“Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” ~Confucius
There were times when I felt that my thoughts had complete control over my life. I could convince myself of anything, really. My thoughts would rarely lift me up and, instead, convince me I would fail.
I would fail at relationships. I would fail at my job. I told myself I was a failure.
I honestly believed that I was the only one who experienced this level of personal rejection. Of course, I knew that it wasn’t unique to me because I knew other people struggled with self-confidence.
Yet, the people in my life never talked about their lives in this way.
After years of feeling like this, I began to convince myself that I was indeed alone—nobody else could possibly have these crazy thoughts and feelings. As an introvert, even I wasn’t always comfortable talking about it.
I wanted to know why my stomach always hurt before I talked in front of people, why I always sweat when I was nervous, and why I pushed people away, even though I desperately wanted to feel connected.
As I discovered more about myself, I realized that I interpreted my emotions rather than actually experiencing them.
For instance, I continue to get nervous before I formally speak in front of people. I don’t know if this will ever go away. As an introvert, it’s just not something I’m 100% comfortable with. In the past, I would turn this fear into a story.
“I shouldn’t be nervous. I am better than this. I hate when I get this nervous because everyone will notice. I will look like a fool.” You tell yourself this often enough and you start to believe these stories. It becomes your identity.
Now, I accept that I am fearful before giving a speech. That’s okay. It’s a human experience and it’s uncomfortable for people like me.
I notice it and experience it for what it is. I don’t allow myself to make it something it’s not, and the nerves no longer snowball into the sweats, the stomach pain, the anxiety.
I did this for so long because I couldn’t accept who I was. I wanted to be something I wasn’t. I marveled at people who appeared to be so confident and put together all the time. I wanted to be someone else, and I beat myself up whenever I didn’t meet those standards.
The mind is a powerful thing—we all know this—so powerful it starts to analyze our basic human feelings, emotions, and experiences.
Over time, this can cause debilitating anxiety or depression.
After years of feeling this way, I got to a point where I was just exhausted. It was my own rock bottom.
As an introverted guy, the biggest lesson I had to learn was that it is okay to feel emotions. That was the first step.
At a deeper level though, it is also human to feel anything. This is just as natural as breathing, swallowing, chewing, and sneezing.
I had to stop trying to control it all.
It doesn’t mean I go around crying, laughing, and yelling at the world around me. I am just aware of my emotions, simply for what they are. Not intellectually aware, experientially aware.
When we become aware of our feelings, thoughts no longer have the power to interpret them into something they’re not.
I now understand that this is what connects all of us as people—our innate ability to experience life rather than analyze it.
We are all capable of this.
Despite this, why do we default to analyzing rather than experiencing our emotions? For one, I don’t believe we are taught and encouraged to talk about emotions. As a guy, this especially rings true. We are told from a young age to just buck up and figure it out.
To the best of our ability at the time, we also try and protect ourselves from the world around us. Perhaps it was something we learned to cope as a child or young adult. The emotions were there but for whatever reason, we didn’t allow ourselves or were unable to experience them.
But those emotions don’t just go away. So we busy ourselves to take our minds off of it. We rationalize how we feel (yet don’t actually feel). We overeat to mask how we are really feeling. Our stomachs continue to churn. We don’t sleep as well. We joke about our situation to make us feel better.
We consciously or unconsciously build layer upon layer of protection, which only covers up what’s really going on.
Only when we begin to peel away these layers and experience the pain we’ve covered up for so long can we begin to heal. The intellectual mind cannot do this because it continues to want to control and interpret how we feel.
The more I peeled away these layers, the more I was able to let go of who I thought I should be and to experience the pain I’d held on to for so long.
I thought I should be more successful. I thought I should be more driven. I thought I should be a better son, athlete, student, friend, and boyfriend. It was never enough.
Only when I experienced the pain of the shame I felt as a younger guy, who made mistakes but did the best he could at the time, was I able to let go of that pain.
The fascinating thing is after I experienced that pain, it no longer ate away at me. There was nothing to hide or cover up anymore. It was so simple. All of that pain was simply gone after years of it buried beneath protective layers of security.
