Dear Lily:

You wrote, “I have so much baggage”. You and the baggage you carry are not the same thing: there you are the person and there is the baggage you are carrying, two separate things.

You are worried that your baggage will be a burden to another (How does one believe they deserve love and aren’t a future burden”)- it is not necessary that she has to carry your baggage. Over time it is possible for you not to carry that baggage, not to be burdened with it yourself.

anita

Dear Lily:

I re-read your posts in the previous two threads and in here as well. I read about what you referred to as your mistakes, those you are so ashamed of.

You wrote, “I’m the poster child for ‘stay away from porn as a kid, especially if you’re a victim of abuse”- I do hope you continue to write that novel you mentioned and that this message will be made loud and clear. It is true, I read so many accounts of young people being damaged by watching pornography, including that anime you mentioned. I wish there was no such thing as pornography of any age, for any age, no such industry, no producers, no performers, no customers.

You wrote, “I feel permanently dirty… I am a ruined person and a freak… garbage” and you wrote, “I think I’m the small percent of people who can’t be mentally helped”- I think that part of you wants to punish yourself, not to help yourself. It resists being helped, rejecting it.

“Someone messed up my life and then I messed up my own life”, you wrote. I think that it always happens this way, someone messes up the life of  a child badly and as a result the child, then teenager, then adult lives a dysfunctional life, making impulsive choices that further damage one’s life. There is nothing unusual about it happening in your life.

You wrote, “I feel old and worn out and like I’ve already ruined my life, and there’s no point now”- back to that part of you I mentioned earlier. it is a punishing part. It says to you something like: you are bad. Nothing you can do about it. Nothing anyone can do about it. Case closed.

As this part keeps its commentary, you have to return to another part of you, a part that is too small right now, a part that needs to assert herself against the punishing part. You can call it the Healing Part. For the healing part of you, case is not closed. Help is possible. And you are a good person.

When you find yourself … under the influence, so to speak, of the Punishing Part, invite the Healing Part to the scene, have her speak to you, hear her voice over the voice of the punishing part.

anita