“Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown
Ever since I was a young girl, relationships have fascinated me, particularly romantic ones. I had beautiful fantasies of my perfect partner appearing and completing me. We would fall in love and live happily ever after.
As a child, I believed that being in a romantic relationship, and especially being married, meant lasting happiness. All the love and joy I would ever want or need would be mine when “the one” arrived. Daydreams of my soul mate filled my tween brain.
This fairy tale view of relationships didn’t disappear when I came of age, but followed me into adulthood when I married a man that I knew in my gut simply wasn’t right for me.
At first, it was exciting to be someone’s wife and to have a husband, but my high expectations quickly created tremendous disappointment for me. We both demanded that the other change, and the relationship quickly became one filled with resentment and contempt.
After struggling to “work on” our relationship and seeing no improvement, we separated and eventually divorced. I was devastated and bitterly blamed him.
He was the “bad guy” and I was the innocent victim. I lacked the awareness necessary to examine my own actions and learned nothing, except to fear entering into another relationship.
The only thing that I knew for sure was that I never wanted to go through such a painful experience again.
I had no idea that I had any power at all. I felt like I was at the effect of what others said and did, and I was so easily wounded. The world of men and relationships felt very scary and I was apprehensive when I re-entered the dating world.
In what I now understand was an attempt to protect myself, I made terrible judgments and generalizations about relationships and men.
My reality reflected these fearful thoughts, and in the year following my divorce I dated men who were perfect examples of the stereotypes I adopted. Even though I had left my marriage, nothing had truly changed and, in fact, through my own fear had grown worse.
In spite of this, having a relationship with a man still remained a strong desire. I certainly didn’t want to repeat the past and I refused to settle for just any romantic relationship. With absolute resolve, I vowed that I would have a healthy, happy, close, and loving relationship.
This became my intention, and I became passionately committed to learning and doing whatever I could to get me there.
For over a year I studied the ways in which romantic relationships worked and how they could be close and loving, but was discouraged and frustrated by most of what I read. It seemed that most of what I learned required the effort of both partners.
While I understood that a happy, healthy relationship takes two people, I knew I had to first work on myself.
My question became: “What can I, and I alone, do to create a close, happy, and loving relationship?”
As I studied over the next few months with this new distinction, I noticed something unexpected and wonderful unfolding.
I had shifted from how to find the right man and get him to give me love and make me happy, to learning who I had to become in order to create and maintain a close, loving relationship.
This was a brand new way of looking at things and a brand new way of being that was incredibly exciting for me.
For the next two years, I learned as much as I could and put into practice everything I was learning. It yielded radically different results than I had ever gotten before. All of my relationships greatly improved, including, and especially, my relationship with myself.
My relationship with myself had always been love/hate. Now, as I became more and more aware that I truly am empowered to create loving relationships as well as a wonderful life, I began to see myself and others in a new light.
My new understanding of myself and others became: We are all infinitely and eternally beautiful souls, intrinsically worthy of love.
Each one of us are intrinsically worthy of love, not because we are entitled to other people giving it to us, but because we are love. We are all whole and need nothing outside of ourselves to complete us. These words weren’t new to me, but for the first time I understood and felt the truth of them.
For so long I had been trying to force others to give me love, manipulating them, making demands, giving with an expectation of receiving in return (also known as barter), and it only led to frustration and resentment.
It struck me all at once that everything I had learned over the course of three years was truly about giving love joyfully from a place of being love. Wholeness was the name of that game.
I was no longer concerned with trying to find the perfect man, fix relationship problems, or change anyone else.
Although I’m not perfect and never will be, I’ve had increasing moments of awareness and clarity when I was able to keep the focus completely on my self. Not focused on my “needs” and how I can get those met by others, but what I could do to become more whole and full of love so that I’m more focused on giving than taking.
