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Ex is with someone else

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • October 15, 2025 at 10:51 am #450938
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi all. I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, moreso just a space to vent my feelings.

    One year ago, I made the decision to break up with my ex. Since then, I have learned so much about myself and the mistakes / reasons that went into our breakup. I had certain emotional and familial triggers that were unconsciously arising that I have since discovered from therapy. I have discovered that I’m transgender, and had poor self-image / self-confidence / gender dysphoria issues that were suppressed during the relationship. We both had poor communication styles, and didn’t know how to approach conflict in a healthy way; avoidance being our preferred method for handling tough emotions.

    I am proud of myself for growing out of this relationship. Proud of myself for making the hard decision to break up – despite the fears of loneliness and insecurity that even persists to this day.

    That being said, with all of this healing and transformation – I find myself yearning to return to her as my new self. Especially since accepting I was transgender, I was planning to reach out and try to rekindle things. I discovered before I got the chance that she’s in a new relationship.

    This news destroyed me. Far more than I anticipated it would. I cried, barely ate nor slept for four days. Since then (about 2+ weeks ago), I find myself constantly ruminating and endlessly bargaining. Imagining a future where they break up and we get to be together again. I feel stuck in this cycle of rumination, bargaining, and delusion. My biggest block is the idea that we ‘could’ be together again. As in – it is literally and scientifically possible, despite whatever probababilities surround the possibility. And so I feel stuck on that possibility, instead of accepting that the future is unknown and out of my control.

    How strange! I am grateful that I get to experience these feelings and I hope that one day I am not stuck; that I can move on completely, and tolerate a future with or without her.

    October 15, 2025 at 11:11 am #450945
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    You are welcome to use this space to vent your feelings, all of them 😔🥺😢😠😊🥰🌞🌈💖🎶

    Giving all my feelings space to be is an important part of my healing process, not necessarily to act on all of them, but to give them space, let them breathe, so to speak.

    But this thread is about your feelings, your healing. I am looking forward to read more from you.

    🤍🌿 Anita

    October 15, 2025 at 5:17 pm #450959
    Thomas168
    Participant

    Not judging but trying to wrap my head around this. A transgender person in a relationship with a girl who themself had poor self image, poor self confidence and suppressed gender dysphoria. Happy they broke up with this girl. Now wants her back? But, she is in a new relationship. Well, it is good that you got vent. Releasing emotions is sometimes tough. I have found that writing things out sometimes helps to understand what happened. And sometimes not.

    Getting over an ex is always tough. It is easier said than done. It begins with a little time not thinking about her. Then more and more time not thinking about her. Soon, it gets easier not being with her. Wish you luck.

    October 20, 2025 at 7:14 pm #451107
    anita
    Participant

    I would like to read more from you. Lily, your thoughts, your feelings, and respond kindly, respectfully 🙂

    October 21, 2025 at 8:52 am #451130
    BAI
    Participant

    Dear Lily, it seems that this person’s presence is teaching you the final lesson you must face: love and separation. What may be difficult to accept is not necessarily that she has started a new relationship, but that you are still held back by the belief that you were not enough—that if you had been better, you might have returned to her side sooner in a new role. Is that how you feel, Lily?

    Perhaps you could try asking yourself: Is it the thought of “not being good enough” that you find hard to accept without her, or is it truly about her loving someone else? Maybe it’s a bit of both. Yet these external factors are not really about what you did or didn’t do, but rather reflect how two people can grow in different directions.

    She may not walk with you all the way to the end, but her presence has given you tremendous growth. The very fact that she appeared in your life is, in itself, of profound meaning to you. The red thread of fate still connects you—only not as lovers anymore.

    It’s okay to grieve this separation. Releasing these emotions is part of healing. You may reach out to your therapist—I truly hope this helps in some way.

    October 21, 2025 at 8:45 pm #451142
    Sushmita
    Participant

    Hey , is there anyone i need help.. i have been here earlier as well.idk where to start but i am going through a tough time.. i am struggling with my career as well as relationship. My parents didn’t approve the relationship with him, he left and now after 4 years i am still getting up with pain in the chest.. nothing without him is making sense..I tried talking to many others but this feeling doesn’t go away.. i try to study but then this feeling drowns me for days in a row.. he is not married yet. He is 29 i am 27.my mother asked me to run away with him but he has blocked me 4 years ago saying it would help us. I just can’t forget him. How to not feel this feeling every day and be able to live without him. It’s like i am waiting to die soon. Not voluntarily though. I know it’s not possible for us to be together. How do i be casual about it.Its not that i couldn’t let him go.. i have.. but just I don’t want anyone else… 5th year has started almost and nothing has changed..this feeling has died in me.. i am anxious as i write this.. i need stable mind to perform in exams but i m struggling

    October 21, 2025 at 9:08 pm #451143
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sushmita:

    I am sorry you’re going through a tough time. We talked more than 3 years ago.

    I’ll get back to you in the morning (Tues night here).

    Anita

    October 22, 2025 at 6:15 am #451150
    Thomas168
    Participant

    Hello Sushmita,

    Some say the first cut is the deepest. Meaning the first love is very ingrained in the heart and mind. Yes, makes it very difficult to let go of the past. But, in life, one doesn’t stop eating after the first meal is done. When one finishes the first loaf of bread, there is another loaf. And so, for one to move forward, there has to be someone else. That way, the space that was taken by the first love can be displaced by the present time and space.

    Memories and wishful thinking will cause you to suffer more than if you were able to let it go. And so that is the exercise, that when thoughts of the first love comes up to let it go. Do not follow or chase after it. Concentrate on your exams. Anytime those thoughts of him come, let it go. Do not think of him. Focus on your book learning. The more you make yourself work on the books and exam then the less hold those thoughts and memories will have their hold on you. You need the time away from those thoughts.

    Having a new person in your life is not easy at first. Especially when you haven’t met him yet. So, bide your time and be open to conversations. When it is right, you will know. But, for now, you need to get your mind on your studies. Good luck to you.

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