“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown
Human beings are genetically programmed to desire love. Embraces are as important to us as food and water.
Perhaps that’s why when we find someone—the wrong someone—we’re often too blind to see it.
We feel it and yet we hide it away, write it off as an odd case of commitment phobia or just a hiccup in our new relationship, oblivious to the fact that were heading into a future of sleepless nights, constant worrying, and consistent phone checking.
Even when every hidden fiber within us tells us to walk away, we stay.
I recently experienced something similar. We first met back in high school, different people from completely different worlds. He was the guy that had all the friends; I was shy and quiet.
Fast forward five years and we meet again. This time he’s in pre-law and I’m a writer trying to figure out her calling.
We meet for drinks, coffee, a movie here and there, and before you know it we’re walking hand in hand. I’ve met his friends, his parents, even his grandparents. To someone on the outside, this looks like something every healthy couple would do, except we weren’t healthy—far from it.
He always had his phone, and yet my texts remained unanswered. He only wanted to hang out on occasional evenings, routinely made plans without following through on them, was never where he said he was, yet still referred to me as his girlfriend when we met someone he knew.
He was a guy that sucked at communicating, and I was the girl that needed it.
He was physical, I emotional. He wanted convenience; I wanted something that swept me off my feet.
It was a relationship doomed from the start; I was just too stubborn to see it.
I would find myself constantly asking for advice, yet always heard the same thing over and over. Get out of there. Leave. My excuses remained the same. He works all day. He’s busy. I just wasn’t ready to admit the truth to myself. Ignorance at its finest.
Even when I had the courage to bring up the things that bothered me, somehow he’d challenge all my worries. “I’m just not a texter,” he’d say. “I prefer conversations face to face.” Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that response. It was the dishonesty I felt behind it.
I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship, yet he’d confirm that we were. He seemed to know exactly what to say to get me to stay.
I couldn’t see that I was the only one putting in the effort. I made sure I was always there for him when he needed me, listened to him, even surprised him at work with coffee, putting myself out there, hoping that he would one day reciprocate.
He only talked about himself during our conversations, and when it came time for me to share, he seemed distant and uninterested in what came out of my mouth.
He was bound to a different city in the fall, and with his lack of communicating there was a deep nagging feeling that it was only a short time before I had my heart broken again.
I had wanted a relationship to work out so bad that I had chosen to ignore all the warning signs that this one wasn’t right.
Even when he left for a month and I suspected he’d cheat on me, I still stayed. Why? I could only draw one conclusion: I had been treated like that so many times before, I expected it. And I believed it was all I had to look forward to.
Though I tried to explain to myself that I deserved so much better, I wasn’t willing to hear it.
But one day I surprised myself. I became more independent. I began to pull away from him. His texts would go unanswered for hours; my obedience to go to him whenever he called began to wane.
I stopped initiating conversations and instead sat back and began to enjoy all the things I had ignored. I made a list of things I had always wanted to do and did them. It kept my mind off things and opened my eyes to the truth.
As the time passed, I would like to think, he became the one that needed me; he had just realized it too late.
I questioned whether or not he had treated me that way because he knew I would always be there for him; then, when I no longer was, he wanted that same caring person back. Had I been nothing but a convenience for him the entire time? I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
When it came time for me to explain, my answer was simple: My gut knew it wasn’t going to work from day one, but falling head over heels for him at first, I chose to ignore it.
I guess I just wanted so badly for things to work out I didn’t bother to think about how unhappy I was; I chose to mask all hurt with a small smile and laughter.
Life can be confusing and cruel sometimes, but a fantasy can’t hide the truth, no matter how badly you want it to.
No one deserves to be pushed to sidelines, to feel like second best. If there’s something telling you to stay away, if even the smallest of your radars begin to go off, walk away.
Leave knowing that you dodged a barrage of emotional bullets instead of realizing you had to fight to keep your head afloat to keep from drowning.
If someone wants to be in your life, you shouldn’t have to change anything about yourself to keep them.
If they are willing to get to know you, they will. Period. All the wrong people may step into your life, and each one will no doubt leave their own emotional scars, but when the right one comes? You’ll know. You’ll feel it.
I was lucky enough to have a best friend who stuck by me even when I chose to ignore all her warnings. When I finally realized my mistake, she simply smiled and asked if I wanted to watch the newest horror movie.
Friends like that are so important to have in your life. Coming from a hopeless romantic who prefers books and writing to real people, this was hard to admit.
I can only say that when another man comes around I’ll be taking it slow.
For all the friends out there, even if you don’t agree, just be with them for every upsetting phone call and annoyed text. Your non-judgmental support might just be the reason they realize they could have something better.
