since you do have your father’s pension and seem to live a fairly pleasant life

I spend most of it on my medication, actually i never buy anything besides my medication, but thats no excuse

you could always get a temporary job to earn enough for the next session. But you don’t want to.

And add more stress to my life? You don’t understand do you? Im on the edge, anything more would push me, imagine working to pay for more work, for a potential reward, no thanks, and yes i have no desire to heal, and i never will, its not really about the money, its not about anything, i just don’t want to, because its bullsh*t made for norimes, i left those things to norimes,

True self exists – because I’ve experienced it.

Lol, and im the one who dismiss science based on my preference

It’s our essence.

Says?

It’s also where our unique gifts and talents are stored

I wonder where does this come from? God? Destiny? If so and they are uncontrollable, maybe some people have “bad” gifts and talents? But no that doesn’t suit my belief and values, thats a ugly way to look at the world, its all about “pure” love, where does this love come from? You think someone would love you purely? There is always a reason behind this love, a fine example is anita, there was a reason why she “loved” me, because i made her feel something, she loved that feeling, its not about me really, and its never about the other person, people only love because its benefits them, it makes them feel something based on what they didn’t had in thier childhood, there is always a reason, uncontrollable reason for love, and its always about the person childhood, but i understand you won’t argue, i won’t either, im just saying my opinion

I like how you response to my messages with ease even though i sound bit aggressive, thank you for that

I think that true love should always be two sided, if the other person doesn’t appreciate you like you appreciate him, then he isn’t for you, you will have to move on, its funny because i never got bothered from this side, external things always seemed easy, when i knew that she doesn’t love me, i just moved on, like it wasn’t anything, i was a bit sad for few days, im bit sad now honestly, i missed up with anita, even though i know i didn’t do anything wrong, not directly, but i feel like i should’ve said different things, its always a mystery to me what to say and what not to say, i feel like its must be me, cause honestly she never said anything wrong or bad the whole conversation, but it doesn’t matter now

Since you offered your help, and you asked about my childhood, what exactly this help gonna be? and what exactly do you want me to talk about? Im just curious, if i saw it worth it i might try it, though i only have one condition, i won’t do anything physical or mental to “fix” things, i don’t like when people tell me what to do and not to do, i know best, and i don’t like them when they advice me, this condition seem like it blocks the help, oh well

I kinda like you teak, i miss this kind of people, the funny thing is, i lost them before i even have them, how fast did that happen, maybe there is an afterlife afterall, a community of kind people, a job that’s isn’t a waste of time, a reduced fear and anxiety, a partner, a different mindset, that would be heaven, too unreal, this motivates me to do it, but i develope more apathy along the way when i don’t, im in this hole deeper and deeper, its too late now to fix, and we should close the whole hole

If you could just notice those two parts – without judgment, without wanting to get rid of either of them. Just be aware of them

I am aware of them, but it doesn’t matter since i can’t satisfy what it needs, i was aware of this persona for a whole 2 years, and i leaned that it must not get out, it will cause more pain, and it did, when i saw reality, how ugly it is, i accept this fact, that this persona should always stay hidden

you think that if i accepted this persona and what it needs, then i will be able to motivate myself to work, and live life, and marry, you think that accepting my past self that was inherited, should make me wanna live? and make me happy? don’t you think i have enough proofs to be that sure? Its not just a me problem, its where i live and what i have got, sure i can get out of here, but that requires a lot of work, work i don’t see worth it, and i have depression (and don’t tell me those are excuses), you know im sick and tired of being the blame, no matter how much arguments i provide, no matter how much reasons i give, its always my fault, but you know what? I don’t care what you think or any of you think, you simply don’t know, you just can’t imagine how my life look like, and you never will

That probably left you feeling like they don’t care about you,

They don’t, my mother only uses us to satisfy her needs, at least my father didn’t care to use us, was waay out of this world

and thinking that no one cares about you

And no one does, not until i provide something back to them, not until they see benefits, and usually its based on societal standards

didn’t take you in her arms and caressed you (or did she?)

