more importantly, avoid early failures.

    Yes, I said avoid failures. Does this mean run scared from all challenges before noon? Absolutely not.

    What I mean is, don’t set yourself up to fail from the start of the day.

    So if you know you are terrible at getting up early, don’t tell yourself that getting up early is the only way you can make the change you want to make.

    If you struggle to get up at 7:00am or 8:00am, getting up when it’s dark at 5:00am to do something that you likely view as hard probably isn’t going to work. You’re setting yourself up to fail, and what’s worse, you’re doing it to start your day.

    If you do that, you will probably drag yourself up at 7:30 or whatever time, and you will have already missed two goals for your day, getting up at 5:00am and whatever the thing you wanted to do when you got up was.

    So you view the day as a failure before you even start it. Now when challenges happen throughout your day, you are far more likely to view them as difficult, overwhelming, and generally pessimistically because your mindset is that the day is a failure.

    So don’t do that.

    Instead, set yourself up to win in the morning. Set your goal as something that doesn’t take a mountain of will power right from the start.

    And then, rig the game.

    Whatever you are trying to change, do your work the night before so that in the morning, you are destined to win.

    For example, let’s say you want to eat breakfast at home instead of picking up some unhealthy food on the way in to work or eating a muffin or donut once you get there. Prepare the breakfast the night before, so that all you have to do is eat it, or at a minimum warm it up.

    For example, for me, a healthy breakfast is coffee, eggs, and a side of avocado.

    So, to set myself up for success, the night before I can get the coffee maker ready to go, crack a couple eggs, scramble them, cover them up, and then pop them in the fridge.

    In the morning, all I have to do is turn on the coffee maker, toss some butter in a pan and pour the eggs in, and, in the two or three minutes it takes the eggs to cook, get some avocado. Five minutes total, and I have a healthy breakfast. Easy peasy.

    But if I started from scratch, the whole process would take longer, which in my mind would mean I have to wake up earlier or leave the house later to do it. Neither of which sound like great options, so I would likely just skip it. Thus, starting the day with a failure.

    Why does this matter?

    Getting that win early frames your day. It makes your story about winning and gives you momentum. You will begin to view things less as a hindrance, and more as opportunities to keep winning, to grow, to move toward your goals.

    And combining winning each moment with a more attuned sense of the little things that make you smile will make you much less likely to spend so much energy getting riled up about little things that used to annoy you and much more likely to have an optimistic view about how things will turn out.

    And soon you will be that happy person that confuses everyone.

    And “fine” will no longer be sufficient to describe your life.

    Get started now!

    Think back on today, what are the first five things that made you smile and what time, approximately, did the fifth one happen? Put your time in the comments. Can you beat my 8:58am?

    Happy guy image via Shutterstock

  • How to Draw Your Own Happiness Map & Follow It to Bliss

    How to Draw Your Own Happiness Map & Follow It to Bliss

    Little Girls with Map

    “Happiness is a direction, not a place.” ~Sydney J. Harris

    Cars played a big part in my life growing up in Southern California. As a kid, there was a succession of crappy old station wagons that routinely broke down on the highway because we couldn’t afford anything better.

    I remember Dad standing helplessly outside in traffic as drivers slowed down to gawk at us, then sped up as they drove on into their lives.

    And the rusted green ’42 Chevy pickup truck my grandfather taught me to drive years before it was legal to do so, gears grinding when I missed the shift. My legs weren’t quite long enough to get the pedal all the way to the floor.

    “Lookin’ for the Heart of Saturday Night”

    In high school, I was enamored with the low-riders cruising up and down the boulevards, “lookin’ for the heart of Saturday night,” as Tom Waits so poignantly wrote in his song.

    You know, lots of hairspray holding up very big hair? Black eyeliner with perfectly executed tails? Carefully cultivated coolness? Like that.

    Then there was the older boy, already out of high school and working … a grown-up. He drove a ’67 Chevy Impala SuperSport, with baby blue metallic paint that matched my eyes. I ended up marrying him.

    Before long, though, I realized I needed my own car, my own life. To have those things, I needed to understand what made me happy.

    Believe me, when I was growing up, we did not sit around the kitchen table talking about being happy or fulfilled as we ate tuna casserole mixed with Campbell’s mushroom soup, salty Lay’s potato chips crumbled on top.

    Top-Notch People-Pleaser

    Martin Seligman, Ph.D., says that, “Authentic happiness comes from identifying and cultivating your most fundamental strengths and using them every day in work, love, play, and parenting.”

    My problem? Way too many of my “strengths” were filtered through lenses that didn’t belong to me. Rather, those strengths had been projected onto me by my parents, teachers, and a culture that molds people-pleasing little girls into supportive, one-step-behind young women.

    Things like top-notch people-pleaser, knows how to keep quiet, does her work on time, never complains weren’t going to get me where I wanted to go.

    I needed to learn how to draw my own happiness map, and follow it. Here’s what I learned.

    How to Draw Your Happiness Map

    1. You’ve got to know something about who you are, and what lights you up.

    Get some objective feedback on your strengths, talents, and gifts, using free tools such as the University of Pennsylvania’s happiness questionnaire and Strengths Finder.

    2. Use mindfulness to remember who you are, and what lights you up.

    I love writing, sharing my experiences, helping others; it’s part of my happiness map.

    You may love something entirely different. Great! It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you’re reaching for your stars.

    There’s a lot of magic and plenty of miracles every day, if we only remember to look for them.

    Developing a simple mindful practice helps set the compass point of your personal happiness map in the direction of what matters to you, what you’re willing to work for, who and what you want to love, and why.

