“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan
A few years ago I ended all contact with my parents, and I have not seen or spoken to them since then.
The truth is I am actually okay with that. Initially, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had been brought up to believe that family comes first. Children should respect and take care of their parents. Family should—and will—always be there for each other.
Those beliefs were based on love, and I cherished them.
I wanted so much to feel that connection—that unconditional love those beliefs promised. It was never there.
Our lives were filled with so much fear, pain, hurt, betrayal, and lies. Manipulation and deceit were at the core of our home.
I told myself that all families have degrees of dysfunction, and our family was no different. I could not allow myself to believe that our family was different. I believed that one day my parents would realize what they were doing and change. I desperately wanted their love and approval.
On the night when my husband and I ended up inside a police station explaining why I thought my father was about to come to my home and hurt me, while my two grown sons waited in the car, I realized I had to wake up.
My fantasy was over. I could no longer go on pretending our family was just like everyone else. That night I said my last goodbye to my mother as she lied to protect my father. The next day I spoke the last words to my father as he screamed into the phone repeating the lies from my childhood. It was over.
Giving up the hope that things would get better was the hardest part. I was terrified that I was doing the wrong thing. I thought I was being a bad daughter. I was going against every cherished belief about family.
It broke my heart to know that my life had been based on an illusion. The picture I had created of my parents was shattered. They had never been there for me, and they never would be.
I had lied to myself to protect my fantasy and keep them in my life. Now I could no longer do it.
Over time I began to understand why I had fought so hard to live out the lie, and I began to forgive myself for not being brave enough to stand up earlier.
One of the problems was my belief that family were always there for each other. That was the cause of my pain and my guilt. The fact that I no longer had them in my life meant that I was going against a code I held close to my heart.
I had to modify that belief. I had to change my definition of family. It was no longer those to whom I was linked by blood. My family now became the friends who had been there the whole time. People who I knew I could count on when things went wrong. That was never my parents.
I also realized that I was afraid I was not lovable. In my mind if my own parents could not love me, there had to be something wrong with me.
I did everything I could to minimize disagreements between us, keeping quiet just to keep the peace. I knew that if I spoke up we would argue, they would get mad at me, and they would not love me. I failed to realize that this was something I only experienced with them.
It was hard work just to be around them. I was always on edge, cautious, and scared. That was not a loving relationship. I came to accept that if they could not love me, it didn’t change anything about me. I had created other loving relationships around me, and they were the scaffolding holding me up.
My first Christmas after was hard. I had always gone to my parents’ house to live the fairy tale of being surrounded by love.
It was always hard to ready myself for those days. We would act out the roles of happy family, hoping in some way that was our truth. It wasn’t. I had no idea how tense I was at these interactions until I no longer had to do it.
Part of the hurt was that I now had no tradition, so I decided to start a new one. Christmas is no longer a day of obligation. I now spend it with the people who are my true family.
I’ve come to realize that the love I had for my parents was based on a childhood need for safety and security. I had to see them as the parents who loved me, despite the things they did. I could not accept that the people responsible for my well-being were also responsible for my suffering.
So much of the world I had created around my parents was simply not real. I have had to accept that truth and move on with my life.
One of my fears was that by breaking contact with my parents, I was setting an example that my sons could repeat with me. I’d like to think this won’t happen because of my parents.
The pain of my childhood taught me how important it is for a child to truly feel loved, safe, and cherished. I’ve tried to live that truth with my boys. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I can only hope that the love I’ve shown them will have created a space in their hearts where I will always be thought of with love.
I try to imagine how I’ll feel when I find out that my parents have died. I honestly don’t know. I’m sure that part of me will be sad that we did not have a better ending. However, I know in my heart of hearts that I tried for over forty years to make it work. In the end, it just wasn’t enough.
My parents were never who I thought them to be. I have had to let it all go. The fantasy of the perfect ending with them is over. I am setting out on a new horizon where I have redefined my world.
As abused children, we may feel that it is somehow our responsibility to fix the broken parts of our family. It’s not. Sometimes there is no fairy tale ending where our parents realize how truly wonderful we are.
The hard part is recognizing that and moving on. Sometimes it’s the only way to find real peace. It’s heartbreaking. It’s not easy. Finding and surrounding yourself with people who truly care for you is your gift to yourself. You deserve that. You will be okay.
I no longer believe that I have lost my family. I have only now finally recognized who they truly are.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
yes!!! way to break away from our belief that blood is thicker than water. I’ve always said that my parents, siblings, and relatives are the family I inherited while the friends and lovers are the family I’ve chosen.
Amen to that for sure!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your story. So many people criticize those of us who choose to end toxic relationships with our parents, citing all of the reasons you mention. I’m reminded of this Humans of New York post every time I’m feeling chastised for my decision: https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/629879113752859/
I, too, think about what it’s going to be like when my mother dies. My best friend is well aware that I’m going to be a wreck. But, I know I’m doing the right thing for myself.
That is a hilarious Facebook post. Not the post, but the first comment puts it all into prospective.
Kirsten, you might not be a wreck when she dies. That is as much a myth as the ones the author had to break through to get to a safe place. There is a good chance you have already done your grieving. A little exercise I did that really helped me which might help you: Write the ideal letter to yourself, as though penned by your mother from ‘the other side’ after she passes over and has that 20/20 hindsight and full awareness of how she affected you. Not what WOULD she say to you, but what would YOU, in a perfect world, like to read in that letter? I do this with my clients and it can be transformative.
Naomi, that sounds like a really powerful exercise; thank you for sharing. I’m definitely taking this one to heart and will give it a great deal of thought.
I came from a make believe all is wonderful and we are all so happy. In truth my father was verbally abusive to my mom who was in fear of him yet she adored and loved him and he her beyond disfunction the household. She was not
allowed to work he would threatened 2 leave us any day then what would b of us. At age seven he began verbally abusing me w/very explicit foul words at first I didn’t know meaning since I had no knowledge of sexual behavior. I know he was a miserable coward had laws been what they r now I would have called cops as teenager. As adult I feel much more heeled I no longer cry or feel sad when relating memories and feel no guilt that I’ve taken the attitude me, myself, and I. I want no photos of my dad in view or shrine to the departed either. Enough emotional and mental manipulations. I did nothing wrong by being born as often told by him I owe no apology I was born because I have a purpose and reason now
The comments I’ve read about toxic parents dying is that they are so relieved, mostly because the grieving already took place. Now they can move on without that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Excellent! I could not have said it better.
Thanks for this article. It is a good reminder about seeing through delusions of how we think think should be vs. what they actually are. It took me many decades to part with ideas about obligations to an abusive family of origin, also because it was difficult for me to create a new family of my own. I have been happily married to a loving husband (miraculously, and after much healing!). However, we did not have children while I was a younger woman, in part due to my focusing on being in recovery from much childhood trauma. It is OK now that I also have come to see my friends and surrounding communities as family. Still, there is a longing there at times for a young adult(s) child figure in my life, to be like a more traditional family. Maybe one day, this could unfold…I do not know. For now..I will love the ones in my midst 🙂
How timely. My Dad passed away last week and one blessing that came from that is I no longer feel the need to associate with my toxic ‘sister’, who has brought my parents and I nothing but pain for the last ten years.
I have toxic sister and hard when close but no need bullshit
I could have written this story as well. It is the same illusion I experienced with biological family that kept me in trauma for many years after I left the biological household. For me, the deception and the “story” of “family” was so deep, that I would walk out on the people who actually came into my life, caring about me, offering to be there with me, because they didn’t fit my idea of “family” / they weren’t the biological family that I was told was always going to be there for me. Yet it was biological “family” who had abused me in every way possible, manipulated me into a false sense of security, and didn’t care. I walked away from many wonderful friends and generous people whom I mistrusted b/c they didn’t fit my idea of proper ‘family’. As time went on and the reality of my biological situation became clear, it is the bio family that I am no longer in contact with. I now understand that we create our own families. My life is better than ever and I have peace of mind for the first time. I only wish I could get back the people I misunderstood, mistrusted and ultimately rejected.
Thank you to the author for writing this. It is an exceptional situation yet many of us do face and one in which we can be very misunderstood. Our decisions, choices and lives are valid and brave; and we all deserve peace, love, and to be surrounded by sincere ones.
Constantly, the standard advice is to Forgive. Those of us, here, are people who have forgiven, over and over, yet found no relief from the abuse and neglect. We have instead been pushed away, over and over. For everything there is a season; there is a time to forgive, and there is a time to take care of oneself. Which involves disentanglement from the abuser/walking away.
As far as people dying, I think of that as well. One thing that is clear for me is that it was Not me who made the decision to Not allow them into my life/allow a relationship with them. When I walked away, it was simply me accepting their choices; their rejection of the relationship. It is my understanding that, as abused children, we can sometimes bear an exaggerated sense of responsibility in our psyche. I try to keep aware of this and not be too hard on myself/not easy, but Best Wishes to All.
Thanks to you for your comments as well, DB. I am right there in the same sort of reality, having just experienced that moment of clarity in regards to my father and stepmother. Abuse, manipulation, head games long after I left home. I’m 36 years old and only just now able to let go of the fantasy I’d created of an idealized family. It is a strange process.
Let me recommend to you DANM, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It may not be exact but as the son of one I found this site to be the closest to a healing wakeup call as anything available to me. If you sign up on the mailing list there are things she will send to offer, some CD’s and other stuff for a price, but every email she sends out has tidbits that help you keep going and realize it’s not you that is the problem. I’ve been on her mailing list for a almost 2 years and haven’t bought anything. I’m realizing all over again that not just my mom is the problem but now facing the fact my dad is just as bad as mom however he has always been more passive so I didn’t notice. I can see me cutting them off for good, both of them. http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
Thank you so much for sharing this website. As others have shared, I could have written this story myself. I reached a point where I was done with the abuse and mean treatment.
Let us know how raising your kids works
Thank you for this. <3
I’m glad I read this comment. Now I understand why I avoided many wonderful and generous people in my life, too.
DB – Thank you for the clarity you bring! I have six siblings and a living mother. A year ago when our father passed away (he was 91), I thought it might be time for me to move closer to my family as I neared retirement. I thought since I am older than my siblings, I would retire first and then have lots of time to help out with mom who is becoming more and more dependent on health care providers. So, while I was there for the funeral, my husband and I began to look around the area (New England) to find a place to live. While there I discovered that four of my siblings viewed my desire to move closer as a plot to take away our mother’s house! Mom told my husband and I that if we needed to, we could stay with her while we looked around for a home in that area, as it was difficult to find something in New England while living in western New York. As soon as siblings heard that they all attacked my husband and I and in no uncertain terms made it abundantly clear how they felt about me. When we tried to explain what our plan was, the just ignored us and continued harassing us about trying to take mom’s house. There is no way we would ever want to live where mom lives – it’s in a congested neighborhood with traffic from hell! We are country folks, and were looking at northern New Hampshire, Maine and Vermont to live. Bottom line: we decided to cut all ties to them and bought a nice home here in western New York. They have tried several times to email me to find out what’s going on, but I have not responded and will not. I’m done with them, and are going to have a nice barbecue with good friends today. Reading your words makes me feel calmer and happier that I am doing the right thing. Thank you very, VERY much!
