“Never make the mistake of thinking you are alone—or inconsequential.” ~ Rebecca McKinsey
I can still remember it as vividly as if it happened yesterday.
Our kitchen was small. Only enough room for a few people, and there were four of us kids scrounging to get our hands on the rest of the leftovers. It wasn’t a fight, but I can say with certainty that there was an underlying assumption that whoever got their hands on it first was able to claim it, so there was competition.
I grabbed my spoon first and then went to the fridge to get my food when my dad grabbed the spoon out of hand.
“Dad! Give it back!” I said in my most rude teenage voice.
Not a second passed and his hand met my cheek with a blow that knocked me to the floor. There must have been a loud noise as I flopped to the floor, hitting the dishwasher, because my mom, who was doing laundry, came running inside to see what was going on.
I lay there helpless on the floor, not struggling but also not fighting.
I looked up at my mom, who looked back at me, then at my dad. She gave a sigh of disapproval, turned the corner, and walked away.
Still on the floor, I looked up at my brother who was eating at the bar that faced where I was lying. He looked at me chewing his food, continued to eat, and said nothing.
This was the first time I remember feeling alone. It was a reminder that hit me like a ton of bricks that nobody was coming to save me… nobody.
Of course, this reality check didn’t come without consequences. It most certainly left a hole in my heart and closed off parts of me that later became nearly impossible to break. But I survived. I just learned to survive without the parts of me that were open to love and compassion.
While the trauma of getting hit by a parent has repercussions, I believe it was the ignoring of suffering that had more catastrophic consequences for me.
Having both parents fail me at the same moment and then looking up to see my brother carrying on with his life as if nothing was out of the ordinary was complete devastation for me.
In that moment, it was a reminder of my worth, and it was a reminder of my insignificance within my family.
And that became my voice for a large part of my life.
It’s funny, though, because I never remember feeling alone as a kid, and it’s probably just because I never understood what that even looked like. It took years of trying hard to sit with my feelings to understand that what I was feeling was insignificance. Years.
Not having the vocabulary around my feelings made normalizing them so difficult. Now I can look at what I was feeling with confidence and not give it more weight than it deserves. I can label it, feel it, look at it objectively, and move on without taking it personally.
Today I realize that feeling lonely, unseen, and insignificant was simply a product of emotionally immature parents, not a reflection of who I was. But as a kid, I internalized it as a problem with myself because I couldn’t properly label it and assign meaning to it. Instead, I made what I was feeling a part of my character, and thus I subconsciously became a magnet for all the things that would validate that “character flaw” in myself.
I dated people who treated me like crap and sought out mean guys. I had friends who were hurtful. And all the while I felt like I had a problem that made me unlovable.
And I’m not gonna lie, I’m a lot of “too-much-ness” for a lot of people, but emotionally mature people cannot just handle me, they can love me too. Because while I am a lot, I’m also full of a lot of love too.
I tell this story because I realized that naming our feelings is foundational to learning to communicate without projecting blame onto others. This isn’t just true for children going through a difficult time. This is true for many of us adults who just never learned the vocabulary around what certain feelings even look like.
When we own our feelings, we’re less likely to blame other people for causing them because we understand where they originated and know it’s our responsibility to work through them.
My feelings of insignificance will probably never go away when it comes to my relationship with my family. Mother’s Day was difficult for me this year because it brought back those same feelings of loneliness (and a bit of sadness), but they no longer hold the same weight. I now can see my feelings at face value without judging myself and my character as a result.
Instead, I know that…
I am not insignificant, and I am worthy of love. And that is why I have created a life full of love and meaning in my own family.
My “too-much-ness” is only “too much” for those that don’t have the ability to see the beauty in me. And that is why I surround myself with only those who see me through a lens of love.
There is value in learning what our feelings are, defining them, recognizing what they look like, and realizing how they can run us ragged if left unchecked. If you do one thing this year, learn about your feelings so they no longer can control you.
About Michele Mendoza
Michele Mendoza is a blogger and communication coach from California. She and her husband Dave teach clients how to get the relationships they actually want by learning to communicate with love and compassion. You can sign up for their free weekly newsletter on their website at www.micheleanddave.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Having NOT come from an abusive family, hearing stories like this breaks my heart. I am so glad you are a thriver. My only issue is to call an abusive parent, or abusive anyone… immature. That is not immaturity, it is abuse, and to call that behavior immature cuts the abuser slack, gives them a pass, and there is NO excuse for that behavior and should only be called what it is… abuse.
Love this so much!
Sadly there was so much of this going on in years past but never spoken about. Even more so there was severe emotional abuse alone that no one really had vocabulary for when I was growing up in the rural south USA.
Thank you so much for putting these beautiful words together for us all to grow 🙏
I’ve recently been struggling with naming my emotions. I know that I never truly believe that people care for me despite their actions or words and I only rely on myself but after reading your article it hit me that yes, I too have always felt insignificant. I was raised with an abusive, violent father and its absolutely true that you come to the realisation in childhood that nobody will save you. All those people who witnessed his abuse and nobody did a damn thing, it certainly shows your place in the order of things. Thank you for this article, now I can articulate exactly how I feel when I start my much needed counselling sessions.
Your father should have been prosecuted for what he did. Being emotionally immature is no excuse for putting your life at risk. I hope , for your own sake you have cut all ties with him.
This experience broke my heart. I came from a very abusive family. This was my situation exactly. I was the oldest and not only was EVERYTHING my younger siblings did my fault I suffered the physical and verbal abuse for it. I think we all need to be the champion for those we see being abused. There is too much violence in today’s society. We fill our minds and our children’s minds with video games, movies, even the news. As adults we make choices about this but kids are like sponges, soaking it all in and saving for later. Who will be the voice for those that are afraid to speak out?
Some people will have hard boundaries and people who are just too much of anything. Boundaries are important to have and to acknowledge. The OP didn’t grow up in a family that had healthy boundaries. Her admitting that she has boundary issues will most certainly be understood by those that need to have and acknowledge them.
I agree! The mother is no better for allowing that to continue.
Yes! That’s the most devastating part…that nobody ever spoke of it…which is why it was so easy to be confused about the feelings that follow abuse. Naming feelings, talking to a trusted source, and getting validation are so pivotal in recovering from trauma. I do feel like we are in a better place in society to talk about these things openly now, and for that, I am grateful!
Thank you so much for your reply! I love this for so many reasons! On one hand, I agree with you that reducing abuse to the label of “emotionally immature” gives a “get home free” pass. But on the other hand, I can’t help but point out that in any situation, the precursor to abuse is emotional immaturity. People abuse other people because they aren’t capable of controlling their own emotions (frustration, rage, anger…etc.) So treating abuse as the problem seems counterproductive. Instead I think we need more awareness around the detrimental affects of people in society who are emotionally immature because the inability to control emotions is what causes people to abuse others.
I appreciate your reading my story and that small bit of confirmation that I’m a “thriver” really meant a lot to me! (Insert heart emoji) 🙂
First, thank you…for reading my post and for validating my experience. From the deepest part of my soul…thank you.
This story has taken me twenty years to talk about because of the emotional trauma it caused me. There is such freedom in finally writing about it and coming to terms with what happened to me. Yes, he should have suffered some kind of consequence for his actions…no doubt, but leaning on the legal system to give justice where it is due has given no solace. But forgiveness has. And while I have the ability to forgive, I will never forget.
Totally agreed 🙏
You deserve many kudos for your strength. I have a very immature mother who is verbally abusive, critical, judgmental and plain unpleasant to be around. We have not spoken in over a year and a half and the stress from her behavior is gone. Protect yourself and your sanity at all costs