“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown
I am at a phase in my life right now where I’m struggling with loneliness.
Most of the time, I feel a deep sense of disconnection from the world around me and the people I share it with.
The mere fact that I am writing this in the small hours of the morning, deafened by the ear-splitting silence of an empty flat, unable to sleep, simply emphasizes this point to me even harder.
The empty flat in question is mine. And the situation in which I find myself was not part of the plan that I had envisioned for my life at this moment in time.
Everything that was once familiar has now changed.
It was during the end of summer of last year that I split up with my long-term boyfriend. We had begun our six-year relationship stepping out into the big wide world, side by side, doing the grown-up thing of getting our first place together.
It was new and exciting. The future looked promising. And to be fair, it did work, on and off, for a respectable number of years.
However, fast forward past the cluster of good times and the occasional happy holiday, and I found myself having to face up to the heartbreak of a damaged relationship. In particular, the daunting prospect of sharing my future with another human being who, in essence, I just did not feel a connection with anymore.
I could choose to spend my days feeling alone, on the surface still part of the relationship, but deep down feeling emotionally detached and distanced from him.
I could patiently wait for the days where I felt an element of hope—the momentary optimism that everything would turn work out okay for us in the end. I could even reason with myself that this is only a rough patch in our relationship, just a little blip in the overall bigger picture.
Or I could face up to the truth and accept the glaringly obvious: it was over, unfixable, and time to move on.
For months my thoughts were in constant battle. The laborious task of trying to make things work seemed like it was set up to be life-long endeavor. Neither of us had the enthusiasm anymore. It seemed we had simply lost the passion.
In the end, we knew what was coming. It was time to call it a day, move on, and go our separate ways.
Here is what I’ve learned about dealing with loneliness:
Feel your emotions.
When you strip away a big part of your life, you feel exposed, empty, and vulnerable.
During the time after my breakup, I experienced deep feelings of unshakable loneliness. And I still suffer with these feelings from time to time.
However, I have learned that masking those uncomfortable feelings (my escapism being alcohol and meaningless dates) only leaves the pain unattended for a while longer.
I started to understand that I needed to accept my loneliness as a true emotion. It would not just softly fade away, no matter how hard I tried to numb my feelings or look for distractions.
As you experience your emotions, you start to feel lighter. Give them the time and space they need to be fully expressed. Write down your thoughts. Talk about them with someone. Acknowledge that they do exist and that what you are feeling is very real to you.
Trust that the pain does eventually lose its intensity, making room for you to experience a sense of calmness and clarity amidst the difficulties.
Listen to your own advice.
I have indulged in my fair share of self-help books over the years, ranging from detailed accounts on depression, self-esteem issues, and more recently, tips and tricks on beating loneliness.
These stories may offer a few moments of fleeting comfort as you flick through the pages. But they are not able to take the sting out of the raw emotions that you experience first-hand, such as during those times when you are sitting alone, feeling fed up and isolated from the world around you.
Therefore, I have learned to take only the advice that works best for my own mind, body, and spirit, and leave the rest for someone else.
Maybe you are someone like me who prefers to stay at home, enjoying a book, watching a film, or having a bath rather than getting “out there,” meeting people, and forging new relationships.
Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break, making space during those times when you need to rest and restore. Go at your own pace. Understand that you are your own best teacher. And only you will know when it feels right to take the brave step out of your comfort zone into the unknown.
Realize there is nothing to fix.
We know the world is a busy place, crammed full of busy people with busy lives. But that doesn’t mean we need to rush around trying to mend everything that is seemingly wrong with us all of the time.
While learning to stay with uneasy emotions, I realized that I didn’t need to find a speedy resolution for the difficult feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely; it’s just one of our many human emotions.
In fact, it was a relief. There was no need to force myself to search in all the wrong places for the solution anymore. I am certainly not the only single person in the world. Why did I feel that I needed to fix this aspect of my life so soon? It wasn’t even broken.
Try and enjoy the freedom that comes from being detached. Appreciate the opportunity to gain introspection on yourself. You may even discover new interests or familiarize yourself with old forgotten hobbies now that your life has shifted focus.