I let go of what should have been and experienced what was.
The more you let go of control, the more you are able to experience an abundant life. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the happy, the sad—they’re all part of the human experience. When we allow ourselves to experience all of it, we can then set ourselves free.
We no longer act from a place of fear but rather a place of awareness.
Start by allowing yourself to sit with your thoughts. As a thought arises, observe it for what it is—a thought, something this is not a part of your identity. Detach yourself from thoughts and, as you begin to separate thought from experience, you will see the two are vastly different.
So, there really isn’t anything important in life to we need to make sense of, intellectually. Life is what it is and how we experience it. We need to remind ourselves of this:
It’s perfectly okay to be human.
Remember there are many other people out there struggling with some of the same things you are. After all, we are all human.
We are not alone.
Man sitting alone image via Shutterstock
About Shawn McKibben
Shawn McKibben is a personal development coach and founder of simplefellow.com, a website dedicated to teaching ambitious introverts how to be less socially awkward and have better conversations. He loves to teach, as well as learn from others, and has lived in four major US cities doing just that. Currently, Shawn is giving away his 21-page eBook, “An Introvert’s Guide to Engaging Conversation.”
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I love the message in this post. I’m an introvert who once thought that I was the only one struggling with anxiety. I felt so alone and different, but one day I realized that my struggle was similar to the struggles of others around me. We are all imperfect human beings. We should embrace that and experience the present moment and stop regretting the past and worrying about the future.
I know how this feels. I feel alone and lonely with my feeling and I feel that no one really understands me at times. All of this frustrates me. How can I connect with people?
I was totally in your place a few years ago. I had been a confident person before that, but was harboring c-ptsd from my youth. I learned to take back my life from what my mind was telling me. I learned to focus on the present through Mindfulness and Meditation (as well as medication). The past can’t be changed and the future is unknown, so why not just live in the now and as you point out, sit with your thoughts and challenge them if they are negative. I’m betting you can win that.
Hi Lovelyn,
Thank you for commenting on my post! It’s kind of a Catch-22 with us introverts. While we love our alone time, there’s a fine line between spending time alone and feeling alone.
I agree, we are all imperfect human beings and need to stop comparing ourselves to one another as if we are perfect.
Thanks again,
Shawn
Hi Talya,
Thanks for sharing how you feel. To start, I recommend defining what connecting with people means to you. Connecting with people is a broad term. Get really specific and realistic in your definition. For instance, instead of “I want to connect with people, one could say “I’m going to make a good first impression with a complete stranger today.” It’s a lot less stressful and frustrating when you can break down “connection” into actionable steps.
Thanks again for reading 🙂
-Shawn
Thanks for sharing your story and wisdom. We all have our own perception of our past. I’ve had a great life.
“To whom much is given, much is expected.”
Often, we unrealistically expect too much of ourselves, instead of accepting who we already are.
Thanks for this article. It really inspired me to continue to remind myself to detach from my negative thoughts and let go! Thank you for your words and helping me feel better and not so alone.
This article carves out a wonderful symmetry to strike the chords of my heart with full of positivity. Your inspiring words give a boost to me to enjoy life in a fearless manner. Thanks for your time…
Thank you for this very good article, drawing attention to how we usually worsen normal life-situations by magnifying the emotions incidental to them. Those whom we refer to as ‘No-nonsense people,’ do not allow their minds to wander in all directions and show everything in a bad light. Others, instead of enjoying or suffering their quota of experiences, blow them out of proportions and suffer.
Please consider the following suggestions:
1. In the paragraph beginning with ‘But, those emotions’, please change ‘overeat’ as ‘overreact.’
2. In the paragraph beginning with ‘So, there really’, please change ‘anything important
in life to we need to make sense of,’ as ‘anything important in life that we
need to make sense of,’
You’re very welcome Ginger! I’m happy you can relate and I too, have to practice letting go of thoughts. Thanks for commenting!
Thank you for the kind words Yatin. Thanks for reading and am grateful that my story resonates with you.
