“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom
To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.
I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.
I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me. Except this time not only was he not walking with me but he was subtly trying to kick my feet from under me every chance he got.
I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
Falling in love can be a slippery slope, regardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.
Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.
I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.
The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.
But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?
How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?
Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.
For those of you who have been blessed to find a romantic love that is equally shared, I truly admire this and I have set the intention to find it one day. I think it all starts with being aware, open, and ready.
For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved.
Unfortunately I did it again this year and I can promise you that it was the last time. I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.
I have been tested often this year and with this came the opportunity to learn lessons. I have lived my life openly. I have experienced love and trusted the process. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart.
I felt the pain, and still continue to recover from it. My heart is healing and that is a slow process, but it was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. For this I am grateful. I’m also grateful to my friends and family who helped me to pick up the pieces when I didn’t have the energy to do it alone.
8 things I have learned about relationships so far:
1. If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it. Take the risk and dive in with everything you have.
2. Enjoy the good times together as they are happening and be grateful for them.
3. Stay out of the future and in the moment. Now is certain.
4. Protect both your heart and your partner’s, whether the love is still there or not. We are human and we deserve kindness. We don’t need to add to the burdens we already carry by hurting others. Trust me, it doesn’t make things better.
5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.
6. You cannot continue to give to another person when you are not at your best; when you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. When you feel like this, you have to do what is best for the relationship and for each other and wave the white flag to avoid further damage.
7. Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t. Please don’t do more damage to your heart by trying to fix something that has passed its expiration date. It will leave you raw.
8. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.
Life isn’t easy. Some things build us up and some tear us down. Our hearts expand and break and rebuild—repeatedly. We are constantly learning and changing and growing. If in love you find yourself in a sticky situation like I was, please stop picking at scabs.
Nothing good has ever come from this. Stop the cycle, and let your heart heal so you can find pure love. Surround yourself with loving relationships. Something beautiful is out there waiting for you. If you feel it on the inside, you’ll find it out there.
About Kelly Reynolds
Kelly lives in Ontario, Canada. She writes to share the lessons she has learned with others, and to re-read them as a reminder when she gets stuck. You can read more on her personal blog at http://fiesty2u.wordpress.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
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Love it- thanks Kelly!
Thanks!! This is great! 🙂
I think I’ll be writing down these 8 things. This post was perfect, and while I know it was your story, I really felt like it was speaking to me in a lot of ways. Thank you.
I can completely relate to your article. Just last week, I was forced to walk away. And although it was difficult, I finally feel free. I keep reminding myself that despite all the risks and possibility of heartache, it is worth it to continually open myself to others, because the alternative isn’t truly living life.
This is wonderful. If you apply this outlook and the inherent reality in it, both sides win.
This is very well stated. I have found as I become more centered and spend more time in the now, my capacity for love is increasing. Since I have learned to love without expectation or assumption, I don’t think I will experience unrequited love. I love openly and honestly, it does not matter if they return that love to me. If they do, then our relationship will evolve, if they don’t I have the joy of loving them.
Beautifully stated. I so needed to read this today, as your story is my story. Thank you!
been there, done that. What have I learned that i could share? Fall in love — with yourself. Do so totally, just the way you’d intend it if you were loving another or being loved by another. There’s a phrase out there that goes something like, “you are the one you have been waiting for.” Maybe that sounds trite to some but it resounds loud & clear for me. As long as my self-love was actually self-hate i wound up repeating the same mistakes in relationships. The same lesson reappears in our lives till we learn what we need from that lesson & move on & grow on.
wow! I cannot thank you enough for writing this article. <3 My boyfriend just ended our relationship a month ago, I wanted to chase him but I thought I did everything already and there's no more to give. I am moving on and I have found the good in goodbye and I have accepted that "Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. " and thank you for this reminder "You will find love again, and next time it will feel better." I know healing is not an overnight thing, it's a slow process but I wish I will be totally healed soon enough.
Yes I see myself in this story as well, and I too have learned the same lessons. Thank you for sharing.
This hit too close to home.. I chose to walk away from the relationship yesterday, and I haven’t accepted it yet. It’s so hard when you still love that person, and he is your best friend. It hurts and I feel helpless… but this article helped somewhat (though I burst in tears at some points). I’m just afraid that I will cave and fall into the cycle once again…
Thank you this! Well said.
