“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~Unknown
I’ve always been a control freak. But I’ve learned to control it!
I was born with the ability to quickly envision the most efficient way through a task, activity, project, problem, puzzle, or challenge. This has made me useful to many people, especially in my workplaces.
But it can make people crazy, too. Especially when I’ve expected others to buy into the approach I knew would work best, fastest, most efficiently.
My partner sometimes reminds me, “It doesn’t always have to be about being efficient!”
I was never good at delegating. I’d rather get the job done right. If I delegate a task to somebody else, it won’t be done the “best” way, will it! I’ll probably end up re-doing it anyway, right?
I have always strived for perfection. “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.” That phrase was nurtured into me as a child. It’s a good philosophy, but sometimes I’ve taken it too far.
Yes, it has affected relationships. Debating about my partner’s housekeeping style. Often being bossy. Being controlling. Wanting things my own way. Commenting about how others were doing things. “Hey, I know a way that would work better…” Sigh.
I always thought I was being helpful!
It turns out I really wasn’t, not always, not for some people. I finally began to understand that some people found my controlling persona annoying.
I came to realize that everybody has their own “best way” of doing things.
This was a key discovery in my path to letting go of my Control Freak—finally hearing that my ways were often not the most enjoyable ways for other people. Perhaps my way was very efficient, but not necessarily ideal. For them.
How about that!
How I Let Go of Little Miss Perfect
At the end of my first marriage, I reluctantly had to acknowledge that my “I know the best way” attitude had probably contributed to its demise. I began a personal challenge to unlearn that old behavior.
I found a new thing to be perfect about—being perfectly imperfect.
First, I lovingly acknowledged my Control Freak persona for all the good she’d been to me and for me. Then I accepted that she was officially in my past. I finally let her go.
Honestly, that was a moment of great relief.
I used to be all about “my way or the highway,” and now I’m more like, “My highway has all sorts of new twists and turns to explore.”
I began to enjoy being a passenger when the person driving went the long way to our destination because they didn’t pre-plan the route. Alternate routes can be delightful. Literally, and also figuratively.
I began to “let” other people do things their way—and to observe and learn, while staying silent about the “better” way they might be doing it. (Laughing at myself here about saying “let” and “better”—the control-freak phrases still lurk within!)
Yes, I still often envision a “better” way, but I began to appreciate alternate ways just as much.
I became open to hearing about and trying other people’s way of doing things. Now I stop and listen, rather than jumping right in with my solution.
Housecleaning is now entirely my partner’s task. I’ve learned to patiently await his next cleaning day, even when the cute little dust-bunnies jump out from the corners to mock my lack of caring about their presence. I used to remind him, but I let go of doing that, too. When to clean house is entirely his decision, not mine. I can co-exist with an occasional unmade bed. I can even stand putting away inside-out socks and t-shirts after laundering!
It’s amazing the things we can discover when we’re not trying to go from A to B in the most efficient or direct way.
I’m getting good at hearing Little Miss Perfect when she tries to take over my thoughts. I can now laugh at myself and move on, without meeting her demands. She is no longer in control, that well-intentioned control freak.
To be honest, for me this is not necessarily a more relaxing way of life—yet—but it’s certainly better for relationships and for going with the flow.
Some days I actually focus on not doing things efficiently.
This is a good retirement attitude, and these days I’m all about learning how to be retired. The good news is, I don’t need to do that “right” either. Instead, I read and listen to what other people say about being retired, and I give their ways a try. It’s working out great!
My partner says, “Everything I need to know about retirement, I’m learning from my cat.” I like this feline way. No controlling. No efficiencies. Just relaxed enjoyment.
But I still get to have control over some things.
There are still many things that rely upon me if they’re ever going to get done. Now I focus my control-freak persona on only those things. Sometimes they are things I’ve promised to do. Mostly, they are things that nobody else cares about, nobody else will even notice whether they get done or not.
I’ll admit it. There are still times when I crave that I’m-in-control feeling. I’ve reframed that craving. I’ve decided that, for me, it’s really a craving for getting something done.
A craving for control is actually a craving for that feeling of accomplishment we all get when we complete something and/or do something well.
