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Facing my own expectations

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #283243
    Gautam
    Participant

    After my last relationship which ended in 2015, solitude and loneliness became my partner. Soon I was too comfortable with my own self. Within no time by 2018 I became socially active again and started to give upto the best of my abilities (I’m over giving when I care). I’ve been practising some spiritual methods to give without expectations from quite a time. It works fine.

    Recently, In 2018 Q4. I met this amazing girl and we gelled up really well. In this process I gave her all of me at one point of time. That was the moment when expectation crept in again. The need to get loved and acceptance from her. I continued my spiritual practice and balanced it really well.

    In 2019, we just leveled up. Got more intimate than before (nothing sexual). My expectation from her are ever increasing now. My over giving nature and being always there for her, makes me feel she now is taking me for granted. Relatively I’m more into her than before but she seems to be less available than before. There are these times (mostly during moon cycle) when I feel the intensity of emotions and expectations creeping up. Sometimes I mess up big time. These expectations when not fulfilled are hurting me and I can’t give her to the best of my abilities.

    How should I centre myself and love with little or no expectations again?

    #283267
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gautam:

    You can give a hungry person a meal without expecting anything in return, do charity acts like that. But in a personal relationship, where you interact with another person repeatedly, I don’t think it is possible to not have expectations of getting something in return.

    As spiritual as a person can be, a person is still a social animal and like other social animals, no individual gives without an expectation of getting something in return. For social animals relationships are give-and-take.

    anita

    #283349
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Guatam,

    It sounds like it’s time to Define the Relationship. What my husband did was say, “I’d like to date you exclusively if the feeling is mutual.” It was kind of awesome. It took my feelings into account. There was mutuality. It was respectful. And he was clear.

    Of course, she could shoot you down with the ancient I just want to be friends line. But at least she’ll know how you feel and what you want.

    Best,

    Inky

    #283419
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Gautam,

    You can never ask a person for more than they are actually willing to give. So you can keep giving, keep doing, keep liking, but the other person will never do what you hope for them to do because they don’t have to. The fact that you keep giving is entirely your choice, they did not ask for it, until you made it clear that they can ask for things. But remember, you gave them the signal that it was okay to ask for your help, you gave them the okay. But they will never see it as anything other than things friends do for each other until you’ve made it clear that you hope for more than a platonic relationship between you two.

    You can keep doing, but if you only expect something in return without even trying to voice it out, then all you’ll ever do is assisting the other person like so. You’ve never once asked for something in return nor have you ever voiced out your desire for romance. So the other person will assume everything was a friends’ thing because no conversations were brought up that you wanted more, that you actually wanted to date each other romantically.

    So can you blame the other person? Nope, you cannot. You’ve created the foundations of your relationship in that you gave, but did not even try to voiced out your needs nor desire. That other person is not a mind reader, you have to tell people what you want or else they can only assume that everything is okay as it is.

    #283597
    Gautam
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I understand what you are trying to convey. I agree with it.
    How can I make my expectations minimal? The need for validation, acceptance and reciprocation from her hurts me sometimes. Yes, I ask for help and share my problems, my dark days with her and she tries her best to be in there for me. I also try to be there for her everytime she needs someone to talk to.

    I also need help on how to introduce my romantic feelings for her in this bond we share.

    #283603
    Gautam
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

    Thank you for suck a wonderful insight. I haven’t defined a relationship properly in my mind till now.

    I’ll try to present what I think of it as of now,
    > There should be Mutual Feelings.
    > (Freedom) I don’t want to bind her or myself with the identity of “gf/bf”
    > The need to be in daily contact (talking for the sake of talking) shoulnd’t be there
    > (Honesty) About any any mistakes or personal truth
    > Freedom to say NO. No obligation since we’re partners.

    Please let me know if my definition of relationship is practical and apply to real life.

    #283605
    Gautam
    Participant

    Dear GL,

    I’m a noobie at expressing my desires and needs. My past conditioning led me to becoming this person who over gives and doesn’t ask for in return. I’ve been working on it and now I can ask for basic things like “i need to talk”, “I feel like… “. Somewhere I’ve this fear of being rejected and losing the bond we share and so I don’t directly express my desire of more from this bond.

    Please let me know how can give her a hint I’m romantically interested in her without sounding desperate for a relationship ?

    #283621
    Jaquetta
    Participant

    Dear Gautam,

    I wonder if you need to love and nurture yourself more ? Are you hoping for things from your partner because you are unable to provide yourself with those things ?

    We all need mutually fulfilling relationships but equally we are all completely whole as individuals. It’s our relationship with ourselves and with life that really matters. You mention the need for validation and acceptance. Can you validate and accept yourself?

    #283623
    Gautam
    Participant

    Dear Jaquetta,
    I can’t accept and validate myself in terms of romantic relationships. My last toxic relationship needs healing and I’m doing my best to forgive myself and the other. With rest bonds acceptance and validation is minimal.

    Can you suggest me way on how can I accept and validate myself?

    #283647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gautam:

    “I’ve this fear of being rejected and losing the bond we share and so I don’t directly express my desire of more from this bond”.

    Your desire is to have a romantic relationship with her (“I’m romantically interested in her”).

    You are afraid to ask her to be your girlfriend because you are afraid you will lose her altogether.

    But she has been less available to you recently (“I’m more into her than before but she seems to be less available than before”)- how is she less available and is it possible that she is involved romantically with another person?

    anita

    #283897
    Gautam
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ve started giving her romantic hints (like casual flirting, using different set of emoticons) and she is responding well.
    I was overthinking and I will try to be at peace with myself.

    How can I self accept and validate myself so that I don’t seek it outside?

    Thanks

    #283945
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gautam:

    “How can I self accept and validate myself..?”-

    – my answer would depend on what it is specifically that you are afraid of, once you proceed romantically with her-  what is the danger there for you?

    anita

    #284005
    Gautam
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel I’ve invested a lot of me in her. If for any reasons she leaves, “I’ll lose a part of me”.
    A slight fear of rejection is present too (Manageable)

    #284011
    Mark
    Participant

    Gautam,
    I am not sure which culture you are in but for me, I live by the rule of being straightforward and authentic.

    If you are interested in her romantically then why not tell  her directly?

    As they say, “Go big or go home.”

    Mark

    #284091
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gautam:

    What if you ask her to be your girlfriend, ask her is she would like to be your girlfriend and listen to her response. If her response is not clear, ask for clarification: what do you mean by (this or that), look for the answers to the questions in your head by asking her questions and listening to her answers.

    If you would like to read what I think of any particular answer she gives you, post about it and I will be glad to give you my understanding.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)

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