Interestingly, my original intention in studying relationships was only to improve my own chances of having a good, lasting relationship with a man. It was my hope that I would learn some tricks to get a good man interested and then to get him remain attracted enough to me to shower me with gifts, affection, attention, and praise.
What I have learned and continue to learn is infinitely better.
What I’ve learned is how to use the resources that lie within me, that lie within each of us, to be the kind of partner that naturally has a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship with her mate without always “working on it.”
As most of us can attest, this kind of struggle never works long term. I learned to grow through my experiences in my relationships, become more loving and more whole, and give from a place of joy, which effortlessly creates a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship.
This journey to “love enlightenment” has been amazing so far, with many ups and downs, as I’m sure it will continue to be.
The wisdom I have gained has been invaluable for creating positive change not only within myself and in my relationships, but in my entire life. I have learned to be a better partner for my partner, for myself, for everyone I know and meet, and for the world at large.
The goal is not to reach some destination, but to understand more about what it means to be whole. Perfection isn’t possible, but perhaps your intention could be to become more aware of what you are giving and being, and let it be love more and more of the time.
In short, through your relationships with others grow more into the truth of who you are at the core of your being: you are love.
About Rhiannon Smith
Rhiannon Smith is 34 years old. She works as a relationship coach, helping her clients to increase the love, closeness, and good feelings in their relationships using what she calls “self centered empowerment habits.” She lives in Rhode Island with her beloved children, partner, and two guinea pigs.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wow, that was beautiful Rhiannon. So much of our understanding of love has come from the distorted view we get from society. You really put it back into perspective – that the essence love is giving! So awesome!! What’s cool too is in the Hebrew language, the word for love is “HAV”, which means to give! That would probably explain why we love our children so much, because we are engaged in constant acts of giving towards them.
Anyways, great post – so happy you created that space within yourself for love to exist. For some of us (men!) giving love sometimes feels like the hardest thing in the world to do, but constantly reminding ourselves of what you said, that the essence of love is giving, is the key to making it work.
I heard a wise man say “we don’t make love; it’s love that makes us.”. So true!!
From a young age we are taught by society and media in the Western World that love will complete us and make us happy etc. This is a lie; for us to be able to love, we need to love ourselves and be happy first, otherwise our ego gets in our way. For it is our ego that rules our thinking and lets our fears surface. Sadly when our ego is ruling us, we can only see the flaws and faults with people, rather than just see them as they are…the beauty they hold.
When you love yourself you can truly love someone else…..loves expects nothing, never gets jealous, lets us be free and lets us change.
Once you can love yourself, the World and others….everything changes!!
FANTASTIC post!!! This is just exhilarating, and beautiful insight! Thank you for sharing your story, and wonderful that you have found this path, I agree it is a beautiful journey to be on to be discovering more love, and lessening expectations! 🙂 I love when you said…”I had shifted from how to find the right man and get him to give me love and make me happy, to learning who I had to become in order to create and maintain a close, loving relationship.”!! Beautilful writing style, I really enjoyed reading this!! 🙂
So very true! We’ve always been led to believe that love should look a certain way (usually it’s what can this person do for/give to me) and when it doesn’t show up that way, we find fault. It’s difficult to see someone as they are when we feel that they should be a certain way to please us or fulfill our idea of what a partner should be. Thank you Tom
Thank you David! I love that the Hebrew word for love means to give. Love is infinitely giving. It’s the people that you give to the most that you love the most.
It took me a while to create space in me for love to exist, and sometimes it’s still a struggle and I expect that I will have unloving moments for the rest of my life. It’s part of being human and flawed. However, it’s a journey and hopefully I can grow to be more aware of what I’m giving and allow it to be love more and more of the time. That wise man is right! Hope you feel the love that makes you everyday
Thank you so much! I really enjoyed writing it too. It is an absolutely amazing journey and it just keeps unfolding in unexpected ways. When I’m aware that it isn’t about figuring out ways to get from someone, but instead about who I choose to be, everything flows in love. It’s only when I’m seeking love that I don’t find it.