Such wise words. I can relate to your stories very much. I have recently fallen in love with a wonderful women that unfortunately does not feel the same as I do at this time. And while the present moment is generally great, I fall in the trap of continually of wanting more from the relationship and pushing into the future at a rate she is not comfortable with. I just have so many amazing feelings for this girl, I do it almost subconsciously. This has recently created a small rift between us, and may eventually force us apart if we can’t get on the same page. And sometimes it leaves me feeling badly about the whole situation, badly about myself and badly about her. And so I ponder, at what point do I just walk away? Is the cycle and uncertainty worth it?
I never had the chance to say goodbye to her, which hurts my heart so bad. But I wanted her to know that she meant the world to me, even through all of the bad times we went through. It is going to be hard to leave my best friend and Soul Mate, but I have to find strength in knowing that it wasn’t in the books for us.
thank you so much for sharing these wonderful, beautiful & deeply insightful words. your courage and honesty is insanely inspiring!
i too have experienced my fair share of painful relationships & breakups…& while i was unable to understand at the time why i had to go through them, i have grown to realize that each one has added something incredibly profound to my life and that i am more open to love now then i ever was before. i know myself so much more intimately too because of my experiences – & that is invaluable.
your post has also made me realize that although it felt like it at the time, ultimately i am not alone on this crazy journey to find lasting & meaningful love. it’s a profoundly human journey & one we all share….so, thank you for reminding me of that powerful truth!!
Thank you so much for this post. I needed this today. 🙂
Thank you so much for this insightful article. It’s one that is timely for me. Your list of 8 things are spot on. It’s one thing to be aware of these things and aim to abide by them, but another to have them compiled in such a cohesive way and have one realize there are so many others that can relate. Thanks again.
So eloquently put. Love with passion and integrity- which includes loving yourself.
Thank you!
It feels like Kelly’s
story is very similar to mine and a lot of other women The learning and healing process goes on and on, the one think I have learned about my self is some thing I wrote out the other day, it is “Never accept less than you know you deserve”
For so long I took a lot less and have always regretted it , so no more ..
I too thought I walked away from a relationship two months ago from the person that I loved and was/is my best friend. Distance was our issue so there was nothing other than the reality of circumstances that forced us into a realization we could not be together. This was based on a definition of what we both thought a relationship was or should be. If you take the stance that your heart can be as big as you imagine it to be by keeping your mind and heart open, ignore all the definitions of what a relationship is supposed to be, and keep yourself from trying to “figure it out,” maybe your old relationship dies, but a new one (with the same person) can evolve. She is still my best friend and we share as much love as we ever have. But we also know that there are and will be others that pass into our lives, which has been the tough part, but a learning experience in an of itself, but well worth it. The key learning for me is that fractured love can harden our heart if we let it. Only by having more love, the selfless kind, and shedding all of our preconceived notions of what a relationship should be, do we expand or capacity to open ourselves to others.
Doug,
You are very fortunate to have learned to love without expectations, indeed, this is truly a wonderful skill to have.
I have to say though, I’ve met numerous couples in the situation where one partner has this skill…and the other doesn’t. Words can’t begin to tell you the roadblock this creates.
Kelly makes a great point when she says “Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them”. Perhaps the key here is…when dating, one should spend more time determining if the other person has this set of “skills” or not.
That being said…by “determining” doesn’t one have “expectations”?
The article is nice, but these are emotions we are talking about. It’s nigh impossible to control how one feels. Just telling people when it’s time to “end it” doesn’t really help anyone at all. Better advice might be to tell people to go out and meet new people, get out of the house, etc. Time does the healing. Not our intentions.
i appreciate this article. What if immense love is there but the skill set of the partners is not and fights occur frequently including the exchange of harmful words? This could be personal development, communication, psychology related to the past, lack of experience (not just experience, good experience). I am on a break, and I can assure you there is no lack of love.
