Because when two whole beings connect, the joy is exponential. People who seek a relationship to fill a hole usually end up either healing that hole, or the relationship becomes codependent. Namaste.

As a side note, waiting until you’re healthy and ready seems like a great plan. Perhaps a helpful tool would be “its not her or her actions that took my confidence, but the way I responded to her and her actions.” Remember that you’re not a victim, just a dancer with some baggage.

With warmth,
Matt

Good Question! And I think there are various facets in the answer. I think that once you are happy with yourself, adding another person just adds another dimension. For example, sure, I have no problem going to the movies by myself and can thoroughly enjoy the time with just me and the silver screen. But going with friends can be awesome too and sharing that laughter at the same scenes. It can be fun to share experiences with people, be it friends or significant other or family.

There is also the point that once you are confident and understand your inherent self-worth, you may see that you have a lot of love to GIVE. And you can give from a place of selflessness and openness, rather than from fear/judgment/desperation/need/filling-a-hole/quota/etc. It is much more pure and beautiful, and more fulfilling to GIVE that kind of love. In my path to self-worth (a work in progress), I’ve noticed that as I’ve “progressed,” I still love the people in my life who have always been there, but now I also am going out of my way to tell them and show them that. I’m going out of my way to show them that I care about them in terms and ways that I know THEY will appreciate. For the simple reason that it’s nice to be able to give that to them. For example, I’m not a gift person. Never have been. Gifts are really important to my mom though, which never made sense to me. We’ve had some serious ups and downs over the years. But now, when I want her to know that I’m thinking of her and love her, I occasionally send her a little gift or a card. It usually brings her to tears and she’s super appreciative. The point is, that instead of looking to her to “correct” the past wrongs and to fill a void in my life, I’ve done that myself and can now give to her freely without strings or expectations. It’s made a huge difference.

Starting a romantic relationship from a healthy personal state like that can be a total game changer. And by that point, you’ll know that you are perfectly fine and happy without a relationship. So, you can take care to date someone who is a good fit for you and who can appreciate you. Rather than dating someone totally wrong for you because you need a way to fill a void.

Bodhi,

Respectfully, the apology is more about you wishing her to own up to her mistakes than being empathetic. If your empathy was open, you wouldn’t hold it as a transgression against you. She made a mistake, lost a relationship because of it, and has to live with the consequences of her decisions. It is already balanced. From your side, you are making it about you. How could she do that to me? She hurt my feelings. She ripped away my confidence. And so on and so forth.

Unintentionally, you’re caught up giving your power to that girl. Said differently, as long as you believe she causes your emotions and unrest, you stay stuck. Consider that she made decisions, and you made decisions. She acted out of habit, you acted out of habit. Its already balanced. That being said, it is perfectly natural to want validation from others that they hurt us. Because you try to be a bodhisattva, the path of healing and validation is all internal. Why would she need to apologize to you for doing what her karma lead her to do? Do we ask the rain to apologize for spoiling our picnic? Instead, consider looking for forgiveness for her no matter what her intentions, feelings or thoughts about you are. That’s when you can see things the way they really are. Your suffering is from your own perceptions… as you see things you wish were different. How could they be different? They already are.

Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Your emotions can be human or can be like football. If you let her play with your emotional balance then it was completely by your own choice. There is nothing wrong in talking to her or responding to her. But you don’t have to necessarily know why, what of her actions. The best way you can answer her is by being polite and never asking about your past. If you respected the relationship then find out if she is happy being there. Give her benefit of doubt she might have lied you because she didn’t have enough strength to tell the truth. But if she is happy being there then there is no reason for you to be unhappy . This is the best thing you can do to make her realize that she too lost a good relationship. At the end of it, these are trivial things in the bigger picture of your life. Couple of years down the line you’ll be sitting with a cup of tea in your hand and smiling at yourself for this emotional disturbance you are going through.

All the best my friend.
Harsh