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UNLOVED

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  • June 17, 2026 at 9:46 pm #458705
    anita
    Participant

    I didn’t know that I grew up Unloved. I thought I was loved but that I was guilty of intentionally rejecting my mother’s “love”, that I was cruel for rejecting her.

    I believed my mother was good and loving, and that I was bad and unloving.

    In my mind’s eye, she was the loving child and I was the cruel, rejecting adult.

    … often she did look like a child: her voice, her facial expressions, her naivetee. Often I saw in her the child frozen within an adult exterior.

    She was uneducated, unsophisticated, easy to feel sorry for. Had a terrible childhood, a terrible life. Never got to be safe as a child.

    I loved her so much, as if I was the adult loving a lonely, unloved child.

    She told me that I was ungrateful and bad and mean. I believed her.

    She told me that I was hurting her, that I was intentionally trying to hurt her.

    And I believed her.

    She told me that I was a Nobody, a Nothing, a ” big zero”, and I believed her.

    More later.

    June 18, 2026 at 8:12 pm #458742
    anita
    Participant

    One of the reasons it’s so difficult to look back and see my mother as she was- is the child’s way of seeing things in black- and- white, all- or- nothing (binary thinking) characteristic of young children.

    Integrating shades of grey into black and white thinking happens when people mature.

    So, looking back tonight, I see that I saw her as an injured child that I needed to take care of OR the abusive adult that she was, the monster. Integrating these 2 images is difficult.

    I have a vivid memory of one of the Pet Cemetary movies decades ago. In one of the scenes, a 5-year-old or so boy who murdered someone, when caught, is shown with the corners of his mouth down, like an innocent child about to cry. And it hit me so strongly back then that I remember it so vividly decades after watching that movie.

    Because that’s what my mother was to me: abusive, cruel… and yet, an innocent child. I couldn’t integrate those 2 aspects of her: which one was real?

    Answer: it wasn’t one OR the other, it was both. Human monsters are not like the monsters depicted in some cartoons (all bad, all of the time). They were once children, and like it’s true for any adult, the child is still there.

    And so, part of the typical abusive adult, even the severely abusive, still carries that innocent child.

    The child part doesn’t cancel- or excuse- the monster part. It’s just the nature of a Human Monster.

    Anita

    June 19, 2026 at 7:01 am #458750
    Thomas168
    Participant

    Time and shared space makes us who we are inside. So I believe that whoever your mom was, she did love you in her own way. Deep inside feelings that don’t get expressed. She di love you. How could she not? How could you not? But circumstances take their toll on the human spirit. It shades our outlook on life. Our understanding of our lives are taken in episodes. Each re-enforcing the next. So, sometimes things get twisted that we don’t see the truth. Or we just can’t untangle ourselves from the experience to learn who and what we really are. The suffering.

    Personally, I believe you have come thru your experiences that you have become a better person. You bring compassion and love into your posts. You take the time to help each person. And you agonize over the little things to find the truth. I hope that you will overcome your past to find the freedom and happiness that you so righteously deserve.

    June 19, 2026 at 9:07 am #458762
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Thomas:

    Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful message and for your kind words 🙏🙏🙏.

    My experience with my mother was not one of hidden love. It was one of absence, and that’s the truth I’m working with. What I’m exploring is how that lack of love shaped me.

    I appreciate your kindness and the care behind your message 🙂

    Anita

    June 20, 2026 at 8:50 pm #458783
    anita
    Participant

    Unloved, Invisible, Alone; chronically ashamed, guilty, self- doubting, tormented inside, distressed:

    Ohhh.. wow, what a life!

    Like living in a pressure cooker of mental- emotional distress.

    And what a relief to be healing these days faster than ever, finally breaking through walls.

    Totally worth it even though I am no longer young, even though it took so long.

    🌿 Anita

    June 23, 2026 at 6:34 am #458839
    Thomas168
    Participant

    Breaking free of those chains that bind us to our past is worth it at any age. It reduces the Karma that might follow us into the next life.

    June 23, 2026 at 9:19 am #458846
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Thomas 🙂

    Reading your words- that breaking free from those chains that bind us to our past is worth at any age feel validating and comforting this Tuesday morning 🙏

    I would say that those chains, for me, were early-life undeserved and ongoing SHAME, GUILT and SELF-DOUBT.

    I also like what you wrote today on another thread: that expeiencing the truth about ourselves is the goal, and that this experience leads to wisdom and compassion.

    When I experience the truth about myself- that I was not a shameful, guilty and cognitively faulted child (not thinking right, misinterpreting reality)- then I am able to have compassion for myself and for others, and develope wisdom.

    Loving myself (practicing compassion for myself) and loving others are two sides of the same coin.

    Reading from you, Thomas, has become a better and better experience over time. You have a lot to offer and I appreciate you being here 🙏

    🌿 Anita

    June 24, 2026 at 1:16 pm #458878
    Thomas168
    Participant

    I truly hope your find the freedom and happiness and the love you so richly deserve.

    June 24, 2026 at 2:50 pm #458879
    anita
    Participant

    Thank you, Thomas 🙏 I wish you the same ✨🌿🤍😊, Anita

    June 24, 2026 at 11:51 pm #458892
    anita
    Participant

    Unloved not because I was unlovable.

    Unloved because the one who was supposed to love me- was incapable of loving.

    And there was nothing I could have done to make her capable, or willing. That ship (her incapability) had sailed before I was born.

    I lived a whole life believing I was unlovable: a personal tragedy.

    Now, I know that I am lovable. It makes me smile this Wed night, so close to midnight.

    Good night

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