Nope, she doesn’t understand the child needs for such things

It could have given you the idea that the world is cruel and unfair and arbitrary,

And it isn’t? If so i would like a proof, a proof from my life, something i can see and feel

You didn’t even dare to wake up your mother when your stomach hurt

I should say that its not entirely her fault (and its not mine either) because as a child i cared for her too much, that i didn’t want to bother her

and therefore, love is “too unreal” for you, and you end up apathetic, unwilling to live. Because what’s life without love

Nice conclusion, though its wrong, thats not the reason why love is too unreal, i told you that i don’t follow my programming, that i ignored the thought of (you don’t deserve love), its too unreal because of where i live and my values and desires and goals and beliefs, so even if i manged to fix that belief, i would have to fix all of the above, you really think that’s possible?

It’s not your fault

“That’s your choice” implies it is my fault and that im responsible for my own misery, i dislike this idea you formed because its simply not true, and the evidence of such is that i developed apathy just to protect me, a strong apathy, and im proud of myself for doing so, i look back at the past, i see nothing worth living, i look at the future, nothing, the present is acceptable, under my rules, i respect myself for being so intepented, physically and mentally, and i love myself maybe too much that i don’t want to see her suffer for no reason, or because of an illusion created by people like you, an idea that may or may not happen, hope

You deserve better.

Following that logic then my mother deserve better, and my father deserves better, almost everyone deserves better, and what does that gonna do? Nothing really, just makes you have an idea that you inheritly deserve something without any effort, i don’t think that’s a nice idea to have, not true either, love is something you buy, and im not talking about money, im talking about prices we must pay to get love, everything has a price, and for me its too expensive, so i just don’t bother with it, the reward is little and the price is too high, without the illusion, without false hopes, it doesn’t seem worth it, it would be the same life with something extra and a lot of payment to do, payments i hate to pay

You deserved to be loved and cared for and comforted

If that’s true then where is it? Oh i must pay a high price for that? Doesn’t sound like i “deserve” it

It’s not your fault that you didn’t get the love and care you deserved. It’s not your fault that you were harassed. It’s not your fault that you were afraid of the dark, and that your stomach hurt. None of it is your fault

But its my fault that i developed a strong apathy ? You know apathy is funny because any solution for it requires the opposite, caring, its a paradox, i need some kind of motivation to drop my apathy, and there isn’t any currently, probably will never be, unless somehow i see enough evidence for not needing this apathy, but i really don’t think so, in time my apathy only grow more and more, medication helped with that by lowering my dopamine (which were motivation come from in the first place), im only afraid that i developed it so much that i would care enough to end my life, and just endure suffering for no reason but basic survival, like an animal

You grew up with the belief (and experience) that you need to deserve love

You didn’t understand my point, deserving is a creation of the mind, we made it up, a child doesn’t inheritly deserve something, unless we talking about a fair world, and this isn’t, no one deserves anything, i like to say babies NEEDS love, not deserve it, deserving for me requires effort to the part that deserves, how else would you deserve it? Even then you don’t actually deserve it, but you think you do, even if you paied the price you might not have what you deserve, so why even say “deserve”

and so you refused the whole idea of wanting love.

I do need love, though i won’t die if i didn’t have it, and i refuse to put my needs at the mercy of other people, and i refuse to be controlled in order to get “love”, to  change my values and goals just to pursue an idea

What I am telling you is that you don’t need to suppress the longing of your heart

Ofcourse i do, otherwise i will just need them obsessively, without having them

You don’t need to pay the price to be loved

And how would i get it then?

You can start loving that anxious, fearful, lonely boy right now

Why did you assumed that i don’t? I already gave him what he want, a life that easy and doesn’t have much pain, he needs things that i can’t provide, things that outside of my control, and i only foucs on what under my control

Do you think you could get in touch with the little boy Murtaza and give him some love and care?

Whats the point? He won’t get what he needs, maybe never, so why bother? And i already gave him an unconditional love, im good with myself, i take good care of it, and this is why i thought about suicide, and i already gave a good example, i will do the same for my kids, never make them, if that means i can’t marry so be it, but i won’t do what my father did to me, i won’t use my kids as a way to make life easier

You seems to think (after so much evidence) that the problem is within me, that if i did something different then i will have it, now thats half true, it is in me, the problem, but its never gonna change, and i accept that, i like it sometimes actually, i respect myself, i value it, maybe that was a bad idea, but it happened