Accept how it is.
Accepting that there is nothing wrong with how I am feeling gave me the grace to relax. There is no problem right now; therefore, there is nothing I urgently need to attend to.
I know that eventually life will change again; it always does.
How I am feeling now may not be a true reflection on how I feel in a few weeks, months, or years’ time. And I trust that I will stumble across whatever it is I am looking for at some point again in the future.
Right now, though, I am experiencing my life as it is, complete with its bundle of thought-provoking emotions that come as part of the package.
I have learned to accept that this is just another passing chapter in my story, purposely placed here to keep life interesting and meaningful.
It may not be a highlight, but it is still part of my life. And I can live with that.
About Becky Potter
Becky is passionate about writing and travelling. She is keen to inspire people using her own past experiences, with the intention to help others enjoy a happier and healthier life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much for this. Your words are so comforting especially at this moment of my life. I feel adrift in a lonely ocean and your story has just made some hope appear on the horizon.
Becky,
Way to put it out there. Coping with loneliness has become a real pressing issue in my life as of late. It’s a little serendipitous that you posted this today. Yesterday, I wrote a post calling myself out, and trying to make myself accountable for the problems I was facing. You can check it out if you like — my blog isn’t monetized, so I’m not looking to make anything from this. http://www.thesodbusterblog.com/2014/02/being-honest-with-myself.html (if that breaks any comment rules please tell me and I’ll definitely edit it out — but it’s nice to find comfort in other people’s experiences. I’ve gone through something similar, and have found somewhat similar conclusions. I had a 3.5 year relationship end, and the following months were some of the hardest I’ve ever faced. It’s been a series of ups and downs with plenty of very dark moments, but I’m still here fighting.
Feeling your emotions is incredibly important. When we bottle it up, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Instead of a single hit of pain, we build up a massive snowball of hurt, and when it finally comes crashing down, man does it hurt.
Listen to your own advice. I think this is actually the hardest part haha. I write tons of content on how to heal, or pick up the pieces, but I realized how little I stick to my advice. It’s something I’m working on, and it feels great knowing that I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I’m a sucker for entrepreneur books and philosophy. Seneca is the man.
Realize there is nothing to fix. I have a little bit of a qualm there. I think there is always something to fix, but that sometimes we have to accept that it will take time. The problem isn’t always solved quickly. Sometimes you have to realize that the path to healing is much like growing a plant. The seed must be sown, watered, and nurtured. In time, the seed will develop strong roots, and flourish into something beautiful. I hope you follow my metaphor, but that’s how I view self development and deep personal issues. They take time and love.
Ah man, I want to keep going on this post because it’s great, but I just realized I’m going to be late for class.
Fantastic article, and keep kicking. You’re beautiful. Cheers.
I have gone through the exact same thing. Reading your words, they could have been written by me and I’ve just been through pretty much the same things. The loneliness feelings are the hardest for me, and as you say, I’ve been searching for an answer to it doing things that weren’t right for me. It’s a tough ole path, but I’m sure things will work out ok, they normally do. For now, I have biscuits 😀
Needed this. Just experienced a breakup with the woman I thought I’d marry and spend my life with. Am heartbroken. Valentine’s Day was particularly difficult.
Great post. And quite timely.
While I am still in the throws of my relationship, the feelings of loneliness are very real for me. What’s difficult is that it’s not the first time. I sometimes wonder of it’s just me. It’s to the point where I try to disguise it for my wife. She will often look at me bewildered. Wondering what planet I’m on. My challenge is that of kids who mean the world to me.
At some point I will need to come clean with her if we are to move forward or to continue on our separate paths.
Thank you for sharing your story. Funny how so many relate to it.
This is written perfectly, thank you Becky. I’m going trough somewhat the same set of emotions these last couple of months. While trying to do exactly what you’re saying, accepting it as a part of my life, even if it’s not a highlight, that’s the best thought that kept me going and reviving lost energies and motivation for other things.
