“You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha
I remember one of my first mindfulness classes that pertained to impermanence. I went home in a bit of a slump.
Nothing is permanent; everything ends; “This too shall pass.” It was quite a shock to the system.
After getting over what, on a surface level, seemed to be incredibly dire, I realized that this could be incredibly liberating.
Enter the principle of non-attachment, a notion that has the potential to aid in the evolving nature of day-to-day life.
Rather than clinging to things—relationships, jobs, material goods—hoping that they will last forever, or being fearful that the uncomfortable parts of our lives will never change, we learn to deal with the moments as they arise.
There is power in knowing that our moments can, and will, inevitably shift.
Knowing the good won’t last forever gives us permission to embrace the moment fully without clinging or depending on it.
Acknowledging that the bad won’t last forever gives us strength to move forward instead of being caught up in helplessness and insight to make shifts and changes if need be.
Impermanence is a blessing in disguise. And non-attachment is the only way to truly forgive and love another person.
Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? How can non-attachment possibly lead to a happy, fulfilled relationship?
Here’s how.
In my last relationship, I prided myself on being honest and open. I didn’t want to play games, because that’s not the sort of person I am, nor the sort of man I wanted to attract into my life.
I wanted a guarantee that he would stick around and that our relationship was progressing. I wanted to know that he wasn’t going to just disappear from my life, a dialogue from my past that prickled at my defense mechanisms and inevitably pushed him away, too.
This made me fearful and scared, and I shut down intermittently. This invisible pressure burdened both of us.
The hard truth is that there are no guarantees.
Of course, there were other factors in our relationship. The point here is that there was also an unhealthy attachment present; I became dependent on him, and I clung.
I was like a child who was holding onto a baby animal, who was so scared of it running away that I held it tightly, suffocating it.
Non-attachment means that you are able to live your life outside of the other person; it ultimately takes pressure off and allows you to be without depending on anything or anyone to feed your soul.
Clinging onto things—relationships, jobs, materials goods—simply does not make sense considering their evolving nature.
These things add to your life, but they are not your life. You’re all that’s guaranteed, and even you grow and change, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This doesn’t mean that past lessons or past behaviors can’t or won’t guide your present actions or that future goals aren’t important. Instead, it means that you can live out your moments naturally and organically, with appreciation and/or awareness, because you aren’t leaning on something that might change or shift.
Non-attachment in relationships is not indifference or apathy to another person. It’s an absence of fear. Fear and clinginess come from a sense of impending loss.
However, if we go into a relationship or exist in a relationship already knowing that things may change or shift (for better or worse), we rid ourselves of pressure and burdening expectations. We can approach the relationship and issues with an open heart and simply see what unfolds naturally.
Relinquishing (some) control is scary, but not impossible.
This is not to be confused with blind acceptance of things that aren’t satisfying.
Existing in the unattached present moment acknowledges what is actually happening now and gives us the power and capacity to shift or change a situation, which is also applicable to a relationship that isn’t what you want, need, or deserve.
I know many couples who are staying together, even if it hasn’t been working for years and years, because it was “so good long ago.”
I’m an advocate for working through things, but ultimately, the present is all that is relevant.
As far as relationships go, I was once told that some people you simply get for a season, some people appear in your life intermittently, and some people stay around for longer and forever, if you’re lucky.
The catch is that you ultimately don’t know which category the person you’re dating or in a relationship with is or will be in, and red flags aside, there is no way to know.
However, being unattached, open, and aware is a key ingredient to experiencing a relationship organically and observing what may unfold.
About M. J. Ross
M. J. has a background in psychology and a keen interest in mindfulness therapy. She finds comfort in the universal familiarity of interesting conversation, Earl Grey tea, and good playlists. A strong believer in a well-rounded approach to well-being, she also develops platonic crushes on inspiring people and enjoys exploring new places in the world.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I’ve never thought about friendships and relationships in this way. This is a huge eye opener for me. I’d often like to think that the friendships that I have, or will make, or relationships, will last for a long time or for forever. I realize now that this mentality will add pressure to you. I sometimes catch myself feeling fearful, wondering of that might leave or never talk to me. But, not everyone will stay with you forever, and it’s best to enjoy every relationships with no expectations. If the people you have friendships with you stay with you then that’s great, and if they don’t, then that’s okay too. Just put in care and effort and love into every relationship you encounter, and release the hope that will last forever, because that most likely won’t happen.
