“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts
This year has been one of unprecedented change for me. From January to March, I traveled to Mozambique, Africa to do volunteer work. I did not speak the language; I did not understand the culture. I was immersed in a completely strange world for two months.
In April, we put our house up for sale. The prospect of uprooting and moving is destabilizing, and one of life’s biggest stressors.
Then in May my marriage failed, and I separated from my wife. We had been together for almost nine years. I became well acquainted with pain beyond anything I had ever known.
In June I decided to attack my lifelong dream of singing in a rock band—mid-life crisis or perhaps an awakening of sorts.
In August my son left home for university. It was a very exciting and emotional time for all of us, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
And in September my last remaining grandparent, my grandmother, died at the age of ninety-seven. She was an incredible woman who saw so much change, and packed a whole lot of life into her years.
Over the last nine months, amidst all the turbulence, challenges, and pain, a few insights gradually occurred to me:
1. Nothing is permanent.
Yet we are programmed for the opposite. We want life to feel safe and secure, and permanence gives us the illusion that it is.
The reality is that nothing is permanent, and the only thing we know we can count on is change. The more we push for permanence in life, against the current, the more disappointed we become when we find it is not achievable to the extent we think it should be. But if we can accept the fluidity of life, everything changes.
2. Time heals.
Why is it that life can look hopeful one day, and so very dark the next? Very little of my actual situation has changed from one day to the next. But my perception of it can change minute by minute based on how I am feeling in that moment—tired or rested, peaceful or angry, whole or damaged.
I am learning not to overreact in the moment, or make important decisions when I am feeling down.
3. Practice gratitude.
In the midst of turbulence, I have a strong tendency to dwell on the negative. And then everything looks dark and it snowballs.
But there are always things to be grateful for in life—my friends, my health, my relationships, my next meal. I often think back to my time in Mozambique and remember the crippling poverty that most people live with there every day. And yet they are, by and large, a happy people.
We can make a huge difference in our state of mind by focusing more on what we do have, how lucky we are, and counting our blessings.
4. Be gentle with yourself.
I am my own worst critic, focusing on my perceived failings and inadequacies. All this does, I have found, is reinforce the bad. And by reinforcing it, that is the reality I create for myself. So I am slowly learning to cut myself some slack, and perhaps even like who I am. What a concept!
There is a direct correlation between how we treat ourselves and how we are with others out in the world. This is how we can learn to love.
5. Be here now.
I have a lifelong tendency to look back or forward—anything but being present. Guilt and shame look back, worry and anxiety look ahead. In either case, it is wasted energy.
If I feel that I need to do something to set things right, then I should simply do it, then let it go and not allow these feelings to linger. For me, engaging in activities that force me to stay present helps: skiing, surfing, singing.
6. Give up control.
We can plan all we want, but there are much bigger forces at work out there. And the bigger plan for us may not coincide with what we think should happen or the planned timetable we have in our head.
I will have faith that the universe wants to help me. My job is to see it, step out of the way, and let it work its magic.
7. Be yourself.
I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. There all kinds of expectations out there about what I should do, how I should do it, who I should be, and how I should fit in. And it is impossible for me to keep up, to satisfy everyone else. Far easier for me to finally learn just to be me, and to be comfortable with who that is.
We can provide ourselves with a great deal of peace by learning to be ourselves and letting the chips fall where they may.
8. Eat. Sleep. Exercise.
This may seem basic, but when my life is in turmoil, I find that these can be the first to go out the window. I skip meals, or eat badly. My sleep suffers and when I am not rested, my whole perspective changes for the worse. That’s usually when I make bad decisions. I feel lethargic and tend to want to skip exercise.
But these three are all connected, and they are some of the few things we actually can control to some degree. And when we force ourselves to practice good self-care, we feel better, stronger, and life seems brighter.
9. Don’t fight the pain.
It’s taken me a long time to learn this one. And I have a history of doing or using anything I can to not feel the pain. I know this doesn’t work because when I mask the pain, it never leaves. It just gets stronger, and comes out in other ways.
Pain needs to be acknowledged. When we let ourselves feel it, it loses its grip and passes through us much more quickly.
