Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

Amen to that for sure!!!!!

Thanks for this article. It is a good reminder about seeing through delusions of how we think think should be vs. what they actually are. It took me many decades to part with ideas about obligations to an abusive family of origin, also because it was difficult for me to create a new family of my own. I have been happily married to a loving husband (miraculously, and after much healing!). However, we did not have children while I was a younger woman, in part due to my focusing on being in recovery from much childhood trauma. It is OK now that I also have come to see my friends and surrounding communities as family. Still, there is a longing there at times for a young adult(s) child figure in my life, to be like a more traditional family. Maybe one day, this could unfold…I do not know. For now..I will love the ones in my midst 🙂

I could have written this story as well. It is the same illusion I experienced with biological family that kept me in trauma for many years after I left the biological household. For me, the deception and the “story” of “family” was so deep, that I would walk out on the people who actually came into my life, caring about me, offering to be there with me, because they didn’t fit my idea of “family” / they weren’t the biological family that I was told was always going to be there for me, through thick and thin, and that was the most important thing in my life, which was the only thing I trusted. Yet it was that biological “family” who had abused me in every way possible and manipulated me into believing that, and who had never cared about me personally in any way. I walked away from many wonderful friends and generous people whom I mistrusted b/c they weren’t what I thought of as proper ‘family’. As time went on and the reality of my biological situation became clear, it is the bio family that I am no longer in contact with. I now understand that we create our own families. My life is better than ever and I have peace of mind for the first time. Thank you to the author for writing this. It is an exceptional situation that many of us do actually face and one in which we can be very misunderstood. However, our decisions, choices and lives are valid and we deserve peace, love, and to be surrounding only by people who have good intentions toward us.

Thank you for this article. It is as if you wrote my story…I have been struggling for 6 years breaking away from very toxic relationships with my parents and siblings. I am getting there but there is still residual guilt. I appreciate reading your story and have hopes that one day I will wake up and not dwell on the guilt I carry for having made the decision to stop the drama, manipulation and selfish behaviors. Interesting how we both want to be “anonymous” as the stigma of terminating parental and sibling relationships still exists. There is the tough decision-then the day to day living with the decision-but there is always the judgement of others that reminds you of your guilt. But every day it does get BETTER!

I am so grateful to have read this article and comments. Tomorrow will be 2 years since my dad passed away. I spent many years before his death in a constant battle with my siblings and my mother. They are mentally abusive people. My one brother is no doubt a sociopath with narcissistic personality disorder. He has poisoned my mother’s mind beyond repair. My relationship with my mother slowly deteriorated over my father’s decade-long battle with Alzheimer’s disease. My entire life I was led to believe that my dad was not a nice person. During his illness I began to realize it was my mother who was evil. She was abusive to him while he was sick, consistently lied about his condition and kept me in the dark while manipulating me into feeling sorry for her. There’s do much damage that has been done. It was exhausting trying to maintain a relationship with my family while they gave me nothing but aggravation in return. After years of lies, deceit, mental abuse and manipulation, I decided it was time to walk away. My father was no longer on this earth. There was nothing for me to hold onto. It’s been very difficult coping with my decision even though I know it was the best decision I could make for myself and my children. I too worry about the example I am setting when I preach to my children about the importance of family and unconditional love. Then again I know my children are not being raised in the same dysfunctional environment as I was. It’s nice to see I’m not alone in my choice.

A–Thanks for having the courage to bare your soul by submitting this story. Given the number and lengths of these comments, I’d say you touched many. And the writing was a part of your healing.
Many years ago, after a couple of sessions with my parents, my therapist told me that there is a family problem, and that I was the one showing the symptoms, so I no longer blamed myself.
And several years after that I worked in a role-playing group to heal the relationship with my parents, and was happy to be able to do this before they died. So I no longer blamed them for my character flaws, but took on responsibility for who I was.
I realised that they did the best parenting they could, even though it was rotten, and that maybe this came from their parents behaviors, and on indefinitely into the past.
I invite you to continue to heal this wound and hope you can do it before they die.

I needed that. I could have written it myself. At 30 I came to this realization. A few years later I had a brain trauma and the things I’d like to forget come back to me more often than I’d like and occasionally I go back to that former girl so desperate for approval. I also am most afraid of my son someday walking away from me, but like you I have tried to love and support him fully in hopes of breaking the cycle. It’s refreshing today to know I’m not alone.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It is in some ways my story as well, only few people know it. Although I have worked on these issues in many ways throughout much of my life, I still have difficulty telling people about it for some reason. I am now in my 60’s. I admire and respect your strength and courage. Thank you again!

