Dear Reader:

* “who” is the user name of a member who appeared on tiny buddha a few days ago and seems to be gone, maybe for good.

I feel pain this afternoon, quite intense. I re-read who’s posts and his last “venting” thread. In a couple of his posts he was actively angry, lashing out at me a bit. I couldn’t, wouldn’t take it. I am not a psychotherapist, not here “on the job,” any kind of job, and if I was a psychotherapist, I wouldn’t be a good one. I am not capable, trained or willing to take abuse of any kind, once I detect it. I can’t. I won’t. So I couldn’t tolerate, if I was a therapist, a client who attacked me with his, or her anger. Some therapist are able to do that. Some people, maybe, are capable of keeping themselves whole while such a thing happens, able to endure “little” insults, “little” attacks, understanding the person attacking is hurt, and feeling empathy while under “slight” attack. I cannot.

A few days ago, who came to visit here, this website. He came to play in the playground one evening, where Jack and I played around as we have done in the past, like little kids. He joined us and there we were, three kids playing. It was fun.

I liked who. I felt for him and I tried to help him. He came up with a tagging game that I did not understand and I tried to understand it and play but I wasn’t able to do it right, and to this day I don’t understand the game. But he took it to heart and in his last thread blamed me for destroying the game. I didn’t mean to. I tried to pay attention to him the best I could, to let him know he matters.

And I failed. Once he lashed out, just a “little” I couldn’t tolerate it and I don’t think I should. But I am hurting as I can see in his posts so CLEARLY how much in pain he is and has been his whole life. I can see the child in him, trying, ONE MORE TIME, here on tiny buddha, to connect. To make a go of it. His first sentence in his very first post was: “All my life I’ve always screwed things up”

And I can’t help thinking, if only I made it possible for who, to really help him. If only I could have prevented his experience in tiny buddha being ONE MORE incidents being “screwed..up.”

When you see someone HURTING so much, when you see them TRYING to connect, trying to get what they never got, acceptance… love, really, it hurts so much. I want to reach out to that hurting child and take his hand and comfort him.

I was that child. Many of us are. Who is one such child, one that reached out so innocently, again, and has gone his way, disappointed one more time.

This is breaking my heart.

anita