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How to let go when it never ended

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  • #209363
    kali
    Participant

    I dated a guy for 2 summers, we’ll call him T. He would work here for the summers and then move back home the rest of the year so about 6 months we would date at a time. A part of me always felt like he was using me because of his profession (athlete) and it was very sexually driven, but I didn’t mind because I was so sexually attracted to him more than I ever have been with anyone… it felt right. But there was also the emotional attraction. He was funny to me and I could also make him laugh, he is driven and wants to be successful like me, he has a great family and loves his mom, he drinks and dances just enough, smiled so big every time I walked up to him, I could go on and on. The last time we hung out it was a little awkward because I was in my own head. I didn’t know if I was going to see him again. For the first time I let out my emotions and told him I felt like he was using me and only cared about the sex. He told me that he liked spending time with me and cared about me. I had never told him I liked him, and we had never talked about long distance. I think I was very on guard because I have felt used before and it sucked.

     

    Fast forward a year and a half later and I still have VERY vivid dreams. Like I look him in the eye and I see his exact brown eyes and his walk is the same and I hear his exact voice and accent and he says statements that his smooth-talking self would say but that I could never think of. It’s insane and it’s so so real. I never have vivid dreams either. He’ll also randomly reach out, sometimes sexual but most of the time it’s just complimenting me or asking how I am. It’s been a year and a half since we last saw each other! I can’t imagine if he was just using me that he would still reach out and talk to me. But I did get a boyfriend since then and I’m pretty sure he’s dated other people, and the last time I saw T he got traded so he doesn’t come back to my state anymore. He had said he will see me again someday. Idk what to think. And my poor boyfriend knows there’s someone on my mind sometimes but I don’t know how to get over him. I truly felt he was the one for me and I would spend the rest of my life loving him and cheering him on in anything he does.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by kali.
    #209381
    Mark
    Participant

    K,

    You are doing your boyfriend a disservice by not being fully present with him especially while thinking of someone else.  You are holding onto a fantasy of T.  You had sexual chemistry but little else except for projections of an ideal.

    How to get over him?  First make a conscious commitment to get over him and never be in contact with him.  Acknowledge that this is an idealization of who he is and did not really get to know him enough to see beyond this.

    How long have you had this current boyfriend?  If you truly respect him then let T go (in your head) or break up with him.

    If I was your boyfriend, I would not like it at all that I’m considered a placeholder for T and second best.

    Mark

    #209555
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi K,

    Does the current boyfriend know you dated a professional athlete? That would be pretty intimidating (I would imagine). At any rate, don’t say that you’re thinking about him! Don’t zone out, either, when you are with your boyfriend. I know, it’s hard, the mind likes to wander where it will wander.

    Well, the athlete got traded. That’s it, then. If the love was real, he could theoretically reconnect with you when he turns thirty and is moving onto his second career. Or you could dump the boyfriend and follow the team around or be a sports fiancée in waiting.

    Just relish the memories. (Not on your dates, of course!)

    Best,

    Inky

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