Hello
Thank you for sharing your experience. In an ideal world, our family would be our greatest source of strength and support, everyone would get along for the most part…but it just isn’t always like that.

And when it’s not, the misguided beliefs that you stick by family no matter what,etc..can be a huge source of stress. The idea that we should let people manipulate, abuse and do all other kinds of things, but then have to put up with it because they are ‘family’ is crazy when you think about it. We can make an effort to repair relationships, set boundaries and other strategies to try and make for smoother relations, but if that isn’t working, then some tough decisions may need to be made.

Man..all I could do when I read this is cry..im shaking like crazy and i know why..i just want to thank you all for having the courage to bring this issue out in the open..Iwill turn 58 years old tomorrow and you have just saved my life.

A huge thank you for everyone who has read and commented. I am truly grateful for the support. I am especially glad if these words have helped in any small way.

That is a hilarious Facebook post. Not the post, but the first comment puts it all into prospective.

I could have written this article, except it is my mother whom I had to divorce. My father was the “peace keeper” and I made a silly death bed promise that I would look after my mother after he died. I tried, and tried until my depression got the worse of me and I wanted access to my inheritance so I could get the medical treatment my father would have provided me with. My mother’s loving advice was if I wanted to kill myself I should go ahead and do it, the world would be better off without me….. Unfortunately for her, I’m too smart and even more stubborn. I decided I should stick around if only to make her life a living hell. My departure from this earth would be too easy for her.

Even though I had not celebrated holidays with my biological family in decades, cutting that final cord with my mother was tough. I went through the guilt. I kept hearing her say “the only ones you’ll ever have is your biological family…. How scary!

I’m extremely fortunate that I’ve had a fabulous family that went from being my inlaws to my outlaws and they were the ones that rescued me and helped me put my life back together.

I have to tell you, my parents and siblings do not understand my choice to disconnect either. I can only tell you this: all children are different and have different needs. My parents treated my siblings very different than they treated me. Their expectations, rewards, punishments, experiences, and words shared with my siblings were simply not my reality so my siblings cannot see my motivation for leaving all behind. I do not care if they see things my way. I am glad my siblings have a loving relationship with my parents. No one else can truly understand the dynamics of broken relationships. There is always that couple everyone is so shocked to see file for divorce. Two truths: outsiders do not know what really happens between two people AND the failure really does fall on both parties.

I am going through this process right now. I, too, am over forty and only now am beginning to come to a sense of self and seeing the truth of what happened. It was ugly and what I did was take a lot of the nonsense and acted out self-destructively. Eight years I have been recovering in many areas. I have not been going to family events for many years but have been more avoiding, controlling of situations. Now I am finally being honest with family members and telling them that I chose not to go and am walking away because this is what I need for me. I do not want to participate in sharing the lies, manipulation, deceit, minimizing, disrespect any longer. It is too toxic!! However, it is hard. But I, too, am fortunate to have many good people around me supporting me especially through this time. This is exactly what I needed to read today. Abrazos!!

You wrote my story I cannot believe how much relief you gave me disowned entire family inn 2014

And that is why we would just like to understand. maybe our hopes are too high and there never will be a relationship. But I refuse to give up.

My partner has tried to tell me that my family is toxic. I still have a hard time seeing it, but I have cut off contact and we moved away from them. I have some contact with my mom and I feel like a bad daughter for not trying harder to have a closer relationship with her, even though my partner is against that. Any advice to help me open my eyes?