Do you have a website for more information on your coaching?
Can you share more specific tips on how you got there besides just knowing you needed to love yourself more. For example you say:
“We are all whole and need nothing outside of ourselves to complete us. These words weren’t new to me, but for the first time I understood and felt the truth of them.”
These words aren’t new to me either but HOW did you fully understand and feel the truth of them?
WELL SAID!!!! About how I choose to be, everything flows in love…beautiful!!! Yes, what we tend to seek, eludes us, that is true :-/ Thank you again, I just re-read your post, brilliant!! 🙂
Nicely done and well written. Thanks for sharing such powerful words.
Thanks for posting this. I’m in the middle of this process, I guess, and sometimes it’s a little hard to get through. This was a really beautiful read 🙂
I would like tips on what Rhiannon studied also.
For example: “For the next two years, I learned as much as I could and put into practice everything I was learning.” Learning and studying what? Behavior patterns? Emotional responses? How did you study them? What specifically were you learning?
This was exactly what I needed to read today. After a 8 year marriage my husband announced that he was no longer in love me with and left. We decided to work on our marriage and tried to make it work for a year. During the time he lied, withheld and cheated on me. When it finally ended I did a lot of soul searching and reflection on my part in the ending of my marriage. When I felt ready to date again I put out into the universe that “I want to be in a loving relationship” I joined an online dating community and went out with a number of people. I then met my boyfriend who was not what I was expecting at all. Hes vegan, meditates, and lives 45 minutes away but I gave him a chance. I can honestly say that I am in the most mature, loving and amazing relationship of my life because I was able to get out of my own way and let things happen. I am still working every day to make sure that I am being a loving, accepting and support partner and not to fall back into my old habits. I can honestly say that without all the struggle I would not be where I am today and I feel so blessed that I have a second chance to have a loving relationship with a man.
Bless you my friend. Great post! I thank you for your testimony and I relate to you. Be blessed in your relationship. I’m very proud of you and how far you have come in self-development. You have great rewards within’ you and you’re a great light. Keep shining it out into this world my friend. Peace be with you…
Loved this–needed this message in my life right now! (Curious–were you named after the song?)
I really appreciate this post. I have had similar relationship experiences and thoughts about relationships as you. This changed after my last long-term relationship ended (one that involved years and years of trying to fix the other and the relationship). It’s been very hard to get through, but I need to keep remembering the things that I have learned, which are all mentioned in your article and in the wonderful comments from readers. Thank you!
At this point i am terrified of relationships. No matter how little you ask for…there are always problems.
I am also interested to know what you studied from Rhiannon. You mentioned that you learned as much as you could, what resources have helped you the most?
Agreed. Definitely the key of love is giving. That’s why we ought to build a great deal of love for ourselves and once we have love for ourselve that’s when we can give it away. Otherwise there’s nothing to give/
Thanks for sharing. I have been trying to work through similar issues with my failed marriage 6 years ago. Still hoping for that second change. Trying to learn from my past mistakes so they don’t happen again and trying to do the things needed to create a more loving relationship.
Thanks for sharing. I have been trying to work through similar issues with my failed marriage 6 years ago. Still hoping for that second change. Trying to learn from my past mistakes so they don’t happen again and trying to do the things needed to create a more loving relationship.
It’s always good to read about others’ experiences when it comes to relationships.
After 3 years and a half, we got engaged. We’ve been having issues since July for this main reason: I ignored a serious problem regarding his commitment to everything in his life that is not work related, including the relationship itself. He is not a bad person, but the “do what it takes to have a wholesome loving relationship” did not come naturally to him.
I tried coaching with one of the Tiny Buddha contributors, and I also started therapy with a psychotherapist. I learned that I have neglected myself a lot during the 4 year long distance relationship. I neglected myself and I thought it was okay for the lack of commitment and responsibility from his part to continue, and to keep accepting his “I’m too busy” excuse for years. I finally put my foot down when I realised that this was not a healthy relationship.