We all need to learn for ourselves in order to truly grow. Even as much as we would like to save someone from the heartache they will no doubt experience, we need to take a step back, wait, and console them when they need it.
To the boys and or girls reading, realize what you have while you have it, because there’s nothing worse than finding out when it’s too late.
About Evie Drake
Evie Drake is a small town writer dreaming of something bigger. Traveller. Animal lover. Marathoner.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I wanted the relationship with my ex-boyfriend to work out so badly that I ignored the red flags. Even though there were objections coming from my sister and my best friend, I was always on the defense. I’ll admit that I could have done better, but I chose to stay.
My ex-boyfriend made plenty of excuses about us NOT going out on a date, since he was dealing with legal issues. I tried to be more understanding of his situation. I wanted the both of us to do more than him coming over to my apartment, and watch movies. He understood my frustrations, but didn’t do anything about it. His actions told me that he didn’t care. If he really loved me, he wouldn’t have to keep making excuses about us not dating. I ended the relationship, because I deserved better. I didn’t want to be a convenience to him anymore.
Thank you, Evie for sharing your experience.
Thank You Eve for sharing your story. Mine was just impatient. I would not handle it.
I love this! I just went through a break up like that and your words are spot on. Thank you Evie. 🙂
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I’m in a relationship now where my man ignores me daily. We go days with out saying anything to each other. He does have chronic pain but I feel as though he uses that as an excuse. We’ve been together for over a year. We have very little intimacy. When there is conversation it’s usually about him, what he did in the past etc. I’m starting to pull away. I have decided to take care of myself once again. Back to the basics.
What’s the hardest for me is that I understand that no one is perfect, but even if a small alarm bell is going off, does that mean you end the entire thing with someone? That is what I struggle with most often in relationships. Many alarm bells, okay – but one or two yellow flags that you’re not sure about? What then?
I don’t think that some alarm bells mean that we should end the relationship. I think it’s important to be in tune with our emotions and understand the truths behind the alarm and give it some time.
Wow. It seems that your only problem was the fact that the guy was not into txt msging with you and never asked you about your whereabouts. Well, did you give him a chance to even ask you or did you keep flooding him wit 30 txt msgs at once?! The guy let you know his friends and family, took you on dates, and introduced you to everyone as his girlfriend. Yet you were unsatisfied with the relationship. Be careful! You seem to be more into guys who are overbearingly controlling. You seem to not know the difference between a guy who respects your space and privacy and a guy who will make your life pretty miserable if he constantly keeps checking up on you, your whereabouts, and who you hang out with. Keep your eyes open and good luck to you!
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Brave of you to some to this realization and to choose to take care of you. Sending you love and light 🙂
Good for you LaTrice, love and light! 🙂
Thank you for sharing yourself with us Evie, it’s brave of you to come choose you and allowed yourself to grow and learn from this experience. I’ve come to realize that it is best to start things off slow because that’s when you really can take the time to get to know each other and really be in tune with your feelings. If we’re meant to be and really want to be together, why rush it? I think often people rush because they aren’t really sure so they just want to make things happen fast and often get stuck in unhealthy and unhappy relationships for a long time.
Like everything else, meaningful and beautiful relationships take time.
Love and light!
I’m on the fence about that myself. I actually like people who are imperfect and I’m attracted to certain “flaws”, but it’s hard to tell where to draw the line sometimes. I think like Anne said, you have to find out why they have those alarm bells and see if those issues will ever be resolved in time.
I literally went through the same things except the cheating thing and we dated DURING high school . Other than that, on point.
Thank you.
So im kinda stuck after reading this i fell the same way but i dont know if to break up with my boyfriend or not because we have a problem that we meet eachother in the worse time possible he had college and work and i had a new job that im only home for the weekend so its been crazy and life isnt on our side something always happens that makes us need to cancel for example car broke ,friend in hospital,brother in hospital ,fire road closed
Plus like with this blog he doesnt use his phone like ever he just doesnt open it at all
I told him lets break up but he doesnt want to and i just dont know cuz when im with him i never want to let go he says he wants to do better and be the guy for me but at what point should o give up ?
Great post;) It gave me insight on my broken relationship. It made me understand to trust your gut feeling and also to learn to take it one day at time and slowly let go. It’s not easy to let go of someone you fall head over heels for. Also, I thought the idea of staying with them because you feel inadequate without them or have experienced negativity in relationships is true. It can be hard when your mind is in love and your gut or heart is telling you it’s not right. Also, if you’ve been with someone for so long, it can be hard to let go. Your mind makes excuses about why he may be avoiding you such like you said in the article that he may be busy. I guess for a time I thought that too when I didn’t see him as often as I used to. I convinced myself that I was nothing without him even though he wasn’t always perfect at times and my gut told me it was wrong. Now I know that I have to let him go because we rarely see each other anymore. We might still maintain our friendship, but if it’s not meant to be, it won’t be.