When that craving arises, I put myself to work on a current art project or go out for an invigorating walk. Or I tackle a few items on my to-do list. That list is special because I’m the only person in control of whether or not (and how) those things get done.
And yet, it feels so good to cross something off the list. Job accomplished. In exactly the way I wanted it done.
A pleasant side-effect of satisfying my control cravings in this way is that I don’t procrastinate any more. I take control over my avoidance and tackle my lists.
So, in fact, it’s still okay to control whatever I want to control, as long as it’s about me and my own activities. My control freak no longer negatively impacts anybody else. It’s win-win.
Things I’ve learned on my path to No More Little Miss Perfect:
1. Listen to what people think and say. Their ideas are just as important as mine, if not more important.
2. “Anything worth doing is worth doing.” Period.
3. Be completely open to alternative ways of doing things. There’s always something new to learn.
4. It’s absolutely okay to not be a perfectionist. In practice, perfection isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not if I care about my relationships.
5. Expecting perfection in others is a good way to lose friends and alienate colleagues.
6. “It doesn’t always have to be efficient.”
7. Purposefully seeking out an approach that I wouldn’t normally think of can lead to adventures and discoveries and playful enjoyment.
8. Just for a change, plan to not make a plan. Just forge ahead and see how it goes.
9. Listen first. Think. Listen more. Only after that, it’s okay to speak my mind or give my opinion.
10. Sometimes my way is a good way. But other people can decide that on their own, without my help. It’s okay to present my ideas; it’s not okay to be forceful or insistent about them.
11. I don’t have to be in charge of getting things done. I can gracefully accept when others step up to take charge. In fact, I enjoy encouraging them forward.
12. I will absolutely learn something new when I observe how others do things. I enjoy following their path as a change from my own.
13. Go with the flow.
14. I’m not perfect, never have been, never will be.
15. Working with others is so much more interesting than working to control them.
16. I’ve never been hooked on an outcome, just on the process for getting there. I’m now enjoying not being hooked on the process either.
17. Relinquishing control is as rewarding and as powerful as taking control.
18. Cats have all the answers.
What have you learned about giving up control?
About Kate Britt
Kate is a retired teacher, editor, and technical writer living in Vancouver, BC, Canada. She blogs sporadically at http://ponderthepreposterous.wordpress.com/.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great post, thank you very much
Totally agree with everything you wrote. It describes me perfectly. I especially love #18!
Thank you. This is perfectly relevant to me now. I need to let go of my need to control and perfect things – hopefully these guidelines will help. 🙂
Wow. Sounds like you were truly annoying. Specially because, as you point above, there’s more than one way to do things right -or wrong. There are no absolutes.
I admire your being able to do this. While I never was a control freak, I was a passive aggressive, negative person, to the point where people really did not like spending time with me.I truly believed that to be invisible, non committing, hiding in the shadows, was a safe way for me to slide through life.It was only after I spent time in a class where 15 of the other students told me that ” I am so glad I met you, because I never never want to be like you”I was devastated of course, until I realized exactly what I was, and immediately worked towards changing myself, as I am glad I will never be like that either.
I now always try to be assertive, and balanced.
I find it hard to believe I was such a person, but I was and I thought it made me a good person.
Excellent Post Kate, truly enjoyable and informative.
Perfect timing, for you to be writing this and for it to have caught my eye on today of all days. The day after I went through my umpteenth phase of surrender.
I’m glad to see that “Listen” shows up more than once on your list. This is the paramount lesson I’m learning at the moment. “Soften to receive” is my current mantra. Easier said than done never had deeper meaning than it does right now.
This is a very tough lesson. Lots of emotion, red puffy eyes, frontal lobe headaches, tension in the shoulders and lower back. But I have the tools and I’m using them.
The funny and cruel reality is, ultimately we are not in control of our lives because we really have no idea when and where we are going to die. And the sooner we accept the truth, the sooner our life becomes truly light, free and easy.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
Sarah, one curious yogi
Claudia, I’m happy you enjoyed the post. Thanks for being the first to read it and post a comment!