We are both working on ourselves and have set a deadline at the end of this month to basically “get our shit together.”
What’s funny is that we are very compatible in so many ways. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life denying there’s anything wrong. At some point I got so bitter. I still don’t have it in me to be the first to say “I love you”.
I really hope we both find whatever is best for both of us at the end of this month.
I’ve read a lot of the articles on TB over the last year or so, and although many of them have been helpful and interesting, and somewhat on the right lines, there’s something really special about this one that touches the heart of what I need to hear right now. A very special friendship of mine dating back to 2000 fell apart last year and it broke my heart. I made the ending of it so much worse with blame and recriminations and have been beating myself up about it ever since, trying to find some way of squaring what I said and did with my own (severely damaged) self respect. I need to forgive myself, and him, but I have been so stuck in ruminating over the rights and wrongs that I just haven’t been able to get past the pain of the loss. I had lost myself as well as him. But the past is done, what about the future? I’m not a bad person. I wouldn’t care so much if I was. Loving ourselves takes courage, especially if we have been brought up to think badly of ourselves by a judgmental critic as I was, but it’s the only way to be strong and get the most out of life. We can hardly be a great partner for someone else and give them the love they deserve if we don’t take care of emotional selves.
Oops, sorry for the double post
This is a little difficult for me to understand. I just recently realized that I’m a codependent, which means I give, give, give and don’t expect much back, except then I’m empty. I attach myself to those that treat me with neglect and mother than and fix things if they don’t fit. It is aligned a bit with what you are saying, since I know I have to fix myself, not the relationship, and thus find someone better suited to give back to me. But I have to actually stop GIVING so much… such a tough thing. I guess the take away for me is not that I shouldn’t give, but that I have to work on self-love to know that I deserve a better match (someone who can give and take) in my next relationship.
How does one change? I have never been able to like myself much less love who I am. I want to learn.
Amazing, amazing! “Each one of us are intrinsically worthy of love, not because we are entitled to other people giving it to us, but because we are love. We are all whole and need nothing outside of ourselves to complete us.” meet just with the meaning and message of the “Love Manifesto” I wrote and posted 3 months ago =) http://ohananery.com/en/index.php/love-manifesto/ <3 Nice that this understading is spreading! Once be come back to what we are: Love – we start to shine our light and help all the world. The other point of he post I think it is amazing and universal is the fact that when we start to studying something with a goal, we often learn things that change our goal on the road.
I had a similar realization a few months ago! I realized that I wasn’t ready to be a good partner to someone and had to do some work on myself before I could even begin to look for someone else. I’m in that process now. Thanks for sharing!
I’m not the original poster, but I found this interesting, as this is the head space I got to, after my break up. – I don’t know what particular book she read, but I too, read books – some helped, some didn’t. But in many cases, I found that there were similar themes, and for me, it was when I tried to put these in my own context, I realised what things were.
Not to hijack her brilliant work, but these were some of the books that helped, for me.
Bob (Robert) Mauer – One small step can change your life – This gave me the insight into “how” to change
Helen Fishcer – Why him, why her. This book was interesting, in letting me know, that there are different “kind” of people, and it’s OK to be yourself.
Gary Chapman – The Five love languages – this was a very interesting book in how people choose to communicate – and why some people “think” they are being a loving person” but the other may not.
After reading all of these (and a few other) over and over, I too, eventually came to a similar conclusion to her.
Hope these resources will help everyone as much as it has helped me.
Honestly, the feeling of wholeness comes and goes. I’m experiencing more and more moments of feeling whole, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to a point when I feel like I am complete in every moment. I’m not sure if anyone feels whole and complete 100% of the time.
