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wife and I separated/back together–haunted by other relationship

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  • July 6, 2017 at 9:25 pm #156736
    lost123
    Participant

    My wife and I married very young. We changed a lot over time, got bored, I felt suffocated. Though we loved each other still, we decided to separate to just see who we were and what we wanted. We were allowed to date, and kept in touch with each other too by phone and some dinners.

    We were separated 2 years. I met someone else in that time. She is the female version of myself, faults and all. Incredible chemistry, a deep connection, and so many fun times together. This new woman was everything I have ever wanted, honestly. Wherever my wife and I didn’t match, we matched. My wife hates travel, I love it. My wife is an introvert, I am not. I fell in love, but I could never shake the feeling of guilt and duty to my wife. Minor dealbreakers were that she didn’t really want children, and we were almost too alike.

    My wife approached me after 2 years and asked me to try again. It felt wrong because of all the fun and love and chemistry I was feeling with this other woman. But I had to admit: when I picture the last face I need to see before I die, it’s my wife’s. I loved her first and even though we are polar opposites and don’t “spark” each other, I feel deep, familial, protective, concrete love for her.

    So the other woman and I broke up and I tried to work it out with my wife. Things are nowhere near as fun, but things are ok.

    How do I accept my choice and move forward, knowing I gave up my romantic true love for my familial true love? It feels very Bridges of Madison Country. I want to be ok with this and move forward with my decision and make my marriage as good as can be.

    tl;dr Haunted by wonderful, better-matched relationship I had while my wife and I separated, but we got back together because I feel married in my heart to her despite our differences and lack of passion.

    July 7, 2017 at 6:39 am #156790
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lost123:

    I am very familiar with the movie Bridges of Madison Country. The character Francesca Johnson, chose to not join Robert Kincaid and remain in her marriage to her husband because she was afraid, this is my understanding. She was afraid to leave the familiar and engage in the unfamiliar. She was afraid to leave the predictability of her life.

    Is it fear in your case as well? I understand that you were not living with your wife while engaged with the better matched-to-you woman. But could it be that you  were afraid nonetheless?

    anita

    July 7, 2017 at 7:28 am #156802
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi lost123,

    I hope you didn’t engage sexually with this other woman. Sex is a very strong glue that can further activate chemical bonds in people.

    Hey, I feel you.

    But what invariably happens is you will, in as soon as a few years, see the other woman who you had so much in common with. And notice that she’s not really like you anymore. That there’s not a lot of that initial spark. That you are bewildered that you had any romantic feelings for her at all.

    You will also discover (especially if the two women are in the same room) that your wife, the old, the familial, will look better and better in comparison. And is, actually, more like you on a spiritual level. Classier. Rock solid. Awesome.

    Who needs travel? Everything’s right here at home, after all.

    Inky

    July 7, 2017 at 1:27 pm #156906
    Craig
    Participant

    I see this much as Inky does.

    I’ll put it a different way, though, just for fun and maybe it will be helpful also.

    Falling in love is very much a chemical experience. Your brain gets flooded with phenylethylamine, which is a stimulant. You feel high, confident, amazed at how perfect your love interest is. I suppose that’s how nature gets people together to procreate and perpetuate the species.

    But what happens inevitably is that concentrations of phenylethylamine will fall off, and the very same person who once seemed perfect inexplicably has flaws you didn’t see before (they were there all the time).

    The bad news is that one typically feels disillusionment at this stage. The good news is that now you can get busy building a real relationship based on who the person actually is.

    It could be that the woman you were with for a couple years would be a happier match for you. I don’t know.

    But I think comparing your wife (who’ve you known for a long time) with a woman with whom you probably never moved out of the romantic stage, is comparing apples and oranges.

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