I have certainly not mastered any of these, but underpinning it all is a sense of heightened awareness about the feelings I have, and I’m beginning to recognize where these feelings come from. This is the first step in learning, accepting, and rolling with the changes that life offers up.
Photo by Ben K. Adams
About Jonathan Lareau
Jonathan Lareau is a seeker of new ways of being and understanding. He has left a life of routine and predictability, and is discovering what comes next. Jonathan blogs at www.servingothersblog.com, a collection of struggles, observations, thoughts, questions, and the odd eureka moment.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
very nice words….i can relate to much of what you’ve written as been through similar journeys myself…i find change a difficult thing to deal with and agree that we’re sold the opposite…thanks for sharing jonathan.
Thank you for your insights. I identify with so many of your struggles, and it’s very helpful to have them articulated by someone else. I wish you continued success on your journey. 🙂
It’s immensely helpful to find someone articulating those things you know are incredibly constructive but you struggle to do so yourself. Thankyou very much. Beautifully put and I shall print off and re-read regularly. I really hope your life changes prove to be happier ones in the next 12 months …
thanks for the post, i can relate to much of this
Going through a weird phase in life. Talking to a girl whom I’m very much attracted to but she’s giving mixed signals and kind of flip flopping with me. I find this uncertainity unbearable and its killing me. I realized its creating a similar environment that Taliban created in Afghanistan, basically, this feeling is crippling my ability to respond to things that I’ve got going for me, new job, fitness and shit like that. I’ve come to the conclusion that I like this girl so pain is inevitable, I don’t want to create drama and confront her nor do I want to ignore her and think about it later as “The one that got away”. In short, I don’t know how to deal with her, but what I do know is I cannot cause that pain to delibilitate the rest of my life and stagnate me. Credit to the girl, for bringing out a feeling that seems stronger than me, my neediness, now it is the time to face it and the smallness I feel every time one of my calls goes into her voice mails.
Sorry felt like writing this somewhere and this is no way related to your blog. Just that this blog brought to mind my own turbulence…..
Ruthie….thank you so much. It has been hard, but in looking back, not bad. Although not in the moment. Then it can look black. I just try to get beyond that. Jonathan
Thanks for the note. I have been ere too, and it can be so destabilizing. Seems to me you have to do your own thing regardless of what she does or does not do. Have you spoken to her directly about all of it…her flip flops and your reaction?
Jonathan
Thank you Josh.
Jonathan
Thank you Fiona.
Thank you Bluebell. Hope they help in some way.
Jonathan
Thank you so much Jonathan for such a wonderfully written article which was a real reminder to me of the ways to deal with challenges and pain in life. Every single suggestion you made was so valuable and I am going to print this out and look at it everyday. I hope time is healing your wounds…warm wishes 🙂
What an awesome post. I felt I had written it myself as I am too going through an awareness of self that comes through experience. Thank you so much for sharing! Loved reading it. Very inspiring! Gratitude.
Wonderful post with very insightful advice! Thank you for sharing your experience, and wisdom! 🙂
Thanks for this. I’m having panic attacks knowing I have to let go of something that isn’t good for me in its current form, and the fear of the unknown has me steeped in darkness and pain. Also I worry that I’m crazy because of how deeply this relationship has affected me, for how frantic it’s making me to let this go. It’s hard for me to accept that this change needs to happen, even when deep in my heart I know things as they are are toxic. Sometimes it’s all I can do in any moment not to beg to go back to how things were. I’m trying to remember to breathe.
Thank you for saying the things I couldn’t articulate. Going thru a very difficult time and trying to find my footing…in a new world. Difficult but not impossible. “be gentle with yourself” is one I need to remind myself to do. It all starts with me. Thank you again.
Simple and very helpful thank you so much for posting this wonderful artical 🙂
Everyone has their own story but you may find that the move and your breakup were strongly linked. I nearly didn’t make our move. I had to give up my job and can’t find another one, have no friends or family around. We have moved a fair amount, but this time was hell.
Lovely words-I’m sorry for your troubles and wish you peace. My beautiful sister Wendy took her own life then my beloved only Son was murdered my heart hurts and there is nothing anyone can do to make it better. I exist.
