I’m so lost in this stage of life

approaching 40 went through family trauma that made me work on finding out who I ready am lost my family had a real heartbreak break up and relied on substances to numb her through release the overwhelming feelings I think I’m winning doing all the right things self care self love not doing things that are no good for me

met a man who I felt a different connection with I didn’t feel addicted just more fulfilled with his company and personality and love he showed honestly no big gestures just us

but I feel trapped in my everyday striving to be positive head after time it feels that there is something missing that high that escape that way you forget what pounds your head or drags you down and I relapse into substance use and half enjoy the way I forget about life’s needs and schedules I then get sheer anxiety of failure and shame so I hide but it makes me think of what my still sad about never having my mother’s love and affection only dutiful parenting

and every man I’ve cared for fighting this hurdle and the man I loved end up hating me for this addiction sabotage need for fun Bain of my life

and they all ended up shaming me abusing me and sriting me off as worthless

The man I loved did that yesterday and it wasn’t correct I wasn’t going off on a escape bender he locked me out late at night and two hours later I headed to a hotel he woke and just tipped me apart and has continued all day

when all I really want is a hug and someone who empathasises with me rather than ridicule or force me to stop which he did ultimatum

it’s like when my flaws are revealed they don’t want to bother  with all that because I come across a very together strong woman but really I’m wanting real love not fantasies not physical and lust not being someone I’m not to please just real care and respect and friendship

Which I have only felt on occasion

I feel very alone I raise three boys on my own

work to provide and my struggles affect this like today I couldn’t work my friend is the boss I’ve been sacked and told what she thinks of me

if only she knew how I feel in these episodes

all she sees is the smile and the power outfit and I must be back to normal

ive no one to fall on I have lots of people I’m well liked but not In close proximity I don’t have regular friends I see most days

so I can do what I want knowone will notice any thing because I just do life on my own with the kids

this man was in my life closely but any bad mood or recovery from a relapse he’d remind me what I have sabbotaged he was involved but not putting any thing extra to the mix he just drove me to Work took me to the shops or run my bath encouraged me to do more for myself but he didn’t do anything more really but look I am now hated and put on the shit heap by him

one thing positive I am not devastated or broken I do deserve better so it’s not right for me to even try and fight for it.

He opened up the bad name slamming so it’s done it’s so easy now.

But I really do feel why do I only have love and happiness if I’m showing strong and happy why when I’m broken everyone stays away

it it only what I give to them that makes them like me

am I not destined to have love given back

someone who will hold me just because I need to feel someone sees my heart not just my body they lust over

I’m sexy not beautiful I’m naturally sexy not tarty but fun dresser curves and petite men love it is that what they fall for my outer person

my outer is bored my inner person is crying out

maybe my inner child is yearning for the dad that died and the mother who she craved her love and approval all her life but always felt she was looked at strangely by her mother

envious and unattached as we are so different

I’m opening up because I’m scared I’ll never get through this I’m scared I’m actually ruining good relationships with my behaviour I’m scared that it’ll all crumble down with set backs

like losing my job and partner in one day

both holding me fully responsible and I’m here saying please don’t attack me I need you to just understand and recognise what pain I’m in right now

and why can’t I stop doing it to myself

I have no one helping me so any words would be great words of just that you are interested enough to talk about your suggestions or guidance

Thankyou