Dear fmck32:

I am glad you posted and I sure hope you don’t regret that you did.

As to your last question: “why did he feel the need to do it so continuously up to this point? Why did he treat me with so much contempt before?”

I believe the answer is likely to be something like this: because before he was repeatedly angry at you and has expressed his anger with those mini-attacks as I call them, attacks of criticism (as opposed to, let’s say, a physical beating). Currently he is not angry at you, therefore he is not attacking you.

When people are angry, just like other mammals, they are motivated to fight- this is what anger is about, a motivation to fight, to inflict harm on another. And so he did.

It was not your fault, your doing and none of your responsibility. It is his anger, circulating in his brain from long before you met him, long before. It is taking a break now. It is only a break. It will be back.

In comparison to your first husband he seemed like a dream. In comparison to his behavior when drunk, his sober behavior seemed lovely, before now, that is. All we know is our personal experiences so that is all we compare new experiences to.

There are behaviors out there that in comparison to what you know will please you to no end, fill you with awe, as in: I had no idea a man can be so decent and loving, angry at times but never abusive…

Hope you post again here.

anita

Dear fmck32:

I like your realization, realizing something true is an important step in healing. The more we see of what is true, the healthier we are.

As to your last line: “I wonder how I readjust a whole lifetimes training? How do I develop value in myself?”

I learned that a person (I’ll use “you” here) can’t develop value in yourself all by yourself, in the context of a social vacuum. As social animals, the context has to be a relationship with another person. In other words, you can’t do it alone.

It is like a person looking for a job and being told: you need experience doing this kind of job in order to get this job. The applicant is frustrated: how can I get experience if I don’t get a job to begin with?

Same here. You need the experience of being valued by another in order to internalize that value and trust it. This can be gotten from a competent, caring psychotherapist. Or by another person who is… caring and capable of being caring, that is not someone with anger circulating in their brain, ready to relieve themselves at any time by attacking another. Someone who is able to notice when they get angry, evaluate the situation and make a thoughtful choice about their behavior (take a walk, a hot bath, then figure out what the real problem is and how to solve it by interacting with the other person with EAR: Empathetically, Assertively and Respectfully; a Win-Win interaction).

Pay attention to the relationships you are currently having- notice the empathy, the assertiveness, the respect- these necessary ingredients. Carry on the relationships with these ingredients and you will develop or continue to develop value in yourself. Abandon relationships that don’t have at the least Respect.

Look for new relationships with these three ingredients, study the person: how does he deal with anger? Is he empathetic to me? Is he assertive (a passive person is likely to explode with anger following a period of lack of assertiveness)? Is he respectful? Take time to study a person and the nature of the relationship. Be those things (EAR) yourself. Don’t jump into a relationship, take it slow so to study, learn, evaluate.

Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear fmck32:
Let me first say I feel your pain. No, really, I know that pain because I have lived it from a childhood of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse to an overly critical, controling, mean spirited, insecure alcoholic husband that could not keep his pants zipped. We hit adulthood and adult relationships so ill equipped to know what one was, much less, how to maintain and function in a positive, loving, relationship we gravitate to what we know . . . dysfunction. Oh honey, it happens a little bit and piece at a time the giving up, the believing what we are told . . . no I am going to go so far as to say beat into our psyche that we are worthless, stupid, cannot do one single thing right. That no one wants us and we are lucky to even be treated this way and that our friends and family feel the same way about us too as he continues to isolate you and chip, chip chip away until one day you know here, THIS, is costing you your sanity so it is jump off the cliff into the unknown(which most of us fear more than the abuse because it is known) or without a doubt lose your sanity. I call it ‘Gaslighting’ after the old black and white movie of the same name(well without the ing)staring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. You will be amazed at how soon you will start to feel the weight start to lift off your soul and you wonder and ask yourself WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG. Seek out old positive friendships or dip your toes into the waters of new positive healthy relationships. You will soon start to realize, hey wait a minute here just statistically speaking 100% of everything I am or did cannot be wrong. Do things to build yourself up, help others, believe in you again, realize while some choices we made in life got us into that dark place we do not have to stay there nor do we have to make the same mistakes . . . and end up back but with a different set of players. Trust me, I have taken my clothes off and stood naked looking in the bathroom mirror trying to find just exactly where WELCOME was stamped on me because it felt like it was neon and every selfish user in the world could smell me coming and see the neon welcome mat. I by no means have the answers and I by no means have resolved all my issues but I do know that if it comes down to being in no relationship and treating myself right or going back to being in a relationship and not quote unquote being alone but being miserable in every fiber of my being . . . Yes party of one please. I struggle with learning to live in the now making the conscious choice not to let my past define me and turn loose of all my pain, anger and resentment instead of wearing it like a red badge of courage or the patient ID at the local mental institution.