“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell
It was around six years ago that I faced the moment of truth. I was sitting on my meditation pillow, having spent the last few moments in deep contemplation about my current state of affairs. I was satisfied with practically every area of my life except for the one that meant the most to me—my love life.
About five months prior, my relationship with my boyfriend of almost four years (who I had been certain was “the one”) had ended. Why? Well, let’s just say that we discovered that we wanted different things at the moment. I wanted the walk down the aisle and white picket fence, while he wanted to continue life as a single person (and all that entailed, to put it as delicately as I can).
Actually, to say the relationship had ended isn’t exactly true. Although we had supposedly “broken up,” we were still in contact with one another. Quite a bit.
In my desire to be a mature, spiritual, well-adjusted woman, I had decided that maintaining a friendship was the “adult” thing to do. After all, it’s not like I hated the guy—at some point I had actually thought he was “the one.” Why couldn’t we be friends?
That five-month “friendship” actually turned into five months of emotional turmoil for me, since the “benefits” weren’t as beneficial as I’d hoped they’d be.
At times I found myself hating him. At other times, I wished that we had never broken up. At times I felt jealous when I found out that he had gone on a date. Then, I would feel like I was being immature for being jealous because I felt like I should have been “bigger” than that. At times I wanted nothing to do with him. At other times, I stalked his Facebook page.
Still, during this “friendship” period, I couldn’t help but to have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that while he was having his cake and eating it too, I was left with crumbs. (And I’m gluten-sensitive, so cake crumbs are totally not good for me).
I was taking what I could get because I didn’t know whether I would find another relationship again.
Finally, that day on my meditation pillow, after months of tears, self-reflection, and praying for my ideal relationship, I had a huge “aha” moment.
There I was, hoping for the relationship of my dreams, yet at the same time, I was keeping myself anchored to the past. How could I possibly get myself in the mindset of meeting someone new who shared my life goals, when I was spending far too much energy clinging to something that was simply not what I wanted?
So, I listened to my gut and cut it off.
I told him that while he would always hold a special place in my heart, I had to let him go fully.
I told him I wasn’t sure if it would be forever, but I knew that the current state of affairs just wasn’t healthy for me.
I told him I needed to clear my head entirely so I could understand why I wasn’t moving on like I knew I should.
I told him I was going to make space for what I really wanted in my life.
I was taking a stand for myself, knowing I deserved more.
And thirty-three days later, I connected with my now-husband. (But even if I hadn’t, I know I would be just fine).
If you’ve ever been in a committed relationship, you know that it can sometimes feel like a pretty courageous act. Think about it—you make yourself vulnerable to another person by putting your trust in him or her. You open yourself up by sharing your hopes, dreams, and worries. And, you do all of this without any sort of guarantee that things will work out in the long run.
When a relationship just isn’t working out, the thought of letting go of the known yet unsatisfying can feel pretty daunting. But, if like me, you are clinging to something that you know is less than you deserve, I encourage you to draw on that sense of courage to make some changes.
Whether it’s having the confidence to ask for what you really want, engaging in the character-building work of improving your relationship, or moving on, take a stand for yourself, knowing that you are worthy of happiness and getting exactly what you want.
Take it from me, being courageous during these moment-of-truth decision points can make all the difference in your quality of life.
As Zig Ziglar said, “When the wrong people leave your life the right things start to happen.” Are there any wrong people in your life you need to clear out?
Couple silhouette via Shutterstock
About Patricia Thompson
Dr. Patricia Thompson is a corporate psychologist, coach, and author of The Consummate Leader: a Holistic Guide to Inspiring Growth in Others…and in Yourself. For over ten years, she's helped her clients achieve their professional goals by developing their talents and unleashing their authentic selves. If you're interested in improving your relationship, get her free e-book “Working on Your Relationship … by Working on Yourself.”
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Am having a bit of a struggle with this: “When the wrong people leave your life the right things start to happen.” There is a belief that we have exact people at the exact time when we need to learn certain things. Not good, nor bad. Not wrong, nor right. Yet something, that is necessary to learn & to place into our baggage of experience to move forward with our lives. Then, and only then, those people that contributed to our learning (and fulfilled their role in our life) have a natural tendency to “leave the table”. 😉
Good point about the use of labels. In this case, I felt like I was holding onto someone that felt “wrong” at the time, because I wasn’t listening to my inner guidance. By honoring what my gut was telling me at the time instead of clinging onto something familiar out of fear, I was able to bring more “right” things into my life that resonated with what I wanted in my life.
