Dear EvFran:

Thank you so much for your kind words. Your words, your post is probably the last one I will be responding to, and I am grateful for it. Thank you so much for your support!

anita

Hello EvFran,

I’m sorry about your pain.

First and foremost, I relate to this concern a great deal too. I’m 23 years old and I’ve lost contact with many people I used to think were part of my everyday life too. I do not know how to respond in a comforting way to this concern as I’m also experiencing it. However, I can share with you my story of how I first experienced this feeling at a very young age and how I’ve learned how to deal with it better.

A disclaimer, before I do, is that, unlike what you have expressed in your situation, I don’t travel as often, if anything it is within the country.

I was around 10 years old when I met my 1st best friend. I didn’t have many friends at school and I’ve often felt very alone until the 4th grade. We clicked right away and at the time it was a great deal that she and my parents got along too, given we both were young. I can still remember the fun we used to have on our way back home, school started to seem less lonely and less of an intimidating place for me socially. At some point, however, I was starting to lose contact with her, though I cannot right now recollect a memory of that time, but eventually, we lost contact and she left without saying goodbye. It was only later in time when I passed by where she used to live that my mother told me that she left town. I remember feeling really sad about that, and it was less because of what drove her to (leave) and more because we never had a proper goodbye; After all, everyone is subject to circumstances they cannot control especially at such a young age.

Right now, I cannot tell you that I have mastered the art and/or science of letting friends go with no prior notice but I’ve learned how to honor my feelings better when it comes to that. Depending on the depth of the friendship, rather than sinking into the negativity of them ”disappearing”, I would journal or write a letter to them that I wouldn’t send. I naturally fell into doing the latter because I’m a bit of an old soul like that and it really feels like I’m talking to that person as if they were in front of me.

On this note, I hope that you feel better in regards to this concern and I’m cheering for your journey.

Please feel free to keep me updated on what happened with the friendships you mentioned or really anything that strikes you on this matter.

Best wishes,

Luna

Dear EvFran,

Your post spoke to me. It is something I struggle with so often as well. I am so sorry for the hurt you’ve been feeling both with the loss of your partner and the lack of consistency with your friendships. I relate very much. I am an only child, no siblings, so friends are very important to me. My family was always unstable, so this adds to the need for a “chosen family” with friendships. Like you, I try very hard, always try to be there, to be considerate, to reach out and check on them. But it is not always reciprocated the way I hoped.

There have been times in my life that my merely ASKING for a friend to reciprocate, or to try to be more considerate, has completely ruined the friendship. So I have stopped asking, stopped pointing out how I would like them to act. Losing some of my old friends has made me realize you can’t make someone treat you how you would expect to be treated. It is SO HARD to lose friends, especially when it is a long friendship. But if the dynamic has changed where they are not treating you as you should, sometimes it is easier to let go, than to hang on and feel neglected and hurt for years and years. I know because that is what I used to do. Now I have shifted my approach. I send love and light to them when I miss them, but I don’t ask them to change. Some of what others have said is true…life is busy, COVID has changed us all, the over-abundance of tech and social media has somewhat ruined our brains. We are all mentally exhausted. I take what people are able to give, and try to fill my cup myself if it still feels empty.

My desire has always been to have people think of me, include me, the way that I try to include everyone. It makes me sad that I am not thought of in that way, the way I think of others. But I look for signs, and I try not to put energy into places that don’t give back anymore. Someone said to me once, “if you hold on to a dead frienship, it is like an anchor holding you down. Once you let it go, you become free to attract another friendship that can bring you higher”. I would look at your situation not as a limitation but an opportunity to meet others. Being in new places, far away from people who do not put effort into you is not a negative thing. You are in beautiful new places, and once you let go of the grief from these older friends, you will open up to receive new friendships with people who see your value. Good luck!

Hi EvFran:

I am sorry for your loss, the loss of your mother last March. Lots indeed for you to deal with. I wish your life was easier and brighter. I hope it will be.

I am back here, one day at a time.

anita