The reason wholeness is important in a relationship is because without it, you’re looking for someone to fill you and you’re thinking of taking from another or how they are depriving you or hurting you. When you’re whole you’re instead thinking of how good you feel and you can share this. When you’re already full, you can focus on giving and gratitude.
A few years ago, after my divorce, I asked how I could have the closest and most happy and loving relationship possible. I believe that when you ask, you’ll always receive an answer. The answer came through my own observation of how my mate reacted to my thoughts and the behaviors that come out of those thoughts.
It took some time, but I began to see patterns. When I thought good, loving thoughts about him, we get along well. When I feel good, I “set a tone” and we laugh and play and are affectionate toward one another. When I’m thinking thoughts and feeling feelings of how he could be better, how he hurt me or what he owes me, things get bad suprisingly quickly. Soon we’re both feeling bad and possibly even arguing. There’s tremendous power in thought, I’ve seen the effects of this first hand. Thoughts of joy, love, peace and appreciation create joy, love, peace and appreciation in your life.
I know that I am feeling like I’m lacking something when I think I need something from him (or anyone for that matter) to feel good. This is a sure sign that in that moment I don’t feel whole. Whenever I want to get something from him, change him or give something to get something back, there is a belief there that he can fill a spot in me that’s empty, or give me something (love) that I don’t already possess. This is when I feel deprived and this is what causes issues.
Sometimes there’s this feeling that he owes me or that I have a right to be angry. All of these thoughts come from thoughts of lack and fear. Sometimes I can become aware of my thoughts and the behaviors that they are causing me to act out and that alone is enough to “snap out of it”. This awareness of what I’m thinking and what I’m creating must come if I want change..
For example,if I’m thinking, : “Why is he ignoring me? He should be paying attention to me right now” and then I’ll naturally speak and act in ways that reflect those thoughts. If I continue to think thoughts like this, they pick up momentum and become more frequent and intense. This definitely doesn’t have the best effect on the relationship. If I can become aware of my thoughts and feelings, then I can choose to think and feel differently and every single time, the outcome is radically different than if I choose to nurture my unloving thoughts.
The key is awareness that you’re thinking this way and then intentionally choosing to be loving. Thoughts of something that could happen in the future, stewing over something that happened in the past, feeling deprived in some way or thoughts that your partner should do something to make you feel good are all thoughts that don’t add love to your relationship. These thoughts add fear, deprivation, resentment and distance.
My practice has really been about increasing my moments of awareness of these thoughts and feelings, knowing that they are my creation, that I can change them and instead choose to love. It’s as simple as being able to say to myself, “There are those lack/fear/expecting thoughts again. I can choose right now to be loving and feel love instead.” That is usually all that it takes.
It’s like being able to back way up and see the whole picture, recognize what’s most important, what I want the feeling tone of our relationship be and then figure out if getting angry and acting out will get me anywhere. I’ve never once come to the conclusion that making demands, getting angry or manipulation would be the best course of action. If I want a loving relationship, that takes loving energy and loving action on my part.
Sometimes in the middle of not feeling good, I’ll ask myself what my ultimate intention is, what I truly want. It’s always to have the closest and most loving relationship possible. That’s what I really want, I don’t really want him to feel the pain that I feel, I don’t want revenge, I don’t want to keep score or for him to be someone different than he is. When I ask myself this, I become aware and I instantly have a new feeling of wanting to love him. Then I can let the little things go, and almost all of it is little.When I can know that what I really want is love, I can pull myself out of the current circumstances, know that to have love I must be loving and give love and I can do that, EVEN if I don’t “feel” like it.
I find it helpful to think of love as a giving act and way of being rather than a feeling.
The truth is that nothing needs to happen in order for me to be happy. Happiness never comes because of something that happens outside of yourself. I fully believe that the feeling of happiness comes first from within, regardless of what is going on around you, then the world outside changes. When I know that this is true, and I recognize my power to feel good in the moment, then I know and feel the truth of needing nothing outside of myself to complete me. Many times I can do this “on cue” with appreciation. Gratitude for EVERYTHING in your life, even the “bad” stuff helps to keep things in this perspective.
