“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.” ~Byron Katie
As I was listening to other women talking in my support group for battered women, I had a life changing moment.
I caught a glimpse of myself and where I was at in life. It was a defining moment that turned around how I felt about myself and changed the cycle of my relationship with men.
“I played a role in my abusive marriage; my ex-husband was treating me how I was treating myself.”
His anger and how he showed it belonged to him; we are never responsible for someone else’s behavior and how they treat us, ever. However, we are responsible for how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. At the time, I didn’t really love myself.
My confidence was non-existent. And I thought I deserved to be treated this way. I had a belief that life was meant to be suffered. I know, nuts!
So, as I was sitting there in the support group, I realized how I had given my power away to someone else and that I had to take responsibility for neglecting myself.
I didn’t put blame on myself to feel guilty. I owned up to my part in this whole situation. I looked in the mirror and got real honest so I could change this crazy pattern.
If I had stayed in the victim role, I would have continually attracted the same kind of guy, who in reality would just be reflecting back what I felt about myself.
Not at all what I wanted anymore, that was clear.
It was time to break the pattern, and break the pattern I did.
I started to really take care of my needs.
I gave myself the love that I was looking for, the attention I was craving, and permission to feel happy and have an awesome life.
It didn’t happen overnight, and it’s been quite the journey, but it amazes me that since I’ve raised the bar, the people that show up in my life are on a much higher level.
It’s a situation no one should be in. The first step is getting out and getting help. And know the cycle can be broken.
Breaking The Pattern of Unhealthy Relationships
1. Practice self-love.
I can’t say this enough. At the time the concept of self-love was foreign to me. Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life awakened me.
I was looking for love in outside places, wanting others to validate that yes, I could be loved. When I started giving myself what I was craving, I gained more confidence, got clearer on what I wanted, and started treating myself with respect.
Pay attention to your internal dialogue about yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say “I love you.” Believe it. Really embody how you want to feel right now.
2. Change your mindset.
There’s no going around it, what you think will become your reality.
We all picked up beliefs from well-intentioned people around us while growing up, and they form most of our internal dialogue. Some of these beliefs might serve us, but some might be quite detrimental.
Take an inventory of the top negative beliefs that you have on repeat in your mind. Then re-write these beliefs in a positive way and create a plan to act on them.
This is about more than just saying affirmations; it’s about being consistent, setting your intention, and taking action.
Example: Old belief: I’m not good enough, and I can’t be happy.
New belief: I am good enough, and happiness is my birthright.
After flipping your negative belief, say the new belief with emotion, and write it down and display it in places where you’ll see it regularly.
Next, visualize what being good enough means to you. How does it make you feel? Have a clear image.
Lastly, take action. How does a person who is good enough act? Act as that person now, and aim to do this consistently.
3. Look for the lesson in everything so that you can heal and move on.
We’ve all had experiences where the same thing keeps happening over and over with different people and situations. That’s a message that something needs to be done on our part.
Once the lesson is learned we can break the pattern.
4. Know what you want.
In a nutshell, don’t settle—period! What is it you want? What qualities are you looking for? How do you want to be treated? Want to know what the trick is to actually get it? Be all of those things. Others are mirrors to us.
5. Own it.
The best way to make any change is to take responsibility for where your life is right now, owning it so you can improve it on your terms. When we do this, we go from waiting for change to happen to starting with ourselves, because that’s where any real change can ever take place.
We’re back in the driver’s seat, creating our life, versus reacting to life situations.
6. Receive.
I did attract lots of nice guys too, but I would break up with them or find them too boring. Now I see I wasn’t comfortable with someone treating me kindly and with respect. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to receive this kind of love because I couldn’t give it to myself.
Once you start giving it to yourself, you too will be able to receive it.
The most important relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves. Making this a priority doesn’t take anything away but just adds more happiness and confidence to our lives.