    Tara Brach has an incredible mindfulness meditation website—lots of free guided meditations and talks.

    3. Try expressive writing to explore what you don’t want/doesn’t feel good.

    Find a local writing group that focuses on personal narrative/healing; try Julia Cameron’s famous Morning Pages; do some personal writing work with me.

    Sometimes it’s easiest to begin a trip knowing where you don’t want to go. What doesn’t feel good. What (or who) feels like sandpaper against your skin?

    The guy with that ’67 Chevy Impala SuperSport? It didn’t work out.

    Back then, with no self-awareness or insight, all I knew how to do was blindly grab for what everyone else said I should want. That usually doesn’t work out very well.

    4. Use your brain.

    All the fantastic neuroscience findings show us how to consciously use our brains to turn thoughts, attention, and choices toward the direction of happiness.

    I am not those early messages of shame directed at a poor family with too many kids in beat-up cars.

    You are not your thoughts or your emotions. Focusing on what lights you up keeps re-setting your brain for the positive instead of hanging out in its default negativity bias.

    Watch this short Youtube video with my favorite neuropsychologist, Dr. Rick Hanson, as he talks about how to re-wire for positive experiences.

    5. Let yourself love what you love, as poet Mary Oliver invites us to do.

    That’s the direction of your happiness: not your mother’s, not your friends, not what your ego is telling yourself you’re supposed to be doing.

    This is how I end up hosting a popular weekly public radio show. I mean, who knew?! Not me … not ‘till I learned to let myself love what I love.

    A terrifically fun way to do this is to take five minutes before you get of bed, every morning, and watch the movie in your mind called “My Perfect Life.”

    In your imagination, see what your room looks like. What’s the view from the window? Who’s next to you in bed? When you get up, what does your home look like? Where is it? How does it smell? What sounds do you hear?

    What are you doing that day? What are you doing next month? In six months? How do you feel?

    6. Give yourself permission to be human, to be messy.

    Honestly, this one can be pretty hard. Those of us who are perfectionists, or like me, who’ve experienced trauma that caused us to do whatever it took to feel safe in the world, well, we need to re-learn a lot of stuff.

    It’s okay that life is messy. It’s okay that we take wrong turns all the time, even get lost once in a while.

    It’s okay that we’re still learning how to do it better, or make a different choice. As a beloved friend said recently, “Don’t let perfection get in the way of what’s good.”

    7. Remind yourself often that happiness is a direction.

    You’re the one drawing the map. You’re in the driver’s seat.

    I mean, how wonderful is it to be driving down the road, windows down, music turned up, feeling into the peace and freedom of simply being alive?

    We all know it isn’t always easy. That sometimes, it’s a lot of work. Is it worth it, though? Oh my goodness, yes!

    Yes, it’s important to get where you need to get, to accomplish goals and attain competency. It’s equally important, as well, to enjoy the journey. To be grateful for this amazing ride called life.

    And if you change your mind, and decide to take the interstate instead of the dusty dirt road, that’s cool. Why? Because it’s your life, and you’re in charge.

    Taking responsibility for your choices is just about the coolest thing ever. (Almost as cool as my hair looked back in the day, cruising with Eddie.)

    8. Once you’ve drawn your happiness map, you now get to start traveling.

    Using your newfound self-insights, a five-minute daily practice of envisioning your most perfect life ever, and a map (maybe even an actual one), you begin making different choices.

    Do you say no to a couple of commitments and/or people? Choose to take the very first thirty minutes of your day to write instead of check emails? Give yourself an hour of no-tube-time after work, and do one thing that feels good, just because it does, like yoga or taking a community college class?

    It’s all Good

    I’ve had my own car for many years now. I’m living my life on my terms, always heading in the direction of happiness. Yes, I’ve had a few flat tires, and took a couple of back roads that went nowhere. Ended up at the edge of a cliff more than once. That’s okay.

    Flat tires can be changed. Back roads are lovely. Put the car in reverse, and back up, away from the cliff edges.

    Pay attention. Be gentle. From that place, you can begin making better choices. As my son says, “It’s all good.”

    If you’re draining your energy and power, giving it away to people/ideas/choices that do not nurture you, just notice that. And start making different choices.

    Because, if you’re moving in the direction of happiness, you will absolutely, totally, no doubt about it start feeling more fulfilled, more peaceful, and happier.

    Little girls with map image via Shutterstock

  • Finding Happiness: 11 Simple Ways to Get Your Smile Back

    Finding Happiness: 11 Simple Ways to Get Your Smile Back

    “Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” ~The Dalai Lama

    A while back my sister arrived for a family get-together and remarked, “Your mad laughter is missing. What’s happening?”

    My mind trailed back to my childhood and teenage years and showed me images of a girl who could laugh easily, loudly, and madly.

    Somewhere along the line I had lost my ability to laugh—truly laugh, with wonder and without worry.

    At first I brushed it off because I didn’t even notice myself changing. The change was gradual, imperceptible.

    I had come to take life too seriously.

    As a child and teenager, I had disappointments. But as I think back, the hope for my future greatly outweighed my setbacks.

    Of course, my future didn’t play out exactly as I’d imagined it would, and I encountered a series of disappointments.

    My financial situation was far from great. My relationships went through turmoil and turbulence. I let them become set in stone and define my life.

    I blamed myself for not being wise enough to make good decisions. I blamed myself for not being smart enough to catch my wrong decisions. I felt miserable. And then I blamed myself for feeling miserable, because strong people don’t waste time feeling miserable, do they?

