I often fail to communicate my thoughts effectively. I apologized for any confusion.

Dear Anita,

thank your for your perspective.

“You’ve been talking about inner-child work, healing childhood wounds (metaphorically, climbing a mountain)”

I actually didn’t equate the inner child work with climbing the mountain. It was Peter’s metaphor of his own process. I just noticed he said he’s tempted to climb it again (and similar metaphors, such as re-crossing the river), and that’s why I thought he isn’t so sure that he let go of say guilt of whatever emotions he was struggling with. I was simply noticing a certain hesitance, a certain doubt in his words, and thought that it means he hasn’t really let go, or that he might have let go just mentally, but not emotionally.

I know that many teachings talk about climbing the mountain and finally reaching some “enlightened” state, or a completely healed state. I don’t believe that, because we’ll never be perfect human beings, there’s always room for growth, so I don’t believe that we can reach some ultimate state of perfection.

And I agree with you, the inner child work isn’t supposed to go on forever, because once we’ve healed our main emotional wounds, the inner child isn’t hurting any more, isn’t craving for love, attention and validation, and we sort of integrate it into our adult personality. So it’s not the miracle cure for everything, but it can help in healing our major unmet emotional needs.

Thanks Anita you have caught my intent

I know that many teachings talk about climbing the mountain and finally reaching some “enlightened” state, or a completely healed state. I don’t believe that, because we’ll never be perfect human beings, there’s always room for growth, so I don’t believe that we can reach some ultimate state of perfection.

The Zen quote I was referencing agrees. We climb the mountain, and the mountain becomes more then a mountain,  after achieving the view (can’t live on top of the mountain though we may be tempted to try) we return and the mountain becomes what it always was, a mountain (seen as if for the first time).  Returning life asks of us to proceed where their will be other mountains and rivers. That is the human ‘tragedy and gift’

My observations was that many people get trapped in a cycle of retuning to the same mountain and climbing it again and again.  I was trying to explain through personal examples that I understood that temptation to return as I have in the past done just that. Realizing that tendency to return in myself was part my journey in learning to ‘let go’.  My intention was to encourage  those that may find themselves in that predicament. That they might ask themselves the question and not to panic if they find themselves stuck.

The mountain and rivers will always be part of our scenery. Depending on the lighting somedays these mountains may appear wonderous and beautiful and on others daunting and dangiours.  Actually they can appear as both beautiful and daunting, even horrific in the same moment. That is the nature of mountains.

Using Anita example part of the process of healing is getting to a place where we can look at those mountains as they are, without becoming desperate about it.  That is no small thing.

This has been very helpful.

I know Felix is feeling alone and is looking for a specific kind of relationship to help heal that hurt. I hope he finds what he is looking for. I also hope he can see that as Anita said he is not alone. Here in this odd ball community are people that he may not know but that generally care about his happiness and progress.

Hi Felix,

I’ve enjoyed reading through this thread and I found your “metaphor kung fu” comment very funny.  On a more serious note, in your most recent post you shared:  I lost my health, most of my savings, my home, my wife, my job, had cancer, had to file for bankruptcy, and many other things went wrong…I am afraid I’ll break one of these days, and the title of your thread is Where to find strength. Maybe strength starts to materialize once you allow the feelings you have to just be there. In other words, by being distressed about your distress, you are creating another level of distress. What if you decide that you don’t mind your distress anymore? What happens then?

B

Dear Felix,

I also don’t know how to ask for help.

It seems to me you do know how to ask for help – at least you did it here on the forum – but it’s much harder for you to accept help, or even just to open yourself to the possibility that there is help, that your situation isn’t helpless as you believe it is. Many of us here wrote giving ideas and suggestions, but you mostly brushed them away, or didn’t respond, always returning to the same narrative: that it’s extremely hard for you, that you’ve had horrible losses, you’re alone, you’re getting older, you’re trying like hell, doing your best, but nothing seems to be working, and you’re exhausted and desperate.

I am sorry to say this, but you sound like a broken record. I know it’s hard for you right now, but it appears as if you switch on the “automatic response”, which swiftly repels a possible solution, a possible relief of your problem.

I am fighting against something, but don’t even know against what.

You’re right, you’re fighting against something, and it seems you’re fighting against yourself and your own happiness. You’re focusing only on the negatives, repeating them again and again in your mind, like a broken record, and actively rejecting possible positives. I am sorry to say this, but it will be very difficult to find a way out, with this current attitude.

Felix,

I think I understand how you feel.

All my friends are enjoying their lives with their wives and children, spending time in the backyards and traveling the world

Felix, do you realize that all of these good things in your friends’ lives are threatened by collapse every single moment of the day? At any given instant one of your friends could acquire a terminal illness or have an accident or have a spouse leave or lose a job, a house, or even worse a child. Sooner or later distress will invade everyone’s life through sickness, accident, loss, death, etc. It happens to everyone. When you find a partner, Felix, there’s no guarantee that your relationship will last;. in fact, I can guarantee it will not last either through a break-up or eventual death, either of which will create distress for you, your partner, or both.

I don’t know how to not mind my distress.

At 43 years old you’ve endured a lot. The distress you feel is warranted. We all experience distress at some point. If we aren’t feeling it now, we’ll feel it later, so we’d better get comfortable with the whole idea of feeling distressed. Even when all is resolved for you and you experience a distress-free period, life will happen and, well, cause you more distress. So, Felix, you may reach a point in your life when you say to yourself I’m feeling distressed but it’s okay because I’ve felt distressed before and I’ll feel distressed again so I’m going to decide not to mind feeling distressed anymore because by fighting this feeling of distress I’m creating another layer of unhappiness within myself.

Why not give it a try? What do you have to lose?

B 🙂