Deep down, even in my worst moments I understand that I can just let my partner be who he is. I don’t have to expect him to do anything to make me feel loved because I know that I am loved whenever I choose to feel love. This is a choice and when I choose to be whole in this way, this is absolutely when we get along the best,
I know that I’m in this “flow” when I’m focused on enjoying the present moment, feeling like who he is and what he brings into my life is not just acceptable, but very good. So, when I can just be and enjoy him and life in general.
Things go very well when I can do this, but it’s a journey. Sometimes I forget.When I’m thinking about what he does or doesn’t do for me or how I can get what I want from him, I’m miserable. I can’t be present with him and there’s distance and tension. This is all my choice.
I know this was a long answer, I just kept writing my thoughts to be clear. Hope it helps,
I read a lot, three books caused me to have an entirely different perspective on relationships. One is an audio book by Henry Grayson called “The New Physics of Love”, “Working on Your Relationship Doesn’t Work” Ariel and Shya Kane and the other is “The Relationship Handbook” by George Pranski. These are wonderful books and they helped me to change my thinking about how loving relationships function. I’ve found the information to be so useful and I read them often still, but what really turned things around for me was some different practices I learned from these books and other sources.
Meditation is wonderful, especially on a mantra such as “I am love”. Visualization is incredibly powerful. I briefly visualize and feel the happy, loving and close relationship that I desire every day. Prayer is also wonderful. I ask for divine guidance in my relationships, to be the best partner that I can be. I also have a forgiveness ritual that I do every single day. These practices altogether take me about an hour a day, but the effect they have on my relationships is amazing.
What I did was record what I did (meditate, visualize etc) and then how good or bad our interactions felt that day in a journal. I still do this just about every day. What I’ve found is that when I feel good about my partner and think good thoughts about him, we get along well. The practices are just to get me into a loving state of mind.
I’ve learned so much about my own power to create good feelings, love and closeness in a relationship through my thoughts and feelings. One of the most important things I’ve noticed is that in all things to view your partner as a friend and ally in all ways will create love and closeness almost effortlessly.
Three books were so helpful. One is an audio book by Henry Grayson called “The New Physics of Love”, “Working on Your Relationship Doesn’t Work” Ariel and Shya Kane and the other is “The Relationship Handbook” by George Pranski.
But by far the most helpful resource I’ve found is my own awareness and an intention to create happiness, love and closeness in my relationship. Everyday I remind myself that it’s my intention to have a happy, close and loving relationship. In good times, and especially in bad times, I tell myself, “I choose to create happiness, love and closeness in this relationship right now”. This is all that you really need. You know what is loving and what is not. You don’t need to read more books, go to counseling or work on yourself. Simply make the choice to be loving.
That’s wonderful! Congratulations. It’s a journey, and it’s amazing. You must have done a lot of self work to get to a point where you can have such a great partner.
You must be a good partner to have a good partner. It’ll always be a process but it’s life altering in the best ways possible.
Oops – meant to add, good for you for your new awareness! That’s the most important peice.
thank you Ken and Rhiannon for giving further understanding and readings to look into. This entire thread and article have truly been wonderfully helpful.
Wow.. Great! initially while reading ur post even i had questions how did u learn n wat u learnt to come all this way. but this post of urs , i can understand it.. this is so from ur heart poured non-stop.. thats the way it shud be 🙂 … i can relate ur post to myself of learnin ways to change ourselves, doin it successfully n then sumtimes evn forgetting it.. we all are human after all. but we shud strive to come out of our boundaries at times to experience wat we hav not yet. i hav also learnt that once we start loving ourselves that is.. stop
neglecting ourselves, stop pleasing all, stop
engaging in any drama, we love ourselves n
thereby can b happy.