Good for you;) I feel like this situation reminds me of the one I seem to have. I agree that being a convenience isn’t worth it and there are better things. Yet it takes strength and time to heal and break free and let go.
I agree, no one is perfect and I accept people for their flaws as well. There is nothing more worse than putting someone down because of their appearance, actions or anything in general. It is often hurtful to the person and makes them more insecure than they already are.
I have this friend / co-worker that I have known for about 12yrs when I first met him I liked him alot bit thought that he didn’t see me that way. Fast foward we both started working for another job doing the same thing but he was there before me but when he located to the new job I haven’t seen him since now that I’m working at the same place with him he was married but I didn’t see him the same as I use to. Fast foward this year one day I was waiting for the bus to go home and he stopped to pick me up well once I got in his car we started talking he was telling me about how he’s going through a divorce well I was surprised by it. Now mind u I haven’t heard or talked to him after that for about a month then all of a sudden one morning he messaged me while we was at work I was shocked but a lil happy. And every since then we was talking and texting each other but not everyday. Mind you we would always say after every conversation I’m just joking don’t take me serious. So one night I was at a party with him not on my mind all of a sudden I get a text from him asking me what I’m up to I said at a party so he asked me can he see me and I went to his house well things almost got started but he stopped. Now every since then we have been sleeping toghether but not in a relationship my friend told me to stop cause that’s all he wanted and that I had started having feelings for him. Well he did warn me that that’s not what he wanted so he did stopped the Sex between us yes I was hurt. Now I really can’t get him out my mind but everyone keeps telling me to leave him alone. Now recently I gave him a gift for his birthday and after that I haven’t heard from him in two weeks until one day I had to ask him a question and he tells me that he don’t think we should ever not hear from each other that long again. Really I’m trying my best to leave him alone but it seems everytime I do he comes back and makes me feel good again I really like him alot and want to be with him. I’ve even told him I want us to start back sleeping with each other again. Please some advise or some kind of feed back on this. Thanks
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I have a completely the same story as yours.
We have been in a relationship for almost 3 years.
It worked well in the first few months until his dad disagreed with our relationship so we chose to keep it backstreet.
As time passed by, he started to changed and he cheated on me few times but he had never felt guilty and always found a way to make me feel bad because of that.
I know it’s me a fool that stil wanna work hard on this relationship when he cant stop flirting with other girls.
I’m currently in the process to ignore him as you explained.
I hope i can do it as well.
Thanks a lot for the story that finally opened up my blind eyes.. 🙂
Thank you!
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Dear Evie,
Thank you for writing this article. It’s as if it was written for me and I feel lucky to have had it land on my lap. I have been tourtuting myself for the past six months, agonising over why someone I believed to be “soOoo perfect for meeEe” bolted in the other direction without even the respect of a goodbye. Having had time to step back and being in a receiving space to read it now, even though the heartbreak has already occurred, has given me hope that the next time I am ever in this position, I will choose myself and listen to myself, no longer blaming myself and looking for answers to why I am so easy to drop. Thank you for sharing your pain and glory… it’s very brave and encouraging to those of us who need kind, gentle words of wisdom.
Keep up the writing- you are a very gifted wordsmith.
Gratitude
Ix
You were just convenience, yes. When a guy tries to do as little as possible, basic minimum eventually a woman feels depleted.
You’re right about that, Dina. I ended the relationship for a reason, since nothing good came out of it anyway. As I mentioned earlier in the comment, I deserved better. Why bother settling for less?! 🙂
Hi, Evie! Hello,everyone! I am so glad that something about people who aren’t just willing to commit was shared. I felt so alone after ending a five-year relationship with a man who made me feel so used and unworthy. I knew he had emotional pains from past relationships. I knew he had sons to take care of. I accepted all of that. My family and friends were even against us not because of his status but because he didn’t show that he cared enough for me. There were days when he was very sweet, but most of the time friends and his outdoor activities came first. He was even embarrassed to introduce me as his girlfriend. I asked why and he told me that what we had is something very private. I was so blinded to accept all of his excuses. I know I am not perfect, I also had my flaws. But I guess no woman deserves to be treated this way. He would tell me that I was unreasonably jealous. But how can’t I not be? His lady friends had his attention and I would always come in last. Oh boy, I can’t believe I put up with all of these negativities.