My sister needed care for cancer and decided I was trying to steal her home and money. Our of pure malice, she cut me off just as I was trying desperately to see that she received proper care, comfort and security as she was dying. It was heartbreaking to watch.
I took care of my mother for 6 years before she passed. It was not fun because mom kept threatening to trash the house while I was at work, and tell the cops I did it…..My sister – who cut of all ties — knew about mom but never contacted us once – she had a litany of complaints she relayed to close friends who then became angry at me.
I know what you mean when you say “Constantly, the standard advice is to Forgive.” Some people don’t understand the seriousness of certain things, and when they tell you to “forgive,” they’re showing that they live in a world where mild things happen. Tolerating abuse is not “forgiveness,” it’s rooted in fear. As healing progresses, a person naturally gravitates away from abusive interactions. You leave them to the world they’ve chosen, and you move into a higher one. You no longer resent them, because you’ve healed, and the hell of those relationships has faded away.
exactly and can’t forgive everything
Sometimes A person having the strength to walk away does a favor for everyone involved.
went thru same thing and u not alone and this awesome what people share.
Family emotional abuse can affect someone for a lifetime with low self-esteem, worth, etc. Family estrangement is more common than you think. Be wary of the forgiveness trap or to say forgiveness doormat. People overuse forgiveness to get out accountability and responsibility. forgiveness has to be on your terms and as equal to the recipient.
Thank you for sharing your story, it is so good to read of your brave journey away from toxic people. You are a wonderful person. If a parent passes away, try not to be too hard on yourself, (they were the adults who should have shown you love and cherished you as a child), You have probably done your greiving already. Live laugh and Love on your own journey alongside people who love and appreciate You xx
Thank you for this article. It is as if you wrote my story…I have been struggling for 6 years breaking away from very toxic relationships with my parents and siblings. I am getting there but there is still residual guilt. I appreciate reading your story and have hopes that one day I will wake up and not dwell on the guilt I carry for having made the decision to stop the drama, manipulation and selfish behaviors. Interesting how we both want to be “anonymous” as the stigma of terminating parental and sibling relationships still exists. There is the tough decision-then the day to day living with the decision-but there is always the judgement of others that reminds you of your guilt. But every day it does get BETTER!
very tough, and a decision I made last year and sent them a message to stay away and so hard since that a part of life so many years and why therapy is out there.
This was something SO many have needed to hear and also say for so long. Thank you for the courage to do this but especially to so perfectly share it helping countless others find their true place in this world.
I am so grateful to have read this article and comments. Tomorrow will be 2 years since my dad passed away. I spent many years before his death in a constant battle with my siblings and my mother. They are mentally abusive people. My one brother is no doubt a sociopath with narcissistic personality disorder. He has poisoned my mother’s mind beyond repair. My relationship with my mother slowly deteriorated over my father’s decade-long battle with Alzheimer’s disease. My entire life I was led to believe that my dad was not a nice person. During his illness I began to realize it was my mother who was evil. She was abusive to him while he was sick, consistently lied about his condition and kept me in the dark while manipulating me into feeling sorry for her. There’s so much damage that has been done. It was exhausting trying to maintain a relationship with my family while they gave me nothing but aggravation in return. After years of lies, deceit, mental abuse and manipulation, I decided it was time to walk away. My father was no longer on this earth. There was nothing for me to hold onto. It’s been very difficult coping with my decision even though I know it was the best decision I could make for myself and my children. I too worry about the example I am setting when I preach to my children about the importance of family and unconditional love. Then again I know my children are not being raised in the same dysfunctional environment as I was. It’s nice to see I’m not alone in my choice.
I’m not far away from moving on just like you did. Thank you ALL for all your comments, and sharing your own experience on the subject.
As I’m laying here on my bed, I can’t stop thinking on what the outcome for my family would be after I leave… I have a son and I want to make sure he grows up different than how inward brought up, in a home full of violence and abuse, lies, just a mess….
My son means the world to me and would love for him to grow up to be a great man. His Dad and I are divorced but maintain a very healthy relationship nonetheless, we are two matured individuals and want the best for the little one.
But my family,… Sigh. I just cannot deal with anymore. I’m seeking peace and my own quiet place to continue with my life.
<3
🙂 there is hope… Always!
Perhaps the most difficult thing to do in life!?! Blessings to you and you courage. Please keep inspiring others!
A–Thanks for having the courage to bare your soul by submitting this story. Given the number and lengths of these comments, I’d say you touched many. And the writing was a part of your healing.
Many years ago, after a couple of sessions with my parents, my therapist told me that there is a family problem, and that I was the one showing the symptoms, so I no longer blamed myself.
And several years after that I worked in a role-playing group to heal the relationship with my parents, and was happy to be able to do this before they died. So I no longer blamed them for my character flaws, but took on responsibility for who I was.
I realised that they did the best parenting they could, even though it was rotten, and that maybe this came from their parents behaviors, and on indefinitely into the past.
I invite you to continue to heal this wound and hope you can do it before they die.
I to walked away from a toxic family situation along with one of my sisters ,leaving my mother,another sister and brother behind as they were still living the lie that we could no longer live, that we were a normal happy family ! My father was the main abuser,( he is now dead) while my mother did nothing to help us and in her own way added to the abuse. I have now not been in touch for over 5 years and still feel the guilt of a bad daughter, what gets me through every time i think i must go and ask forgiveness is the little me inside who cries out in fear to please stay and protect her and the feeling of how toxic my life will become again.None of us ask for the childhoods we get and we should not feel guilty when we protect ourselves by walking away. We deserve a good,loving life and I do all i can to try for it. Every year i get a little bit better at realizing i am a lovable and loving person ,my husband,children and friends are proof of that. i recognize that it isn’t easy to believe but why would all the wonderful people in our lives be there if not?We are all strong. Thank you for writing this piece , and to you and everyone reading this I wish you to be as happy and whole as you can be. love and hugs to you all. Heather xxx
feel the same way and went thru that shit and they make u feel bad and u definitely not alone.
I needed that. I could have written it myself. At 30 I came to this realization. A few years later I had a brain trauma and the things I’d like to forget come back to me more often than I’d like and occasionally I go back to that former girl so desperate for approval. I also am most afraid of my son someday walking away from me, but like you I have tried to love and support him fully in hopes of breaking the cycle. It’s refreshing today to know I’m not alone.
As a parent who has lost two of my five sons because they feel we are toxic, I can tell you that it is not always because of actual abuse. Since they have never voiced their issues with us, and my other sons don’t understand either, I can only guess what their motivations are. Because we don’t know their reasons, we cannot make any changes to our behavior or whatever to heal the relationships. It is always painful to know every day my child have excluded me from their life and will not tell me why.
I have to tell you, my parents and siblings do not understand my choice to disconnect either. I can only tell you this: all children are different and have different needs. My parents treated my siblings very different than they treated me. Their expectations, rewards, punishments, experiences, and words shared with my siblings were simply not my reality so my siblings cannot see my motivation for leaving all behind. I do not care if they see things my way. I am glad my siblings have a loving relationship with my parents. No one else can truly understand the dynamics of broken relationships. There is always that couple everyone is so shocked to see file for divorce. Two truths: outsiders do not know what really happens between two people AND the failure really does fall on both parties.
And that is why we would just like to understand. maybe our hopes are too high and there never will be a relationship. But I refuse to give up.
Just say you’re sorry for the hurt you caused, admit you’re flawed, and work slowly back into your sons’ good graces. Dont give advice unless they ask, and even then be as neutral as possible. Try to help in any way you can. It’s worth respecting the men they’ve become, so long as they’re not total miscreants. It’s tragic to lose touch with your adult children. Repeat throughout your life as necessary.
Nope, I will not apologize for something I have not done. I feel badly they feel slighted, but I have nothing to apologize for.
I think all parents of “slighted” children feel this way, and because of this, the relationship can never fully be reconciled. Do you think it it easy to cut your parents out? You owe your life to these people (literally) and want nothing but to pay them back by living a productive and happy life. If you did nothing, you are implying that your children are heartless sociopaths that can just cut you out without repercussion. They did it for a reason, and that reason was more important to them than the pain involved with not speaking to your family. It’s your job to figure out what it is and APOLOGIZE for it. Otherwise, get used to life without your kid.
Fuck off
There is nothing that would ever make this person “understand.”
What do you mean by “actual abuse”? I’m sure my mother does not feel that I was “actually abused” as I was never physically abused. Yet the years of emotional abuse are what wore me down. I finally drew a line when my mother walked out on me a week after my daughter’s birth by emergency c-section, telling my husband and I that we didn’t “make an effort” to see that my mother’s wants were met. After years of only being loved when I did things the way she wanted and of trying to talk to her about it and being told I was selfish/ungrateful/mean/hateful, I have given up. It’s not even that I am excluding her – I am just not going out of my way to include her. For the most part, she chooses not to contact me (and this pre-dates our falling out). She behaves differently with my sibling, so they have a relationship.
He was one to be given the switch back in the day when we fell for the “spare the rod, spoil the child” bs, mostly because he acted out every silly thought that came into his head. And it wasn’t just when he was a child, as a pre-teen, smearing mud on a neighbor’s newly painted white house, poking holes into a neighbors screened in porch, pulling down the pants of eight year old girls. He exasperated us to no end. It’s not so much we expect them to make an effort, but to just let us know what they feel we have done and what can be done to heal the relationship to any degree.
Maybe it is in your best interest not to heal the relationship, no matter how hard it is. As parents, we need to respect the fact that our children as adults need to make their own decisions, no matter how hard it is on you.
You may have appeared wonderful to a different child, but not to the one that broke away from you. My best suggestion would be to not take it personally at some point and get counseling to accept your child’s decision. It would probably be more hurtfull and make you feel much more guilty to hear the truth.
Yes, you probably lived a life that he doesn’t want to be part of but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you were a bad parent…and yes, it is selfish and difficult to realize that our childRen want nothing to do with the parents…but in the end…don’t we want what’s best for our children? I mean setting them free is the gretest love that we can give them.
Why force a child to have contact with us? Maybe they just want a different life. We all are God’s children and they have the right to live the life that they want even if it hurts you as their parent.
If a child (as an adult) wants to abandon the parent child relationship, well than, no matter how you explain things it more than likely will not change that.
I had to break away from my biological family also, but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t love them, but I just knew that in order to fulfill the life that I was given…by God..I had to makes the most difficult decision to break away.
Trying to get the child to change his or hers mind will only add more guilt to the child who is trying to be brave.
I don’t want to go on too much, but maybe even fostering other children or creating a parent type relationship with someone else might fill a part of the painful gap that you are experiencing with the conscious decision of your son walking out of your life.