This post is perfectly timed for me. I am a mid-60s twice divorced man who is struggling with the exact issues you describe. Once my second marriage ended, I reconnected with an old college girlfriend who lives on the opposite coast. Ironically, I found all the issues that came up the first time around eventually resurfaced this time. I also found the difficulty that I had getting past her when in my 20s was even more intense in my 60s, to the point that I after 6 months of virtually nothing contact I let her back in 9 months ago. Of course, despite the promising start eventually all the same issues, such as her commitment phobia, resurfaced again,and I was back on the hamster wheel AGAIN! Against my better judgement, I continued despite my gut feeling that it would never be right. She, of course, insisted that we would always be friends. At the end of the day, however, I have had to face up to a number of facts proven by actions, not words:
1. Love is an action verb. Without action, love is merely lip service
2. Her treatment of me, trying to incite anger, not answering calls or text, did not in
anyway reflect the treatment I would expect from a true friend.
3. The fleeting moments of occasional happiness were not enough to offset the days
and weeks of unhappiness caused by her need for emotional distance, especially
when there seemed to be zero regard for my needs, again, not what one expects
from a true friend.
4. At my pastor’s suggestion, I began to assess,that while I knew I truly loved her, did I
truly LIKE her, a necessary element in any friendship
While I not yet reached the final stage of closing that door, I have learned enough to real that any attempt to remain friends, at this point, would ultimately be very unhealthy for me. Thanks again for your post.
It sucks to hang on to a relationship with someone who’s no longer interested. You can’t share your goals, desires and dreams-since they’re not on the same page. It’s painful to know that you’re no longer wanted.
I don’t believe in maintaining friendships with exes, since they’re a thing in the past. The break-up is hurtful, so why bother going through that ordeal again? I want to be able to move forward with my life. Dealing with a nosy ex shouldn’t be one of them.
My ex-boyfriend dumped me without an explanation. Honestly, he took the cowardly way out, to where I don’t respect him as a man. He could have told me the truth. Yes, my feelings would be hurt, but it will take out the guessing game. I don’t have to worry about dealing with the ex-girlfriend (can’t stand her!), his children, and him being the “drama king.” I used this experience as a lesson, so I shouldn’t have to lower my expectations. If someone were to consider me as a THREAT, it’s their problem!! I can’t call the kettle black.
Thank you, Dr. Thompson, for sharing your experience.
Thank you so much for this article. It was really spot on. I felt calm while reading every word that you wrote.
I’m so glad that it came for you at the right time! It can be hard to move on, but it sounds like you’re looking at the situation with clear eyes now, and you’re not getting all you need from the relationship. Good luck to you.
You’re welcome LaTrice – sounds like your ex handled the whole thing really poorly. It’s always so frustrating when people can’t be honest with you. It’s too bad you had to go through that, but it sounds like you’ve really used it to grow. Best wishes!
Thanks Joy! 🙂
Over the years the only thing I have learnt is that men are shit, total shit. But then who brings a man in the world
A great way to prevent this type of heartbreak is to understand what exactly the other person wants… do they want someone convenient who will follow them around like a puppy? Will they ever give you what you want to give to them? It’s ridiculously easy to be used by someone if they know you have feelings for them.
If you have to keep trying and it feels like that person is intentionally making things difficult with no end in sight, it’s best to cut yourself off. And if they come back begging, maybe they should have thought about your feelings before they decided to play with you.
Here is how it’s possible to make 95 dollars /hr… After being without work for half a year , I started freelancing over this internet company and today I am very satisfied. After 3 months on my new job my income is around 5000 dollarsper month If this interests you: 1)navigate to the site link in description
This is how it’s possible to receive $95 /an hour… After searching for a job that suits me for six months , I started freelancing over this website and today I am verry happy. After 3 months doing this my income is around five-thousand dollars/per month If this interests you: 1)navigate to the site link in description
My ex broke up with me for the fact that he wanted space, i tried telling him how much i love him but he was just so stubborn, he suddenly changed, he started cheating, I was so hurt and depressed. so a friend suggested the idea of contacting a powerful man that can help me bring him back that this man helped her before, which I never thought of myself. after i contacted iyareyaresolutiontemple@gmail. com for his help. I asked him to please help me do anything that will bring him back and make him love me more then before, but before the work was done, I was a bit skeptical about the capacity to bring my lover back to me. 3 days after the work was actually done, my lover transformed, he returned to me and since then there is no more mistrust and no more lies between us. He doesn’t cheat anymore. there is no word to say how grateful I am, I am leaving a testimonial on this page, Dr Iyare. /
.
So true!