    I became angry and, even worse, I felt entitled to my anger. I felt horribly wronged. I directed my anger at people. I became less capable of experiencing joy, and therefore, giving it too.

    Reading Tiny Buddha’s 365 Love Challenges emphasized for me how self-love is the beginning of the expression of love toward everyone else in our world. Still, it’s not always easy to be good to ourselves.

    The inner critic is the most active when we need that voice to be appreciative and loving. Instead of spending more time understanding ourselves, we indulge in self-bashing, self-abuse, and harsh judgments about ourselves.

    It takes some serious mindfulness and awareness to turn that around.

    So, after a few more observations from people who thought I mattered enough to give me feedback about my attitude, I decided to observe my thoughts and myself.

    I began to think of what made me feel better, and what helped me keep the feeling longer, so I could get my smile back.

    After months of watching myself, I saw that a few things helped me consistently.

    1. Being aware of physical and emotional triggers.

    I started paying attention to my body. My health had a big effect on my mood, and vice versa. I starting eating what would calm my stomach and keep my body at ease.

    Things like procrastinating made me feel bad about myself, so I kept up my schedule with greater caution. I also learned to avoid over-scheduling myself so I didn’t have things piling up, making me feel inefficient and inadequate.

    Your body is constantly giving you signals even when you are trying hard to ignore it, so start paying attention.

    2. Being aware of reactions.

    I started focusing on the results rather than on the source of the problem. If things did not go as planned, I consciously avoided looking to fix the blame and looked at fixing the problem. I felt less overwhelmed and more in power. It also made me more approachable.

    Develop the mindset to look for solutions, and avoid “if-only” thinking, since this only keeps you stuck.

    3. Dressing up.

    No matter how I felt, I always felt better when I got up and freshened up. Wearing well-fitted clothes, clothes that I liked, made me look better and, therefore, feel better about myself almost instantly.

    There is a whole lot of science about dressing the part, so pick colors that will soothe and accentuate you own personality.

    4. Following a ritual.

    The simple act of following a ritual—any ritual—gave me a sense of stability and grounding.

    Following a ritual that aligned with my beliefs and values made me calmer and more in control over other areas in my life.

    I chose the ritual of mantra chanting before having my first meal in the morning, and that uplifted me immensely, giving me the assurance that I could change other areas of my life too.

    5. Smiling more.

    We smile when we’re happy, right? Wrong! Studies have shown that our external expressions act as a continual feedback loop reinforcing our internal emotions. So, smiling more even when we are unhappy gradually makes us feel happier.

    True to this, smiling at strangers while standing in a queue or during a walk made me look beyond my world. To put it simply, it made me feel good, and I kept at it. Not to mention that smiling through a bad situation automatically seemed to defuse it.

    Take time to do things that give you more scope for “happy-time,” like seeking the company of children, listening to music, dancing, cooking, reading, cleaning—anything that makes you feel like yourself.

    6. Talking to somebody who loves you.

    One afternoon, when I was recovering from an intense anger bout, my father called. I did everything I could to hide my anger from him. But during the conversation, he referred to an incident in my childhood and said, “You are always so childlike.”

    It threw me off. Here I was, bashing myself for being angry and hurt, and feeling even more angry and hurt for not being able to control it, but a simple conversation with my father reminded me that I wasn’t always this way. The fact that he remembered it so fondly made me like myself. It made me want to let go and try again.

    Make time for your old friends, your parents, your friends’ parents, and siblings—anybody who has been a part of your past who sees the best in you.

    7. Being kinder.

    Formerly, I had the tendency to show indifference to people with whom I was angry (and not necessarily engage in a war of words or palpable anger). However, it still made me miserable, irrespective of whether they noticed it or not. When I consciously resisted the urge to be indifferent to them, I felt more in control.

    A kind exchange has the power to set the tone for your day. Kindness is not restricted to a physical exchange; even a gentle conversation over the phone or a kind email made me significantly happier.

    There are hundreds of studies to show that kindness can impact your brain in a powerful way and increase your feeling of connectedness.

    8. Making that decision.

    After accidentally discovering my passion for writing about three years ago, I continued to put up with a stressful job and kept putting off my plans to start doing something that filled my soul.

    Making the decision to quit and re-focus wasn’t easy. But making up my mind and letting go felt like I was clearing stale clutter and starting afresh in my mind. I felt invigorated, though it was hard work.

    If you are on the brink of a major decision, making it one way or the other will be a great emotional leveler.

    9. Starting somewhere.

    I kept putting off my plans because it was not yet there—in my mind. In short, I was afraid of showing my imperfect side to the world. In reality, I was only judging myself.

    Waiting for the perfect time to start/launch something is a mistake we all make. Even nature took billions of years to be where it is today. And it will continue to evolve for billions of years from now. Then, why do we have to be perfect today?

    10. Breaking the negative thought pattern.

    Every time I felt angry with somebody, it was because I associated something negative with him or her.

    I started consciously associating positive things with them, like remembering the skill they are really good at or the one time they helped me or somebody else, and the negativity seemed to melt away. Of course, it kept coming back, but the more I countered it with positive thoughts, the less power it seemed to have.

    So, the next time you are really annoyed with somebody, try remembering a nice thing about him or her. It makes a world of difference.

    11. Remembering that everyone is only human, and that includes yourself.

    Forgiveness contributes greatly to our well-being, fulfillment, and happiness. There is really nobody in the world who hasn’t been hurt or let down by somebody they trusted, or at least wishes they had been treated differently.

