Dear Giulia:

It’s been three years since you posted here, April-May 2016. Welcome back!

Three years ago you wrote, “I have a deeply ingrained belief that if I do what I do what I want to do for myself and my children, then I am not grateful”. You wrote about this core belief: “This is something that permeates all decisions in my life, trying to please others and prove that I am positive and grateful.. I do not do what I need to do because I feel guilty”.

Your goal then was to “choose based on what is right, to make conscious decisions”, not based on guilt, not aimed at pleasing people at the expense of yourself and your children, but instead, do what is right for you and for your children.

When you were a child, your father drilled into you the belief that you were upsetting  your mother, “my father would say now look what you’ve done you’ve upset our mother”. And you wrote, “I have been blamed all my childhood- blamed for being me.. blamed for being bullied. It’s a pattern”. You learned early on: “I can’t do anything that I want I have to think about everybody else, I have to please everybody else otherwise I am ungrateful.. selfish”.

Your husband has been a very irresponsible father and husband. By 2016 you moved about 20 times, 4 times internationally. “He arranged two international moves against my wishes”, you wrote. And he has placed you and your children in uncomfortable, vulnerable situations.

Since your second and third children were born, about 10 years ago, your husband moved out of your shared bedroom, “so he could sleep, but still wanted to have visits to me for his sexual fulfillment… I live a separate life from my (husband)”.

Because of the repeated moves, your children had to change schools many times and you were often isolated, “I barely leave the house.. I am extremely isolated”. You have been trying very hard to be a good mother, “I have done peaceful parenting courses.. read the whole library on parenting without yelling books… Everyday I set myself goals…trying to look for jobs, trying to  settle all my kids in the new school, trying to cook 2-3 meals a day, trying to keep the house clean and tidy…I sit with my kids every day and read for 1-2 hours. I  play games with them. I respect their feelings. I listen. I respond”.

But moving as often as you had without support or help, being isolated, overwhelmed, you experienced rage at times, controlled it well,  but not always: “Today I had a massive meltdown, I really hurt my children with my words.. I shamed them, and rejected them- and I feel so  sad that I hurt them… I’m just so overwhelmed, so lonely, so sad.. . If I could take a pill and it stops me having this rage, I’d take it”.

You shared that your family of origin were not supportive, were against divorce and “have undermined all my thoughts and feelings about (your husband’s) behavior-saying he’s nice and even that I’m making him behave like this”. You wrote: “I would say that is sure, that I cannot live close to family- it clouds my judgement and brings up too many triggers”. About your mother in law, you wrote: “Since I got married and before when dating, she has made it clear she dislikes me”. You tried to “help her like me by defending myself”. And she blamed you, saying “I make her son irresponsible because I’m not grateful for him”, and yet,  “I have repeatedly tried to encourage my kids  to have a relationship with her… but I have told her they aren’t used to being punished, bribed and threatened as that is her go to, they struggle being around her”.

Three years ago you were planning on “travelling to the UK to check out schools and options. At this point, April 2019, your son is 12 and your twins are 10. I figure you are still married, 13 years at this point (?), and that you live in the UK (?)

You wrote three years ago about your hypothyroid condition, “I’m constantly exhausted”, you wrote. And “I have a lot of digestive issues” and un unhealthy relationship with food. I wonder how your health is at this point?

“my biggest obstacle – sticking up for myself. I fear hurting others, but then end up doing so inadvertently because anger builds up negatively inside me, however much I try to push it down”-

My thoughts: it is very important that you do assert yourself with people, that you choose according what is right for you and for your children, not according to what will please your parents, or your mother in law, or your husband.. or strangers. It is most important that this anger that accumulates as you try to please people, does not end up expressed against your own children.

Three years ago you wrote, “I’ve taken great pains to build a community of support around me”. Three years later, yesterday, you wrote: “I am part of a community school that has a strong culture”.

You gave this community many hours of your time and resources and you also  challenged members of that community regarding their culture, or ways. You feel used, unappreciated and disrespected.

You suggested that you are considering leaving the community, and you also asked: “how can I stop talking negatively about the community but instead, be constructive and move forward?”-

-I am wondering, what kind of community it is, a school community or one you live in, a religious community? And by moving forward, do you mean leaving the community or remain there and feel better about it? Also, how are your children functioning within the community?

anita

Hi Giulea

I can’t change the way they behave – I know I have high expectations in a sense because of how it used to be. My question is how can I stop talking negatively about the community but instead, be constructive and move forward?

I like your question. I often wonder why its so difficult to do the thing and behave in the ways we want.  “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

Not to be trite but in the words of Yoda for such things there is no try only do. Meaning the best you can do is to become the change you wish to see. This means being very conscious/mindful of when your falling short and then doing better. No judgments against yourself or others, but a compassionate practice of doing better as you learn better.

Dear Giulia:

I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.

anita