As with everyone else who commented, this article really spoke to me. My heart goes out to the people here who have just ended relationships. I know much it hurts. I’m on the other side of that kind of pain from a similar loss, and want to say that it will get better, I promise! I never imagined that I would ever be happy again after that difficult relationship and breakup, but I’ve never been more consistently happy, balanced, and joyful than I am now. Even with the pain of it all, I don’t regret my last relationship. I know myself better now then I ever have, especially my dark side. Now, starting to date a new man whom I met when I was perfectly happy to be single, I find myself opening more slowly, but also being able to be more honest because I know how damaging ambivalence, ambiguity, and misconceptions can be. I’m absolutely aware now that this could be over tomorrow, or in an hour. It’s a poignant feeling, but not really that unpleasant. It makes me truly enjoy every moment that we are together, and reminds me to keep the rest of my life just as vibrant and exciting, so that I’m not expecting this new person to fulfill everything for me.
This is so true: “When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over”. I remember the moment I realized that words were no longer serving us. I should have walked away then. Oh well. Live and learn! Thanks so much for this article!
Kelly,
Great post! You made so many good points. My fav was…”“How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?”
Thanks!
Thank you so much, to everyone, for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I am learning so much more from your words and support. Big thanks!
Smherold4,
I was going to make a post in that same light; where one partner has the skill and the other doesn’t. This is truly a complex situation. Here we are taught not to have expectations, but when in a relationship aren’t we supposed to have SOME kind of expectations from our partner?
This unbalanced kind of relationship is stressful and in many cases volatile and downright nasty. I think Kelly summarizes it well….rather than “keep fanning the flames” perhaps it’s important one step back and ask….”How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?
Relationships can be very complex on so many levels as I am realizing. I am learning people tend to seek or end up with people that relate to their pasts, that satisfy previous or current unmet needs, people they can project their own issues on, and that they can have other;s issues projected on. Right now I am in such a low fog of confusion and sadness about my girl. Two weeks ago I was holding onto her for dear life (literally on a roller coaster as she gets sick) and now we are not on good terms. High highs and low lows in this one. I had to step back and clear my head and heart but she is so against any time off. Its now or never or I else I must not ove her enough and I want to go chase other women. If only she knew how much I love her but how inadequate I feel.
I could’ve written parts of this article. Likewise I am unlucky in love. 2-3 relationships ago it was well known amongst my friends that I am extremely unlucky. Here recently I had been spending a substantial amount of time with a woman who I thought I was building a relationship with. Out of nowhere she betrays me and both sides opened up and our relationship fell apart. I wasn’t in love with her but I felt a higher connection with her and I still do even though we haven’t spoken since.
I’ve been in love, once, 14 years ago. It was love at first sight…. to a girl who was forbidden to be with me, due to cultural differences. I never thought I’d fall in love so easily but I did. Having once loved and lost, I keep trying to get that feeling again but so far no luck.
I still think there’s somebody out there for me and I absolutely refuse to settle but I get so tired of it sometimes.
I found much of this post useful and helpful: thank you. I guess that in my own process in recent times I have come to question whether we ever love others in just the same way they may love us. I like the idea that we can each love in our own unique, strange, wondrous, colourful ways… sometimes I think of it as being like jigsaw puzzle pieces. The pieces are different shapes and colours and yet they fit together. I’m not so sure anymore that a relationship can’t be harmonious if one’s love is bigger in some ways than the other’s. That may say more about how each person loves, rather than so much about the other person. I guess, as the author of the article identifies, it’s about self-care and knowing if you’re happy or sad in a relationship and acting in an empowering way accordingly.
Thanks for the article I really enjoyed it and it really hit home.
It’s really hard walking away from someone you love.
This was so perfect to read tonight. I’ve found myself loving someone that feels they can give the same love back. I’m still supportive of her and there to help her through rough times if I can because I do love and care, but something changed one day when I stopped hoping for things to be like they were when we met. I just enjoyed the moments as they came. Not hoping for the future whether good or not so good just taking it in, enjoying simple love with no stress or burdens attached and knowing when enough is enough. Playing that elastic band. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this posting, it really resonated with me. I was cheering along with you!
thank u for sharing!
Couldn’t have been more timely in my life as my 14 year relationship and 10 year marriage is coming to a bitter end. Thanks for this post and this site.
This article goes well with the song “Turning Tables” by Adele. Its a really strong and powerful song.
Thank you, it helped me a lot =)
awesome!