This is great advice. Thank you! 🙂
One of my favourite articles thus far
Nice article M.J. I would add something. Let go of the term “relationship” entirely since that is just a story in the head anyway. Most importantly, give up the relationship with yourself.
Thanks Fabian! Interesting idea about giving up the term ‘relationship’ entirely. I believe that the relationship we have with ourselves is important to how we connect with others 🙂
Thanks Manny!
You’re welcome, thanks for reaching out 🙂
Hi Jessica, thanks for reaching out! You’ve really captured what I’m trying to communicate. Being aware of your patterns, (being fearful that someone might leave’) is an important first step to shifting thoughts and behaviours. I think the best way to experience relationships is just to enjoy and nourish them. The fears and such may surface (we are human after all), but as there are no guarantees, we instead have the choice to focus on living in the moment. All the best 🙂
Hi MJ, thank you for sharing this article. A very powerful read and a behavior I struggle with deeply. I am notorious for being clingy. This is because I feel like everything I love, I loose. When I was young, my mom and I were very close, she was my best friend, then I lost what I knew of a mom to addiction. She is still alive in the shell, but the years of abuse have left her empty and not much of a mother. My first love broke up with me (which now as an adult makes sense, we were young). I was 29 and married for 3 months when my husband left and went on a cocaine binge. He came back and we had a beautiful son. He would die 5 years later due to addiction. Currently, I am dating someone who I’ve been on and off with for 2 years. The first time he broke up with me, I was beyond a mess. My whole world came crashing down. We are currently back together, but there have been 2 breakups since then. He even dated someone for a few months and says now that it taught him that it’s me he wants to be with. I know I have an unhealthy dependency on my relationships. It scares me that I’m doing this with my son.
Any advice.
Thanks,
SS
Hi SS, thanks for sharing your story, and I’m sorry about the loss of your late husband. You mentioned that ‘everything I love, I lose.’ It sounds like this thought was imbedded, in part, when you were a child and lost your mother to addiction. That is, it is this thought that (in part) leads to your ‘clingy’ behaviours, correct? Of course, when you break up with someone (your recent love) it is devastating, and normal to feel like your world is crashing down. However, I believe talking to someone addressing some of your internal dialogue might be useful, as you’ve already identified that your behaviour might be problematic in your romantic attachments and in your relationship with your son. I will use an analogy that was once told to me: you are whole and complete, and someone great coming into your life is like putting the icing on the cake. Hope this helps, all this best!
Great article, makes total sense!!
Thank you MJ for your quick response. Yes, my clingy behavior does stem from thinking everything I love, I will lose. Therefore, I hold on extra tight thinking it’s helping, when in reality it’s not. I have been seeing a therapist for several months. It just takes time and I hope that I can overcome this thought and truly believe I am whole and complete.
Thank you,
SS
Great article! That which you resist you get!
What is the difference between an unattached relationship and an open relationship?
Unattached is not uncommitted is just not being afraid of being alone. Too many people rely on the other person in the relationship to create their happiness thus creating a huge fear of loss or happiness “if” it was to come to an end. Unattached is accepting we are each our own responsibility and to enjoy each other in the moment as all things “evolve, change, or end” thus making today’s relationship never tomorrow’s relationship. Thus why fear the loss and create pressure on today over what may or may not happen tomorrow.
An open relationship on the other hand is a relationship where the monogamous relationship has a differential of multiple relations through agreement of the commitment base couple.
Excellent
Excellent take. Thank you.
Great article and thank you for sharing.
There’s great wisdom in the non-attachment and not clinging onto things – everything and anything. It enlightenment, I think, and not easy to get to.
Hi M.J., I really enjoyed your article. The practice of
absolute acceptance of your present situation can be challenging when you begin
to involve others. The reality in this practice is what we focus our energy on
will come to be. To accept and allow our past, present and future is to give up
the idea of “control” and instead embrace being “in charge” of who you are in
that moment. When you move into intimacy with someone this will bring up new
sub-conscious patterns to work through. It
is not up to us as individuals to decide the fate of our future situations,
just who we will be in that moment and how it aligns to our vision of who we
aspire to be. The paradox is that if two people come together to share
themselves fully, accepting who each other is in that moment, and allowing each
other to be who they will become, then they will last. They will both be able
to grow, nurture, and evolve. There would be no hidden expectations, no limitations
or boundaries.
