“The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~Byron Katie
On the bus home from Disney World, my best friend sputtered, “Angela, you are such a huge control freak!”
First, I went into an angry rage. I accused her, “How dare you call me a control freak! I planned this whole trip.”
Next, I resorted to pouting and pointing my finger at her, listing every possible way she was the control freak.
I was in complete victim mode. Classic, right? Little did I know that this incident would be an important self-growth tool for me.
She returned to her seat and I started to reflect on her comment in silence. I realized that I was indeed a massive control freak. I planned everything. For example, in group projects, I volunteered to do all the work so I would get a good grade instead of trusting my teammates.
I’ve come to realize that constantly trying to control people is very harmful. They stop believing that you trust them and let you do all the work. I am not superman and people are capable of stepping up.
The same goes with life situations. I’ve had a lot of success living in the life I want, because I’m very assertive and control situations. But honestly, it makes me miserable and I would much rather sit and back and let the universe take care of it.
My mother always told me that what you resist or dislike in someone else can usually be found in yourself. I realized the qualities that I found annoying in other people, especially my father, were his controlling qualities. Then I realized that those qualities were very prominent in myself.
I know now it had to take someone as close as my best friend to wake me up and realize how much I tried to control situations. She’s a friend who knows everything about me and, therefore, I hold her opinion very highly in mind.
I could have been a victim and blamed her for being cruel or picking out my greatest faults. Instead, I sincerely appreciate her for opening my eyes into how much self-work I still needed to do.
When I look back on my life, I can see how all of my relationships have taught me so many lessons. My ex-boyfriend and I got together like most young couples, looking for someone to fix the other and fill up an empty hole that we could only fill.
Instead, we ended up being extremely codependent and very unhappy. I did not treat myself well during that period of time, and he reflected that perfectly to me by treating me exactly how I treated myself.
Now, I try and love myself to the fullest and am more confident than I’ve been in a long time. I am so thankful that he came into my life and demonstrated to me how I treated myself. He was a mirror and the perfect partner I needed at that time in my life.
I went back even further and examined the difficult relationship I have with my father. We have never been close and since childhood I’ve always been resentful of his, in my opinion, mean-spirited nature and how distant he seemed to me.
Now, I realize that he has been such a gift in my life. If I had never felt that pain, I probably would have never gone to see my life coach and found my inner light and source. I am so thankful that he brought me to her! What a different way to look at it.
I’m not saying you should stay in an unhealthy relationship. There are certainly relationships and friendships that are worth avoiding.
I do believe, though, that people come and go into our lives for certain reasons. And instead of perceiving their existence in our lives as negative, we should learn to see the positive differences they have made.
I can assure you that holding onto resentment for someone in your past or present really only ends up hurting up you in the long run.
So what do you do now? You forgive. You forgive yourself. You forgive the people who you believe caused transgressions against you in your life.
When I realized that I am indeed a control freak; I forgave myself; I didn’t beat myself up. I look forward to letting that quality go in my life, but it served me a great purpose in my past. When I was weaker, it served as a great defense mechanism and made me feel important and in charge.
Now I know that I am not in charge and can move on and eagerly wait for the next the relationships and friendships in my life to continue to teach me how to constantly improve myself.
Couple arguing image via Shutterstock

About Angela Lois
Angela Lois works as a recovery coach supporting adults with serious mental illnesses. By night, she is a professional violist. Angela L. shares her stories of her life to combat shame and help people feel more seen. If you would like to receive coaching from Angela or connect, you can connect with her on Instagram @angelaloie or email her at angelaloiscoaching@gmail.com.
There are so many positives to look for, in every situation. It just depends on how we assert the situation. There are obviously unhealthy relationships in everyone’s life. But they teach us how the life goes! Why not to trust everyone? Why to control ourselves from exceeding the limits? These are just a few aspects of the things we learn in the journey of our life.
You can’t damage your whole life just thinking about what happened in the past. Trust me, apologize for what you’ve done, even if you think you’re not the culprit but still, it’s good to matter your relationship than your ego. Peace is the most necessary part of our life, even countries seek for it, then why not us will? (bad logic, I know wink emoticon ) ..! But still, it’s what that matters – Peace, in our inner self.
