When someone you love makes poor relationship decisions

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 9, 2017 at 11:30 am #124945

Jade
Participant

Hello everyone,

I would like to please ask for your viewpoint and advice on the following.

I live in an extended family (full of relatives such as uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins, etc etc) due to financial problems. A cousin of mine whom I love dearly has made poor relationship choices in the past and now. All the men she has dated is the same: super insecure, no anger control, demands respect without giving it, impossible to reason with, curses and threatens her and my family when we have done no wrong to them etc etc. I understand that my cousin have to be insecure as well to break up and go back in a relationship with her bf over and over again. All they ever do is argue about money. Then they break up and get back together later on. This cycle is worsening her health and my family’s sanity overtime. As for my cousin….. she gets sick easily…. but she still doesn’t want to work on days where she feels fine…. So obvisouly, she needs someone who can take care of her financially.

I know how she lives her life is NONE of my business but all her relationships are causing A LOT of mental stress to the rest of the family and me. And it’s obviously causing her grief as well but she doesn’t want to change, she doesn’t want to work to support herself and since she sees all this threats/argument as normal, she’ll just “give him some alone time” and then go back to normal dating with her bf a few weeks later. I don’t understand why she is so worried about her own money issues when she doesn’t even want to work to support herself but yet relies on bf to support her! Then he wants his money back and start threatening everyone again. This cycle has been going on and on for too long. She can’t truly break up with him…. almost as she’s afraid to be single or lose that financial support etc.

Again, someone once told me “people have the right to make poor decisions in life” and how she lives her life is none of my business, but she is family and since we cherish her, her poor choices are causing us a lot of grief.

Can I have some advice for my own mental health please?

Thank you for reading!

January 9, 2017 at 3:38 pm #124961

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jade:

Do you live in the same household as your cousin/ does she live with other family members in the same household?

If she lives with other family members and her boyfriend spends time with her in that household, the other family members living there have a say if he is allowed in the house or not. If he threatened anyone in that household, it is the right of any person living there to not allow him in.

This is an important point, so waiting for your answer regarding who she is living with.

anita

January 10, 2017 at 4:50 am #124993

Inky
Participant

Hi Jade,

Obviously by now she knows how you feel. Something about her pattern is making her feel good. The drama? The cash? Who knows.

Maybe you can set her up with a job. Get her to (one of many examples) be an Uber driver. She’ll be out of the house, away from him, have spending money, and interact with other people.

You can also invite nice men to the house. If you don’t want them, she might. AND, bonus, she’ll see how real men behave and demand respect (even if it’s only beginning to work on a subconscious level).

I know it’s maddening to see someone so misguided right in front of you 24/7. BEEN THERE.

Also, take her out, alone, just the two of you. New places, new experiences, new people. Don’t mention her horrible BFs, just continue to show her the rest of the wonderful world we live in.

Good Luck,

Inky

January 10, 2017 at 5:23 am #124994

Nina Sakura
Participant

To be honest, I dont think there is much you can do here except have the whole family have a good talk with her, knock some sense into her. Beyond that, I doubt there is much to be done. Or get her a new rich guy who behaves better but that’s not much of a long term solution either. She could probably be depressed in reality and is therefore settling for this shit from the other guys.

January 10, 2017 at 8:53 am #125001

Dodo
Participant

anyonefree to chat

January 11, 2017 at 3:35 am #125038

Lucky
Participant

Yeah Happy soul (Dodo) 🙂

January 11, 2017 at 3:42 pm #125078

Jade
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your response. I live with her and the other family members in the same household.

Thank you for taking the time to answer to share your thoughts.

We are sincerely just very tired. Empty promises, illogical argument, cursing/threats, are all normal to her. Also… I forgot to mention that she has a small child from a previous marriage…. but the rest of the family members are taking turns taking care of the the child. The child is not a lot of work at all but this doesn’t negate her own responsibility as an adult mother.

Example: she stated that she stayed up all night thinking about the bf situation and now feels really sick in the morning so she uses that as an excuse to not job search…. and the other family members have to take the child to and from school, take care of the child all day while she just sleeps all day. She is so blind to how much this is harming her health and she doesn’t even realize it.

I am someone who just found a new job and is currently working to help pay bills and my own student loans. However, I am afraid I will have to eventually get a second job (if possible with time conflicts) in order to support her and her child as well in the future. I know we are family and I sincerely cherish her, but I loathe the fact she doesn’t even TRY at all.

Anita, sorry for the long rant, but I think you for taking the time to read and reply.

January 11, 2017 at 3:43 pm #125079

Jade
Participant

And a big thank you to everyone else for taking the time to read and reply! I sincerely appreciate reading your insights.

January 11, 2017 at 7:10 pm #125084

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jade:

If only your cousin didn’t have a child, it would have been so easy for me to clearly suggest you get her out of the household. It is the responsible thing to do for all the other members of the household, to keep the sometimes threatening boyfriend away… and otherwise, not enable her irresponsible lifestyle.

But she has a child. Wish she left the household and that the remaining members of the household will take good care of the child. Doesn’t read at all like she is a good mother.

Is there a chance to get her out and keep the child in the household? It is not right for you and the others to suffer because of that cousin’s poor choices (or to finance her)!

anita
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