I don’t know if it’s ok to promote anything here on this website, but lately I’m reading “the deepest acceptance” by Jeff Foster. It is a beautifully written book and explains a lot of our everyday emotions and human experience in overall + for example how and why we end up feeling like this article has shown us.
I would suggest reading it to anyone. I’ve had my share of selfhelp/informative/spiritual growth books (eckhart tolle, krishnamurti etc.), but this one really gives a somewhat more realistic perspective on all of this, it’s hard to explain but It really helped me grow as a person and I’d love to share that with others =)
I am in the same boat, with dreams in pieces, and I too deeply needed this simple affirmation. There is nothing wrong with us, we are simply experiencing life. Namaste, my brother. We will carry on. 🙂
I needed this as well. Just broke it off with someone after 16 years of being together…..thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Cried for 4 days straight….caught him with his OWN family member. Doesn’t feel real….and I can literally feel my heart breaking.
Thank you so very much for your words. I am just coming to terms with a break up and the overriding feeling at the moment is loneliness. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time and feel loneliness and sadness. I see a positive future and I know I am learning lots. Your words are so meaningful to me at this time. Thank you xx
Thank you for your post. Reading it was like re-living the end of my long-term relationship. Trying to fix something that simply couldn’t be fixed. The hardest part of the loneliness is thinking I’ll never find the same happiness again. I know, in time, things will get better but right now, I feel like I will never heal.
This was a very good read. I went through the same thing 3 years ago. My loneliness almost killed me, I tried to commit suicide 3 times. I had to go through all of that, I had to experience that, because if I did not I would not be here today.
However now I am ready for new relationships. Every relationship whether it’s long or short is a lesson for you. Thank you for this article.
Thank you. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with still feeling lonely and disconnected while it’s been a good 9 months since my breakup. It was bad, he was a narcissist, it was an abusive relationship and I tore myself away just as I tore myself apart doing it. Not that he’d care, anyway. And now, 9 months down the line, you’d think I’d be all over it, but I’m still struggling. This article helped. I’m not abnormal after all. Thank you.
So well said, you write beautifully.
My girlfriend broke up with me and decided went back to be with her ex boyfriend. It was so heart broken to see their valentines pictures. Cant believe she move on so quick and i am left alone here feeling devastated .
Very similar story to mine. We had children too. The break up was difficult and messy, but things are looking up all the time. You just have to stay positive and keep looking forward, try not to look back xxx
Thank you so much for writing this. I don’t think that most people understand or have the experience of this kind of loneliness for extended periods of time and I have always felt that I’ve had to go to great lengths to hide my experience. It seems socially unacceptable. I appreciate you sharing your experience.
I’m so sorry Brian. That must hurt a lot. Try not to look at the pictures.
I was broken up with on Valentine’s Day too.
Thank you Becky, this is EXACTLY the advises I need right NOW. To move forward peacefully with loneliness is not easy, there’s ups and downs, but I know I’m not alone when I read what you’ve shared. We grow with each and every step we take, whether it’s a hard step or a light one. Thank you~
I am at a very painful crossroads in my life right now. Things between my boyfriend of six years and myself has reached a serious road block. I cannot forsake the few things that are a core necessity in a relationship for me (I am disabled with a deformed face and he recently admitted he has been keeping my appearance a secret from people he goes to tech college with .. I cannot live my life feeling shame from my partner .. it is tearing my own self esteem slap up).
He is who he is and I cannot force him to understand why this is causing so much damage between us. I need more, I need my own form of “better” in a partner. But he has become my everything. My only friend, my only caregiver, my only means of getting groceries and sharing conversations.
If I leave him, I will be forced to struggle in ways that I have never experienced before and to be honest, I am not even sure that I am emotionally capable of handling it.
But if I stay .. this distance, this pain, will continue to create a vast chasm between us. I deserve to be loved for who I am. I deserve to be accepted and I deserve to have a man who takes pride in me and not falter when in the presence of ignorant people.
I read your article and fantasize what I might feel like if right now, this very minute, I were on my own .. in my own apartment .. faced with immense loneliness but at the same time faced with a glimmer of hope that someday I might have the chance to find a man who can love me the way I deserve to be loved.