I am so sorry to know that after giving our whole life to raising a child, it ends up this way! It is such a HUGE pill to swallow!
Please work with a counselor or within yourself to know that you did the best you could, but in some situations your best may not have been enough. It doesn’t mean that you failed! It just means that (and it will be so difficult and take a while!) You will need to recreate your life, but try to relieve yourself from guilt, blaming and anger because it will not be productive. Hey, maybe this was part of the soul charting even before you were born…or you child’s soul charting for his life. God is there for you…or whichever higher power that you believe in.
Just as adult children, we want to be supported during a difficult decision, we as parents need the same support when same child caused us to accept this difficult decision.
Just be sure to talk to counselors that don’t berate your child’s decision or agree with it necessarily, but talk to one that is truly working with you to go forward in a healthy way. Sure, you will tell them your disappointments with your child’s decision, but remember, we cannot change others, we can only change the way we process and react to ourselves internally when faced with such a difficult situation such as this.
Be gentle with yourself. Will be thinking of all of us as we struggle with such difficult situations in life that may not make sense and are so hard to process!
I know that it is SO hard to realize that we raised our children to be independent, brave and strong and then in the end, they will use that same strength that we taught them to turn away from us. A very painful irony! Hang in there and don’t blame yourself because it cannot be changed. You are still a good person! No child truly understands why the parent does what they have done, and in reality they shouldn’t as children (not adults) be involved in adult discussions and decisions, but who knows at some point he will realize it come back to approach you, but if not, you will need to be able to heal yourself independent of your child.
Thank you for your words. They help me to refocus and heal within myself.
Peace
Yes, Phil. We can only heal ourselves. Hey, you may have been a fabulous parent, but not every child is alike. Please feel free to contact me if you wish… ruthannflentge@hotmail.com Well wishes my friend.
Phil bam … right in the response that starts about the switch .. the switch well we all got the switch , shoe , or belt if we’re honest… and darn right in those days your only choice , was what you knew . But now we know better. So now can we do better , I’ll tell u what I see . If I were your child and I saw you tell the world these mistakes and the term acted out every silly thought … omg. First I just don’t get talking about flaws of a person and acting like they won’t be offended … really ??? It is plain to see you have written, memorized, highlighted, dated , and alphabetised all those certain “common” child hood “actions” .. and yes every kid breaks Windows , starts fires shows his privates as he streaks out the front door … if you don’t watch them … and sometimes they look you right in the eye with a big smile while they put a rock through the window..FOR God sake kids don’t know better than to do what pops in their still forming brain . it is pretty safe to say that your poor kid set through that same list every time you felt like regurgitating it up , just for the sake of conversation. He exasperated us to no end ??? Poor you ??? Oh honey EVERY parent is EXASPERATED to no end… BUT ….. the difference between ME and you is I am fully aware and I would NOT have changed a single experience I have had with my son on his part , ONLY my own uneducated responces. He’s almost 21 ”” and my daughter is 7 ”’ so although I know it’s awful hard to be a mom and I am not even close to being a good mom , no joke … I got pregnant , as a homeless teen on drugs , I made a Very good decision to do ANYTHING it took to give that child a life , I just could not just feel bad about my life .I had to find out how to even find out what he needed. It is tragic how we treat our children… And we all LEARNED it from our mom’s , Fathers, grandparents . I mean FIND out what love is … God introduced HIS son Jesus … HE said THIS is MY SON in whom I Am WELL PLEASED. Not Ya that’s my kid.I sure hope he doesn’t BLOW this , because he DID take off and go to the temple that day with out telling his Mom . And then that time he brought that Ole stinky bird and frog in the kitchen and used ThE good dishes … Ya boy JESUS sure we a hassle but you know his Mom was a teen aged unwed mother … and … WOW … NO … Find a NEW example …not what abused people taught thru our generations … molestation , spousal abuse, drug addiction , alcohol consumption while parenting , one parent homes with dad or mom coming and going … all these are things that I noticed had bad parent modeling present. Even if I Could have stayed clean forever and never relapsed in my kids lifetime there is such deep rooted beliefs in my parenting I still want to just throw up when I see them in me … because I feel I should have KNOWN what I did was WRONG and seen I was hurting my children …and it makes me feel bad that my mom and her mom and so on have been just hurting the next not knowingly . Remember ITS hurt people , THAT hurt people. I AM TOTALLY HURT … I feel it in my heart … so I think how is my pain getting passed on to my kids… OH and by the way my dad is passing from this life any minute … I had to walk away … and I HURT so very much my heart is literally breaking … and for periods of time I feel like I can’t breath ..I don’t even think of him like I use to I haven’t missed him in a long time because I know he is a junkie who never came around for anything good … But even though I know he was so very not ok ever . bad bad like evil …. but I love him and I have no way to stop feeling the anger that I am getting robbed right now … I hoped one day I would get to meet the best parts of him … well just telling you guys It SUCKS so very bad no matter what they are.
this is a really amazing and wonderful reply… thanks Christy x
Abuse comes in many forms. Bruises go away but the mental abuse stays with a person for a lifetime. You could start by talking to the sons that still want to talk with you and ask them to please tell you how they think their childhood was. Let them talk and listen to them and let them know you want them to be very open. If two of your sons dont want to bother with you there is something there.
it is the way of things today. first was the morals that was the 60’s, than it was family values that was the 90’s , than came don’t agree with me people ended family’s the oo’s. Its happening right now over this Clinton Trump nightmare. But I say if you need to have a year of family counseling, try that first. and see what can be done to help the mental ill people in the family first. to many times, some one gets sick, and ever one runs for the hill. leaving the wife husband or kids to deal with it on their own. I was one and I was 14 years old my father walked out when my mother was told she was dying and had may be 6 month, if she didn’t stop drinking. I had two younger sister that I try my best to watch out for. It would have been nice, to have my two older sisters help, but they had their own life I was told and it was to hard for them to deal with Mom. the uncharitable, self centeredness was the call of my family. friends are great you pick them, but no one gets to pick your family. If its physical abuse yes you have to save your self. But if its things that have gotten out of control over who said what and who did what that stuff can be clear up by counseling. And if you don’t get it clear up you have a good therapist that can help you walk away.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is in some ways my story as well, only few people know it. Although I have worked on these issues in many ways throughout much of my life, I still have difficulty telling people about it for some reason. I am now in my 60’s. I admire and respect your strength and courage. Thank you again!
Hello
Thank you for sharing your experience. In an ideal world, our family would be our greatest source of strength and support, everyone would get along for the most part…but it just isn’t always like that.
And when it’s not, the misguided beliefs that you stick by family no matter what,etc..can be a huge source of stress. The idea that we should let people manipulate, abuse and do all other kinds of things, but then have to put up with it because they are ‘family’ is crazy when you think about it. We can make an effort to repair relationships, set boundaries and other strategies to try and make for smoother relations, but if that isn’t working, then some tough decisions may need to be made.
Man..all I could do when I read this is cry..im shaking like crazy and i know why..i just want to thank you all for having the courage to bring this issue out in the open..Iwill turn 58 years old tomorrow and you have just saved my life.
I had a rough childhood as well. My father was a traveling salesman, so was gone for months at a time. Even so, he didn’t earn much money. My mother tried hard to raise 3 kids alone and work 3 jobs. My dad would finally come home when he was too drunk to work. On top of everything else, my mom had to then try to help him through the DTs, until he could sober up. Then, the yelling started up. It was mostly a continual cycle of hell. I got some reprieve when I went away to college. During that time, my parents finally divorced. And, dealing with them individually was easier. About that time, I took up meditation. As I became more aware of, and sensitive to negative energy, I grew further away from my family. And I needed that, in order to get my own life on track. A few years on, my practice was firmly established, and I could defend against negative energy much better (mostly by being in control of when to put myself into contact with it or not). I was also learning unconditional love as my base practice. In that practice, you see that everyone has buddha nature, it’s just that some are more confused than others. So, looking back at my parents, I realized that they were buddhas too, just struggling with the awareness that they had. With that realization, I could finally forgive them. OMG, when I did that it was like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. At that point, I could reestablish ties with my family, and I really enjoyed their company. They were imperfect people trying as hard as they could, with what they had. In a way, all of that drama pointed me in the direction of my salvation… unconditional love. I’m happy to say I was able to be in their lives until the end. I really believe that you incarnate with specific people, or in a specific circumstance to learn something. For me, it was to learn to love, and forgive even the worst behavior. I hope you find this peace for yourself! Love!
I have forgiven my family. I know the history and how they came to be the way they are.
But I do not need to go back to see them. That last time when they pretended I wasn’t there, I got the hint.
I am glad it has worked out for you.
But some families are far too damaged to return to, although I still love them and hope for the best for all of them, they simply do not love me. I tried. I didn’t succeed, and now, I’m safely gone.
Finally! Other people who have made the same decision as myself. The circumstances around having to disown/cut off parents and/or extended family are always extremely difficult/stressful and it has always irked me how other people brush off my decision or feelings about it by saying insensitive comments like “Oh I’m sure they aren’t that bad” “She’s your mother – you should love her” etc.
The truth of the matter is this – it doesn’t matter if you are related by blood to someone, if two people don’t get along or have a toxic relationship then you have EVERY right to walk away from it in order to take care of yourself. Just because that person is your mother, father, sister does not mean you should torture and stress yourself out because society tells us “blood is thicker than water” “family is everything”.
I have never been happier than the day I lay on the floor of my first apartment and heard nothing but silence. There was no yelling, nagging, put downs, guilt trips – I was in control of my life and I could do whatever I wanted. I knew that I had made the best decision of my life.
Yes it sucks to see my friends and husband and their healthier family units, it makes me sad and wistful but the reality is some people are incapable of change (narcissists, abusers) and we need to accept that taking care of ourselves first is the best thing to do.
I get you Tara. I can totally relate. I have had a really tough time. My mother and father had six children. I was born very late so my position was the role of the only child. This caused in itself great grief. A lot of jealousy came my way from the older children, who I honestly barely knew. The oldest child is 22 years my senior. I was at the mercy of one sibling who was very, very abusive to me. She would catch me off guard with comments out of the blue. I never knew how to react to it, so I never did. I didn’t know how to handle it. The sad thing was I couldn’t’ figure out what I did wrong and wanted to fix it. I would run around after her like a begging dog to try and make things better, but this seemed to make things worse. Even I was 12, I left my bike in the driveway, it was new. She pulled in with her car and could definitely see it. Nashe ran over it. I cried and said she just said to me, that’s what happens. Another time she had bought a kitten. It was really little. It had been given table scraps and made a mistake on the couch from having diarrhea. She picked it up by the neck, said get in the car to me. We drove down a road in a snow storm. I asked her what we were doing. She said throw it out in the field. I said no and she grabbed it and threw it out in the deep snow. I was shocked. She threatened me if I went back t get it. I cried for hours. I phoned my mom. When my sister was at work we went out looking for the kitten but we couldn’t find it. I still feel sick over it. These are two examples of her abuse. My mother always said she had a very sharp manner and tongue and could reduce people to a grain of salt in a second if she wanted. My confusion was that she seemed to have no compassion, yet she can make people feel really good by knowing exactly what to say. I know, I’ve experienced it.