Torn paper image via Shutterstock
About Cristina Cavalieri D'Oro
Cristina is a lifestyle coach who helps women unite with their bodies and minds, reclaiming their health, confidence and energy to have the lifestyle they desire. She helps her clients release the layers that are holding them down so they can finally BE the star of their life. Join her community of The Feel Good Body & Mind Group. You can find out more about Cristina at www.cristinadoro.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Spot on.
Thank you!
Thank you for this article. I’ve recently broke out of a close friendship that was destructive, poisonus, evil and simply painful for me. And it’s been hard to face it, I’ve been through a rollercoaster of emitions lately. But I have really learned my lesson, and will no longer invite destruction into my life. And in the long run, I’m greatful for this experience, because it has been a great learning opportunity, no matter how hard it’s been, and how angry and hurt I’ve been.
Everyday is a learning experience. Some lessons can be taught, while others can be a painful reminder.
I admit I was in relationships with those who weren’t good enough for me. I grew tired of settling for less, especially when someone doesn’t have anything to offer. My ex-boyfriend NEVER contacted me for over one month!! He NEVER made himself available in case if I needed anything. I could NEVER talk to him about my problems, because he wasn’t there for me AT ALL!! Since there was no communication, I walked away. I found someone way better than him. Although my ex-boyfriend did give me a new phone number, I haven’t stayed in touch. He doesn’t know what’s going on, so I’m going to allow my actions to do the talking for me.
It took a long time for me to understand that I deserve better. I shouldn’t have to lower my standards for someone who’s unable to keep it real.
Thank you, Cristina for sharing an eye-opening story.
For the past two years of my life I was in a relationship I knew from the beginning, was bad for me. He was the type of guy that constantly needed affirmation from everyone and couldn’t live without the validation of having at least 3 girls gawking after him. I blatantly told him how uncomfortable and devalued this made me feel. He told me he had no control over the way people behaved around him even though he would not only encourage flirtatious advancements but welcome them. The moral of the story? I ended things. It has been very hard for me to deal with all of the emotions I suppressed throughout the course of the relationship, as they surface now but I am hopeful. I am hopeful to respect myself enough to keep moving forward even though these horrid feelings bring me back. I am hopeful that I will eventually learn to respect myself enough so that another person can see this in me too!
Thanks Christine. You are absolutely right. You cannot accept love from someone when you do no love who you are. Most of us are looking for love on the outside who will love us enough to substitute for the love we do not give ourselves. Unfortunately. not loving one’s self is never an option.
You’re welcome Nina! And I agree, every experience is there for a reason, so glad that you’ve taken charge <3
Totally agree!
Thank you for sharing Holly and yes the more you learn to respect yourself, the more others will. It’s an ongoing journey and you can definitely do it!
You’re welcome LaTrice, so glad it resonated with you!
Great Article, definitely in the phase where I recognize my destructive patterns and looking for validation. Healing and self-love is key!
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Dear Cristina, I am currently in a relationship with a guy whom i love. We are currently in a situation where we can’t see each other every day. We used to be together almost everyday since we went to the same college and then when i graduated (and he has still 1 year to finish) we had problems, well he had problems because i started working for my parents’ business and we could only spend time atleast 3 times a week. And he couldn’t accept it because for him he needs to see me everyday if possible. For him he only asks for this because he wants to spend time with me because he loves me so much and he has been giving all his time and effort for me. He also hasn’t cheated even once until now and we’re in our 3rd year being together. All he wants is to cut some time at work to spend time. But i can’t because i have strict parents and they’re difficult to deal as well since they have expectations from me and it’s like my life is already planned out for them. In short i have narcissist parents and i couldn’t talk them out to anything. So that’s another problem that my boyfriend couldn’t deal with. Since he has the total opposite kind of parents. All i want to say is, is this my fault? Did i let him treat me this way because i also see myself as this person? Not confident and locked up by my parents rules. He’s always telling me to stop letting them control me but for me i’m just obeying them since i still live under my parents’ roof until then i can do whatever i want. And yes he doesn’t understand that and he feels different about it. We have a different point of view about it… Do i have to break things off with him? Since i feel like he wants to but he’s just not telling me.