Congratulations LotusLeaf on having the courage to take care of yourself by cutting Sister 1 out of your life.

How can you deal with Sister 2 being unhappy because there is disharmony between you and Sister 1?  I can only offer that you love Sister 2 and remind her that you need to love yourself first.

Plus you can love Sister 1 at a distance and if you can do that then remind Sister 2 that is what you are doing.

You can educate Sister 2 about boundaries as well.

Mark

Dear LotusLeaf:

You wrote that sister 2 is “very mentally ill, disabled, lives alone (and I assume dislikes living alone)

She told you that it causes her sadness and pain that you, her and sister 1 do not spend time together. You feel guilty that sister 2 is unhappy.

This is my thought: if you did re-connect with sister 1, and the three of you spent time together, sister 2 would still be unhappy because she will still be very mentally ill, disabled and living alone. At best you would bring a smile to her face for a moment or two.

If your “good sister” told you repeatedly that the choice you made to cut sister 2 out of your life, a choice that makes you happy, is making her unhappy, well… that is not very loving of her, is it.

Congratulations for ending all contact with a person who was abusive to you and to your husband!

anita

Hi LotusLeaf,

Congratulations on cutting Sister 1 out of your life! What an amazing step and an accomplishment to be proud of! Many people do not ever get to this place and it sounds like you are now healing and thriving!

I understand from your original post that Sister 2 is sad and hurting that you can’t go back to being a normal family unit– with all three siblings still in contact, and presumably your parents still around.  This sounds to me a lot like your sister is grieving.  She needs to go through this process and work through all of her feelings on her own, unfortunately.  his is not anything that you are responsible for fixing.  Perhaps your role in your family growing up may have been to always be “fixing” things, however, it sounds to me like you have outgrown this and now realize that it’s far more important and beneficial to everyone that you take care of yourself and your own partner/family first.  This is great!

Additionally, you say “She does not expect any resolution between me and the other sister, nor has she asked me to make up, for which I am grateful.”  It doesn’t sound like Sister 2 is putting any undue pressure on you to change anything of the current situation nor is she trying to put her feelings on you.  Sounds like she is respecting your boundaries and choices and is not asking you to make her happy.

So, as far as your question as to what to do in the situation– do you just mean about her being unhappy and grieving the previous family dynamic?  I don’t want to assume anything– could you explain exactly which part you’re looking to get guidance on?

Congratulations again on your removal of a toxic family member! Many good things are to come!!

Amy

You’re welcome for the insight, I’m glad that you find it useful!  It’s very understandable that you could start to worry about the future and how her current sadness or grieving might impact her mental health going forth.  That can be a slippery slope though, so as much as you can, I would offer that you try to focus on the current situation and remind yourself of the factual information you have about her rather than to start thinking too far in the future and whether or not birthdays or holidays will be effected.  Even if she does have to spend half holidays with you and half with the other sister, remind yourself that she is an adult capable of making these decisions and for managing the feelings that come with those decisions– you cannot feel things for her.  I sense that your intention is in the right place though and that you’re very worried about her.

I would suggest asking her directly how you can help her get through this process.  If you feel comfortable doing so, I would let her know how much you care about her, state that you are there for her and want to help, and reiterate that she has your support through this process even if it is hard.

Ask her specifically what, if anything, you can do to help her and then truly listen to what she does or doesn’t need.  Seeing people we love suffer can be very hard to sit with and we often just want to make it better for them as soon as possible.  But how you can help her best is to fully understand what she wants and needs as well as what she does not want and need.

She can speak best to her needs around her mental health and perhaps she’d like your help with certain things and not others (maybe would like help finding a therapist or taking her to appointments or maybe she just wants to have a weekly visit or call with you…options are really open here and a lot can be done)

It will likely help her so much to just know that she is not alone in this and that she has your support and to know that you can sit with the uncomfortable feelings of sadness and grief with her without trying to necessarily fix them for her.  Feelings come up and will dissipate eventually once they are able to be fully felt and accepted.

I hope this helps!!

Dear LotusLeaf:

I would like to suggest that you tell sister 2 to no longer express her sadness to you, over not having sister 1 there with the two of you. You worry about her sadness, and I, a non sister to you, LotusLeaf, am worried about your sadness over sister 2’s sadness.

Sister 2 owes you, if she is indeed a good sister, to be considerate of you, to not add difficulty to your life, to not burden you unnecessarily.

Her mental challenges are her own personal responsibility to endure, manage and heal best she can. You have your own challenges to attend to, to endure, manage and heal, best you can.

anita