Thanks KS for your thoughtful comment and suggestions. The message applies to anyone who has crazy thoughts and doesn’t know what to do with them! Through my website, I help introverts build better relationships but, social anxiety and generalized anxiety can be experienced by any personality type. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
This is a fantastic post, Shawn! I loved your insights, your writing and your open heart. Thank you for writing this. I will be sharing it with others. Blessings, Banu
You are very welcome! Thank you Banu for your kind words. I’m happy you enjoyed my post and am grateful you want to share it with others.
Beautifuly written post, thanks for sharing.
You’re very welcome Dan. Thank you for your kind words!
Loved this! Thank you for sharing this beautiful reminder.
Thank you. You write beautifully and clearly. I will read and re read often.
Please help me I tried reading this article but I don’t know why I can’t understand it. I’m spiraling into depression again. I felt relief earlier today but then the loneliness came back. As if it is on top of me like a cloud. It’s a feeling that feels so powerful. I have anxiety as well also derealization which makes me feel even worse because the depression and loneliness scare me and that triggers my anxiety and the anxiety attacks trigger me to fall deeper into derealization. I want to be okay with being alone. I can’t find someone to hang out with everyday to run away from the reality. They say to distract yourself and go out but when you come back home? It’s still there because your mind was distracted from reality. I want to be able to face this feeling but I’m scared I don’t know what to do. I feel lost in life. I feel even if I do recover where am I going with life? I feel like I am not capabale to find a soul mate, I feel to unstable mentally, I feel like I’ll never find the contentness in life. I just want to enjoy life again and the small things. I would feel alone something but I would shrug it off and continue with my day. The loneliness now is consuming. How do I get out of this false emotion that Is controlling my behavior and feelings? It’s controlling my thoughts to be negative and to feel worse. Even when I’m talking to my friends from back home I still feel lonely. I’m 18 jsut graduated college. I feel as if the routine I had everyday from school gave me a purpose to life and now that I’m free with no routine it makes me feel purposeless. I want to be able to be alone and not scared of my thoguhts. It hard to just let this emotion go because it is very strong. I’m afraid if I truly truly let it come as it please that I’ll fall into a hole. That I won’t be able to come back out of. Please help thank you.
I am also a 18 year old boy, that just graduated and has occasion anxiety after overcoming DPDR, isnt it a strange coincidence? 😀 First thing you see, you are not alone! I also struggle with the thought of what I should do with my life now. But I finally got a place in university. I know it is very hard, for me it was too, especially because DR started during my graduation and now you feel kinda useless and left alone with your thoughts because the days arent as they used to be during school.
My goal is to do the best out of it, even if I dont have a purpose in life, my goal is to achieve happiness and to get rid of the anxiety…I once did, but it hit me again last week out of the blue.
First goal is to accept the situation, dont resist the thoughts, otherwise they become stronger.
I would like to help everyone reducing the unnecessary pain caused by anxiety, basically it is a lie…
Someone who cured his anxiety:
You can completely “cure” yourself in a very short amount of time . We all know its a result of “Trauma ” either from a panic attack or drugs a way to protect your body . So stop that worry its not a mental disorder , but actually I congratulate you all . Your brain is working perfectly as its supposed to work . Your trauma has put your Amygdala to a sensitized state . Consider the sensitized state as scale high/low in just temperature . Now have you experienced , when you didn’t have anxiety disorder / DP you were emotionally strong or not sensitive to emotional thoughts or worries . So it answers your first anxious question “Will it will come back again just by feeling worried about your exams or any worry in the future ?” After going away Amygdala would not be “sensitized” So it will not come back .
Again we all very well know that stopping the anxiety cycle would all together heal you as you have read everywhere . The real deal is to quieten the mind which keeps on having anxious thoughts no matter how much you distract myself or no matter how much you fight it . These anxious thoughts keeps on cycling you though the same anxiety cycle and slightest anxiety during “de-personalized state ” makes DP/DR stay and we know why “sensitized Amygdala”. In normal state if you have same level of worrying thought it wouldn’t trigger back anxiety because Amygdala is no sensitized. Only if 1000 pound grizzly bear is running after you in the jungle then there is a chance getting it back again 🙂 .