    Everyone—that includes yourself and the people that hurt you—is only standing at one single point in the huge learning curve of life, and our actions spring from what we are exposed to from that particular vantage point. Understanding this was a huge milestone for me in learning forgiveness.

    To seriously learn forgiveness as a life skill, spend more time with kids. They are the only people who unerringly practice the art.

    —

    To sum it up, for renewed happiness: Invest in yourself, take time to understand yourself, be gentle to yourself, do the things you love and, most importantly, give yourself time to heal, no matter how much it hurts!

  • 9 Basic Needs We Have to Meet to Feel Happy and Alive

    9 Basic Needs We Have to Meet to Feel Happy and Alive

    “No person, no place, and no thing has any power over us, for ‘we’ are the only thinkers in our mind. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives.” ~Louise L. Hay

    Seven years ago I felt a tangible sense of despondency about where my life was heading.

    Having ended a six-year relationship, I found myself alone, feeling isolated, often with only a bottle of wine (or two) for company on a weekend. For the first time ever I wondered if I had depression.

    After weeks of feeling helpless and sitting on my sofa crying, I decided enough was enough and started taking action to turn my life around.

    In doing so I discovered the “Human Givens Basic Needs.” Suddenly, everything made sense to me.

    I realized I didn’t have depression; I just hadn’t been meeting my basic needs in a healthy and balanced way.

    Working through the basic needs, I scored myself a number between one and ten for each, with ten being fully met.

    After taking action and pursuing a new diploma, I reflected on how much better I was meeting my basic needs for control, creativity, and stimulation, and how much happier and alive I felt as a result.

    I also recognized that I was meeting my need for status in a new way, as people were amazed when I told them what I was studying.

    Seven years on, I have never forgotten the basic needs. Every six months I take a few hours to do a stock check of my life to see how well I am meeting each of the needs, and where I need to take action or do something different.

    At the moment I am training for my third marathon, which is meeting so many of my basic needs in one hit!

    People tell me how awesome it is that I am running a marathon (attention and status), I look after my body better (mind/body connection), I have a goal (purpose), and I’m doing something positive with my time (creativity, stimulation, and sense of control).

    As we head into the New Year, I’d invite you to take an evening, curl up warm, put on some music you enjoy, and take a stock check of your life.

    Look at each of the different needs and mark out of ten (ten being fully met) how well you are meeting each one, and how.

    Where you are not meeting a need fully, don’t worry. Instead, think about what actions you can take to improve this area, and write down some steps to achieving that.

    Rather than trying to improve every area of your life all at once, I suggest focusing first on meeting one need that would make a considerable difference in your life, and then moving on to another.

    Like me with my marathon, you may find that while meeting one need, you end up meeting others naturally as a result.

    Finally, put your stock check or action plan somewhere you can see it daily.

    Take a Stock Check of Your Basic Human Needs

     1. The need for attention

    We need quality attention from the people in our lives. More and more people in the world live alone. Unless your needs are being met elsewhere, a lack of attention can lead to low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness, and a lack of connection.

    Join a meet up group, do an evening course, join a fitness group—anything that gets you out there and talking to like-minded people.

    2. Mind-body connection

    The way we look after ourselves physically directly impacts our psychological well-being. Feed your body good food and you’ll feel good. (That doesn’t mean pizza and wine!) Get out in the fresh air and get moving to get your serotonin and endorphins levels pumping, making you feel more alive.

    3. Purpose and goals

    Having a purpose or goal adds meaning to your life. Sign up for a 5K charity run, take up a night class, or volunteer for a local charity. Use your time to do the things you enjoy.

    4. Connection to something greater than ourselves

    A sense of connection to like-minded people or others who share your perceptions and work for a common goal is important. I chose to run one of my marathons for a homeless charity, for example.

    It may be being part of a group raising awareness about a shared cause, or working for an organization that shares your values.

    5. Creativity and stimulation

    Boredom and a lack of achievement can leave you feeling unsatisfied and depressed. Spending time reading about a subject that interests you, learning a new skill or craft, or doing anything that stimulates the creative part of your brain will see you feeling happier and more stimulated.

    6. Sense of security and safety

    Without a sense of security and safety you can feel anxious. You don’t have to own your home to feel secure. Security can come from having a supportive partner and family or even changing your beliefs about what security and safety mean to you.

    7. Intimacy and connection

    It’s important to feel that at least one person really knows you for who you are. Intimacy and connection don’t require a romantic partner; it can just be a close relationship with someone, even your pet!

    8. Sense of control  

    Feeling that you have no control in a given situation or in life can lead to feelings of hopelessness. In some cases people will over-control to compensate for feeling helpless. Trying to control people and situations you have no influence over will only suck your energy. Control the one thing you can—you.

    9. The need for status

    Being recognized for your talents helps meet your need for status. Take action to do something you have always wanted to do, such as a jewelry-making course, signing up to a sporting group, taking up dressmaking, or volunteering your talents where they would be well received.

    —

    Small changes in your life can create a big ripple effect, and, like me, you may be surprised by how much happier, healthier, and alive you will feel as a result.

  • Limited Edition “Just Breathe” Shirt Supporting Project Happiness (Last Day!)

    Limited Edition “Just Breathe” Shirt Supporting Project Happiness (Last Day!)

    Lori Deschene Just Breathe Shirt

    *Update: This campaign has ended. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for daily or weekly emails, and to learn about future shirt campaigns!”

    Happy almost New Year, friends!