Shannon, I’m glad my article seems to ring some bells with you. Yes, our cats (or any pets) do have some good lessons for us, don’t they! 🙂
I hope they do help you, Analyfe. I think the first part is the hardest — recognizing that we do have that “need to control and perfect things.” You’ve obviously made that first step, good for you, so keep up the good work!
Daniela, thanks for the laugh. At least I CAN laugh now at how annoying I was (and probably still am sometimes, as the work isn’t done yet for me). Before, I’d be annoyed at anybody who thought I was annoying. Well, they say we’re drawn to people who are mirrors for what we need to work on.
Robin, how awful for you to hear those words. Truly devastating. It’s so hard to hear the truth about ourselves. Even when we’re open to honest feedback, the truth can hurt. Your reaction, though, was awesome — beginning your work towards change. “Balance.” I like that you brought that word to the table here. It’s such an important aspect in all our relationships and dealings with people. Good on you for finding that within yourself!
Sarah, I *really* like that mantra: “Soften to receive.” I’m going to adopt that as a theme for a while and I’ll think of you and be grateful every time I think of it. A wise person once told me that to be able to receive (anything) with grace is one of the greatest gifts we can give other people in response to what they choose to offer us. For example, I used to poo-poo compliments; now I gracefully accept them and that truly pleases those who offer them.
You know, I too had years of the headaches and tension in those areas. But they’ve faded now… hmmmm, you are probably spot-on in associating those with control vs. surrender. Thanks for that observation, too!
Keep on using your amazing toolkit, Sarah!
Hi Kate! I’m new to your blog and I really like this post. I used to be a huge perfectionist, but I’ve learned how to stop being one too. Life is so much better now! 😀
Hi Maaike!
My name is Lori, and I am the founder of Tiny Buddha. This is actually a community blog. I publish posts from writers from all over the world. If you’d like to read more about it, you can find information here:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/about/
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/get-featured/
I also really enjoyed this post. Kate’s really quite insightful and talented!
Lori
Yay for both of us, Maaike, for finding how much better life can be when we don’t focus on perfection! Who knew! (Well I guess lots of people knew ;P. I appreciate your comment because it helps me feel supported in my ongoing efforts to let go of perfectionism. For me it’s like an addiction, it keeps coming up from time to time> But gradually I’m developing the tools to sidestep it. Catching myself “at it” is number one.
[…] note: I’m so excited — the above is my first published article at TinyBuddha.com. See it on the TinyBuddha site. Thanks for reading! ~ […]
I have a history that parallels yours. 🙂 I’m going through my most poignant letting-go-of-control healing phase RIGHT NOW! It’s hard, but I’m growing to really love it.
Thank you so much for this post! It was absolutely incredible & TRUE !! I could totally relate with it & I, myself endorse & practice the ideas put forth.. Keep up the great work.. Looking forward to more of such great thoughts.. 🙂
Yes, it’s hard. So, good for you, Ariella, for working on it! You seem to already be getting a sense of the rewards that will be there for you when you come out the other side of the healing phase. Control issues might always be there (well, they always are for me), so what’s important is finding our own personal ways to transform these urges into something creative and healthy. Find ways to make “control” a fun word in our lives instead of an unhealthy internal need.
Thank you, Umang, for the encouragement and praise. It truly helps to know that other people are on the same journey as I am and that our truths match up in the internal work we’re doing.
It’s starting to get fun. 🙂 The control detail I’m healing right now is letting go of material wealth as a sense of security. I’ve often tried to control my happiness by having things and I want to be better at being ok with less. The latest insecurity that stimulated my self-examination comes from the fact that between 2008 and 2009, I lived out of a suitcase as life did a big re-org on my life. I had a divorce, changed country, had 4 different addresses in the span of a year, depended on the charity of others to be able to afford the divorce and all this change etc. It was hard on me and I discovered that I’ve anchored myself too much in “having stuff” as a defence mechanism.
I’m undoing that now! Telling myself, “I am fine, no matter what happend! I have not been harmed and can cool it!”I don’t need things to be cleaned a certain way or whatever, but I do remember having been frustrated with a spouse if they left clothes on the floor for 2 weeks. I don’t care for clutter.