Thank you for this—really great read. I’m 34 and recently separated (also to a man that I knew in my gut wasn’t right for me). I’m trying to use the no-mans-land time between separation and divorce wisely, and really figure out how to feel whole on my own so that I don’t carry over my same insecurities and weaknesses into any future relationships. I so hope that I can make my way to that place of feeling intrinsically worthy of love. I think my heart believes that I am worthy, but my head gets stuck on all of the life baggage that has lead me to believe otherwise…
I really appreciate the overall message of this piece and your comment, but am struggling trying to reconcile it. My interpretation is that you have to be completely accepting, without expectations, and giving. However, what about your needs in a relationship? For instance, if you value someone who is able to communicate their emotions but find yourself in a relationship with someone who is not that way should you just accept them? At what point do you move on?
I am involved with someone who has a great heart, but who doesn’t fullfill certain needs I have – being emotional expressive and not being able to count on them – and both have become huge issues in our relationship and have turned into resentments, I do not think that he is withholding or being this way intentionally or maliciously, however, it does not hurt less. Many times I feel guilty “expecting” more when I know that he is trying in his own way. Because I feel that there aren’t very many good people out there anymore I find myself clinging to the positive shreds of our relationship. I have tried changing my perspective, but now feel that the relationship is on cruise control. I love and care about him as a person but do not know where to go from here. He does not like confrontation and I feel like his ignoring the situation – in hopes that it will go away – is only making it worse. I keep hoping/trying/struggling for change in myself and in him – and the years keep passing by. I do not know if and when I should give up.
Rhiannon, thank you for such a beautiful and enlightening article. I would be really grateful if you shared the titles of some of the books that you studied during that time period. Everything that you said resonated so well with me, and I would like to go deeper into it. Thank you!
I just saw your post below, thank you!
Thank you Rhiannon for sharing your life experience and reflections on close relationships.
Unrealistic, idealized expectations, one-sided selfish response and self hate sure can lead to relationship problems and emotional hurt.
Close, intimate and loving relationships arise through mutual response: sharing, giving and receiving affection, care, emotional and practical support for each other’s needs at different phases of life. This involves a journey of learning how to relate in mutually loving and caring ways through two way communication, learning to listen without forming fixed opinions and enabling each to express feelings and needs to be able to meet and respond to mutual needs as they change through the cycles of life.
Difficulties arise when communication and response is one-sided,self centered and exclusive of each other’s needs that arise through the process of inner and outward change. We are all subject to external change, and as we age, we can be inclined to adhere to self limiting habits and fixed opinions and ideas that can lead to stagnation. Over familiarity can lead to taking others for granted and diminished appreciation for each other.
Mutual relationships need strong partnerships, teamwork and consultation and mutual response, to survive in this changing and demanding domain of life and experience.
Being more mindfully aware of our thoughts and responses can lead to deeper and more sustaining connections in relationships and with life. Self knowledge can be awakened through close relationships and can arise through emotionally painful, exasperating and also loving, caring response and interactions.
An idealized notion of love and relationships can lead to painful awakening and life experience through unrealistic expectations for self and others.
Learning to live with and embrace difference and appreciate diversity is a life challenge through relationships and love that is more embracing of life.
Hi,
It’s tom again, sorry for the late reply. It sounds like my old relationship in that all my needs were not being fulfilled. Its tough and you give everything but nothing changes. The truth of the matter is your partner won’t change and you can love them and give everything but that is the truth. Having said that your partner is still a wonderful loveable person and they are doing their best and being the best they can be.
Rather than thinking the relationship will be better if my partner does x, y, z change your perspective. Think through why you need these things from them to have the relationship you think will make you happier. For example, will these things actually make you happier or is it an excuse. Are you truly happy in who you are is my broader question. If not this might be something you could think through and then do some work on yourself. If you are not 100% happy in yourself, something will always come up and pretend its making you unhappy, when in reality that’s not the truth.
