Hi Katie,

There are a couple of things going on here – you must have been very excited at the prospect of meeting your cousin whom you were close to once.  Unfortunately, your excitement quickly turned to disappointment when he made a play for your other cousin.  It was very rude of him not to acknowledge you and engage in conversation with you when he had invited you.  The years have passed since you were close (age 15) and you have both changed/grown since that time.  He has changed in ways that you do not like and he has disrespected you.

Your female cousin is also disrespectful towards you.  She has no right to criticize the way you look.  If she needs to talk to your ex who has abused you then she needs more than a nose job – she needs her head examined.  It sounds to me as if she has something to prove to herself through her flirtations.

In my opinion, you don’t need to concern yourself with them both wanting your cousin – look back on your post and ask yourself “why would you want them”.  Don’t let this bother you.  This has nothing whatsoever to do with your looks.  Take my word for this.

If it is possible, I would suggest that you don’t have so much to do with this particular cousin.  Beauty means different things to different people – if it’s true that she is laughing at you behind your back then she can’t be a very nice person.  That is UGLY!  Flip your thinking on its head – they were attracted to you FIRST.

You are making the wrong connection when you say things like “I am not beautiful enough for my exes”.  They are not kind enough, loving enough, sensitive enough, respectful enough, mature enough etc. etc. etc. to be with you.  You are worth so much more.

You need to talk to someone who can help you build your self esteem/confidence/self worth.  This is the value you place upon yourself.  This is about recognizing all the good characteristics that you possess and reminding yourself of them on a daily basis.  This is about learning to love yourself.

O.K.  Got that.

Peggy

Katie,

Firstly, your ex-boyfriend couldn’t have liked you very much if he emotionally and sexually abused you.  He is in the past and that’s where he deserves to be.  You liked and were close to your male cousin when you were 15 but did not want an intimate relationship with him.  You were able to confide in him as a friend.  ‘Abusers’ don’t like their partners to have relationships outside of themselves as it takes their power away.  It gives you a support network and they don’t want that.  This particular boyfriend needs therapy or at least needs to recognize that he has a problem (it’s not YOU, it’s him).  You are well out of this one.

Your male cousin clearly liked you at the time.  You are not in that time any more.  You are in the present.  You felt embarrassed at his behavior.  This is HIS behavior, not yours.  He has shown you a different side to himself and it is not very pleasant.  It sounds as if your cousin hasn’t yet moved on from you which is why he chose to hit on your other cousin in front of you.  You need to rise above their shallow behavior.  Stand tall, not small.

Right now you are feeling rejected and that hurts.  It may take a while for these feelings to subside.  You have invested your emotions into these two cousins and now you need to withdraw them.  Meantime, give yourself all the tender, loving care that you can and slowly but surely you will begin to mend.

I don’t understand your statement to Inky that “you currently have a boyfriend but that doesn’t stop anyone nowadays”.  Are you saying that you don’t trust your boyfriend to be loyal to you?

Peggy

Hi Katie,

Did I miss something? The other guy was also your cousin?? OK, if so, that is a no-brainer: Let him hit on your other cousin all he wants! We have family reunions to let the young folk know “See these people? Don’t hook up with them if you see them around!”

You are very young. You will change exponentially in brains, bravery and beauty with each passing year. These guys had one SMALL golden opportunity to have you: And they blew it. THAT’S the narrative we want you to have in your mind: THEY BLEW IT!

You will only surpass them as you get older and see right through them.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

Hi Katie,

It’s good that you are able to laugh in your post – it shows that you are already feeling better.  As it had only just happened when you first posted, the thoughts were going round and round in your head which is why you probably felt confused.  Things sometimes become much clearer when we start putting our thoughts down on paper.

People don’t always behave in a rational way so I don’t think you should worry too much about working this out.  Neither of them should have put you in that position but they did.  The best way forward is to have as little to do with either of them again.

You can choose how you want to remember your previous relationships and if you felt your first love cared about you whilst you were seeing him and talking to him, then that’s the best way to remember him.  If he does form a relationship with your cousin and you are still in touch with her then wish them luck and leave them to it.  Don’t share personal details – withdraw from the ‘best friend’ status.

You have a new boyfriend now and that should give you a certain amount of confidence to move forward in a positive way.  Try and put some other new things in your life as well such as learning a new skill which will help to increase your self confidence and perhaps you’ll make some new friends along the way.

Take care.

Peggy