One can find this in another only if one can find this in themselves.
The key is, you attract what you need to learn about who you are now, and who
you are meant to become. These lessons are indifferent and can be interpreted
as unfair or gifts, depending on your perspective. Thank you so much for the
opportunity to read your article and comment.
Cosimo
Great advice. So very true!
I guess, I struggle to wrap my head around this one. So one can be unattached, but still in a committed monogamous relationship? How do people in an unattached relationship create a common vision for the future (like buying a house) if they aren’t looking forward?
Thanks Steven 🙂
Hi Cosimo, thanks for reaching out! I really enjoyed reading your insights, too. All the best 🙂
Agreed Lucy, very difficult. Thanks for reaching out!
Thank you, all the best 🙂
Hi Kelsey, thanks for getting in touch. It’s not that we’re unattached in the sense of commitment to the other person, but rather that we are not dependent solely on the other person for our happiness, and recognise that relationships (like all things) have the
potential and capacity to evolve and change (in both positive ways and not). The trick here is by staying present we are able to enjoy and/or consider the changes in our relationship as they unfold. Of course plans and considering the future are relevant to the progression of the relationship, but focusing ONLY on
such takes away from what is actually happening in the relationship right now. Hope this helps!
Thanks for the great article! I think that we basically can’t find everything we need in life from anything else- be it a spouse or a material possession. It may work for a while, but ultimately, we’ll end up unhappy any time they disappoint us, or anytime things change. Also, the novelty of material possessions wares off, so we’ll always need more and more, if that’s where we’re going for fulfillment. We have to be happy ourselves, never reliant on other things or people, before we’re ever really happy with our lives in general.
Thanks for your amazing work- so glad I found your article!
Hello, thanks for getting in touch 🙂 I wholeheartedly agree with everything you’ve said, and I’m glad my words resonated with you. All the best!
I must admit i have my thoughts on this one too, when you talk about “existing in the unattached moment” reminds me of ‘anything goes as long as I am satisfied with it’.
In every relationship (also with ourselves) all the things we do have an effect on others. and we have to decide if what we do is worth the harm we may cause on ourself or others.
I certainly agree that we are responsible for our own happiness, and when we realize that, we get strength and freedom – but we are still responsible for our actions and for what they instill in others.
@@ MJ Ross, I believe being unattached and falling in love openly n fully with a person are contradictory. When u fall in love with a person, there is a sense of attachment that grows and when a relationship breaks it’s the attachment that causes clinging behaviour in the mind. So the concept of love without attachment doesn’t seem right.
Hello there, thanks for getting in touch. Yes, it does seem paradoxical and a
bit of a balancing act. I agree that falling in love leads to attachment,
at both a biological level and an emotional one. Buddha reminds us that
suffering stems from attachment; this does not mean you can’t love another
person deeply. ‘Unattachment’ here involves recognising the evolving nature of
life, thus appreciating and existing in the present moment with your
significant other (or having the strength to move on). I’m coming from an angle that highlights the constant change of life in parallel with the importance of allowing a relationship to progress, unfold and exist without depending on the relationship to fulfill or satiate you. I believe that loving someone (which of course includes connection) combined with present-moment awareness can co-exist to create a healthy dynamic involving freedom, choice and/or acceptance. All the best 🙂
Hello there! I agree that our actions have an effect on others, and I am not suggesting that being unattached or present-minded negates boundaries, or that you won’t be mindful of the impact of your actions on another person. I’d say the contrary, as present moment awareness paves the way to choice, appreciation and/or
acceptance, and hopefully it is a two-way street within the relationship. I agree with you that there is freedom in recognising our own happiness lies within us (rather than relying on others) 🙂
Thanks ; )
And hello again. Thank you for the comments and the message that we are ultimately in control over our own happiness. I once heard that you are the one who decides if you are going to feel hurt by the actions of others. A hard one, but true – just think of the days when people can say anything to you and it doesn’t matter, other days the same people can say similar things and we are in the pits.