With each day I am getting closer to taking a leap of faith and freeing myself from a relationship that just is not healthy for my boyfriend or myself anymore.
I am terrified. But time has a way of making us desperate for change as the days, weeks and years go by.
Thank you for a thought provoking article.
My long term boyfriend is a narcissist. He was also diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder (a cousin, if not a twin, of the classic sociopath). I have known for quite some time that this relationship I am in is an emotionally abusive one. He is really good at twisting words, manipulating, lying by omission and blaming me for each and every emotional slap in the face that he gives. While I am still with him, I already know the damage will be long term once I do eventually leave him. One would think “if he hurt you this much, why would you be so torn up once you’re free”? That’s the thing about relationships and, dare I say, good women. We love, we love deeply and sometimes we love the wrong kinds of men deeply. They inflict their damage, leave scars and we carry the pain for long periods of time because we still wanted things to work out somehow .. we wanted this investment of love, time and commitment to be appreciated and valued by these men. No, we are not abnormal. We just got tangled up with people who were not healthy for us to be with.
This is very true. I just broke up with a 7 year relationship, 2 weeks ago. I am very much puzzled as of the moment. I need someone to talk to.
hi! yours was the opposite of mine, I just broke up with the man I thought I will be marrying a year from now..
what a very good and inspirational read.. thank you so much for enlightening me somehow…
Thank you for sharing your valuable advice.
I share your thoughts on the pain of loneliness as i have recently broken up with a man i thought was my future. I cant remember what i did with myself in the evenings when i was previously single. I know I never felt lonely , i was happily single… i guess that was probably the difference. Now i am home alone, broken hearted and trying to heal myself and silence my inner dialogue that constantly asks what i could have done differently to save a troubled relationship that sucked the life out of me.
I have healed from a broken heart before and the first time this happened to me, i never thought i would get over it and every morning I woke up I wondered if there would ever be a day when the first thing i thought would not be about my loss and heartache but this I remember and would like to share with you. I did get over it, it didn’t kill me and it did get better! Remembering this , i am allowing myself time for the loneliness and sadness to wash over me as I know things will get better and this too will pass.
In the mean time , i am trying to be kind to myself, thats all we can do.
i need someone to talk to.. just broke up after a 7 year relationship…
My divorce was finalized a little over a month ago. We were together for 16 years, and I am 35. I have never been on my own, and so far it is extreme torture. Because I’m a grad student, the divorce cast me into poverty, and I can’t afford to move right now. I filled the fall with manic dating, most of which resulted in me feeling broken and even more vulnerable.
I don’t have a strong network in my town, and I find that when I slow down I succumb to total despair and feel like I’m not going to make it until I graduate. Staying manically busy isn’t making me happy, just very stressed on top of it all.
So, reading this did help. I wish I could more easily find others dealing with the shock of a dramatic life change.
Yes… 16 years is me too.
You can talk to me, an anonymous person on the net! I mean it. (See my comment above for a synopsis of my situation.)
Hi, you’re definitely not alone. It may seem like it but there are people going through the same. I was in a decade long relationship when it all came crumbling down. First, my professional life fell apart, then a few months later, my personal life followed. At a time when I needed the support, he wasn’t there, and that made it much harder.
There are good days and then there are days I want to stay in and torture myself with what-ifs. But I’m forcing myself to keep busy so I don’t think about it and spiral into a deeper depression. So if you want to vent, we are all here for you.
Thank you so much. I actually feel like I’ve made big progress on one thing- after having a work function all day today I am exhausted and don’t think I can attend a party tonight. Not making myself go just to avoid being alone is a huge change.
I’m in the same boat. My relationship with the guy I was to marry next year has ended and I am so devastated but I know I need to go through and feel the loneliness to come out stronger. Thanks for this post.
I know how you feel, my fiancé ended our engagement after six years together out of the blue. I find it hard to get out of bed somedays.
I just started a book called “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” by Howard Halpern. “Addiction” seems like a loaded term, but the book has been eye opening and very helpful to me so far. Highly recommend.