When I finally walked away, he blamed me for everything. I refused to take all of his excuses. Though I must admit I feel lonely and stupid, I am trying to move on. I am moving to another country soon and can’t wait to start all over again. Now, I can discover myself fully. I am happy that this article made me feel that I am not alone in this journey.
Personally, i can’t stay for long in relationships that don’t serve my needs. Sure, i can fool myself for a while, but then a nagging feeling of something missing appears. A feeling of being cheated or neglected. I can’t even describe it. It’s like selling yourself on the cheap.
Sometimes i look back and think if i only i suppressed my needs i’d be with someone, but then this feeling of dissatisfaction surges through me.
I don’t understand why so many men want to break a woman to be with her. I know for sure that most of men after they break a woman, don’t have respect to her anyway. I feel in most of relationships men play a game to get sex, and women struggle to get emotions, when in reality if men gave good emotions to women they would get plenty of sex. Alas – human kind is not meant to make sense, i guess.
That’s me. All red flags screaming from my (many times!) cheating bf to get the heck out, but I tried to ‘change him’. I was even told, “I own you” and “I like making you crazy”. Why didn’t I run? I did in the past–I easily left men like this. He’ll never change, I know that, but I stayed anyway. Leaving is so hard as I feel lonely and I guess used to receiving this treatment as my norm for over a year. It’s sad when I’m actually contemplate what feels worse–staying with the verbal abuse & a womanizer, or being lonely? I’m trying to be strong and stay away, but they change us and make us feel like that’s the only love we deserve, and then we thrive on pieces of attn when we deserve so much more. Ugh…
Try to put in just as much efforts as he does. No less no more. And see what happens. I hope your relationship works out 🙂
Read “Why Does He DO That?” by Lundy Bancroft about abusive men. Another excellent book teaching women to avoid abusive men is “Stop Signs” by Lynn Fairweather. These two books will clear up any confusion very quickly about partner abuse. Be very happy the guy is not threatening your life or stalking you. If he does, put a plan in place, get support from family and friends and law enforcement, and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800/799-7233.
Abuse occurs on a continuum and your ex-boyfriend may not be life-threatening, which is good. However by educating yourself about the behavior and manipulation of abusive men along that continuum NOW, you can avoid them in the future. At the least they prevent happiness, at the most they will severely scar you physically and emotionally and take your life.
Be aware, take your time getting to know men, trust your instincts, and make sure you build a rich life with many interests and a strong support system.
This article hit home. I’ve been in a relationship for five years with someone because we share a child together. I have no doubt in my mind that if I hadn’t become pregnant, we would’ve lasted mere months, if that. Both of us are from divorced families, so we both are beating a dead horse trying to make it work. Recently, he can’t even fake tolerating me. We both love each other, yes, but sometimes you can love someone yet shouldn’t be with them, you know? I plan on talking with him soon about ending it for good. No doubt this will end up in some enormous fight. He’s a terrific father, but we both deserve to be happy. I don’t even care about finding someone else. I just need to be away from him and his negativity.
The same thing I have been going through. OMG, I am not alone.
I am in the same situation. My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago now. We were in an overseas long distance relationship that took it’s toll. I’ve visited him twice. Problem with our relationship began with communication issues. During our honeymoon phase he was much the talker. We talked literally 21-22 hours a day for the first month. He went everywhere with me. We talked non-stop. The conversation began dwindling, but there were other issues, he was difficult to open up, I took that as him keeping secrets. I got insecure, jealous, clingy, needy. I was looking for an emotional connection, while he was hating all of my questions and was slowly losing interest after several months. What was odd was that when we were together, it was a dream. He opened up, we laughed and played around. He was my perfect MAN. The distance was a problem. Now, the issue aside from that is, he’s getting his master’s in Cyprus, close to Turkey. There are no jobs for foreigners as he is Nigerian, so he is struggling financially. I have helped where I could, but recently lost my job and relying on my business for the time being, so we’re both in a jam. Without a surplus of income, he cannot pay his school fees, he cannot complete his master’s. He’s a sitting duck. And that is the real culprit. That has affected our relationship tremendously. So, the distance plus his struggling financially. Goes without saying. So, talking about the future and my feelings on why he’s distant, or anything about our relationship was completely irrelevant and pained him to discuss. It pained me to be ignored, but I am so blind, I endured it for the love of him. I know he loves me too. And can be so sweet. I understand that these situations will make a man lose it, so I commend him for enduring that long with me. Without these additional factors, we would have an excellent relationship. My gut has also told me to walk away, however, when I try to walk away, something happens to change the course of that. On several occasions, I have made up my mind to call and break up, on those times, I can never reach him. Just the most bizarre situations. I think now however, I may have to let go of the idea of us for now. Deep down I know I want to be with him. But he is not mentally capable to handle a relationship at the moment. I cannot believe how crazy I felt about him and still do. It took walking away to make me realize my feelings for him, because the entire time I was uncertain, because I was overthinking everything. I am thinking of perhaps remaining friends, keeping it light, while I revamp myself and ego. Date, workout, get a steady flow of income. All these things to boost my ego and make him want me badly again. He is still here, he responds to my texts and calls so far, so worth a try. Anyway, I want to see where that goes. I must say, I practiced the No Contact Rule for those two weeks and I feel a bit better about the decision to breakup. It just wiped the slate clean, and I am better able to see both our shortcomings.