    As you may remember, I originally launched a two-week shirt campaign, supporting the David Lynch Foundation, in November. Over 700 people ordered a shirt then, but many of you emailed asking me to relaunch the campaign, so I did! If you’d like to order a “Just Breathe” shirt, hoodie, or pullover, today is the last day to do so.

    This time, a portion of the proceeds will go to the non-profit Project Happiness.

    I first learned about Project Happiness in 2009, when I attended their Cirque de Happiness fundraiser event.

    Their main purpose is to provide students with tools and wisdom, based on positive psychology and neuroscientific research, to create authentic happiness. They work hands-on with kids of all ages, empowering them to feel good about themselves so they can handle life’s hurdles.

    Imagine if we all learned to manage our emotions, develop resilience, and nurture a positive mindset early in life. Imagine a world full of people who recognize and nurture their strengths and feel confident enough to share them with others.

    Project Happiness is helping create such a world, and it’s an honor to support their wonderful work.

    You can choose from six styles—including a fitted tee, racerback tank, and a hoodie—with sizes ranging from XS to 5XL (for some styles).

     

    Don’t see the button? Visit https://represent.com/tinybuddha to place your order.

  • 7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    Woman reading book

    “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent Van Gogh

    I attended an interesting event a few nights ago. It featured ten speakers who spoke for ten minutes each on ten things you should know before you die.

    The speakers included TV and film stars, CEOs, cover-shooting photojournalists, traveling journalists covering natural disasters, and HIV survivors. As you can imagine, there was a wide spectrum of perspectives shared.

    Here are a few of the lessons that stuck out for me. A lot of these can profoundly change your mindset, how you view the world, and how you choose to react to things. You just need to take a step back and put things into perspective, which leads us into our first one.

    1. Maintain perspective.

    A journalist told a story of how he traveled to Haiti after the devastating earthquake that hit them a few years back. In the capital of Port-au-Prince many of the homes had fallen apart, and people who already had nothing were now living in small plots of land in public squares in the city.

    The separations between each family’s plot were drawn in by hand, with tents and tarps set up overhead.
    In one particular plot was for a seven-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy.

    The speaker spoke a bit of Creole French and asked the people in neighboring tents which family these children were with. They replied, “That is the family.”

    The seven-year-old girl and one-year-old boy’s parents and older siblings had been killed. She was now responsible for this baby.

    This is where the notion of perspective comes in. The next time you’re upset at traffic, or someone is taking too long in the checkout line, or someone hasn’t texted you back quickly enough, take a step back and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is this really worth being upset about?

    The book Unbroken drove this point home for me. Reading what this man went through quickly made me realize, if I were privileged to be born into a first world country (Canada) in the current peaceful time, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. A reminder to myself the next time Netflix is slow to load something…

    2. Take care of your health.

    Health is the gateway to happiness. If you are not living with your fullest energy and vibrancy, how can you expect to get the most from life?

    This was the main message from a middle-aged woman and entrepreneur who broke the status quo and went her own way in life, much to the dismay of her parents. She dropped out of school and traveled the world, falling into a few rough crowds on the journey and eventually settling in Toronto.

    There, she visited a local fresh juice place that ended up changing her life. She fell in love with how the juices made her feel and the energy they gave her, and ended up opening her own juice place called “Juice for Life” (which her Jewish parents hilariously thought was called “Jews for Life” at first). She’s now the founder and CEO of Fresh Restaurants chain in Toronto.

    Anyone who knows me knows health is massively important to me as well. I always pose the question: Is it not a bit crazy to think that people will spend more money on their car, their fashion, and accessories than they would on their body?

    Ask anyone with a serious illness what would they rather have; they all would give up everything they own to get healthy and undo the damage that was done.

    3. Be true to yourself and your calling.

    If you are living and doing something that doesn’t align with you, how can you ever be truly happy and enlightened?

    This was the main message from the founder of Yuk Yuk’s comedy club, a popular spot in Toronto.

    You can imagine the reaction he got from his friends and family when he told them he wanted to enter the comedy business. This was his passion, however, and he knew from experience that if he was doing something different, he would rarely be at peace or be inspired.

    When you find something that aligns and resonates with you, you will know it from the energy it gives you.

    The Vincent Van Gogh quotes sums the message here up quite nicely: Would you rather die of passion or of boredom?

    4. Don’t be afraid to stand out.

    When you go your own way and make your own path, you alone write your legacy.

    This was the motto of a female photojournalist who spoke to us. She joined the world of journalism in the sixties and seventies, when it was completely dominated by men. She was different from what was considered the norm and despite ridicule, sexist remarks, and being seen as lower, she used it to her advantage.

    Being shorter than the male photographers, she was always in front of the pack, allowing her to capture some of the closest, most personal photos. She became one of the first females to have their photos published on the cover of multiple well know magazines, and went on to be the prime journalist covering Terry Fox’s run across Canada.

    It is your inherent right to challenge the status quo. Never be afraid to forge your own destiny due to the thoughts of others. People may laugh at you because you are different. You could pack up and quit here, or you could feel sorry for them because they are all the same.

    As well, never be afraid to challenge why things are the way they are. After all, this is the very question that has forged almost all innovation mankind has ever done.

    5. Don’t play the victim.

    As I mentioned earlier, one of the speakers was a girl born with HIV. She was abandoned by her parents and adopted by a supporting family with nine other adopted children.

    Her new family took her in with love and put her through school like a normal child. But when the other children’s parents found out she had HIV, it was no longer normal. They refused to invite her over to birthday parties and sleepovers and forbade their children from being friends with her.