I’m at a point in our marriage of 3yrs (been together 10 years) Where my wife has said she’s fallen out of love with me and sees me more as a brother or a best friend (Which I thought I was meant to be as well as a loving husband). She left me a month ago after a series of rows over something and nothing. She asked for some space which I feel I’ve given her. We’ve been in minimal contact throughout, all contact has been initiated by her. She’s been back home for some clothes and asked me questions about someone else sleeping in our bed.. Sobbing down the phone, saying she’s missing me, but doesn’t know if it’s for the right reasons.. Why wasn’t I fighting to save the marriage… The next minute she’s wanting to sort out what we’re doing with the house and stuff. My head is in bits. I just wish I knew what she wanted. I’m meeting up with her this weekend to discuss things. Of which I’m not sure. Any advice on what kind of approach I should take would be very much appreciated.
I felt like this was my own story unfolding.
My girlfriend and I were together for 5 years – I moved 1,300 miles for her, supported her through her misunderstood career change to a police officer (and through police academy), and eventually battled my mind everyday – trying to ignore our failing relationship.
As two women in a relationship, I feel such a loss for not only my partner but my best friend.
It has been a whirlwind to say the least (separating our dogs, moving out, learning the hard way she’s now out having fun) but I know deep in my mind that our ending is preparing me for another world that will open.
The mornings are the worst. Waking up to the house and bedroom where we spent 9 years together. I broke up with him because he was always traveling for work, and i felt lonely whenever he was away. Now that i kicked him out of the house, i feel even lonelier! How does one cope with those morning blues, when you don’t feel like getting up but just ruminating the loss?
Thank you a lot Becky, Im really feeling loonely, sad and depress.
I broke up with my boyfriend, we lived together for four years.
And the truth we arent happy anymore, I was willing to do whatever it takes
if I have the chance to be with him again, but suddenly I read ….
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown
So, I change my mind, its better to suffer the whole process now, that in six months be in this situation again.
thank you for sharing your wisdom, you change my life in a good way.
Im feel really bad for you, I spend time thinking about Christmas, my birthday
and every special day … I’ll hope you get well soon, Im still in process to get out of my depression.
🙂
I feel exactly the same, tell me how do you feel now? It really gets better with the time?
You’re not alone, and I get it, its really hard and not easy, and have no money only seems to make it worst. Just never stop to keep trying.
Good luck lisbet!
I feel the same way, the mornings are the worst, waking up and realizing he is not with me anymore. Its so hard sometimes.
Thanks, I need it. Have realized I have a total phobia of being alone that I really need to address.
Thank you. x
Yes I am going through the same thing with my ex partner. I just try to take one day at a time and I’m hoping that eventually things work get better for me.
thank you for this, i needed to hear this. I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and loved him more than anything and i always will. but, towards the end I wasn’t completely happy with the way things were going. we split up, I tried to win him back a month later, but he was too upset and said we would never get back together again. i’m now on the journey that so many people go through, finding my way through life alone now. it’s so hard, but I know I can do it. we all can.
Great Post.. Thank you!
exact same thing has happened with me this week. My gf went back to her ex. it is unbelievable how someone can just switch off and move on…..hurts like hell.
I have reread this article many times. Lately, it seems I am have fallen into the darkest hole and I cannot escape. After a 20 year relationship, I have finally connected with someone until I realized he was not ready for a relationship. On top of that, I feel my friends are all taking the next steps in life while I feel as if I am treading water. It seems nothing brings me joy. I sit at a table that is set only to not have anything to serve. I feel as if I am ready to be done with life.
I love this! Just broke up with the one who I thought was the “one” without getting any closure. I have been battling my emotional ups and downs since the break up. I’m past the initial shock and on to feelin disappointed in my ex and his actions. I’ve finally learned that I need to better myself, be happy and satisfied emotionally, socially and professionally before getting into another serious relationship. Good luck to all.
I can understand where you’re coming from. It does feel sometimes like there is nothing left to live for and like everyone has what you don’t. I am struggling with a similar situation. But please know that no matter what happens, the pain and loneliness will eventually subside and you will slowly feel stronger and more hopeful.