Wow, you’ve been through a lot! It sounds like you’ve been meeting this challenge head on for nearly 3 years. Isn’t it weird how sometimes we resist our hardest lessons until something forces us into a situation where resistance is futile. Hard way to learn, but perhaps effective? I totally relate to your ideas of “stuff” giving us a sense of security and surrounding ourselves with “stuff” being a kind of defense.
I hope you can find your way clear to the freedom (vs false security) and openness (vs needing defenses) that will surely come with letting go (of stuff, of the need for material wealth, of ex-spouses, of anything that becomes an anchor in your life). I wish you the best in your current self-work!
Thanks Kate! Yeah, big changes is what my life does. 🙂 It’s the pattern. I’ll have years of predictable days, then a big wham followed by accelerated growth, then some years of enjoying myself as that new person, then a big wham followed by accelerated growth haha.
I’m so glad you understand! Keep up with the flow that we don’t have to steer!
One might say, “Holy cow, your life sounds like a real challenge and hard to deal with.” Or one might say, “Aren’t you lucky to be given so many opportunities for growth.” Either way, you seem to be facing it with courage and learning much. Awesome. I do like your last sentence; what a way to look positively at what’s happening in your life!
I feel lucky for sure. I may grumble mid-stream mind you! 🙂 Still human!
This post hit the spot. I have always struggled to be “Lil Miss Perfect” to the point, where I would agonize of what I said, did or how I looked, and for what? Nothing!! But now I have realized that the more you try to “control” the more you don’t have that control you seek. So like you said, we just need to go with the flow and life is so much easier!!
Welcome to our unofficial ex-LMP support group. 😉 I like your idea about trying to control leading to diminished control. I’m going to think about that more.
I just checked out your website and twitter feed. Interesting!
Oh yes I recognise Little miss perfect! I think she’s already taken a step back but I have no doubt she can reemerge at any time. Nice to have her so well defined! Thank you! I’m sure this will help relationships.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Sarah. You’re right, she likes to pop in for a visit now and then so it’s good to have ways to recognize her so we can send her packing ASAP. 😉
Ok woah. That article sit so close to home it’s crazy. As a working artist, this is something that working with other artists has been teaching me about myself for years, albeit the hard way. Having it spelled out like that is amazing for me. The only thing that contradicts this idea, for me anyways, is the fact that the super successful people in the music industry seem to be people who completely immerse themselves in this need to find the best way to do things, and once found, make sure this is the method applied to the task. So maybe this mindstate creates a great artistic approach but a failed one in many other aspects of life. Either way, thanks for pointing out what I’ve only ever subconsciously noticed in the past.T
Wow, thanks for the feedback and some great insights. I’m glad my story hit home for you. Your observation that it’s a good quality for artists
makes utter sense. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been immersed in this “best
way” attitude myself. And perhaps what you’re saying is a partial
explanation for why many artists in all fields are often interpreted by
others to be loners, independents, aloof, introverted, even weird.
Artists live in a unique headspace, always creating their next thing in
their minds, often not paying attention to the details of other people’s
worlds and headspaces. We can observe, sure, and we can find
good/direct/efficient ways to get our creative (and other) tasks done, but we don’t always relate or mix in well with other people.
Thank you for this post! After reading it a week ago, remembering the advice was a huge help when I was gardening with my boyfriend. I tried to jump in and do things “efficiently”, but I would have missed out on a fun afternoon. I also would have missed out on seeing his ideas for design, and the whole process.
That’s so great, aurora! I’m glad that remembering the ideas in my post helped you have more fun. It’s great to hear that.
This post really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom!
I’m glad it meant something to you, Jennie. I hope you found some insights and/or solutions for your own inner control freak. 😉
[…] Article by Kathryn Britt […]
Hi Kate. This is uncanny. I too am Kathryn Britt. I could have written this article, as it seems to describe me personally (apart from the marriage breakup – still on my first marriage and my partner is the neat freak!). I found your advice at the end very intuitive and sensible and I’m going to take some of those lessons to heart. cheers, Kathryn
OMG!!! I’ve seen many Kate Britts online, but never a Kathryn Britt besides me until now. Hi Australia from Vancouver, BC, Canada! This is so fun!