As years went on, it got worse. I couldn’t enter a family gathering without her acting out towards me. I was unfortunately made the executor of my parent’s Will and the POA, because I was so much younger than everyone. Now I have decided to give it up to someone else. Fortunately for them I am a very honest person, which they will realize after my mom has passed. I’ve been the one who has paid for a lot of things out of my own pocket. It is not a good position to be in, I don’t recommend it. Unfortunately, because I never knew what I was going to experience with my sibling, especially at a gathering, I had to cut the connection off with her and my niece because the two of them live together, and are now a team of abuse. I think my sister gets my niece to do some dirty deeds. I seem to be their entertainment and for some reason they know more about me than I do. I’ve become their obsession and they are extremely mad because I won’t see them. My sister always says that she has not been treated the same as the other children. She also cannot be alone. Her daughter and two children and husband all live together. She at one time had disowned her other daughter for moving out of the country to have her own life apart from her mother’s.
The issue for me was they made it their goal to spread untrue rumours about me to the other siblings and their families on various topics about me. I have a sister that wanted me to know what was being discussed so she filled me in. In return I was shunned by the other family members who believed her. Sounds crazy I know.
I always thought I had a good relationship with my daughter. That I was blessed, but my daughter started seeing my sister and niece and she too has become infected with their toxic behaviour. Very sad. My daughter is going to give birth, and I have not been informed of a time in which to come and rejoice, however, they have. I realized at this point, I can’t do anything about how anyone is going to think or what their decisions will be. I am forced to painfully let go. A birth, and what should be an exciting day for me, is not in the cards for me. My daughter is young and doesn’t know the history of what’s happened. I don’t want to start talking about them, because it will make things worse all around. Right now I’m sitting silent and can only hope that Karma will take care of things.
So….to make a long story short, I am actually in the process of realizing that I am on my own. I am familiness. Sometimes I have my moments when things don’t go so well in the outside world, but I’ll be ok. I always enjoyed my own company, thank goodness. I realized the other day, I’ve always been on my own. I’ve always had to do my own thing. I do have friends and keep myself involved so that’s good. Unfortunately I have a chronic illness and do worry that I could end up dying on my own, but I’m getting to the point where that might have to be okay too.
🙁 I’d like to extend a hand in friendship to you Lola if you like? I have experienced a lot of hurt also… but have only one sister (who ignores me)… and am very isolated also… melinsky@ymail.com
nb: what she did to the kitten (and you) is psychopathic behaviour.
(!)
Bless you — I’ve been rescuing and advocating for cats for 44 years now — it never seems to get better for those innocent beings but at least the resources out there are much more visible and accessible.
I learned the hard way, and luckily my child was very young so we got out before any further infections could be started: A woman who scapegoats her daughter will scapegoat her daughter’s daughter and also attempt to scapegoat her daughter’s daughter’s daughter.
One simply cannot allow one’s own child around those that abused them. It does not get better.
I hope your daughter will mature and see the light. Why is being toxic to one’s family such an enjoyable hobby, these days?
Dear Lola I’m so very sorry you have been the target of what sounds like a text book narcissist. The pitting the others against you. No compassion for the kitten. It’s NPD on steroids and you are better off away from your sister and anyone who will share information about you with her.
Maybe you should speak honestly to your adult daughter. I no longer speak to my narcissist mother and my dad is pretty self centered and hasn’t ever gone out of his way to get to know me or spend time alone with me. My parents divorced when I was five. In my 40’s, I can’t believe I’m still struggling over not feeling cared for or respected as an adult. Determined to push through it and move on in love and peace, I found this article. May we all build up our own network big or small of loving people who celebrate us, not abuse us. You are not alone.
Hi Lola, I am a true animal lover. I will KILL your sister for killing that kitten. Tell me where she lives. I will literally STAB her to death!!
You should stay away from animals you sycophant. You caused problems and your whole family hates you. Did you get your crab situation fixed yet ho bag?
way to go and cats and dogs are family and how would that sister like it if we dropped her off.
I absolutely love you for saying that. Mom made me give up my cat whom I raised from a tiny kitten, when we moved away — I had to leave her with a lady who kept her cats outside and my cat was not spayed (because Mom forbade it — It is God’s will….!” she would say angrily) My heart still breaks. Believe me or not my cat came to me in a dream one night to let me know she was dying. She HAD died, so I found out later…. Decades later (and many other cats later who lived long and happy lives with me, and were spayed and neutered) I still GRIEVE my loss
And Lola, my mom also spoke bad about me to my son I later figured out after going no contact. It’s part of the narcissist web of manipulation.
Your sister is what I call a very acidic person that you must get from around. Anyone that would treat you so ignorant is just that ignorant and you need to get them out of your life before it is to late & something bad happens, because everyone has their breaking point. If I were you I would get the heck out of there and leave those evil monsters in there hateful stew and I would move to a whole other city and I would not tell them where I went and I would only talk to my daughter and go and build you a family of friends because they sound like monsters. I am currently on my way to clean house of family and when I leave I am going to leave them all behind and I am going to build my self a new positive family of friends in the new city where I move & I am saying good bye forever because negative dysfunctional family members are something that I can do without. I can walk in and say to my Mom, oh it is a very beautiful day, then she would probably say something negative no matter what and I have never cared if people are true blood or not, if they are an *ss, then get them out of your life and if it is a major problem like yours and mine I say move away and never look back because wasting your life getting treated bad by people that are suppose to be your family is simply just not worth it no matter if they are family or not, no one is worth receiving bad treatment. I want positive uplifting people in my life no matter if they are family or friends, but the negative ignorant irritants have got to go especially me being Aries because you can only poke us Aries so many times before we turn around and take a bite out of the person and I don’t mean a real bite but a ballistic going off on the person. I usually will warn my negative family members and I will say, you know how I get down so you should stop before I snap and then they usually stop because I do not take any crap and not many Aries do without something going BOOM snap ballistic snapping. If a person a positive with me/Aries then we are fine and calm, but if they act crazy and say some messed up stuff to an Aries, then I say run because it is about to be world war 3 literally, so I know that it is best for me to leave from around these negative people because I want to smile and I want to be around others that want to smile and be happy also and I do not need family to do that because I can do that with new friends instead and you should also. Get out of there before it’s to late because I know I’m going to and I will never look back! Plus I’m one of those people who don’t like contrast and arguments because to me they are a waste of time and a waste of good energy that could be used more productive having a respectful conversation, so I do not do well with volatile people at all.
Your sister is what I call a very acidic person that you must get from around. Anyone that would treat you so ignorant is just that ignorant and you need to get them out of your life before it is to late & something bad happens, because everyone has their breaking point. If I were you I would get the heck out of there and leave those evil monsters in there hateful stew and I would move to a whole other city and I would not tell them where I went and I would only talk to my daughter and go and build you a family of friends because they sound like monsters. I am currently on my way to clean house of family and when I leave I am going to leave them all behind and I am going to build my self a new positive family of friends in the new city where I move & I am saying good bye forever because negative dysfunctional family members are something that I can do without. I can walk in and say to my Mom, oh it is a very beautiful day, then she would probably say something negative no matter what and I have never cared if people are true blood or not, if they are an *ss, then get them out of your life and if it is a major problem like yours and mine I say move away and never look back because wasting your life getting treated bad by people that are suppose to be your family is simply just not worth it no matter if they are family or not, no one is worth receiving bad treatment. I want positive uplifting people in my life no matter if they are family or friends, but the negative ignorant irritants have got to go especially me being Aries because you can only poke us Aries so many times before we turn around and take a bite out of the person and I don’t mean a real bite but a ballistic going off on the person. I usually will warn my negative family members and I will say, you know how I get down so you should stop before I snap and then they usually stop because I do not take any crap and not many Aries do without something going BOOM snap ballistic snapping. When people are positive with me/Aries then we are fine and calm and we will stay that way forever, but if they act crazy and say some messed up stuff to an Aries, then I say run because it is about to be world war 3 literally, so I know that it is best for me to leave from around these negative people because I want to smile and I want to be around others that want to smile and be happy also and I do not need family to do that because I can do that with new friends instead and you should also. Get out of there before it’s to late because I know I’m going to and I will never look back! Plus I’m one of those people who don’t like contrast and arguments because to me they are a waste of time and a waste of good energy that could be used more productive having a respectful conversation, so I do not do well with volatile people at all
I have ended up completely alone. You know the Eagles song, ‘Wasted Time’ from Hotel California? I was always drawn to the line, “You never thought you’d be alone, this far down the line.” And it’s actually happened to me.
First my parents died; totally abusive and dysfunctional family life they ‘provided’, although I never found the courage to actually walk away from them. I did live abroad for years but popped back for visits. Then my younger brother, who I had loved very much, decided he didn’t want to have anything to do with me any longer. It’s because I’m a single parent, I think. He’s worried in case I might ever ask him for something, imo. He confided in me about something personal between him and his wife, and I think he regretted doing so. Easier to cut me loose??
My elder brother I decided myself to ‘cut loose’. He’d abused me as a child, and I just felt the time was right to let him go. He’d continued to abuse me emotionally as an adult. He even contaminated his daughter’s mind against me; telling her lies. This is what really dysfunctional families are like.
After bringing up my son as a single parent from birth, he has slowly withdrawn from me and towards his partner’s family. He has been with this partner since age 18; he’s nearly 28. I gave them a 20% deposit towards buying their first home in January this year, and have seen her twice but not since the end of January. I’ve seen my son a few times more but now his ‘visits’ are for a few minutes, not very often. It is very painful but on the other hand, I’m glad he has found a ‘family’ in her family. I find myself relieved in some ways and heartbroken in others. It’s difficult to explain. I do worry about dying alone but it is, what it is. I feel like telling my son not to come around anymore as it’s embarrassing for me and I’m sure for him. His partner hates my guts, so sure I’ll never see her again. Isn’t life wonderful? 🙁
Yannix… I can relate in all the above. I went no contact with my mother close to seven years ago, She’s a toxic narcissist & like anonymous wrote in the main piece, I too had somehow hoped all the dysfunction & horrific abuse that I suffered at the hands of this narcissistic woman would one day stop & that she’d realize what a good daughter & person I am & I too lived the illusion that we could actually be a loving family… Laugh my ass off. The straw that broke the camels back had to do with the Holiday’s… It’s always something about the Holiday’s… I was brought up being a people pleaser, it was a surviving mechanism & what happens when your mother has an undiagnosed mental / personality disorder she would never acknowledge or get help for & definitely needs meds. Each day revolved around her mood & that could change from one minute to the next. So, I learned to be a people pleaser at a very young age & a piece maker & the scapegoat & take all the abuse to save someone else from having to, or as a way to prevent her from causing an embarrassing scene. I spent my entire life being treated like crap, & unloved because there was no love….You see I was no longer willing to host the Holiday’s at my place. I might as well have been a restaurant. I’d bust my ass every year making the entire meal, just so they could show up, eat & leave. How dare I bring up rotation, or participation in these holiday meals, what nerve I had… Neither she or my brother stepped up to say anything, their both narcissists, if I wasn’t going to continue hosting, catering, cooking, cleaning & sending them out with leftover’s, then they weren’t interested…I decided I was finally done with the illusion of family that I’d created & hoped for.
