Dear Yonatan:

I read a good part of your fascinating love story that I wished materialized into a loving marriage, it read promising for a while until.. it didn’t. I need to be away from the computer next and will be back to read and re-read your post (and anything you may add to it) and reply Friday morning, in about 15 hours from now.

I hope other members will reply to you as well.

anita

 Hi Yonatan,

Good life partner never treat you like this. Your GF didn’t understand your worth. Good life partner will truly appreciate who you are. She is not meant for you. Don’t worry about this breakup. Try to divert your mind. Find a new hobby. Break up will teach us self-learning / self-discovery. You will slowly understand good things behind this break up when time passes by. Feel the pain and take your own time to come out of break up. This pain will slowly lead you to right soul mate.  

 We need not to chase true love. It will come to us. Universe will take you to right life partner through this break up. Your true love (life partner) will come to you once you ready. Next time when you date take things slow. Try to understand the person’s nature. Maintain good friendship. Good friendship will lead us to understand about each other deeply. My spouse is my best friend ever.  

  Work on your self-esteem. Each one is special and unique. Who is the most important person in your life? That’s you…only you..!! Love yourself. Give good care to you first. Be the better person to attract better one. Practice unconditional love. Find out what is true love and true friendship? What can be true love behaviour?  

   Marriage is a divine connection between men and women. Its good friendship. Successful marriage relationship needs mutual love and respect, friendship. Pray to God to show the right person for you. One fine day you will end up with right person in your life….hearing Wedding bells :):) Good Luck!!

Dear Yonatan.

I feels so pity for you my dear. Fill your heart with courage and be strong ? . Women are devils.  In such a case did you try to sit down and iron out your grudges that was started in the process of your wedding.

I am just speechless of what ladies do of sudden.

I do understand your pain . I am also in such fields as well. All the best.

Dear Yonatan:

This is what I think happened: Maya’s parents have been very interested in getting Maya married to a Jewish man who will take care of all  financial matters of the wedding and marriage to follow.

They’ve been looking for a man for Maya long before you came along. They met quite a few candidates for the position but none of the candidates worked out. I think Maya rejected quite a few. By the time you came along, her parents have let Maya know that she is not to be very picky this time.

Maya introduced you to them that first visit in Maryland and they approved of you, seeing that you are indeed Jewish, employed and employable, your parents being in a good financial position, and you- eager to please them and easy for them to manipulate (to pay the bills). And so it was decided that you will be the guy to fit the bill, or in other words, you will be the guy to pay the bills.

And you did pay the bills. They wanted a big wedding and not pay for any of it and you were eager to comply and offered to pay all, then proceeded to do so, no questions asked.

Problem was that Maya didn’t like you. She liked the alpha male type, the one that appears confident. Alone with her parents, she tried to convince them that you are not a good candidate, weak, not strong. She told them things you said that indicate weakness. She cried to them. She tried to  make them feel sorry for her, saying that having sex with you will feel like rape. She wanted out of the approaching wedding and marriage but she needed to convince them first.

Her parents still wanted her to marry soon, and you still fit the bill somewhat, and they were embarrassed about going as far as they already did, so they decided to investigate the seriousness of your weakness by arranging for your therapy with their friend, having the friend then tell them.. if you are indeed too weak to be able to pay the bills throughout the years of the marriage to be.

Finally, Maya succeeded in convincing her parents and they decided that the wedding and the marriage was not a good idea after all, that you were not strong enough to reliably do well in a career and provide well enough for their daughter for a duration of a marriage, plus they fell sorry for their daughter crying and being so miserable.

The reason her father wanted you to erase all communication with them is so to erase evidence that they were looking for a man to  pay the bills. They feared that their communication with you will make them look bad in the eyes of others who may see those communications, being seen as looking for a man to..basically pay the bills. They returned the gold and diamond jewelry so to not look like ..gold diggers.

Your last line: “I will never find a girl as amazing as my Maya”- she was not amazing, really, in the context of the relationship with you, other than how she looked and her mannerism perhaps. But she was not honest with you. She told you herself that she never meant it, all the times she told you that she loved you.

“I cannot stop blaming myself”- for not seeing what was going on, I  suppose you are responsible for that. But Maya is responsible for being dishonest with you all along. And her parents are responsible for the same, being dishonest with you and for trying to take advantage of you financially.

anita

Dear Yonatan:

Maya at one point on complained that you were weak, while all along it is she who was weak. But then, we are all weak and strong, all at the same time and at different times.

We tend to reject in others what we don’t like in ourselves. She asked you questions about your issues, dig and dig, is the verb you used, while all along she had serious issues herself.

