My ex-boyfriend dumped me a month ago. We were in a relationship for a little over a year. For about 2 months we began to have arguments about each others needs within the relationship. They usually centered on what support looks like for us. We would try to solve them, but it seemed like “band-aid” solutions. Many of these arguments involved me crying about something and all that I wanted was someone to hug me when I was upset. And when he was at his weakest moments, he wanted someone to ask more questions about his issues. I tried to do this for him, even during times before we even had an argument, but then he would say that I was not asking enough questions or the right ones. When we got into our last argument, he said he didn’t want to fix anything more. I felt hurt by this because I was afraid he was going to leave me. At the end of the night, I told him I didn’t want to speak to him ever again via text. (I said this during one of my weakest moments). We didn’t speak a couple days after that. I reached out to him a few days later, thinking that we needed time to cool off, but when I finally met up with him, he stated that I broke up with him because I didn’t want to speak to him again. I told him that if I wanted to break something off, he would know, and that I wouldn’t have disrespected the relationship through a text. He also mentioned to me that when he thought I broke up with him, he said he was sad, angry and then grateful to not deal with the stress anymore. Of course, I was hurt by this, but I felt like there were things left unsaid. Later we had a mature conversation, (a conversation that I promised myself I would really understand and listen without my feelings getting in the way) in that moment I suppose I was doing things that he wanted from me in support (i.e. rubbing his back, listening without crying). He stated to me, “why I couldn’t have done this earlier?” and asked “Are you being genuine/sincere right now?”. I told him that I wasn’t being truly aware during our previous arguments because of my emotions, and that it took time for me to realize how that support looked for him. I told him that we could move forward together learning and growing from what we learned, or that we could move forward separately. He chose the latter. I told him that I respected his decision and thanked him for telling how he felt and for the time we had. In the end he said that I was too invested, and that he needed a more independent woman, as well as stating that he wanted to say something positive about me but couldn’t say anything in that moment.

It has been a month and we haven’t spoken/contacted one another. I have been reflecting each day about my actions/behaviors in that relationship. There are things I could definitely improve on and I am working towards that growth. Each day gets better, even if I setbacks.

When people talk about “unhealthy” or “toxic” relationships are these reasons that make them unhealthy or toxic? I keep thinking every now and then that it was my fault in some way. I understand that I am not perfect, but I am willing to make it work. Was this person not ready for a relationship? Are these struggles reasons to end a relationship?