Thank you for writing and sharing this article. I commend the brave decision to walk away from your parents – something I cannot imagine a child ever really wanting to do unless necessary. Nearing the end of last year I decided to cease contact with my mother, sisters, and my whole family of origin. During my early childhood my father abused me terribly. He also used the divide & conquer technique – did not abuse all children. My older sister in particular was his ‘princess’; untouched on a pedestal. I was my father’s primary victim within the family unit because of my temperament and how well I took to his conditioning. In my life, I have paid a massive toll for what my father did. Last year, out of the blue, I became suicidal. For years I thought I had healed from my past. I became more and more suicidal over the course of 7 months. Dangerously close in the end. At the same time, my eyes were slowly opening to reality. I saw my mother for who she really was; highly destructive and manipulative. My life was not my own – at age 33. Finally, I cut contact with my mother and everybody from my family of origin – my mother had worked to drive a wedge between me and everybody else over the years, anyway; creating isolation. A couple of weeks after I stopped having contact with my mother, my intense suicidal thoughts dissipated. A couple of weeks after that, I was able to attend my first mindfulness course. The course proved transformative. Just as the course was starting though, my daughter lost a very important teacher who she was close with. He committed suicide – the same way I was going to do it myself. My husband and I took our girl to her teacher’s funeral. I stood with my arm firmly around my daughter’s shoulder as we watched her teacher’s coffin being loaded and driven away in the hearse. During the funeral service, the teacher’s friend spoke. She said that the teacher had been a proponent of mindfulness, and she wanted to teach us a mindfulness technique on his behalf. So, right then and there we were taught a breathing technique. It felt like an important message, that made my experience of the mindfulness course even more vital. Months later, my daughter still struggled with the reality of her teacher’s suicide. He was a very good man. A kind, gentle human being. I am working at being more that kind of person, for my daughter and husband now. Mindfulness is transforming my life. I’ve come to realise that when we are on the right path, the road truly does rise up to meet us. I believe I was suicidal due to a subconscious battle between what I wanted to be true, and the actual reality that slowly dawned on me. I still wish for my mother, my sisters, aunties and uncles. But it’s an empty wish – a wish for something that never was. It takes strength to face up to a deeply held delusion. I am thriving now, like I never have before in my life. Best wishes for you anonymous – and for everybody on this journey.

I haven’t completely cut off from my family but I lost interest in them in the last year and no longer feel part of any family. That isn’t sad for me, if anything it’s very relieving. I thought I had an obligation to them, and I don’t. It was when my friends started to point out how critical they all were of me and how shocked they were when I relayed what had been said to me just after it had been said that I felt confidence that it was ok to just not care about them anymore.

I don’t miss them, but I also don’t feel any anger or negative emotion. Sometimes I pick up the phone if they call, but it depends which one of them it is and how much I can be bothered. I think they probably feel the same way about me so I don’t feel I have hurt anyone.

Some people have close families, others don’t. I don’t buy the whole ‘being grateful’ thing. If you don’t feel you gain anything from a relationship you shouldn’t be in it.

Bravo! Check out the work of Alice Miller; she’s 100% aligned with your brave, truthful rationale.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I was raised in a cult that teaches anyone who questions the religion or chooses to leave should be shunned. Whether that person is family or not. Over the years, my entire family started to leave, I was the last one out. This created an intense desire within me to preserve and improve my relationships with each of my family members. Over the last 4 years since I’ve left, I have accomplished that, except for with my mother. 18 months of conversations and emails of her refusing to accept her role, and deflecting the blame to everyone from my father to my wife, and I finally had it. I stopped beating around the bush, and told her exactly how I felt. She responded by saying we’re done, and to have a nice life. After everything our family has been through, she still can’t break that cult mentality of all or nothing. Surprisingly, I wasn’t hurt. In fact it was a massive weight off of my shoulders. What I’ve come to know is unconditional love is learned, it’s not biological. I fear that one day my child will have the same issues with me, but I think just having that fear is enough motivation to prevent it from happening, or at the very least, handle the situation better than my mother did.

I dont know how to thank you for such a post. I am struggling to make a decision, my problem is with my emotionally abusive father and he has been like this always, but I cant leave my mom with him and I am preparing to move out with my mom and my son soon. It is really relieving to know that there are other people who think like me and there is nothing wrong with severing ties even with parents who are emotionally abusive. Even if my father dies, I wont be sad or anything, so much I have suffered since my childhood. I too was trying to living in a dream called happy family for long, now it is time for me to come out into reality. Thanks once again.

This REALLY hit home with me today……I was raised in a cult as well where “God” was put before family and that his teachings were straight from the New World Translation….I officially cut off my mother 12 years ago, after I confronted her with the sexual abuse with my father and she simply said coldly “if you leave “the truth” we are going to have nothing to do with you” LONG story short I had to take matters in my own hands and write her a hand written note discussing our last discussion and if that was the way she felt than I am cutting her off as well (mental preservation) ….My husband and 2 children moved across the country for a fresh start to get away from all the toxic nonsense and there are days that I feel so alone and that no one “gets it”…Thank you for this article….I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can stand up cheering that I am no longer alone and will not feel like the victim when I have done absolutely nothing wrong…I also hope that everyone continues to find their new family and that they will find peace and joy in their new relationships…and you are right ….TRUE family does not have to have a bloodline attached to it….

Thank You for sharing your story…..it’s been 10 years since I’ve had contact with my family and its the best thing I could have done for myself and my well being. I’ve made peace with it all and I’m healthier for it.