Where I have a hard time seeing the connection is when this ‘unattachment’ sounds like a excuse to not commit and be responsible. “However, being unattached, open, and aware is a key ingredient to experiencing a relationship organically, and observing what may unfold”
– in my mind, we should be responsible in a relationship, not only to observe what may unfold and the other person acts, but participate and contribute to how things unfold. Relationships(as in a partnership), in my mind is always about two people making things grow together. A relationship is not always floating on clouds, a relationship is good days and bad days, smiles and tears, hate and love, up’s and down’s – but based on waking up each morning and making the active choice of being in it.
thank you for a good article, good thoughts and good comments.
I am leaving UK in a month’s time parting ways with my friends and my comfort zone. I have been finding it really difficult to let it all go. But your article has given me a fresh perspective on this. I shall look to the future with courage and enthusiasm to what may unfold.
Thank you for this refreshing piece! 🙂
Greetings M.J. Ross,
Being married for many years now, I’ve come to find this article quite timely. It’s not that I’ve fallen out of love with my partner it’s simply that I’m trying to hold her to a standard that is of my own. It doesn’t work for her and I’ve had a hard time dealing with what she is versus what I think she should be. I totally get your point. Letting go doesn’t mean we have to part, it means I should step out of her mind and back into my own. And just let me and her happen as it will. tyvm
Hello there! Just remember to be open in your experience and let things unfold naturally. All the best with your upcoming journey 🙂
Hello! It sounds like you’ve recognised some standards you’re holding onto that your partner isn’t, and it’s great that this article has made you mindful of this pattern. The trick here is also recognising your own wants and needs, and what you can accept versus what you can’t. I’m glad the article was timely for you, all the best 🙂
Thanks Anna 🙂
All the best 🙂
Thank you 🙂 All the best!
I have been attached to every one who offered me love n care..its just i was insecure to loose them now also i am not a big just a teenager who has been suffering a lot when i was a child..i didn’t have mother and all problems all over!I feel that people dont love my company after a little while as i smile too much as i am so happy to talk to them..and when i got a good relationship i am strongly obsessed with it..i read the whole article and i understood it too..but i am unable to apply it on my own..how can i stop being attached to peoples allover even when they are not worth it..right now i am in love with a celebrity!!Just because it makes me happy i follow him everywhere i stalk his social profiles and sometimes he responds a little and i feel the best..even my mind knows this is mad sort of things but for the sake of love i am forced by myself to do it..i cant dream of being detached to him now!!….i am trying to understand life..but this is complicated!! 🙁
How about if your seeing someone and they haven’t made it clear if they intend on taking you more serious and make a conmitment, do you say something or just enjoy their company and see how it goes? If you say you want more is that unhealthy as you are doing so out of fear? I find it difficult to distinguish between enjoying the moment and not being taken as a push over…
Hello there 🙂 I can appreciate that it seems to be a bit of a fine line, but here are my thoughts: there is a difference between enjoying the moment and settling for less than you want. Seeing what unfolds naturally is a part of the process of getting to know someone, but if you reach a point where you want a commitment, I’d suggest having an open, honest conversation and seeing what happens from there. Staying in the moment also involves the self-awareness of honouring our needs. I hope this helps!
Thank you so much for your response, it’s so helpful…loved this article too! 🙂
It is one of the unique articles I have come across till now. It seems contradictory that how can someone control not to get attached when someone is in love with that person. I believe that if someone loves another person they always try being for each other no matter what because they are scared of loosing you. I had a break up recently where the guy said he had started meaning a lot to me and hence he is breaking up. He would be re locating a bit far and he doesn’t want to work it out -he just gave up instead of giving it a try. I have already lost him as my love. Since we were great friends earlier I am now insecured of losing the friendship with him too. I am completely lost.
But I loved the way you said… maybe I just have to see how things unfold naturally.
This is one of the unique articles I have come across.I always believed that where there is love there is a fear of losing one another. I recently had a break up because the guy said he does not want any attachment and he is afraid he wont be having time for me because he’d be working.I want to know , did I getting attached to him and just because he started meaning a lot to me affected my relationship ? How can i love someone without the fear of losing him? We had everything great.Spent the best time with each other.
Now that I have lost him as love, I dont want to lose him as a friend.How can I deal with this?
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