Dear Winchester1990:

I think he kept contacting you (and may again) because he is flaky, doesn’t walk-his-talk or talk-his-walk, impulsive, not thoughtful or considerate. This is a very unattractive characteristic, to me. Isn’t it to you?

You wrote: “I have never been assertive and I rarely stand up for myself, even to my own family”- it is very, very important in life to be assertive with everyone. The reason you feel guilty for having been assertive with your ex boyfriend could be the same reason you felt and feel guilty to be assertive with your own family. Maybe you fear hurting a parent’s feeling if you were to be assertive with him or her.

Can it be?

anita

Dear Winchester1990:

The purpose of guilt is for us to examine what we did wrong and correct it. In your case, he did wrong to you. Here is one way he wronged you: using you for his physical needs and then blowing you off in the morning. He has hurt you, yet you feel guilty, believing somehow that it is you who hurt his feelings.

If you would like to explore the origin of this guilt, let me know.

You wrote, “I feel  like he has become a person that I barely recognize since we broke up”- how was he different during the two years and were there any incidents of flakiness before?

anita

Hi Winchester1990 – time is the main thing you will need for moving on. It took awhile for me. It’s been just over a year since the end of my relationship (we were together for two). My guy got married two months after I ended things with him, so that added another layer of hurt that has been extremely painful. I still think of him every day but it’s not in a loving way. It’s more with curiosity, like wondering if he’s happy with his choices in life and wondering if he will ever understand how much he hurt me. I want that justice, even though I know I will never get it. I realize it’s something I will eventually need to let go and you will eventually come to that phase too. During this time, it’s important to analyze your thoughts. After doing so, I’m sure you will find that you don’t miss HIM, you miss the (good) feelings he instilled. The good thing is, those can be replicated with someone else and also include the respect and honesty that you deserve.

One important thing I did was create a list of all the terrible, deceitful things my guy did to me. Then when I started to look back and reminisce, I would pull it out to remind myself of the bad, as well as the good. Time has a way of smoothing those bad things out. You don’t want to forget them and be lost in a moment of weakness.

Another recommendation that will be very hard is to block him. Block his number. Block his social media accounts. This will help the transition be easier. This was the hardest thing for me to do because I wanted those nuggets of connection. Without speaking to each other but only seeing him view one of my Instagram stories, for example, gave me a boost of self-esteem. I wanted the momentary high it provided. Again, I wanted that feeling to return because that is what I was addicted to. But, like a drug, they became bad for me. Why was I looking for his recognition?

Instead take the time to work on yourself. Explore a new hobby. Read. Write. Cuddle puppies. Don’t remain dormant. Work on your future, rather than contemplating your past. Think about what could be, rather than what was.

It’s a terrible feeling, realizing that you were used. We all just want love, honesty and respect at the end of the day and the lack of these things from a supposed loved one is such a blow to one’s self esteem. You start to feel as though you aren’t worthy of those things, or normalizing that the lack of them is common, and this is dangerous. Never justify someone’s poor treatment of you. It is reflective of their character and not your worth.

My last recommendation is continuing to read the TinyBuddha forums. 🙂  I cannot tell you how much this has helped me. Just knowing that others are going through the same situation – and have the same issues and questions – makes me feel part of something bigger. It’s made me realize that I am not alone.

If you have any other questions, please post. I’m listening and I wish you the best.