There’s never been any love between us but, there’s been plenty of abuse, dysfunction, lies & pain.
When I went no contact with my mother, it wasn’t hard at all. I immediately realized how one sided the relationship always was. I was the one who did all the reaching out. She just took whatever it was I was giving & my brother, whom I was a mom & care giver to & I would be the diversion placing myself between my mother & he when she’d have one of her episodes flying into rages for no reason, she would beat us physically while telling us what pieces of crap we were. Last summer he stopped talking to me & told me he no longer had a sister. He’s always been the golden boy. So, my son who will be 31 this year & I was always close with & he just as close to me, my mother used to say we were two pea’s in a pod. She was very jealous of the closeness we shared, his father, my ex passed a year & three months ago & my son greeted me at the door when I got the news & went over to offer my love & support, & informed me that I was not welcome there & I needed to leave immediately. I was very shocked & confused & I still am. He told me this as my mother who didn’t even care for my ex, but she found her way over there lickety split & stood right next too him trying not to smirk as my son was telling this & my son hasn’t spoken to me since. I was a great mother to my boy, after what I grew up in, I vowed that my son would never be treated like I was. So, losing him was & still is devastating he wasn’t just my son, he was like a best & dear friend. Now, it’s just me. I have a few friends that I’ve always considered more family to me than my dysfunctional family ever was & I have myself. But, I’m okay with it, I like myself, I like the person that I am & I’ll always be a work in progress & I’m okay with that. When it comes right down to it, there’s you & nature, as my best friend for over 30 years who passed away 6 years ago once told me, & she’s right. I can honestly say, that I did one helluva job of being a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a wife & a mother, & it really is their loss, so excuse my French when I say, if they don’t like everything I’ve done, given provided & gone out of my way for out of nothing but goodness & the true unconditional & non judgemental love from my heart that accompanied it all, & without ever having any expectation of anything in return, & they aren’t willing to sit down & none is willing to dit down & ever have an adult discussion with me because, clearly its much easier for them to be toxic, parasitic assholes, yes, I truly wish them all well & don’t want anything bad for anyone, but seriously, then fuck them…
God & I are good, & I like who I am & that’s something I couldn’t always say coming from what I did…I’m moving on, growing, & always making progress to better myself & that’s all that really matters in the end.
it hard and it takes time to get that feeling after a while to stay away and I know I struggle with that and u not alone and bio family can be replaced with friends.
Everyone here who has had these horrible experiences (including me) — YOU are GREATER than ANY bad stuff that could happen to you. I used to take my little bird identification book and tree id book and grab the bus at lunch hour to go to a nearby park in a safe location because the people I worked with were pieces of work……I still have those books and am now a local tree steward as well. All this stuff that Creation gives us to enjoy DOES bring joy — why not love the beauty that exists around us (and in us) before we leave this earth.
that terrible, that animal abuse
that phyco, cat, dog or human not needs abuse
OMG I am SO ANGRY at what she did to that kitten!! May it rest in peace. And I am so SORRY about what she did to you!! I used to run after my mom saying “Do you love me?!” Do you love me!!??” -Does your sister have any pets? I would call the local shelter anonymously and tell them to put a DNA (Do Not Adopt) on her, citing animal abuse. (I actually had to do that about my sister after she reconciled and got back to communicating with the family– when I found out what Sis had done to her cats, it was unforgivable) I may die alone too — I just say to God “Dear God, I’m all yours!” and I try to be a decent person. What resources are available to you in your community? Friends? Meetings? Groups? Whatever you choose to do you will be OK. Universe loves us with a deep deep love.
This. So. Much. <3
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” – the original full quote is saying that literal blood, shed with and for your ‘brothers’ is stronger than family ties.
So yeah, next time some family member tries to pull that one on you, agree, flip them the bird, and walk away.
Or one could say, “I’ve already given enough blood to Red Cross,” and leave a with a smile.
I just thought of that, but I always try to exit any situation with a smile on my face even if I can’t provoke one elsewhere. That way my karma is super shiny, and their last memory of me is a joke.
I couldn’t do that with the family, though, had to go through it to become strong enough to be able to make a joke of it, just now. I was quite wounded for a very long time.
I did this. It was liberating. Eheheheh… I was never good to them, so why fight it? I embraced it with gusto. Flipped them and walked away.
Mee too!
I have five siblings most of whom only talk to me when they want something, my oldest brother is pure toxic. He tells lies to two of my other brothers so they’ll treat me bad. This all happened when I quit letting them use me or only call when they wanted something (babysitter, money, help with car, etc.). It hurt because I always thought we were close but I see that was an illusion, a way for me to pretend it was ok, “that’s what family does” etc. it got really bad after my dad died, we never really got along he was not a good man. My four brothers spent life pretending he was even inviting him to what used to be separate holidays (him and my mom divorced when I was very young due to alcohol, cheating and abuse) at my moms house regardless of how uncomfortable it made us women (he also molested my sister) because even thought he made in appropriate comments to me a lot and still to my mom it was “just the way he is.” When I was younger I fought with them to try and get them to see I wasn’t any worse then they were but after I turned 29 I just quit realizing they would always treat me like a “bastard child,” I grew out of it, got therapy, healed myself and now because I won’t participate and backed away from them I’m a piece of shit. It’s hard because I have an anxiety disorder but I am much less stressed even though I miss them.
I have 5 siblings but no brothers or sisters, what am I?…such a strange riddle.
The cycle of abuse can be broken. You cured yourself by working with a therapist. Therapy clears away the illusions because you hear your own thoughts and objective comments. It is work. Keep telling yourself: you were not born mentally ill. Therapy is healing the wound caused by “family”.
I support you and that damn right and bio family causes anxiety most of the time.
Mine too. Only call when they want something so I don’t answer the phone or the door! They treat me like crap and expect them to help them out? They are dullisional!! Just remember, if your parents treated you like crap, the other toxic siblings are going to have to take care of them in their old age! I already told my sister in law (my mother’s favorite) “my mother favored 1 brother and 1 sister and treated the rest of us like crap so your going to have to pay for her home she’s going in and you are going to take care of her! So you better start saving your money!” And my brother is a very selfish person and treats people like shit. There in for a RUDE AWAKENING! Not my problem. She made it this way.
maninpulation and users and family can fall in that category and friends are better and not to mention own
“It can’t be that bad, she’s your mother”, and other gaslighting tricks. Whoever says these things are as insensitive as the abusers, for they cannot see beyond their own nose that they were not there, were not inside your head, and did not feel what you felt.
Family is who we make not bio waste
Awesome u do well i going thru that
A huge thank you for everyone who has read and commented. I am truly grateful for the support. I am especially glad if these words have helped in any small way.
You wrote my story I cannot believe how much relief you gave me disowned entire family inn 2014
sometimes a journey into the unknown is what it takes for us to become the person we were meant to be
Beautiful…thank you
I broke my “Birth family contract” on 2014 too..As hard as it’s being to adjust I’m still strongly moving forward..sending you good vibes!
They have helped.
Excellent article. Your parents’ lesson finally got through. Sometimes it’s in the actions instead of the words and this kind of action is difficult to put a positive spin on. But it’s there.
Both my parents died recently; I’m 61 years old. There were actually no tears for either of them, just a bit of sadness for the parents I never had. I actually feel better with them gone. It seems like them just being on the planet was a bit draining for me. Now I feel a bit lighter and find that I actually forgive them completely now. Forgiveness is the key. Sometimes it’s too difficult to forgive someone still alive, but when they die then it’s the right time to let that last morsel of pain go. Forgiveness is the only way through the pain to freedom.
Sometimes u dont feel guilty for things and cant forgive
What an inspiring article to read, this is all to
true for me and something I realised when I was 21. I have no contact
with any of my blood relations and although I lost contact first with
my parents (11yrs ago) the hardest to let go of was my brothers and
sister. Unfortunately the damage in them was so clear but none aware
of their problems in order to change. Drinking and drugs took over
one of my brother who became equally as abusive as our mother. I
tried to fix my relationships with them but was constantly battling
against their demons that I finally lost all contact around five-six
years ago. For me it is much better, I’ve had years to start
repairing the damage my childhood caused that now I’m in my 30s I’ve
recovered from the majority of abuse. I feel confident that the cycle
of abuse will not pass onto my children, when I have them. I’m sure
that I will not have any feelings on hearing about my parents passing
other than its sad to hear about someone dying. For a long time I
also held onto a fantasy of the perfect family and that one day my
mother would realise her mistakes and change. At 26 I suddenly
stopped believing that would happen and felt completely free of them.
A friend asked me if I ever missed my family to which I
replied…only the idea I had of them.
feel the same way and my better half helped me realized those things and no in my 40’s realize not live by guilt and this is life and sometimes family toxic. This should have happened 20 years ago being with my wife and then by now the guilt would cease. be strong and I know I have to.
I could have written this article, except it is my mother whom I had to divorce. My father was the “peace keeper” and I made a silly death bed promise that I would look after my mother after he died. I tried, and tried until my depression got the worse of me and I wanted access to my inheritance so I could get the medical treatment my father would have provided me with. My mother’s loving advice was if I wanted to kill myself I should go ahead and do it, the world would be better off without me….. Unfortunately for her, I’m too smart and even more stubborn. I decided I should stick around if only to make her life a living hell. My departure from this earth would be too easy for her.
Even though I had not celebrated holidays with my biological family in decades, cutting that final cord with my mother was tough. I went through the guilt. I kept hearing her say “the only ones you’ll ever have is your biological family…. How scary!
I’m extremely fortunate that I’ve had a fabulous family that went from being my inlaws to my outlaws and they were the ones that rescued me and helped me put my life back together.
My mother (and siblings – but it started with my mother) also encouraged me to kill myself when I was very psychologically unwell during my late teens. My mother couched it in ‘loving’ terms. I am 33 now with a child who is nearly a teenager, and only recently have I come to accept that what my mother did was the opposite of loving. There is no way on earth I would treat my child that way. I am so glad you did not keep the promise to your father to your own detriment. Your life matters too. It matters immensely.
“My parents were never who I thought them to be. I have had to let it all go. The fantasy of the perfect ending with them is over. I am setting out on a new horizon where I have redefined my world”. When I read this I had all I could do to not break down in tears. I am 66 years old and the guilt of turning away from my parents years ago has, not to sound overly dramatic, haunted me ever since. Thank you for this.