    She could have closed up and felt angry at the world, but instead she took a position of power and action. Now in her late teens, she has spoken globally, on major TV networks and YouTube, to educate the world on HIV and how ridiculous it is to “ban” your kids from socializing with someone who has it.

    Many people constantly place blame on everything and everyone and make themselves a victim. Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I make more money? Why am I stuck at this job?

    The world doesn’t owe you anything; you were not born a victim. Yet when you look around how many people do you find complaining about their situation but not taking any action or effort to improve it?

    The world gives you so much to work with if you work with it and put in the effort.

    6. Re-direct your energy.

    An actress told her story of failed audition after failed audition while witnessing other people’s success. She knew she could have gotten caught in the negative energy of envy and blame—upset that others were getting roles, getting paid more, or traveling more.

    She didn’t go this way, though; she knew envy can be channeled into focus and motivation.

    The lesson in here is quite simple. Instead of wasting energy being angry, envious, or jealous of those with more success, redirect that energy and ask, “What can I learn from this person to improve my own life?”

    As a result of doing this, she re-auditioned for a part she hadn’t received and was so motivated she ended up blowing them away and getting the role on the spot.

    7. Give your attention.

    One of the speakers began his talk with a severe stutter. The energetic crowd grew quiet, not knowing how to react. He then switched to a more fluent voice and told the audience he suffered with this stutter for the first twenty years of his life.

    When he was a young teen, he worked at one of Vidal Sassoon’s salons, doing odd behind the scenes jobs where he didn’t need to speak, like sweeping and tidying up after customers. Most people didn’t give him the time of day or would mock his difficulty in speaking.

    One day it was announced that Vidal Sassoon himself, the CEO, was coming to visit their Salon. Vidal made a point to meet with everyone, from the highest manager to the ones attending to the cut hair on the floor.

    When he approached the young boy, he asked what his name was. The boy tried to respond but was too nervous, and his stutter was so severe that he just could not get his name out. Vidal smiled, crouched down in front of him, and said “It’s okay, son, I have all the time in the world.”

    The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Never allow yourself to get in the mindset that people are “below you,” because even the smallest conversation can make someone’s day. People will forget many things, but they will always remember how others made them feel.

    —

    Imagine a world where everyone learned the lessons above from a young age. It’s possible, but starts with each of us.

    Woman reading image via Shutterstock

  • How to Live a Fulfilling Life: 10 Powerful Lessons from Loss

    How to Live a Fulfilling Life: 10 Powerful Lessons from Loss

    Man in Rays of Sun

    “Make ‘Let go of control’ your mantra today.” ~Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges #177

    When the phone call came I was thousands of miles from home. My father was suddenly ill, admitted to the hospital. I was a medical doctor by then, and I felt a foreboding.

    My mind went back to my childhood.

    Imagine being a little child in a dark room. Every small noise evokes images of vicious monsters lurking in the night. They draw nearer.

    You cry out, “Daddy!” And cry out once more. Then your hero comes to the rescue.

    Your father shuffles in half-asleep, picks you up, and pats you to sleep. All terrors dispelled, you feel invincible in your father’s arms. That’s one of my earliest memories.

    That feeling of utter safety and joy in my father’s arms was deeply imprinted in me. I said to my wife, “I don’t want to lose him!” He wasn’t very old, my mother had just retired, and they intended to travel the world together.

    Only months earlier I had taken our daughter to visit him. His first grandchild had thrilled him beyond description. He gazed at her adoringly as she fell asleep, bought a parrot in a cage to amuse her, clowned around to keep her laughing, and generally behaved as if he was high on love.

    Now we had a brand new baby, a son. My father had not seen him. “As soon as Daddy’s well again, I’ll come back with our son,” I thought.

    I rushed from the airport to my father’s hospital bed. He seemed to have aged by decades in the few months since our last visit! A variety of tubes went into and out of him, his eyes were shut.

    “Daddy, it’s me,” I said. His arms, pinned down by tubes, tried to reach up for a hug. The tangle of tubes made a hug impossible.

    Over the next few days I watched with growing frustration as he sank. All my instincts as a son and a doctor were to save him by any means. I demanded to speak to his very able doctors, and urged them to try a novel, desperate procedure.

    It was too late; his internal organs started shutting down. As the sun set over the sea outside the window, I held his hand and chanted to him softly, “Sleep in peace, old warrior, my darling.” He died some hours later.

    The fact of his death didn’t sink in immediately. I was still smiling at his funeral, comforting and reassuring the mourners.

    The next morning I woke up in my old bedroom and went automatically toward the bathroom where Dad would usually be shaving. He wasn’t there. I couldn’t exchange the usual “Good morning.” That’s when it hit me.

    I broke down, blabbing like a baby. His brother, my uncle, hugged me close. It was the start of a slow grieving process, which opened my eyes to a few things about life.

    1. You can’t control some of the most important things, so stop pretending. Be less impatient and more carefree.

    As Nietzsche wrote, “Through the certain prospect of death a precious, fragrant drop of frivolity might be mixed with every life.” Or, as Belloc wrote, “There’s nothing worth the wear of winning but laughter and the love of friends.”

    Make some room each day to nourish celebration, no matter how dire your circumstances. You’re breathing; treat that as a gift. Inhabit each moment more fully instead of being constantly preoccupied with the past or future.

    2. Don’t postpone happiness.

    It’s okay to make plans for when you’re 100, but don’t forget to reach for fulfillment this year, this month, this week, and today. You aren’t just preparing for life; this day and this moment are all you might have.