Thank you for this – my year has been similar. In the first half of the year, my divorce was finalized, my first relationship since separation dramatically fell apart and my oldest child left for a college thousands of miles away. Somewhere in there I also navigated a significant career change. It has taken months to heal and find myself again. I’m finally focusing again on things important to me that I’d lost sight of, and taking care of myself. I hope you have found peace….
Thank you Amber…so happy this was helpful. I have to remind myself of these almost daily. Doesn’t take much to start slipping down a dark path.
Jonathan
Thank you Janice…really happy you enjoyed, and that you are aware. That alone changes everything.
Jonathan
Thank you so much lv2teep…happy it was helpful.
Jonathan
Hi Lucy….remember the unknown can be scary only because it is unfamiliar. We crave routine and predictability. But that is not always good for us. After the plunge, it is not unknown anymore. And then things change. Happy to chat with you about it through www,servingothersblog.com if you wish. Your hear knows the answer.
Jonathan
Kid…my pleasure. Sorry you too are going through a tough time, but I am very happy that this resonated with you. It gets better.
Jonathan
Thank you dilip.
Jonathan
I am sorry to hear that gubbins, and hope you have started to find your footing.
Jonathan
Laurie-Anne…I am so profoundly sorry for these losses. Words are not enough to express. I too am wishing you peace and hope, eventually, things will brighten.
Jonathan
Thank you JP….sounds like you have started to come out of it by re-discovering important things you’d lost sight of. So easy for that to happen while you are mired in yuck. I am getting there. It takes time.
Jonathan
I have been unemployed for most of this year and my unemployment
benefits are about to run out. I’m concerned about my age and how it
might be affecting my job search. I’m using this time to put my
spiritual beliefs into practice and I’m reading a lot of self-help
books. I go through periods of calm and then fear, joy and then panic. I
think it’s a lesson of accepting that I’m not in control of
circumstances outside myself. I also think it’s a test of faith.
Articles like this one are helpful. Thanks!
Hi Jonathan,
The first thing that caught my eye in this article was not the article itself but the name of my home country – Mozambique. It is good to read positive things about it for a change.
And afterwards i red your e-mail and it made perfect sense in all directions and meanings. All of the 9 insights fitted like a glove at this time in my life.
I am still trying to let go of some habits and some people, mainly my brother who got married and will be a father soon.
I am truly happy for them but at the same time sad. We have been together since i was a peanut in my mom´s belly and suddenly we are not together anymore.
It is not just about the physical distance but the emotional one that has changed. The connection is there but sometimes i feel it barely.
As you well write above, things are not permanent and we have to be able to be strong and accept change in all aspects of life and ourselves.
Many thanks for the great article and for coming to my lovely Mozambique.
Cheers,
Nidia
Hello Nidia….”fit like a glove.” Love the way you make that sound. And it sounds like you have all the insight you need to adapt. In the end, there really is no choice. And I loved my time in Mozambique and learned so much. There are a bunch of related blog posts of my time there if you are interested. http://www.servingothersblog.com
Thanks so much for your interest.
Jonathan
I think you are right on Claire. So happy you are putting this time to good use, and expanding your journey.
Jonathan
Lucy, I’m dealing with the same thing right now. I’m in a relationship that has been so toxic for so long, yet despite all of that, I’m still struggling with how to let go. I, too, get panic attacks when I think of what’s to come.
My panic comes more from not wanting to hurt someone else by changing things, no matter how much I am hurting with the way things are.
My plan of attack here is just to stay true to myself. If I do that, and I start to become my joyful, optimistic, go-getter self again, I figure he will see that we are not matched at all, and hopefully it will be less painful all around.
Break-ups are incredibly tough, no matter how wrong the relationship may be for you. I hope you’ve been able to come to peace with what has to happen. 🙂
Thank you so much for this post. I needed it more than I can put into words today. Your story and your advice are inspiring. I moved the person who is the love of my life 5 hours away this weekend, and came home today. He has changed my life for the better, helped me see the good in myself and shown me what happiness can be. I have dreaded his leaving for months. I’ve fallen into a deep bout of depression, and lost track of the “eat,sleep,exercise” and “be gentle with yourself”. Your words are a welcome bit of direction on how to overcome my feelings of loss, anxiety, fear and worry. They help me to see that I can cope no matter what. I printed this out so I can read it when I need it.