What do you all think? Should I still walk away??
Dear Evie, Thank you for sharing. I felt like this entire time you were putting exactly to words what I am going through. However I haven’t been strong enough to end it. And 9 months after being long distance in essentially this exact scenario (even the texting thing!/disinterest!) I am still in what feels like a ‘NO’ response from my body. Anyway, thank you again for sharing and being inspiring. I hope I can have the strength you did and congratulations to you, for that.
I am unhappy with my man. We have been in a relationship for almost a year now but I just don’t feel important to him. He even cheated on me on our first 5 months, a red flag. I just feel neglected and I feel worthless.
I’m just trying to get my head around why every guy’s first name (of the ones who’ve hurt me) has always – without fail – started with a ‘J’ – or a G with a J sound (like ‘Giles’).
It’s only just dawned on me that this has been a consistent pattern in my life – but do you think I can figure out why?
What the heck IS that?? Jack, Julian, Justin, James, Jon, Jarrod, Giles….I mean, come ON!
What makes it worse is that I (still!) seem to be oblivious of the fact that I’m standing on a J Track when a J Train comes along – like a deer in headlights – until it’s too late.
I read this and immediately identified with it. I am currently coming out of a relationship exactly as the one you described. But he’s the one that ended but somehow I’m the one that feels like the failure. I was always there for him, encouraged him, being his biggest cheerleader but when I needed him, when I just wanted him to be there for me, he was too busy, distracted, uninterested. It’s hard for me to understand right now. I want to see the good in people and I want to believe that when he said he loved me, he actually did. I am not quite to feeling strong yet..to believing that I’ll be ok. Despite the fact that I can identify and know that I do deserve better than what he was capable of giving me, I am still healing. My heart definitely still aches.
Exactly mya situation right now!
Im ignoring all the red flag and all the guts saying that i deserve someone better. Because its my first relationship in my 26years of life so i wanted it to successful no matter what happen. He always trying to find my fault. He can be so sweet and so mean in split second. Sometimes he make me flying and sometimes i feel he just using me.
Im so hurt right now as im the one that always fight for this relationship. I dont know if i should just break up with him. My heart hurt so much right now and he doesnt seem to care about my feeling.
Im the nice girl meanwhile he is the badboy. I think im too convenience for him as he say that even if he doing wrong thing i will come back to him.
But i love him so much should i just give a chance? Its only a month in our relationship.
I’ve always felt from my parents to my own children now,that I’m nothing more than convenience. I just can’t seem to hang onto anyone to love me the way I need to be loved. I beat myself up mentally,physically,anyway I can. I’m 60 now and still don’t understand what or how I miss out. Please help
This is really an eye opening for me. I’m in a relationship (if you could even call that), so better yet I’m with a guy who’s at one point truly is a bf. We were exclusive for about a year and it was really good (so i thought). Then he broke up with me reason being he could never be in a committed relationship. Said he really like me a lot and had fallen for me so he thought he’d give it a try. But his luck run out and the old self came back. He wanted to be free again but he still love me very much just can’t see himself only seeing me. To this day I’m still seeing him even tho knowing he spend time with other women. He never asks me to stay…I can come and go whenever but I’m always welcome whenever he’s free. Of course this hurts me a lot and it makes me sad. I can’t wait to find a day where I can go and never come back.
My bf is very busy, we do long distance, and we talk a lot less than I would like. He says he could make the time but he choses to keep our communication more minimal because he prioritizes school and work, and in long distance we should live our own lives. I used to get hurt but now im wondering, is it so bad to be understanding and be the one to compromise more for the sake of the relationship? or am I just blinded? I love and crave his attention, but me constantly asking for it is driving a wedge between us. Thoughts?