Brave, Clear and Thoughtful Article. I’ve heard about stories of parents acting totally against the spirit of parenthood. I fully agree that any highly abusive relationship should be terminated straighaway that includes the ones with Parents or Siblings. Sooner the better! (of course after reasonable efforts and time)
I am going through this process right now. I, too, am over forty and only now am beginning to come to a sense of self and seeing the truth of what happened. It was ugly and what I did was take a lot of the nonsense and acted out self-destructively. Eight years I have been recovering in many areas. I have not been going to family events for many years but have been more avoiding, controlling of situations. Now I am finally being honest with family members and telling them that I chose not to go and am walking away because this is what I need for me. I do not want to participate in sharing the lies, manipulation, deceit, minimizing, disrespect any longer. It is too toxic!! However, it is hard. But I, too, am fortunate to have many good people around me supporting me especially through this time. This is exactly what I needed to read today. Abrazos!!
I want to use this medium to thank this great prophet who brought happiness to my life again, Have been married for 3years now and i cant conceive any child, my mother in-law, begin to hate on me even when i visit her, she ignores me, with this reaction from my husband people, i felt abandon, i tired all pill and consultation, but all prove abortive, until i was browsing through the internet and i saw a testimony of a woman who saved her marriage from divorce.Immediately i picked courage to give a try,When i contacted prophet osaze he requested for my information and current state of my marriage and assured me that i will smile again and all those who hate on me, will now worship me.Behold after 48hours of prayer section on phone an via email with him, i experienced changes in my life style, my mother in-law called me to check on me and her son, she has never done this for 2years now, i was suprise and fully convinced when she came over to our house during the weekend to check on us, with her two other daughters. the all apologized for ignoring me and hating on me.To be short, in 4weeks of this section prayer completed, i conceived and my marriage is blessed with a baby boy. We all happy and will forever be grateful to this man. I agure all woman and men with marital or relationship problem to contact prophet Osaze via email: spirituallove @@ hotmail. com, today..
My partner has tried to tell me that my family is toxic. I still have a hard time seeing it, but I have cut off contact and we moved away from them. I have some contact with my mom and I feel like a bad daughter for not trying harder to have a closer relationship with her, even though my partner is against that. Any advice to help me open my eyes?
I feel as though I could have wrote this.
Mostly everything you have said is true to me (apart from fearing my life).
It’s been almost two years since I broke contact with my parents and two sisters. I do however still have a feeling of sadness, question why it is they dislike me.
What in my life have i ever done to them to make them all treat me/and make me feel the way they do.
I will never find the answers to these questions and it is a struggle to move on. But I will, with my own 3 children and husband right beside me.
Thank you for writing and sharing this article. I commend the brave decision to walk away from your parents – something I cannot imagine a child ever really wanting to do unless necessary. Nearing the end of last year I decided to cease contact with my mother, sisters, and my whole family of origin. During my early childhood my father abused me terribly. He also used the divide & conquer technique – did not abuse all children. My older sister in particular was his ‘princess’; untouched on a pedestal. I was my father’s primary victim within the family unit because of my temperament and how well I took to his conditioning. In my life, I have paid a massive toll for what my father did. Last year, out of the blue, I became suicidal. For years I thought I had healed from my past. I became more and more suicidal over the course of 7 months. Dangerously close in the end. At the same time, my eyes were slowly opening to reality. I saw my mother for who she really was; highly destructive and manipulative. My life was not my own – at age 33. Finally, I cut contact with my mother and everybody from my family of origin – my mother had worked to drive a wedge between me and everybody else over the years, anyway; creating isolation. A couple of weeks after I stopped having contact with my mother, my intense suicidal thoughts dissipated. A couple of weeks after that, I was able to attend my first mindfulness course. The course proved transformative. Just as the course was starting though, my daughter lost a very important teacher who she was close with. He committed suicide – the same way I was going to do it myself. My husband and I took our girl to her teacher’s funeral. I stood with my arm firmly around my daughter’s shoulder as we watched her teacher’s coffin being loaded and driven away in the hearse. During the funeral service, the teacher’s friend spoke. She said that the teacher had been a proponent of mindfulness, and she wanted to teach us a mindfulness technique on his behalf. So, right then and there we were taught a breathing technique. It felt like an important message, that made my experience of the mindfulness course even more vital. Months later, my daughter still struggled with the reality of her teacher’s suicide. He was a very good man. A kind, gentle human being. I am working at being more that kind of person, for my daughter and husband now. Mindfulness is transforming my life. I’ve come to realise that when we are on the right path, the road truly does rise up to meet us. I believe I was suicidal due to a subconscious battle between what I wanted to be true, and the actual reality that slowly dawned on me. I still wish for my mother, my sisters, aunties and uncles. But it’s an empty wish – a wish for something that never was. It takes strength to face up to a deeply held delusion. I am thriving now, like I never have before in my life. Best wishes for you anonymous – and for everybody on this journey.
I haven’t completely cut off from my family but I lost interest in them in the last year and no longer feel part of any family. That isn’t sad for me, if anything it’s very relieving. I thought I had an obligation to them, and I don’t. It was when my friends started to point out how critical they all were of me and how shocked they were when I relayed what had been said to me just after it had been said that I felt confidence that it was ok to just not care about them anymore.
I don’t miss them, but I also don’t feel any anger or negative emotion. Sometimes I pick up the phone if they call, but it depends which one of them it is and how much I can be bothered. I think they probably feel the same way about me so I don’t feel I have hurt anyone.
Some people have close families, others don’t. I don’t buy the whole ‘being grateful’ thing. If you don’t feel you gain anything from a relationship you shouldn’t be in it.
I need to read this, so much tonight. Your story is SO SO similar to my own. And I’m currently struggling to accept what has happened and move forward. I haven’t talked to my mother in 6 months. Same situation, abuse, trauma, feel scared and nervous, she put me through a mess as a child. I do not plan on ever talking to her again, and I’m okay with that. But lately I’ve been struggling with blaming myself, even though it is her who has caused this damage. I needed this so much tonight. Thank you for sharing your story.
Bravo! Check out the work of Alice Miller; she’s 100% aligned with your brave, truthful rationale.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I was raised in a cult that teaches anyone who questions the religion or chooses to leave should be shunned. Whether that person is family or not. Over the years, my entire family started to leave, I was the last one out. This created an intense desire within me to preserve and improve my relationships with each of my family members. Over the last 4 years since I’ve left, I have accomplished that, except for with my mother. 18 months of conversations and emails of her refusing to accept her role, and deflecting the blame to everyone from my father to my wife, and I finally had it. I stopped beating around the bush, and told her exactly how I felt. She responded by saying we’re done, and to have a nice life. After everything our family has been through, she still can’t break that cult mentality of all or nothing. Surprisingly, I wasn’t hurt. In fact it was a massive weight off of my shoulders. What I’ve come to know is unconditional love is learned, it’s not biological. I fear that one day my child will have the same issues with me, but I think just having that fear is enough motivation to prevent it from happening, or at the very least, handle the situation better than my mother did.
I dont know how to thank you for such a post. I am struggling to make a decision, my problem is with my emotionally abusive father and he has been like this always, but I cant leave my mom with him and I am preparing to move out with my mom and my son soon. It is really relieving to know that there are other people who think like me and there is nothing wrong with severing ties even with parents who are emotionally abusive. Even if my father dies, I wont be sad or anything, so much I have suffered since my childhood. I too was trying to living in a dream called happy family for long, now it is time for me to come out into reality. Thanks once again.
Great article, good reminder that I am on the right road. Unfortunately most people don’t see it like something positive when you break (old) bonds with family and friends and you’ll experience a lot of rejection on the road. However, only when you can break free from these bonds and allow yourself to live YOUR life and not the life of someone else, you’ll find the ultimate freedom.
This REALLY hit home with me today……I was raised in a cult as well where “God” was put before family and that his teachings were straight from the New World Translation….I officially cut off my mother 12 years ago, after I confronted her with the sexual abuse with my father and she simply said coldly “if you leave “the truth” we are going to have nothing to do with you” LONG story short I had to take matters in my own hands and write her a hand written note discussing our last discussion and if that was the way she felt than I am cutting her off as well (mental preservation) ….My husband and 2 children moved across the country for a fresh start to get away from all the toxic nonsense and there are days that I feel so alone and that no one “gets it”…Thank you for this article….I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can stand up cheering that I am no longer alone and will not feel like the victim when I have done absolutely nothing wrong…I also hope that everyone continues to find their new family and that they will find peace and joy in their new relationships…and you are right ….TRUE family does not have to have a bloodline attached to it….
I am so thankful that I found this today. I needed this information and validation for so long. Thank you! Thank you!
Thank You for sharing your story…..it’s been 10 years since I’ve had contact with my family and its the best thing I could have done for myself and my well being. I’ve made peace with it all and I’m healthier for it.
I did the same thing and then after 15years when back to help after my stepfather death. I said it for 2 years and had to stop it was one of the worse this I could have done to me so I left again my mom is 86 but I had to to save me – the pain was so great .
So if I’m just sad and cry over stuff my family is or does or feel uncomfortable around them is it ok to move at 15 and tell them it’s for the best and never to contact cops or anything
Jazmyn, PLEASE do NOT “move”. Stay with your family. Although, you were not specific for the reasons that you “cry over stuff your family is or does or feel uncomfortable around them” please know that at the age of 15 your (mind/brain/awareness of reality) will change until the age of around 23 (I believe the age is 23). I have to confirm the age, but I know for a fact at 15 years of age you have a view of (life/reality) which is much different than you will see at an older age. I am not a doctor or specialist by any means; so, you should also know that my suggestion is just that, a suggestion. A suggestion from a person who has felt exactly as you described, regardless of knowing ALL THE FACTS. I would say, unless there is physical or sexual abuse, that you stay and do some journaling so you can look back and possibly see changes over the next few years. I am a 59 year old female giving you PERSONAL advice, NOT PROFESSIONAL advice and THAT only because I felt your pain through the words of your post. Thank you and God Bless You!
If she is being abused in any way, she doesn’t have to stay. That includes verbal, emotional, and mental. You only mention physical/sexual abuse. No one has to put up with any kind of abuse no matter how old they are. There are ways she can free herself. She doesn’t have to stay.
that true and emotional neglect also bad and sometimes not until many years later realize.
If you are being abused in ANY kind of way… not just physically or sexually but verbally, emotionally, or mentally as well… you can leave. You’re 15, you can emancipate yourself or you can ask to be adopted if you have a family you would like to be a part of. At 15, i was being beaten and verbally, physically, and mentally abused and i didn’t know about emancipation and was too scared my mom would find me if I ran away.
be strong u not alone and if u feel better leave them
Yes and no. Like already stated, if you are being ABUSED in any way, find a trusted friend/family member/counselor to help you. If you are not, and I say this with a teenager in the house who BLOWS UP OVER EVERYTHING, and everything is our fault and never his even when it blatantly is, and he “JUST CAN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE”…. He’s often telling us that we’re bad for his mental health, and his counselor will tell him that we’re not, he’s not taking his own accountability… Teenagers and being a teenager is all kinds of frustrating. Please know that teenagers often feel uncomfortable and don’t relate to their parents, their siblings are annoying and hormones often send them into tears. This can also be a form of depression and not actually anyone’s fault at all. Talk to a trusted adult about your feelings, they can help you determine between abuse and normal teenage angst.