    As the economist Keynes wrote, “In the long run we’re all dead.” Make sure you live before you die.

    3. Don’t be afraid to reach for your dreams, even if you might fail.

    No matter what you do or don’t, the eventual outcome of your life is certain: death. Death can be sudden and unexpected.

    If you can’t predict when you’ll die, there’s little point in fearing small failures. Just aim for the most fulfilling life you can imagine, and take one meaningful step after another in that direction. You’ll surprise yourself with how much you achieve, and how meaningful the journey is.

    Sometimes you’ll win and sometimes you’ll lose, but join the games that fit you. Only potentially catastrophic risks need put you off.

    When the dice roll against you, remember death. It will help you make molehills out of mountains. That’s how you’ll stand like a rock in the storms of life.

    4. Fill your minutes with fulfillment and the years will take care of themselves.

    Time slips away like the sand in an hourglass. The hourglass of your life, however, can collapse without warning.

    Live intentionally; choose what work, play, and celebration receive your precious time. Even if you have a boss, find ways to be the pilot of your own life. Don’t be afraid to move on from soul-destroying situations as you reach for more fulfillment.

    Don’t neglect to allocate your time intentionally on a weekly and even daily basis. Align work, chores, play, relaxation, and celebration with your most cherished values.

    5. Measure your success by criteria that go beyond money.

    There’s only so much you can eat and drink, and only so much bed-space you can occupy. Don’t let the pursuit of money blind you to the wider ingredients of a deeply fulfilling life.

    As Steve Jobs said, “Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful… that’s what matters to me.”

    6. Make the most of the sheer, primal joy of family.

    One of the best gifts I gave my father was the joy of holding his first grandchild. I have a picture of them together, from our short visit. It’s one of my most treasured possessions.

    It’s amazing: two individuals come together and make a baby, then that baby often goes on to make a baby of the next generation. When someone says you have your father’s eyes or your mother’s nose, they are usually seeing a physical part of your parents in you.

    If you’ve started a family, don’t treat it as an interruption in your “real” life. Recognize, respect, and nurture it as a deep and priceless part of your being.

    7. Don’t let grudges simmer.

    Death takes away the opportunity to clear the air and make things right with someone. Do it now.

    I was blessed with a beautiful relationship with my father, which easily bore the weight of our faults and shortcomings. However, his death prompted me to put things right with other loved ones.

    If you were to exchange circumstances and history with someone else, you might behave even worse than they do. Be more understanding toward the real or imagined faults of others. Even your parents are mere human beings deserving of your understanding and forgiveness.

    8. Build hoops of love that can reach beyond the grave.

    My father is with me everywhere now. I should have a hole in my heart where he was, but it’s partly filled by the wonderful love that flourished between us and which I still feel vividly.

    The grief of loss is still real, but the profound love which underlies the grief is like an everlasting balm.

    9. Don’t underestimate the power of touch.

    As I broke down the morning after the funeral, my uncle’s hug was more comforting and healing than any words could be.

    People with depression will tell you how powerfully comforting the gentle touch of a loved one can be. A hug can reach the parts that mere words can’t reach.

    10. Live as if nobody’s watching.

    When you’re dead, the expectations of others will be irrelevant to you. Don’t squander your life suppressing your own potential in order to chase the approval of others.

    Keep growing in your understanding of the gifts and treasures within you, which deserve and require nurturing. Keep growing toward your best self, and recognize that you are a unique gift to the world. Don’t blindly copy the lives of others, or you might die before you’ve had a chance to live your own life.

    Death often brings indescribable grief and pain to the bereaved. But it’s also a great teacher.

    Whenever you remember death, treat it as a pointer to a better life. Create a life in which each moment expresses your cherished values. Then death, however sudden and unexpected, won’t be able to snatch fulfillment away from you.

    Man in rays of sun image via Shutterstock

  • Giveaway: Let It Go Coloring Book for Stress Relief

    Giveaway: Let It Go Coloring Book for Stress Relief

    Let It Go

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    • Lyndsay G
    • Beth Casey
    • Marsha Lawrence
    • Claudia Menger
    • Teejayhanton

    You can get a copy of Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress on Amazon here.

    When I was a kid, I could color for hours. I could be a little Type-A about it; if I went outside the lines, I would often rip out the page and throw it away, and I may even have yelled, “I hate coloring!” while cursing my imperfection.

    But that was a lie—I loved it. So it was only a matter of time before I way lying on my stomach in the living room, humming the Gummy Bears cartoon theme song, and trying again for a crayon masterpiece.

    Years later, in my early twenties, I did the exact same thing in my living room while my boyfriend (at the time) played video games. I remember thinking we were both regressing, but I didn’t care.

    We’d each battled depression before, and were always on the lookout for something to numb the pain. I don’t think we consciously realized it at the time, but that’s exactly what we were doing right then, in a far healthier way than usual.

    There was something so calming about doing these mindless, childlike activities, free from the burden of our usual stresses. Bills were piling up, neither of us had a career path, but for that short time, our minds felt free.

    In my late twenties, having lost touch with my coloring habit for years, I went to a visit a friend who had a toddler at the time. Sure enough, I found her coloring with what she called “Mommy’s markers.”

    Unlike her son’s, these ones had fine point tips, ideal for coloring intricate pictures. I sat down, pulled out a page, and once again I was hooked.

    Still, I didn’t keep the habit for long. I remember thinking she had an excuse—she had a son. But it was a little embarrassing for me to color, alone, in my free time.

