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Work crush gone bad – need advice!

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  • #98836
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Karene,

    No, you don’t need to change anything about your appearance or your body, as he already likes you for you. From what it appears, he seems to be attracted to you and genuinely have special feelings towards you, to invite you to this house and watch movies on the couch. He definitely respects you to know that you were raped in the past and to respect your personal space. When the movie was over, you could have both went to bed cuddling each other without the expectations of intimacy. I don’t see the harm in cuddling and holding each other in bed while you two slept that night.

    If he follows you on FB, that is yet another good sign that he really admires you and wants to have concerns with you on social media. I’m sure he still has a lot of feelings for you but there’s an obvious lack of communication going on between the two of you. I’m not sure why that is but you’ll have to reach out to him. Also, those women are probably just friends and don’t believe he would photoshop people in his photos. I’d talk to him about it though first, before assuming anything. Many people have nicknames on their FB accounts, it isn’t anything unusual these days.

    Again, there is definitely no need to change your appearance, you are beautiful just the way you are, he loved from he beginning just the way you are and he will love and care for you just they way you are now. Everything you wrote at the beginning about him, tells me that he very much so thinks you are special and beautiful and enjoys every moment of being in your presence. His big smiles towards you and the face of you not working on the weekends weren’t of rejection, they were of disappointment because every moment spent with you was special, so when he knew you weren’t going to be around on certain weekends, he was going to miss you dearly. All these things spells – I am in love with you, I miss you when you are not around/present.

    You are certainly good enough and you’re not plain nor ugly! Hell no hun! “body dysmorphia” That isn’t true either, as I can tell you care about your body from what you’ve written about yourself. Everyone woman craves attention and deserves it from the person she loves and vice versa. He probably does believe all the other women at your workplace are average and that you are the only the beautiful one, which is most definitely a great thing. 🙂

    I hope for your sake, you get back in touch with this person, you seem to have had a very special bond with him and you don’t need to be hard on yourself anymore, you are a beautiful woman inside and out. And remember – You are always good enough hun!

    Sending you lots of love, positivity and light your way…<3

    M.

    #98842
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Karene,

    Some thoughts came into my head which may or may not be true ~ so take them with a grain of salt. It is possible that:

    1. He didn’t feel threatened by you when you met, but once you started taking care of yourself, he DID?

    2. Some Hook Up Sites teach the guys the Build Them Up and Tear them Down philosophy. After tons of special attention, suddenly there’s none. This is used to keep the girl unbalanced and make HIM the one with the higher “mate value”. Also used by giving compliments with sudden put downs.

    3. When he implied that you were average (because everyone at work is) he was practicing this kind of technique.

    4. Same thing with the Angel Girl comment. That was so you don’t get any illusions/”illusions” that you’re special.

    5. The FB Page concerns me. I have tons of Friends and NO ONE does the Friending 100 Blondes you don’t know and Photoshopping them with you in the photos.

    I would ~ seriously ~ date other people. An added perk to this would be that he would be kept on his toes! 😉 … But I think it’s time to see someone who doesn’t play games.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    #98850
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Karene:

    When you started to lose weight and exercise as a result of his attention to you at work, that was a good thing for you. It means to me that you like getting positive attention from a person, from a man. You very much like to feel special in the mind of a man. This is not… uncommon, I mean, who doesn’t?

    Feeling you are special to someone motivated you to effortlessly, almost, lose 30 kg. This means feeling special to someone means a whole lot to you.

    And then you noticed things and you realize you are not special to him, not at all like you believed earlier. And I agree, from your post, it is true: you are not special to him like you thought you were.

    But it is also true: you still want to be special to someone, very special.

    He places himself inside photos of pretty blond women on his FB page, together with romantic pictures and songs, following those blond friends who do not follow him back- this means to me that he lives in fantasy.

    When you try to fit his idea of female beauty, you are trying to enter his fantasy, his psychosis.

    Better stay in reality, keep your weight loss, keep exercising and find the man who sees you as the special person that you are (not only by physical appearance!) in reality, not fantasy.

    anita

    #98869
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Sorry but I disagree with posts above because you are obviously a real person Karene, so he can’t be fantasizing about you. The Interactions between you and him are real too – So the “fantasy psychosis” can be thrown out. Everybody fantasizes, whether it’s about marriage, having a family, a vacation, travel, goals etc. Walt Disney dreamt and fantasized about Disneyland before it ever even happened. Fantasy psychosis doesn’t exist unless you are telling people made up stories that never even happened. Everybody in this world dreams and fantasizes, it’s the way every day life is and nothing abnormal about it. I guess many should stop reading books that weren’t written upon actual events, as those books were written from fantasized psychosis. Now, none of here know him well enough to know who he is psychologically, nor are we professionals or certified to make psychological evaluations on him. The whole FB thing and him Photoshopping fake people, sounds extreme. I’d make sure he’s in fact doing that 100% before assuming or accusing him of such because that would be embarrassing for you, if it turns out those women are his friends and not photoshopped. Not sure how you want to go about that, as this is something I have never heard of before but I would get the facts before assuming. Either way at this point, my best advice to you is if you want to continue on going down this road with him in mind or not. It doesn’t sound good if you think all these strange things are happening on his social media, no trust, lack of communication or none at this point and everything else you have been feeling. If it turns out that everything works out and it was a mis-understanding then great! If it doesn’t, then you’re better off because you need a normal, stable, secure and healthy relationship where there is constant and open line of communication, so that you’re not left wondering and assuming.