If you can spend a week totally not being anxious about it or any future anxiety about it 95% of your symptoms would go away . Rest 10% is just passing time to forget that you once had it 😀
Anxiety basically comes after thoughts arise in mind .
Now how do you stop your thoughts?
NO ! NO ! you cant stop thoughts or fight thoughts that is where you are going wrong about it . Thoughts are the product of Subconscious mind in other words “Conditioned mind”. In a scenario of anxiety/DR/DR its a mind “Conditioned” by your anxiety. “Conditioned mind” or Subconscious mind basically has no connection with logical brain . It basically throws thoughts and then your “conscious mind” is just at a mere mercy of those thoughts . Now if you fight it becomes become stronger and thoughts persist. You resist it persist . One cant stop it :D. So the trick is to “Separate your self from thoughts” . So whenever any anxious thoughts appear . Don’t reply, don’t fight back . Just watch and listen to them . Identify that these are from automatic “Conditioned mind” . These thoughts are not True. Its the same voice that sometimes tells you “You are not good enough “, “You wont be able to do it”, “People don’t like me”, etc etc all that bullshit Its automatic and has no logic . We are not our thoughts or images perceived in our head. Just listen to that anxious voice in your head and laugh at it . Anxiety is a LIE , its a lie and it wants you to believe its lies . This would make more sense when you will be able to see the “LIE” in it . Do this for one week . Symptoms almost go and then you would be actually know the lie of anxiety /DP DR. Would you ever follow that lie again ? thats the cure .
Now thought comes “is it true? what if it wont heal me ? what if I am different ? what if he was different and I am not? what if I am going crazy ? what if it comes back in future ? ”
These are all thoughts and automatic . Are you going to believe them ? change the perception of your source of these thoughts and see what happens . best way if to visualize them as coming from a monster in your head . That fucker doesn’t want you to recover ( which is true indeed) once you stop believing that monster thoughts lose power and slowly they disappear . After sometime you mind will be left with nothing and you can focus attention to you normal things , but if you fight it as you have been doing till now and it hasn’t helped and never will . it hits back .
Wow. This is very powerful. You are aware of a lot of things. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in 3 days which has calmed my depression and dp!! Of course my anxiety lingers with every thought but in slowly getting better. Letting myself not fear it! You have answered a lot of my questions! You are amazing thank you thank you so so much. Please take care of yourself!!! This post really helped me a lot. I keep anticipating anxiety attacks but that’s the bad thoughts.
Trust me: you are not your thoughts! You have to be aware of them, your true self is beyond those thoughts, your true self is watching those thoughts, let them go like clouds. You have surrender to your thoughts, it is the only solution, everything else will make them stronger.
I’ve been anxietyattack free for the last couple of months, last one was around April or May. You have to experience the wisdom that thoughts are mere thoughts. You can only reach that when you focus on the ‘Now’! Future and Past only exist in our head, it will never or rarely happen what you imagine in your head, so stop worrying because it will harm your situation in the present moment.
Thank you for this. I’ve done lots of research but this right here is the best advice! I have quit acknowledging my DR so it doesn’t bother me much which is good. You’re going to reach that warrior within one day. In a big worrier as well even before all this. I worried about every little thing I couldn’t control so I kinda just want to stop worrying about things that are out of reach. Thank you. You will make this I believe in you.
Have a look into “the power of now ” by Eckhart Tolle.
Alright thank you
How is it going?
Oh hey!I’m alright thanks what about you?
You will get there, to the other side and laugh about your worries. Since you were a worrier before, DR shows you that worrying is unnecessary and you will have a worry-freer life.
I myself had a hard time with depression,
I can work and party, but had full idenfication with my thoughts. Im now on the way to peace and detachment from my mind.
I am still on the way of finding myself and processing my past, because I had very very bad times with DPDR.
Thank you for this. I calmed my anxiety down but my depression and derealization got stronger. I really needed to hear this. Do you happen to have Facebook by any chance.?
Sure, text your Facebook Account to my email Philippbinder98@Webster.de