Yeah dont allow it. We had that too. At 15 we were horrible abusive people and at 18 planned to stay at home forever. Nope. Time to leave. You are being bullied and abused. Send him on his way as soon as possible.
I moved out at 14 …..times were different that was early 90’s.Just cuz’ it worked for some of us doesn’t mean it’ll work for all.There are many lessons along the way.Its ok to stay away from anyone who’s toxic even if it’s family.Just cuz’ their blood sometimes that only means they’re related not family.I learned just cuz’ of $#/++¥ family Our higher power allows us to create our own and never put them through anything we’ve had to go through.
Talk to a counselor at school– if you move out now you may be setting yourself up for some real danger.
totally awesome and I have been having the same thing and my better half also problems with her side and it easy for her to let go and tough for me but getting better in time.
You’ve written this so beautifully and eloquently. I’m 59 and if I count the years that my mother has discarded me on and off it equates to 26 years. Almost half my life. Walking on egg shells and not feeling comfortable in your own home is a horrible experience that causes PTSD later in life. This time, when she finally reaches out to get attention, I won’t be there.
I can understand been doing this with my siblings. They mentioned family and I said, “What family?” Family dynamics have many players and definitely narcissism is in the mix. Your mental health is more important than dealing with recurring low self-esteem and pain.
Thank you so much for give me a line that I’ll need to say for Batum to my so-called family of origin if I ever speak to them again.. what family?!
I walked away from my family three years ago and have never looked back. It is the absolute best thing I could have ever done for myself. I’m 67 years and it took me a lifetime to do what should have been done many years ago. Waiting to long is my only regret.
I am 67 and have been on the verbally abusive hamster wheel my whole life.. Thank you for sharing. I am now done with my family as well.
It’s your own personal decision to not forgive but estrange yours parents. Well and good. But don’t expect to inherit anything they worked hard for after making that decision to cut them out of your lives and leave them to dye alone in their old age. You judged them as abusive and don’t owe them anything – just as they now “don’t owe you anything”. To contest there will in court to leave you nothing as you deemed them nothing to you would be selfish, greedy and hypocritical. Parents – spend your hard earned cash before you die and enjoy.
Estrange parents and not forgive them. Your choice. You judged them abused and cut them out of your life as you owe them nothing. When they cut you out if their don’t try and challenge that in court and respect their wishes as they did yours – as they also owe you nothing. To do otherwise would be to abuse their wishes, be hypocritical and greedy.
There has never been an expectation of any inheritance and that in itself is a massive freedom. My forgiveness of my parents means that I have let go of the hate and anger and moved on with my life. Now when I think of them there is no longer the intense negative feelings. I have allowed them to be as they choose, and I have chosen not to have that as part of my life. I do not expect anything from them, and there will be no contesting of any wills. I have finally inherited my own freedom and that is a price worth paying.
What if it’s the other way around- your family breaks ties with you? I have absolutely no idea what I did, but whatever it was caused my parents and one sister to break ties with me. Growing up I felt like I had to earn their love. Nothing was ever good enough, no matter how hard I tried. So 8 years ago my parents and one sister apparently decided that I was too imperfect and broke all ties with me. They won’t answer the phone when I call, and I had to miss my wonderful Grandma’s funeral because my dad said I was not welcome. I have kind of come to terms with the fact that I will never see them again. I am heartbroken for my children, who have had to miss out on growing up with grandparents, since I loved mine so much. But in the back of my mind there still is a tiny hope that I will get to see them one more time before they die.
I will start by admiting my bias towards dysfunctional parents, and not needing them in your life. Just because they are your parents does not mean they are emotionally healthy individuals. Choose to look at it a different way. They have done you a tremendous favour. If they had never accepted you in the past, they were never there for you as real parents.
They have given you the freedom from their expectations. You are now free to live your life exactly as you want and you can let them go. You have tried, you can let them go. It would also seem that your parents would not have been good grandparents, unlike your own grandma, so they may have also given your children a greater blessing.
Sometimes there is no fairy tale ending, and that is perfectly OK. Create a new family around you and treasure them with love. I hope you find peace without your parents, it is possible, and it is perfectly ok.
Our voice is our weapon silence only empowers abusers. An abuser, bully, or manipulate is a coward they want no audience, notice who their choice of victims r women and small children= how pathetic
To all of you who have cut off family
Forgive. Let go of “expectations”. Have courage. Communicate. To inflict the silent treatment is toxic and cruel (two wrongs don’t make a right).
Sometimes cutting ties is for the best. This is especially true for those who don’t even want to change because in their mind, they did nothing wrong. Sure, it may feel different for a while, but eventually we’ll get used to it. Besides, if that relative was the one who cut you off first, they’re sure as hell not thinking of you to begin with.
even though it is for the best, it’s still not easy. I am the youngest. I haven’t spoken to my brother in almost 1.5 years b/c I didn’t agree with how he, his wife and daughter treated our mother. I put up with his crap my whole life in order to maintain a relationship with him and as soon as I stood my ground and had an opinion, he wants nothing more to do with me. Now suddenly, my other brother has stopped contact with me after I called out his son (23) for being rude at christmas (i hosted christmas last year and he didn’t thank me for the gift we gave him and his girlfriend, neither him or his girlfriend talked to me or wished me a merry christmas, and they only answered when i spoke to them, and then they left without saying goodbye or thank you). I know my estranged brother got to my other brother and poisoned him against me. I invited my other brother and his family over to see my new house a couple months ago after having gone bankrupt, and they were away, but hasn’t made an effort to see my new house or even ask about it. I’ve caught him in lies and I know his wife helped to convince him to cut ties. Now I thought I was getting along good with my 2-sisters, but then I see on facebook they went to the city together with my 2-nieces – why wasn’t I invited? i live less than 10-minutes from my 1-sister. I even texted her about it, in a light-hearted way saying I would have liked to come,but glad you had a good time but did not get a response. I now realize I won’t ever get a reply or be recognized for having my feelings hurt. I feel so alone – both my parents are in poor health and b/c of that, I really don’t have the ability to talk to my mom anymore like I used to. I feel so angry that my siblings robbed me of a family that could count on each other! they also robbed my kids from knowing their Uncles/Aunts/cousins and I can’t figure out why they would choose this way to live. so now my brothers don’t talk to me or my 2-sisters, my 2-sisters are close and I feel left out when all i ever wanted was to belong. thanks
I had a similar childhood and am now 63. You can read my other comments to get an understanding. I never had much of a relationship with my mother and father and due to that dysfunctional nature of our home there was a similar abrasiveness that’s been in the shadows of our family.
How to cope? I have had wonderful mothers along the way. They taught me so much. I now have a great relationship with one brother and feel like he was my best friend all my life. But we did had a falling out for about 5 years. He is my soul mate and the one person in the world for me to count on.
Think of life as a journey with many adventures along the way. You will be benefited in the long term because your family allowed you to be on your own and grow in your own way. You will look back on this time as the catalyst that sparked the best changes in you. They are letting you fly. If you re-frame this as such in your own way you will be able to see it as a blessing. And you will be right. But if you continue to hold on to the way you wanted it to be you will also be right. The question is, ‘Which scenario do you want to guide your life; that of a victim or a free person?’
Sorry for my late reply. I get what you’re saying, and even I went through withdrawal after my sister (this was the one who sexually abused me) decided to stop speaking to me because I didn’t answer her Facebook messages. Keep in mind that I did answer them most of the time. But, those measly two times basically showed me that she never really gave a damn about me. Sadly though, I realized in my situation that she didn’t care or love me like she said. To be honest, I think almost everything she’s told me has been a lie. And she still has everyone on my mom’s side fooled as to how she really operates. She’s the type of person who would kick someone to the curb after she’s done using them and that’s exactly what she did to me.
In your situation, I think your family may just be toxic like mine based on what you’ve told me so far. The fact that you called out one of your nephews for being rude shows that you can’t bring up a real issue with them without someone being upset. And they’re clearly scapegoating you for what’s obviously been one of many issues for a long time. I’m not the type who tells people what to do with their lives. But, I want you to consider this: are you truly better off with these people in your life? I don’t say this to be cruel. I just want to make you think. Clearly, your folks are also showing signs of favoritism with one another. Seeing that as a person is not good for one’s well-being. Furthermore, being talked down to (like in my case and so many others) is even worse.
Some family relationships need to be dissolved. When they continue to manipulate, mistreat and guilt you into behaving the way they want, you are better off without them. The use of fear to maintain control over you is soul destroying. Fear of rejection, fear of not being seen as lovable by our own family is what keeps us trapped. We would never allow others to treat us this way, no reason to continue to allow people into your life just because of the title of family.
hey ! I also feel the disconnection with my blood family . theres always a feeling of scare, fear (of losing if I do somthng or say something against them ) . They never support me in my bad times & uses & abuses me in their bad time and I have stood up against all my odds all by myself, al the time right from childhood .When they come to me , I try to giv them peace for as rational as I can be . But ,in my bad times , they will tak reference from my past ,wil try to tak my consents whatever I don’t agree with them genrally .
I a m a proud girl , I don’t agree to them under those hard circumstances and then have to deal with my situation myself . Then they will come back later and will pose as if they did everything right for me . I feel like cursing my mom precisely .strange!
and then its my brother , his life n death is equal to me . he is creating much fuss being alive . I have broken all my emotional bonds with him ,its just the basic ones coz I visit my parents and he lives there. I dnt need him nor I can do anything for him .
he is 1 useless guy ,who like to do woman-gossips and he – mom teams up against his wife . pathetic! told them earlier so many times to respect a young girl coming to your family with good intentions but no use . But with experiences,I learnt n never ever I try to get into his affairs ,jus try to keep a safe distance .But , he is such a leech , will pick u up in any discussions he like , n will try to tell u that wateve bad is happening , is wat I m doing .He should be dead for me , don’t know why he is ther .I have stopped going to my parents house and will keep minimal relations in future .Expecting a change is not even there .and I canot tolerate him. You can ignore him , not a big deal , theres nothing directly related as such but coz of daughter-in-law at home , my mom also try to boost him up and tries t do all bad and wants ENCOURAGEMENT ‘from me .Its impossible! unending trap! they are lice n ticks . you jus giv them space to stay and they force you to rent it for colonies .I m fed up ! leaving them altogether isn’t possible but I hav completely cut off them for a very long time and got my peace .but , its again haunting ….
