When to know it's ok to walk away

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by JayJay.

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April 10, 2017 at 5:04 pm #144469

Phoenix76
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17 years, 4 children…no reason to not be thankful and live peacefully. Yet there is hatred in this home I cannot bare it anymore. Ridicule, blame, accusations, insults, isolation, lack of love and intimacy….why have I held on so long??? He hates me and I hate myself for allowing this to go on so long. I’m afraid of the divorce…I’m scared to be on my own…I’m worried about our kids…

I’m not sure where to turn or what to do

April 10, 2017 at 6:42 pm #144485

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Phoenix:

The title of your short thread is “When to know it’s ok to walk away”-

When you are ridiculed, insulted, hated- it is time to walk away. You owe it to yourself and to your children to walk away, so that neither you nor your children are victims, directly or by witnessing, of disrespect and aggression.

Are you worried about your kids if you stay married or if you divorce?

anita

April 11, 2017 at 12:34 am #144501

JayJay
Participant

Only you can decide the right path to follow. It sounds from your thread that you have reached a fork in your path and need to make a decision about whether to carry on the way you always have (and accepting that this may not get better) or to take another road.

Have you tried all the other little paths along the way, like marriage counselling, or anything like that? Would you like to mend your marriage if it could be done – or have you tried everything?

Anita is right in saying that it is already affecting your children and yourself by carrying on along the same path with no change. So I am wondering if there is any change that can be brought to bear to save your marriage or if it’s too late for that. And what age are your children?

Jay

April 11, 2017 at 12:51 am #144503

Phoenix76
Participant

Our children are 18, 16, 14, and 11…we have tried counseling and two out of the three that we saw told me to get away from him. He had an affair from 2013 to 2015 and fell in love with her. He asked her to marry him and when she said “No” because she is happy with her husband he came back home. I hoped that we would work out our relationship and get over that hurdle but he is changed. He does not like it is obvious in the abrasive way he treats me and the kids see it. My 16 year old has taken to subtly encouraging her father to be kinder to me and I know it’s because she has witnessed his chilly interactions with me. I know I have set a bad example for them…I would never want our kids to live like my husband and I are living.

I make little income…I would leave tomorrow if I could figure out how to support myself and the kids. Is it hard to get spousal and child support while separated before a divorce agreement is settled?

April 11, 2017 at 3:31 am #144509

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Phoenix76:

I think that the best person for you to talk with is a competent divorce attorney practicing in your specific state/ country, one with a good record of helping women with children through separation and divorce. The goal would be for you to receive child and spousal support as soon as possible. When to move out (or does he move out), what papers to fill in, all the details should be supplied to you by that attorney.

There are probably other women in your situation where you live. Maybe they have a support group where they share information to help each other in the process of separating and divorcing.

Post anytime, if there is some help for you here, at least until you get more serious help, what I suggested above.

anita

April 11, 2017 at 3:36 am #144511

neversaynever
Participant

He is taking advantage of you. One of the reason why people die young is being around abusive people. People that kills our joy and happiness. For the sake of your children IT IS TIME TO WALK AWAY. See a lawyer about it.

#YouDerserveABetterLife

April 11, 2017 at 5:00 am #144525

Inky
Participant

Hi Phoenix76,

I don’t know how much you make or how many relatives you have, but consider the possibilities. Obviously you can see yourself leaving if it was just you. Can you see yourself leaving and living with a sister/parent/cousin/etc. if it was just you and the youngest once the others are adults? Can you see yourself living on your own if you only had two teenagers living with you? The worst case scenario is living like this for seven more years until the baby is grown.

In the meantime use practices to tune him out: Earplugs, pretending he is an alien spouting “blah, blah, blah” in a language you can’t understand, staying with your kids at friends’ houses, trips, have fabulous adventures of your own! And, yes, perhaps a romance or two of your own. That is another way to land on your feet and he knows it!

Blessings to you, Lady Phoenix!

Inky

April 12, 2017 at 1:03 am #144687

JayJay
Participant

It’s a very hard decision to make, and I wonder if you have hoped, for years maybe, that things would just get better. I feel it for you.

I hoped the same, but I eventually had to make the same decision, when my children were aged 20, 17 and 10. The two eldest understood why I left, the youngest found things really difficult for a long time. Looking back, I regret not staying until the youngest was grown up enough to understand why I left. But having said that, my situation and yours is probably totally different. Yes, the lack of respect was there, but he wasn’t a bad father.

For a while I did just what Inky above suggests. I went my own way as much as possible, got my own friends, got on with my own life as much as I could. That helped me to cope with the situation at home. It was incredibly difficult when I did eventually leave, much harder than I had thought it would be.

Does your husband know you are thinking of leaving him? Would he improve or change his attitude towards you if he knew you were thinking of leaving him?
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