“Whatever I gave her, usually was never enough. She didn’t like the 1k diamond ring.. the setting of the wedding..”- something was very wrong in her life, and it wasn’t the diamond ring or the setting of the wedding. It wasn’t you either.

“She loved the attention I gave her. She was willing to stay on the phone with me for hours. I always initiate(d) an end to our calls. She also got worried when I didn’t call her”- reads sincere to me. She needed love, sensed it being in you, and she wanted your love, more and more of it.

But she had another mission, more powerful than her desire for love. It wasn’t the ring, the jewelry, the money, something else.

“Maya simply no longer had any feelings for me. And I think her parents just followed suit in order to protect her”-

– something about what her parents wanted didn’t go hand-in-hand with love, something about what they wanted from Maya all along made it so that nothing was right for her, something was always wrong.

anita

Dear Yonatan:

I need to be away from the computer for a while and I know it is soon Shabat for you, so I hope you have a restful and calm Shabat. I will be able to respond to your recent short post and to anything you may add to it when I return to the computer.

anita

Dear Yonatan:

I was too confident in my third post to you where I wrote to you what I thought happened. It was too soon for me to be that confident, and so it was only my beginning understanding of what happened, a series of possibilities as to what happened. The following is my current understanding of what happened (and it is still, a beginning understanding):

I was wrong earlier to suggest that Maya rejected you because you were not the alpha male type. She liked you early on and I don’t think you were ever an alpha male type. Even after you “started to cry in front of her, and confessed to her that I didn’t think I could ever get married”, she said “it was okay and that she wanted to continue”, and after that crying, “We pronounced ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and we spoke every night on FaceTime for hours”.

Later, at another time, after your engagement party,  you “started to cry”, but this time, she “got frustrated, saying she needed space”.

When she called off the wedding, “you fell on the floor and begged her… I was on the floor in front of her”. She told you to stand up and you “stood up immediately”, but in front of her parents, you “fall on the floor again”-

– you repeatedly fell to the floor, not because you were too weak to remain standing, but becasue you chose to fall. When Maya told you to stand up, you “stood up immediately”, meaning you were able to stand up immediately.

“I stood up immediately and felt completely abused”- you weren’t abuse because it wasnt Maya or her parents who pushed you down to the floor, you chose to do that.

Throughout the relationship, you often felt very uncomfortable: “I got more nervous.. I was feeling less confident.. I was afraid… I was getting extremely stressed… I didn’t deserve her”. When you and Maya discussed the marriage, you felt like you were “being judged” by Maya and then you “confessed to her that I didn’t think I could ever get married“. Later you felt that “her parents started to become pushy”.

Maya and her parents wanted things that you felt were unreasonable and unfair to you, but you kept agreeing: “She wanted the wedding in Florida and I agreed.. she wanted to invite 200-250 of HER friends to the wedding. I agreed”- notice you typed HER in capital letters, suggesting that you were angry about it.

“she said she couldn’t afford much.. I offered to pay for the whole wedding”. You wrote: “Maya’s parents organized the wedding, and my parents and I just sent money checks”- clearly you felt angry, believing Maya and her parents were taking unfair advantage of you and your parents.

You were angry at Maya and at her parents, stressed and exhausted and you were very uncomfortable about getting married. You talked to the psychologist about your “current anxieties of moving to Florida, finding a job, and providing for Maya”.

You felt so uncomfortable, so distressed that  when you left Florida at one point, “you felt terrible because I thought I was suffering a severe mental illness”, and your distress did show, leading Maya to “freak out and asked if I had schizophrenia”.

Maybe Maya and/ or her parents aimed at taking advantage of you all along, find a man to pay the bills. Maybe they were truly unable to pay the bills and you enthusiastically volunteered to have the bills paid, telling them it was perfectly fine with you.. while it was not fine with you.

At this point I think that you were very conflicted, you wanted Maya so you did all the things she and her parents wanted, but on the other hand, you didn’t want to proceed with Maya, so you exaggerated your mental issues, communicating to Maya and to her parents something like:  I am too messed up to get married! I am sick! I am unwell! Set me free from this predicament. And it worked.

I wrote to you earlier that we are all weak and strong, all at the same time or at different times. When you fell to the floor repeatedly, that appeared like weak behavior, but it was strong behavior, because it helped you achieve a goal. Her father reacted to your falling by giving you did once you back all that jewelry that you gave Maya, that was a win for you.

Better be strong and honest, better not exaggerate your emotional issues so to make things happen a certain way, better direct your life honestly and see to it that others are honest with you.

anita