    That’s what I thought back then. Now, however, I’m not afraid to admit it: I love coloring. I love my fine point markers. I love my stack of coloring books.

    I love the time I take for myself to clear my head and focus on something fun and creative. I love that this enables me to relax, recharge, and not reflect, as I do all too often throughout my day.

    And I love that adult coloring is all the rage now, and there are so many awesome coloring books to choose from.

    I’m still a little Type-A about it—I admit I’ve ripped out a few pages after coloring outside of the lines. But I’ve also learned to turn “mistakes” into interesting details, challenging my sometimes-judgmental mind to turn the “bad” into “good.”

    Since I’m always on the lookout for new coloring books (a sentence I never thought I’d write as an adult), it was quite serendipitous when I received an email about Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress.

    Illustrated by Sherise Seven, the book includes forty one-sided, hand-drawn, perforated coloring pages and eleven activity pages that will “push your brain toward happiness and inspirational positive thoughts.”

    I love how this book is filled with unique, intricate images and uplifting messages. And I especially appreciate that it comes with a color protector page so I don’t ruin any of the awesome pictures from color bleeding through the page.

    Lori-Deschene-Let-It-Go-Coloring

    Yes, that’s my work above. (Look Mom, I stayed in the lines!)

    If you too are looking for a fun, creative, stress-relieving hobby, I highly recommend grabbing a coloring book—and fortunately, I have five copies of Let It Go to giveaway. 

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of five free copies:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • For an extra entry, share the giveaway on Facebook or Twitter, and include the link in your comment.

    You can enter until Friday, December 25th.

    Want to grab a copy now? You can get a copy of Let It Go, Coloring and Activities to Awaken Your Mind and Relieve Stress on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • What the Bathroom Scales Are Not Telling You

    What the Bathroom Scales Are Not Telling You

    Feet on Scale

    “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

    At a recent visit to the doctor’s office I had some routine checks done. Afterward, the doctor flipped through the findings and said, “Blood pressure, good. Pulse, good. Weight, okay.”

    He then continued talking about other things, but my mind was still on his previous words. “Weight, okay.”

    Why wasn’t my weight “good” like my pulse and blood pressure? 

    I had managed to completely skim over the fact that my vital signs were absolutely fine. I immediately fixated on the physical aspect—and added my own negative slant to it. 

    There is so much that is so deeply ingrained within us that even when we are self-assured, we still get caught off guard sometimes.

    A few weeks before the doctors appointment I’d gone shopping for a winter coat. I found one I liked, grabbed two sizes for comparison, and went through to the fitting room. One size was slightly too snug under the arms and the other gave me more freedom to move.

    But the better fitting coat had a label that read “large.” And I had a problem with it.

    I tried both coats on again, as though somehow expecting a different result. I told myself I was just making sure. Just being certain. Once again I determined that the larger size was a better fit. Except this time, I played it a little differently.

    Instead of just looking at my body shape and size in my reflection, I looked into my eyes. I reminded myself that I am a beautiful, empowered woman who does not permit herself to be restricted by limiting labels. Who does not measure her self-worth by numbers. 

    And off I went to the cash register smiling.

    Both experiences gave me a bit of a wobble, but I was also grateful for the opportunity to remind myself of what truly matters.

    It can be challenging at times to keep our confidence in tact, because even when we deflect the worst of what some of society (and almost all of the media) tries to throw at us, occasionally it finds a way through.

    Yes, I could be slimmer. I could say no to the glass of wine or the homemade fudge. I could. But—empowerment alert—I don’t want to.

    I choose my life. All of it. I choose the thoughts that I feed my mind and I choose the food that I feed my body. I strive to ensure that I’m in balance.

    There is a space between greed and deprivation and I (mostly) live there. Sometimes I wander. I’m okay with that. Because honestly, it’s better for me to visit both directions occasionally than to be hell-bent on staying firmly in the middle. 

    I follow a plant-based diet and I exercise every day. But I don’t want to be fixated on a so-called ideal (and unrealistic) image that doesn’t allow me to enjoy my life.

    Sometimes a little loss of control is good for the soul.

    Like many of us, I used to obsess about my weight. I would step onto the bathroom scales every single day and look to see if I could hit that magic number. Quite often I did. I also had a variety of hospital trips that unearthed low blood pressure, repeated urinary tract infections, and a brutal inner ear infection.

    And that’s why I went to the cash register with the large coat and a larger grin.

    The bathroom scales cannot tell me how much my contribution to this world counts. They cannot tell me the density of the passion I feel for what I do. They cannot tell me the value of my cherished relationships.

    What if we stopped measuring our waistlines and started measuring our magical moments? The ones where we laugh like lunatics with our friends. The ones where we look down and find our hand wrapped in someone else’s. The ones where we let ourselves get gorgeously lost in a book or a movie. The ones where we fill up on love and get dizzy drunk with happy. 

    Will you get to the end of your days thinking, “I’m so glad I spent all those years sucking in my stomach”?

    Or will you smile as remember how much you enjoyed creating precious memories?

    Will your final thoughts be that you wish your thighs had been slimmer or smoother?

    Or will you just be grateful that they carried you?

    Will you ponder on what everyone else thought of your life?

    Or will you just think “I’m glad I did it my own glorious way”?

    I may have the odd moment of self-doubt (aka being human) but there are many, many more moments where I remember that I’ve come a long way since being that younger, slimmer, unhappier, less confident girl.

    I’m now a woman with a wonderful weapon—an empowered mind. And believe me when I tell you, she doesn’t play small.

    Feet on scale image via Shutterstock