Thank you for these words! I completely agree with you. So often do we place such a high importance on loving someone else, but what about you? Wasn’t it God who said “love thy neighbor as you love yourself”. We cannot give what we don’t have. And speaking about love, we must love and honor ourselves before we take the step of loving someone else.
It isn’t possible to control feelings, but it’s possible to control how or if you react to them. When I am able to pause and center myself, I can almost become an observer and “watch” thoughts and emotions come and go (like I do in meditation). It takes practice but can be done.
I came across this article at a perfect time. It hit so close to my heart I took it as a sign of acceptance and letting go with no resentment towards the other person. Thank you for your words of wisdom!
OMG! As I read this, tears were falling from my eyes, because I feel the same way! At times I am the obstacle prohibiting me from having love. Right now I’m in the middle of dealing with an issue with the man that I thought was “perfect” but am really finding out another side of him. While I could blame him completely, I realized that I put him on a pedestal initially because he was different than the others and now he’s shown me that he is merely a mortal as I am. But in the end, I know it will all work out, thank you for sharing!!
Sad thing is it’s my recent ex that sent me this link, hoping it would help me get over him.
We were together for over 4 years, high school sweethearts, and I tried everything I could to hold onto something that just wasn’t there anymore. Strangely enough, as much as I wasn’t wanting to read this, it really did help. A lot. Thank you so much for writing this article! I feel like I can breathe again.
I’ll keep my comment brief: this is exactly what needed right now; thank you so much!
Keep your chin up.
The one think I would say is to not go out searching for love – it will find you. I was in a relationship for 5 years that ended up turning toxic when my boyfriend started to get into drugs. We were high school sweethearts, then in our second year of college he started doing oxycontin. Long story short, it’s not easy to be in a relationship with someone who becomes addicted, then starts dealing, and all the while refuses help and denies that he’s addicted.
He’s not entirely to blame – I fully accept my responsibility for the demise of our relationship. I didn’t really know how to handle his drug abuse, or his verbal abuse, but I loved him and dearly wanted to be with him. Part of it was because I was afraid of being alone (I had been his girlfriend since I was 16, I didn’t know life without him!), and part of it was because I thought me leaving him would drive him further into the world of drugs. The screaming matches, the cursing at each other, and the snide insults should have been enough for me to walk away, but I loved him.
Then he died of a drug overdose 4 days before our 5 year anniversary, in May of 2010.
And you know, I will always love him and miss him, but I realized in the ensuing months that I was so much better off without him. It sounds crude, or crass or harsh, but I don’t mean it that way. I wish I had been strong enough to end that toxic relationship years before his death. I didn’t think I was strong enough to let him go, because it would hurt too much. Well, I was right about that – I can’t even begin to describe the pain of burying the person you thought you’d have forever with at the age of 21. But I did okay. Not at first, mind you, and I needed several months of grief counseling and a grief support group, but at the end of the day, I’m strong enough. I’m ok. The sun still rises every morning and I’m alive.
And wouldn’t you know, while I was working through my grief I met the most wonderful man… the man who will become my husband this upcoming April. 🙂
I yearned for that unconditional love that was lacking in my previous relationship, and it found me shortly after I stopped looking. So I would encourage you to let it happen when it happens.
As much as I’ve been hurt and scarred after everything, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I believe that I can only appreciate the relationship I have now because of what I went through. I’ve been in that crappy relationship that hurts and hurts, and I now have the most wonderful man in the world who cries when I cry. But I needed what happened to prove to me that I’m strong, that I can handle the world by myself, and that if I end up alone, that’s ok.
But there is hope. Love will find you.
It’s almost tough to believe how much I understood your story, especially your 8 pieces of advice at the end, not to mention all the others posting here who’ve experienced the same thing. I was on my way to figuring these same things out, but I just stumbled upon this article and it seemed like the perfect timing. Thanks so much for your insight, I’m sure it has helped more people than you realize.
Thanks! Sometimes the world with all the hustle and bustle can eat up your insides and before you know it, you are just one cold, numb and jaded being. You forget about what’s really important, and that’s enjoying every moment you can spend with your loved ones, especially your partner. All the running about to make ends meet, pay the bills and live a “normal” life, creates a void and takes out the happiness of living in the moment.