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I feel my friend is taking advantage of me

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  • March 14, 2018 at 12:17 pm #197289
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Newlifestartsnow:

    I think you should assert yourself with this friend (if friend is a correct word here). Tell her that you will not accommodate her anymore in the ways that you have. Tell her that not in an apologetic tone or way and not in anger, but in a matter of fact way, firmly. Look her in the eyes as you say that. It may be scary for you to do  so, but it will be a great exercise and is likely to make you feel so much better about yourself.

    Assertiveness is a necessary skill to have, to aim at, to practice, to get better at with practice.. a necessary skill to have in our quest for well-being and a good life.

    You don’t need to apologize to a person who is misusing you, as if saying: I am sorry that I don’t want you to take advantage of me. Instead, you state: I will not let you take advantage of me.

    I hope you post again.

    anita

    March 14, 2018 at 1:56 pm #197303
    Newlifestartsnow
    Participant

    So i should be the one to initiate it ?

    March 15, 2018 at 3:12 am #197343
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Newlifestartsnow:

    My advice: depends, if there was more to the friendship than her taking advantage of you, if she was at times helpful to you, if she did things for you, if she was attentive and kind to you, then it may make sense that you initiate contact with her and suggest that you talk.

    But do not apologize for not having let her take advantage of you last time,  and do not suggest that you are willing in the future to be taken advantage.

    Also, don’t suggest to her that she shouldn’t take advantage of you because she has all these advantages over you that you listed. Instead assert your position: what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do.

    Were there harsh words used before the two of you stopped talking, words she used or that you used, accusations and such?

    anita

    March 15, 2018 at 5:37 am #197367
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Newlifestartsnow,

    I wouldn’t talk to her. But if she dares ask for your notes again, simply say, “No” with no explanation. The awkwardness will fall squarely back on her. It sounds like the friendship is on the outs anyway if you feel like you are friends only when it suits her.

    It would be different if she made it to class most of the time.

    If you’re too scared to be direct, just say one of these each time she asks: “I wasn’t in class that day”, “My pen ran out”, “I’ll get those notes to you later” (not), “I can’t find the notes!!”, “I fell asleep in class!!!”, “I was talking to this hot guy during class and didn’t exactly write anything down!”, have the notes be illegible, have the notes be in shorthand.

    Oh my goodness, you can fun with this!!! She will quickly learn that it’s actually easier to get to class. If only to befriend someone else to give her their notes or to meet the imaginary hot guy!

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    March 15, 2018 at 2:40 pm #197505
    Mark
    Participant

    Newlifestartsnow,

    Your tinybuddha name tells me that you want to make changes in your life.  I wonder why you want to be friends who is out of integrity by using a handicap spot and being mad at you for refusing to do something that she is responsible for.

    I would examine yourself on why you want to stay in relationship/friendship with such a person.

    You already know that you are in the right on this.  You already asserted your boundaries on letting her know that you will not do her bidding anymore.

    We can tell you what to do or not to do.  This is up to you to determine how much you value yourself, your values, your boundaries.

    Mark

     

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