Teena

What are you doing with your life now you don’t have?  School? Other activities? Reading?  That’s a start of a conversation.  When you limit your shared life by not really sharing an in person life then it’s more of a challenge to stay connected especially when you don’t share the same interests anymore.

Mark

Dear Tenna:

Aiming at understanding your boyfriend better I ask:

1. What kinds of movies does he enjoy most?

2. What kinds of games, of what topic?

3. In games he plays for hours and hours, what does he like least and what does he like most, what parts of the games?

4. Does he live with his parents; what is his relationships with his parents/ family?

anita

Dear Tenna:

I asked about the games but I am not familiar with gaming at all but am familiar with gamers, so I wasn’t able to benefit from the titles of the games and gaming glossary. (You didn’t have a way of knowing I wasn’t familiar with these things when answering 2-3).

To try to get something out of your answers to 2 & 3, I will paraphrase what I did understand: he likes Fantasy games based around teamplay- does that mean he likes team work, a number of individuals working together for the purpose of achieving an objective that will benefit all?

“He really enjoy playing with other people”, so team work? And he enjoys planning how to achieve an objective (“come up with a strategy or tactics..”)?

Regarding #1, he likes to watch movies about super heroes. Did you notice him trying to be some kind of hero in his life outside movies and games, be it in small ways, or ways that appear not too impressive, but still?

You wrote regarding his mother that he “often help her out by carrying the groceries or cooking”- did he tell you that or did you observe that when you visited him? Will you tell me more about what he told you and what you observed regarding his relationship with his mother, how she treats him and what he thinks and feels about her?

anita

Dear Tenna:

You started your thread with: “I am seeking advice on how I can improve my relationship”- if your aim is a long term relationship with him, a future of living with him, maybe getting married and so forth, then I have the following input and advice according to my best understanding of the little information I have:

He is motivated to please his mother. This means that in the context of the relationship with you now and more so in the future, when he lives with you, he will be motivated to please you. Don’t use it to take unfair advantage of him, but use it for your benefit and his benefit.

Unlike his mother, don’t criticize his efforts to please you. Instead  express your positive appreciation every time- now in the long distance context and continue when you visit him.

When you ask him to do something for you (and do ask him, he is likely to be glad you do)- ask for a small thing, one thing at a time, so to not overwhelm him, then when he does what you asked him to do, express your appreciation. Later on, ask for something else. (Again, what you ask is for your benefit and his, having the win-win principle of benefit in the relationship).

Don’t demand that he does this or that, don’t overwhelm him, don’t be “a bit too much sometimes”, like his mother, but be assertive, a gentle leader of sorts, in the relationship.

When you see him in person, do tasks together as a team, just as you did before and more. Not always, but often.

Help him maybe in his employment efforts, keeping in mind that he likes team work and planning a strategy to obtain an objective, see if he is capable of doing jobs that involve team work and planning. Or a job that will lead him to a higher planning position later on. Maybe you can talk with him about his employment prospects some of the time?

anita

You are welcome, Tenna. I hope you post again whenever you want to.

anita