I remember that i asked for my therapist the same thing, to understand my situation and accept my decision, she replied “whats the point?, so what if i did that? Its not gonna change anything” she thought that accepting and understanding is uselss in therapy (lol), and she only wanted to change me, just like my mother, to fit her pov of life, projecting her values and beliefs on me, thinking that hers must be the right one to live, but now as i receive it from you, after i wanted it for so long, from anita, it feels nothing, and im glad it does feel like that, cause it a sign that i won’t need people anymore, and if you gonna say “maybe you should” i only answer with “only if i see any difference”, only if i saw people like you in real life, and to actually have a relationship with them (nearly impossible in iraq), i don’t understand why you want me to drop the best thing i ever did, and it still works, to this day, i want love so much, but i won’t receive it, not from people, i felt like a slave to females, because they have what i want, and in order to get that i have to do certain things, i have to have money and live life i don’t like, so no i don’t accept such need, i won’t allow my “human” needs to control me, no i control them, miserable but satisfied, in full control of to satisfy my needs, not a slave to money or people, animal, but not a slave

You can fill that longing by being a loving, compassionate parent to your inner child

I already did that, but the hole is still here, and i don’t believe that there is only one way to love yourself, i do it my way, the way i see it fit, not whatever you say, not whatever anyone say

You can fill that longing by being a loving, compassionate parent to your inner child

And i would suppose that there is only one way to be a parent to this child, and its a man made way, i don’t care how many people got healed by this way, i already did best for myself

What you actually said about your inner child is that you’re aware of him but you suppressed him

You don’t know what im talking about, you don’t know how i lived needing love everyday excessively, so excessively that i wanted to remove this need from the origin

You’re not loving him by suppressing him. You’re not giving him an easy life by making him stay hidden, by telling him not to have feelings, or hopes or dreams.

Oh yes because you know my life to judge that, you know how its like living in iraq with dreams and hopes, to have anxiety and shame and gulit as your primary feelings, but no its fixable, you just got to workout,

you gonna teach me how to love myself? I can’t continue this conversation if you didn’t drop the idea that i don’t love myself, it just makes me mad how you blame me while you don’t even know me, i can’t do this again,

Actually, you can provide the love he needs. I told you how to do it

I just talked to the guy, he told me that he want, an understanding loving mature female to use her for his own needs

I know you haven’t given him what he needs, because you believe the best option would be take your own life. A loved and cherished child wouldn’t think or feel that way.

Sure you know, because of the few post i did here, now you have the key to my life, and allowed to advice and give opinion, did you even hear what i wrote above, im gonna say it here, imagine your child has cancer, now imagine that cancer doesn’t go away, and he lives with it for the rest of his life, now imagine your child telling you, no, begging you, to have mercy on him and end his life, because he is suffering and he don’t like it here, but you let him live anyway, and everyday, he is begging you to end this life, without any hope of this cancer going away, now you, let him live, and not only that, you telling him its his fault for havig such horrible life, for not loving himself enough so he likes life, you blame him for his illness, and you blame him for not trying to live, for wanting to die, is this sound like unconventional love?

So for the sake of argument, lets say i did what you asked me (assuming that i didn’t do that) would that change anything? Will it change my goals and desires and beliefs and values? Especially when im very fixated to not change them, and its called OCPD, i don’t care if i wasn’t diagnosed, my sister have it, and i have it,

Please teak, you make me very mad, i like you, i really do, and i don’t want to stop talking to you, even if i just talk to you with whatever, but i don’t want to do this again, to be misunderstood no matter what reasons and arguments i provide, this right here triggers my hopelessness, no matter what logic and how much evidence i put, you will never accept me or like me, you will never be okey with my decision, not because im wrong, but because you don’t like it, and i wish it wasn’t that way, i wish there is a place for people like me in this world, i wish that it wasn’t so hard to be loved by people, you don’t know how lonely i am, and you telling me how to love myself, i did, and i do, and i want people, i want that hole to be filled, and you think that i didn’t because i didn’t pursue those things, that if i did loved myself really i would satisfy those needs, but those needs require me to change my values and goals, the very thing that makes me, myself, to betray myself, it only happens when i hate myself so much, that i would want to betray every thought and belief i ever did, and live life normal, to satisfy my needs.

Can you understand this? If no so i could save your time and mine, its sad though, that every person i talk to either kill me with his wrong advises and suggestions, or just go away, i believe that anita was right, how could she be wrong? She is nearly an angel, and who im i? Just a nobody, i know its my fault, and i can’t be sad, but i want to feel sad about this, she represent all the nice people in the world, i lost them all, and its my fault, i wish heaven is real, i would imagine all the good people together, and maybe there is a place for me, to filled with this warm