Can you tell us any more about him as an individual? Did he just start doing this or has he always been nitpicky or quick to anger? Is he stressed out at all? Any history of depression/anxiety? Is he happy with most things in his life? His accomplishments, work, social relationships, etc.

His constant accusations of not being able to trust you are a red flag, though. He either has some issues with abandonment (especially if any of his previous girlfriends have cheated on him or if he is a child of divorce that resulted from infidelity) or he’s doing something he’s afraid you’re doing, too.

No matter what, though…. make sure you are sticking up for yourself when he does these things. Do not allow him to treat you in a way that you do not deserve.

Yeah, it sounds like has issues he needs to work on. It’s possible that this is just how he is. His culture may have something to do with it as well, but it’s said that 6 to 7 months is about the time that the “honeymoon phase” in a relationship starts to wear off (although sometimes it lasts longer than that), and that’s when you really start to see people’s true colors.

So, I think the decision now lies on you and what you’re willing to put up with. If it were me, I would have a serious talk with him about his behavior and let him know it’s unacceptable. If he cannot stop accusing you of cheating and all of these other things, then you should either break up or he should seek counseling if he’s willing and wants to change. But that will only work if he WANTS to do it. He may be able to change on his own without counseling if he actively works to change his behavior, but, again, he’d have to want to. Otherwise, if he is unwilling to see how his behavior is affecting you and unwilling to change, I would move on and find someone who would treat you better, because I can imagine it would be hard be stay happy in a relationship where this kind of treatment is going on.

I talked to my sister about it this morning and she thinks I’m in a mentally abusive relationship that will only get worse.  COuld this be true? Am I with an abusive man and not even aware of it?

Yes. This could absolutely be true. The way that you’ve described that he speaks to you… that’s not acceptable, especially if you’re not doing anything to warrant it (like you’re not actually cheating, so he should have no reason to accuse you as such and especially not so often). The way he treats you also makes you feel bad, right? That kind of thing can actually be pretty damaging emotionally if you put up with it for too long and don’t stick up for yourself, so I would agree that it could be a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship.

There’s a difference between someone who has insecurities and deals with them in a constructive way by having a conversation at an appropriate time to try to resolve those insecurities and someone who is just being a jerk about everything. You know what I mean?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Valora.

Yes, exactly. And telling you you’re stupid is NEVER necessary and, in my opinion, it IS abusive. That’s something that someone should never tell a partner.

He starts conflict and then blames you for starting the conflict? Is it possible he’s narcissistic? He seems to want to push you down, emotionally. If he doesn’t admit to doing anything wrong, including not recognizing that the negative things he says are not okay to say, then that is NOT a good sign and it’s unlikely to change. You have to be able to know and understand and admit to any bad behavior before you’re able to change it.

From the sounds of things, even if he really is purposely trying to get you to be the one to break up, I probably would go ahead and do that. That is one surefire way to get the behavior to stop because you won’t have to be around him anymore.

Dear Linda:

Clearly he has been abusive to you. You wrote about his unreasonable, angry behavior: “It all seemed to come out of no where.. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on in his head. I don’t think he’s even 100% aware of what’s going on with him”.

I believe that it all does come from somewhere- from those Formative Years of his childhood, and that he is far from being 100% aware of what is happening, not even close.

Seems like he experienced serious, repeating rejection and betrayal in his childhood. The memories of those rejections and betrayals, the events and his strong emotions during those events got imprinted in his brain via permanent neuropathways, connections between brain nerve cells.

Years or decades later, those rejection/betrayal neuropathways still exist and they often get activated in the present-

-he sees you on the phone, ex. 2,  and very quickly his pathways were activated. Next, under the influence of the emotions recorded in these pathways, he interprets your attention to your phone as your rejection of him. He feels and believes that you just rejected him and no amount of explanation or solid evidence can convince him otherwise.

-you receive a phone call, ex. 4. His pathways get activated, he feels and believes that you betrayed him and talked to another man. No amount of evidence that you talked to your sister will convince him otherwise.

Next he punishes you for what he feels and believes that you did- this is the abusive part.

Unfortunately, there is no way for you to help him. You can only help yourself by ending the relationship. I wish someone suggested quality psychotherapy for him. I don’t think he will take it well if you suggest that.

What do you think?

anita

Linda,

Regardless of his childhood, his behavior is unacceptable.  He does not treat you with respect or kindly.  He does not take responsibility for his own behavior.  Relationships tend to change after being together around 9 months or so.  The honeymoon period fades.

I would look at your own family background rather than his.  Look at why you chose this guy as your boyfriend.  I bet it has something to do with your family of origin.

Mark

Dear Linda:

I read your recent post and re-read the previous ones. You wrote in your original post that you are confused, that you are “trying to figure out what’s going on in his head”, and you were wondering if he is doing what he is doing “because he wants me to be the one that ends our relationship?”- to suggest answers to these, I am still referring to his childhood, because what is going on in his head now has a lot to do with those early years.

Here are my comments this morning:

1. The fact that he is from a different country and culture does not make any difference when it comes to a young child being beaten by his father and watching his mother and brothers being beaten as well. The child gets scared  even if it is “completely normal and acceptable” in a certain country to beat one’s children. The child experiencing and witnessing regular violence at home does not say to himself something like: oh, it is normal and acceptable, therefore I am not scared, I am fine, no problems. The child is damage just the same regardless of country, culture, race and religion.

2. If your boyfriend expressed to you that his father beat them if he “deemed it necessary and for their own good” and that he had “a very happy childhood”, that means that he is in denial of the reality of his childhood: his father beat them all not for their own good, but for his own relief and sense of power. He is in denial (minimally aware) of what motivated his father and of what he felt as a child.

But these feelings that he has denied for so long, they don’t accommodate denial and go away; instead, they keep getting activated in present life. This is why it is necessary to see one’s childhood as it was, so to place those feelings in the past, where they belong, and no longer experience them in the present where they don’t belong.

3. “He started getting nitpicky and quick to anger around 6 months in and since it has continued to increase in frequency and severity”- we all have distressing neuropathways formed in childhood, some more than others. People who have lots of those get triggered often in the context of relationships with people. Dozens of happenings a day or during one hour, as trivial as a person looking away for a moment when spoken to, trigger those pathways.

I am guessing that for six months it was a combination of him feeling in-love and that euphoric feeling replaced lots of the activations and of him controlling his behavior because he learned from experience that his angry behavior pushed people away.

After six months or so, the euphoria decreases, activation of distressing pathways increases, he is uncomfortable a lot, cares less about pushing you away, so I figure you have a point when you asked if he is trying to cause you to end the relationship.

If the relationship ends, so will his frequent distress.. until the next relationship. He is aware that his angry behavior pushes people away, so I think you have a point, he wants to push you away so to feel better.

-why don’t you suggest to him (in a public place, perhaps a quiet enough coffee shop) to end the relationship and see how he reacts?

anita