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Fighting family guilt

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  • February 2, 2018 at 12:05 pm #190291
    Sarah72
    Participant

    I have a toxic aunt and a toxic mother.  I have distanced myself from both. My mother is starting to throw guilt on me for not visiting my aunt in a nursing home, and now she is escalating her guilt attempts because my aunt is dying and my mom is adamant that I  visit her before she dies. Mom has started calling my husband for him to tell me to go. He is supportive of me maintaining my boundaries and my sanity.

    My aunt was my first bully. She made fun of me when I was a child and when I got angry about it, she acted like I was crazy, that she hadn’t done anything wrong  and I  was overreacting.  I noticed that peers did the same thing in school and dating partners did as well. I have stopped putting up with it. My aunt was also my mom’s first bully, but my mom chooses to continue to be ruled by my aunt. I don’t want to go visit and I won’t.  However,  it’s hard to set boundaries and be assertive with folks who don’t understand boundaries.

    February 2, 2018 at 12:08 pm #190347
    Mark
    Participant

    It sounds like you are holding strong to your boundaries in taking care of yourself.  It is good that your husband is supportive in that.

    There are these great things: Caller ID and Call Blocking for helping to keep boundaries.

    Mark

    February 3, 2018 at 5:24 am #190427
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sarah72,

    If you do visit your aunt, the decision should come from you, rather than from your mom’s guilt.

    The best that could happen if you visit, you’d see your aunt as a chagrined older person (who might apologize, who knows?) and stand in your power as a beneficent adult in the family.

    If you don’t, what you resist persists, I’m afraid, and you’re going to get the guilt bombs from your mom, even if she sends them psychically from afar. She is taking out her anxiety onto you. Your aunt can’t bully you if you’re not there and is finding your mom can’t control you.

    Kittens grow into cats. So no, you are not the bullied child anymore.

    Your decision!

    Inky

    February 3, 2018 at 8:55 am #190455
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah72:

    Your aunt has bullied your mother for many years. Your aunt bullied you as well, for years. Your mother is now bullying you to visit your aunt, the bully that the two of you have shared for many years.

    What you do next, I believe, is keep your assertion regarding your aunt, to not visit her. In addition to it, assert yourself further with your current bully. If your current bully, that is, your mother, keeps refusing to respect your assertion regarding your aunt, distance yourself farther from you mother, all the way to no contact at all, if that is what it takes.

    Doing so will be the right thing for you to do for your own well-being. In addition, it will give your mother a good example for what one should do with bullies.

    anita

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