Dear Loelle:

I think that he is not ready to get married, not if you think of a marriage in any conventional way, such as the husband is to sleep with his wife every night, to let her know if he would be late home… not live in a van outside a casino… have a job, these are a few things that come to mind.

I wouldn’t refer to him as my fiancé anymore, if I was you, but as a live-in friend/ boyfriend who may move out at anytime, and who “hasn’t figured things out” yet, just like he said.  First thing for him to figure out is finding a job that is not a corporate job, has an interest for him (even if it is not a thrill for him), and which may lead him to a career that he will find interesting and be good at.

anita

Hello Lorissa,

One thing that jumps out at me from your post is that you are very focussed on what your partner does or doesn’t want without giving much of an indication about your own needs, wants, desires and ambitions.  Here are my thoughts on your situation.

1.     Change:  Change is always unsettling even when it seems positive like moving in together.  There has been job loss and unwanted pregnancy.  These three things all have the ability to cause stress.

2.     Commitment:  You both need to be committed to this relationship.  He doesn’t want to buy a house, have a wedding, take a vacation.  On top of this, he stays out all night without telling you of his whereabouts, leaving you to worry.

3.     Responsibility:  He wants to live in a van outside a casino playing poker to pay for his keep.  He doesn’t want a corporate job (assuming he could get one) and hasn’t managed to find an alternative job in which he can be happy.

4.     Space:  Give him the space he needs to sort out his own stuff at his own parent’s home and and encourage him to visit his best friend that he hasn’t seen in years.

Two weeks isn’t going to be anywhere near enough time for your partner to sort out his own stuff.  I don’t know whether he lived with his parents immediately before moving in with you but it’s back to his comfort zone.  In this same two weeks, you will have the opportunity to think about what it is that YOU want.  Perhaps you will set some time aside to meditate on this.  The whole point about meditation is that you are in your own space so it hardly matters whether or not you were in the parking lot with him.

Here is my advice – I think I said it above.  Make the next two weeks about YOU, YOU and YOU.

Best Wishes

Peggy