It was a tough thing emotionally , physically to detach myself completely for around a year or 2 but believe me , it was the most peacefull , blissfull time I spent in my life having them not near to me , not even thinking about them . Its strange !!
but I think ,our beliefs as we are raised always haunt us that if our own parent doesn’t support us , who else will ?either you completely go to your hubby side which is the next close relation, but we are raised wi th certain principles .if hubby breaks that , you want him to b on track .he mite uses this ODD situation .and then you weigh !
and yes we have a society and I always wondered why this society and why our beliefs are so hard core written inside ,that things that keep us haunting for years ,that don’t giv us peace even for a minute , we keep on taking the burden all the time thinking that may be its my job to set it right .
Showing blood relations their door ,gave me eternal peace and they came back in my life with my control of how much I want them .But , as time passes and you let them enter in your space (which is quite natural ) , you again come to the point ,that they aren’t worth it .They are again forcing you to the threshold where you hav to cut them off .the only point is can we cut them off forever and can live peacefully .
Death defines some boundaries when other people(relatives , family friends who thot wer your frndz too) stop playing these cheap emotional games taking advantage of knowing your family inside story .
I have completely stopped interfering in their family matters and jus want that I should be respected n loved and supported in my family with limited interactions. But , somehow they will lie and manipulate and will try to keep u in the same pig- fighting -mud ,which they enjoy .
I hate my younger brother , I don’t know why . he tries to be the cool chap but he is big absurd . He is cheap in his thoughts and his intellects doesn’t match that of mine . Even if , I am not advising ,not commenting and keeping extremely limited conversations with him .He will try to use all his unused -mind and will try to advice me with the backup of those family relations which he enjoys too .I don’t value those relations too and know their In-out and why they are doing this .
They are pretty smart not to discuss anything with the so called My family and tries to flare up small bits too . I don’t know whom to call big MAd – my family or those relatives ?
the question is childhood teachings and importance of family –somewhere haunts you .moreover , some other relations will try to keep their scores up during this time . And , eventually , you will feel you are in No mans land . How far you will make completely new setup all untouched by family and pre-married relations? what if Husband start misusing /reusing my contacts or overpower by his ?
I think I will again go back to a very basic relation with my family so that nobody can say I m detached but will keep no connections beyond ? But ,even if u keep limited touch , they wil ltry to call you 100 times even after telling that I m not interested or busy . they will blame you for whatever bad they are doing or is happening in their life and wil try to take u in their PIG- fight . N gosh! how difficult is to understand that I m not interested . But , they will do the same ,and will call them SANE and will keep collecting people to call them SANE .& with the hollowness covered in stupidity under shamelessness , they will come and preach you the llessons of life …..then I will hav to switch off my phone . then they will bug me on mails and messages .then one day , enough is enough I will abort them till what time I don’t know ……… dnt want bugging blood relations ,just stand aside lik dead …
anybody has hope for me ? plz …tell me .
Thank you for sharing your story, our family also has a toxic family member, my niece Jolie Gavin. I can relate to many of your feelings because growing up in a huge family my mother always instilled in us the importance of family and maintaining that family bond. My sister had an only child who is mentally ill. Over the last year she was dying from cancer…not one cancer, but she actually truly believed she had 7 different kinds of cancers. Her entire year was filled with going to doctors and reading about different cancers she truly believed she was dying from. There was absolutely no reasoning with her, it destroyed her marriage, she couldn’t even be a mother to her own children. She went from being OCD, to living in complete filth. After making it through the dying year, we moved on to the next year..do as I say, or my sister would be punished by her daughter by with holding her grandchildren. This has been going on off and on for years. At first we tried to intervene, but dealing with a mentally ill person no reasoning worked. But you better believe every time she needed something from my sister she was back in her life once again. Money, gutting her house, garage,.yard, and once it was all done my sister was cut out again…No grandchildren. It’s been three months now and we are all standing behind our sister…some quietly, some voicing their opinions, and some standing their ground to end this chaos. I told my niece off along with my sister because I am just done with her pure evil hatred. I have never in my life met a person who would wish death on their mother, or constantly state I hate you. I can understand why people need to walk from this craziness.
In my case, I had to disconnect from a sister-in-law. Sadly, I lost my brother too. She love-bombed my brother with so many compliments that I was shocked that he fell for it. She convinced him to move in quickly, even though it meant his Autistic son (my nephew) would have to change schools. My brother knew he was moving in with her for at least two months and told his son the weekend of the move. Of course, his son decided to stay with his mother so he could stay in his school until he graduated in 6 months. The two of them were quickly engaged, another shock since my brother swore he’d only marry a woman who could contribute financially and had no children left to support. She is in grad school and her adult daughter and grandchild live with them. This is the third marriage for each of them. She isolated my brother from his ex-wife (the mother of his two children), a woman who had a great co-parenting relationship with my brother. They remained friends. His new wife couldn’t accept this. The wedding was getting close and I kept asking if my brother’s two children would be there. The nearly 50 year old fiance’ kept saying that she didn’t want my brother’s ex to make things hard for them. She wouldn’t do anything. This was all in her head. I kept telling them that autistic children need to process things, that you can’t just tell him at the last minute. She told me via text on my brother’s phone (I know how he texts) to butt-out. Nine days before the wedding, she sent my nephew a text about the wedding. He was really upset and did not come to the wedding. His sister got there right after it because they told her so late that she didn’t have time to arrange a ride. I went to the wedding because my elderly parents would be there and my nearly dying sister who lived far away would be there. She did a number of other crappy things that revealed her true borderline personality disorder, so I decided to disconnect from her. She tried to call and text me as if she had never done anything wrong and I ignored her. That angered her,so she decided my brother can’t have a relationship with me either. My brother doesn’t get a pass. He should have stood up for his children, but she knew she had that power over him. Frankly, I don’t think he realizes what hit him. According to her,I butted in to their business. Maybe so,but I stand by that. Children first. Anyway, one more attempt to extend an olive branch and she went crazy on me in a text. I won’t have her in my life. Sadly, that means I can’t have my once close brother. I can tell by the texts on his phone that she is writing them. I know how he writes and I know he’d never use teenage abbreviations. She is family. She is manipulative and abusive. I had no idea my brother was that lonely.
Rambling, I know,but thanks for letting me vent.
I can tell you are deeply hurt about this. I hope your brother will come around. I think you are right about him not knowing what hit him. If this were reversed and your brother were doing this to her, it would be called abuse. Her behavior is abuse. I weep for you and hope your sister is healthy and a part of your life still.
Another great article by the tiny Buddha. 🙂 I personally want to thank you for writing this. I’m in the process of cutting ties with my entire family. Growing up, my mom was a single parent and had me and my older half-sibling by two different men. Needless to say, she was a train wreck from the start. Not only did she raise us under this cult, but I believe she may have mentally and verbally abuse us as well. She got angry over the littlest stuff we did like spill something (even if it was by accident). As I may have mentioned in another article on this site, my older half-sister finally cut me out of her life after I stopped answering her Facebook messages. She molested me years ago and now that I’ve spoken out about it, she’s trying to deny it and say I’m jealous of her success. Pathetic. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up skipping town once everyone in our family finds out what she did. Anyway, I know I need to get out of Baltimore. There is definitely no future here for me and absolutely nothing for me to hold onto.
Both sides of my family are dysfunctional. On my mom’s side, they all jump down each other’s throats and stop speaking to each other for whatever the reason may be. Dad’s half just uses money to cover up whatever problems they have. I can’t even bring up any real issues without someone getting mad at me. And now, everyone is distancing themselves from me because I made a scene. Part of it was my fault and I still gotta send out that apology letter to my grandmother. Still, even though I may apologize to her, it’s a good chance I’ll never be invited back down for the holidays. And I just gotta accept it. When it comes to my sister, even though I may feel this “gap” in my life for now, I’m actually happy she stopped talking to me. I was gonna cut her off first. She knew she treated me horrible for the last 18 years and tried to take the blame off herself by talking down to me. I don’t need this drama in my life anymore.
Hi Jenine, sounds like my family. Why does this happen to good people like us? I can’t even get a phone call on holidays. I haven’t spoke to my sister in 5 years and never will. She caused most problems. She blamed everything on my older sister and my mother would tell my father to beat her (my older sister). My parents favored my middle sister and younger brother. The rest of us were treated like crap. My mother hit my older sister in the eye with a belt, she’s been blind in one eye since she was 5. DON’T THESE ABUSIVE PARENTS REALIZE THAT WHEN THEY’RE OLD, WHOSE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM? THEY TREAT US LIKE CRAP AND EXPECT US TO BE THERE FOR THEM IN THEIR OLD AGE? Well, I already told everyone in my fuc—– up dysfunctional family. DON’T COME CRYING TO ME, I’M NOT PAYING FOR ANY FUNERALS AND IM NOT HELPING OR VISITING IN THE OLD HOME. NONE OF THEM WOULD BE THERE FOR ME!! Now my only son is going to suffer when he’s older. Cousins, aunts, uncles, no one bothers with him. My sister and younger brother and mother made it this way. They got everyone hating everyone and my poor son is going to suffer now because of those ruthless pieces of crap. I HOPE TO GOD THEY GET THEIRS SOMEDAY. I TRULY BELIEVE WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!! I will never forgive them. Now I know why people go on shooting rampages. Heck, I might be the next one so they better lock their doors!!
“Why does this happen to good people like us?” I don’t know. I guess we were the unlucky ones in life. It turns out that many of my mother’s relatives already know about my accusation against my sister, but yet they seem to not want to deal with it. For instance, a couple weeks ago, my aunt came over my house with my 11 year old cousin (she shouldn’t have been there btw because my aunt brought up some personal stuff about me) and confronted what I said to one of my cousins’ ex-girlfriends on Facebook. They still want to hold to the cult beliefs of HWA and deny that this man was anything but one. I just don’t understand it. My mother’s mental illness should speak volumes. And she basically told me to forgive and forget in regards to my sister because to her “life is short.” But, my sister doesn’t want to own up to what she’s done. Instead, she’s denying it and making me look like I’m crazy. Everyone is telling me to get help, but they won’t tell her that. And to make matters worse, she’s using my job and school situation against me. I should’ve known she was gonna fight dirty. Someday, I just hope and pray that all of her lies will come to the surface. I’ll take a lie detector test just to prove my innocence. I need to leave Baltimore. I was always the odd ball in the family anyway, but mainly because of my disability. I just don’t feel anything for these people anymore except my dad. I’ll keep in touch with him once I leave.
I am just 6 months after breaking contact with my family. I had a child and it was like a tidal wave of perspective change. Of how each and everything I do will influence who this tiny person will grow into. And how they’ll carry what I’ve taught them, into this wild and dangerous world.
I knew from that moment I could not dare to allow my child to be infected by the darkness of my family and their massive walk in closets stuffed full of skeletons.
Each month that goes by I realize more and more of how right this decision is.
But your article helps quiet a few nagging things in the back of my mind.