I’ve been in many situations where I’ve put my ego down and took step forward. That’s what I’ve learnt, as it gave me peace and I felt better. Obviously, I did think that I’m not the culprit, but that’s what everyone in general thinks. I realized that if I consider myself wise, then I should learn to put ego aside in such situations. And thankfully, I was successful in doing that. I now don’t look back, and just move forward. Am happy and I feel peace, what else does one want?
I do want to say that this is mostly relevant if you are in an emotionally happy position…but for those who are trauma or abuse survivors, it’s really not as simple as this. I read articles like this for years as someone as an abusive relationship, and it only reinforced feelings from my ex that it was all my fault.
Most of the time, they have taken advantage of our already vulnerable positions, and then continue to disempower their victims by making them the brunt of their pain and saying that they are responsible for it. I would heavily heed with caution, and I wish this article was more explicit about this.
Hey Angela,
Your mom was right. What you see in others you find within yourself. We’re all connected in some way and the one thing that’s so great is that we can learn about ourselves through other people. I know I have and this has helped be more aware of who I am and the people that are in my life.
Thanks for sharing and I hope you have a great rest of the week!
Hi Donna, I so agree with you! I grew up with seeing my father physically and verbally abuse my Mom. I have a relationship with my Dad since he is no longer on drugs or violent. But it is a challenge because he can at times say things about my Mom or brothers that to me isnt nice and he doesnt see it as wrong. I love him but I can only take him in small doses. He says things that triggers me to react due to his history of ruling our home with fear and intimidation. I am 41yrs old and at times feel like I am that child that is defenseless so I lash out at him or just keep my distance from him. I did therapy for seven years to overcome the trauma from my childhood. My Dad even if to bring to his attention how he is wrong for some of the things he says!
Donna,
Thank you so much for your valuable insight. I did mention in my article and I want to be clear again; I am in no means saying you should engage in unhealthy relationships. BUT, if these relationships do happen, within or without our control, we can at least learn from them in the end. Holding resentment and being a victim by choice usually only ends up hurting out emotional well-being in the long run. So, I’m suggesting forgiveness. You can forgive people and let go of the resentment and hate. And that means not blaming yourself or the bully. I’m in no means undermining your situation; for I know what you are going through. I’m just hungry for inner peace and happiness and will do whatever I can to find that. And for me that is forgiveness and recognizing the positive qualities and attributes of people.
Hey Donna, for everyone it is different. For someone who has been through trauma or abuse, they shouldn’t look back to blame themselves. They should look back to find their peace and to see how getting into that type of situation can be prevented in the future. There are always lessons in everything.
I believe there is good we can take from every situation and everyone we come across. That is what helps us grow. It’s also good to reflect on ourselves, that’s the only way we are able to change. Thanks Angela!
Great article! I definitely know some very irritating people. They help me to test my strength of character and learn to rise above things and remain calm (though I must admit, sometimes it is difficult!). No one’s putting a rain cloud over my head! 🙂
Sherman,
Thanks for your lovely comment! I totally agree that we can learn something from everyone in our life. I hope you have a lovely day!
They definitely are a great test to see if we can keep our positive attitude;)
I totally agree! Thank you for your lovely comment. Have a blessed day!
I agree. Your comment reminds of something my mother always told me. She would say, “Angela would you rather be right or happy.” Now, I realize I need to let the ego go and do whatever will bring the most happiness and peace in my life…a hard lesson to learn. I hope you have a lovely week! Thank you for sharing your insight.
Blessings!
That’s well quoted by your mother! Indeed, it’s true. And why wouldn’t it? After all, every word from a mother is a blessing. 🙂 Thanks for your heartfelt response. Your thoughts are admirable and I wish you good luck for future too!
Regards!
By reading your post Donna, I sympathize but you at the same time you need to take partial responsibility too because we stay in un-healthy relationships longer than we should. We see the warning signs and ignore them, our significant other crosses the line and we allow them too. So therefore, no matter what the situation is people need to learn how to take partial responsibility for allowing the abuse to begin with. Sorry, I’m not trying to be harsh or disregard your feelings but we cannot put the entire blame on 1 person. It’s takes two, 2 sides to every story not just you. I’ve been on T.B. for quite sometime now and I can’t say that everyone on here is the victim. Once something goes wrong that is signal that the relationship is already in an un-healthy state.
(How i got my husband back with the prayers of Dr Akim )I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in cmy heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).