    You know what’s best for you Hun. Remember you are beautiful and you are special, always! 🙂

    I will be gone starting tomorrow for work. So you will have all the support you need here.

    Sending you lots of love, positivity and light your way.

    M.

    #99476
    Karene
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for helping me see some logic in this and kind words. I hope to be able to learn and pass on the same kindness.

    I think I am slowly starting to move away from seeing him on this pedastool- of seeing him in a romantic way. The women on his facebook page are people he does not know. He just follows them because of how they look and there are only about 8 women or less on there. He has none of his friends on there. And the photos he has photoshopped himself into- there are only a few- but they are with famous women singers that he likes the look of. And then all the 1000 selfies of himself. I know this is unhealthy.

    The thing is, what should I think of this? He knows I can see it and I think he just doesn’t care I have no idea? Like I said he does have schizophrenia- but his last name has been turned into asa model – so its like some fantasy thing he is obsessed with. But its quite hurtful to go on that page of his and see all these love hearts and romance clips in films and quite romantic stuff on there- but also with all these photos of women he likes the look of- one after the other- like obsessive. Like he is trying to find some perfection in a woman to keep this hightened ego fantasy going. It just seems a whole lot more extreme than the average guy because of his illness.

    But what I am saying or asking is am I a girl he likes the look of too- for he follows me like he follows those other girls. Or am I just someone he wanted to keep an eye on or maybe he thought that I liked him so its just for his ego. It just is very confusing for me- I don’t go on there now- it can really get to me- because I have been dealing with body dysmorphia and at the moment its about my face and I have been very very depressed.

    At work I feel like Im not important to him. But I make a thing to make him feel that from me and always have because he can be a bit of a silly joker. There is a part of him that is very sincere and apologetic. He used to open the door for me everytime I was going home. Things like that- like last week he said he hoped he didnt disturb me too much with his silliness. That sort of thing. And I know there has been something there- I felt it and still feel it – but its not like it used to be.

    Im not saying I want him in a relationship- okay there is a big part of me that is all for that- but I have a higher conscious. And Im not so naive that I think he is attracted to me- but I do know that there is something there. I feel like because I over-worked myself there- for sometime I volounteered on weekends because he was there (as well as work my week). I guess I looked desperate and showed that I had no life- that I think the issue is that I am boring now- and that is because this crush has wiped out who I am – was- because its been 5-6 months of it. I never have much to say around him anymore- and everyone knows I have social phobia and am antisocial. Im not exciting and dont really relate to things he is into much anymore.

    That is why I have not been working on weekends anymore. I want to stay away and discover my own self worth. I have begun trying to paint. But every weekend I get very very depressed. I feel like I want to show him and myself that I can love myself again and that I have my own life. Its just kind of hard when I see his page because its confusing to me- I am the only girl he follows I am sure that he knows personally and he knows that I could go on there and see- so what is with that? Does he not get that would make any girl feel so inferior?

    #99477
    Karene
    Participant

    Also- I just wanted to add that he still kind of flirts with me – but I try to always get away from it. Because I am not sure if it is flirting or just trying to push my buttons.

    #99488
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Karene:

    You mentioned that you suffer from body dysmorphia, social phobia and that you are antisocial. And he has schizophrenia.
    These disorders (root cause is fear) play a big part in the interactions you have with him and your thoughts and feelings about him, as in during the weekends when you are not working.

    You wonder about his FB presentations: isn’t he aware of what’s in there? How can he have this page knowing you are looking at it? Good questions. Here are possible answers, only possible: He sees nothing wrong with following women he doesn’t know. Maybe he believes he does know those women and that they are following him as well. (Hallucinations and delusions are part of the diagnosis of schizophrenia). Maybe what is real and what is not real are (at least at times), mixed in his mind and he can’t tell the difference.

    Those women on his FB that he likes for their looks, he liked them before he met you. It is very possible that in his mind, he does not know that you are offended by those photos, that you are comparing your looks to those women’s looks. He probably never entertained those thoughts.

    It is possible that he has never had a physical relationship with a woman, too afraid to, and that he finds comfort in fantasy. In his interactions with you, his real and fantasy world come together, but he may not know or care to know what is real and what is not.

    Did you ask him questions in the past? About his illness (he told you about it, is that how you know?) Did you talk with him? You can clarify a lot of your questions if you could talk with him.

    And if things became clear to you, if you could see yourself, and accept, what is real and what is not, you will have peace of mind. It is not only people suffering from schizophrenia who believe things are true that are not true, we all do. This is why we have to ask, examine, check and find out for ourselves what is really going on.

    Please post again with your thoughts…?

    anita

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