Kathryn, I’m glad my article hit home with you, that the notes I made about what I’ve learned might prove helpful for you. I’m happy for you that you’re able to make your relationship work living with a neat freak. Maybe reading about things from my control/neat-freak point of view helped a little too?
Anyway…. I clicked your name and got your twitter page so I’m following now. I’m @skyhome. Also clicked to your company page. The Kathryn Britts are taking over the world! (oops, a little control freakism popped out there 😉
[…] I’m not always comfortable in working relationships where the other person is “higher up” than me—when they’re in authority. You could say that I’m a teensy bit of a control-freak. […]
[…] I’m not always comfortable in working relationships where the other person is “higher up” than me—when they’re in authority. You could say that I’m a teensy bit of a control-freak. […]
[…] Apparently, she didn’t give a rip about anyone but herself (his point of view) and he was a control freak (her point of view). There was much discussion back and forth and the words weren’t very nice, so […]
[…] Apparently, she didn’t give a rip about anyone but herself (his point of view) and he was a control freak (her point of view). There was much discussion back and forth and the words weren’t very nice, so […]
[…] Apparently, she didn’t give a rip about anyone but herself (his point of view) and he was a control freak (her point of view). There was much discussion back and forth and the words weren’t very nice, so […]
Really enjoyed the article. I stumbled upon it as I have just been told by people close to me today that I am a control freak. Thankfully it was not an intervention, just comments that coincided on the same day. I appreciate what you said about listening to others, considering what they like, the ways they like to do things and learning from them. I truly never thought of myself as controlling or difficult in my relationships but I am thankful that I was loved enough for them to be real with me. Thank you for sharing. It is a comfort that no matter what we are like, we are not alone.
Hi Kim, Thanks for posting. I’m glad you had the “coincidence” of finding this article and enjoyed reading it. (I’m of the “no such thing as coincidences” way of thinking.) I too find it a real help to know I’m not alone in my quirks and foibles. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about “I never thought of myself as…” — we controllers think we’re doing nothing but good, being oh so helpful, don’t we! Unfortunately, as you and I have discovered, other people don’t always see our actions and words in that light. Still, we need to be true to ourselves, all the while learning how to live happily with our dear ones. I’m glad some of my ideas might prove helpful for you.
This has blown my mind! It is exactly like me! My husband is laughing and wants to print it off as a reminder! Very confronting. I’ll just have to go and tidy and write a list before having a second look. By the way my husband calls me mrs righty pants!
Hello mrs righty pants :). I’m glad you found the article and that you and your husband are enjoying it. It is rather a funny situation if taken lightly and it sounds like you two have that approach. Thanks for posting!
I loved your comment about putting away inside out t-shirts! About a year ago, I stopped caring. I figured if my husband wants to wear it properly, he’ll right it before putting it on. It was a lot easier than harping on him to put it in the laundry right side out or resenting that I HAVE to do it. I enjoyed your article and am glad I ran across it. I spent many years trying to control everything (down to how each hour would be spent on vacation!). I came to realize much of it was because I felt the world was out of control, so my anxiety got out of control, and therefore I needed to organize my life against “surprises”. I never wanted to be caught off guard. It became very difficult as my son became a teen and fought me every inch of the way. He taught me a lot, bless his heart. Finally, thankfully, I just got plain worn out. I had to give it up. Like you, she served me well but it was time to let her go. Some things I still prepare for and try to control (I love my lists) and I will probably always be a work in progress, but mostly, letting go has been rewarding. Not feeling responsible for everything ever is a relief. Interestingly, my very laid back husband is starting to pick up the slack and take on some of the same traits I gave up; we just laugh about it.
Hi Ree,
Thanks so much for reading and posting. I’m glad for you that things are working out better as you’ve learned to lessen your feeling of needing to control everything, while still maintaining your much-loved lists. It’s a good compromise, isn’t it! I think it’s wonderful that your husband is adopting some of the better aspects of your previous ways. Meeting in the middle, or should I say, learning various methods of coping from each other, sure adds to a relationship. It sounds like you’ve got it all together. Way to go!
Great Article!
P.S: The opening quote is from a Brazilian author, Paulo Coelho.