Next time you see your partner just look at them and say nothing. Listen to what they are saying and think to yourself what can I do to make this person happy right now….how can I show this person I love them right here right now. In other words, stop noticing what’s not there and change that focus to what is there….because those things must be wonderful.
Trust me, its only when there gone you will realise this problem is your problem, take ownership instead of blaming your partner.
Don’t expect and just give and what your partner give you more back.
Hope this helps……Tom
What if you’ve been single years and years and years and years and years….. and have only once had a relationship. What books do you recommend? I have no one to practice my “relationship skills” on and I haven’t dated anyone in two years (that person dumped me after a few weeks)
I’m currently in a relationship where we are constantly working on things and constantly arguing. I know I have really low self esteem and have been struggling with depression in this relationship. I keep thinking that maybe I need to just be single so I can work on me as I know I’m probably the cause to this unhealthy relationship but I don’t want to give up on us yet so I stay in it and continue to go downhill..
What would you recommend? If you can recommend anything from the small amount of information I just gave you.
Thank you so much for this post. I resonate with so many points you mentioned- the demands, the sensitivity and quick reactions to any hint that he may love me less, the way I always expect something from him but never really put in an effort to give because the truth is, I was empty. I am ashamed of myself. I understand why I have been feeling so out of sync in my relationship, firstly, I haven’t spent time filling myself with love because I don’t think of myself as a lover or even like myself as a lover, never really believed I could really be whole. The kind of lover I imagined myself to be was just someone who basked in the affections of another, and in doing so, thought that form of response should be more than sufficient for my partner. Afterall, isn’t that what men want? They just want a happy woman. Maybe hollywood ruined it for me into thinking love is easy and effortless and women should be serenaded and pampered. All these while, I gave minimally, sometimes I gave nothing.
I just walk around with a gaping void seeking love, fantasising about how a random handsome stranger or acquaintance could love me back to wholeness with a god-like kind of love. Looking back in retrospect, this belief is so wrong on so many levels. In seeking or demanding love from others, I never learnt to love myself. The love I received from others emptied out almost as quicky as I receive it, I begin taking it for granted, demanding more and more of it each time so I could feel something, like an addict.
But I would always end up back at square 1, empty, because I did not love myself first. How blind and selfish I have been. I will learn to fill myself up and love myself to give out of joy, and I will strive to be a loving person. Thank you.
I’m sorry it took me so long to reply.
High self esteem and a strong, unconditional love for yourself is absolutely the key to a strong, loving relationship with another person.
One of the most transformative things that I’ve done in my relationship and in my life really is to develop a loving, positive and intimate relationship with my higher self. I constantly talk to her. At first though, to start a dialogue, I began asking myself: “What would I do if I loved myself more than anything else in the world?” and “What would I do if I were the the center of my own universe?”
I hope that helps, but I blog everyday about exactly this subject (increasing self love and self esteem and relationships): http://radiantattractionsystem.com/blog/ so that may help a little more. If you’d like to contact me we can talk: RhiannonSTR@yahoo.com
Being more mindfully aware of our thoughts and responses can lead to deeper and more sustaining connections in relationships and with life. Self knowledge can be awakened through close relationships and can arise through emotionally painful, exasperating and also loving, caring response and interactions. – wow – so true and so well put.
Ah yes, this I think is the challenge for most of us. We are all worthy, it’s just that our little self wants us to believe otherwise. Divorce can really set you back on this path to self love and worthiness, but there’s also something cleansing about that. I went through it. I think chatting with other women who have gone through it and are doing really well (not women who are in a painful place, that won’t be helpful) can really help. If you want someone to talk to, I’ve been there and am doing so well in my life now. Email me: RhiannonSTR@yahoo.com
It is SO nice that this is spreading.I hope it will spread all over the world! Your site is BEAUTIFUL! I love everything about it. Thank you for sharing it with me.